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Search - "mental"
I’m surrounded by idiots.
I’m continually reminded of that fact, but today I found something that really drives that point home.
Gather ‘round, everybody, it’s story time!
While working on a slow query ticket, I perused the code, finding several causes, and decided to run git blame on the files to see what dummy authored the mental diarrhea currently befouling my screen. As it turns out, the entire feature was written by mister legendary Apple golden boy “Finder’s Keeper” dev himself.
To give you the full scope of this mess, let me start at the frontend and work my way backward.
This function allows the user to better see the rows in the API Calls table, for which there is a also search feature — the very thing I’m tasked with fixing.
It’s worth noting that above the search feature are two inputs for a date range, with some helpful links like “last week” and “last month” … and “All”. It’s also worth noting that this table is for displaying search results of all the API requests and their responses for a given merchant… this table is enormous.
This search field for this table queries the backend on every character the user types. There’s no debouncing, no submit event, etc., so it triggers on every keystroke. The actual request runs through a layer of abstraction to parse out and log the user-entered date range, figure out where the request came from, and to map out some column names or add additional ones. It also does some hard to follow (and amazingly not injectable) orm condition building. It’s a mess of functional ugly.
The important columns in the table this query ultimately searches are not indexed, despite it only looking for “create_order” records — the largest of twenty-some types in the table. It also uses partial text matching (again: on. every. single. keystroke.) across two varchar(255)s that only ever hold <16 chars — and of which users only ever care about one at a time. After all of this, it filters the results based on some uncommented regexes, and worst of all: instead of fetching only one page’s worth of results like you’d expect, it fetches all of them at once and then discards what isn’t included by the paginator. So not only is this a guaranteed full table scan with partial text matching for every query (over millions to hundreds of millions of records), it’s that same full table scan for every single keystroke while the user types, and all but 25 records (user-selectable) get discarded — and then requeried when the user looks at the next page of results.
What the bloody fucking hell? I’d swear this idiot is an intern, but his code does (amazingly) actually work.
No wonder this search field nearly crashed one of the servers when someone actually tried using it.
I would absolutely love it if people would write their own stupid code instead of blindly mixing everyone else's mental diarrhea together and pouring the resulting mess into their bloody stupid IDE. At least then I could insult them properly. As it is, they're outsourcing their fucking stupidity to the lowest fucking bidder and then bragging about how quickly they get everything done. And management eats it up! No wonder everything is a slow, tangled, unmaintanable mess.
I can't fix much of anything because almost none of it is in my control. It's all autogenerated bullshit glued together with laziness and poor taste. "But Root, why is fixing this taking so long?" Gee, I wonder why. Maybe if someone had built it somewhere in realm of correctly the first time, it wouldn't have all fallen apart when someone looked at it the wrong way!
Seriously, there's no way this pile of stale fertilizer could have passed QA.10
I fucking hate toxic positivity. Every fucking corporation pushes the notion that "lifE iS aWeSomE, wE cArE abOuT pEoPle" and other such bullshit, and when you point it out, they call you a bad, toxic person.
No, you don't care about your community, let alone the whole world. You're just trying to make people believe that spyware, wage slavery and being fired by a neural network is the norm. You're making money off of those who don't have a choice.
If you account all people, not just American white rich 1%, it turns out that for the vast majority of people life is either an uphill battle or straight up nightmare. People are working in shifts and have no time or emotional resource to spend on themselves. Most of the people can't afford a house or a flat. Even those who can still suffer from mental illnesses, to the point where there are more mentally challenged people than mentally healthy ones. The word "neurotypical" meaning "mentally healthy" is wrong.
You want nothing but to sell your stuff and earn more money off of Chinese and Indian factory workers who work 16-hour shifts. Maybe your life is great, but aggressively pushing this notion is a big, wet spit in the face of humanity.
Fuck you. Fuck your space rockets. Fuck your twitter accounts. Fuck your institutionalized exploitation of the weak. Fuck your products. Fuck your "open source". Fuck your "GDPR compliance". Fuck your offshores, your hedge funds and your tax evasion. Fuck your bailouts. Fuck your ships spilling tons of crude oil, fuck your factories, fuck your slave labor, fuck your anti-suicide nets in Chinese dormitories.
One day, because of you, our planet will become unlivable. You will hop into your fancy space rocket to go to that top-1% elite Mars colony. Nice job.
But I will pray for a solar flare to hit you and turn you and your fucking rocket into radioactive ash.21
My mental health has been down the drain b'cuz of circumstances. And unfunnily, it did end up taking the better of me. yet folks around me still do not believe it's a thing that people don't want to live anymore; rather it's a "childish" thing and "are you so weak" thing.
And I'm just gonna tell you, if you ever said that to someone who feels like the world is coming to an end for them, you're an unbearable ass, and you're probably one reason that person wants to off themself.
Living around some people is just torture on its own.7
Root has standup.
Root: I had no ticket yesterday morning, so I followed up on <TicketA> with <PersonA> and updated it in Jira and linked its related tickets; talked with <PersonB> about <TicketB>, and reviewed code review comments on <TicketC>, and thought about those while looking into the CI spec failure on <TicketD>. I collapsed for 3 hours before fixing it. Halfway through the collapse, I talked with <PersonC> on <TicketC> CR comments and the spec issue in <TicketD>, then went to lay down again. Afterward, I solved the spec issue in <TicketD>, and started on the new ticket <TicketE> before calling it a day. Plans today are to <…>.
Manager, in private: I need you to proactively let me know if you’re taking long breaks and aren’t working as this impacts business flow.
My update was four times longer than the others’ despite her not giving me a ticket to work on. I responded to slack while I was collapsed on the floor and discussed tickets. And, after I recovered, I went back to work to finish my 8h shift. But this isn’t good enough? And I need to let her know in advance when I’m going to collapse and be a bloody mental zombie for hours? It would be amazing if I knew. I barely have a few minutes notice, and that’s only if I’m really paying attention and looking for signs.
And (conjecture) she probably still thinks I’m not performing well enough. “Affecting our business flow” probably means she’s angry I didn’t talk to other people about low-priority <TicketE> yesterday while I was laying on the damned floor.
Goddamn I hate her.13
Remember the super duper company I applied for? (Last rant)
Well, I did their coding challenge. And after many years I had to do a metric crapton of C++. It's not a fun language. It's frustrating how human-unfriendly it is, and maybe one reason why I low-key like it.
Anyways, here's hoping that I didn't fuck up too much.
On a side note, I realized tensorflow actually has a cpp api. I think I'm gonna work with that in my next mental breakdown. 🧐8
Fuck Reddit admins. Fuck them in ass with a rusted iron rod. Then pour in some liquid steel and dehydrate them to death.
Remember the toxic girl who stalked and harassed me? She did that on Reddit.
After multiple reports to faggot admins, no action was taken against her multiple accounts.
I ended up creating few alt accounts for my mental well-being.
I have been contributing fairly well from all my accounts earning community trust and reputation, even behind the mask of anonymity.
Now, day before yesterday, a teen started abusing me for no reason on a local sub. I ended up ignoring.
Next morning I am notified that admins banned my account permanently.
What the fuck! I did not violate any policy and yet I was kicked out.
I raised an appeal for those fags to look into this and uplift the ban.
Fuckers banned all my accounts permanently without giving any reason.
Instead of taking action against retards who harass people, these bhenchods ban people who contribute in a good way.
I truly wish, that the person who made this decision rots to death while feeling the pain of regret.
I am soooo fucking annoyed. I have been using Reddit for many good reasons and have found it really helpful in various areas of my life.12
How to step up the level of emotional torture PhD students are subjected to by academia:
In addition to the normal status for submitted papers, which are "received", "under review" and "decision pending", let's add "undisclosed"!
Which means they know about the decision, you know they know, they know you know they know, but they will still leave you hanging for an unknown period of time, bathing in acidic dread.11
You know what, fuck microshit to fuck town and back again.
What part of disabling "allow the computer to turn of this device to save power"
DO YOU NOT FUCKIJG UNDERSTAND!
MY FUCKING USB'S ARE GOING FUCKING MENTAL SWITCHING ON AND OFF LIKE A DRUNKEN HOBO YOU COCK FUCKS.
my week is a complete and utter shit of a week as it is, I don't need this bullshit on top of it too.
#Microsoft, fix your fucking shit already!4
I rewrote my resume. It is getting shorter and shorter. Scary.
But I was thinking, that during interviews, I never get to ask the important questions. Like, I do need to ask a few things that are important for me. Those that are not written in their websites, and they will do their best to hide.
So I came up with a list of questions:
1. Do you pay for overtime work? what is the basis of pay? hours or work-module? how realistic are the work-modules?
2. Have you ever had issues with employees from minority groups?
3. How do you address employee's professional concerns? for example, about technological debt.
4. what's the policy for meeting and daily interruptions during brain-work? Are people ever forced to participate in meetings that could be summed up in emails? what's the company policy for initiating a meeting?
