This one time, a client wanted a complete overhaul of her website.

I asked her for the credentials to the VPS, She gave me some random crap to try, cause clearly the site hadn't been touched since 2003 (and boy was it fugly).

Me: Maam, these aren't the correct details.

She sends in more crap to try...2 days pass with this back and forth.

Client: "contact steve, he should have the login details"

Me: ****Calls Steve *****
Me: "Maam, he says the login details are in your mail"

Client: "well, I don't remember this fact. Steve handled everything.
Hack into the website and then reset it.

The Russians did not need login details to hack into America's system. So please, do what you have to do to get us moving."

No jokes...that was the exact crap that came out of her fingers

My mom never touched a PC or smartphone. Well, most people didn't back then, because it was the early 90s.

But I brought a borrowed SNES to the hospital and taught her to blow on the Zelda cartridge if it didn't work. She died after we finished the game.

After that my dad bought me a commodore 64, the machine that taught me about electronics and programming, and molded me into who I am today.

On the first date with my girlfriend (now 12y together) we just sat talking for hours in her room, playing Zelda on her SNES taking turns, and I told her my mom would have liked her.

When I left the house to work abroad my mom called me.

Mom: “every time you touch the computer things change!”

Me: “I haven’t touched it in months, what’s the problem?”

Mom: “my google has changed, please put it like before!”

The same phone call, day after day, I couldn’t figure what she meant and she was getting pissed off.

Then I realized, it was just the google doodle...

Step 1. Get a large touchscreen monitor. Connect it.

Step 2. Modify the driver so touches don't actually cause clicks or anything.

Step 3. Let it play a sudden, loud BEEP instead. Increase the volume for each subsequent touch.

Step 4. Lean back and watch people learn that you don't like your screen being touched.

One day a client sent me gifts and a sweet letter just because they loved their new website so much. I just about cried. I work in an industry where acknowledgment and thankfulness by clients are extremely rare. 😱😭

Boss: we have a project, we will need an application on Mac with objective-c.

Me: But I am a Java developer, I never touched a Mac or objective-c !

Boss: it's ok, use Google, you will find some useful stuff there..

Me: But..

Boss: we have a week for a demo

The Perfect Storm:

My worst coding mistake? Yeah, let me tell you about that. I pushed a simple JavaScript/HTML change without knowing that the stupid header was shared with another "not so important" section of the site called "My Account" where people go to pay for their services. I call it the perfect storm because I left early that Friday for a weekend cruise and right before leaving I pushed the change, sent the request to push for production and left. When they noticed that clients were complaining about not being able to pay they started reversing most changes of all teams trying to fix it but they never touched mine because they knew I wasn't working on the backend. My whole team worked over the weekend trying to find the issue while I was having fun in the cruise. They ended up reversing all changes by Sunday night and it took us about 4 more days to figure out that my simple JavaScript/HTML change broke the site and prevented 30 million customers from making payments that weekend plus it broke the whole 2nd release of the month.... yeah, nothing major.

The Top 20 replies by programmers when their programs do not work:

20. "That's weird..."
19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must be a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14. "There is something funky in your data."
13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12. "You must have the wrong version."
11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8. "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
7. "Somebody must have changed my code."
6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
4. "You can't use that version on your system."
3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"

And the Number One reply by programmers when their programs don't work:

1. "It works on my machine."

Hello {Project}, my old friend. I've come to debug you again
Because the scope is softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was developing
And the misery that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence...

In restless dreams I debugged alone
Narrow file of cobbled code
‘Neath the halo of a desk lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of git checkin
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand bugs and maybe more
People coding without asking
People coding without listening
People writing code that they never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

Fools, said I, you do not know
{Project} like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence.

And the people bowed and prayed
To the kludgy app they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls
And whispered in the sounds of silence

Tonight, I had the pleasure of being challenged to make a virus for a VM over at the awesome "virus aquarium": computernewb.com

I present to you the Eevee fork/bomb.
Tonight, was the first night where I've ever sat down and programmed in VBS. I had a lot of fun doing it too. Right now I'm aiming at corrupting taskkill, tskill, and shutdown for good measure. These are a few of the things that my buddy has pulled on me that has made it difficult for me to continue moving forward.

The other part is to create seperate .exe files that would run my the necessary script. Each of these .exe files will be unique such that it's more difficult to shut all of them down at once.

Despite the fact that this thing will quite literally break your computer, it's fun being challenged to think outside of the box. Quite literally. I've always been careful about what things I touched on a PC, but tonight was fun because I was basically unchained and allowed to run rampant.

As a computer geek I think it's good to let out your inner demon and see what havoc one could wreak.

Dad calls:
D: Hai, so, um, my pc's not booting up.
Me: So?
D: What do I do now?
M: You tried fixin' it?
D: That's why I'm calling you.
M: I'm 400km away from you. Does it do anything by pressing a power-on button?
D: No. But I touched it, it's really hot.
M: When was the last time you cleaned that shit up?
D: I have to clean it?
*PC is located at dusty environment at work. 5 years old and is being turned on 6 days a week*

Clean. Your. Pc.
Oh, and yeah, it overheated, burned the mbo, power suply, and cpu cooler stopped spinning.
It's like Satan threw a curse on a pc, and took a piss on it.
The best part? He's mad because I "never help him nor have time when he needs something to be fixed".
He can fix the PC in a pc shop that is across the street.

So, you doin' any better this week?

So, me and my girlfriend were on a discord call and she said to me: "You know how you can get lost in someone's eyes? Well, I get lost in your code".

I've never been more touched and conflicted in my life. 🥰🤨

!rant

I built a decently large project at work, and everything works perfectly. It's beautiful, it's fast, it's light, it's organized and clean, and deploying is a breeze. I'm very proud of it.

The biggest reason, though, is that it uses exclusively technology I had never touched before:
• React
• Redux
• ES6/Babel
• Webpack
• Express.js
• Material Design
• Apple lappy (I'm a linux girl)

I was completely new to all of these, including my dev machine. Every single aspect of the project was outside my skillet.

But it went from my first experimental `import React from 'react'` to production-ready in three weeks. I'm really proud 😊

Dev: Why did you suddenly start adding random whitespace to the end of all of the files in your PRs?

Manager: IT’S NOT RANDOM!

Dev: ?

Manager: That’s a way I came up with for tracking my contributions. Every time I edit a file I add a line of whitespace at the bottom so it’s clear to everyone how much and how often I’ve contributed to the team. Although I haven’t been doing it this entire time so I had to make up for this by adding more to files that I *know* I’ve touched a bunch before. Just think! Especially with how big my PRs are compared to everyone else the tally of my contributions is going to get huge!

Dev: …

When you move a bunch of cables you haven’t touched in a while, and underneath you find this 🥳
Guess I know what I’m taking to work on Monday.

My freelancing horror story?

I remember like it was yesterday. It was late at night and I was doing some freelancing. (You know... the good stuff...)

All of a sudden the light began flickering, it got really cold and I felt like something was watching me!

OMG! SOMETHING JUST TOUCHED MY SHOULDER! I TURN AROUND AND...

...nothing. Nobody was there.

"I really need some sleep", I think to myself and turn back to my monitor.

Wait a second, what's that?
"10%..."
"20%..."
"60%..."

Oh my god...
How could this happen to me?
Those bastards got me after all!

I just witnessed...

A WINDOWS UPDATE!!!

The end~
______________________________

I don't feel responsible for pants that need to be washed now.

Ah, let me open my half baked personal Android project. Maybe I'll finish it this time.

*opens Android studio*

"You have shitloads of updates. Please download and restart now"

Ok, makes sense. I haven't opened it for a month.

*runs the app*

"CoolApp has crashed"

What the fuck? It was all working before. WTF happened.

*half an hour of online research*

The google play service version is somehow fucked up. So let's fix that.

*App opens*

Yay! Let me login right away!

*Login via google doesn't work*

I didn't even touched the bloody code.

*another half an hour of research. Nothing works*

Fuck this shit.

🎵 I touched a screen and I liked it 🎵

So yesterday I became an actual human rubber duck!

So I have a colleague in my team that for weird reasons is not allowed to work with the same thing as the other colleagues in the team is allowed to work with. So she´s kind of alone, working on another project, and that seems to suck really hard.

And this is how I became a human rubber duck. She asked me a couple of questions about a technology/language I´ve never touched before and I told her I never worked with that technology or language and know nothing. But she was eager to get me over to take a look at what she meant.

So I came over to her screen and she started to tell me everything about the project, the technology and the language. I soon realized she wasn´t only looking for help, she was probably feeling alone in the work she was doing and just needed someone to talk to. So I took my role as the human rubber duck and sat down to listen to everything even though I almost didn´t understand anything.

I think it actually helped her even though I did nothing.

Being a human rubber duck felt good!

once you start using linux on laptop. here is a condition of your mouse.
i don't know when I touched it last time.

"Working with legacy code that hasn't been touched in 2 years is fun!!" said no one ever.

