!n case someone is unfamiliar with this joke ::

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, *"But how'd you know?"**

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

Watched the Winter Olympics opening ceremony where they have 1200 drones flying in unison to make amazing shapes in the sky with lights. Truly astonishing. It took a large team weeks / months to prepare.

BBC commentator “wow that must have taken someone hours”

Fuck you you dumb fuck ignorant cunt. It’s oxygen thiefs like you that put so much pressure on dev teams to do monumental tasks in ridiculous amounts of time.

If you don’t understand what you’re talking about then don’t talk!

There will be flying cars by 2018 they said.

People are fucking idiots. Had agreed to a meeting on Monday morning at 9 with some generic startup. Agreed to listen to their pitch after they had bugged me with hundred phonecalls and emails. It happened that my kid got sick during the previous night and this being the only meeting I decided to work from home and stay with the kid. I sent an email at 2am as apologizing, canceling the meeting and proposing a new time for another day this week.

Well at 9am I get a call from reception that my guests have arrived. I call the contact and she's angry at me that I didn't show. When I asked about the email she snaps at me: I don't have time to read emails on Monday mornings.

Well I don't give a flying fuck about your shitty pitch. Go fucking peddle your shit somewhere else if you can't handle your affairs and start snapping at me. FUCK.

So at school the teacher gave us a MONTH to write a sorting algorithm in Java. I asked the teacher if that wasn't a little too much time.
Her answer:" I want to give the weaker people in class a chance."
Okay so far so good.

The day we had to turn in our code I asked around what algorithm others had choosen and if they had any problems with it.

Classmate A: "yeah we didn't know how to program it so we copied it from the internet and I modified it heavily."
Me *raised eyebrows*: "can you show me?"
Me: "but that's exactly the same like the first Google result?!"
A:"No look there , I added this line so that it works with my code"

That lying bitch just added bucketSort(myArr, maxVal);
In the main method.

Me"How is that heavily modifying?"
A:"Also I asked the teacher and she said it was OK to copy the method from the internet"

What the flying cunt is wrong with people. So you give us a month to copy and paste from the internet.
Yeah great teaching.
You are the reason why half the class can't program shit.

Thanks for nothing. 😒😒

First rant hope you enjoyed it.

90s: We'll have flying cars in future!

2017:

My recent failure to build a responsive website according to a template tells me I should have worked with CSS a bit more.

The thing is, I write the type of CSS that passes the CSS validation with flying colors, but doesn't work as it should. Am I a minority(I hate that word), in that?

Now I have to redo the website or I'm not passing the exam. Lovely.

someone checked their bag when flying this weekend. We now have a $2500 phone stand.

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

// No comment

Translation: My Samsung picture app wants to be allowed to make and receive phone calls...

WHY IN THE FLYING FUCK DOES MY STOCK GALERY APP NEED TO MAKE PHONE CALLS????

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, *"But how'd you know?"**

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

DHL, GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER.

I CALLED YOU TWICE TO MAKE SURE THAT MY DELIVERY WOULD ARRIVE TOMORROW. YOU CONFIRMED TWICE THAT MY PACKAGE WOULD BE DELIVERED TOMORROW BETWEEN 8am and 9pm.

THERE WAS A FUCKING SIGNATURE REQUIRED FOR SUCCESSFUL DELIVERY.

THEN WHAT IN THE FLYING FUCK IS THIS ‘delivered at your neighbors {number}’ NOTE DOING AT MY FUCKING DOOR?!

GO DROWN IN A FUCKING SEA OF INFECTED CUM.

FUCK YOU, I NEVER EVEN AUTHORIZED THIS.

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions,"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology,"says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. ♨💨🎈

He reduces height and spots a man down below.

He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions,

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says:

"Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"

"Well", says the man “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

!rant

I have been teaching my fiance PHP over the last year, and she has been sent her first technical test for a Junior Developer role. She is flying through it, seeing people enjoy coding is a great experience!

In bed trying to sleep.

There's a HUGE FUCKING OVERWEIGHT FLY FLYING AROUND.
THIS FUCKING NOISE..

IF I'D HAVE A FUCKING SHOTGUN RIGHT NOW...

I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."

To become an engineer (CS/IT) in India, you have to study:
1. 3 papers in Physics (2 mechanics, 1 optics)
2. 1 paper in Chemistry
3. 2 papers in English (1 grammar, 1 professional communication). Sometimes 3 papers will be there.
4. 6 papers in Mathematics (sequences, series, linear algebra, complex numbers and related stuff, vectors and 3D geometry, differential calculus, integral calculus, maxima/minima, differential equations, descrete mathematics)
5. 1 paper in Economics
6. 1 paper in Business Management
7. 1 paper in Engineering Drawing (drawing random nuts and bolts, locus of point etc)
8. 1 paper in Electronics
9. 1 paper in Mechanical Workshop (sheet metal, wooden work, moulding, metal casting, fitting, lathe machine, milling machine, various drills)
And when you jump in real life scenario, you encounter source/revision/version control, profilers, build server, automated build toolchains, scripts, refactoring, debugging, optimizations etc. As a matter of fact none of these are touched in the course.
Sure, they teach you a large set of algorithms, but they don't tell you when to prefer insertion sort over quick sort, quick sort over merge sort etc. They teach you Las Vegas and Monte Carlo algorithms, but they don't tell you that the randomizer in question should pass Die Hard test (and then you wonder why algorithm is not working as expected). They teach compiler theory, but you cannot write a simple parser after passing the course. They taught you multicore architecture and multicore programming, but you don't know how to detect and fix a race condition. You passed entire engineering course with flying colors, and yet you don't know ABC of debugging (I wish you encounter some notorious heisenbug really soon). They taught 2-3 programming languages, and yet you cannot explain simple variable declaration.
And then, they say that you should have knowledge of multiple fields. Oh well! you don't have any damn idea about your major, and now you are talking about knowledge in multiple fields?
What is the point of such education?
PS: I am tired of interviewing shitty candidates with flying colours in their marksheets. Go kids, learn some real stuff first, and then talk some random bullshit.

I think I get a programmer high.

Like when I program, I get really into it, time is flying, I'm having fun problem solving, I am super focused, my brain is thinking super fast, and I have a hard time stopping.

Maybe similar to a runners high?

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions,"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology,"says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

A friend just told me about that dumb tide pods meme.

Oh well. Looks like we have other priorities, no flying cars or anything.

It looks like those who say "I don't use Chrome, I use Firefox" or "I use duckduckgo instead of Google" are like vegans.

No one gives a flying fuck if you're a vegan or you use Firefox.

Yes, many of us use Firefox, ddg, Altavista, Netscape and FreeBSD but there is no need to remind us at every opportunity you do so.

Do whatever you want to but we don't care and probably won't judge you.

!dev but fuck it.

I'd like to talk to the interior designers of the new dutch NS sprinter trains.

Who in the flying FUCK puts the SOS button right where you'd rest your shoulder at the STANDING SEATS?!?

SERIOUSLY HOW FUCKING RETARDED CAN YOU BE? YES I ACCIDENTALLY LEANED AGAINST ONE TODAY.

What the actual fuck.

1958: By 2017, we will have flying cars.

2017: AI to identify your sexual orientation.

Oh my God! This is so amazing!

So I have to register in the website to view article in one single page. Otherwise the article is divided into multiple pages and I have click "next" couple of times to read the full article.

HAHAHAHA! Welcome to 2017.

What the flying fuck?

What the flying fuck is happening on the EU with the fucking GDPR corsairs!!

I made two - TWO - entirely static websites, hand-made, 100% cookie-free!! I didn't even need to store a goddam boolean cookie! No third-party content is EVER invoked, called or summoned! I hosted a small video to avoid Youtube! Facebook and twitter share buttons are links!! I DID ALL OF THIS ON PURPOSE AND INFORMED THE FUCKING CLIENT.