5. Who designs the software? Are the requirements always non-negotiable? do the direct developers have a say in design matters?
6. How close are job requirements (as advertised) to actual tasks I need to perform?
7. What's the company policy for motivating the employees?
8. How does the company deal with mental health issues? is it acceptable for people to take leaves due to mental health issues? Has anyone ever done it?
9. How does the company deal with individual needs for working methods and space? Specifically, how does that apply to meetings? Do you have company-wide meetings? How often are they? What's the impact on productivity? Can employees not participate? Do they have to have an excuse to not participate?
10. Do developers get to develop their skills during worktime often? Or is it a "do it in your own free time" kind of thing? Are there any resources available to those who want to develop their skills further? Is it included in the career planning and employee performance review?
11. Assume I work for your company for a year. What are the benefits I can potentially gain in a year from working here, aside from adding a line of work experience to my resume?
12. Does the company provide any form of free feminine hygiene products in the bathroom?
Any questions I should add?94
now a funny thing that happened to me a few weeks ago:
a recruiter contacted me on linkedin... wait, don't laugh yet, that's not the whole joke (this time)...
...asking whether I'm interested in something, I was like yeah, but I'm looking for part-time because i'd like to not have a mental breakdown after 6 months this time...
her response: "well... I don't have any part-times, but I have an almost part-time..."
" 'almost part-time'? first time I've heard that phrase, what exactly does that mean?"
"it means about 160 hours"
... i sit in confused silence for a bit, then write back as I calculate: "i'm assuming you mean 160 hours a month, which is 40 hours a week, which is 8 hours a day, which is full-time. please point out where am I mistaken."
recruiter: * crickets *8
I had previously ranted about being assigned to a very messy project. I spent 3-4 months alone adding features and CLEANING things up.
Recently, there had been talks about a new major development phase on this project. But things lingered and the day before I’m to go on vacation, I get the news that this new phase starts in 2 days. Since I’m going to be on break they’re putting other guys on the project who don’t know anything about it.
Fast forward two weeks later.
I’m back from vacation.
I find out one of the guys has strong opinions about doing things certains ways… but unfortunately they are "ways" of unnecessary complexity, abstraction and verbosity.
After just a couple of weeks I’m already lost in the complexity of his code, which supports features of VERY LOW complexity. Fuck, has he ever heard of KISS? Has anybody heard of it where I work?
Now I have to spend my mental energy trying to make sense of this pile of crap rather than actually spending it getting things done.1
I am at the lowest point of my mental health. Lol
I hope it doesn't get any lower than this because I have reached my breaking point.
I have nobody to talk to. I don't want to be a cry baby, nagging and whining all the time.
My friends here Jason (from Zurich and not Australia) and Rutee07 were in similar position when I last spoke to them here. I wonder what happened to them!
Shall I call in for yet another superficial therapy session? Or shall I just wait for the feeling to pass and continue being busy?27
I am Done! I am extremely burnt out and unhappy with my work. I have been doing this professionally for over 5 years now and much longer than that unprofessionally.
This new company I joined finally gave me the salary I always dreamt of but now I am extremely unhappy and depressed and anxious all the time. And I don't like the work I am doing. I don't like the team. I hate being isolated at home for over 2 years, working from home. I had a mental breakdown in the middle of the meeting the other day. And after that, I said. that's it. I am done. So, I gave the resignation letter. I don't know what I am gonna do. But I sure as hell can't do this shit any longer. But now, the fucking hr is making it even more difficult for me by not letting me leave without serving the notice period. I told her I am on fucking medication and I am having severe mental health issues. Now, she wants to see the medical certificate. Or I have to pay two months' salary. WTF? If I had that kind of money lying around, I wouldn't have slaved myself away at your shitty company, would I?
I went to my psychiatrist whom I have been seeing consulting for the last couple of years now. I asked for a medical certificate and he thinks it'll hamper my future career. So, he said I should get a certificate from a general physician. So, that's the world we live in then? You can't even speak the truth? And the way HR is behaving over the mail makes me feel like a total slave. I mean I am not at all fit for work these days, and it feels like, if she had her way, she would tie me down to a chair and ask me to push out code. what the fucking fuck. This is some fucked up industry and I think I am finally done with software development. But now, I don't have any idea what I am gonna do with my life or how am I gonna earn money. I am so burnt out and anxious that even the thought of working again gives me panic attacks. even working from home. What the fuck do I do?8
Flexible working hours, Home Office, fair compensation, working on a greenfield product 🥰.
I was in a bad spot two years ago jobwise and I don't regret jumping the ship for a second.
I would never have guessed that flexible hours and WFH would be so beneficial to my mental health!
Not everything is perfect all the time, but it gets pretty damn close all things considered.3
Trying to buy a house in another state. First time moving out of state, first time trying to buy a house. Making first offer this weekend. Which is terrifying, and exciting. But it’s also lonely because my other half is in the other state looking at houses and I’m stuck here working and taking care of the cats.
Had a poor mental health day yesterday. Got a call today that my mama (gran on my mum’s side) took a tumble and has been in hospital and they don’t think she’ll pull through. I don’t have many memories of her, but the memories I do have are happy ones. She was always full of life and love and kindness.
Had a mental breakdown a few days ago. Crying like it's the end of the world when computer stopped working. I was a Picasso drawing of the hysteria, basically.
My exams are getting near, I'm really not ready; yet this chick keeps asking me about ten euros I borrowed from her a year and something back when we were going to a club they asked me to go to with them... Given her persistence that I should wire her the money (no PayPal tho) I assume she's up to something super shady. Why does she need my account info for?
Anyways, being annoyed by only ten euros (in our currency, it's not much, btw. It's less than two bags of expensive chips, or 5 dozen of the cheapest eggs on the market) and not studying enough, there is also my work. I feel so incompetent that I may just resign. Like... I'm not smart enough for this project. 😢 And I'm aware of it.
Put that on the side with this uni's project, which is very "Urghhhhh" because of too many people working on the same project, some of who need to be sent back to kindergarten to learn how to cooperate with others.
And in the middle of all of that, I'm trying to stay as zen as possible until the next mental breakdown. 😑😑😐
Thank you for reading this rant.7
monthly mediocre life crisis checklist:
✅ boring job, no learning, taking away 8 hrs/ day
✅ wasting 4-5 hours doomscrolling
✅ being a mediocre Android developer in a shitty company not upgrading his skills
✅ trying to learn webdev from a paid course but not getting any progress there
✅ having 15 paid leaves but a shitty friend cicrle which isn't nterested in going out
✅ 0 solo travel with no knowledge in driving any vehicle
✅ no girlfriend/ lady friends to talk to
✅ porn and boring nature killing any signs of being interesting
✅ gaining fat and ugly body
✅ simping at the gym
✅ hateful parents quarreling with each other everyday
✅ having sad life with no mental peace
things going correct in life
⬜ getting salary on time, able to afford bread
⬜ still try to workout 5d/week
⬜ still try to make small web projects12
So I've got my first sort of proper gig. I'm tasked with writing...
A goddamn minecraft plugin in java.
Well, it's actually rather fun strangely enough. My ideas of payment were not declined but rather accepted, the other devs are nice and everything is going well for now.
Also: Do expect a mental breakdown post next week or so8
"Writing good code is a charity". ( - saves time, effort, mental-health, & career of next developer).5
A rather happy/neutral post this time for a change. Lol
Firstly the good news: I have successfully recovered from the emotional/mental abuse and have been doing really well. My faith in myself has been slowly restored.
Secondly, I have started to pursue my hobbies again and find joy in them. I spend more and more time listening to music and play video games (CS:GO and AoM).
I have started getting more sun and also spend time outside socialising.
I can sense my happiness and joy get restored in my life.
Now on career front, I have started job hunting again as you all know. The interview process for Product Management is absolutely broken and taxing to go through all the loops.
During all my previous job hunts (three times), I was able to nail down at least one offer in a quarter.
This time, I started in October 2021 and still no success. I have much more experience and skill-set this time yet failures.
Fear not. My optimism is back this time. I am aware of where I am going wrong and sometimes I feel the situation is truly out of my control. The two major reasons I forsee are:
1. Relocation: it can take few months for me to relocate to UK/EU and hence, companies are preferring local candidates.
2. My duration with current employer is just 8 months which could be a potential turn off for many HMs. They might think I am a job hopper and maybe one of the reasons why I got so many calls and opportunities at my previous employer (I was stable with them for 7.5 years).
I feel it's just the matter of time for me now where I must hold my horses and keep the momentum without losing hope.
