My weirdest ever co-worker was a man who called himself "the code" and wrote exclusively JavaScript.

Non dev co-workers: Dude add us on Facebook.

Me: I don't have Facebook.

Non dev co-workers: Instagram?

Me: I don't use Instagram.

Non dev co-workers: Oook, what about Twitter?

Me: I deactivated my account permanently long ago.

Non dev co-workers: Huh? So what the heck are you always looking at on your phone laughing and stuff?

Me: devRant!

Non dev co-workers: Huh?

Me: DEVRANT!! (*shows them devRant*)

Non dev co-workers: What the heck is that?

One of the co-workers: guys, he's a hacker.

Me: *face palm*

Co-worker presented her work by sharing her screen. She forgot to unshare.

She proceeded to open Chrome and search: "Can I sue co-worker if I get coronavirus because he coughed?"

Another employee said: "Your screen is showing" :/

fuck!!! today I have fallen for the windows is updating prank
Co workers opened the fake windows update website, disconnected the keyboard and mouse
let's just say I sat there for a really loooong time.. cursing windows

Me and co-worker, working with firebase.

Co-worker: Hey man, I need the private key for the server.

Me: Why?

Co-worker: I need to put it in the client so that I can authenticate.

Me: No.

Co-worker: But this guide tells me ...

Me: No

Co-worker: ... that I need it to create tokens so I can log in.

Me: ... No.

Co-worker: But the guide..

Me: If the guide would ask you to kill yourself, would you?

Co-worker: No but..

*I walk over*

Me: This isn't even related to what we are doing. You can see it in the title.

Me: Did you read the title of this post?

Co-worker: No.

Everytime I throw my stress ball (and miss...because sports are hard) at a co-worker, they ALWAYS think I'm throwing an orange at them.

Best prank on me: Airborne under my chair rigged to go off when I sit.

Best prank I pulled: Recorded my laugh and assigned it as everyone's office ringtone. I still have co-workers check their phone when I laugh.

Finally I found the community where the developers feel happy, pity & LOL for each others delight and distress.

Thanks <devRant&&Co*in>

Weirdest co-worker was a loner(he prefers to be left alone) and he has no social skills.
One day, everyone in the office received an invitation letter. All of us were invited to our weirdest co-worker's wedding!

After that, everyone became his friend :)

Co-worker: Hey man, what's up with your code?

Me: What do you mean bro?

Co-worker: It's generic man...

Me: Isn't it supposed to be like that?

Co-worker: Yeah...

Me: ... so what's this about?

Co-worker: hmmm... Mine is kinda specific, do you mind changing it so that it can work well with mine??

Me: That's why I made it generic though

Co-worker: yeah I see that and I dnt want mine to be and we have a deadline tomorrow. I already pushed mine to develop so, happy fun-time while modifying your code to accommodate mine...

Me: *fuuxuuuuuuuuuuuux*

I think the best I saw was a co-worker scripted a file so that every time the manager typed the computer would play painful screaming sounds and then thank her when she stopped typing.

Co-worker Pranks #281: Write a program to capture keyboard input and instead output "fucking" after every "the" they type.

i.e. Can you push the fucking most recent commits

Do you want the fucking paperwork today, bossman

I can't do that today, the fucking coffee machine is not working

Trying to concentrate. Co-worker from another room standing there, BLA BLA BLA, and she's fucking LOUD. But she hates coldness, and it's below 0 °C outside.

So I open two windows, and guess who instantly leaves! Now it's cold, but SILENT. HAR HAR!

Me teaching a co-worker programming.
Him:"So what exactly is the difference between Java and JavaScript?"
Me:"About the same as the difference between cars and carpets."
Thank you guys for teaching me how to answer that.

As a full time remote employee it gets lonely. Im getting ready to turn my home into a co-working space :

* Plenty of space with tables and couches

* Gigabit Internet backed by enterprise networking gear

* Lots of fresh ground coffee

* Local Kubernetes server !

* dog friendly chill space

* kid friendly play areas during the summer

* Mountain home with backyard hiking trails , wildlife lookout (wild deer live in my back yard), and fireplaces

What else would you want in your co-work space-at-my-place (TM)?

When your floor names a room Galileo and you have @bachmanity as a co-worker...

Went to make a change for a customer today and ran across this lovely HTML that co-worker wrote.

Me and co-worker troubleshooting why he can't run the docker container for database.

Me: Check if the port is busy.

Co-worker: To my knowledge, it isn't.

Me: Strange, it just works fine for me and everyone else.

Me: And you're sure you didn't already start it previously?

*We verify that it isn't running*

Me: I'm pretty sure the port is busy from that error message. Try another port.

Co-worker: Already did, it didn't work.

Me: And by any chance restarting your machine won't solve anything?

*It doesn't solve anything*

Me: Alright, I have some work to do, but I'll get back to this. Tell me if you find a solution.

Co-worker: Alright.

*** Time passes, when I get back he has switched to windows, dualboot, same machine ***

Me: I don't think you'll have a better time running the docker image on windows.

Co-worker: Oh, that's not what I'm looking for. You see, I had a database on my windows partition recently and I thought maybe thats why it won't start.