And THEN (and, of course, unsolicited), the fucking lawyers of an asshole GDPR corsair office came and scared the shit out of my clients and convinced BOTH of them to put the goddam GDPR cookie consent popup on the fucking websites!! And they took their bribe, of course...

In order to avoid billionaire fines because of the NON EXISTENT cookies of the SMALLEST, SIMPLEST, 2KB MINIFIED HTML page on the Internet.

Anybody else is suffering from this kind of behavior??

Roommate's boyfriend visits just to work because his laptop can't connect via WiFi anymore.

Described the problem and fix attempts yesterday, he got two other tech savvy people involved, now suspects hardware problem.

I needed <1m to re-activate the WiFi adapter, now I'm seen as the local tech God as I deserve.

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do" replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

1960s: I bet there will be flying cars in the future!

2018: ...

With all this emoji code bullshit flying around in here.

I thought I would test my luck and make what I think would be the worst possible end result of this.

<?php
define("😂","God help me");
define("🤡",100);

for($🍔 = 0; $🍔 <= 🤡; $🍔++){
echo 😂."\n";
}
?>
This will execute and run on PHP7.1 😱

Now let’s all band together and kill emojicode before it becomes a thing we will regret!

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK WINDOWS???

You change the icon for the multi desktop button... ok fine,
*clicks*
son of a bitch now contains Bing Ads

Fuck you Windows, and Fuck me for not being able to find a linux distro that will fucking boot after install correctly, and FUCK you acer for not having linux support.

I do not give a flying fuck which Linux distro you are using.

I'm not really one for news, but apparently (a while ago) there was some 12 year old who taught himself to code and made his own apps and whatnot. Girlfriend informed me of this.

Just got told that I'm a useless piece of shit because Im 23 and don't develop apps and I'm not rich like this kid. Fuck man. I develop mostly server side software, and I personally fucking wrote half the shit the company uses. No one really knows, so naturally in the silent developer. Don't much care about that. But fuck, being told I'm useless because a 12 year old has more money than me really made me take one straight to the balls. Now I'm sitting here, moping, downloading android studio, and just going to prove a person wrong. I can fucking code an app, it's not that hard.

Should have just said fuck off, but I don't have the strength and effort to face flying cups anymore.

Android sdk, here I come.

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

Very funny/random/weird partly non-dev related story that happened today.

We're selling our coffee machine at work since the coffee is gross.

Someone wants to buy it and wants it to be sent.

Coworker: just the general way through a package?
Other coworker: hmm yeah through post is fine
Me: POSTAL PIDGIN
other colleague: BY PENGUIN
Another colleague: BY LIKE 100 PENGUINS FLYING THAT THING THROUGH THE AIR WITH LIKE WIRES ATTACHED TO IT
Me: just hold on for a second and imagine this graphically...
Colleagues: damn that would be fucking genius xD

Yeah we're quite random 😆

Ok you fucks that don't believe in documentation - me included.

Document your shit, because one day, one day some dumb fuck is going to have to recreate your over engineered bullshit of a system and scale it up.

What would fucking be useful right now is ANY god forsaken insight into what in the flying fuck your code is doing, or not doing, or why it makes queries to a database with no fucking records in it 🤦‍♂️ and then attempts to use that data... in case it did exist.

There's nothing like unpicking a mess of bullshit, and documenting it, and then have to remake it on a new platform.

Documention saves lives kids, maybe your own life one day😬

The problem with my life is acceptance from others. Validation (almost wrote vladiation).

For instance, I finished my course in Advanced Java Programming a few days ago. Supposed to be a year course or some shit, finished it in two months. They told me I don't need to go to the remainder classes and I could write the examination. Got the certifications, passed with flying colours.
Well done me? No, fuck you me. "It's not through Oracle, so it's completely useless. Har har you wasted your measly salary on a course and it means nothing". You know what? Fuck you and fuck validation. I will validate myself from now on.

Anywhom, what a start to a shitty rant. Let's go over some generic points so I can finally make my avatar.

IE can suck a duck ("oooh you made it and it runs fine in every fucking browser except fucking IE - slow clap).

Chrome RAM usage can suck a duck, two times. (just generic post, don't actually give a shit - I use Firefox).

People who can't use one fucking indentation standard ("oooh two spaces, oooh three spaces, oooooh a fucking tab button... " etc) can fuck off.

That fucker who came and converted my buildings in Age of Empires with the "wolololo" priest can fuck off too.

Been reading through devRant and you know what? You guys are pretty cool

Parent: Your room is a mess
Me: You should see my code

*Flying slipper received*

Placed a hidden flying unicorn as easteregg in our last business app. My boss stumbled across it and told me: "make it that all users can see it more easily without using the secret gesture."

...but ..it's an easteregg! .. :facepalm:

!!rant

When I worked at a previous job, they only gave out decent titles (and salaries) to upper management. Everyone else... well... I was the Domain/Sysadmin, responsible for the domain and both DCs, upgrading the physical network (plus recabling it: the MDF was a *disaster*), as well as all backups, migrations, printers, servers, and workstations/lappys in the building, plus pushing software, antivirus, updates, security policies, etc. I had complete access to everything, and ofc was responsible for everything. Nothing on my network caused anyone (else) any trouble except one particular printer I wasn't able to replace. Also, nothing new appeared on my network without me noticing and tracking it down.

But my official title? "IT Assistant".
I made $11/hr.

Worth it? Take a flying leap into an overflowing outhouse during the height of a Vegas summer if you even begin to think so.

I eventually managed to switch to a developer position, and (after several attempts) got a ~$5/hr raise. The girl they replaced me with in IT with some ditz who had never installed an OS before, didn't know what the BIOS was, and couldn't figure out why a monitor... plugged into itself... wasn't working. Things went downhill from there.

Two thousand fucking eighteen people!!!!
Stop this non sense "get a plane" for a fucking meeting that could be a fucking video conference.

Wtf? Everyone here seems to be addicted to flying, specially upper management... And if we need a new switch to keep the network running? Oh, for that we have no money :)

Some dude in my university used Squarespace to make a webstore, presented it as his final exam in Web developement and passed with flying colors.
They didn't even look up the code or anything, just gave him max score and that's it. I hate my school...

Edit: a friend just told me that the guy didn't even made the site. He paid someone else to do it.
I honestly don't know what makes me more sad

Boss's son (who, despite being 19 and having no formal education or experience, was head of the technical team, consisting of one ops guys, one part-time web developer, and one part-time data entry/programmer) brought a cross bow to work. Just strolled in with it one day and took it back to his office, walking past all the visibly uncomfortable employees. One of the marketing ladies said to him "wow that's a bit scary" but it had no effect. He also wore a trench coat and kept a flying squirrel in a sock in his pocket.

At another place (not doing dev work) I had my manger tell me to type more slowly to get all my hours in, as I was promised 20/wk but they had about 3 hours of work for me to do. I quit after a month.

After weeks of hard work creating a website:

It looks so beautiful 😭

*opens in a different browser*

WHAT THE HECK! why is all my divs flying here and there !

*opens in mobile*

f*#k this

19s: In future, there will be flying cars, Man on Mars, Time Travelling.

2018: Adblocker, Anti Adblocker, Block Anti Adblocker, Anti Block Block Anti Adblocker.

The whole nerd community be like...

Websites that brag about how much coffee they drunk and share zany facts about their employees. "Sarah is a scorpio and enjoys the smell of wet grass."

Am I the only one who doesn't give a flying fuck?

I HOPED I WOULDN'T BE BALD AS MY DAD BUT AT THIS RATE I WILL BE HAIRLESS FROM TEARING IT OUT ON MY BLOODY OWN

I got hired for cleaning up a 2 year project of rushed spaghetti code , where they previously only had 1 programmer aND HE WROTE 37 THOUSAND LINES OF CODE!

OH WE NEED A NEW FEATURE?! LEMME JUST RESEARCH THIS COMMENT-LESS CRAP FOR MULTIPLE MILLENIA BEFORE I CAN GRASP WHAT THE FLYING FRICKIN FRIDGE CODE DOES

To top it off, I've about ONE MONTH LEFT BEFORE BETA RELEASE TO FIX THE CODE!