I will win.10
I used to read.. A lot. Long and complicated stories, where the plot would only unveil itself after a long time. I used to dig myself into a book, learning about the writer's thoughts and mental image, reflecting on our differing viewpoints on the question at hand. I didn't expect action or beauty, merely thoughts which, by themselves, constitued a value to me.
But pulp and especially social media had lowered my attention span to the point that even reading through a short story without getting sidetracked takes a lot of effort. I still value what I used to value, the only thing that's changed is that I no longer have the patience and I feel discomfort due to the lack of sensations.
What do I do? Had anyone solved this problem before?4
i don't think that i'm having a burnout but i think that i'm maybe not so far away from it... several people, including friends, my therapist and also a colleague, told me they see me at risk of sliding into a real burnout.
i've known this for longer that i have a crappy work life balance. the habit of making work the most important part of my own life. thinking about work even in my private time, when i fall asleep, when i wake up in the night or in the morning. the tendency to think about problems, plans, coworkers, not being able to quit work mentally. the idea that i have to prove to everybody at work that i'm awesome. the feeling that, after a work day, i'm just "waiting" at home for the next day, in idle mode, so i can continue working on a problem (like a bug) that's occupying my whole mind. and at the same time, feeling totally empty after work, having no energy. i've lost interest and quit several hobbies in the last two years that once were important for me. and i think one important reason is that i didn't have any mental energy left to deal with that.
another factor for this development was also the pandemic for sure, because for some time, i had no real social life except for that at work.
but more important is probably that i find my job most of the time really fun and am highly motivated. i have the tendency to say yes to everything and to really commit to and own the problems that are handed to me. (right now, however i feel like there's not much motivation left)
then again there is the feeling that what i do is never good enough, i have little self confidence in my own abilities as a software engineer. there's a big discrepancy between how i myself perceive my work and how other people do (not only at work). on a rational level, i know that what i do is at least "good enough", otherwise i wouldn't have this job, and i wouldn't receive this amount of positive feedback from people. but it's hard to really deeply understand this thing, when there are deep-rooted beliefs like "only perfect is good enough" or "your colleagues will be disappointed and get a negative idea of you (and something bad will happen), if you don't give your best"... and there's also this idea that i have to be this super nerdy person who also codes in their free time, reads IT magazines and stuff, because only then i will fit this stereotype of a software developer, and only then i can be taken seriously and be good enough. no matter if this is fun for me or not.
anyway, right now i'm at a point in life where i'm realizing all this not only rationally, but with full emotional impact... :/ my life feels like it's gone stale and empty. i've lost creativity, warmth and human connection and that hurts a lot.
i'm trying to change my life.
one thing that really helps me right now is to talk with people who have (made) similar experiences. can you relate? if yes, how do / did you address those problems? i would really appreciate to hear your stories...6
Stress made me fall into old habits of instead of saying stop and letting my team now that I was falling apart (not realising it myself even) I just kept saying "Yes, I fix that." to every single request that was made in the project.
The closer we got to the deadline, the more I hyperfocused and ignored the signs. I just kept working. The last two days I didn't even sleep.
Of course the launch botched. I finally broke down and both my mind and my body have given up, since yesterday I'm in a mental feedback loop causing continuous anxiety attacks and migraines. I literally CAN'T do anything but trying to not go back into fight- or flight mode and remember to breathe.
I FINALLY made my project manager aware (something I should have done days ago) that I am incapacitated and now I am waiting for medication (Oxazepam) to be picked up at the pharmacy by my husband.
I almost literally worked myself into the ground.
I've been here before. Never again.
This is what happens if you don't listen to your mind and body and put up a white flag in time.11
I feel like I need to clarify the concept of toxic masculinity and toxic femininity.
The masculinity itself is not toxic! Being a masculine man is not being toxic. Being a man is not being toxic.
Toxic masculinity, in a nutshell, is:
- Teaching boys to never express their feelings. Men don't cry. You should always maintain the “tough” image. If you open up about how you feel, you're a pussy. Domestic abuse of men doesn't exist. A man can't be raped by a woman.
- You should only depend on yourself. Even if you're in trouble (say, with depression or bullying), and you ask for help, you're a pussy.
- Boys will be boys. Aggression is typical for men, and expressing it beating other men is a manly behaviour.
There is also toxic femininity:
- Men should work and provide for the women. Women shouldn't work, they should instead be housekeeping and raising kids.
- Women should be pretty and work on their looks (to attract men).
- If you don't have kids by the age of 30, there is something wrong with you.
It almost seems like traditional grotesque gender roles diminish the personality for the sake of social conformity. The pattern is always “men should”, “women should”. They tell you what to do, authoritatively so, based on your biological sex. They try to “put you in your place” where you “belong” just because of your genitals. This is toxic.
It is important to retain personality. The ultimate goal is to get rid of those stereotypes and finally throw them in the garbage bin where they belong. Because of them, we have anorexia in women (the most deadly mental disorder), and also male suicides through the roof.
Before you label me “feminist”, bear in mind that the third wave is all over the place, to the point they can't agree on what feminism is.20
added a "Coke zero" to my order and the app asked to show my ID to the delivery to make sure I'm over 18.
Ordered a milkshake instead. More appropriate for my (mental) age.15
Out of shower, I sit on bed staring at my phone cuz I don't know who to talk to. This is the shittiest stage of the lockdown. When you've bore your close friends, exhausted your "I'm gonna find new friends online" options, and now you're -I am- circling back to remind yourself of all the people who put you aside. Just making yourself sadder remembering how each one of them shared a lot of their life and feelings with you and then how easily they went like "Nope. Don't want to deal with you". Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that's everyone. Every friendship has a proper "distance" but I just don't know why some people are like asteroids. Or rather, their interests are. They come quick and crash your mental barriers and tell you everything there is to know about them but then something shinier catches their attention or they realize they actually won't be able to have you -me- as a sidepiece and then they just... Fuck off.
And I don't know, maybe they think I'll remember them as the one that got away, but sadly, they just become "another one" in a list that I can't remember past the last 5-6 of.
Anyways, I miss the days when I could sit next to a friend, or hug a friend, or just looking into someone's eyes from less than safe distant and seeing how the details of their face change as they speak, and how their emotions flow.
I'm tired of all the zoom and vc and...
I'm just tired. 😢8
Facebook is a giant piece of shit. Not only is their platform a massive contributor to mental illness, even their API's are fucking garbage. I'm trying to use their ads API and what it does is it hijacks the entire fucking request so you can't even extract data from the request after calling it. Fuck Facebook and everything they've ever "contributed" to society.5
I don't wanna hear anyone dismissing college education, specially from people that can't do asymptotic analysis and have no clue what a pointer is. It's not fine. What do you think people spend 4+ years studying for? For this shit? There's a reason why a diploma has a weight, it's not just decoration.
I get it that the american educational system is fucked up and you guys have to pay a shit ton of money for it, but you can't just pretend it's worth nothing.
How diminishing it is to hear people shit on a life long struggle to get where i am today. I had to study a ton to get into college, and I'm still pouring my blood and mental health into my studies, only for some random to say that a youtube tutorial is worth the same.17
I sometimes feel like some people's comments on devrant are enough for a mental health crisis diagnosis. I wonder, how can we diagnose people through text? And can, let's say, ML do any better.
I mean; let's say for example abusive behaviors. This may be an online community but that doesn't stop some from abusing others, right? But the only form of communication here is text, right? What if you could diagnose... Not even that. What if you could inform a mental health expert about a toxic behavior online? We do have a lot of "internet policing" but we have no "internet mental health help" for toxic behaviors and attempts to mitigate that. I don't mean banning people. I mean literally in simplest form tag a psychotherapist in the convo.
Just thinking. :)14
Welp. My mental health is down the drain.
I don't want to talk to anyone about it, but I am well aware of the situation. I can't even bring myself to sleep on a proper time frame, and depression is crawling back like an abusive ex.
There. Complete failure. Where do I sign out for this life?
Footnote:This is not fishing for attention, more like ranting in the void. (or trying to) Apologies to the one who I should've probably talked to about this, but never did.29
College is worse than cancer.
Worse than tumor.
Worse than any (un)imaginable death or torture.
I feel dull.
I feel DUMBED DOWN.
I FEEL DUMBER AFTER 6 YEARS OF COLLEGE COMPARED TO BEFORE STARTING COLLEGE.
6 fucking years of wrecking my healthy brain in college.
Has now became unhealthy and mentally unstable.
I forgot almost EVERYTHING i knew about coding.
Because in a "COMPUTER SCIENCE" college they teach everything BUT coding.
The professors and assistants have no morals.
They are INHUMANE.
Professors are ready to walk across a fucking corpse.
If your mother gets cancer and you are unable to come to class or study, the professors dont give a FUCK, they will drop you down so you have to study for exams again instead of helping your ill mother.