I just came to delete my gmail account from when I was 12-13. I haven't touched it in years. There was a video where someone needed tech-related help, so I helped them, and I think that's where this person found me...

"Hacker."

Wow, what a fucking mess this sunday was.
My boss wrote me an email that one route of a RESTful API we wrote for a customer was not working anymore and puking back a status 500 with some error mentioning invalid UTF-8 characters.
Not one single person has had touched nor changed the code on production in some 6 months, so what the fuck could it be?

Phpunit did not give any errors (running only locally), the code had no syntax errors and the DB dump did not contain any invalid bytes (tested with a hex editor).

WHAT THE FUCK?!

OK so I started to comment out lines (all tested directly on production of course) until the error vanished.

Guess what was the culprit?
.
.
.
.
.
.
In the code (PHP) we used strftime(...) to get nice time strings. Of course we set the correct locale on the server, thus having months and days formatted in German.
So, in Geman there is this one mysterious month called "März" which contains an umlaut character.
Calling strftime generated the date with März in it, but the server locale was de_CH.iso-8859-1 and not fucking de_CH.utf8, so the "ä" was returned as 0xE4 instead of 0xC3A4 (valid UTF-8), which json_encode(...) did not want to swallow but instead threw an exception.

I have come to the conclusion that certain people have a tech aura that can fix or break things just by being near them. Apparently I can do both. Have you had a similar experience?

The other day a colleague was trying to play a YouTube video for the class (I work in a primary school) and the page refused to load. After 20m of failed page refreshes they called me. I walked in, sat next to the computer, and before I even touched anything YouTube suddenly appeared on the screen like it was trolling us the whole time. Much to the amazement of the class of kids who bow think I am some kind of tech-witch.

On the flipside - Linux hates me. It always has. Some years ago I decided to force myself upon Linux so I got a friend to install a dual boot on my machine. Knowing the effect I seem to have on Linux he demanded I stay out of the room until he was done. Two hours later and some stability testing later he called me back in to introduce me to my new setup. The moment I walked into the room Linux kernel panicked and never booted again.

If only I could learn to control this mystical power over technological life and death!

This one isn't as interesting.

I was probably 6 years old when I first used a computer. A commercial played on the TV about an online game called Fantage.

I wanted to play, so I begged my mom if I could use her Dell inspiron 5100. After hours of begging, she finally said yes.

I've never touched a computer before, so when my mom typed her password and left me alone I was confused.

I didn't know how to get to the game so I stared at the screen until my mom returned. She was annoyed and said to go on the internet and I stared at her. She was about to yell, but refrained herself from doing so, and clicked on IE before typing in the game.

She made me an account and then left.

I figured out how to use the trackpad and keyboard so I was really excited. Then there was a pop up box that said something like, "click OK if you promise not to give anyone your personnel information."

As the stupid kid I was, thought I was going to give her a virus if I clicked OK, so I stared at the screen until my mom said computer time was over.

I never got to play Fantage.

This is how I found about devrant

Yesterday night while I was coding,
suddenly something hit me hard in my mind and that was

" You have your semester exams from next Friday"

and guess what, I haven't even touched my books the whole semester.
I began to stress, started to overthink, the mind went completely blank...

This morning when I woke up, found myself in my bed. I don't even remember what happened, how I got in my bed but one thing was same
I was still stressing about my semester exams

I sat in front of my laptop and opened Firefox > google.com > and this is what is typed and searched :
"Programming sucks "

Going through different search results and forums, sites I landed here ...

This is how I ended up here in devrant

Blockchain has existed since 1900s.

Which means that every single person who has touched a lego has blockchain experience of as much as {YOUR_AGE} years.

On the top of a mountain, while skiing, -6 °C, no gloves, on my phone.

I use a live wallpaper I made with Processing and it uses gps location and forecast datas to change the background image according to the environment and climate. It sucks and drains battery like a bitch, and as soon as I got the top of the mountain it fucked up everything, home screen froze and camera wouldn't open.

So guess what, it was debug time. Hands dead cold and APDE with no autocomplete on a smartphone keyboard. The agony.

My gf yelled at me and after 10 minutes I switched to a static wallpaper, uninstalled that one and never touched it again since then

This was not a client but my CEO himself. The website of the company was supposed to be made responsive. So, during the design phase I was explaining how how events should not be used to display ideal information as hover don't exist in touch devices. To this, he says, "Why don't you create something so that when the user has his hand over the phone(like an inch above, but not touched), it treats it like a hover".
The worst part is I still don't know if he was kidding or not!

Dev related: To actually finish my projects instead of working on different ones, and end up finishing nothing.

I said I was going to create my own operating system. I started it, but barely. I haven't touched the compiler I was working on for months. Oh, and I'm working on an android app related to writing. I started it a while back, and never got to finish it.

My need to stop starting new projects, because if I keep doing this, I'll never finish anything.

Non dev related: To get my manuscript out of the slush pile, and finally published. It's currently in the dreadful querying process.

Hi all. I know it's been a while. I've forgotten what days off are. However, knowing you all are here and understand the terror of horrendous code gives me comfort while dealing with statements like "the problem isn't with our code, we haven't touched it in 14 years" while discussing database upgrades (3, in fact).

Slow, old, spaghetti coded legacy projects that no one has touched for years.

You know those ones where you put your Indiana Jones hat before going in and barely come out alive.

The overhead on my JS projects is killing me. Today, I went to implement a simple feature on a project I haven't touched in a few weeks. I wasted 80% of my time on mindless setup crap.

- "Ooh, a simple new feature to implement. Let's get crackin'!"
- update 1st party lib
- ....hmm, better update node modules
- and Typescript typings while I'm at it
- "ugh yeah," revert one node module to outdated version because of that one weird proxy bug
- remove dead tsd references
- fix TS "errors" generated by new typings
- fix bug in 1st party lib
- clean up some files because the linter is nagging me
- pee
- change 6 lines of code <-- the work
- commit!

2 weeks ago I was writing an `rm -rf --no-preserve-root /` oneliner as a joke - as an answer to a question "I have access to my competitor's server; what should I do?". I was crafting it so that it'd do as much damage to the business (not the server) as it could.

And I accidentally executed it on my work laptop. In the background (with an `&`).

It ran for a good 5-7 seconds on an i7-11850H with an SSD, until I issued a `kill %%`

Good thing it ran as a non-root user. Bad thing - I have no idea what it may have deleted nor whether it touched my /home.

I'm afraid to restart my laptop now :)

whoopsie :)

So they discovered a small tiny bug in a thing anyone last touched about 3 months ago. It has been there for at least 6 months, and JUST NOW someone noticed it. But OF COURSE that bug is important enough to have me drop FUCKING EVERYTHING that I'm doing, despite us being very short on time already!

Fucking hell, if nobody noticed that shitty little crap bug the past 6 months how can it possibly be so important. Good thing I don't have a large wooden mallet nearby.

So thanks so much for having me fix this RIGHT NOW, or rather IN THREE FUCKING HOURS or however it'll take to set up this project's dev environment... absolute horseshit.

Today I'm going to work on my side project that I haven't touched in weeks.

I want to utilize Angular 2 which means I'll need to learn TypeScript. I also want to use the new .Net Core and EF Core 1.0. Oh and I want to handle authentication using JWT!

Wow, that's gonna be a lot of effort to get things off the ground... maybe instead I'll use this time to learn some new concepts. Maybe watch this episode of Fun Fun Function, or maybe this video on writing Assembly code for an app on Raspberry Pi, that sounds cool!

Actually, you know I should really teach myself dependency injection and unit testing for once. I'm so behind the times.

Well, really I should finish this book on design patterns first. Ok, where did I leave off? Page 20 I think... ehh... maybe I'll just work on my side project.

Tomorrow... tomorrow, I'll work on my side project.

Le Me: well it is the time to go back on that Android project and resume the work.

*Open Android Studio, open the project.
*Wait 10 minutes for build/index
*error: gradle outdated, that is ok, update it.
*error: some library needs update
*error: R not found
*error: internal IDE error.

*Clean Project: PC hangs, Fan go so fast..

Shit ! I even not touched the code !

"Are you going to finish this part or am I going to need to hire someone else?"

~ Asked by a client less than a week into cleaning up and upgrading his Drupal 6 site to Drupal 7 which hadn't been touched in 8 years... Right after pleading with me about how he had no budget and couldn't afford any hours of development.

AAAAAARRRRGGHHHH FUUUCKKER!!!

The new MacBook Pro with touchbar is ABSOLUTELY SHITE.

I can't tell you how many times I have accidentally touched the escape key with my pinky while typing. Also accidentally touched "send" while in apple Mail halfway through writing something.

Apple clearly did no user testing with this as I have googled around and many folk are having the same frustrations.

I've just typed a massive note into jira and towards the end my pinky hit the escape key and I lost everything!!

FUCK CUNT BASTARD WANK!!!

