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Manager: We need to setup the security in the Mexico server
Dev: You mean that 3rd party firewall add on?
Manager: Yes
Dev: And set up the billing on the Mexico account?
Manager: Yes
Dev: lol, sure thing I’ll create the ticket
Manager: What’s so funny?
Dev: Nothing
Ticket: Build wall and get Mexico to pay for it.14 -
Manager: Why aren’t you working?
Dev: I am, I’m just not typing because I’m thinking an issue out.
Manager: Well what is taking so long? You haven’t written any code for like 15 minutes, you’ve just been doodling on your notepad.
Dev: I’m not “doodling”. I’m taking notes and trying to visualize the issue. It’s a complicated issue with application stat—
Manager: Well just simplify it then
Dev: ?
Manager: Instead of making it a complicated issue just simplify it and then it won’t take you so long. You’re likely overthinking it, I never spend more than 30 seconds thinking about any issue before coming up with a solution. That’s what makes me so effective at my job is my ability to be lean like that.
Dev: …this issue is a bit harder than deciding what to have for lunch25 -
Relatives: You're a computer guy, right, what are you working on these days?
Me: *should I bother explaining, should I not* Oh, just some stuff.
R: Oh come on, tell us, how difficult can it be?
M: *sigh* I'm working on a custom garbage collector for-
R: !!
They're now under the impression that I'm involved in collecting rubbish from bins. Sigh. My hair doesn't help here, either, lol (I have one of those tangled, unruly mops of hair)
This will take time to explain.17 -
Manager: How come the intern does way more tickets than you?
Dev: Because you told me to only give him the easy ones since he either can’t do them otherwise or takes too long on the hard ones
Manager: Well how is he going to learn if we only give him easy ones?
Dev: That’s what I told you when you orig—
Manager: Assign him ALL of the hard tickets on your board immediately!
*Tickets closed per day drops significantly*
Manager: WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG ON THESE TICKETS!!!!!
Dev: …19 -
Manager: This button is too dark, you need to lighten it. Have you no sense of design?
Dev: …
Dev: Hows this for an adjustment?
Manager: Wayyyyy too light now, jesus you need glasses if you think that’s good.
Dev: …
Dev: How about now?
Manager: It’s close, make it just a little more dark. God why does this have to take so long, do I have to hold your hand through this entire process!
Dev: …
Dev: There that good?
Manager: Yes that’s perfect! Send me a PR immediately so I can approve, we need to get this out ASAP, it’s critical!!
Dev: I can’t.
Manager: ????
Dev: There’s no diff, you had me gradually adjust the colour back to exactly what it was originally.
Manager: THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE IT LOOKS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME LIKE THIS, I HAVE A MEETING I NEED TO GET OFF TO BUT WE WILL BE HAVING WORDS LATER ABOUT THIS INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOUR.
Dev: …16 -
Manager: Does anybody having any money saving ideas?
Dev: By switching our supplier from X to Y we could save $10,000/year and they have much better customer service.
Manager: So? I’m looking more for savings opportunities in the +$100k range. That’s a small idea, I’m looking for *BIG* ideas.
Dev: Do you have any big ideas?
Manager: No, but I really really want to save big money like that. I thought you would have something worthwhile.
Dev: $10,000 still a lot of money
Manager: I guess…. Ok we can do it. But don’t bother me with peanuts like this again.
Dev: ??? You asked me buddy14 -
Manager: This code you wrote violates the single responsibility principle!!
Dev: How so?
Manager: You have one function that you call in *MULTIPLE* places. That’s too much responsibility for one function! Functions should only have one responsibility!! Creeping the scope of a function beyond that is a TERRIBLE way to write code!
Dev: But why spin up multiple functions that all perform the same thing?
Manager: Well if a function has a bug in it and you use that function multiple places then that bug exists everywhere you use that function. If a function only has one responsibility then if it has a bug that bug will only exist in the single place it is called! You really should think first before asking questions like that.
Dev: …25 -
Manager: You really shouldn’t be doing that
Dev: It’s in my job description
Manager: Yeah but you still shouldn’t be doing it.
Dev: Who should I hand it off to?
Manager: We don’t have anyone else to hand off that task to.
Dev: Ok, do I stop doing it?
Manager: 😡 Of course not, it needs to get done! I’m just saying you shouldn’t do it.
Dev: ???????????12 -
Recruiter: This is a 100% remote position
Dev: Good! That’s what I’m looking for.
Recruiter: But the company does require you to come into the office “on occasion”
Dev: I live 5 hours away from your office so that would be not a good fit
Recruiter: And once covid is over the ability to work remotely will be getting reconsidered. You’ll likely need to move cities in order to continue your employment with them.
Dev: Yeah I’m looking for 100% remote work
Recruit: This is 100% remote! Just with the need to come into the office sometimes now and potentially more later.
Dev: …15 -
Manager: THE SERVER IS DOWN THE SERVER IS DOWN!!!!
Dev: Ok I’ll look into it
*5 mins later
Dev: Wow these are really strange logs, it’s like config values are being changed all over the place while I’m looking at it
Manager: Well I figured while you were looking into it I’d go i to the server settings and change everything I could find in order to try and get the server back up again. Two sets of hands are better than one, Is it up yet???
Dev: …No.
Manager: I THOUGT YOU SAID YOU’D LOOK INTO THIS. I NEED ANSWERS NOW. WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG?!?!?
Dev: …12 -
Manager: You devs are constantly complaining about context switching, if you were on my level you would be able to multitask and switch from task to task without an— hold on I’m getting a text *tap* *tap* *tap tap* *tap* *send noise*
Manager: Right, what were we talking about again?
Dev: …15 -
Manager: Oh my god have you heard of libraries? I don’t even need to hire developers anymore, everything can just be done with code other people have already built for free
Dev: Well you actually cause a bit of technical debt when you use an abstrac—
Manager: EVERY TICKET SHOULD BE DONE USING LIBRARIES GOING FORWARD.
Dev: …This is going to implode…Can we at least fund some of the libraries we end up using?
Manager: WHAT? NO! Open source developers are suckers, what idiot puts code on the internet for free?? I shouldn’t be required to fund their stupidity. Let’s just take their stuff and make money with it.
Dev: *Phone rings 100th time today from recruiter*. One sec I have to take this call……It’s urgent.13 -
Manager: Hurry up and login, I don’t have all day
Dev: One sec I have to lookup my password for the system
Manager: How can you not remember your password? Everything requires it these days
Dev: I use a different password for each service.
Manager: Wow you really like to overcomplicate things. Just use the same one for everything like I do, it’s way more efficient!
Dev: …17 -
User: We have been dealing with this bug for a month now! How come nobody has fixed it?
Dev: Who did notify about this issue?
User: You’re not listening we have been dealing with this for a MONTH!
Dev: When this issue first occurred did you tell anyone?
User: Yes!
Dev: Who?
User: …. Ok I don’t remember but I know I said something to someone. Anyway it doesn’t matter, your job is IT so how come this isn’t fixed?
Dev: Did you have an email? Ticket number? Teams message? Any record of where this was dropped?
User: I think you’re missing the point. We haven’t been able to do out jobs for A MONTH. We’ve just been sitting around completely helpless. We’ve been trying to figure a system using paper and pencil to replace the electronic one but it’s too complicated. How come this wasn’t fixed the second it happened?
Dev: It’s hard to respond to an issue if it’s not brought to out attention.
User: Ok but we are too busy to create a ticket! We have a million things to do and we can’t do any of them because your app doesn’t work! We’ve been sitting here telling each other how terrible this system is AND IT HAS BEEN A MONTH.
Dev: …. Yeah I got that12 -
Manager: Good news everyone, I made a big giant announcement this morning that the app upgrades will be released today!
Dev: They definitely won’t be, we need another 2 weeks minimum. I told you yesterday
Manager: Ok well I already made the announcement that today was the day so too bad for you.
Dev: Doesn’t change the state of things
Manager: 😡 This announcement is supposed to motivate you to work faster! You guys are making me look bad when you don’t support me like this!
Dev: Working as fast as we can, it’s a 2 person dev team for 4 separate applications so it’s quite a bit to get pushed through
Manager: Ok well then stay extra then, we have to get this out asap. Tell your spouses they are not going to be seeing much of you until this work is done. People are starting to ask questions!!!!!