Professors have NO COMPASSION.
They are just BRAINLESS robots.
Sentients, agents working for the matrix.
They keep reading the same script every year and call that a successful career.
IF PROFESSORS AND ASSISTANTS AT COLLEGE ACTUALLY KNEW TO DO ANYTHING USEFUL IN LIFE, THEY WOULD NOT BE PROFESSORS AND ASSISTANTS FOR THE MAJORITY (OR WHOLE) OF THEIR LIFE.
I gave my maximum effort.
I SACRIFICED MY LIFE FOR SCHOOL.
Just to end up with school spitting on my face.
I feel DUMBED down.
As some brainless retard who has to follow orders as if im a 6 year old who doesn't know what to do.
Like a computer.
Because of college - i have no will to live.
Because of college - i no longer have passion for coding.
Because of college - i no longer know what is my purpose in life.
Because of college - i feel like im floating in cosmos, somewhere far deep into the space, without knowing where im going, what im doing, why im doing what im doing...
I feel void inside me.
I also feel vengeance inside me.
SCHOOL HAS RUINED MY LIFE.
It made me mentally insane.
It made me mentally so sick that i had to watch head decapitation gore videos to calm myself down, so i can imagine the victims being murdered are the professors and assistants from my college.
PROFESSORS AND ASSISTANTS HAVE 0 UNDERSTANDING FOR OTHER HUMAN LIFE.
MILLIONS of people have private problems going on in their lives every day.
What if someone cant pass an exam because of private problems that's going on in their life?
What if the student is abused by a family member?
What if the student has ANY non-self destructive negative event happening to them, which they're not at fault, and can not control?
What if the student got cancer and cant study for exams, is he supposed to fail?
What if the student came home and the police knocked on his door and said "sorry for your loss, your whole family just died in car accident" and student falls into depression and cant study for exams, is he supposed to fail???
There are infinite multitude of random events this damned universe can do to a human life.
BUT PROFESSORS AND ASSISTANTS;
I feel soulless.
I feel like i signed a contract with the devil when i started college by selling him my soul.
School (when i say school, i also mean college, because its the same fucking shit under a different name) is supposed to represent "education".
Lets talk about it.
What exactly are we being "EDUCATED" in school?
To memorize pdf slides?
Memorize memorize memorize???
First of all, all of what we're "studying" is BULLSHIT, second of all MEMORIZING all of this means you're gonna forget 60% of it tomorrow, 80% in the next 2 days and you'll forget 100% of what you "learned" by the 7th day.
SOCIETY TOLD YOU TO MEMORIZE USELESS BULLSHIT AND TOLD YOU THAT YOU'RE BEING EDUCATED THAT WAY. YOU MUST BE FUCKING DUMB TO BELIEVE THAT.
If memorizing == education, then i do NOT want to be a part of this "education".
BEFORE starting college i coded many projects.
I self-learned everything.
6 years of college and it taught me LESS THAN ZERO.
NOT EVEN ZERO.
LESS THAN ZERO because i got dumbed down, below the underground, and had to dig myself up on the surface.
I built software for an american real estate agency and sold it for 5 figures.
I built software for 3 people from New York for another 5 figures.
I even got offers to work in local software companies without having a degree.
At internship i was given a task to finish in 2 weeks. I finished it in 3 days. They were shocked and wanted to hire me for further work.
At another internship there was 4 of us working together as a team. At the end company contacted only ME and told me i showed the best results on their list out of ALL the teams and the team members that were with me.
Ever since i had to study for disgusting college i had to stop working.
Because of college, i have no source of income for MONTHS now.
Because of college, i had several mental breakdowns.
To all professors and assistants:
I pray that karma ruins your life with lethal outcome, and your kids die of cancer in pain.9
Fucking hate it when I'm tired as fuck but can't sleep because of mental restlessness.
... Like, when the fuck did the evolution come up with this shitshow? And why?5
Never underestimate the effects of stress, if you're going through stressful situations, it will take a physical and mental toll on your body, you may not see the effect right away because they come in small increments, but one day you will wake up and say damn. GET OUT NOW!!2
Accuracy 0.90 achieved so easily, makes me wonder if I've done something wrong. Lol.
My neural net models are the only things in my life doing well. I think I chose the right career. Lol.
Rerunning experiments is not fun. But getting better results is really... Ego stroking.26
Not gonna lie I have toxic people in my life and I have caught myself in multiple situations where I behaved differently, did or did not do something just because they were near.
Whenever these people are gone it’s just the most beautiful thing to be able to relax (also in my mind).
It’s crazy what other people do with us and how we can exaggerate all these feelings and emotions. The best thing I can do is to get rid of this toxicity in my life and move on.
Anybody else or is it just me?1
I think I’m going to lose my mind. This stupid website I’m working on keeps going down and at the worst times possible. Nothing we do seems to help. I’m again awakened in the middle of the night to attend to it and still have no good answers why. My anxiety is through the roof because I can’t get back to sleep after tonight’s outage. The client is beyond pissed even though a ton of problems would be solved if they would just get off of some legacy software and onto something more modern. But they insisted it be this way and the budget is already blown and then some even if they changed their minds. If it’s going to be that I continue losing so much sleep and sanity, I may just have to quit this job. I hate the thought of that because I always want to see things through to a happy conclusion. And I like my teammates and don’t want to let them down. But I’m too old for that kind of no-sleep development lifestyle now. Nobody’s shitty website is worth my physical and mental health.3
Undoubtedly the most common mistake that devs do : Ignoring your personal health, be it mental or physical.
I almost went through a burnout before realising things need to change.
Changed my lifestyle upside down after that
- Switched from wfh to an office job
- I cycle 12kms a day now
- Got a standing desk for myself to be more active
- and have a journal where i literally dump everything off my brain2
How are you guys taking care of mental health?
I feel down in dumps. Burnt out from previous job and life seems like a drag.
Any advice appreciated as I feel pretty isolated.20
Society would be a much better place if people had same level of emotional/mental self awareness as much as they have physical self awareness.18
I keep seeing the word “privileged” thrown around, and this one, I actually understand to be right.
But if you have a mental disease or another serious incurable condition, kick like 5000 points off your privilege scale.
Money and medication don’t always help. I’m ready to give a very, very thick stack of money to anyone who can actually cure what I have. I wish I could do it.10
This new job has more work than I can possibly complete in a day, week, or month. Deadlines pile up and I’m thoroughly exhausted all weekend. My mind feels lethargic and dull. People around me seem to be getting stuff done and I feel like I’m making too many mistakes and holding everyone back. Not sure I can stick with this job for the long haul to retirement. But freelancing absolutely sucks because nobody wants to pay you enough to feed yourself and it doesn’t scale to a full time salary for me. I simply don’t have the mental capacity to do the equivalent of four peoples’ jobs to design, code, QA, launch, and do all the digital marketing, advertising, writing, and maintenance for enough sites to make up my salary.3
Working with the Android SDK after about a decade of mostly avoiding ever having to do so directly...and fucking hell, nothing has changed.
It's still obtuse as fuck, you constantly have to provide contexts to operations which can't need them (there's only one fucking keyboard to close), and whilst they have added some new stuff which helps like Material, the APIs are just as mental, the setup just as elaborate and manual - and they don't seem to have deprecated anything along the way, so fifteen years of random software design decisions cohabit awkwardly together like the Bucket family.
I don't really mind Java, it's just long-winded C - but boy has it found its niche here. Your code is more boilerplate than not until you've written more than you'll mostly ever need to for an app.
At this point I'm just laughing when I come across another Stack Overflow solution for a trivial operation that involves writing an entire class. I would try Kotlin but this isn't a new project, and I'm not pissing another ingredient into this hot mess.
Alright, Android Studio is an improvement on Eclipse, but that's not really saying much.3
There are two weeks left until the PhD application results are published. But I'm having such awful nervous breakdowns. I don't even know, if it's anxiety or if I'm literally dying inside from something else. From an almost-heart-attack today when I got a trivial and unrelated bad-news email, to keep having weird dreams about things like end of the world and post-apocalyptic life, or being jumpy all the time.
... And it's not like it's life or death, I know that. I know that I can do other things if this doesn't stick. I know things will workout the way they should; I know all of those. But there's just something destroying my physical and mental health right now, and I don't even know if it's just the anxiety for the next big step in my career, or something else, or how I should deal with it.
... Anyways, amannoyed.7
Web Devs - I need your opinions.
To make a long story short, when my fiancé and I first moved in together I changed cities. One day at the grocery store we ran in to one of his old buddies, whom I had never met. His buddy works as a counselor at a non profit organization for mental illness. His friend asked me some questions to get to know me and found out I was a web developer. He instantly got exited and told us they needed a new website for their non profit, and asked me what I charged. Being shy, put on the spot, newer to the industry (uncomfortable talking $ due to inexperience) and seeing the guy was paralyzed I felt I HAD to say yes. I also said I would consider donating the site to them, as I knew my other web dev friends had done that for other non profits.