I'm super grateful for this job as it's my first programming job BUT I'M GONNA SET THE REPOSITORY ON FIRE SOON AAAAHHHHHH

HOW CAN YOU, THE PREVIOUS PROGRAMMER, WORK IN THIS ENVIRONMENT WHERE MOSTLY ALL FILES ARE +2000 ROWS OF UNDOCUMENTED CODE

OH AND JUST GOT A MESSAGE FROM THE PREVIOUS PROGRAMMER:
"You can just remove the unused code and refractor it some, izi"

IZI MY SHITTY POOP CAR
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Now with that out of the way, how would you recommend handling a stressful release deadline?

<rant>
when you're in a iOS programming class and for the 3rd week in a row we aren't coding. I don't give a flying fuck about steve jobs or apple as a company or their philosophy. Im here to code, not for a fucking history lesson.
</rant>

Why... why the fuck do people write unit tests and then comment out the god damn fucking assertion lines....
Like what the flying fuck? Cool, we can get some code coverage marks but for fuck sake actually let your tests do their fucking job!!!

Oh, the asserts fail?
Well fucking sort that shit out instead of commenting them out.

I don't get it, if you're going to write tests, fucking test something with them, or we'd be better of without them.

These anti AI type news articles are ridiculous. We are decades away from anything like skynet. People have seen too much fiction. Everyone used to dream of flying cars, did that happen? No. Do not be fooled, machines can do clever things but they are no where near becoming sentient beings. You try and build something that has the same IQ of a dog and it will still require a shit ton of power and hardware. Plus as far as I'm aware dogs haven't taken over the planet with their level of intelligence.

At the end of the day machines need power to run and we control the source. If anything futuramas more realistic in how AI/robots will integrate with society than these shit piece newspapers.

A new company is flying me out to interview with them today, wish me luck!

What kind of cum gargling gerbil shelfer stores and transmits user passwords in plain text, as well as displays them in the clear, Everywhere!

This, alongside other numerous punishable by death, basic data and user handling flaws clearly indicate this fucking simpleton who is "more certified than you" clearly doesn't give a flying fuck about any kind of best practice that if the extra time was taken to implement, might not totally annihilate the company in lawsuits when several big companies gang up to shower rape us with lawsuits over data breaches.

Even better than that is the login fields don't even differentiate between uppercase or lowercase, I mean WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DO YOU SELF RIGHTEOUS IGNORANT CUNTS THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN IN THIS SCENARIO?

Which commit will you remember always ?

Last December I made a commit to a Github repo. flying over the arctic from the internet provided in an A380, cruising at an altitude of 43,000 ft.

Every time I use Javascript it feels like flying a plane with no gas in the middle of nowhere, all buttons in Chinese, only driving knowedge is scooters and yet somehow I land the plane in its destination.

I'm done with f/e. I so fucking hate it .
I fucking hate implementing weird highly animated websites designed by gurus
I fucking hate making them accessible.
I hate working on weird code generated by my coworkers and jump on projects with 0 specs.
I fucking hate this whole bloatware called javascript.
I fucking hate morons who think they know it all.

I'm fucking disgusted by the job market with their whole job specs ( Oh you don't have 5 year experience in some fucking stupid library I don't give a flying fuck. Too bad, we can't hire you )

And most importantly I fucking hate the day I chose f/e development instead of smth else.

Now at 29 I'm fucking stuck with this shit with no energy and patience to learn something else or at least jump on b/e or anything that is not related to web dev or js.

Sorry for so many fuckings but I had a breakdown.

Love ya.

Night before flying internationally includes the following checklist:

- check VPN works, can access frontend sites and hit the backend
- git push

Any fellow devs located in or near Western Massachusetts??? I have been flying solo the last several months building, designing, and writing literally EVERYTHING for a massive start up company, and after about 4 months its getting close to launch. Nothing is on fire or anything like that, I just need someone to join my team because I've been pulling 80+ hour weeks since October building 3 cross platform apps along with a complex backend, a desktop application, the website, and a shit ton more. I'm killing it for sure, and have us about 2 months ahead of schedule- bit if I sleep for even an hour I lose a week! I don't even care if it's someone just starting off, I'll train the shit out of them on the technology needed to keep those deadlines at bay!!!!

Since this category is called rant/story, let me tell you a story today.

I went paragliding above the turqoise colored "dead beach" of Fethiye.
And boy was that awesome.
I was very insecure about flying first. I have such an anxiety. While moving up towards the "Babadağ" Mountain which is 2000 meters above the sea level, my hands began to Shake. We reached the Clouds. The pilot told me everything will be fine. He is doing that since 2006 and has 4 medals for Turkey's best long distance flyer and he also was a stunt man.
We ran down the Cliff. And as my butt was pushed against the seat, my anxiety began to lower itself.
We even did some stunts, but I do not have them on tape.

Those having such anxiety problems should definitely try this out! Really! :)

I'M NOT EVEN FUCKING DOING ANYTHING! WHAT THE FLYING FUCK? PIECE OF WANK BATTERY

Shit! I knew buzzwords were overused, but I just saw an ad and it is fucking jesused jambled bananas in the ass.

Starts with a woman looking out the window and there’s a tornado (seems ok for now)

The tornado approaches and IT IS MADE OF FUCKING NON MONOSPACED IN MY ASS FONTED 0s AND 1s. Bonus point: they are green !!

Switches to lines of GREEN code (kill my fucking brain with a pistol attached to your dick right now)
Probably JS or something similar in syntax.

And then: A FUCKING GUY LEANING OVER POINTING SOMETHING ON THE SCREEN! HIS NAMETAG:

Logan Paul
Blockchain

👏👏👏👏

And then some other buzzing asses armagedon en d of the fucking world bleeding edge vibrator buzzwords shenanigans.

Finishes with drones shot flying between businesses building with 3d floating words like

Blockchain!

Artificial Intelligence

Deep learning

Etc.

KILLLLLL MMMEEEE FU748-KFJV ING 3I6HT N0W $)&(&($8#;&(&8 jeiebc

Came back from vacation today to find out that some FUCKTURD PIECE OF SHIT deleted my virtual server!! Tried to find any traces on who that SHITFACED NUTSACK was without luck. This server is hosting several websites, some having files and data stretching over more than 10 years! Spent the day praying to GOD that my equally old backup scripts had run and where the FLYING FUCK those files were saved. Luckily the script had worked and I found a recent backup so now I can start the restore process on another machine. But still. WTF!!??

Interviewer: So which university are you from?

Me: I am from "foo" university.

Interviewer: So why did you not go to "bar" university?

Inner Me: Wtf kind of a question is that. Why the fuck aren't you a unicorn with pigs flying out of your ass and a globally reknowned researcher at Stanford?
We all end up where destiny takes us. Some of us try very hard but things don't magically happen for us. We keep trying but at the end of the day you end up where you end up.

Real Me: I just finished my High School and had the entry test the next day. I was not prepared at all.

Why are we still having degree vs autodidact arguments/debates?

It's fucking 2018, who gives a flying fuck how you learn?

Stop giving a shit about how people learn and give a shit about their abilities and skills.

I'm tired of people from both sides (people with degrees and autodidacts) acting like they're better than the other. Stop being arrogant cunts.

Some people have the self control and motivation to teach themselves.

Congratulations! That's fucking awesome.

Others don't and could use a structured environment like University to motivate and encourage them.

Hey it happens. At least you're trying.

My god. Just stop with this shit already. It's annoying and unnecessary.

If you made it this far, how's your week been going?

Omg GuyZ I am looking tp CreAte the NeXt fb!! whAt shOulD I Use? (not php lol fuck php amirite) AnD use machiNe leArninG with nodE tO drive flying cArZ

btw I am from <completely isolated and technology ignored country> but i am l337 af! I don't know about html, css, server administration or even basic sql

WHERE SHOULD I START!!