Dev: Not my problem, it’s done when its done. I’m not staying extra.
Manager: !!
// *************
Might be blowing my cover a little but what are they going to do? Fire me? Good luck getting this out without me. They’ve tried to replace me in the past but the cheapest person they could find was 60k more expensive than me and still couldn’t keep up. Probably they’ll ship the work overseas and the code will die in a dumpster fire and cost them even more. Ah well, just another company that doesn’t deserve code.20 -
Manager: How long until the current set of tickets is complete?
Dev: Based on storyboard points it’ll be 1.5 weeks from now
Manager: That’s unacceptable! Let me take a look at the board and see if I can remove some low priority tickets.
*Later that day*
Manager: Oooo I found a bunch of really exciting tickets in the backlog that I forgot about. I’ve added them to the board.
Dev: Did you remove any?
Manager: Huh? Oh right. No, I looked and it all needs to get done.
Dev: With these new tickets added to the board our new estimate is 4 weeks.
Manager: WHAT?!? BUT I SPENT ALL DAY LOOKING FOR EFFICIENCIES!!
Dev: …15 -
Manager: How come I go on vacation for 2 weeks and you are able to start, complete, and ship an entire sprint in that time where as when I'm around, the same amount of work takes months? I even got COMPLIMENTS from *the client* about how smoothly things went while I was gone...THIS IS COMPLETELY EMBARRASSING AND UNACCEPTABLE!
Dev: Well. I cancelled all of the status meetings, created tickets with clear expectations, didn't change those expectations, didn't add every idea that popped into the client's head during those two weeks to the current sprint, didn't pull anyone off their tickets to teach me to code, cut the budget for making degrading comments to zero, and incentivised everyone to work by allowing a half days on fridays to work on personal projects if we stayed on schedule.
Manager: THAT'S NOT YOUR JOB! I'M THE MANAGER AND ALL. OF. THOSE. THINGS. ARE. MY JOB! NOT YOURS!
Dev: ...I know.14 -
User: *Clicks on staging environment*
Giant Warning Dialog: YOU ARE CURRENTLY ENTERING THE STAGING ENVIRONMENT
Users: Ok
App: *Completely different colour, I’m talking bright unsightly yellow*
User: Ok
Giant Yellow and Red Flashing Banner at the Top of the Screen: WARNING YOU ARE CURRENTLY USING STAGING, THIS AREA IS FOR TESTING ONLY
User: The production environment sure is acting strange today. It’s a weird colour and I don’t recognize any of the data, it’s all just dummy filler data. I better create a ticket for the dev team to check o—….. no wait I’ll send an email CC everyone including the CEO and sound the alarm production is currently down and filled with giant warning messages.
Manager: OH MY GOD PRODUCTION IS DOWN DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS??? WHAT THE FUCK COULD THESE WARNING MESSAGES BE THAT’S ONLY SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN ON STAGING! THE CEO IS BREATHING DOWN MY NECK YOU NEED TO GET THIS FIXED IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!
Dev: …12 -
Manager: Feature C doesn’t work
Dev: We never built feature C
Manager: Nonsense, I remember feature C clearly!
Dev: It’s still in the backlog
Manager: But we had many meetings about it
Dev: Never got put on the board
Manager: Feature C is very important!
Dev: It was never assigned to anyone
Manager: What could possibly be more important than Feature C?
Dev: All the other features you placed on the board and assigned up until now
Manager: Well I need Feature C done asap! It should be top priority!
Dev: Ok then next sprint add feature C to the board and assign it to someone
*Next planning session manager leaves feature C in backlog in favour of other tickets*
*2 days later*
Manager: What is the status of feature C?
Dev: You opted to leave it in the backlog
Manager: BUT IT SHOULD BE TOP PRIORITY!
Dev: …9 -
Manager: Why did you clear the data from the database? The client is now specifically requesting it and we don’t have it anymore!
Dev: You told me to.
Manager: Well why did you listen? It’s obvious now that that data was very important and should have been kept!
Dev: Last time you told me to do something that wasn’t a good idea I tried to explain why and told me not to question you ever again and that doing so was “disrespectful” and then threatened to have me fired. So now I just go along with what you say and let you suffer the consequences of not listening.
Manager: Well don’t do that then! It’s obviously not working very well! It’s ok to disagree with me you just have to make sure that what you think is something I agree with!
Dev: …10 -
Manager: Have you fixed the problem?
Dev: What’s the problem?
Manager: We’re not here to discuss problems we’re here to discuss solutions!
Dev: …11 -
Dev: *Recieves email from manager with several typos/grammar mistakes asking to open attachment with strange name and click on tinyurl style link*
Dev: *Flags as phishing*
Manager: Hey how come you didn’t action my email?
Dev: That was actually from you?
Manager: Yes.
Dev: …3 -
Dev: Hey our current server is starting to chug a bit. Can I get approved for $1200 additional spend to double the speed?
Manager: *Sharp inhale*. We need this project to cost as little as possible, we really can’t justify spending any additional money for any reason right now.
*2 days later*
Manager: YOU ARE APPROVED FOR $100,000 TO IMMEDIATELY IMPLEMENT SOMETHING RELATED TO NFTs IN ANY OF OUR APPS. THE BUSINESS NEEDS TO EXPAND INTO THE METAVERSE ASAP IMMEDIATELY. I NEED AN ETA BY EOD AS TO WHEN THIS CAN BE ROLLED OUT.
Dev: …16 -
Dev: Ok issue fixed, you just need to log out and back in again on your end to receive the fix
User: It’s still not working
Dev: Did you log out and in again?
User: No why would I want to do that?
Dev: It’ll reset your locally saved login information which is causing the issue
User: I thought you said the issue was fixed?
Dev: On our end yes, we just need you to reset your end in order to receive the fixed version
User: Look I have been dealing with this issue for 6 months. Fixing bugs are your responsibility. I have too much to do, you have to get this fixed. *click*.
Dev: Yeah you submitted the bug ticket yesterday night though
Email from users manager later that day: <User> is saying you are refusing to fix this bug. This is unacceptable. Fix it or else I will escalate this. Also there are other bugs we noticed today too, fixing them is absolutely critical!
Dev: …
Dev: What other bugs did you notice?
*no response for 2 weeks and then:
User: Hey you can close this ticket, the issue seems to have resolved itself.
Dev: ….muppet.16 -
Manager: So great news, we will also be building a new app this year!!
Dev: We only have 2 devs and we already struggling to maintain/build our current portfolio of applications. I don’t think we have the resources to support another.
Manager: Nonsense, this is a very small project management app that was requested by the CEO himself!
Dev: …We already have MS project, why can’t they just use that?
Manager: The executive team isn’t interested in learning MS Project, it’s way too complicated. They want us to build an internal version of MS Project one feature at a time so they can pick it up over time instead of getting overwhelmed with learning MS Project all at once. It also needs to have loads of customizable automation features so leadership doesn’t ever have to get “in the weeds” having to work with it. It needs to basically run itself!
Dev: …What about this is small?
Manager: Well that is the requirement.
Dev: …16 -
Manager: *taps dev on shoulder* We need to do B
Dev: I know, you created a ticket for it yesterday
Manager: Yeah but it hasn’t been done yet. It needs to get done.
Dev: I’m currently working on A which is higher priority
Manager: Ok but B needs to be done too
Dev: I know, it’s next on my board
Manager: I’m just making sure you are aware of it
Dev: I am aware of it, it’s next on the board
Manager: Ok but make sure you do it after A
Dev: Yup it’s next up
Manager: Ok, don’t let anyone distract you
Dev: …9 -
Interviewer: For this next code challenge you will not be allowed to use the internet, or an IDE.
Dev: …
Interviewer: OR a keyboard OR a mouse. I will be verbalizing the code to you and you need to memorize it and tell me where the bugs are.
Dev: …
Interviewer: We must do this exercise to know how you are as a dev without any performance enhancing “aid”. This way we can understand where you are truly at skill-wise, and what you are truly worth from a compensation perspective.
Dev: …
Dev: If I get a job with you will I be allowed to use the internet and an IDE and a keyboard/mouse?
Interview: Of course you would! Getting anything done without those is just about impossible. We just need to evaluate you without them to see how good you REALLY are.