They were easy to work with and the build went smooth. We chose Wordpress so that they could go in and update the site on their own. I was under the assumption that I would create the site for them, but that they would take care of changes on their own, that I wouldn't be "supporting it". I even trained the friend 2-3xs on how to use Wordpress and make changes, but they ALWAYS have changes every month, including slides and content creation. Being a noob at the time, I KNOW it's my fault for not being more clear on the I'll build it but not make changes thing, and I've tried to kind of get them to see that I'm too busy, politely.
We'll, 3+ years later I've now found success in a different career path that takes up ALL of my free time after my 9-5 corporate web dev position, and am no longer interested nor able to do freelance work, including supporting existing sites. Since we don't have a contract in place, and they've never given me a cent, i was thinking of giving them a notice at the end of this month saying as of 2018 I will no longer be able to take care of their website, and that they'll have to find someone else by that time? I feel bad because it's a non profit and they don't have a lot of money. I'm afraid they won't find someone else nor be able to afford it. The situation is a little more sticky since this is my fiancés friend and I don't want them to feel like I'm leaving them high and dry, cuz I know they're very thankful for the site. I just wish they understood that I never promised to do changes for them every month. Even if they offered me money, I just don't have the time. I'm 100% fine if they want to keep the site and my code, although they really could use a redesign anyways cuz my code back then was terrible. What are your thoughts on this? Is 5 months fair? Am I doing the right thing?8
Before lockdown, I was working in what was pretty much my dream job. Coding, problem-solving, listening to music on the company headsets, nights out, and even a work social holiday. With no university revision to complete, I had a lot more free time than I had prior and properly got back into playing video games and watching DVDs that I had been putting off, not to mention extra money.
Enter lockdown. All of this freedom was taken away by COVID-19. My living space had turned into a literal prison. All of my social connections had evaporated and work took over my life as there was no other life left to take away. Video calls through Electron-powered bloatware that breaks constantly do not count, no matter how much the lying companies behind it insist otherwise. Sure, my game consoles were still physically there but my productivity had rapidly drained away to the point that I was not completing nearly as much as I would in a full morning in a full day, so they went unused. My management were very understanding of this - they probably saw where I was mentally. By the time my contract finished, the project that I had started just before lockdown was so broken that they had to call me back to fix it before my company laptop was returned.
My enthusiasm for programming and technology was damaged considerably and at one point I swore I would never work in this industry again. I tried finishing my university course but it is, to this day (October 2022) still remote so I just left as I did not sign up for the Open University. May as well just watch YouTube as I learn far more that way and it doesn't slow down my computer nearly as much. I am slowly recovering - I've started working on personal projects again, my counselling appointment is next week, and - after a stint in fast food and away from the computer - I am once again looking for a programming job as a few of them have returned to a functioning workplace and I do miss the salary, though it has become very challenging to find anything to apply to - it's an absolute minefield out there in ways that were largely irrelevant before COVID-19.16
I'm very consumed by the world affairs, events, politics, and news. It consumes a big part of my thoughts and mental energy. I really want to stop following and getting consumed by all of this. But, I also want to at least have an idea about what's happening. I truly believe that one should not be neutral and should do their due diligence to find and support the right cause and take a stance (even if by words). It's a difficult balance to achieve.10
How to manage when you start something good for you, start taking decisions for your good and people start spreading hate about you. It obviously will effects your mental health right?
How you guys manage it? I mean how?
Today I'm feeling of getting bullied and getting bullied again from the same person. I'm correct but can't show the correctness just because there's no proof I've in-hand.
I'm literally tired of people now!4
I feel like it might be a tiny bit (not much) better among React developers, but I ended up within one of those enterprise Angular till death companies, and it seems like nobody would ever doubt their Typescript skills, yet nobody actually understands Typescript at all.
It's not that I'm a master of Typescript.
But while I feel like I'm the only one understanding the mental model behind Typescript and also get stuff like mapped types or why you might wanna replace your enums with as const assertions, the rest calls themselves Typescript developers in their CV, no doubt. But It's way to easy to write whatever Typescript, while it's not as easy to reel get the hang of it.7
I hate my brain.
Got a compliment, my brain automatically rejected it and judged it.
Then it started to judge the judgement. Then the judge^3.
Then go all the way to the recursion.
For the last few days my brain is making me lose focus on everything because of this.
And the most fucked up thing is, I am paranoid of my own brain, so I really judged my memories and shit. I think I am losing my mind, my uni doesn't have consulting for students either nor I have money.
Any advices from ppl who went to a psychologists will be appreciated. A lot.13
We find our hero, fullstackclown🤡, again harrowed by idiotic management.
Our backdrop and set: A Google calendar appointment was booked between the managers and fullstackclown. fullstackclown had created an all-day appointment for today which reads: "fullstackclown on site".
With the scene set, let us begin our tale..........
Manager: Are you going to be on site today?
fullstackclown🤡: Do you see the appointment I booked on our calendar stating that indeed I will be on site today?
fullstackclown🤡: you are an absolute idiot
I literally don't know what to do anymore. I mean it's RIGHT THERE IN YOUR CALENDAR. HOW MUCH MORE CLEAR DO YOU WANT IT TO BE?! DO YOU WANT A TWILIO APP THAT SENDS YOU A PRERECORDED VOICE MESSAGE IN MY VOICE, CONFIRMING MY CALENDAR APPOINTMENTS?!
What type of mindset causes this type of behavior of double or triple checking things as simple as a calendar booking? Honestly shows a complete breakdown of normal mental functioning in my opinion.5
Play Store's $25 registration fee - for getting PWA listed in their shitty catalogue? Who in the right mind would even jump in this clusterfuck of store to find a *web* app? For all you know, Google, there is such thing as QR codes - and customers can just scan the code (or type in that sweet address). Voila! Boom!!! Ching-ching!
Hello-hello, monopolistic cashgrabage! I came to inform you that your TWA bullshit is unneeded in ETHICAL space. The only ones who would benefit from this thing are permission-hungry publishers. And I'm already sick of this culture where people are put into store bubbles. You can't hide the fact that this data and features you provide, with "native" layer, may be misused in a jiffy - and by big players, no less. Of course, as a vile dumpster that you are, you don't mind it.
Don't even bring up a battery consumption that comes with PWA and browser. This doesn't matter if you use an app for some 2 minutes to tick your mental checkboxes! I'm just sick of app stores and native apps that collect the data without normal warning, and dare to take more than 1 second to fucking load the cached data. Take a lesson or two from PWAs that collect (probably useful) cache, instead of my specs, and load almost instantly.12
Woke up and got a fking fever out of nowhere. My vision delays when i turn my head while walking, feeling unstable physically, brain feels like its melting, headache, im hot and have high temperature, burning from inside and at one point i started hallucinating the more movement i made, literally saw someone walking in front of my bedroom while no one was there. And then started seeing circles triangles and square shapes in my vision but for a short period of time. I live with my parents
Wtf is this???? Did i experience mental burnout from excess stress and studying???9
I spent 4 months in a programming mentorship offered by my workplace to get back to programming after 4 years I graduated with a CS degree.
Back in 2014, what I studied in my first programming class was not easy to digest. I would just try enough to pass the courses because I was more interested in the theory. It followed until I graduated because I never actually wrote code for myself for example I wrote a lot of code for my vision class but never took a personal initiative. I did however have a very strong grip on advanced computer science concepts in areas such as computer architecture, systems programming and computer vision. I have an excellent understanding of machine learning and deep learning. I also spent time working with embedded systems and volunteering at a makerspace, teaching Arduino and RPi stuff. I used to teach people older than me.
My first job as a programmer sucked big time. It was a bootstrapped startup whose founder was making big claims to secure funding. I had no direction, mentorship and leadership to validate my programming practices. I burnt out in just 2 months. It was horrible. I experienced the worst physical and emotional pain to date. Additionally, I was gaslighted and told that it is me who is bad at my job not the people working with me. I thought I was a big failure and that I wasn't cut out for software engineering.
I spent the next 6 months recovering from the burn out. I had a condition where the stress and anxiety would cause my neck to deform and some vertebrae were damaged. Nobody could figure out why this was happening. I did find a neurophyscian who helped me out of the mental hell hole I was in and I started making recovery. I had to take a mild anti anxiety for the next 3 years until I went to my current doctor.
I worked as an implementation engineer at a local startup run by a very old engineer. He taught me how to work and carry myself professionally while I learnt very little technically. A year into my job, seeing no growth technically, I decided to make a switch to my favourite local software consultancy. I got the job 4 months prior to my father's death. I joined the company as an implementation analyst and needed some technical experience. It was right up my alley. My parents who saw me at my lowest, struggling with genetic depression and anxiety for the last 6 years, were finally relieved. It was hard for them as I am the only son.