Before I left corporate America, I worked with a guy who was basically the definition of 'idiot savant' sans the actual diagnosis. He was ridiculously smart, but couldn't stay on task to save his life.

Like one time we landed a project with a major client. My team was running backend, his was running mobile integration. After a month of little to no visible activity, we approached him and he just said 'oh yea, i got sidetracked'... but he wasn't working on anything else. Just found some random shinny pebble that caught his attention and he bailed on everything else.

To make matters worse, his personal hygiene was nonexistent (I don't think he's showered since either), and he LOVED writing things in super-obscure languages that even the best we had hadn't ever heard of, with nonsensical (and often totally misleading) variable names and no inline comments. Trying to put someone new on something he'd touched was like asking an English professor to translate a 10K year old tablet dug up in the middle of the desert. Just didn't work.

But... the CEO flat out refused to get rid of him for years, until virtually every other employee simultaneously turned in our two weeks.

That would be the time when i got fired from my last job. Hosting company, it had lots of good stuff and bonusses, coworkers were great, i was doing really important stuff when suddenly, i got fired and replaced... 'You have a too strong personality, sometimes you're just too outspoken'... At hearing those words, i felt very sad. Took a few bottles of champagne from the fridge at work (they had those apparently a year already, nobody touched them)... I left the building, together with two coworkers who became friends, drank the two bottles of champagne... i was crying... Because i got smacked in the face due to my personality. Admitted i am an extravert, and i do dare to talk back when it's needed, always polite, but ensuring i was not agreeing. Still i did my job pretty well. I was practically the only one that was multi-lingual!

After that i became a freelancer. It was a good start, a lesser good intermission, but next month i am starting at a goverment department for long term, so future is looking good.

Handed in my project today on one of those circular disks with a hole in it 🤔.

It felt so nostalgic, haven't touched such a thing in many many years. The sound of the disk turning inside the computer when we run it as a test was pretty great.

FUCK PRINTERS

WERE ALL PRINTERS DESIGNED BY INCOMPETENT MONKEYS WHO HAVEN'T EVER TOUCHED AN ACTUAL PIECE OF PAPER IN THEIR LIVES?!

WERE THEY PAID SPECIFICALLY TO MAKE SURE THEY WOULD NEVER WORK WHEN YOU NEED THEM TO?!?

IT REALLY SHOULDN'T BE SUCH A FUCKING PAIN TO DO A GODDAMN SIMPLE THING LIKE PRINT A BLACK AND WHITE JPEG!

I'M NOT ASKING FOR MUCH, JUST A FUCKING EVEN HALFWAY FUNCTIONAL MACHINE THAT DOES AS ADVERTISED AND DOESN'T REQUIRE SACRIFICING A GOAT TO CONNECT TO

FUCK ALL PRINTERS EVERYWHERE

Feel like a god!

I've made an API service that returns a list of countries based on a temperature range that they will have within the next 10 days for spur of the moment holidays.

It even finds you the cheapest possible flight ticket from your location to it.

So many nights were spent raging since I had never touched node js until 9 weeks ago and I have other huge pieces of work on the burner.

Once it's finished and works properly, how does one market such a service?

made my first dollar(actually $4) on internet.
got a gig on fiverr.

client wanted his joomla website to be unresponsive so website looks same on all devices.

never touched joomla.
it took ne 2.5 hours but actual work was only 10-15 minutes.

yippiiiieee.....😀😀😇😇

Hello {Project}, my old friend. I've come to debug you again
Because the scope is softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was developing
And the misery that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence...

In restless dreams I debugged alone
Narrow file of cobbled code
‘Neath the halo of a desk lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of git checkin
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand bugs and maybe more
People coding without asking
People coding without listening
People writing code that they never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

Fools, said I, you do not know
{Project} like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence.

And the people bowed and prayed
To the kludgy app they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls
And whispered in the sounds of silence

<-- Found in my documents, no clue where it's from

!(!rant)

So I wanted a raise and the only way was becoming a software lead.

With that title you get more money but also more responsibility, so you have the last word in technical decisions, you review architecture, do tech interviews, guide the less experienced, etc. I can handle that, even as introverted as I am.

What nobody told me was that I was going to spend my whole time on fucking meetings, one after another, I have not touched my IDE in days, I hate this shit already.

Careful what you wish for they say, so true, I'm stuck here and I hate my job now, probably going to quit as soon as I recover my life, if ever.

Fuck you Apple. I forgot the headphone dongle for my iPhone at home, so now I can't (1) plug my apple headphones into anything (i.e. my laptop, which is made by the same fucking company) and (2) use any other headphones with my phone. Buying an iPhone was a mistake. Apple has been implementing the shittiest UX recently. Don't even bring up the fucking bezel on the iPhone X or the marketing bullshit that is "retina display". The worst part is the Apple fanboys that act like everything Apple pumps out has been touched by the hand of God—Tim Cook could show up at their house and kill their fucking dog right in front of their eyes and they'd worship Apple for doing it.

I have seen spaghetti php code, I have seen spaghetti JavaScript code, I have seen spaghetti python code. I have seen a lot of spaghetti.

Yet this Angular project appears like it was touched by His Noodly Appendage.

And only his Noodlyness knows what's going on in there. It's truly beyond my mere mortal means of understanding.

Before I left for vacation two weeks ago, I busted my butt to build out another portion of my frontend testing framework and get it in place (and spec’d) to unblock a coworker on a semi-high-priority ticket. I sent him detailed notes on which areas of the product it covers, how to use it, and copied one of his (blocked) tests over and updated it to use the new methods, pattern, namespacing, etc.

I came back today and discovered … he hasn’t even touched it. Everything is exactly as I left it.

Wheeeeeee.

OMG!
First green dot!
Touched moon ;-D

I'm investigating PRs for a super legacy codebase. Someone else already approved the PRs -- somebody who has never even run the code or had the project set up before.

The codebase hasn't been touched in two years, and it hasn't been updated in four. It's using CoffeeScript, Node v0, Electron v0.30, and Angular 1.x. I obviously don't have a dev environment anymore, either, and my previous dev env was on Windows, so I'll have to translate my custom build utilities from batch to bash (or much more likely: node).

To make matters worse: the PRs break both the initial project setup and the project itself (NPM can no longer find some installed packages, among other problems). And. someone already merged them into master. So: fuck.

I'm going to yell at the author and tell him to fix his shit. Why? Because when I check out my last commit prior to his PRs, everything works perfectly. Surprise!

I was so done with this project two and a half years ago. I'm still so done with it. I just don't want to maintain this anymore, or honestly even look at it. I would happily rebuild the project from scratch, but updating it from the days of IE8? No way.

Some undocumented, never touched, 15 years old recursive function at the core of our business model suddenly stops working in a niche scenario, debugger is not available and I have to find out why.

Found this in a class that has not been touched for 2 years:

// TODO do we need this check? Clarify on Monday.

Overheard a conversation between programmers:

.... Your dirty hack finally caught up with you!
.. it is responsible for bug A, B , .. E ... F..

That "temp" code was not touched in years.

I hate one guy in our office!!! 😡🤬
He is a very toxic person, but that was ok (more or less) till today.

Today I have had a videocall with a new team, PM and client, because I have ended the previous project and has been moved to a new one.

And this asshole has taken a purple pony(!!!) and touched my face with it few times while I speak with other persons via webcam!

I just lack of words to describe all my emotions about this situation 🤐
And he thinks it was funny!

When you haven't touched a project in a month and you decide you need to get back into it.

I have pages of dated notes, pseudo-code and function in the still need written. I have about 75% of the actual code up and functional, but I have no idea what I was working on when other things got in the way. I've been staring at this mess that I swear was once organized and made total sense and I'm completely lost.

Why do our brains do this!!

Boss: -We're firing one of our freelancers and you are taking over one of his projects.
Me: -OK, what is it?
Boss: Old POS project written in Java.
Me: -But I'm C# developer. I haven't touched Java in years!
Boss: -You'll manage...

FML I've managed to finish and fully refactor this piece of shit project.

Well that's new..

So I was sitting on a toilet, thinking about life and stuff and b2plane [because of obvious reasons], when suddenly... I felt a very sudden and very strong urge to... code something in perl.

I haven't touched perl in years, don't even remember its syntax [can u blame me though? It's perl], but there we go, an urge hit me.

As soon as I flushed, the urge went away.

@b2plane, I'm asking you as an expert of shit. What's it mean? Is this normal?

Just came back to an old project I haven't touched in a while and realized I did an awesome job documenting it. It's almost annoying my level of detail. I'm proud of my past self for thinking of me now.

I had a week off at Christmas, didn't do any coding and barely touched my computer for 10 days. By Jan 6th I was still getting 7-8 hours sleep every night. "This is great", I thought, " I think I'm going to take at least a month off coding at home". Halfway through Season 2 of Brooklyn Nine Nine, my brain goes, "Why don't you learn some security stuff and join HackThisSite?" And that was the end of early nights.