Dev: …19 -
Mon: Ticket A is now low priority, Ticket B is top priority
Tues: Ticket B is now low priority, Ticket C is top priority
Wed: Ticket C is now low priority, Ticket D is top priority
Thurs: Ticket D is now low priority, Ticket E is top priority
Manager (Fri): You haven’t completed a ticket all week! What gives??
Manager (Following Mon): Tickets A, B, C, D AND E ARE TOP PRIORITY!!!!!
Dev: …11 -
Dev: I think we should send Dev2 for some training and certification
Manager: We do not train people or have them certified. When you train people and especially if you have them certified they always leave the company for better offers so we no longer do that.
Dev: So the plan is to have a the company operated by a bunch of untrained uncertified people?
Manager: 😡 You are being disrespectful again20 -
Dev submitting PR: “Testing instructions: Self explanatory”
Dev reviewing PR: You need to be a bit more verbose than that.
Dev submitting PR: “Testing instruction: Feature should work as expected”
Dev reviewing PR: *sigh*… Feature doesn’t work as expected
Dev submitting PR: WHAT IS NOT WORKING AS EXPECTED??? I NEED MORE DETAIL THAN THAT!!
Dev reviewing PR: …….So do I you muppet5 -
Interviewer: Do you know what Kubernetes is?
Dev: Yeah, that’s the greek god of spending money in the cloud.
Interviewer: Actually Kubernetes is an orchestration tool. Have you not been on a project that uses it yet?
Dev: …9 -
Just got this little stinker added to my board this morning….
Ticket Title: Weird shit going on in app
Ticket Description: (blank)
Attachment: <Screenshot of app logo>
Manager: Well what do you think is causing it?
Dev: Causing what?? This ticket doesn’t describe anything at all
Manager: Well it’s a bunch of different things! The ticket is just a high level summary. Now how long do you think it’ll take to fix?
Dev: …16 -
User: There’s a bug in the app
Dev: How do I reproduce it?
User: I don’t want it reproduced, I want it fixed!
Dev: …7 -
Management: This project isn’t moving along fast enough, you know what we need?
Dev: An additional dev?
Management: No! An additional manager! We’ll have a meeting about it later today.
Dev: …7 -
*While I was working from home this occurred*
New Accountant: How come Dev gets the nicest chair in the office?
IT: He brings his own chair because he doesn’t like the ones we have here.
New Accountant: How come I don’t get a nice chair?
IT: If you want a nicer chair either ask your department manager to buy one or if that doesn’t work you’re welcome to bring in your own
New Accountant: I shouldn’t have to bring in my chair from home! I want a nice chair like Dev has but I don’t want to spend the money to buy one as nice as his and my department manager said we don’t have the budget to buy one either!
IT: He buys them from a used office warehouse for pretty cheap actually, cheaper than what the company pays annually to rent these chairs from what I’ve heard. He has 3 more at home. You should ask him where he gets them from.
New Accountant: He should give me his chair! He mostly works remote anyway!
*This resulted in my being asked to come into the office to remove my chair because it was “upsetting people” in the office*18 -
*finally upgrades my personal website from a plain html link collection*
*sends it to dev friends' telegram group*
*receives negative reviews for the color palette*
I... I tend to forget that im colorblind5 -
Manager (via phone): You need to setup the CEO with access to the app IMMEDIATELY
Dev: Ok…What’s the occasion?
Manager: There is a big important meeting right now where we go over our achievements for the year and my plan was to have him log in and play around.
Dev: Likely would have been worth mentioning at this mornings standup.
Manager: Don’t be a smart ass. In fact, if you were actually smart you would have given him an account in the first place! So you’re just an ass then, what kind of idiot doesn’t give the CEO an account to an app like this?
Dev: Actually you specifically asked for him to be removed when I added him. “Unnecessary Optics” you said.
Manager: THAT’S BULLSHIT, I NEVER SAID THAT!!
Dev: It’s in our meeting minutes from 2 years ago.
Manager: STOP WRITING THE THINGS I SAY DOWN IT’S COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY.
Dev: I’ll make a note of that request
Manager: YOU ABSOL—ok looks like he’s waving me back in the room now the account must be working now bye. *click*.
Dev: Moron.9 -
All data collection things should take an example of Debian:
Setting the (anonymous) data collection consent to 'no' by fucking default.7 -
Manager: I’m so sick and tired of you devs whining about technical debt and how it’s slowing down our progress, so here’s the deal. You have until the end of this week to eliminate all technical debt in the codebase. After that I NEVER WANT TO HEAR YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT TECHNICAL DEBT EVER AGAIN!!!
Dev: …14 -
Interviewer: Hello I’m calling for your phone interview now
Dev: You’re about an hour early calling but I can accommodate
Interviewer: Well it’s more convenient for me to do it now
Dev: …Alrighty then.
Interviewer: So I am from HR 😇*pause for effect*
Dev: …
Interviewer: Um, typically candidates start the interview by thanking me for consideration for this role.
Dev: Your job description was very vague so I don’t really know what I would be thanking you for.
Interviewer: 😡. It’s me that’ll be determining whether or not to pass you on to The Management.
Dev: …The Management?
Interviewer: Yes 🤗.
Dev: I’m no longer interested *click*.12 -
Dev: What do you think of the new version of the app?
Client: It’s great! We just have a couple notes of feedback we are working on compiling. We should have those to you by next week.
*Next week*
Client: We need another week to compile all of this feed back we are generating
*Another week goes by*
Client: Still working on it, it’s going to be a really thorough review when you get it though. No stone will be left unturned!
*2 weeks later*
Client: Here it is!
Attached: A word document with a single line of text “can’t nobody log in” next to a picture of the login screen with a red circle drawn around the login button
Client: Can you hurry up and action our feedback? We want to go live next week
Dev: …9 -
Here skiddie skiddie... a collection of obviously fake "hacking tools" that bait skids into doxing themselves.28
-
Manager: What’s taking so long on that PR?? It’s just some small styling adjustments
Dev: No it’s not you added an entire new calendar module that doesn’t work
Manager: Ok but besides that it’s just a small couple of css edits
Dev: You made styling changes in 50 files, half of which break our mobile responsiveness
Manager: Well then STOP talking to me and FIX IT if you’re so smart.
Dev: You also added a series of filters on a table in this same PR that cause th—
Manager: OK SO I GOT A BIT DISTRACTED THE FACT IS IT ALL NEEDS TO GET DONE SO IT DOESN’T MATTER IF IT’S ALL ON ONE PR SPLITTING THINGS UP INTO SMALL UPDATES IS JUST UNNECESSARY BUREAUCRACY AND IF YOU LIKE THAT THEN GO. WORK. FOR. THE GOVERNMENT!!!
Dev: …10 -
Manager: We do not identify as a tech company so don’t expect tech company salary increases this year
Dev: Well don’t expect me to bring a tech work ethic then
Manager: !!5 -
Client: We need to add a field to the model that serves as a unique identifier
Dev: You already have one, it’s the _id property
Client: We want another! This one is for a task number so we can make a connection between the database record and our ERP.
Dev: Ah I see. I can add that for you. Is this truly a unique identifier or will you be using the same ERP identifier for multiple database records?
Client: I already said it’s a unique identifier. One ERP record to one database record, end of story! To do otherwise would be absolutely ridiculous! You should think for yourself before you ask silly questions.
Dev: My apologies I just want to make sure to clarify exactly what the requirements are.
**6 months later**
Client: HOW COME I CAN’T ASSIGN THE SAME UNIQUE IDENTIFIER TO MULTIPLE DATABASE RECORDS??? CAN’T PROGRAMMERS GET ANYTHING RIGHT EVER??
Dev: …14 -
Manager: Hey how come you left so many comments on my PR?
Dev: Well you’ve just recently learned how to code so there’s going to be a lot of things to learn beyond what you’ve picked up in your online coding tutorials. Don’t worry it’s only minor things like you put everything all in one function, left outdated comments in the code, have if statements 4 levels deep, have a console.log after every line of code some of which log .env variables, skipped error handling, cast to “any” a bunch instead of using more specific types, didn’t write any tests and some unrelated tests are now failing due to a circular dependancy.