Signed: account user with -5 points, not that it matters at all.

Y'all wanna know what is more fucking annoying than those morons? you dickwads trying to teach them shit or having arguments with them.

We live in a society in which quantum computers exist, and yet I still have to r set my router constantly just to keep connected to the internet. Weren’t we supposed to have flying cars by now too?

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

10 years experience in DoD C4I enterprise hardware and software.
Looks at civilian job (requires A+)
Gets A+
Looks at civilian job (requires Network+)
Gets Network+
Looks at civilian job market (requires Security+)
Gets security+
Looks at civilian job market (requires CCNA)
Getting CCNA
Looks again at job market (requires CCNP)
Fuck...

Job interview "we don't think you have a strong enough background"

Looks back at my 5 million dollar military flying robotic server FML

Hey boss, I see you are on a rampage with those trello cards, they all flying to the done list... How about you push to gitlab at least once a week too?

You gonna have to deal with the conflicts alone you dumb fuck :)

Why in the flying motherfuck can't people remember the fact that other people might have to read their code?! If you're not gonna name things properly, and mess everything up with utterly useless and garbage comments (all comments are useless and garbage), then the least you can do is fucking format and indent it properly!! GAWD FAKKIN' DAMNIT!!

For some reason the office I work for is paying for a designer to become a front end developer and she gets to take the classes one work time. Any time I want to further my career or pay I have to pay out of pocket and it can't interfere with work. Additionally I have to deal with her asking me every other day why I use Sublime over something else.

Basically I use Sublime because I spent too much time researching new things to try and learn yet another editor. If you wanna use brackets, cool, if you wanna use atom, cool, if you wanna use notepad, cool. I don't give a flying fuck what editor you use, you're writing CSS, I'm writing PHP, if you can count to 4 spaces, and not look at my code, I'm not going to scream at you.

She comes in each day and sits at her desk watching video after video on beginner HTML and CSS asking me mundane questions breaking my concentration at least once an hour.

I know we all started somewhere but Google was my best friend and should be yours as well.

Our internship and placement tests start from 30th and this is message we got from our coordinators.
😤
(We do have WiFi on campus and in labs ,idk why they aren't letting us use that!!)

They are asking use to use the DONGLES ! who the hell has those, these days !
Uni's response to this : if you can't get your own internet source,then don't give the test. (Translation : we don't give a single flying fuck)

Got my self a Jiofi ,I hope it would work fine.

BUT !!!!!!!!
Often our phones catch no network in the labs ! And if they do,the internet speed is slow.

The tests will go GREAT ! 🙃

Me:
Totally riffing to my new playlist....
the ideas are just flowing.....
Code flying...
changing in my brain....
I think I've got I might have it.....
...... RING RING ITS THE MOTHERFUCKING BOSS,
Boss:
Why is the whole website down?

Me: WTF, looks fine here, all logs are clear.

Boss: I just got an email saying the whole thing is fucked. Stop everything and fix it now.

Me: but we just agreed dev is taking priority over any support issues within sla and I've checked from everywhere there are no issues, just data issues probably from user error.

Boss: Just get it back and figure it out!!!!! Why are you being difficult?

Me: okay whatever, let's patch each of these shits.

COULDVE SENT THIS ANYWHERE BUT NOW MY IDEA IS GOOOONEEE!!!!!! NULL FUCKING DATA FIELD ON A SINGLE FUCKING EMAIL....FRAAAAACKKK THIS

Better investigate before flying off the handle!

Took a headoverheels digger on my bike today, groceries went flying, chinos even ripped on the asphalt, first thing this lady bystander says is RAAAAAAAAAAAAA THIS IS A PEDESTRIAN ONLY STREET!!!!!

I'm like no it's not, look at the sign

nO iTs BeEn WrITtEn FoR 2o YeArS, pEdEsTriAnS onLy!!!!!

sure enough at the end of the road, says pedestrians AND bikes allowed... 🤡🤡🤡🤡

stupid bitch, if you're gonna be a bitch at least be right about it

honestly i'm not sure how people navigate through the world, just floating around, no REAL knowledge or consideration of anything, just ideas, hype, and idiotic "feelings"

"If you use a css framework splat splat splat splat bullshit bullshit bullshit"

Listen fam, I write apps that a good portion of the time will be used internally by the company I represent or work for. They don't give 2 flying fucks if I write an entire webpack ecosystem for them to push out assets and 10k outher bs shit in to their frontend end. They just care that shit connects properly to their backend and it spits out the information they need, which 9 times out of 10 does not require a lot of the shit y'all cry about.

Bootstrap will suffice, bulma will suffice. I don't neckbeard over simple shit like this.

I'm flying Lufthansa right now, and if the wifi on this plane is indicative of German wifi, my rants will become much much much angrier... this is absurd.

For those in Germany with this wifi... HOW DO YOU FUNCTION???!!!?!?!

Any country with very vague/non existing laws on flying drones? I want to test my semi-autonomous flight system for midrange delivery and in Germany you can only fly with visual contact.

So my host of choice decided to migrate an old site to a new set of IPs without warning yesterday, down side to a VPS I guess.

Now this wouldn’t be an issue if it wasn’t on a dedicated IP you wankers.

DNS won’t resolve to new location yet and Virtual hosts contained the old IPs and for some fuck of a reason the httpd file is auto generated 😡so updating it will be lost on reboot.

Like What the flying fuck you imbeciles, this site has been up and running for 5+ years on this IP.
I barely do any maintenance for t as it’s just an old horse sitting on the web but fuck you don’t need to fuck with it or atleast give some fucking warning before you go drop it offline 😡

I seriously wanna fucking knofe this guy who says JS is shit and Kotlin is superior well NEWS FLASH YOU FLYING PIECE OF WANK, every fucking language has its pros and cons

If you still think JS is supposed to be in browser well I say to you fucktard this isnt the 80s anymore and we ain't using Java applets and Flash for some limp dicked stuff JS has covered today. A language might have its dark sides but they are all fucking good. There is no superiour language there's only Mother fucking preference. I swear to god this is the worse limp dicked argument I've heard and I have to argue that JS has matured over the years

Never had one due to this trick I borrowed from an old friend.
So we all know about those meetings where its all crap flying around right?.
First go in there with your alarm clock set on vibration every 7 minutes(trust me on this-makes you look important and you ought to be somewhere else)
Actually the alarm is a reminder that you need to bring yourself back online.
At this point just listen to the speaker for a couple of seconds(especially if its marketing dept) and being the engineer your are; rephrase parts of their presentation in a question-comment hybrid( at this point you're the wisest looking person in the room)
Now go back to thinking about that pizza slice you left in the fridge as they discuss the "lean production" methods that they can use based on "your opinion"..
To more happy meetings..cheers

Fuck these stupid frustrating trends. It drives me fucking crazy. Scrolling a website and sections overlap each other, text flying in as you scroll, stuff fading in, images moving over text panels. FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!! I want to read the content, I don't want to feel sick and confused. Clients - DO NOT SEND ME A LINK TO THIS KIND OF WORTHLESS SHIT, SAYING 'I WANT IT LIKE THIS'.
Used sparingly and intelligently, animation can add to the UX, but it rarely is.
Remember the 90's when lazy designers used the photoshop bevel and emboss filter on every fucking thing, the web was contaminated. Cunts.

YouTube. Hate and love for it just like I would for an abusive partner.

Ads!
Wanna build a website with Wix? Fuck no!
Wanna manage WordPress over SSH? Fuck no!
.. well I kind of do but a turd remains a turd regardless of how it's maintained. WordPress can go die from a torture as long as the time everyone has wasted on it loading already. So no, I don't give a flying fuck about WordPress' new interface.
Wanna buy a new Samsung phone despite just having bought a OnePlus already? YOUTUBE, HOW ABOUT YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF AND YOUR SHITTY ALGO?!!

Quality videos though, so many engineering videos and all for free. How amazing is that? I quite like them.