Me: "Hey, the IP binding on this page is broken"
My boss: "u broke it!"

Bish I haven't touched this project in 24 hours and it was working this morning. You're the only person that has access to it other than me.

Just got started on my first summer project.

Drinkaloo: The Ultimate Drinking Game.

Never touched android studio before. This should be fun.

My first rant/story

> 3 years ago company x decides to pay for my software dev degree

> fast forward to today.. x has no idea what I've learned as they never asked..(basically java,php,sql,android)

> x gives me a contract 1 week before my final exams and expects me to work everyday except exam days..

>next day, a dev contacts me - 'oh please brush up on your Vue, Node, angular as well as laravel php framework'

>I've never touched any of those xD fml.. what to do!?

Just pushed a 400+ line stored procedure in production. It's fucking magic and is probably never gonna be touched because no one will understand it and because "it works".

The most expensive electronic thing I ever touched 😁 One of the top variant of Macbook Pro.

It is insane how big it is! My mind is blown away right now.

For fuck's sake man! I know you are an inexperienced junior dev/student but estimating 3 months at 6 hours /day for slightly modifying some C# code is just ridiculous.

I may have never touched anything .NET before but the modification required just 3 fucking lines and I did it in a day. In three months I would have finished the whole fucking project.

PS: VS2017 (RC) was quite lovely.

BLESS YOU
- @Root, for everything
- @SortOfTested, for “grass is greener / grass is alive” and everything, too
- @Floydimus, for being so nice to me
- @theabbie, for not cracking under pressure. I admire you and you’re an example to me
- Anonymous members I chatted with over Telegram, for valuable lessons and helping me cope

FUCK YOU
- girl who raped me
- ex who gaslighted me when I was weak
- sadistic psychiatrist who knowingly prescribed wrongful pills
- ex who abused me when I was on a devastating wrongful therapy
- boss guy who touched me without my consent
- each and every cop and military guy I’ve ever talked to, except WWII veterans
- whatever filled my life with nothing but guilt

!rant

I love coding but i haven't touched a physical keyboard and mouse for 10 days! Feels nice for a change. 😃

Dropped by my old uni to visit some friends. Met an old classmate who wanted to ask me something about his Python code.

"Oh, no", I thought to myself. "I haven't touched Python in so long, I don't know if I can help, and even then I only knew how to do menial tasks in it!", thinking how to save face and my image of "programmer dropout".

5 minutes later I realized he was mistaking a dictionary for a JSON string, AND was trying to access a dictionary in a list... in a dictionary.

I quietly fixed his print statement which incited an excitement "oh wow, it works!" and quietly returned his laptop. Fun day.

git push origin stupid-long-feature-name
git pull origin develop
*Checks through all changes. No major conflicts. Accepts changes.*
npm test
*4 failing tests, none of them in pieces that I touched for my feature.*
*That's funny. QA was loaded from the develop branch, and everything works.*
*Actual data has dates from today. Expected data has dates from a week ago.*
*examines tests*
Why are all these expected dates hard-coded‽

tl;dr The external development team committed 4 tests that would only ever pass on the day they were written.

India touched the “1 billion vaccinations” mark today.

That’s some feat.

Read the following in Morgan Freeman’s voice.

Okay everyone sit on down and get ready for story time. There once was a workspace that was a pain in the ass to setup. It often would take an entire day even for the most experienced devs on the team...for it was a workspace perched atop a swamp of shit that would require a whole year to refactor into something that isn’t shit.

It was inherited, passed down, stepped in and scrapped from the boot soles of every programmer that ever touched it. It was an amalgam of old, new, and third party components with a class path a mile long and no package management because the company although physically in the present, somehow maintained a temporal presence in the past. And there was nothing that the team hated more than setting that workspace. In short it was an unholy mess that made Satan cry and Dennis Ritchie spin in his grave so much that the state of California attached magnets and a coil to his body and casket to generate electricity.

Then one day the untalented clowns known as App Group decided that our IDE should be owned and configured strictly through them. They took poor Eclipse and mounted so much silly shit to it that it resembled a riding lawn mower with a fax machine and a blender duct taped to it. Eventually as everything the company touched did, it simply turned into a broken, shitty mess that not even Jesus Titty Fucking Christ could bring back the dead.

And then, every month or so the IDE would break in such a grand way that every developer had to rebuild their workspace...the very same Lovecraftian monster disguised as a code base. It was just too much to bear for old Deus. He was all out of fucks and there wasn’t enough alcohol in the world to quiet his injured soul. So he stood on a chair, carved his name in a rafter and tied a noose to it, put it around his neck and finally kicked the chair out from under himself. I am told he even pooped his pants and the post mortem shit in the seat of his pants was still better than the codebase at work. I’m Morgan Freeman.

Uggg..... I'm trying to encode a binary file in Python which may be an image or may be an executable, and then decode it back into a file (I plan on editing it in the middle, but baby steps for now..) but nothing is working!!

My plan is to:

Open binary file.

Decode as base64, or something else that could easily handle binary.

Convert byte data to string (for editory perpousos - I won't be editing bytes, I'll be doing custom encoding but that's irrelevant for this test)

Convert back to a byte string/array (with .encode(), probably)

Write to file.

I do this, yet the output has been altered... Though I haven't touched anything..

It's so enfuriating.. x.x

Last week a user couldn't find a document in sharepoint. Typed (what he thought) was the exact file name in the search -> no results.

I know how to get 'under the hood', so I looked where I thought the file was, found it, and it was exactly as he searched for it. What the hell? Wasn't a new file, it wasn't moved/renamed, no reason why it couldn't be found.
I 'touched' the file. Waited 5 minutes and searched again, found it. What the frack Microsoft!

- Get's out of bus with some elderly people.
- one of them wants to cross the street, so he waits at the traffic light

That traffic light only switches, when a pedestrian touches a sensor

- I check if the sensor had been touched, it wasn't
- Secretly touches the sensor, just like a character from assasins creed kills when bypassing a person

- Light gurned greeen soon afterwards.
- Feels like a secret hero

I resign in a week. I need to turn in my work laptop. Calling it a laptop is a vast overstatement. Its a 2005 Lenovo with 4 gigs of RAM.

Most of my actual work has been on my gaming desktop. My work laptop is in a bag and I haven't seen, smelt or touched it for over a year.

And now I'm scared to open it.

So about a month ago I started this project for myself and decided I would work on it almost everyday, even if it was just for 30 minutes!

But when I get home I'm always so tired all I can do is sit, almost brain dead and watch something (youtube, netflix, whatever).

Anyway, haven't touched it since that first week.

Leave the code base a better place than what it was when you touched it!

I got a kindle paper as a hand me down gift. And I feel I'm reading so much more than before, now!

I'm starting a new small novel
A Wrinkle in Time, I'll be reading alongside my girlfriend.

I'm 52% done with a book called
Python Tricks: The Book
Literally coolest book I've touched. Contains a bunch of different tidbits about the language, granted most of them confirmed my understanding, but it's still neat to read and learn about them in a more rigorous setting.

I'm 13% done with another book called
How to Day Trade for a Living
I'm heading for the crypto currency exchange, but with a catch,
I'm reading another book called
Genetic Algorithms with Python
You can probably already guess where I'm heading.

I feel armed with more knowledge and I feel like this is a really great way to start the New Year off.

I've started programming when I was 12. Right now I'm 25. I can clearly say that I'm passionate, I've touched I think almost every "type" of programming ever. From game development, through IoT and finished at eCommerce. I never stop learning.

My workmates are pissing me off. For code review sometimes I'm waiting even 3 days when I've changed like 5-6 files. They don't want to introduce "new" technologies (by new I mean who are existing at least 2-3 years, got stable community). They don't want to refactor some core of the application because it's working - they don't care about it as they can later say "legacy system so this basic feature took me a week".

Code quality means for them "use shorthand syntax, this code is ugly" - the basic shit which can do any linter

When I'm doing code review, I'm checking out to this branch, test it, check if the solution is scalable. Then I make my comments. I just hear "stop bitching about it just approve".

Thank God I've made through interview and I'm going to switch job in next week.

I fucking give up, AWS is retarded. It's the worst piece of shit retarded fucking platform ever created and every fucking engineer that touched the code should have their fingers chopped off, shoved down their throats and then be beheaded.

I can't believe that this retarded shit is the "industry standard" for deploying anything ever. Every fucking page feels and uses as if it was fucking outsourced to a different part of india everytime. The fucking pagination behaves differently in every fucking service. Half of the new services just gave up and run on their own fucking thing, because presumably their own platform just couldn't even handle it anymore and fucking CloudFormation is the fucking kingpin of this entire retarded platform. Slapping and unslapping shit together unttil it fucking get's stuck in an unresolvable state because half the fucking services need 58 unrelated permissions to perform a simple delete.

Fuck AWS, Fuck Amazon, Fuck Bezos, Fuck the Cloud and Fuck this whole "Serverless" scam. I really truly wish everyone that had anything to do with making AWS a reality just drop dead on the spot right now so that we can forget that aws ever happened.