Manager: THAT IS SO DISRESPECTFUL!!APPROVE MY PR IMMEDIATELY. IT WASN’T EVEN EASY FOR ME TO CREATE THE PR, NOW I HAVE TO MAKE AN UPDATE!? YOU’RE THE DEV, YOU SHOULD FIX IT NOT ME!! NEVER COMMENT ON ANY OF MY PRS AGAIN.9 -
Job Ad: You will report to leadership stakeholders on key progress initiatives and collaborate on business value add action objectives.
Translation: Have boss. Do task.3 -
*In teams meeting with client*
Manager: Yes we can do all of that and it will be actioned very quickly. We will make all of these feature requests top priority. We will set aside everything we are currently working on in order to get this done!
Dev: ...Are you writing any of this down?
Manager: I don't need to, I always remember everything!
Dev: Just so you are aware, I'm not writing anything down. You're going to need to create a ticket with requirements spelled out for each one of these promises you're making otherwise they won't get actioned by the team.
Manager: I know that!
Dev: ...
*Later that day*
Ticket Title: Action client feature requests TOP PRIORITY!!!
Ticket Description: *empty*
Dev: ...12 -
Manager: You can’t define an async function without using await.
Dev: Yes you can.
Manager: Well you shouldn’t, there’s no point!
Dev: Yes there is. It can turn blocking synchronous logic into work performed concurrently. In this case the perform—
Manager: It’s called async *await*. Async *AWAIT*! Did you hear the two parts to that? You shouldn’t ever have one without the other. THEY GO TOGETHER. Worrying about concurrency is for people who use callbacks which just goes to show how out of date your skills are. I’m reading a book on javascript and there are so many advanced techniques out there that I haven’t even seen you use ONCE!
Dev: …
*I looked at the book he’s reading, it’s from the < ES6 era… no wonder he doesn’t see me using any of those archaic patterns/hacks/workarounds…*12 -
Recruiter: So you’re in Canada?
Dev: One sec let me check
*Points webcam out window at ongoing blizzard*
Dev: Yup, that looks like Canada to me
Recruiter: Ok I am just confirming
Dev: Me too7 -
Dev: * In the middle of pushing to prod *
Manager: Hey btw I forgot to mention the client asked for these 5 features awhile back as a part of this update and they just reminded me about them, I haven’t created tickets yet or told anyone about this. Will these features be included in the update that’s going out today?
Dev: …9 -
I just implemented parallelism in one of my major data collection tools for work, and cut the tool's run duration by 90%. That seems like as good a time as any to go to sleep.2
-
Dev: I'm going to a engineering and robotics seminar this weekend
Manager: Stupid. Waste of time.
Dev: I also got invited to go to a 2 day tech and innovation conference
Manager: Another a stupid waste of time.
Dev: The CEO's son invited me and is paying for it, he said he thought it would be interesting to me.
Manager: ...Well as long as it's not on company time
Dev: It is on company time, I won't have time for tickets
Manager: WHAT!? YOU HAVE TO SAY NO, WE ARE BUSY!! WE CAN'T NOT HAVE YOU FOR 2 DAYS.
Dev: Duely noted you said that and you think the whole idea is stupid. Take it up with him I already RSVP'd yes.
Manager: 😡😡😡😡😡😡7 -
Senior Manager: I have to use your app today, how do I do that?
Dev: Well first you log in, and then you clic—
Senior Manager: That’s way too low level, I only deal with things on high level! Explain it to me from a high level.
Dev: Use the app to orchestrate the visibility of action items to stakeholders and pivot the leverage towards buy-in.
Senior Manager: Hmmmm….
Dev: Agile.
Senior Manager: Aha! I understand how to use the app perfectly now!
Senior Manager’s Account: Last Login - Never.3 -
Every 2 months without fail:
Manager: I don’t understand what the point of writing tests is. They only ever pass and when they fail we just fix them so they pass again! It’s completely redundant!!! An exercise in absolute futility!
Dev: …19 -
Manager: As you all know I called this meeting to discuss what we will do with all of the extra resources if we are done early. I was thinking a start a new ap—
Dev: We are not going to be done early. There are two weeks left and we are way behind schedule.
Manager: Don’t be so pessimistic! You never know when or how fast tickets will be completed.
Dev: Yes I do…I’m the one doing them4 -
Interviewer: I don't understand. With a resume and portfolio like yours you shouldn't be applying to companies like us. You should be setting your sights on companies like Google/Meta. You'd be bored here after everything you've done so far. I know we're offering more money than your current position but you're worth more believe me. I'm going to keep looking, and so should you. But you need to aim higher.
Dev: ...
Well fuck me I guess?18 -
Manager: Absolutely everything must be done with libraries, vanilla JS solutions are absolutely prohibited!
Manager: Why is our app so slow to load? Is there a library we can install to speed the loading up?7 -
HR: Hey you really need to be more sensitive with what you say
Dev: What makes you bring this up?
HR: Well we had a concerned employee overhear you telling one of the interns that the Russian word for “approved” is “blyat”.
Dev: Ah.18 -
+1 if you think devRant needs a favorite button on each rant so you can create a collection of top rants 😊8
-
My morning motivation on the wall next to my desk.... Have an ever growing collection of Oatmeal art now....
7 -
Manager: I’m getting a strange error now….it says CORS? Any idea what that means?
Dev: Ezpz, just a matter of how many goats to sacrifice and incantations to recite
Manager: Are you serio—
Dev: Bring me my debugging pentagram7 -
Manager: IT and I have decided that you will not be doing any rewriting of the legacy code. We paid a lot of money for it and throwing it away would be impossible. Instead you will create a “config file” that will customize the legacy code behaviour to whatever spec we need. IT said this would be possible and would be a very simple way of operating everything going forward. That way no future code needs to be written or maintained, it’s just a matter of changing this “config file” to match our needs.
Dev: Nobody in IT codes though.
Manager: Yes but they work with config files all the time. If you need to be shown how they work just ask them.
Dev: I know how they work it ju—
Manager: Good!! So that should speed things up quite a bit. See this is why developers need managers.18 -
Manager: In order to increase business resiliency we will be doing cross training this week.
Dev: What does that involve?
Manager: Everyone will do everyone else’s job for one day each. After this you will all be considered trained so that if anyone can easily fill in for anyone else.
Dev: …7 -
Interviewer: Hello my name is Alyssa from Sheeple and my pronouns are she/her
Dev: Oh yeah I saw that in your email
Interviewer: Ok well I am just letting you know they are still the same
Dev: Thanks for that.
Interviewer: What are your pronouns?
Dev: div/span
Interviewer: Sorry?
Dev: he/him
Interviewer: Oh…ok. Let me know if that changes.
Dev: I promise you it won’t
Interviewer: Well you never know!
Dev: …45 -
Interviewer: We keep having devs take off for other opportunities after a short period of time. We need someone loyal who will be sticking around for the long haul. Oh wait, you only have one dev company you’ve worked for on your resume? Yeah that’s not good, we only hire devs who have worked for lots and lots of companies.
Dev: …7 -
Manager: I NEVER SAID THAT!!
Dev: *Brings up email where he said exactly that*
Manager: I DON’T REMEMBER ASSIGNING YOU A TICKET TO LOOK THAT UP. GET BACK TO WORK!!
Dev: …3 -
Let's take bets on the root cause of the S3 outage!
I'm guessing a bad deploy of a sever-side Java application with a garbage collection problem.5 -
Manager: In ALL cases if someone uses vanilla javascript to do something instead of a library then that is a sign they are an ABSOLUTE BEGINNER!!!
Dev: …8 -
Manager: I like nested ifs
Dev: They can be difficult to maintain
Manager: No they aren’t I write them all the time!
Dev: Have you ever maintained one?
Manager: No, I don’t do code maintenance. I don’t have time for it.5 -
Dev: We need a better name than “Data” for this class. It’s used for displaying a set of tiles with certain coordinates so maybe TileMap would be a bit more declarative?
Manager: No I don’t like that. Data is perfectly fine, this class is for managing data so it’s perfectly declarative you just need to get better at reading code. If you have to change it then DataObject or DataObjectClass might be a bit more specific.
Dev: …14 -
Manager: We are now using libraries for everything. I estimate based on nothing that this will increase productivity x20.
*Project grinds to a halt while devs scramble to learn/implement new library*
General Manager: Where was the productivity increase?
Manager: Our devs are not willing to learn new things quickly4 -
Manager: Hey Dev I need to do QA on this PR.