Me (screaming internally) : WTF ARE YOU STUPID, WINDOWS AND LINUX ISNT RUNNING AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME.

Me (actually saying): I don't think computers work like that.

Co-worker: My computer is magical. It does strange things.

Me: That's a logical conclusion.

*** More time passes ***

Co-worker solves the problem. The port was busy because Ubuntu was already running PostgreSQL on that port.

Third co-worker shimes in: Oh yeah, I had the exact same problem and it took me a long time to solve it.

Everyone is sitting in arms reach of each other.

So not only was I right from the start. Someone else heard this whole conversation and didn't chime in with his solution. And the troubleshooting step of booting into windows and looking if a database is running there ???? Wtf

Why was I put on this Earth?

A long time ago on a project far far away, I didn't realize there was a src folder, and made my changes in the build folder instead... And to makes matters worse, I asked a co-worker -- an ex-Googler -- for help with the issue I was working on.

Rarely have I been more embarrassed.

By far the best co-worker. She's doesn't bitch and complain or make excuses.
And let's be honest, she's cute as fuck.

It's strange what you can learn when you have too much deadtime.

Last week I learned balloon twisting through youtube videos. A co-worker and I decorated the desk of a co-worker for her birthday.

I made her this balloon throne (from Game of Thrones). Notice that I was soooooo bored.

She loved it ^_^

Co-worker: "We would appreciate it if your future commits weren't so ignorant and bigoted"
Me: "Excuse me?"
Co-worker: "You made the gender variable a boolean"
I... But... Okay...

Found in the trash. Powered up fine and I spent a good half an hour reliving one of the greatest interfaces created (co-operative multitasking notwithstanding). That said, I couldn't find a site that Netscape Navigator would connect to other than example.com.

Installing "Hannah Montana Linux" on a co-worker's pc after they left it unlocked and went home for the weekend.

Best co-workers? Umm, does Google and stackoverflow count?
Coz I am sole IT guy in my company....

Favorite co-worker conversations:

Guy 1: PHP can be plenty fast! Just put in APC, Memcached, and Varnish and you can handle just about any load.

Guy 2: So you're saying PHP is fast when it doesn't run.

"We should use ambiguity-driven development using co-domain model sockets, anfractuous horizontal scaling, and recursive async testing"

"What even is that"

"I found some words I like in the dictionary, and used it as the title for a medium article. I thought that's how we play the game as devs these days"

Notice :

All the beloved citizens are hereby informed that such RFID chips will be available for everyone soon and it is an honest request to everyone to get these implants as soon as possible.

Thank you for Co-operating, Have a nice day :)

When you and your dev co-founder pitch your startup idea to an angel investor.

I'm reluctant to introduce devRant to my co-workers because I'm worried they might connect the dots and realize I've been complaining about them :/

I studied at an Art School and my co-ordinator liked to screw with students. He set up a short-notice meeting with himself, myself and an audio guy (to work on our game).

I didn't know any of this however and my co-ordinator opened with: "He's a photographer looking for a lean Male to do a nude art shoot."....... I'm pretty confident person and I thought he was serious so I agreed to it.

He wasn't serious and it became an interesting start to the meeting.

me and my co-workers: "lmao lets see if this github copilot is so great as they claim"

copilot: *solves issue we've been working on for 8 hours, in 10 seconds*

me and my co-workers:
(┛ಠ_ಠ)┛彡┻━┻

From a co-worker:
That feeling of fear, when you gave your girlfriend the password to your PC, and after a few days she asks you "what's up with that 'sudo' thingy you type in all the time?"...

Is there an online course for common sense and logic my fucking co-workers need it

Was a co-lead on the first project to add image recognition to ATMs for depositing checks. Turns out, it was a pretty OK idea and people liked it.

#4 Worst thing I've seen a co-worker do?

Not a direct co-worker, during a fire drill, a call center manger told all the agents to ignore the alarm and keep working.

My co-worker not only doesn't create unit tests, he comment out my own unit tests after he changes the code and the test breaks.

A co-worker reads my devRant about him and comes to my office to rant in person.

Any folks willing to join the GIT family in devrant...
Steps to join:
Change username with prefix "git" followed by your favorite available commands..
Example: gitpush(already taken and co-founder of this gang), gitpull

Got fired in an email by the boss himself, because according to him I was doing poorly and we had to part ways. He couldn't even spend 10 minutes to say this in person. Maybe the funniest thing is that it was written in Translit (i.e. using Latin letters to write something that should not use Latin letters) with a lot of errors, and this is a guy who has founded several successful companies. This is one of two co-owners of the company, i.e. the business-oriented one, and the tech guy (the other co-owner) had left some months prior to that. I'm mostly glad that I had to leave.

I got in an argument with a co worker, she says that mass surveillance programs are "none of my business" and I shouldn't care how they operate.

ACTUALLY, ACCORDING TO GOOGLE IT IS MY BUSINESS.

I finally got my co workers to use phpstorm and they made this

!Rant: The collection is complete! Stress balls and stickers all the way here in Trinidad and Tobago. Thanks @dfox and co.

Context: a co-worker had sent an email and was worried about possible collateral damage.

Co-worker: uhm, you know how it is when something just doesn't feel right?

Me: sure, every time I clock in here.