After my father passed away, I was told by his colleagues that he was very happy with me and my sisters. He died a day before I became permanent and landed a huge client. The only regret I have is not driving fast enough to the hospital the night he passed away. Last year, I started seeing a new doctor in hopes of getting rid of the one medicine that I was taking. To my surprise, he saw major problems and prescribed me new medication.
I finally got a diagnosis for my condition after 8 years of struggle. The new doctor told me a few months back that I have Recurrent Depressive Disorder. The most likely cause is my genetics from my father's side as my father recovered from Schizophrenia when I was little. And, now it's been 5 months on the new medication. I can finally relax knowing my condition and work on it with professional help.
After working at my current role for 1 and a half years, my teamlead and HR offered me a 2 month mentorship opportunity to learn programming from scratch in Python and Scrapy from a personal mentor specially assigned to me. I am still in my management focused role but will be spending 4 hours daily of for the mentorship. I feel extremely lucky and grateful for the opportunity. It felt unworldly when I pushed my code to a PR for the very first time and got feedback on it. It is incomparable to anything.
So we had Eid holidays a few months back and because I am not that social, I began going through cs61a from Berkeley and logged into HackerRank after 5 years. The medicines help but I constantly feel this feeling that I am not enough or that I am an imposter even though I was and am always considered a brilliant and intellectual mind by my professors and people around me. I just can't shake the feeling.
Anyway, so now, I have successfully completed 2 months worth of backend training in Django with another awesome mentor at work. I am in absolute love with Django and Python. And, I constantly feel like discussing and sharing about my progress with people. So, if you are still reading, thank you for staying with me.
TLDR: Smart enough for high level computer science concepts in college, did well in theory but never really wrote code without help. Struggled with clinical depression for the past 8 years. Father passed away one day before being permanent at my dream software consultancy and being assigned one of the biggest consultancy. Getting back to programming after 4 years with the help of change in medicine, a formal diagnosis and a technical mentorship.3
I am just so tired these days and find it extremely hard to work at all, let alone on the tasks I'm supposed to work on. I spend a lot of time distracting myself compulsively instead, even off work.
I have a vacation planned soon, but I do need to finish an important project before that (which I have been procrastinating on for the last 2 weeks).
These days I often feel like quitting tech altogether or at least taking an extended break.2
After a wildly productive day yesterday, I've spent most of today staring at my screen, going down mental rabbit holes. Sod's law!
It's not helped by an accidental all-nighter last night - I'm too old for that shit these days1
Hear me out. Ive been trying to fix this flutter bug for... I lost the count of how many days or weeks it was, maybe even months. I now got to the point of having borderline mental breakdown. I am crying because i cant solve this bug and there is no one to help me. I am on my own. All by myself. And im crying.1
How to disconnect from work after working hours? Im working for the last 4 months as a mid level dev in this company. I mean Im able to problem-solve and do my work but sometimes I get so addicted to problem solving that I get worried and become obsessed, hyperfixated (especialy if Im stuck on something for lets say a couple weeks). It goes to the point where I work from home 12-14 hours a day just to figure out some bug in the flow.
Thing is, our codebase is large and when doing every new refactor/feature some surprises happen. I dont have a decent mentor who could teach me one on one or even do pair programming with. All i have is just some colleagues who can point me to right direction or do a code review from time to time. Thats it.
I dont know why I take this so personally. For example I had to do a feature which I did in 1 week, then MR got approved by devs and QA. After that during regression they found like 3 blockers and I felt really bad and ashamed. While in reality our BA did not define feature properly, devs who reviewed it didnt even launch the code and poke around in the app, and our team's QA tested only the happy scenario. Basically this is failing/getting delayed because of a failure in like 6-7 people chain.
However for some reason Im taking this very personally, that I, as a dev failed. Maybe due to my ADHD or something but for the next days or weeks as long as I dont find solution I will isolate myself and tryhard until I get it right. Then have a few days of chill until I face another obstacle in another task again. And this keeps repeating and repeating.
My senior colleague tells me to chill and dont let work take such a toll on my emotional/physical/mental health. But its hard. He has 7 years of experience and has decent memory. I have 2-3 years of experience and have ADHD, we are not the same. I dont know how to become a guy who clocks out after 8 hours of work done everyday. Its like I feel that they might fire me or I will look bad if I dont put in enough effort. Not like I was ever fired for performance issues... Anyways I dont know how to start working to live, instead of living for work.
I hate who Im becoming. I dont work out anymore, started smoking a lot, dont exercise. I live this self induced anxiety driven workaholic lifestyle.6
Fuck it, go ruin your own life, I don't deserve this shit.
I don't deserve getting treated like shit by my mother for financially helping her, in fact, bringing all the fucking money in this household to the table.
I don't deserve being gaslighted by some hypocrite who victimized or egos themself up to fit their narrative.
Just ruin your own day, but keep me out of it. I'm tired of playing mental support just to be shit on.2
for the life of me I cannot figure out in my mind how to structure this project I want to start, and jumping right into coding does not improve this mental block.
At work this Golang code base has a clean architecture, so easy to maintain and extend, and I'm unable to replicate it on my own project(s). It sucks to be an ignorant.2
I don't care about market cap. Stick your hype-driven business practices up your ass. Infinite growth doesn't exist. I won't read your fucking books and attend your fucking bootcamps and MBAs. You don't have a business model. Selling data is not a business model. Fuck your quick-flip venture capital schemes, and especially fuck your “ethics”.
I will be the first alt-tech CEO. I only care about revenue. The real money, not capitalization bubble vaporware. You don't need a huge fleet of engineers if you're smart about your technology, know how to do architecture, and you're not a feature creep. You don't need venture capital if you don't need a huge fleet of engineers. You don't need to sell data if you don't need venture capital. See? See the pattern here?
My experience allows me to build products on entirely my own. I am fully aware of the limitations of being alone, and they only inspire lean thinking and great architectural decisions. If you know throwing capacity at a problem is not an option, you start thinking differently. And if you don't need to hire anyone, it is very easy to turn a profit and make it sustainable.
If you don't follow the path of tech vaporware, you won't have the problems of tech vaporware, namely distrust of your user base, shitty updates that break everything, and of course “oops, they raised capital, time to leave before things go south”.
A friend of mine went the path I'm talking about, developed a product over the course of four years all alone, reached $10k MRR and sold for $0.8M. But I won't sell. I only care about revenue. If I get to $10k MRR, I will most likely stop doing new features and focus on fixing all the bugs there are and improving performance. This and security patches. Maybe an occasional facelift. That's it. Some products are valued because they don't change, like Sublime Text. The utility tool you can rely on. This is my scheme, this is what I want to do in life. A best-kept secret.
Imagine 100 million users that hate my product but use it because there are no alternatives, 100 people in data enrichment department alone, a billion dollars of evaluation (without being profitable), 10 million twitter followers, and ten VC firms telling me what to do and what data to sell.
Fuck that. I'd rather have one thousand loyal customers and $10k MRR. I'm different, some call it a mental illness, but the bottom line is, my goals are beyond their understanding. They call me crazy. I won't say it was never about the money, of course it was, but inflating your evaluation is not “money”. But the only thing they have is their terrible hustle culture lives and some VC street wisdom, meanwhile I HAVE products, it is on record on my PH. I have POTDs, I have a fucking Golden Kitty nomination on health and fitness for a product I made in one day. Fuck you.6
So this is kinda hard to talk about but.. I finally got to a point in my career where I don't have a boss, work remote, make my own schedule etc.. problem is .. I am very low on productivity I feel like I'm working maybe 1/10th of my capacity and although Yea this may sound dream-like .. it gets old and I'm realizing that I used to excel at my last job for my boss.. I wanted to please him in every way for validation and acceptance..
Yea that's dysfunctional as fuck .. so basically how the hell do i use my own mind to drive my excellence? I'm so lost and don't really know how to find the motivation that people pleasing once brought me..
For some context as well, I have also done a lot of psychedelics over the past couple years and it has basically destroyed my ego .. "but that's a good thing" you say?
Well yes and no, I used to rely on my ego to drive me on my own in lieu of wanting acceptance and validation from my boss. So that was a bit unexpected, getting rid of my ego got rid of my dysfunctional drives to prove myself to others and seek acceptance..
Gahh I'm ranting :'D
TL;DR: how do you motivate yourself if you've traditionally found motivation through pleasing others???4
When my brain was overloaded and overwhelmed during rapid-cycling bipolar disorder, my life and my thoughts were a complete mess. Somehow, when I heard or imagined plurals of certain words, like "cans" or "cups", my brain painted pictures of a cute civilization of living soda cans. They fought oppression that came from us humans, but lacked mental capacity to do so. I felt really sorry for them and wanted to help. The more ordinary the word were, the more striking effect it had on me.