Just received a test for a job I'm interviewing for. I was interviewing for a C++ position. Practice test: Create an REST API using SpringBoot, Spring Data, document with Swagger and implement continuous integration testing.

To be fair, I also mentioned I'm fluent in Java. But I've never touched SpringBoot or done any backend webdev, since my intention was to never get near it.

Deadline: Sunday. Game on...

When your programming skills give you godly precision skills. I guarantee you I never touched it.

Senior management just had a covid opening up party, streamed it on YouTube in the middle of the office with not a single person wearing a mask or social distancing. Encouraging employees to come back to working in the offices.

I AM FUCKING DONE. IM DONE.

It hasn't been a week since one of our employees died and these were the same people who emailed the team asking to donate towards the bereaved family.

This isn't even a rant. It baffles me that narcissistic bullshit like this is legal. How can anyone be that fucking stupid? Just how. Explain this shit to me. Because these aren't total assholes. They're generally nice people outside of work. Why is it that anything touched by corporate greed gets corrupted to the point of inhumanity.

Nope.

Simple there are four other developers on my team. Yet, I do all of the work.

I'm picky about spesific tasks, so I would rather do THOSE by myself, by we have a Trello board where I've marked the tasks I want to do myself, and everything else is open for grabs.

Some tasks I will asign others (one developer specifically) and days will pass and no code gets touched. So I end up having to take it over. :|

Like, guys, I get it. You have other things to do. But could you atleast *try* and help me without me having to ask? If not, then why did you even sign up? I want to get this out the door so our project doesn't go under and we can make some money. I have other things I would like to do as well, you know. Like take a day off, or spend time with my girlfriend.

Just got my first internship using Angular 1 today. Oh yeah, I’ve never in my life touched Angular. Fuck (:

Guys I know a programmer is never judged by the OS he uses, but fuck me I want to bite off my fingernails when installing windows...(never touched anything but unix for the last 5 years) :(

Oh... You're holding my repo up for ransom? Hah you're funny. I'm not paying money for the garbage I haven't touched since...
Also
git push -f

Four months ago I decided to quit smoking and bought a vape mod :) Never touched a cigarette since. Best decision I made in a while.

Just wanted to share this with you, fellow devs. :)

Just lost my shit with a colleague which went for the Nth time "Oh MaN tHiS sCrIpT sUcKs So BaD".

Dude, I wrote the thing in 5 days, and back when I did I had no experience whatsoever with JS -or with programming at all, for that matter. It was pretty much my first project and I was as green as it can possibly get.

And yet, that script served us well for well over a year and a half without being touched once. It always worked for everything you could possibly want. Shut your mouth or do it yourself, buddy.

I haven't touched my laptop for five days (because I've been sick) and now that I'm better, I've been making so many typos and I can barely type. It's like I'm learning touch typing all over again.

The weirdest thing happened a couple of days ago: a dude messaged me on Facebook because one of his employees saw me on Stack Overflow regarding a framework I haven't touched for 3 years.

My phone fell down for the thousandth time and i thought it was okay as it usually has been in previous attempts at suicide.

Pressed power button ...
Screen turned on showing lock screen...
Touched back key .... phone vibrated....
Hmmm... It's okay. Didn't try unlocking screen...

Received a call later on....
Swiped to pick up call.... Nothing moved...
Turned the screen off. Turned it on again. Tried opening screen lock. Again nothing moved...

Got an OTG and plugged a mouse into phone.
Cursor moves.

Alas... My Phone's Touch Unit is DEAD :/

Developing a web app that I'm sure was touched by Satan himself. Bugs come out from no where.
Yesterday when I left everything worked. Today when I arrived nothing works! Lots of angular errors. WTF. No one else worked on it . :O

Welcome to this week's episode of "sudo-woodo tries to get a single Python script merged", starring...

•The software architect so senior they were working here while I was still in pre-school. Wasn't added as a reviewer and was completely absent on this project for two months but came in on this PR with a few questions, including questioning design decisions they agreed on the last time they saw the project.
•The QA lead with ten years of experience... in Java. Has never even touched Python and asked to review, only for every issue raised but one stemming from not knowing the language.
•The CI guy. A script guru who will find a problem with literally anything. Honestly the most helpful person of the bunch.
•My coworker. Hasn't said anything yet.

please send help

!rant
Flutter is the best SDK I've ever used in my life. So insanely easy to learn and use, and it lets you build both Android and iOS apps?!?!
If you haven't checked it out, even if you've never touched mobile app dev, give it a shot. Super fun and super easy.

Just casually learning if I don't fix a bunch of stuff I know nothing about in a technology I have never touched within 2 weeks the company loses a 100k contract.

Should book holiday.

Team: * hands over release to QA
QA: Release broken. It doesn't load any entries from the test system.
Me: Not possible. It works perfectly fine in our environment and we haven't touched that logic in weeks.

A couple of days later...
QA: It seems that we accidentally deleted all the entries from our environment. We'll apply a backup.

Team, clients, air wasted to keep these people alive:

The world is full of write-only devs. People who never look at the code they create or change.
That's the only explanantion I can find for the fact that everytime I look into some code I have never touched or haven't seen for a while, I instantly spot at least one error that is so elementary, that there is absolutely no chance to miss it.

haha funny

Made by me, the inspiration came after I actually almost wrote a console.log while debugging, it had been a long time since I last touched Java.

Took some time off with the Mrs for our crotch goblin's first birthday and it was wonderful. I properly switched off for the first time since he was born, barely touched a keyboard, went outside, slept. I felt great.
But Jesus H Christ trying to get my mind back into work mode is a slow and difficult process. More coffee please.

I haven't touched a repository in a while, but my group had been committing to it for a while. I sometimes wish I could be this creative.

My 27" 8-core imac, i7, 3.8ghz, AMD radeon pro 5500, 40 GB RAM 512 GB storage,

keeps screaming in agony.

But never stuttered.
Never lagged.
Never glitched
Never failed
Never ran out of memory

I can just hear how hard the the ventilation was going. It was getting loud.

I touched its ass from behind. It was heated up and there was lots of dust from the holes

This has been going on for several days but i ignored it knowing what kind of a beast machine i have (big mistake)

Intellj popped up notification to disable hints in order to improve cpu usage performance.

Immediately it struck me. Hold on lemme check the activity monitor stats and find out why my imac has been screaming for days

Turns out intellj is using over 1090% of my fucking CPU?????

THAT SHIT U SEE ON THE IMAGE WENT ABOVE 1100% OF CPU USAGE AND IT WAS ONLY 1 PROCESS CAUSING IT - INTELLIJ

WHAT???

I used to do some freelance work for a nonprofit. I’d do some website stuff and gallery sitting.

My friend was the gallery director. When she left, I decided to stop freelancing there and I dropped off the keys with the new director. I told them they could contact me later if they have questions about some things I implemented on the website. The new director thinks I’m a random freelancer and starts to BADMOUTH MY FRIEND, the former director.

Over a year later, the gallery assistant emails me asking about SSL warnings and cc’s the new director. WTF.

1) Those warnings were happening long before I left and long before I even started. 2) I am not your website support. I only invited contact for things I worked on. 3) The assistant already contacted Squarespace and Go Daddy for help and they gave her instructions.

I told her I didn’t set up their website and it sounds like she has the resources to resolve this on her own and she should contact Squarespace and Go Daddy if she needs more help. After all, you pay those companies for their services support and my time isn’t free.

Devils Advocate moment: A proper PM can assist greatly on projects.

Don't get me wrong, you have all for the most part been faced with the incompetence of glorified quasi manager positions. But a proper PM can be a gift really.

I absolutely despise generalizations, I do get that percentages matter, but shitting on professions when the realm of possibilities have yet to be touched to the full extend of capabilities seems like child's play really.

remember, y'all think you are all God's gift to the world through coding experience, but a solid network engineer might have as much gripes about developers as y'all do about managers, project managers, sys admins etc, and the same shit can be applied vice versa.

Software engineering is magic, in the sense of the tv show "The Magicians" where you can make an incantation and suddenly your penis/tiddys explode: inexact science.

Be a tad bit open minded, learn enough about their shit to tell them that they are fucktards, and run from the ones that know but don't fix shit.

Peace pendejos

Do any of you guys have eye strain? I worked on a project for like 6 hours day before yesterday and have been having severe we strain since then. Haven't touched my laptop since. My doctor says my eyes are good, just need to follow the 20/20/20 rule, which is, work for 20 minutes, look at an object 20 feet away for 20 seconds, and repeat.

Do any of you guys have eye strain? Hope many hours do you clock on a PC? What do you do to minimize the strain on your eyes? Do you ever fear you'll go blind?