Is it strange that I'm getting more constructive advice from the Devrant community than the co-workers around me?

No lie, I discovered gistboxapp, vue.js, hacker noon and a bunch of other cool stuff through here.

I am actually consider buying a rubber duck from devrant

To support them but mostly

when I need help, pretend that using the duck don't work so I need another rubbr duck and ask a co-worker to help me

yeah I'm a bitch

*based on a true story*

Co-worker: Let's release it
Me: Wait, I want to add just a little feature
Co-worker: Is it necessary?
Me: Trust me

*5 minutes later*

Co-worker: So, have you finished implementing your "little feature"?
Me: Yeah, well, it's done. Maybe.
Co-worker: What the hell have you done?
Me: MAYBE I've added 647 lines of codes to the file to implement my little feature, MAYBE it doesn't works and MAYBE the entire project is compromised
Co-worker: ah

Our company Nerf wars got a little rowdy one year, and a co-worker knocked over a (senior citizen) co-worker just to “win”. Like full on take down body slam. So much for no physical contact.

Funniest meeting ever!

Some years ago, there was the regular department meeting where useless news from upper management were handed down. The team I was in was also there: team lead, co-worker and me. The team lead had a new girl and was daydreaming of their nights, my co-worker wasn't quite back from the football match on the weekend, and I was playing chess on my mobile.

Department lead was blah blah blah and when can we do this on your rig? We looked at each other and instantly realised that none had been paying attention.

My co-worker was the fastest to recover and straight-facedly turned to me: "Well Fast-Nop, that's your domain."

I picked the ball up before team lead could say something: "Sure, but schedule appointment is for our lead."

Our lead couldn't contradict us and then had to negotiate a schedule while trying to find out what it was about. *LOL*

Having a co-worker who I consistently must support with using the basic funionaity of our software, getting me dragged in to a senior management meeting to tell me and my boss that I am too incompetent to do my job. All because something out of my control was taking longer than they would have liked.

This same co-worker deleted a folder on a server full of live data because they "wanted to see what it would do" then wondered why I revoked their Admin rights to that folder.

I want to scream at them every day.

I'm OK with C language, but I refuse to learn Shell. My co-workers who use shell don't talk to anyone and look like zombies. Hell no. I don't even know their names after working 2 months together. Fire me.

Story when I worked as a 1st line technician:

Customer: "Yes hello, I'm trying to install Windows as instructed, but the installer is not starting"

Me: "Ok, have you tried pressing [button] at the bootscreen?"

C: "Yes, over and over, still nothing happens"

This was actually one of my first calls, so my co-worker stepped in to help while I listened.

Co-worker: "okay, so when you rebooted the computer, press [button] and tell me what happens"

C: "....okay, I think it's starting"

Co-w: "Great! I'll just wait until it's running"

A minute goes by, installer seems to be running, but then we hear a loud BEEP. It's so loud another coworker hears it from his desk, through our headsets. A moment goes by, and it BEEPS again. Then the sound begins again, but doesn't stop. It's like an air horn at full blow. We ask the customer what he's doing, but he cannot hear us over the constant beep. We're brainstorming what it could be, when he finally says something:

"CAN.. LET.. OF.."

Co-w: "WHAT???"

"CAN I LET GO OF THE BUTTON??"

-----
I think we laughed the whole day

Scenario 1:
Me: *cover both ears with headphones, start listening to vicious metal, look angry, busy and determined*
Co-workers: "Oh hey! I need to understand ____"
Me: "Fuuuuu..."

Scenario 2:
Me: *place headphones on one ear, listen to gentle, approachable music at low volume with smile on face*
Co-workers: *crickets for hours*
Me: Fucking seriously? *commence Scenario 1*

Our co worker name is Blas Ortíz and we made this

Getting tired of certain co-workers under-delivering. They commit an entire release to one feature and my team plans our release expecting we'll be able to use his changes by the end and then on the last day of development he decides more testing is needed and it won't be finished until next release. Come on, man!

I have a co-worker that sits near me for the last 4 years, and every time that I'm on the phone or talking with someone he is like "shhh! Do it somewhere else!" :S

That annoying co-worker that asks you each and everything about programming and when you tell them, they be like "Oh I already knew that"

WTF Bitch!

!Rant

> Go to co-workers working machine
> install tmux and mps-youtube
> play very subtle sounds from console
> close console but keep session running with tmux
> watch coworker go insane because he can't detect the sound source

How to make your coworker go insane in 5 easy Steps

I don't care what idea you have. I am not joining your "startup" as a technical co-founder. I too wish I could go to the store and buy bread with fucking equity

I have a co-worker that thinks that whole world is a big conspiracy theory and the earth is flat. And this weirdo is a dev... FML

Today in the office, a co-worker and me had a synchronised rant. Both sitting at each our desks, and independently of each other, he suddenly cursed "I hate text fields" while I burst out "network, piece of shit!"

Jesus Fuck, is it so hard to slap a motherfucking 'Delete Account' button somewhere on that trashpile of 5000 different Javascript-frameworks and bootstrap you call website?!
No I don't want to deactivate it, I want you to DELETE all the information you have on me, preferably without having to fucking beg some low-life suppport agent in India (no offense intended) via E-Mail to do his goddamn duty...