The rapid-cycling fashion of bipolar disorder is often triggered by unfit prescription medicines. This kind of disorder is among the most lethal mental disorders there are, with a huge percentage of patients committing suicide.
If you can't make sense of your thoughts, if your emotional responses seem inadequate or too strong, to the point when you can collapse crying after some random thought, stop whatever you're doing and seek help. Ask friends and family to find you a psychiatrist, as by the time you need help, you may lack mental capacity or emotional resource to find a doctor by yourself. To me, even the idea of leaving my bedroom and going somewhere was painful to think about.
If your thoughts appear to be "put into your brain" against your own will, if they make no sense, don't attempt to make sense of them. They are nothing but a random noise produced by overwhelmed synapses.
Currently trying to find a programming job - seriously, why is everything still operating with a lockdown mindset as if there's no COVID-19 vaccine? I'm simply looking to work in an office 9-5 and go home at the end of the day, leaving work behind until the next day when I am refreshed, and not having remote colleagues badger me when I'm out of the office. This was standard before the pandemic and now impossible to find. Hybrid is not an option, work should never intrude into my home again after it's bruising (and lasting) effects on my mental health.
Does anyone know where I might find a job like this? I tried Goldman Sachs but they don't have any offices in my city.22
a few jobs have wrecked my mental health to where i am so concentrated on trying to get out i can't enjoy jack shit or get motivated to do anything.
i hate having to look busy, absolutely makes me mald.
i hate dealing with the same repetitious bs every day, especially when it's others being idiots and me reexplaining things or redoing work.4
Someone in the #us slack channel posted about how, if other Americas were dealing with roe v wade, they could come to the mental health channel.
I really want to respond about how Americans are a diverse group, and some are thankful for a judgement that preserves what some consider life, and to keep our diverse opinions in mind.
But I'm not going to. I'm not stupid. It's not worth starting a fight or potentially losing a job over. So I remain silent, like a coward.
I earn a lot of money, enough to ignore ideology I don't agree with, and messages that would have been considered totally inappropriate at one time.26
Every time a new hype thing appeared, I was annoyed, like "kids these days and their tiktoks".
But at some point in time, this pattern of mine changed completely. I don't know how it happened, I don't know when it happened, but now I experience... acute nostalgia?
I miss Elon Musk and his twitter fanbase. I miss tiktok. I feel like a time traveller who went into their past, which is our present, to experience the cultural landmarks once again, because their time here is limited, and tomorrow they will have to go back.
I miss my autism problems and mental health uphill battle. I miss avengers and thanos. I miss metaverse.
Oh, and also... I miss you.4
I am honestly flattered by the fact that @scor really, unironically thinks that “by the frequency and varsity and depth you post and comment and self imaging”, I can't be a single person, and there is a whole TEAM behind me!
Honestly, I don't care about insults. Neither yours, nor of that schmuck that is salty because he posted some stupid misogynic shit a while ago, I reposted it as a screenshot, and he was obliterated by the community.
I'm only posting this because people out there legitimately think I'm a hive mind. It's not every day that you're told whatever you do cannot be done by one person. To me, this is more of a compliment.
Looking past devRant, I would like to meet @scor and other haters IRL. I have no hard feelings. I'm just an autistic person with bipolar disorder. I post whatever I want, as it's somewhat therapeutic.
You don't have to acknowledge it, but here's an honest, personal message: if you at any point compare yourself to me and lose, remember, my personality and creativity is a negligent, slight payoff for a literal hell that is a mental disorder. My thoughts are thinking themselves. I can't control them. My body is twitching constantly. I'm both actively anxious and always tired. My intellect suffers a massive penalty in a depressive phase, like now.
Finding at least some positive side to that hellscape is absolutely vital, and any person with a disorder can tell you that.
The fact that I'm social, I have friends and a job is a miracle. I'm privileged. I've seen a lot of people less lucky than me. They weren't able to monetize their troubled, sharp brain. I was.21
Me in Backend dev contract. Everything worked great because I translated simple themes and worked with modules.
Did some work as full stack to same agency as a favor. Mostly frontend work but ok.
Now being judged as a frontend despite my multiple protests of not being a frontend developer. Nor do I have any interest in improving my skills as one.
It's now affecting my mental health and physical health. Thinking about not renewing that contract.
- What's the mental image of a software developer in your country/region ?
- Is the shy nerd guy who doesn't talk to anybody?
- Why do you think is so?
- Was it your mental image when you started learning it ?10
Any advice on how to deal with gatekeeping developers? How to deal with red tape?
I work with people that are resistant to code and process change. Continuous pedantic pushback on nearly anything; one raised a fuss over metrics not being satisfactory at a 5% threshold for alerting stating that 4.99% metrics variance wouldn't trigger an alert.
It's genuinely as though my coworkers are all scared of code based on the way they behave. They don't seem to code very often either.
I'm someone that codes quickly but I have to constantly write proposals for quite literally any change to the codebase. Even IF there were issues we could always rollback (and even then we have metrics, alerts, canary rollouts, feature flags, etc etc). As a quick aside, my pace isn't related to the pushback nor experience/skill level. Just affects my morale and mental heth to be blocked.
I can communicate effectively and I try to be as clear as possible in my proposals but this is absolutely driving me up the wall and killing my motivation.
This is a faang-level company and I would've expected better.
Any advice on how to best navigate this? Is this the norm???6
So, just to recap if you missed the last few episodes. I've been a web developer for years. But I decided to get a degree and go to uni.
Also I am firmly on the fewer comments side of the debate about self-documenting code. Even though I usually rephrase it and say method and variable names are comments. Basic idea: something is unclear, you should leave a comment. But, before you leave a comment, take a good look at your method. Can you rename a variable? Maybe the method name? Maybe extract a method into smaller methods so it doesn't need a comment? And only if you fail to do so, leave a comment.
Alright, now that we rehashed that, uni coding makes no bloody sense.
There is code that is abbreviated to the max (or min).
And then, they need everything commented. I mean, why do that? Why call the parameters a and b instead of base and exponent. And then say:
"But write a whole article about it above the method". Like:
a is the base for a power operation.
b is the exponent for a power operation.
return int representing a to the power of b
How about just do this:
public static int power(int base, int exponent).
How is this not the same documentation?
Is it because we're at a uni, a place for smart people and smart people shouldn't have an issue keeping a mental map between the variables and their meaning?
Or is it because they are all mathematicians. All respect to applied mathematics. I mean, the function about exponent calculation, I was not aware that it could be that effective. But on the other hand, keep mathematicians away from programming. I get it, writing maths per hand doesn't have intellisense and therefore you don't want to write long variable names. It's and old tradition. Yada yada, yah.
But programming is not maths. And maths shouldn't be maths like that. Right naming makes it simpler. It might still be a while until we all LaTeX rather than handwrite and be able to give maths right naming schemes, but programming is beyond the point. Calling the array you handing in a function A and the one that you're returning D makes no fucking sense.4
Wtf is wrong with AWS CDK? I add one EC2 instance and it deletes all my queues and api resources, then fails to create my EC2, does some fucking rollback then attempts and fails at some fucking rollback clean up.
So it nuked my entire fucking stack because why?
Because FUCKING WHY JEFF. WHY IS YOUR ROCKET SHAPED LIKE A PENIS AND WHY IS YOUR SHITTY FUCKING DEPLOYMENT SYSTEM FUCKING WITH ME LIKE THIS.
I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been doing this for months now. I really don’t know whether to laugh or have a mental break down.
Complete Disaster Kunt. That’s what I’m calling this shit from now on. I just don’t get how it can fuck itself up so much4
I recently built an automated payout functionality for bank-to-bank transfers, and we initially looked at using the pain.001 XML schema to do it. Luckily, we ended up finding a service that has a simple REST API to do this instead. (Thank god we didn't go with the XML method, I know how much of a headache that could become, I can imagine the treasure trove of memes with naming an XML schema with the name PAIN)
Anyway, for one of our big-brained product managers, this will forever be the infamous "XML Task" that he continues to ask about and bring up. I've already clarified a few times that we have long chosen a solution process that has nothing to do with XML, but to no avail, it will forever be his "XML Task". Wonder what name he'll pick next time we need XML in a solution? "Second XML Task?" Let's just keep the mental overhead idiot train going!3
Think about the amount of mental effort spent by programmers trying to understand the fundamental difference between a program and an algorithm!🤯4
Dear Sir/Ma'am, there's this research I've been doing. To find out the relationship between cyberbullying and mental health. Therefore I put a form of the survey below:
Who else hates the mental asylum inspired Picasso “art” used by google and as seen in our devrant avatars? I think it’s one of the most hideous art styles there is. Why can’t we be kawaii isometric chibi characters or something.9
My most upsetting rejection come from before I got into tech.