Dev: That PR is not finished yet
Manager: Well do QA now anyway, that way when it is finished it can be merged in right away since QA has already been done on it. It’s a project management technique called “fast-tracking” and it improves efficiency.
Dev: …9 -
“Competitive pay”
Translation: We are so embarrassed about how fucking little we are offering we can’t even bare to say it out loud. Maybe after 7 rounds of interviews when we feel a little more like friends we’ll be willing to let you know but only if you promise not to tell anyone.
—-
I’ve noticed literally every company with *actually* competitive pay will tell you RIGHT OFF THE BAT what that range is because they are PROUD OF IT.
Anyone who doesn’t? Well you fill in the blanks.9 -
Manager: I don’t understand! How come you take twice as long to do tickets as anyone else but your PRs are stuck in QA for half the time as anyone else??
Dev: …7 -
Interviewer: Here is the interview challenge. Tell me what the expected output is. You have 5 minutes.
** 100 line class with 4 async methods that contain if/thens nested 4 layers deep that call each other and log things to the console
Dev: Ok wow this is a bit of a maze to work through but I’ll try my best.
** 1 minute later of reading through the code
Interviewer: One minute has elapsed. There is now 4 minutes remaining.
Dev: Actually could you please not interject with time updates like that while I’m reading code? It makes the challenge harder than necessary. Just letting me know when the time is up would be fine.
Interviewer: Ok.
** ~2 minutes later trying to comb through this spaghetti mess
Interviewer: What do you think are you getting close to figuring it out?
Dev: …5 -
Company: We were able to save a couple of dollars by purchasing an entire fleet of ipads instead of iphones through our supplier!
Dev: Our users walk around an industrial facility carrying things all day, how will they carry these devices now that they no longer fit in their pockets.
Company: We can get them backpacks!
Dev: …
Dev: did you at least buy protective cases for them?
Company: We have to save money! Don’t worry we told the users not to drop them. Plus none of the old iphones were ever broken so this is a non-issue.
Dev: The iPhones are in cases, they drop them quite a bit.
Company: Oh, well they shouldn’t be doing that!
** They proceeded to buy the cheapest knockoff cases I’ve ever seen. At least one ipad is smashed a week now, backpacks aren’t used because of lack on convenience. All this in the name of seeming to shave off a couple bucks for a one time purchase that didn’t even need to be made, iphones were working perfectly fine. Meanwhile there are glaring issues at the company getting ignored because they get themselves continually distracted by unhelpful pet projects that address things that are not broken and often make them worse.8 -
Manager: We should do X with the database
Dev: That will cause issue Y
Manager: But I read an article that said that issue Y wasn’t a problem
Dev: It did?
Manager: Well it didn’t mention issue Y
Dev: …2 -
Manager: We will be building a new app. THIS TIME EVERYTHING MUST BE ABSOLUTELY PERFECT, ANYTHING LESS THAN TOP QUALITY WORK WILL BE REJECTED!!
*Not even 2 days into the new project*
Manager: Ok that’s good enough, we can fix it later. Can you go quicker on the next feature? Just sacrifice a bit of quality so we get these tickets closed as fast as possible. I said we can fix it later. Getting tickets closed asap is top priority.
Dev: …2 -
Reddit: Every developer eventually either goes insane or becomes a farmer.
Dev: …I hope I become a farmer17 -
Manager: That last dev you hired is working out well. Where did you get him from?
Dev: *Looking at new hire’s resume which only contains a single bootcamp and nothing else*
Dev: He’s a rescue.10 -
Interviewer: Time limit for this exercise was an hour and you took 2 hours so you fail. Best of luck next time
Dev: Look I really don’t think your assessment has a very fair time limit. The only way you could do this in an hour is by knowing what the problem was beforehand and having all these niche utilities written ahead of time.
Interview: Oh yeah we had one guy that did that, he did the entire thing in only 45 minutes! We hired him immediately!
Dev: …5 -
I have reached the point where my main project with my arduino collection is building a sex robot and i dont even feel the least bit ashamed about it.10
-
Manager: I don’t understand what is so complicated about this feature. Under a certain set of conditions do one thing, under a separate set of conditions do another. It’s just an if else statement! Those take seconds to write!
Dev: The problem is the memory required to calculate the conditions is quite cumbersome
Manager: Well then find a faster way! It’s just an if else!
Dev: …10 -
If java had real garbage collection then most programs would delete themself immediately upon running.2
-
Manager: *taps dev on shoulder* Hey I noticed a minor bug I think
Dev: Sigh…. So then create a ticket for it
Manager: Can’t you just fix it right now?
Dev: I can but I’m currently working on that other issue you told everyone was “top priority” at the morning status meeting. Should I switch to actioning this minor bug instead?
Manager: Don’t switch just multitask and work faster!
Dev: …8 -
Put this in your build script for compile-time garbage collection:
find / -name "*.java" -type f -delete5 -
Dev: (Watches user print out screenshot of maintenance app to do list, walk across facility to printer. walk across facility to equipment and check things off on paper, then walk across facility back to their terminal and copy the findings over.)
Dev: We made the app responsive so they could do that on a mobile device. Why are they printing?
Manager: Printers are cheaper than getting more tablets.
Dev: …
Dev: Can we at least get a printer at each terminal so they don’t waste so much time walking across the facility?
Manager: That’s too many printers to maintain. It’s easier to just have one.
Dev: …8 -
HR: I’m sure you know what this meeting is about
Dev: My script that converts the name of our 3rd party IT provider in any email thread I reply to with “PooPoo Inc.”?
HR: No, that is a separate meeting
Dev: Ah.4 -
???: Salesforce is simply the best. You can do anything you can dream of with it. It can solve all of your pro—
Dev: Sir, this is a Wendy’s.11 -
User: The app is crashing! Fix this immediately. We can’t do our jobs without it!!
Dev: Patch applied, can you confirm it is now working on your end?
User: EXCUSE ME?! THAT IS NOT OUR RESPONSIBILITY! WE ARE WAY TOO BUSY, ASK SOME OTHER DEPARTMENT TO DO THAT OR DO IT YOURSELF!
Dev: …5 -
Recruiter: Hello I’m recruiting for an exciting opportunity at a rapidly growing company with loads of potential
Dev: *Looks up company on google*
Dev: Their stock has been declining for the past 2 years. 3 months ago their valuation just dropped by 80%…. How are they growing?
Recruiter: Oh that happened to every company at the end of 2021.
Dev: …I guarantee you it did not.
Recruiter: …
Dev: …6 -
Ah the day before launch of a new app. And right on schedule the businesses is attempting to completely alter their requirements including a COMPLETE OVERHAUL OF THE DATABASE MODEL TO ADDRESS AN ISSUE THAT HAS ALREADY BEEN FIXED. I wish they would share the drugs they are clearly on so I could also live in this dreamland delusion where you can turn something completely on its head right on the finish line and expect everything to go well.
Manager: Hey I think I have a solution to that performance we talked about last week
Dev: I already fixed it, it only takes 1 second instead of 30 now.
Manager: Ok but I’ve also figured out a solution. If we completely change the entire database model that one query could potentially be even faster according to my understanding of how databases operate.
Dev: I fixed it without the need for that, actually it was just a matter of better conc—
Manager: I think we should go with MY solution. Drop everything and restructure the database immediately! Be quick, as you know we launch this application tomorrow! Have an extra coffee today and just crush it out, don’t overthink this either just do it.
Dev: …10 -
!Rant: The collection is complete! Stress balls and stickers all the way here in Trinidad and Tobago. Thanks @dfox and co.
2 -
Dev: You’ll want to store money values such as $2001.01 as 200121 when using javascript.
Manager: Why? That’s stupid.
Dev: Javascript doesn’t behave with decimals the way you think. It’ll show up as $2001.01000001 when you least expect it
Manager: Well I’ve never had that issue before! Besides that’s only a fraction of a cent off, that won’t even matter!
Dev: … literally the plot of office space but ok21 -
My Proudest creation of all time up till now,
i created a wpf control that binds to any Enum value and displays either a combo box (if the enum had a single value) or a collection of checkboxes (if the enum had a flags attribute)
So happy ^^
4 -
Dev: I need you to do X
IT: Ok we will do Y
Dev: I don’t want Y I want X
IT: Well you’ll need to go through the change request process then since you have just modified your requirements.