So I'm a perfectionist, especially when with code, smells, solid, design patterns, naming conventions, etc and I be have this co-worker that blackmails me every time he doesn't want to do something saying "I don't know it so my code is gonna be ugly".

Once caught my co-worker masturbaed in a zoom meeting, without realising the webcam and mic weren't off.

So I trolled one of my co-workers who has an iPhone saying "Buy a real phone" .. and now people are picking that around the office and throwing it at everyone who uses Apple products .. "buy a real laptop".. etc

So my co-worker refuses to use Interface in Go because he dislikes php and interface is "the php way to do things". Anyone with experience dealing with this kind of ignorance?

This is really creepy. Yesterday I was talking to my parents about buying a Thermosteel flask. Today I opened Amazon and this is what I see.. (attached pic)
I am pretty sure, I didn't looked for it even on Google.
It may be co-incidence but still..

Co-worker: Why are you deleting this piece of code?

Me: It's deprecated and it can be made in a better way. Don't worry, I know what I'm doing

Also me: OH SHIT THE ENTIRE PROJECT IT'S RUINED

When you want to tell your co workers and your boss about devRant, but don't want them to know you're ranting about them. 😕

so my co-worker uses emojis in comments
ex:
// i don't know what's this i just copied it from stackoverflow and it works 😂

*at work*

co-worker: what are u doing?

me: programming and learning

co-worker: but school has just started... u guys havent learnt anything yet

me: thats the great thing about programming, everything is already in the internet waiting to be read and learned. try it next time ;)

co-worker: learning out of school, no thanks

A co-worker doesn't like to use async/await operators, so he's always changing the code to use promises and callbacks and apparently async functions whitout awaits...

How the duck do those girls (co-interns) get to play shitty songs annoyingly loudly on speakers while we're trying to do important work and nobody says anything??

If that's the case, then I'll start blasting heavy metal at the same time 😎🤘 and see who gets annoyed..

That would be a good showdown 😈

Discrete mathematics teacher said "13*37" in the middle of an Euclidean algorithm.
Half the class giggled and the other half just sighed.

These students are your future co-workers.

Haven't coded for a few days, returned to my github project to find one of my co-workers has gone through every single line in all of the scripts and added passive-agrresivd, sarcastic, comments about what they do.

Thanks.... I guess....

When you decide to cover for a co-worker and end up having to face a disciplinary meeting ...

Co-employee in Slack: Let's get this bread

*1 hour later*

That guy: Bread has been acquired

Meanwhile me: *Forgot to eat breakfast and read the sentence wrong*

God I wish I was that guy

Doing a code review for a co-worker in a different country

The requirement was to dynamically show a field; they didn't understand it and thus they removed the field.

FML.

*Client calls and asks for a restful api in php*
Me: So the client called and asked for a restful service specifically in php
Co-worker: I'm gonna write it in python.
Me: *disowns co-worker*

The best kind of team work.

Dialogue when I entered the room of a co-worker, and it wasn't an individual office.

Me: YO MAMA her son bitching 'bout compiler licence?
Him: Kiss my ass!
Me: Could cram a wet roll of toilet paper down your pants.
Him: Yeah that'd come pretty close.

Other co-workers: WTF?

What's the funniest advice you've ever received from a co-worker?

Mine is: "Always code like someone with a short temper and a machete will be reviewing your code"

A co-worker on a gigantic PR i made:

"the worst thing about this pr is that while i was reviewing it, I forgot about my coffee and it turned cold. Otherwise good job!"

Everyone is saying just how terribly awful certain co-workers have been, and I just feel really, really glad for mine right now.

Here's to productive, sane co-workers!

I was talking with some of my co-workers about the rise of all these package managers (and one I came across for Windows), and this thought occurred in my silly head:

*Me testing my api with vue.js*

Me: can you please update salesforce content and add new image.

Coworker: Done,image updated:

Me: did you click the sync button? Image seems to be not loading.

Co-worker: why don't you clear your browsing history and clear your cache.

Me: (talking to myself: you are asking me to clear my cache? ME? ME? ME?) Smiles back to coworker.

Co-worker: Did it work?

Me: Nope! Seems to it that you have not sync the content on salesforce. Please hit the sync button.

Co-worker: I did!

Me: I ask co-worker B he said content is not sync.

We are probably reading alot of "this co-worker was so bad because blah blah blah..." from people who actualy were the real shitty co-worker and are still blaming others for his/hers mistakes.
Not a week rant that i can trust...

I've cought a case of "My co-workers copy my code and then get credit for it".

I hate Python.

Deploying it is annoying, and the fact that I basically need to create another Python instance via 'virtualenv' only so that projects can co-exist without dependency-issues is maddening.

I would be greatfull for Python 3.6+ at least, but NO we're stuck on Python 2.7

When your offshore co-worker pronounces your colleagues' names like this :|

Hardik - HARD DICK
Dipesh - DEEP ASS
Pinkesh - PINK ASS

"So DeepAss and PinkAss are handling Backend and Harddick is Frontend right"
Me: right 😁😁

When a co working waves his hand at you every 5 minutes to get your attention and you have your headphones in and try to not see the waves because you know it's just going to be you coding his function for them

I was having fun, when I aliased my co worker cd="exit", he spent his whole day on fixing it and decided to install os again. damn poor :/

Time is money.
…and you get what you pay for.