I have so severe eye strain it gives me migraines 😥

TL;DR My parents should have known that I was made for computers
Note: I am pretty young. Most of you were probably at least as old as I am now when it happened.
My parents told me about the first time I used a PC. They left me and my older siblings home alone with a movie on and returned later than they wanted to. We were still watching the movie, and when they asked how that was possible we told them that I restarted the DVD twice. I had never touched a computer before.

The first thing I actually remember is me playing Age of Empires II on a PC our family got for free somewhere. Although AoE3 was already out by that time, it ran slow af, but it was the most fun I had in my life up to that point. I was and still am pretty bad in both AoE3 and AoE2, but that was the first step into my preference for RTS games.

! random story

Today i was cleaning my laptop and on right side of it i suddenly touched a button... !!!

!!!!SURPRISE !!!!

DVD player popped out.. and it's dusty as hell.. I was like what ?? How long this has been in laptop.. It's weird.. I never used it.. Why the heck we need it.. I didn't saw anybody holding dvd disc nowadays .. Man nobody uses those shit's anymore.. we have pen drives and External HDD's now. Why the heck manufacture's still keep these dvd player in Laptop's..

But it brought my childhood memories back though.. !!

We had a Christmas party at work. We did a traditional white elephant gift game. I stole some larping swords from one guy, somebody else stole them from me, and another guy named Bilbo stole them and ended up with them.

After the party I am at my desk. Bilbo comes over with the swords and gives them to me. He said, "You looked like you really wanted these." I said thank you. I was really touched by that gesture.

Bilbo had tried to get golf balls during the game and lost them. So I went to the store at lunch today and got him a 12 pack of Titleists for $25. I don't golf, but people I work with say they are good. I left these on his desk. He comes to me later and says, "I cannot accept these. It is just too much money." I said its not too much and explained I was touched by his gesture. He tells me to take them back and get something nice for myself. Which is another nice gesture. Bilbo said when we get back from Christmas break we can do lunch.

So I am a bit baffled. Did I cross a line I shouldn't cross? Is Bilbo just too nice? I was really hoping he would enjoy this. I get it. We are coworkers and not family. I truly respect and like the guy.

Anyway, I am unsure what to do with them. I didn't really want to take them back. I tried to give them to another guy I work with and he wouldn't take them either. One talked about paying for them then decided he didn't want them. I have more shopping to do so I can take them back then. It kind of weirds me out to say $25 is too much money. I can hardly go a day without spending that much on a couple of random small things.

One thing that’s a shocker and frankly very weird for people who have always used Android, is that iPhone doesn’t show any progress notif for anything whatsoever. Like dude.. I want things to happen in background and see progress in notif bar. But no, not in iPhone. You either wait for things to finish in foreground or do it explicitly inside the relevant app.

For example, when you want to send a big video on WhatsApp via Photos, you have to wait on the Photos screen until it’s sent otherwise it fucking fails. Like dude.. wtf?! Why can’t that happen in background?

On top of this, things that can happen in background have so limited processing power to themselves (because iPhone doesn’t like things happening in background; we have already established that though) that they just crawl until done and sometimes fail.

Another thing is that there are no fucking loading indicators. You touch something and then the guessing games starts whether you touched it correctly or not. Like dude.. I know your phone got a superfast processor but sometimes things take time to happen. You gotta give some kind of indication that things are happening ffs!

I know security and all, but dude you gotta give me something! Don’t make me suffer for little things.

Dude.. fuck you!

Suggested we set up more formal coding standards even though he was by far the messiest developer...

Then once we did, proceeded to disable linting in almost every file he touched. 😕

Have an interview tomorrow with a company using a tech stack I haven't touched in months.

😓

For the first time in my life, I watched spirited away.
Never watched any movie like this, everything in this movie "touched" me.
Never felt anything like this before.

If there is anything I hate in life more than XCode is not organizing work!

A feature done few months ago on mobile, tested, passed QA and now it is not working! Why? Because API got screwed!! Why? Because someone is changing the core of the system without notifying anyone!!

Both API and that feature were not touched in months and suddenly stopped working and guess who is blamed, damn right me and the API dev when non of us even made a change -.-

I work for a consulting company, my boss comes into the room full of engineers trying to work on Adwords campaign and asks us what words to use. "Should I use blockchain, I heart that's popular. What about AR?" None of us have ever touched any of those technologies and he's going to try and market us as such to some poor potential client he's going to B.S to. Get me out of here.

alright, just acquired a Surface Pro 2. Never touched one before. I guess Linux with Enlightement enviroment would work great?

So I'm two weeks into my vacation now, and haven't actually touched any code during this time. Do you guys program when you have vacation?

To be more specific, I'm spending the first part of my vacation at home ;)

How can I make my manager understand that performance should not be measured by how many tickets we have resolved?

If the ticket is an easy one then sure 1-2 days is enough, but for some complicated shit or dealing with models that I have never touched before, I am gonna need several days just to understand the requirement.

For some fucked up reason, our story point is in hours, instead of days. So when we say 24 hours, then it's only 3 days.

Another fucked up reason is that my colleagues doesn't seem to mind. I am the most vocal one objecting when got assigned too many tickets. They just joke around and seem to accept it.

FYI, I am just 6 months in and bouncing between 3 projects.
Am I just too lazy or slow?
In my previous company, the devs seemed to be pretty chill, and the project manager only complained when an issue has been dragging on for weeks.

Company is about to get certified to ISO 9001:

Kick-off meeting with consultant announced weeks ago, mandatory for all employees.
Everyone is kind of joking about it, but also looking forward to certain workflows maybe changing to the better.

Two hours before meeting, told by CTO not to attend.

Some code I hadn't touched for half a year needs urgent patching to make the equipment pass EMC test (doing so within a few hours would help us save the lab cost for another day of testing).

When they applied RF noise to the bus lines, the CAN peripheral would glitch and need reset, this should happen covertly the first few times without raising any error to the user, so they could just finish the testing without being disturbed by the error - and the EMC lab will not test the functionality of the device after all.

The irony when you were actually supposed to learn about quality that day...

This is hands-down the worst codebase I've ever touched. 50% laziness, 50% poorly-conceived alterations to business logic. One of those where if it isn't throwing an error, you DON'T TOUCH IT.

Been a few weeks now back at the office after a good four weeks off… still no work to do….

”Guess I’ll write a compiler in C then, a good chance to brush up on it.”

”… hmm, haven’t touched any simple html in ages, maybe I try and do this frontend as vanilla as possible”

”What if I tried remaking this backend with Suave? Haven’t written much F# in a while, here’s a chance to brush up on mah mad skillzors”

Never a dull moment, and while I’m cranking out code like a maniac, I feel very, very unproductive due to no actual work getting done.

> Opened devRant to read some cool rant.
> Scrolled down the feed to find awosm rant.
> Found an interesting rant, touched it to view it.
> Read the rant.
> press back to find more awosme rant but, (boom💥) again on top of feed.😡😡😤
> Now need to scroll down again :/ :(
FIX THIS!!!!

Fuck, today was a total shitshow. Every damn line of code I touched seemed to blow up in my face. Fucking bugs popping up left and right, and the deadline looming over my head like a goddamn guillotine. Today my wife mentioned divorce over dinner.

Working on an online shop lately.

SUCH A FUCKING BEAUTY. I AM SO PROUD I NEVER TOUCHED CSS AND HTML BEFORE!

My Chromebook just touched down in Melbourne!
Should be here in the next 2 days, Come on Australia Post don't fail me now! :-D

Ordered a new pc and got it in today.

Me starting it up: "oh right, Windows..."
*haven't touched windows in years*

Installing Ubuntu now cause I couldn't stand it anymore

Few weeks back, late night, busy watching online series and suddenly, junior pings me and asks for doubts related to implementation design and then implementation in nodejs (which I touched long long ago). And, me being attracted towards debugging, and kind heart to help the junior(hihi kind heart), helped to completely resolve the issue by texting and screenshot of logs sent over message.. just to mention. Time was around 2-3 am.. my most effective time period..

Last couple of days as a dev at this job. I'm polishing up my documentation and making sure my reference guides are up-to-date. All the while knowing that my documentation, tools, and tests will likely never be touched. They'll sit on a share drive somewhere, like ancient tomes, while the next devs re-invent the wheel. So it goes.

Well, that's one way of getting rid of bugs and creating other issues, since it never works out to have just random people fix never to be touched again systems

So I am working on a cloud app, Angular on the frontend and NestJS with heavy AWS dependency at the backend. I took my time to learn the stack and I have a couple of years of experience with each piece involved.
Since I am a Level 1 developer, management thought (and I felt same way) it would be nice for me to work with a couple of Level 3 devs.

Well, they hired Level 3 devs:
- a senior Java developer who never touched AWS, any kind of frontend or Typescript
- a senior c++ dev with the same “never touched” as above

And guess what? I have to train them both in Angular, Typescript etc. Kinda defeats the whole purpose of L3, “they will help you to deliver stuff fast”, and adds load on me (I am already a shared resource on 3 teams).
Oh, and yeah, management already promised to release the app by the end of the year and so far I am the only capable and functional developer on the team who has to deliver everything.