Dev: …6 -
Top: Mine, Bottom: My boyfriend's
We thought it's about time to post a pic of our devRant swag and current laptop sticker collection!
2 -
Dev2: Do you get 49 errors in the console when you try to compile?
Dev1: (Getting 52 errors) No. Must be an issue with your machine.2 -
Client: Too many of our business processes take place on excel and paper! We need to modernize our business processes. Build an app that can do the main things we do with excel and paper in app form.
Dev (4 months later): Here it is
Client: Ok some of our users want to still use excel and paper so build the ability to print the app and export/import to excel so they can continue working the way they always have alongside our new app.
Dev: …6 -
Dev: Ok refactor this following block of code to make it more readable/maintainable while still ensuring the tests pass
*** Block is an absolute mess of nested ternaries, poorly named functions, single letter variables and outdated comments. An underhand pitch if there ever was one ***
Interview Candidate: Why would you refactor code if the tests are already passing?
Dev: …… NEXT.6 -
I would like to share my gum collection at work. I like chewing something. I bought all of these though. We dont have free food in our work.
19 -
Manager: This dropdown is hard to use on mobile
Dev: I thought building this for mobile wasn’t in the scope?
Manager: I changed my mind. It’s a lot easier for me to test on mobile so just rework it so it works on mobile. But only for testing.
Dev: How about I make the dropdown a rotary dial instead?
Manager: Good idea!
Dev: …9 -
Manager: We need to fix this QA backlog. I’m going to share the workload of doing QA.
Dev: Please don—
*Dev email notification getting spammed with approvals*
Dev: …Are you even pulling the code down to test it locally?
Manager: There’s no time for that! We have to get this PR backlog pushed through! I’m just looking at the code to see if it looks good and approving based on that.
*Later that day*
Manager: HEY NONE OF THE FEATURES ON STAGING MEET THE REQUIREMENTS AT ALL. THIS IS A BUGGY MESS, WHAT HAPPENED GUYS??
Dev: …6 -
Manager: Explain “Kooburrnehteez” to me.
Dev: Well when a mommy server and a daddy server love each other very much…2 -
Saw this on HN recently and thought I'd share it here:
https://github.com/viraptor/...
It is a large collection of interview questions aimed at the company, to help you spot red flags or find things you'd like to have. Hope it's useful for you guys2 -
A new breach has just been confirmed about 10 minutes ago. CHECK YOUR EMAILS AND PASSWORDS!!!
Details at: https://troyhunt.com/the-773-millio...
CHECK YOUR EMAILS AND PASSWORDS AT haveibeenpwned.com TO CHECK FOR WHETHER YOU WERE COMPROMISED.9 -
Managers when a project is going off the rails:
*crickets*
Managers when something is successfully on track:
THIS NEEDS A ROADMAP, WHERE IS THE CORPORATE GOVERNANCE, WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS, I DIDN’T APPROVE THIS ACTIVITY.2 -
WHAT THE FUCK?
CMAKE you pathetic collection of loosely bundled scripts written in a shitty macro language!
WHY? WHY? WHY?
WHY DO YOU REFUSE TO OUT OF SOURCE BUILD?
IT WORKED FINE LIKE 2 SECONDS AGO! I HATE YOU WITH THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND STARS!2 -
Day 2 of my non tech manager reviewing PRs in order to “speed up QA” he’s taken to commenting on every PR with. “I don’t understand how this code works, we need to setup a meeting for you to explain it to me”. Amazing.6
-
Got a mail from Germany, It had a stamp of Bread that looks soo cool. Thinking of starting a stamp collection now.
6 -
Felt like a badass when I figured out a way to get my massive wallpaper collection onto my company provided laptop which was completely and I mean COMPLETELY locked down.
I couldn't bear the thought of using the default Windows wallpapers 😂3 -
My small collection
2 DD 8" floppy disks
2 MD 2-D 5" 1/4 floppy disks
2 HD 3" 1/2 floppy disks
1 Jaz disk
1 unassembled 3" 1/2 floppy disk
1 PalmOne sticker to learn the letters of Graffiti 2 (I had a M100, but I do not anything related to it anymore.)
5 -
!rant
I made internet radio player with raspberry pi. It uses IR remote controler and also play music from my collection. Pi is really usefull device. So happy.2 -
Cheap computer, Broken AC, Fresh coat of off-white/grey paint, Torn chair with ciggy burns in it, non-adjustable cubicle desk that is wayyyy too high, people from unrelated departments popping by every 15mins to give me an update I didn’t ask for on their inconsequential lives or their opinion on whatever the fuck is the biggest trending hashtag right now.
May I never go back into the office again.
#thoughtsandprayers4 -
Using mongodb for one product
A colleague as experimenting with elastic search (I think it was).
It installed a proxy around the collection to get all events for the external search storage.
Worked well, but it was just a test so once done we removed it
But thats where it got scary.
When we removed the proxy through the search dashboard it dropped the underlying collection of live data!!!
A collection it did not create.
Hows that for bad UI.
Always experiment on a separate db server. -
People that say they want things ASAP. But really mean "no rush, whenever you get to it". Can go fuck themselves.3
-
Oh sweet mother of god.
What is the NBN Connection i have attached to my router?
It goes "give me all your data... NOW"
I'm not used to such speed in my house, excuse me while I watch my porn collection in 4K!5 -
I need to expand my CS related book collection, it's too small
I have lots of ebooks but I don't like reading them much ... real books are just better
Any must-reads I should add to it?
17 -
!Rant
Finally my quest is complete! I have joined the sticker club!
Vote now! What's your favorite devRant sticker?
Use ++ to vote for ':/ devRant';
Use ++ to vote for ':/ bubble';
Use ++ to vote for 'new Rant("fml")';
In all seriousness though, what's your favorite sticker in your collection?
Anyone care to show off their collection?
Share in the comments.
3 -
Company Motto: “Business is simple, hire amazing people and let then do their thing”
Company Culture: You can’t do that!! It’s really hard and expensive to hire people with those skills! How would we replace you or save money by continuing to not give you a raise if you did that!?1 -
I like to paint miniatures. So I keep a small collection of what I've done sitting on my desk. I also keep drawing stuff beside me too in case I feel like doodling.
4 -
1) Helping my girlfriend getting her graduation.
2) Maxing out my Cassette collection
3) Repairing my Gameboy
4) Growing my plants, especially my Carolina Reaper chili
5) Visiting my friends across the country
6) Lots of things that might or might not be illegal but fun5 -
How to psych-out a machine learning algorithm:
> Use a platform for 10 years
> Never like, comment, or give it any inkling of your preferences
> Like one random video
> Never log in again9 -
Finally, it's working..
A new device added to my Collection.
Welcome Echo Dot !!!!!
Long list of skills planning to implement..
6 -
This comic strip is a rerun and was published first time in 2008, when internet data collection was starting to get attention. And where are we today, eleven years later...?
http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoon...
1 -
Trying to reserve a tour guide at Auschwitz in Birkenau. Google captcha wants me to prove I'm not a roboot. Pops up a collection of images where I should select only those with a TRAIN station..
well played google.3 -
LOVE how these companies are keep publishing their "AI models" without verifying or explaining their architecture, their data collection process, and any validation scores.
Like, I am to just take your word for it working "better" because of a study done by the school of PSYCHED(🤪)?8 -
Saw a reddit thread earlier asking about the most unsettling shit that people have found out Google has on them by downloading their data. I saw a bunch of comments about people finding voice recordings that Google had taken. After reading these, I was wondering what I could find from downloading my data. Decided to download my data, and on the page for it I saw that apparently I had disabled location history, audio activity, and device information.
Knowing companies like Google, I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't stop recording that stuff, just that they're not providing it to me. There were zero voice recordings, but there was location history up until about the beginning of 2017.
Another thing they have is all the pictures from all of my hangouts chats. Apparently there had a good amount of older pictures of myself in there. Going back to probably 2-3 years ago, when I had my emo hair. Just a bit of a throwback. One picture I saw was from last January, when my hair was reaching my chest. Made me really miss my hair.
Other than that, nothing that interesting. Just something I thought I'd share.9 -
Blockstack; developers who are using blockchain technology to reconfigure the web. It’ll make NSA mass data collection impossible.
https://youtube.com/watch/...