–My co-worker

Does any one else make all their screens super red and very dim or is that just me? My co workers think I'm crazy.
I'm afraid of blue light, immediate headache.

!rant

So me and my co-worker are allways joking about how many absourd JS-Libaries are out there. We say random words with "JS" at the end.

We are currently experiencing, that this on going joke is not a fucking joke. It's true!

(Example below, with Quack/DuckJS)

The moment when it's absolutely quiet in the office and you accidentally make a weird sound with your mouth and then make the sound over and over again so co-workers don't think you farted......

I asked a co founder of a tech startup, "Why use MEAN stack? " his reaction \_(ツ)_/¯ because it's cool and famous.
STOP TRYING TO USE THINGS WHICH ARE COOL YOU'RE MAKING SOFTWARES NOT MOVIES

Co-Workers. When I see their bad code and instantly know: "No, that's not the way to do it."

That moment when you teaching your coworkers about vba:
Me: and you close the formula with a curly bracket
Co-worker: Wow that's easy, and you say coding is hard
Me: you're right, here try to learn Java

Worst disturbance is co worker microwaving eggs for breakfast and then eating them at his desk.

One thing about microwaved eggs cause the egg smell to be intensified like 100x

Have you ever been this frustrated?

when you have a ton of bugs to resolve and short deadline to catch and suddenly you get infinite git conflicts because of your co-worker's stupidity..

Pick fun and enjoyment over money. I make considerably less than I could somewhere else, but I enjoy doing it.

Good and friendly co-workers are also a huge plus.

Axioms of writing software for your own business
(or working on your own projects that actually have to get produced in the real world)

Axiom #37: It is always a lot more fun to start something new, then to finish the thing that *was* new and exciting when you last tried to finish a thing.

When your co developer asks for you to check out her website and tell her any bugs you notice, I then proceed to give her 8 bugs in her code and she freaks out on me lol

Maybe your not as perfect as you think you are....

Last time, working on a project with two mates at school.

I'm the one who knows how to read and understand correctly a doc for low-level c libraries (portaudio, opus) and working on sockets.

I make the barebone of our server. Co-workers should work on socket client.

After a week, the socket client is ugly, and almost unusable.
I rewrite the socket client in two days.

Co-worker, for a week : "the only contribution of Orionss is deleting my code" (it wasn't the first time)

In these moments, I would like to kill this guy

When you just figured out a fix for a bug, your on your way to the fix, but suddenly your co-worker asks everyone in the room "Would you rather be on a helicopter or airplane that lost all power". Then you get into a 10 minute discussion about which and why, and now that bug is permanent.

Today at 'Derp & Co' a fellow co-worker decided that had duplicated data on Relational DB is good!

- Dev: 'but what if we have 2 companies in diferents groups?''

- co-worker: 'Just call it company A and Company B'

- Dev: 'but... this is not what...'

- co-worker: 'Trust me Dev, is the easy way'

I want the professional way, not the easy (and damn wrong) way :(, I can't improve myself like this.

Also, dead line is here too... TT^TT
Last sprint and still with doubts about the DB structure.

"One of my most productive days was throwing away 1,000 lines of code." - Ken Thompson (co-creator of Unix and Go)

I had a weird dream last night: at the office, my co-worker sliding a wide rubber band over my cup of coffee up and down 🤔☕

Put soap around (not inside!) the mug of your co-workers and watch them try to pick up the cup.

I was working late one day and a "dumb" co-worker and another co-worker who work later than me were both there. "Dumb" co-worker was a few feet from me and the other co-worker didn't know I was working late that day. So she comes out of the break room and says "Oh, Team Manager, you're still here?"
I jokingly say "No, I left!"

Honest to god, "dumb" co-worker jumps out of her seat and says "HE'S LYING, HE'S STILL HERE."

Sometimes I read a rant on here, and I swear its a co-worker of mine that's written it since I've heard him make almost the exact same rant....

When you set up a process and find out a co-worker has been ignoring said process for weeks resulting in a lot of the wrong computers being replaced with new ones and leaving a lot of old computers out in the wild.

When you show a co worker dev rant and he goes all 404. While sitting next to you.

Co-worker is in his office.
Co-worker whistles continuously "The rains of Castamere" from the Game of Thrones series.
I like Game of Thrones.
I also like the series' score.
But not the way my co-worker interprets it.
Because it's wrong.
Anyway, he whistles.
Sometimes louder, sometimes less so.
It's very out of tune.
It's annoying.
I can't concentrate, let alone code.
Co-worker goes to a meeting.
Silence.
I delete the bullshit I've written earlier.
Then, I get some coding done.
Then, I'm relaxed again.
Then, Co-worker returns.
Now he hums.
It's the same song.
Over and over again.
Again.
It's not that much out of tune, but it's still annoying.
I can't think, I can't concentrate, let alone code.

My thoughts drift to a certain Red Wedding.
I imagine it in vivid detail.
Strangely, it's a happy place right now.
I imagine throwing my screen through two fucking walls.
I don't do it, because the laws of physics are against me.
But the thought is enough.
I'm at peace, again.