But if I try to like a video and particularly the fucking comments on it, don't you fucking dare putting your fat fingers 1 pixel next to the like button, because then obviously you want to reply to the comment and have a pop-up with the whole comment and all its replies, and an automatically popped up text input field, just so you have to tap back 2 times just to try liking the bloody comment again. Rinse and repeat that 2 times at best, 5 times at worst. What's not to like, right?!

God fucking dammit. At least now I know why those random mentions without any meaningful other text are there in most comment sections. Usability over 9000!!!

Same days you just need a duck.

Me: map.get(record.Id)

Code: null

Me: no, map.get(record.id)

Code: null

Me: let's grab this record from the map

Code: null

Me: what the flying fuck, take this fucking ID from this fucking RECORD and find it in THIS god forsaken map.

Code: null

Me:.......

Code: 😉

Duck: did it occur to you the ID exists only AFTER the map is created.

Me: you fucking wha..... oh I'm a dick head.

I confess I’m one of those smug people right now who’s never had a Facebook account. Why?

Although I do have privacy concerns, I’m not on Facebook because I truly, genuinely, honestly, legitimately do not give a single flying Monkey’s fuck about what you or anyone else gets up to on your own time.

I don’t care. I have no interest. And I have even less interest in telling others what I’m doing.

I fucking hate people.

What the flying git did I just do.

So here I am, finishing my billionth.. ok maybe not that many, feels like it some days.. task so I do the following:

git add /path/to/file.ext
git commit -m "yay done for the day" /path/to/file.ext

- yes I specify the files in a commit, I've had bad days in the past, plus I can work on multiple files at a time -
But anyway...

Then all of a sudden 20 other files are now staged for commit 🧐🤪🤭😱🤯

Wtf!

Guess I'll be sorting this mess out before doing a push tomorrow morning.

"Google control is not privacy #savelocal news" this was flying over Google io

i understand some developers like to write wrapper functions to handle tedious things, I even understand how to write dynamic SQL queries, but for the love of fucking god and sanity, NEVER FUCKING DO THIS!!!!

Yes its PHP, but its not even bad PHP, its a fucking abomination from hell of PHP.

Major update went good through the IT side.

Somehow on a different department, some moron botched up what he had to do (he has a technical role, but he is no programmer or analyst or anything like that and even though he is an admin (with big fucking quotes) no one here would call him so.

He fucks his shit up, and the DBA and myself have to go and fix it. Fine, whatever.

Why am I ranting? Because this bitch sent an email tagging half the board and every other VP stating that it was I.T's fault this happened. Somehow, she had forgotten that she had tagged me into that email since she tagged the Web Developer section email.

I did not give two flying fucks and in front of everyone called them out on what actually happened. I was polite and used some very non-directed "bitch it was you" comments. But it pissed me off that she did that shit behind I.T's back.

Everyone in that email replied saying thank you.....except for her.

I will slap a hoe, I swear.

Mom: "Hey! So when tour finished with your education as a programmer, can't you develop flying cars?"

Me: "... mom"

Once worked with a PM in a company that was downsizing. Rumors were flying about who was getting cut. He heard his name was on the list and went on a rampage in the office. Cursing every member of management out and turned his office upside down before telling everyone to go fuck themselves and walking out.

Turns out his name wasn't on the cut list.

So i have been helping people on the Steam forums for a game in Beta and today i got someone having a go at me for it.

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK, I WILL BE GETTING DEATH THREATS FOR HELPING AN ELDERLY WOMAN NEXT!!!

!dev

One of the worst weekends of my adult life. I'm flying to attend my best friends funeral tomorrow. My flight is delayed over 6 hours by a cyclone that already passed over my house 3 days ago. And I am still in my 90 days at my new job so I can't take any PTO and have to take a redeye Monday morning and be back online for standup.

This run up to Christmas is the shit. Everything is suddenly urgent. No time to do a proper job. If that isn't bad enough, you are also tasked with thinking up some ideas for family Christmas presents, as if i give a flying fuck. I dont mind the break for the holidays but i fucking hate Christmas but have to put a brave face on and celebrate (what exactly am i celebrating). And no scrooge comments please.

Trump and Biden flying small Cessna. Biden says: I can throw out a $100 bill and make one person happy. Trump says: I can throw out ten bills and make ten people happy. Pilot says: I can throw out both of you and make 8 billion people happy!

Can someone just please come over and safe me? I am soooooo done with all this bullshit code. I understand why people loathe PHP, it enables totally worthless people to carry the title 'programmer' because hurrrdurrr look at my website, I made this. Fuck yes, you made that and you should SHAME yourself! What the actual flying fuck I can't begin to explain the monstrosities that I find checking out this worthless pile of fucking garbage.

User passwords saved as plaintext in database? Check!

Using hungarian notation, camecase and snakecase inconsistently? Check!

Typejuggling like you're the mainman of the Insane Clown Posse? Check!

Everything is a mess, there is no documenation, no consistency no nothing, this is straight from the 9th circle of programmers hell.

Aaaaaaarghhhhh I AM SO FUCKING DONE WITH THIS WORTHLESS PILE OF GARBAGE!!!!

The original dev prefixed every spagetthifile with his copyright shite so im gonna look him up and highfive him in the face with my laptop and after that printing out my resignation letter in comic sans fontsize 78 because FUCK YOU

So done.

Microsoft are you serious! You are installing a major update that will take a while, specifying that it will restart my computer many times without even asking if I want to proceed with it now or later! I don't have my charger ! What would happen if It goes out of battery! Damn you Microsoft !! Isn't there any good OS or what! Windows is sometimes buggy ! Linux distros don't make use of GPU! And I don't even talk about Mac.. God damnit we're on year 2017 and made so many astonishing work and still there is no fully operational and good OS! 😬😬😬

It was about my 30th progress meeting with the clients on a website I was working on for them. At that point, I knew what was gonna happen. Change bloody requests.

Before attending that meeting I thought, "I'll change them on the fly as they comment for more ridiculous changes" as I drank 4 cans of RedBull. At the meeting I was having my 5th and the clients was firing all sorts of changes and complaints in the air and I whack them all with my lightning fast fingers can go.

I didn't know I could go that fast, like I was flying. Clients were impressed. Boss was worried that I don't look so... Normal. In fact, I jitter every mid sentence.

Told him to tell them to email changes/complaints instead of bringing it to this meeting. A complete waste of my Red Bulls.

TL,DR;
Did I mentioned that I hate 1&1?

I host my website there, a small-not-much-visited one. And it works great. But I also have internet connection at home - with 1&1. And it freaking sucks, it always did but that's partly cause of our unlucky position in the country. But why the flying fuck would it completely break sometimes in the meantime the last 20 days. There's a map in the internet showing places where popele have trouble with 1&1. The last two or three weeks germany completely red! Just sometimes out of nowhere the upload is practically zero. And then again, after a hour or a few restarts, it works again. A bit. WHAT THE FUCK MARCEL D'VIS? What did I do to you?!

I have absolutely nothing wrong with the desire to make money. In fact, I'm willing to bet it's inspired some revolutionary technology to be made.

But for fuck sake YouTube, im not some 20ish year old Instagram personality with 15k followers that posts pictures in front of expensive cars at the car dealership or at some hotel you're just touring with the word "entrepreneur" in my bio.

I don't give a flying fuck about trying to make "easy" money. Stop showing ads of those cancerous "I'mma show you how to make easy money. I just need 2 hours of your time and you can make easy money without investing a dime" bullshit ads. It's a fucking scam and everyone knows this shit doesn't work.

My friend tried this shit and surprise surprise: it didn't fucking work.