Beat that @theNSA
4 -
So our scrum team just bought a collection of nerf guns. We were able to repel quite some disturbances from outside the team.1
-
Some time ago I was working in a freelance gig. I was the backend developer and the front end guy and I had some differences in our postman collections, so I asked him to email me his exported json collection.
When he emailed me, it was really funny to see his signature, which included all the courses he had and his degrees and whatnot.
like dude, "I didn't wanted your CV, I just wanted the collection"
PS: I hope you get the idea from the image, even if it is in spanish
7 -
Stupid fucking communities normally all pieces of garbage. And no, there is no built in garbage collection, but then I find this, I POST 1 THING AND I GET GREAT RESPONES AND REALLY NICE ENGAGEMENT LIKE WTF3
-
>80 apps removed from Google Play for being adware but they were trending
Welp... let's get hunting, they'll look nice in my malware collection!2 -
Submitted a ticket to the 3rd party IT provider today. Just like they always do they close the ticket instantly saying they did the work when they didn’t do anything.
Except this time they went one step further. They documented that they had a conversation with me and that they convinced me that I didn’t need the work done.
No such conversation occurred. I have not changed my mind nor have been given any reason to. They just want their ticket times to appear as fast as possible and are willing to lie through their teeth to achieve that.
Prepare for a shit storm motherfuckers.1 -
Client: We are completely unable to plan a construction project successfully. We want you to use AI to do all of our project planning for us. Our requirements are that instead of needing to spend any money or time planning we just want to press a button and have a computer instantly put together all of our project plans for us. The program also needs to identify optimizations on it’s own and change all related plans enterprise-wide. All copies of the plans should be able to be kept up to date at all times so we’re never looking at an old plan again. We also want the ability to print.
Dev: …11 -
My gods, fuck WordPress in the backend!
Why did my company decide on writing a data collection api with many dynamic pages on top of WordPress. It's a blog, not a wonder tool you dumbwits.
Never have I had more fuck this moments per hour..2 -
If having a coffee in the morning doesn't wake you up, try deleting a collection or table in a production database instead.4
-
Told to sanitize a large collection of PowerPoints of customer data. Found one resolvable IP address and about 200 typos and other mistakes. Deleted the IP address.. mission successful!
-
Why even show the possibility to uninstall Microsoft Solitaire Collection when it just keeps on reinstalling itself?1
-
So i found this the other day and thought i would share it with you.
It's a collection of short little songs inspired by HTTP status codes.
Neat idea but is a little rough around the edges.
https://thingsinjars.bandcamp.com/a...1 -
The garbage recruiters are trying to sell is insane.
Don’t scrape the bottom of the ocean trying to pass barnacles off as salmon!
Just because someone can make computer go “beep boop” -- and you can’t — says more about you then it does about them.
Do they have a single thing in their portfolio that is even a little better than the output of the average “Learn x in y mins” video on youtube? Let that stock simmer for a little longer before you serve it!
Nothing in their portfolio at all you say? They’ve never once written code unless they were forced to? Top talent! Hired!
They scored 80% on your screening test? Wow! My dog scored 90%.
Modern day snake oil peddlers the lot of them.8 -
Why recruiters want me to fill up the Application form and I dont get any reply from them since. Is this a data collection thing?3
-
Dev: Hey this library you are mandating the use of doesn’t do one of the things you assumed it does
Non-Tech Manager: Well I think it does because I looked at it and that’s what it seemed like and the only reason you can’t figure it out is you are a bad developer and have attitude issues that’s why you are failing. You need to look on the bright side of things more often. This library has over 100k downloads which means it must do what people want it to. I think the problem is you. We can’t spend anymore time on this we have to just fix it and move on.5 -
I've been a dedicated Golang programmer for a few years now.
But lately I learned rust, and now even the thought of garbage collection makes me davastated :(1 -
The football stadium game from the 1995 "Thinkin Things Collection 3" where you choreograph players and marching bands to paint the ground.
-
Since we devs are masters of the weird - I thought: "why not make a collection of weird things?".
Incase you want to contribute - Contribute!
https://github.com/Wittmaxi/...1 -
Another plug for my collection of free games.
https://github.com/kwilliams1987/...
If you see something you like it's yours for the low, low price of a pull request. -
A platform where people can share their creations, collection of information sources about 3D printing and other CNC machines. (Alternative to Thingiverse)6
-
The crown jewel of my collection. Snow-white Mr. Kinder, wearing a pointy hat, holding balloons that say “KKK”. You can’t make this shit up.
3 -
Working with a SOAP endpoint. I know it is some .NET server due to the style of stacktrace on exceptions. Nice, a framework where I can expect some type safety granted by static types. I build some xsl to transform the SOAP wsdl files into classes and structs to interact with the endpoint. Works out perfectly.
Plottwist!
Elements which are defined in the xsd/wsdl with maxOccur=unbounded and minOccur=0 should represent a simple collection of this type. Therefore does my implementation expect a collection of this type. But no. The shipped SOAP client in my stack ignores the definition and simply deserializes the SOAP response into T and not a collection of T.
Where the duck are the types when they are defined all over the place?2 -
Not really a rant but..... Just found this while cleaning my PSP's Memory Stick collection
As a CS student this part makes me feel gud
(It's No Game No Life btw)
2 -
TL;DR: There was a Steam bug and I fixed it locally.
Some months ago, Steam had the problem, that if you tried to add anything from the Steam Workshop to a collection, you would get an error like "Process failed: 2", while it was loading the collection list.
I realized, that it would work, but there was a bug in the JS (Watched the network tab in chrome while trying to add to collection). I searched after "Process failed" in each js file and after 30 seconds I found the buggy if. It said something like
if (json.success != 2) {
//do error
} else {
//show list
}
After I changed that if condition to
if (false)...
it worked perfectly, although it would make problems if there would be a server side error.2 -
In PC World yesterday after reserving an item online for "Collection within minutes". Took about 20 mins to get there.
Went to the collection desk and gave them my reservation number. Staff member (very friendly and nice) went to go get it. Waited 10 mins for them to come back and say "I'm having trouble finding it...".
I said thanks anyway then went next door to maplin to get what I needed.
Just annoyed they promise a collection in minutes service and the item doesn't even exist in the store.
Maybe as they don't specify the minutes it's actually ready to collect in a million minutes. -
Google. Once I thought they where kind of cool. Then I woke up. Data collection and privacy issues among other things.11
-
Hey guys and girls, quick question.
Im currently writing my own collection-framework in Go.
It has a Collection-Interface, that looks like this:
Clear()
Size() int
ToSlice() []interface{}
Add(...interface{}) error
Remove(...interface{}) error
Contains(...interface{}) (bool, error)
The library should also contains stuff like stacks and queues, so datastructures, that dont fit that interface perfectly.
So should i write a weird implementation of the interface for them, like Remove for stacks (high pitched internal screaming), or should i just say fuck it, and dont implement the Collection-Interface for these specific types ?1 -
Came to devRant to Rant about react, And then rant about devRant. Is it just me or getting to ‘my rant collection page ‘seems like extra steps than needed? Other than that, i really like this app though :D1
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Doesn't Python kind of contradict its own mantra. When they write explicit is better than implicit but at the same time they provide collection literals?5
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Whaaaat? That used to be my default audio player for local music 😠. I'm not going to upload my mp3 file collection to YouTube to be able to listen to them at work...
28 -
In interviews, I tend to forget the basics while I can answer more advanced questions. For example, I can't for the life of me remember the four principles of OOP but I can talk about garbage collection in my main programming language.1
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Spring JPA might be annoying sometimes...
public MyResult findFirstByIdentities_CompanyIdAndIdentities_UserIdAndFromDateAndToDateAndFormatAndIdentities_SourceAndStatusInAndCreatedOnAfterOrderByCreatedOnDesc(String companyId, String userId, Date fromDate, Date toDate, String format, String source, Collection<String> status, Date createdOn) {...}
I know I know, efficiency is weeping in a dark corner. Will deal with it later2 -
So another rant inspired me.
Tell me one fact or detail about your favorite programming language, other devs not using it, might not know about.