... also, I got to leave early today, so I got that going for me which is nice.

(I already had to tell that co-worker *not* to whistle loudly in the cafeteria - you can hear it in a big part of the building. We had some important customers over and Office Management was not amused.)

Co-worker: At my last job "I was technically lead dev", so don't mind me telling you what to do and criticizing every line of code you write. (He said that in finger quotes. I am also paraphrasing the last part, but you get the gist).

Me: So the fact that we are both level 3 programmers means nothing?

Co-worker: Exactly! See you understand!

Me in my mind: What a prick!

Just a little context there aren't any lead devs at our company, our boss doesn't want any. Also we have been working at this company together for 3 years, and this co-worker just said that to me today, WTF?

🤔 What if my co-workers see my rant on devRant and recognize that I'm ranting about the project that we're building together? Might be awkward *thinking

How to get bad co-workers out of your company (if your company uses git and Linux)
Alias push to push --force

Why do co workers find it acceptable to eat and type on their keyboard with greasy fingers and then go on to ask for help only to realise that my fingers are wet / greasy seconds later.... eugh

Debugged a complex bug at 10 PM, drunk and eating potato wedges, while on the phone with another drunk co worker.

Woke up next morning and had no memory of the fix.

Handsome co-workers in my visual range distract me from my tasks...
I need to get back in shape and start the dating game again... :'(

My current co-worker takes this prize. He's quiet, good at what he does and only communicated with me when absolutely necessary or when we are both obviously on some down time. Cheers to you, mate!

when there was a client who was complaining about something and my co-worker told him that we'll fix the issues. my co-worker wrote it down and decided to fix it later. he never told us about it. he never even mentioned about that encounter. then one day, i was at work alone. the cliente went in and said, "is it fixed already?" and of course, i asked what was fixed. i checked it out and found out the issue was not fixed and it has already been a month. the client was so pissed off and started yelling at me like im the one who was at fault. in fact, the client stayed there for over an hour just to watch me fix it.

i didnt talk to my co-worker for a week because of that. everything he does just pisses me off from that moment on. he arrives late most of the time and he takes more breaks than anyone else. he fixes issues less than anyone else. i swear to god, if the company wasnt his family's, he wouldnt be able to find a decent job with how he acts.

I swear my co worker said we were meeting at the data center at 10pm all week! I call him and he says 10:30. Wtf?!!! Well guess I got some time to read more rants.

When you get pulled into a co-workers project before Christmas and then he takes holidays forcing you to do overtime to finish his project... that's just great

I asked my former boss for some clarification via mail. Given a table, I was supposed to edit some user info in the company system. Had some questions on a few entries only my boss could answer.
Boss would organize a meeting, also inviting a more experienced co-worker I worked with. When the meeting starts, I get to know that my boss will join in a few minutes..... few minutes later, boss cancels the meeting. So it's me and the co-worker, who cannot answer my questions.
A simple mail could've solved it...

My former co-worker was sitting right next to me and one day he bought Das Keyboard. He was so kind giving me a pair of earplugs.

When coworkers leave the co. for a better paying job and leave this kind of code after themselves:

int foo = 1;
String.format("blabla %s", Integer.toString(foo));

fml

During the summer I was part of a three person brand new software team. One of my co-workers had a rubber duck, and explained rubber duck debugging. I brought in my own duck and it turned out to be identical to hers. On the last day I left my duck there with my other co-worker, so now they will both have ducks to talk to when nothing works! 🐤🚫🐛

A co-worker was running into a little permission issue with some dependencies and my reflex was to say, "chmod dat hoe!".

Comment your code ! Co workers and your future self will appreciate ! #wk26

So I'm working our remote build/testing server, and all of a sudden my computer just turns off. No crash message, no error, just turned off. My co-worker tries to help troubleshoot the problem.

Nothing.

I take the computer downstairs to the hardware department. They plug it in and it starts no problems.

After it finishes updating, I take it back upstairs and plug it back in.

Nothing.

I suggest that it is the power cable, and my co-worker looks under his desk. Turns out he had kicked the switch on the surge protector. 😑

So one of my co-partner in a website development business we started, took up back end responsibilities from me, didn't complete a simple form handling in 3 months and then complained the 3rd partner that it was my work and I didn't do it and now I am the bad guy.
FUCK YOU BRO!

Oh thank god for coffee.

Having one of those days where every slight criticism feels like a personal attack (they're not, I have very nice co-workers) and every small task makes me want to just go back to bed because I'm so useless...

Dear Recruiters on LinkedIn and Co. Would you find it in your hearth to not harass me anymore?

I don't care for your half-assed bullshit job offers and I don't want 5 of them per day, you are not professional.

Leave me alone!

It's really strange being an intern at a company, and having 95% of your co-workers be 5-10+ years older than you. The age gap makes it feel hard to communicate and make any friends. :/

Pair programming, hands down. I enjoy the hell out of it but it leaves me mentally and emotionally drained by the end of the day. My co-workers echo this sentiment so I know it's not just me.

Me - "Designs and creates a new staff page for work"

Result - "everyone at work loves it"

Me - "I feel really accomplished"

Co-worker - "I'm gonna use this design, that you made, for my interviews for jobs and say I made it"

Me - "wtf"

Best co-worker quitting story? A co-worker quit, another co-worker quit, and eventually I quit, too :-)

Still happy to be my own boss ever since!