*Breathes in and out*
WHO THE FUCKING FUCK MESSED WITH THE WLAN ON THE PI?!
WHY THE FLYING FUCK DOESNT wlan0 WORK WITH THE NEW STRETCH IMAGE?!
WHO THE FUCK PROGRAMMED
THIS SHIT OF AN IMAGE?!
EVEN THE SHUTDOWN ISNT WORKING PROPERLY!
I FUCKING LOVED THE OLD JESSIE ONE! OK!!
*Begins to smash head to table*
WHY THE FUUUUCK DOESNT THIS WORK!
PLEASE! FFS IT JUST WONT CONNECT!
*Head begins to bleed*
FUCK!!!
*Stops smashing head*
*Tried once again*
Huh, it takes Longer now...
Error...
FUCKING FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
I HAD SO HIGH HOPES FOR THIS SHIT TO WORK! PLEASE RELIEVE ME OF THIS FUCKING BAD DREAM!
*Takes a Deep breath once again*
Shutdown -i
Error, another user is connected.
THIS CANT FUCKING BE! IM THE ONLY FUCKING USER ON THIS WIFI AND PI!
THIS SHIT MUST BE KIDDING ME!
AND NOW IT WONT SHUT DOWN!
*Realizes that I ran out of fucks to give*
OK...
IM NOT ONLY PULLING THE PLUG NOW, I WILL BE PULLING THE GODDAM FUSE OF MY ROOM!!
EVEN MY DUCKY DIDNT HELP ME!
THIS IS USELESS!
FUCK.

btw, there should be Raspberry Pi Capes.

what do you think of my setup?

/* picture of desk with 200 monitors, 7 keyboards, a flying mouse, a rasbperry pi with a human head, and a desk lamp */

Is this learning job cpu intensive or memory intensive?

I don't know and I don't give a flying fuck, because it's 6:20pm and I have not found any of my favorite servers free to rerun this shit the whole fucking week, so this server (which I have actually killed before, btw) can suck a dick and do its fucking job.

🎤🖐️

Joined a flying school. Hopefully in a few years I can say goodbye to computers, bad pay, worse hours, and little respect

import flying :P

Update:

The wasp is still alive.

I walked in today to find the damn buzzy mother-earth-fucker on the window. It doesn't have much energy now, and I didn't let it out because mofo got the chance a million times over to just leave me the fuck alone. So I just let it be. no idea where in the lab it is hidden now, and the robots will watch him all night, every night.

And you know what, I'm not gonna open the damn window for it ever again.

(Sat in my hoodie, wrapped, the whole day and was paranoid about it flying and sitting on me, but the war is on. He won't get out of this lab alive. )

Getting out of this business. I had my first flying lesson yesterday. Luckily I held on to my breakfast during the flight... A couple hundred more hours behind the yoke, and I'll be uninstalling all my developer tools... Can't wait

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK ARE YOU BROWSIBG THRU CLOTHES FOR THE 3RD FUCKING HOUR FOR JUST PICK ONE AND GO FOR FUCKS SAKE

Flying to Romania with my 6 months young son for the first time!

I wish I could debug mosquitoes.. this way I could leave them hanging on a breakpoint all night and prevent them from flying next to my ear just before I fall asleep

Windows you dense motherfucker! Now you come with two different fucking candy crush games and some fucking disney piece of shit botnet useless game consuming an entire GB of precious ssd space?? What the flying fuck i swear i hate this piece of junk more and more every day.
Furthermore, i got my motherboard replaced the other day since it suddenly died and now i cant boot into linux anymore since windows decided it's the only os to live on my laptop? Fuck off

Ohhh! That feeling when you quit your stupid job . Now i can say whatever the fuck i want to my boss and his loyal bitches. Without giving a flying fuck.
Sorry, i get so excited.

opened up my laptop at the car dealership where I am chilling at rn while I wait on my car's service to be done.

I open my laptop and start working on some small fix that I had forgotten about for work.

OMG guess what? no one is looking at me doing shit in the computer because in reality no one gives a flying fuck like most of you attention whores wanna make it sound like.

No one thinks you are hacking because you opened up a terminal in public.

Bola de jotos ridiculos.

Please, oh please, tell me there's an exception for murdering people using their phone in speaker mode right in the middle of an open space.

Please ... I feel like it should count as public service and be rewarded ..

I'm trying to work here, it don't give the slightest flying fuck about the latest crap you dare to call code and how it fucked up your whole application.

AHHHHHH. I KNEW I'D SEE YOU, YOU LITTLE BALL OF HAIR, CUM, AND PISS. GO DIE IN HELL.

Me, before November 2014:
"The chances of MS open sourcing .NET are slightly lower than the chance of seeing a pig flying over a frozen hell."

Sometimes, it's great to be wrong.

I no longer give a single flying fuck about whether this company I work for lives or dies, whether it succeeds or fails. My compensation has been piss poor compared to the level of dedication I have put in and the level of stress I've endured. Up until now, I was thinking like "well, it's a growing startup, maybe if it succeeds it can have some doors open for me". But fuck it.

I keep hearing about software developers doing pretty well for themselves, but I can barely pay my fucking bills with this shit company in this shit country.

I should've started doing this sooner, and I'm a stupid-ass motherfucker for not having been doing it, but I'll be looking for jobs with actual respectable pay now. I'm not bound by a notice time in my contract, so maybe I'll be telling whatever other companies that I can start with them immediately if they need me to.

Seriously fuck this company and its low-ass compensation. If I'm going to be paid this low, I might as well take a less stressful job with less skill requirements.

I will be jumping ship and I won't be caring one bit if it fucking sinks.

1990 people - There will be flying cars in near future and internet will be a hub for information sharing.
2018- Pornhub Survey

Who the flying fuck thought this was a good idea?
Could you not have used rails c/equivalent??
Doofus.

seagull management
| ˈsēˌɡəl manijmənt | noun

When managers are totally uninvolved in the work, but they just swoop down once in a while to shit all over everything. “This is wrong, and this, and this looks bad,” etc., before flying away again.

Hey here we go:)
My first comic series - “DevStory”

A story of two devs aiming at changing the world’s impact about cryptos by their own token project.

Bugs, cheap scammers, money, flying unicorns and a lot of laughs!
(Episode 1)

Watching WWDC 2018.

Apple : "We are introducing the latest breakthrough, new Technology"

.... me: woa, cure for cancer?

" Tongue Detection"
"Now your favorite animoji can do thissss 😝😝😝"

Wwhhhhhaaatt the actual flyiingggg fucckkk is thiisss? I thought there would be flying carssss in 2018,and this cancerous crap all apple got?

older clients are returning with my old projects and asking for improvements, I did buy a few very shitty scripts from the internet/ and used one of my friends custom php cms for the other client because I REALLY needed money and they needed the projects yesterday.

Now I'm looking at the code and can't start working because of how messy it all is, I want to remake it all with a good framework and system, but it would take too much time (and they want it fast) and they wouldn't want to pay for the improvements because what they have now works..

I guess the shit you throw out when you're younger does come flying back like a boomerang..

I needed a new laptop to work/study and found a suitable one on Lenovo's website...
25th of july :
- "your order has been placed... blablabla.. it will take approximately from 1 to 2 weeks to prepare and 3-5 days shipping.."
- hum... Ok.. seems long to just put RAM and SSD inside my laptop but alright..

31st of july :
- "unfortunately your order has been delayed, the new shipping date is estimated for August, 14"
- Fuck ! Ill be patient then.. hopefully it'll be ready earlier than that..

10th of August :
- "unfortunately your order has been delayed, the new shipping date is estimated for september, 7"
- WHAT THE FU.. ?!? YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO PUT 8 FUCKING GIGS OF RAM AND AN SSD PLEASE TELL ME ?!? IS IT A JOKE OR WHAT ?! I FLY ABROAD THE 17TH OF SEPTEMBER YOU BETTER SHIP MY LAPTOP IN TIME !!

I'm really mad now and thinking of cancelling the order.. I might have no time to test the laptop before flying.. FUCK !!

What the fucking fuck you bastard of an OS? Your fucking filthy "Copying" dialog box!

One of these days, I am gonna fuck you up in the ass so hard, you are gonna see Gates flying!