I had so much hope for new hiring cycle lol

Lab needs a crawler to download some assets, none of my business though

But why not

Haven't touched crawler for two years

Google for latest state of art

Found scrapy

I have to define a class for a crawling script?

Got scared

Went back to beautifulsoup and request

Got the job done in 20 mins

Fuck yeah

I haven't touched algorithms for many months but needed to create a matching algorithm today.

It has to match using variations of the original key and output the keys that can't be matched.

The feeling in my head felt like I was turning rusty gears n sort of just stumbling through...

I used an N^2 approach but afterwards it just felt wrong... And it took me like an hour of hacking to do it....

Actually I just realized it's an N approach! because all possible matches would be hit by iterating from one of the lists of possible names!

I suddenly feel so proud of my subsconcious...

But still something doesn't feel right...

Was there a recent CSS update or something? My website just broke all of a sudden. I haven't touched anything since last year WTF

How long is your operation system running?

Linux - since the first kernel release I've ever touched.
Windows - depends on the update cycle, mostly 2 weeks up to 6 month.

And there goes another night with reconfiguring my windows session 🤬.

36 Hours straight. Admittedly I was on a study drug for this.

I had a mobile application module. The whole thing was marked on a massive project that I hadn't touched... until 36 hours prior to the deadline.

Brought a shed-ton of study/concentration pills from the darkweb, and designed, programmed and deployed in 36 hours (for Android).

... Also got a first in that coursework... mhm..

... And slept for 4 days straight after...

So, listen Kids! Don't do drugs!

>end of the work
>me tired and want to go home to pet my cat, dog... and fishes or whatevs
>while shutting down monitors I was asked to help fix the bug
>fml
>ok, though I was not working on that part of the project
>fixing it and feeling proud
>today I got angry messages that it wasn't a bug and I shouldn't have touched it
>the person who asked me to 'fix' it did not understand why it worked in the way it worked (and I fixed it in the way he wanted it to work)
>ffs...
>I guess next time when I feel tired I should just be avoiding helping people
>time to think of prepared excuses

I've been coding for a year and I can't even do hello world in javascript. I've never touched it. Is that bad?

Holy crap, just started working again on a personal project after a 1-month hiatus... Really struggling to get my head back where it was, I have (almost) no clue what I was doing or why.
Even the commit log and the comments and docs I've left around seem empty somehow.

Any good tips/tools for retracing steps? How do you start working on a codebase you've never touched before?

I'm feeling empty. All my friends and roomates went home. But I stayed in hostel. I haven't touched my laptop from last 3 days. I'm just lying on bed staring at ceiling. I'm not even in a relationship, so I call my mother everyday to get the feeling of being loved.
This quarantine is strange. First few days I spent my time playing video games, watching Netflix, laughing at memes. But Now I'm feeling empty. Very strange thoughts are now occupying my mind. I'm sleeping 10+ hrs, and staring at ceiling or outside window most of the time. My room is a mess. Forget washing hands, I don't even feel like standing up to switch on lights.
I'm not saying I feel sad or depressed, I just feel very strange.

! First Apk
There is nothing else great feeling than making your first application's about us page.
Touched moon just now !
Bingo !

Did my first meaningful work in angular in many moons at work today - also apparently the first time I've touched it in 4 major version releases lol.

I typically find myself specializing in API and service architecture lately, so I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly I got back into the swing of things with the front end in general. Granted the app itself has been very neatly organised and written which goes a very long way to helping one find their way quickly.

That said, I really can't admit to having any desire to stay working in angular for very long. Yes, I think it speaks well to the framework itself that I can pick up immediately going from version 8 to 12 without any issue, but also, I think angular kinda sucks ass*.

* Opinion should be taken with a grain of salt coming from a .NET dev. This does not reflect the views of .NET or other devs in general. User results may vary.

I am a backend dev in a mostly web based enterprise, i haven't touched c# for a month and a half so....
i am thinking in becoming a dba

Entirely my fault. I was getting frustrated that the CSS I had copied and pasted from an old project was not appearing properly. It just wouldn't work. Spent an hour before I lost my shit and closed the IDE, to discover that I was saving the old project repeatedly and hadn't even touched the new project which was serving.

ideal situation: programming in a chill cafe with nice coffee

reality: too busy drinking coffee, hasnt touched the laptop

*revving chainsaw noises*

Today I started nuking leftover project code.

At the end, some projects shrunk by roughly up to 40 % .

Can anyone explain to me why programmers have such an awful hoarding syndrome?

Why do you keep shit that might unleash complete havoc cause it hasn't been touched since years and noone knows id it still works?

It's like having a leg with gangrene and keeping it cause "it doesn't look that bad".

For fucks sake. Clean up and remove shit when it's not necessary anymore.

Reason why I did a bloody gore massacre in nearly a dozen projects... After all the rework of networking, it's finally evident which projects have a bad / nasty behaviour of "fucked up" connection handling (HTTP 1.1).

And when my gory massacre removal goes life, I think 25-35 % of persistent connections on the loadbalancers will vanish. Maybe even more, since some very nasty stuff was in some projects.

Like "let's implement monitoring without having any clue about how monitoring works and even less clues about how TCP/ HTTP works."

*Bangs devs heads on table*

Stop. Doing. Stupid. Things.

For fucks sake.

:@ :@

I'm really terrible at managing personal projects. I'm often procrastinating (I guess you could say I put the 'pro' in that word) or lacking motivation. I rarely complete projects because I always start something new and forget about the other projects. I have had a Sublime Text window minimised and related browser tabs opened for a year now and haven't touched it in months. I'll get around to it some day.
Some of these projects could be making a few dollars (hopefully more) if I complete them.
Has anyone got any tips to help me stop procrastinating and motivate myself?

I was making the bed at my hot blonde gfs apartment and accidentally VERY SOFTLY, Touched, not even aggressively hit, this motherFucking chandelier at the ceiling, and now its hanging on the cables. Are you fucking serious. How can a gentle touch unscrew this fucking lamp and get it fucked up like that so much

Electricity works and all is good so i guess it only needs to be screwed back up?

Who the fuck even made that shit so poor quality. Must have been the shittiest electrical engineer ive ever seen! Probably graduated from online classes too! Fuck you

What do i fucking do now. I feel so bad. It was an accident and i fucked up in someone elses house

Should i fix this myself or am i completely cooked?

Should i call electrician to fix this bullshit?

Pls how much does this fix cost. I hope motherfucking not more than 20-30$ !!!

I've been a gamer since I was a child.

But today, my games play themselves thanks to Python automation. I can enjoy life whilst the bots do the work.

"Automate the boring stuff", I bought this book in 2018 and never touched it but it's like I discovered gold. I've never felt so much joy programming and learning.

It's like my life has been leading just to this very moment. I've been mid-life crisis for 1-2 years now. But no more. I feel like a kid again. Gonna automate everything.

I literally have a discussion with somebody who says C# is better than PHP, even though the person in question never even touched PHP...

Like: if you prefer C# over PHP because you actually used BOTH and just prefer C# that's completely fine... but saying C# is flat out better just because you never used PHP?

It's like saying "Coca-Cola tastes better than Pepsi" even though you never had Pepsi (disclaimer: I like Coca-Cola better, but I don't really care that much about the minor difference)

Btw. I have never ever in my life touched a Windows machine. I wouldn't even know how to compile something.

My first ever dev project was a website I setup with my dad, it was for my uncle's company. 😃

You can barely call it a dev project because we did it in WordPress and the only thing we touched was a bit of HTML and a bunch of CSS 😅,
but it was really fun working together with my (programmer) dad and it motivated me to study programming as well.

The site turned out ugly as fuck, but the standards for websites are very low where my uncle is from so that wasn't a problem. 😊

I earned 90€ and bought myself a new mouse (Logitech G502), which I still use now 4/5 years later. 😎

Totally hands off. Haven’t touched code for about 2 months at least. Just concentrating on organising things and meetings.

Manager in latest monthly review : “we’d like you to be more hands off”.

How!?

That moment when the code doesn't compile due to an error in a different module that you never touched after merging the master branch into yours...

I havent touched swing in months, and now when i need to come back to it everything is Windowbuilder. Trouble is, nothing is included in Eclipse and I don't have time to go around hunting for the packages I need. Netbeans is marginally better, but GODDAMN its frustrating when it auto-gens code that you have to use N++ to edit...

When your up against a session issue and can't fucking work out why the session is lost, not one instance of the logout functionality is called and yet... the fucking thing decides to log you out anyway.

Now this was working all fine and dandy last week, and NOTHING has changed, as in not 1 fucking line of code for this process has been touched in 4 years.

It's like all of a sudden, Satan crawled out of this piece of shit site and decided I was to be toyed with.

As you can imagine, I'm a little pissed at this one, there's something hiding in the shadows fucking me in the ass.

I don't know if I should call this a rant or not. I spent most of X-mas hacking away my code I haven't touched over a year and released the library to NuGet. Woot!