I go with: In Delphi you don't have garbage collection, unless you use interfaces the right way.7 -
I picked a module of my nodejs app which uses MongoDB to pieces until I had no more idea what could be wrong. It should work. There could be nothing wrong. Then I thought: "What if I try to find() from the wrong collection?" Yes. Fucking YES! I've lost about 2 hours of my life because I've written the collection name in singular rather then plural. Just a fucking single character. Just a fucking "s"! Why don't you output an error? Why? Fuck you! Why don't you do that?1
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So I cant resize the window and I can't scroll down anymore... Where the fuck is "below" so I can turn "off" data collection 😤
2 -
C# Collection class had me pulling my hair out for hours the past two days.
With a list, you can do new List<T>(IEnumerable<T>) and it creates a new list with the contents of the parameter in it.
With new Collection<T>(ICollection<T>), however, the new object is a reference to the parameter passed in.
Is it just me, or does that seem fucking bonkers?2 -
I archive a lot of shit. I've been archiving YouToob videos for the past few years. Nearly 20% of my archived collection is no longer available on YouTube:
https://battlepenguin.com/tech/...
I wrote a tool if you want to check your collection too:
https://gitlab.com/djsumdog/youboot3 -
Every Friday, we be playing. Custom word collection, challenging topics, teamwork!
Join the party! 😄🎉
5 -
Pythonista!
A curated collection of python scripts of all kinds - from the fun and silly to the more complex and sophisticated. A small toolset to enable easy usage of scripts from the repository is also underway.
Check it out here -
https://github.com/pyista/...1 -
Creating a Google Photos shared collection and added 1000 photos too it... Or so I thought....
Find out afterwards there's a 500 photo limit... So NONE got added...
WTF... WONDERFUL USER DESIGN... DUMBASS7 -
So, looking at the news coming out of WWDC... Is it just me, or is this something a collection of "about damn time" and "oh look, yearly specs upgrade" combined with a splattering of "wait, that wasn't already a thing?"
-
The Borderlands Handsome Jack Collection on Steam is currently $7 for ALL Borderlands games AND all DLC for them (except the new UHD packs, but those are free anyway.)
https://store.steampowered.com/bund...7 -
Having my first memory leak problem ever. This sucks. I've tried what seems like everything. Forcing garbage collection every time I press a key to try and debug the issue. Fuck. I have 'using' blocks everywhere, and I have no idea what I'm doing wrong.3
-
To date, this is my favourite collection of funny development situations/descriptions https://buzzfeed.com/lukelewis/...
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Our app has web scale data. So let me take all my tables from a relational database and map them one to one to a collection in a document database.
-
Probably working for a scientific research firm and building in house tools for collection and analysis of data...
-
MongoDB database with really relational data. One main collection that had refs to four other collections, all of those references necessary to populate data for a page view. Complicated aggregate to populate all the necessary data and then filter based on criteria selected by the user. And then the client decides that he wants the information to be sortable by column. Some of those columns are fields on the main model, no problem. Others are fields on the refs, which is more of a problem. Especially given that these refs aren’t one single object. They’re arrays of objects.
The revelation was that I could just write an aggregate function to flat map the main collection, returning only the fields necessary for the search, and output it to a new collection and instead use that new collection for displaying and filtering/sorting search results.
But you can’t run the aggregate all the time, you surely say. If anything changes in the main collection, it won’t be reflected in the search results!
Mongoose post(‘findOneAndUpdate’) hooks, my friends. Mongoose post(‘findOneAndUpdate’) hooks.
Never been so happy to have a thing working properly in my life.2 -
I forked an collection/project on TFS so a team could do their own changes on one application and leave me alone. Yay Shadow IT. Now I have to figured out how to do pull requests to merge back into “master” without me doing all the work.4
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do you ever separate the structure of a collection from the values held within to allow queries about the structure to be deferred arbitrarily without keeping the values alive through that reference, or is my project just terminally fucked?5
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hey , does anybody have some collection or something of the various graphics on devrant, like the logo, or alice's amazing vector arts ? i was creating a wallpaper for me, i wanted to include that .6
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When you search about disabling windows data collection, anti privacy settings and end up on frogs REEEEING, you know there's something fishy
-
!Rant
I'm helping a customer who calls in all the time for support. At the end of a call this exchange happens.
Customer: So I have this game...
*Points at a solitaire icon on his desktop*
Customer: If we open that up, there's this little thing here...
*Game opens and there's an ad in the bottom right corner*
Customer: Can you get rid of that?
Me: I can't, not in applications like this. This is the free version of the software and add are how they make their money. If you did want to play without ads, Microsoft has the Solitaire Collection for free
*Makes shortcut to Solitaire Collection on desktop*
Me: There you go -
So i got a ps4 a few days ago and i started with the nathan drake collection.
Now i want to design the levels 😂. The buildings, the scenes are just 😍.
Also, https://youtu.be/k70_jvVOcG0 🤯3 -
Just received latest edition of #Lootcrate geek stuff for my collection. Damn I love fallout thingies😊😊😊stuffing my office with all this memorabilia))
2 -
I'm actually a huge fan of elementary and the appcenter - it's so nice just to have a small collection of well-written, good looking apps that do one thing well3
-
Umbraco updated so a Content Picker now returns a collection of IPublishedContent rather than their IDs. Fantastic.
Except, upgrading from an older version is now more tedious. -
Does anybody know some good, preferrably rather high-contrast vim-colorschemes? Both light and dark.
Currently testing through tbe base16 collection. Tried solarized but aint my cup of tea.1 -
feature request / suggestion / wish:
i would love to "reblog" posts, or any other way they will be visible in my profile ("mark as favorite", "star"...).
the idea behind it is to have a nice little collection of posts i want to keep available to me.
i even have a suggestion for naming the action: "inherit post" ;)
hopefully i did not just miss an already implemented feature :P4 -
I keep a collection of strange logs I see scrolling by the CI Pipeline. What's your strangest log entry?
-
Anyone do anything other than read the kanban board to the PM at the standup? Read it yourself and let me code dammit, I could change the columns those cards are in if you’d just let me.3
-
pr();
I use this in all my project now...
It was the first time I've felt really daft that I'd been hand coding:
<pre>
<?php print_r($array); ?>
</pre>
Needless to say I now have a big collection of beautiful little functions! -
Customized browser start pages?
I use Booky for bookmarks so my startpage is booky.io, but I have a userscript to remove a bunch of unnecessary padding and hide the header and footer. They're toggleable by clicking on the collection name.
1 -
I was talking with my friend on call who was grocery shopping and was confused which icecream to buy. I suggested him to get Chapman’s Frosty. I started seeing advertisements of Chapman’s all over Instagram after. Kinda scary.
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Why does scala 2.13 refactored its collection library AGAIN???? It just killed me 1 million brain cells to remember the shit called CanBuildFrom and how can they just threw all the shit away like that?6
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so how about to get past that big monster at the end of time, which has been thus constructed into a loop by a very large interlinking collection of lying idiots.4
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Did you know that theres no real long in php (if so, please tell me how to cast..)?
And did you know that mongodb decides what it puts into it's collection?
I have no idea how to force it to set an int64 instead of int32..5 -
One of my preferred functions is Collections.unmodifiableList(List).
What a relief was the introduction of the collection FW. And the Function above changed the usage of lists (also sets, maps) a lot. You could now just expose your internal list without worrying that somebody messes with the data. -
Great start to a day when a new release of code has performance degrade over time. Turns out some concurrent collection was causing lock contention.
-
Does anyone here own a Canon 90D? I'm in the later stages of trying to upgrade from my T6 and I've picked the 90D due to the resolution it shoots at and it's price point plus compatibility with my current lens collection. Anything I should know?
-
As much as the build quality and features of Google products are appreciated, how many of you are concerned about the data they collect about users ? Do you guys take steps to avoid such data collection ? Who wins eventually .. convenience or privacy ?1
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<quote>
EmptyCollection
struct EmptyCollection<Element>
A collection whose element type is Element but that is always empty.
</quote>
SwiftDoc.org is pure gold. -
I've bought a LinkedIn premium and it have overwhelmingly collection of courses and now I don't know where to start? Any suggestions?3
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what are you all using for static site generations? like I am planning todo a collection of links/resources/knowledge for personal use. Would do it with markdown and heard about https://www.11ty.dev/docs/ and jekyll, can you recommend me some others?5
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!rant
When you're working, what do you listen to?
Over the summer I was on a Future Bass kick.
Future Bass Collection v1 by Aviencloud
https://youtu.be/SoBAQgl0zbo1
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