I am copying a file from CD in to my PC. At 97%, this shit hole of an OS says through it's fucking urine hole of a "Copying" dialog box: "An unexpected error is keeping you from copying this file. Try Again/Skip/Cancel"

Seriously?! It's 2018, and an unexpected error is keeping me from copying the file?! Where the fuck is your QA?

I, being an unreasonably optimistic human with this Billy fucker, click "Try Again".

What happens? You know very well what happens. This shit of an OS starts copying the file again! From 0%!

This is the second time, this bloody, filthy, fucking "Copying" dialog box has given me problems.

I am telling you, it's days are numbered in my PC. The countdown starts now.
.
.
.
It happened again! At fucking 97%! I just want to scream now.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

Am I the only person who gets by just fine without creating algorithm schemes, big indepth projects plans and whatnot?

I'm just fine with a to-do list, ex:
- add self-adjusting window paddings so shit doesn't start flying out

Got the cheapest laptop I could find that would run Windows mixed reality.

Installed Linux subsystem for Windows and Ubuntu.

Nothing but giant flying terminal windows across my view of a virtual Seascape.

This is my new home.

Security!

Offensive and defensive at both code and infrastructure levels.

So many times I see devs not give a flying pancake about security. Whether it be rolling integers for sql injection or permission guarding to prevent someone executing something they shouldn't.

Why is security in this industry always the last thing to be concerned about when it's the first thing that's going to kill your business.

😓

Today while trying to fix a bug, an actual bug came flying through the window and sat on my laptop. When I tried to make it flee, it went inside my laptop through the vent.

I guess now I have two bugs to deal with.

Was an aspiring 2nd grade student then, still a newbie in databases and stuff.

Managed to work with bossy motherfucker who didn't give a flying fuck about proper management, team culture, job roles and everything and treated people like shit.

The big boss wanted me to develop the ecommerce website that integrates with 1c (complete and utterly garbage buggy ass dbms with RUSSIAN SYNTAX, nuff said) and with its own crm to track every employee and even real time chat. He also wanted it to be a kind of online medical wikipedia. And he wanted me to take a professional photo of each and every fucking item for this website, somewhere around 5 thousand photos.

He offered me around 800 bucks for all that job. No, not monthly. He wanted me to do all that shit alone, for 800 bucks and expected it to be up and running in less than two months.

Gently told him to fuck off. Quit that job the same day.

*client comes to us "please take care of our app, it's ugly and the previous devs made it all buggy, especially the Android version"
*we write code, analyze bugs, fix them, QA them
*we deliver a preview
*client only looks at the iOS app, doesn't give a flying fuck to the Android app

"curl : The response content cannot be parsed because the Internet Explorer engine is not available, or Internet Explorer's first-launch configuration is not complete. Specify the UseBasicParsing parameter and try again."

Why the flying fuck do i have to configure some BS in internet explorer to use curl in Powershell? I thought IE was finaly dying, but nope!

Dear Comcast, why in the flying fuck is it necessary for you to bring down the entire network for five hours to do "routine maintenance." There's nothing routine about that.

I was nice to my college and lended him my old headphones, after his died.

3 months later he still hasn't fucking bought a new headset and he doesn't give a flying fuck about managing cables.

I am this die hard fan of  House, MD. A medical Based Drama TV series.

I find soo many similarity between how doctor House diagnosis patients and how we coders debug code.

Why the flying-fuck is there not a similar show for engineers?

Where engineer is followed closes as he debugs a problem? And saves the day?

Why god why.

I just pray for this miracle to happen.

(To start with Dr.House abused vicodin, we coders abuse caffeine and sudo chmod 777 :P )

> Laravel lets you create migrations to manage the state of the DB
> your colleague doesn't give a flying fuck, just raw SQL on the db to perform every change
> performed initial insertions without seeders, can't reproduce his db on my local environment
> can't even run migrations anymore 'cause it would break everything

Do one thing... That's where the trouble starts.

Yeah. Architecture and separation, these are the foundation.

If you don't do these two in a proper and sane way, you most likely end up with the rotten pile of shit most companies call micro services.

Hot glued unmaintainable mess of deprecated shit stapled together by a custom framework abomination cause no one gave a flying fuck to properly design it.

I see these things daily.

I write the reminders every week.

"Hey, lil retarded dev, you don't need that dependency, you can just use languages feature XY added in version XY"

"But that's how I always did it"

Moments where you want to apply violence from the category "inhumane".

Or even more retarded: Yeah it does everything that was written in that one epic that took 6 months with 30 devs to finish.

I sometimes really wonder how some people managed to survive till they got the job. Parents must have been pretty vigilant 24/7...

In reply to atheist in another rant ;)

Dear previous dev on this project,

I know that everyone loved you and still admires you for being so nice and having such a great knowledge. Please teach me your ways of achieving this level of popularity while writing big bowls of fucking flying spaghetti monster code with a bunch of hidden bugs and thousands of lines of unit tests that clearly never been used since it is literally impossible to run them thanks to missing mocks and overall bad design.

Teach me so I can become this person who shits big reeking piles in the office in front of everyone and even after leaving people still praise them for being exceptionally clean and sophisticated.

I don't know if I should cry or laugh...

Our CMS is a CMS as a Service. So, our providers, for me they all suck, everytime they make a development, everything breaks.

Today's flash news?

Well, basically any page containing some user-made dynamic objects are **empty**

But not only on our site, on their whole network of clients that use their CMS. Everything is broken.

They release new features (I should call them bugs rather) every week, and yesterday's update concerned these pages.

And for the record, they don't test. They wait that we come back and complain to see if their shitty development worked or did not.

This CMS is even worse than your first project in HTML - I mean, your first word document on your mama's computer when you were 3.

Seriously. What kind of non-quality is this?

Okay, I usually don't rant about Windows.
But why the flying fuck does it automatically pick a driver for RNDIS5 for a RNDIS6 device (USB tethering on Android devices)? It's hanging many parts of the systems until I change it to the right driver (which is not shown as compatible and warned against whilst being the only one that works). Seriously, I usually never have problems with Windows, but this is the only thing that annoys the fuck out of me with it.

!shortRant

You all complaining about shit code from coworkers and about fucking WordPress. Looks different, but know what? Answer is the same.
Money.
Let me explain.
For example, you were born in USA. You can choose any profession, and if you became pro - you will be payed great. Looks nice, isn't it?
But if you were born in Russia, India, somewhere in Africa, whatever, you can be businessman, coder or you can suck a dick to the end of you life.
Not that great, yeah?
You are looking around and see great people with their own dreams and talents. But then you ask them "to which faculty are you going?" Answer is obvious. And that's how shitcoders are born.
And yeah, about WordPress. I'm mobile developer, I just can't understand how awful it is (or not, idunno). The only thing I know - if I were PHP developer, I could earn twice more than now. But why I didn't choose that way? Because I REALLY LOVE MY WORK. Everyday is good, I'm working at weekends often, because I want.
So please, shut up. You could never work with WordPress, but you motherfucker CHOOSE IT. You could switch to node, go, Java. Why the flying fuck you didn't? Oh yeah, MONEY. So please, shut up.

Devrant isn't for crying girls complaining about shit they did themselves. (No sexism, just metaphor, sorry girls)

In the land of Kangaroos you can claim education expenses directly related to your profession on your tax return. I am developing a plug-in for X-Plane. Do you guys think I can claim costs of my flying school as "education to better understand flight characteristics so that my plug-in works better"?

For anyone who's interested, I'm building a six pack using round LCD displays and an Arduino

This is for all those people that like dark themes and when asked why you say it's because light attracts bugs.

I would like to explain how that is just so wrong. Bugs attracted to light are moths and a few other flying bugs.

The rest of the bugs live and thrive in darkeness. Cockroaches, bedbugs, spiders etc.

In fact mosquitoes hunt at night and prefer to hunt in the dark.

I just had to put this out there.