I was working in visitor services at a a cultural institution and I was trying to transfer to a different department. A big show was about to open and we were anticipating large crowds. I was tired of the stickup rich people that made of most of our guests. Now, there would plebs would be coming in droves and they would be even more ill behaved.
I didn’t get the job and had to continue on visitor services. It was upsetting because I was trying to save myself from mental stress. I went through months of being verbally demeaned by gross visitors and had physical injuries from working the incessant crowds. Only the seasonal hires were given special gifts when the show ended and I received nothing.
I did reapply for the transfer again when the position reopened a year later. I got the job. The hiring manager admitted that he should have hired me the last time. The girl they hired left after a year because she wanted to go to grad school. They wanted someone who was going to stay longer because training and hiring takes time.
How does it feel like coding for 5yrs straight, every weekday, any mental dissociation? Does the drive still remain the same 😅6
I think I just realized what my biggest gripe about our career paths that I hate the most.
This is something that has worsened over time, especially the last 2 to 3 years.
As developers, we have far too many options. Some of the most powerful apps are written with languages that have hard, and I mean HARD, guardrails in place. If the app is written in a language that does not meet this criteria usually a framework has been used to install those guardrails.
We just get our minds so wrapped around the possibilities and the opportunities in the software, that we just can't focus on the end result. We're like puppies that are excited about something and we just piss all over everything.
In my career I have met far too many developers that don't have the capacity and mental fortitude to take control of their actions. Because of this I think the only way for us to stop this corruption, that I feel we are nurturing, the solutions/services that we use need to push back on us and install those guardrails for us.
All this came from a change that Microsoft put in place that seems well intended, but introduces yet another choice and a multitude of opinions in how you release code.
It used to be a simple check box. If it was checked it was pre-release, if it was unchecked it was a production release. That's it. On or off. The simplest choice you ever needed to make on a release.
Now though, there are two check boxes. One for a pre-release and one for a latest release. You can also not check either for some "ephemeral" release? So now something as easy as on or off has been made into a difficult decision on how this works within my pipeline. Now every time I make a release I have to ask myself, "which one do I check?"
I shouldn't need to spend more than a second to identify a path forward on simple shit like this, but here we are with a third choice.
Can we just stop overcomplicating shit?6
How do you deal when you are overpromising and underdelivering due to really shitty unpredictable codebase? Im having 2-3 bad sprints in a row now.
For context: Im working on this point of sale app for the past 4 months and for the last 3 sprints I am strugglig with surprises and edgecases. I swear to god each time I want to implement something more complex, I have to create another 4-5 tickets just to fix the constraints or old bugs that prevent my feature implementation just so I could squeeze my feature in. That offsets my original given deadlines and its so fucking draining to explain myself to my teamlead about why feature has to be reverted why it was delayed again and so on.
So last time basically it went like this: Got assigned a feature, estimated 2 weeks to do it. I did the feature in time, got reviewed and approved by devs, got approved by QA and feature got merged to develop.
Then, during regression testing 3 blockers came up so I had to revert the feature from develop. Because QA took a very long time to test the feature and discover the blockers, now its like 3 days left until the end of the sprint. My teamlead instantly started shitting bricks, asked me to fix the blockers asap.
Now to deal with 3 blockers I had to reimplement the whole feature and create like 3 extra tickets to fix existing bugs. Feature refactor got moved to yet another sprint and 3 tickets turned into like 8 tickets. Most of them are done, I created them just to for papertrail purposes so that they would be aware of how complex this is.
It taking me already extra 2 weeks or so and I am almost done with it but Im going into really deep rabbithole here. I would ask for help but out of other 7 devs in the team only one is actually competent and helpful so I tried to avoid going to him and instead chose to do 16 hour days for 2 weeks in a row.
Guess what I cant sustain it anymore. I get it that its my fault maybe I should have asked for help sooner.
But its so fucking frustrating trying to do mental gymnastics over here while majority of my team is picking low hanging fruit tasks and sitting for 2 weeks on them but they manage to look good infront of everyone.
Meanwhile Im tryharding here and its no enough, I guess I still look incompetent infront of everyone because my 2 weeks task turned into 6 weeks and I was too stubborn to ask for help. Whats even worse now is that teamlead wants me to lead a new initiative what stresses me even more because I havent finished the current one yet. So basically Im tryharding so much and I will get even extra work on top. Fucking perfect.
My frustration comes from the point that I kinda overpromised and underdelivered. But the thing is, at this point its nearly impossible to predict how much a complex feature implementation might take. I can estimate that for example 2 weeks should be enough to implement a popup, but I cant forsee the weird edgecases that can be discovered only during development.
My frustration comes from devs just reviewing the code and not launching the app on their emulator to test it. Also what frustrates me is that we dont have enough QA resources so sometimes feature stands for extra 1-2 weeks just to be tested. So we run into a situation where long delays for testing causes late bug discovery that causes late refactors which causes late deliveries and for some reason I am the one who takes all the pressure and I have to puloff 16 hour workdays to get something done on time.
I am so fucking tired from last 2 sprints. Basically each day fucking explaining that I am still refactoring/fixing the blocker. I am so tired of feeling behind.
Now I know what you will say: always underpromise and overdeliver. But how? Explain to me how? Ok example. A feature thats add a new popup? Shouldnt take usually more than 2 weeks to do my part. What I cant promise is that devs will do a proper review, that QA wont take 2 extra weeks just to test the feature and I wont need another extra 2 weeks just to fix the blockers.
I see other scrum team devs picking low hanging fruit tasks and sitting for 2 weeks on them. Meanwhile Im doing mental gymnastics here and trying to implement something complex (which initially seemed like an easy task). For the last 2 weeks Im working until 4am.
Im fucking done. I need a break and I will start asking other devs for help. I dont care about saving my face anymore. I will start just spamming people if anything takes longer than a day to implement. Fuck it.
I am setting boundaries. 8 hours a day and In out. New blockers and 2 days left till end of the sprint? Sorry teamlead we will move fixes to another sprint.
It doesnt help that my teamlead is pressuring me and asking the same shit over and over. I dont want them to think that I am incompetent. I dont know how to deal with this shit. Im tired of explaining myself again and again. Should I just fucking pick low hanging fruit tasks but deliver them in a steady pace? Fucking hell.4
Interested to know if anyone has taken psychedelics for depression or other mental health issues and what happened.
Just been looking into it a bit lately, a lot of the advocates for it say it’s changed lives. Having had depression from quite a young age and nothing really making a difference, I’m just wondering how much it actually helps.6
So I started out in 2010ish as an intern, entirely remote. It let me attend school in my home state while working for a company elsewhere. Fast forward to 2017, I leave that company to work at a college, as a hybrid model. Found I was more productive on days that I was home/working from the lab versus days I was in the office. Skip to 2018, I get a job working for the Air Force which is ALSO hybrid. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't as good for me as when I was remote. In 2019 I started working for NYS and had to report to an office full time. YIKES was that not for me. My mental health started slipping, my physical health went out the window, and I barely got anything done. Along comes COVID and I'm back to 100% remote! Well, NYS Gov Cathy GoKill is trying to push state employees back to the office, and I really don't want to deal with that unnecessary stress again. Ever. Does anyone have any tips for starting out or looking for employment in the private sector, when my priority would be staying remote?
Letting my hateful spirit breathe some: I recently have remembered that no one called me during my 4 months of chemotherapy. Debating if I should cut off everyone I know previously because I know I can’t trust them anymore. If I can’t trust them with my life, why would I ever speak to them? Why would I ever care to see these idiots? What is preventing me from going to their homes and ending it for the mental anguish they have given me?2
I'm so close to a mental breakdown.
If I had a penny for every second wasted by its loading spinner, I could already sip cocktails on my own yacht.4
Guys, i am having a tough time in work. So, i am sharing the story and questions here-
Initially, i was doing well with new projects and other existing projects where implemented new features.
But recently, i am assigned to a old project created by clients and some senior developer worked on it .
Ps: I was also assigned to this project 8 months earlier but was reassigned to other projects.
Now, Our senior developer who worked on it resigned because of the messy project and a lot of pressure from boss.
my colleague also resigned because of this.
Due to this, all this pressure thrown upon me. I am working on it relentlessly but i am soo burned out that i am actually feeling sick and constantly having headache.
And main thing is that the project has so many errors which iam getting during testing and i have to fix all of the error.
And yes they have documentation but shitty unreadable documentation . My manager also rebuking me why i dont remember things said to me 8 months earlier. (That time i just joined the company)
I don't know what will happen to me if i cant tackle this project.
And what should i do in such cases as my mental health is deteriorating day by day.3