Where's the shit wind gone?

My best co-worker and teamplayer in games. Unlike like his stupid wireless brother, this buddy is cheap, super-efficient and literally a Genius with capital G.

Coworker:Awe..
Fuck me...
Fuck fuck.... I fucked up...This fucking url..

..... Fuck. ... Pages

Me. What's going on buddy
Co worker: pages are down
Me: that sucks bro watchu do

Co worker: nothing too bad

Me: 😕 .. ok..

..... I'm still hearing the "fuuhhhcks" , and groans.

Guess who's delivering the news ... Does dev rants give stress beers.

FMDL when your equal co developer thinks she's your boss and tried to dictate your work load and flow.

When your PR has been sitting for days, and your co-worker submits a PR for the same thing and merges it right away.

I was testing a change on my local copy of our companies calendar application under my co workers account because he has different settings.
Turns out email notifications are working, and I've been spamming people about fake events under my co workers name.
Whoops

Spent 2 hours trying get ng-model working with <select> with no success. Then co worker came and changed model from string to object and moon walked back to his seat.

50% of my work is passed by my co-workers as their work

99% of my work comes from StackOverflow and GitHub

At least, I take public domain work

My co-worker had to add some small feature, and while at it, he thought it’s a good idea to “refactor” the entire repo.

Now the code is over-modularized and full of disconnected 100 line files, just for the sake of modularity.

Sometimes less is more

Sometimes I look at my co-worker's code and want to vomit. My poor eyes. Also loves to tell me something should work and hasn't tested it...

Caused my first regression. Being sarcastically congratulated by co workers. Cant describe the feeling in any emotion possible and known to homo sapiens.

My best co-workers are my food buddies. Our tables are always full of snacks and garbage. Oh how i miss those days.

When you talk for 20minutes and realise that your co-dev was just giving you the default response but wasn't actually listening

because when you are ceo and founder of something at a young age, you need to empathize that as much as you can

that roughly translates as: "21 years old, international robotics champion, co-founder and CEO @ {put your company name here}"

Just reached my office.

Roads were flooded so, I pull my motorbike to other lane and drive while traffic coming from another side.

Felt like fast and furious. Now, I am smiling like Budha and my co-worker giving me strange looks, like I got enlightenment.

Co-worker told me my code isn't up to" standard" and I don't follow "relevant convention" because I don't use a space after declaring a class/function AND inside the parentheses:

Me: class MyClass(something):

Her: class HerClass ( something ):

How do you do this personally?

Some of my co-workers are so fucking dumb. Their thought process....

Let's re-run tests that are currently failing over and over until it works

😡

like bitch....fix it then run it! don't just run shit over and over to make yourself look busy.

When you spend 2 hours brainstorming with your overly-opinionated co-worker before starting work on a feature and their opinion is completely different when your PR goes out. Worse than clients...

When a co-worker has a 'multi-screen' desktop. and you find he has a 4:3, a 16:9 and a native laptop screen, all different brands, and none of the screens line up...

Walk into the office this morning and say hi to co-workers, get told I look like hell and should go home if I'm sick.

I feel great, but thanks for that...Susan.

Non technical Co-founder comes up with some batshit crazy idea and says it’s Agile because he thinks that means you’re not allowed to argue with it.

Dumb people are dumb.

Co-worker that is awesome at copying and pasting and later asks for help cause something doesn't work.

Sanity check.
Guys and Gals... Is this normal to hear from your co-worker things like (will try to translate to English):
"I don't know about your sex life, but could you stop fucking around with this website and move to the shop site?"
and
"Don't fuck around and just do it"
I hear this from a guy who is not a programmer.

Well payed co-worker is always crying about others salary being more than his...Fucking hate that guy. Remember he is just a fresher and is being paid way more than he fucking deserves. Today he exploited someone to gain access of other co-worker's pay scale information and kept obsessing over it all day long...!
Fucking prick is going to get away with it...And I can't do anything about it...!!!

That annoying co-worker that goes to the office late and does nothing all day except to update his Facebook status every 5 minutes.

That moment when you get your first job after getting your degree and one of your co-workers with about 5 years of experience asks you what is a static class because he never used one...

I mean come on... You have 5 years of xp and never used a static before? x)

This project is going places...

You ever feel annoying when you explain things to your co-worker, like they're stuck on an issue and you solve it for them so you explain what happened, why it did what it did, and how the fix works, but as you talk you can see them start to get a little annoyed and just waiting for the conversation to end.

I've a 2018 (or a 2^11 - 30 as one of my co-worker calls it) wish.

That we all stop hating and ranting to languages and start directing the dark force to people who misuses them.

Because those are the evil, not a bunch of lines, maintained by some poor fellows.

Except PHP.. PHP ducks (typo intended and irony banner up)

Shitty co-workers. From bad management to lazy colleagues I've had it all, and all of it pushes me to be better than they are.

Planned release today, one of my co-worker's laptop's hard drive died in the morning.