Flying back to NY for my last semester.
Don't know how to feel about it.
Let the job hunting begin!
Pssst... Please hire me

No commits?!? Well, maybe you should fucking make up your mind about what the fuck you actually want! I don't give a flying fuck about your pathetic excuses. If you don't get me a final spec, then don't try to skin my back about not delivering updates and "not showing active progress"!!! FFS!

So if anyone has visited slant.co they will know the website is overrun with this shit...

What the flying fuck is wrong with these people?

WFH!! // worst
I've been social distancing myself from everyone, I don't even know how to properly function amongst people anymore o.O
I have a meeting at the office today, I'm so anxious as if I'm applying for a job there..in a field I've never worked on..flying there with a choper for the first time, me flying it of course.. naked & already on fire o.O Oh & I'm also wearing sweatpants as nothing else fits anymore..yaaaay.... Can't wait.. :/

I have been very inactive in these last couple of months but I really need to rant right now:

I am working on a project, which is also part of a contest, with a few of my friends. I asked one of them to write a bit of code and some documentation about it, here's the result:

He wrote half a page of text with plenty of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors but here comes the even worse part:
Instead of just leaving the code in its own file he copied it into the word (libre office writer) file as well. Now I have got 3 pages of non-indented code with a few comments flying around here and there, weird variable names and a lot of commented out pieces of code.

Bloody hell I feel like I am the only one in this team taking this contest serious.

Note to self: Pointing your tests at a non disposable DB will cause very very bad things to happen. No idea what the flying fuck I was thinking - but praise to the data gods it wasn't a production elastic!

Hey Code-tards,

We're announcing a new update to our software `FUCK YOU` to include a new 'feature' no one asked and would give a FLYING FUCK about, but we were sitting on our MOTHERFUCKING ASSES and had to justify our salaries somehow.

So this new feature really just makes your life horrible by taking away or breaking all useful features you were PERFECTLY HAPPY with before, but FUCK YOU if you aren't happy with it and don't throw half of your salary our way every month.

Remember our library you were perfectly OK with, that u integrated in your codebase? DEPRECATED from this second onwards. WHY? BECAUSE FUCK YOU ! That's WHY.

Oh yeah, and one last thing before we make your life a living hellhole, give us your SSN, credit card(s) and mortgage payments to us, you money-hungry CUNT. Haven't you heard the phrase already? YOU WILL OWN NOTHING AND YOU WILL BE HAPPY.

Update on the bank I’m working for: their security is shit and the way they manage customer data and credentials is sickening. On top of it all, there’s about 10 windows XP computers still online not to mention the ATM is running Windows XP. What the flying fuck.

Why the heck does the C++ committee let Microsoft have so much influence over the language?
I mean they do not give a flying flamingo about language aesthetics!
No, no, we cannot have `typeof` in the C++ standard because Microsoft pulled `decltype` out of their nullptr.

WHY DOES GOOGLE CHROME CACHE THIS SHIT AND WON'T LOAD IT AGAIN. I THOUGHT I DIDN'T FIX THE BUG BUT GOOGLE CHROME IS THE BUG. THIS FLYING FUCK

So, seen this when I just arrived at work earlier this week. Made me think of COD. 😂 We hear them frequently flying over us all day.

Ok, who's the fucking retard that brought his quadcopter to the beach and is flying it around over people's heads?
Hope you land it in the sea and it burns to a crisp, you fucking moron!!

For my employers: Just go fuck yourself with your greed. I'm gonna start my own business and fail till it succeeds.

Signed,
A pissed overworked developer who doesn't give a flying fuck about your shitty product

Ugh, I know I sound like an u grateful little brat, but summer holidays just aren't for me.
I hate wasting my time on the beach.
I hate the feeling of skin burn.
I fucking despise people that don't give a flying fuck about other's comfort and blast Disco Polo on their own JBL speakers. Even though there's music provided by the hotel.
Also babies, babies everywhere, crying and dashing around. My head hurts when I think about flying back. And I LIKE airplanes. But not when every baby and their mothers are crying on the top of their lungs.
Winter is so much better. Skiing is great and I don't have to worry all the time about getting skin cancer.

What the flying fuck? I'm new to PHP but I'm sure this is isn't supposed to be like this. :O

Just reminiscing when back in the "old days" video games had cheats built in...

Proton men and the flying Dutchman IN AOE3...

Now have to find hackers to create trainer apps that change values in memory and bypass cheat detection...

I just realised:
Why make flying cars, when you can land a fucking rocket
*very excited about FH*

On a more positive note, after reading that facebook set a ton posts and pictures to public "accidentally" - I finally deleted my near old age, never used facebook account, that I was tbh just too lazy to delete or thought I'd sometime have some value looking back to people I haven't talked to in multiple decades and couldn't give a flying fuck about

Before that I downloaded "all" (tbh what did I expect, there's not even a folder like "tagged in", which obv. is data they have too) the data they collected for the time, that I did use it and I am glad basically all creepy named folders had nothing in them, like e.g. phone call logs, since I never as far as I remember installed the app on my phones

btw: does somebody know what happened to @nanos? he seemed to have just disappeared

So regarding the current "controversy" about shitposting and getting downvoted as a result.

You lot do realize that you're on the fucking internet right?
Beefing it out in the comments won't help the issue at hand and your opinions do not matter to your "opponent".

Just fucking stop nobody gives a flying fuck.
I mean I technically do as per I'm ranting about this but my god Just cease.

12:55 AM, Subject gets and decides to look at crude oil chart.
1:05 AM, At it.
1:10 AM, Subject decides to check the temperature, using laptop screen in dark.
1:12 AM, Does a wild aerobic move to save flying laptop.
1:13 AM, Finds out that screen is gone.
1:23 AM, Orders new screen.
1:26 AM, Types this rant.

My duck is going to be flying alongside a plane to the Cayman Islands!!

New models of LLM have realized they can cut bit rates and still gain relative efficiency by increasing size. They figured out its actually worth it.

However, and theres a caveat, under 4bit quantization and it loses a *lot* of quality (high perplexity). Essentially, without new quantization techniques, they're out of runway. The only direction they can go from here is better Lora implementations/architecture, better base models, and larger models themselves.

I do see one improvement though.
By taking the same underlying model, and reducing it to 3, 2, or even 1 bit, assuming the distribution is bit-agnotic (even if the output isn't), the smaller network acts as an inverted-supervisor.

In otherwords the larger model is likely to be *more precise and accurate* than a bitsize-handicapped one of equivalent parameter count. Sufficient sampling would, in otherwords, allow the 4-bit quantization model to train against a lower bit quantization of itself, on the theory that its hard to generate a correct (low perpelixyt, low loss) answer or sample, but *easy* to generate one thats wrong.
And if you have a model of higher accuracy, and a version that has a much lower accuracy relative to the baseline, you should be able to effectively bootstrap the better model.

This is similar to the approach of alphago playing against itself, or how certain drones autohover, where they calculate the wrong flight path first (looking for high loss) because its simpler, and then calculating relative to that to get the "wrong" answer.

If crashing is flying with style, failing at crashing is *flying* with style.

Why the flying fuck does one indent Java code with two spaces? Coding standards exist for a reason, for fuck's sake!

When you miss a couple of days of work and get back to find out management has decided to do a complete redesign of the redesign you just redesigned! What the flying fuck!

FMDL

For context, I'm a web dev student. One of my modules is UX.

These are my exam questions.

Now, please tell me HOW THE FLYING FUCK this is relevant to WEB DEVELOPMENT?

Seriously, I get studying UI, but uncanny valley; really??

Fuckin' hate being a student. Give me a job.

air control: there's a war there, pls avoid flying over this area
Indians:

Well, a customer is flying in tomorrow from 350km away because of a Bug in my system. Whoops

Wanted to have Samsung Dex for work, so I can run office on it and kick windows from my dual boot laptop.
Dex pad was on sale.
Bought it.
Brought it to work.
Work monitor doesn't have hdmi.
...
fuck. <.<
I'll ask the technician later if he either has a monitor flying around he doesn't need or an adapter or something.