This has to be the way devs should spent holidays

Today I learned/remember about something I haven't touched in years...

Multithreading and race conditions.

Took me an hour to finally get those locks and numbers to correct/decreasing in order...

Before I got like 73 5 times in a row...

There are a couple:

A system that updates user accounts to connect them into our wifi system by parsing thousands of processing files written in Clojure. The project was short lived and mainly experimental, It has complete test cases and the jar generated from it is still purring silently on the main application. It was used to replace an $85k vendor application that made no fucking sense. The code has not been touched in 2 years and the jar is still there. The dba mentioned the solution to the vendor, the vendor tried buying it from me, but being that it belongs to the institution nothing was touched, still, it got the VP's attention that I can make programs that would be bought for that level, it caught his attention even more when I showed him the codebase and he recognized a Lisp variant (he is old, and was back in the day a Fortran and Cobol developer)

A small Python categorical ML program that determines certain attributes of user generated data and effectively places them on the proper categories on the main DB. The program generates estimates of the users and the predictions have a 95% correctness rate. The DBA still needs to double check the generated results before doing the db updates. I don't remember how I coded it because I was mostly drunk when I experiment on the scenario. It also got the attention of the VP and director since the web tech manager was apparently doing crazy ML shit that they were not expecting me to do, it made them paranoid that I would eventually leave for a ML role somewhere, still here, but I want more moneys!!

A program that generates PDF documentation from user data, written in Go, Python and Perl (yes Perl) I even got shit from the lead developer since I used languages outside of their current scope of work. Dude had no option but to follow along with it :P since I am his boss

Many more. I am normally proud of my work code. But my biggest moment is my current ntural language processing unit that I am trying to code for my home, but I don't have enough power to build it with my computers, currently, my AI is too stupid, but sometimes it does reply back to my commands and does the things I ask it to do (simple things, opening a browser, search for a song etc) but 7 times out of ten it wont work :P

In the 90s most people had touched grass, but few touched a computer.

In the 2090s most people will have touched a computer, but not grass.

But at least we'll have fully sentient dildos armed with laser guns to mildly stimulate our mandatory attached cyber-clits, or alternatively annihilate thought criminals.

In other news my prime generator has exhaustively been checked against, all primes from 5 to 1 million. I used miller-rabin with k=40 to confirm the results.

The set the generator creates is the join of the quasi-lucas carmichael numbers, the carmichael numbers, and the primes. So after I generated a number I just had to treat those numbers as 'pollutants' and filter them out, which was dead simple.

Whats left after filtering, is strictly the primes.

I also tested it randomly on 50-55 bit primes, and it always returned true, but that range hasn't been fully tested so far because it takes 9-12 seconds per number at that point.

I was expecting maybe a few failures by my generator. So what I did was I wrote a function, genMillerTest(), and all it does is take some number n, returns the next prime after it (using my functions nextPrime() and isPrime()), and then tests it against miller-rabin. If miller returns false, then I add the result to a list. And then I check *those* results by hand (because miller can occasionally return false positives, though I'm not familiar enough with the math to know how often).

Well, imagine my surprise when I had zero false positives.

Which means either my code is generating the same exact set as miller (under some very large value of n), or the chance of miller (at k=40 tests) returning a false positive is vanishingly small.

My next steps should be to parallelize the checking process, and set up my other desktop to run those tests continuously.
Concurrently I should work on figuring out why my slowest primality tests (theres six of them, though I think I can eliminate two) are so slow and if I can better estimate or derive a pattern that allows faster results by better initialization of the variables used by these tests.

I already wrote some cases to output which tests most frequently succeeded (if any of them pass, then the number isn't prime), and therefore could cut short the primality test of a number. I rewrote the function to put those tests in order from most likely to least likely.

I'm also thinking that there may be some clues for faster computation in other bases, or perhaps in binary, or inspecting the patterns of values in the natural logs of non-primes versus primes. Or even looking into the *execution* time of numbers that successfully pass as prime versus ones that don't. Theres a bevy of possible approaches.

The entire process for the first 1_000_000 numbers, ran 1621.28 seconds, or just shy of a tenth of a second per test but I'm sure thats biased toward the head of the list.

If theres any other approach or ideas I may be overlooking, I wouldn't know where to begin.

You know what really grinds my gears?

When the CTO inserts himself into your development workflow even though he hasn't programed, let alone touched the keyboard in about 40 years.

Fuck, really FUCK the fucking MySQLWorkbench on Mac.
Useless piece of shit.
I fucking touched some fucking buttons and now I can't have my view back with query editor, output results, and schema view.

A fucking hour wasted restarting this shit of a tool touching things, nothing. All to execute a fucking stupid query.
AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKK
I NEED to work, not to understand how your stupid GUI works, designed by a cripple mind with poor IQ and developed by retarded

There is only one way of boiling spagetti (code)
1.Measure your required amount of spagetti (in project)
2.Wrong

I really want to go back home to my computer

what kind of torture is this?

I haven't touched a PC in weeks, almost a month.

I feel like I am experiencing withdrawal syndrome

what to do? 😪

Samsung make such shit phones. My 2 month old s8 completely locked up for about 5 hours today with cpu on 100%. You would get burnes if you touched it. The only apps I have are, instagram, FF, snap, devRant. Smh.

I have a web app that is currently running on a production server with no issues, but at the same time, it isn't working on my machine which I used to write, test, and deploy the app. The thing is, I haven't touched the code for a full month.

Now, I know this has to be logical and that there must be an reasonable explanation for all of this that I do not know yet.

However, and out of frustration, my mind wants to believe that there's some sorcery involved here or that a cosmic ray has actually penetrated the machine and messed its registers.

Damn the cosmic ray!

So I have a job interview on Monday for a marketing firm that works on a LAMP stack. Not a problem, since that's what I learned on and I love linux, but I haven't seriously touched PHP for years. So now I'm going back to do a refresher on OOP PHP and I'm like, "what the hell is a variable variable?"

Wish me luck..

Me to Me - I will Buy 1 Ethereum after Exams ( 8th Dec )

After Exam -
I will buy it soon.

Today -
Ethereum touched $700

"I once touched an Android I know my Linux"

Ugh I really wish I could just decide on something and role with it, haven't touched my book or website for a while so of course my websites code is all fucking horrible and spaghetti and I want to rewrite and revisit a lot of my book -,-

Why can't I just be happy with something like this!

It all began with an advanture.

i was travelling through codeland and met all sort of nice creatures. C++ and Java were among my first encounters. C++ was geary (full of gears) and java was objected (sorry made up of objects). nice folks. was still wandering when a halous (great, a halo around) person appeared. it was the nice python.

he likes to take his meeters (people who meet him) on a fairic (fairy-like) ride, passing countless of flexible alleys, open (source?) spaces as well as honey falls (waterfall-like streams).

but something was odd, really odd, .... travelling. you could not walk in here you had to fly. fly fly fly. no foot touched the land. no android they said.

or they said you have to put on a pair of shoes called kivy. the shoes fit according to no fixed rule. sometimes they worked, sometimes no. another pair of shoes called sls4. it was nice but unfortunately was only half a shoe long on each feet.

python android is still a dream, a nice binding kept ridiculously in the egg. it is yet to hatch.

I just want to like fucking push all this shit out from my desk and throw things I'm so angry right now i can't seem to start what I need to do today like I'm fucking paralysed

And shit seems to be happening like ghosts, literally things falling when I haven't even touched them pc being really fucking loud etc

Fucking Amazon locked my account for "suspicious" activity, just before I would have cancelled the Prime trial I subscribed to last week. I knew I shouldn't have touched this garbage, and here I am, unable to log in, or contact any kind of chat-based support.
At least I blocked Amazon from using my card again, but my movie night is ruined.

More marks for a bubble sort.

For those of you that know the bubble sort you may share my frustration. I built a simple python program that took three integers and sorted them using a series or compound if statements using no built in low and max functions. Someone in my college class did the same thing but used a bubble sort and got higher marks. This angers me, I had to write an algorithim in a language I had barely touched but this person just used old scrappy code and got higher marks. Only a little tease but you get the picture, bubble sort is inefficient.

<rant class="sysadmin">
Fuck you windows, haven't touched my PC in 2 months and I boot it first had to restore basic functions after that a Windows update came that broke everything in Windows, now I'm learning PowerShell to fix my broken windows and to install updates in the hope I get a working installation back.

Sometimes I just wish Core Data would die.

I logged the managed object context of each object being touched and they're all identical. 😑😑😑😑😑😑

"I'm gonna wake up early, and hammer out this feature, being super productive tomorrow"

Tomorrow comes:
- unexpected build errors
- unexpected runtime errors
- intermittent CI pipeline errors
- spends two hours trying to resolve errors
- literally hasn't touched the thing that's important

What else is going to go sideways? Watch Bitbucket or CircleCI fuck up and refuse to deploy this live for some stupid reason.