And you guys say Satan is not real :/

Happened to me a while ago:

co-worker: don't use (C++) templates so your colleagues who aren't as smart as you don't have such a hard time understanding your code.
me: said the guy who uses macros all over the place.
co-worker: macros have been around for years and you can expect one to understand those.
me: *tempted to start a discussion about C++ with one who started programming with C like 20 years ago and who doesn't give a fuck about learning new things*... You're right!

A conversation that i had with my co-worker today. I was having trouble getting into UAT to troubleshoot.

me
i lost access to UAT again

co-worker
F. So secure we can't even get in

me:
lol

co-worker:
I'll email whoever we did last

me:
i can get through the first phase(where you enter pin+rsa)
it denies me access after that
says bad username or password

co-worker:
Oh ok. Prolly just need to reset your pwd then. I'll find the email for helpdesk and fwd.
At least ur RSA works.

me:
yeah what a joy

co-worker:
If it's locked you may need to try from a Windows box. Horizon is bugged on Mac where the submit button stays disabled even when you type a pwd.

me:
i couldnt contain my happiness that my RSA worked
😃

co-worker:
Yeah it's exhilarating
Whenever I pick up my rsa token my life re-finds it's purpose and I feel like I'm meddling through a field of sunflowers.

I once tried to get my RSA token tattooed but it switched too quick.

me:
lol its faster that Usain Bolt

co worker:
Russia got kicked out because of their RSA tokens

The day my co-worker wraps his mind around Varnish and/or other caching mechanisms will be the day I rejoice unto the lords of the interwebz...

This co-worker was straight out nuts who bullshitted his way into the company. Man he smelt like shit. The fucked up part was one day I noticed my other co - workers walking behind him weirdly. Well word got around that he shit his pants and the other co workers were walking behind him sniffing his pants having a laugh. I still don't know where we got these workers from.

"NBN co continue to purchase more copper for their high speed NBN service..."

So what then fuck happened with the fibre and high speed... Oh right you guys are absolutely fucking useless :-D

When your new feature works (and you installed a new package from Nuget) on your and your co-workers environments. And then you push to the build-QA-server and it breaks...

Co-Dev: The table doesn't have pagination. You said if I use your code it will have search bar and pagination.
Me: Did you initialize datatable? (we are using JQuery DataTables)
CD: No. Do I have to? How can I do it?

I. can't. even.

Rant

I was given a project to lead and develop with 2 other team members by the co-founder, I was told that I will need to deliver an initial demo within 30 days, 20 days in the project and I was told yesterday that they need a final release ready within the next 10 days !! Not just that but the co founder decided to assign one of my team members to another project!!!

I've worked today till 4am.

Guess who's working from home in the morning!

So I've been back to work for 2 weeks after going on a holiday. Getting back into the flow of things was easy, but seeing the status of the project that I am a part of, and seeing the kind of implementation work that my co-workers has done, it's kind of a no surprise.

So the past 2 weeks I've been completing features that I left my co-workers to finish, but didn't. And rewriting other features that they worked on, but does not meet the specifications.

Will I ever be able to work with reliable/competent developers?

Created a merge request for a big issue last week. Some dumbass co-workers merged several other stuff for tiny shit issues that lead to many merge conflicts now because they didn't pull before..
Nevermind.. will be merging develop into my branch for the third time now.. Got already 20h of extra work because no one minds to merge my request because it's so big and someone might have to check the commit messages what really happened..
Conflicts suck! Co-Workers suck!

Question: how many of you have told co-workers about devRant and wished you hadn't ???

Former co-founder is harassing me and threatening me with lawsuits.

Get the f** off my face you fucking scammer.

#rant

Co-worker: Please finish and push your frontend asap, I need that to start working on the backend.
Me: Why aren't you using Postman?
Cw: I don't like it.

Co-worker: "You don't need to know the math! Stop going on about it."

Me: "I think you do for some things, my algebra is not good at all, I need to improve it a lot and I just think you should too."

Co-worker: "Oh stop it, If the code runs it's OK!"

Me: "Well yeah, the code runs but you're over-fitting like a mad man and have a P-value of a bejillion."

Co-worker: "What!?"

"data scientist"

I was stuck for almost 2 weeks on a button that would display, given a certain icon, and that would not display if it was another icon, although I checked the icons multiple times to make sure they existed.
A asked a co-worker for help. He looked at my code, couldn't figure out either. Called a 3rd co-worker. He looked at my code. "Yeah, seems right? ... Wait a second!" He found the problem.
... One FUCKING TYPO I had always overlooked, that was the name of the icon. 🤦

Got a new job, joining next week, feeling scared and wondering how my co-workers will be, and if I will be abke to do assigned work properly ! I know the stuff but still..

Leave a "I will see you like a php team lead in five years" (CEO words) job and be a co-founder for a startup.

Recently we created a Slack team with co-workers and our boss. Everybody was shocked when we saw his username. It is "armageddon". Like a fucking gamer child.

Look what just showed up in my mail today!! Only problem is my laptop's surface makes it very hard for anything to stick on and I'm scared to try :(
Anyways thank you @dfox and co!

Colleague asks me to use github to help manage the co-producing of the project. I create github account and place the project's starting files on a repo. He does not use github afterwards...

I will let @addlinny and @cascross123 fight between themselves for best co-worker ;)