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Friend: Man you're a programmer why aren't you a billionaire already like the others??
Me: It's not that easy believe me.
Friend: I have a great idea for an app something like facebook...can be that hard?
Me: :/
Friend: you could do that instead of your no pay opensource shit...
Me: FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID BULLLLLSHIT GO FUCKING DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT !!!! YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE ..STUPID SON OF A BITCH.32 -
Client: When I hit the “Subscribe” button, it gives me an error.
Me: What’s the error message?
Client: The email field is required.
Me: Have you entered your email before hitting the “Subscribe” button.
Client: Oh, I have enter my email address?
Me: Yes
English is a very complicated language.7 -
B: you are not even a real developer
Me: ??
B: you are using windows
Me:
Me: what the fucking fuck did you just fucking say you little fuck? Ill have you know i have written at least 4 lines of code, commented once and have a stackoverlfow reputation of -7. I have completed every beginner level udemy course on applied brainfuck mathematics and have worked as a distributed data analyst with excel 03. You are nothing to me, every piece of code i write runs on exactly 3 billion devices and i have an unsuccessful facebook meme page. Bitch.5 -
Anyone know this bitch hacker 127.0.0.1 story?
WORST HACKERS OF ALL TIME
CONTINUED IN THE COMMENTS BECUASE IT IS SO LONG...
TLdr bitch hacker hacks himself by localhost
bitchchecker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
bitchchecker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
<bitchchecker> why do you kick me
<bitchchecker> can’t you discus normally
<bitchchecker> answer!
<Elch> we didn’t kick you
<Elch> you had a ping timeout: * bitchchecker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
<bitchchecker> what ping man
<bitchchecker> the timing of my pc is right
<bitchchecker> i even have dst
<bitchchecker> you banned me
<bitchchecker> amit it you son of a bitch
<HopperHunter|afk> LOL
<HopperHunter|afk> shit you’re stupid, DST^^
<bitchchecker> shut your mouth WE HAVE DST!
<bitchchecker> for two weaks already
<bitchchecker> when you start your pc there is a message from windows that DST is applied.
<Elch> You’re a real computer expert
<bitchchecker> shut up i hack you
<Elch> ok, i’m quiet, hope you don’t show us how good a hacker you are
<bitchchecker> tell me your network number man then you’re dead
<Elch> Eh, it’s 129.0.0.1
<Elch> or maybe 127.0.0.1
<Elch> yes exactly that’s it: 127.0.0.1 I’m waiting for you great attack
<bitchchecker> in five minutes your hard drive is deleted
<Elch> Now I’m frightened
<bitchchecker> shut up you’ll be gone
<bitchchecker> i have a program where i enter your ip and you’re dead
<bitchchecker> say goodbye
<Elch> to whom?
<bitchchecker> to you man
<bitchchecker> buy buy
<Elch> I’m shivering thinking about such great Hack0rs like you
bitchchecker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
bitchchecker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
<bitchchecker> dude be happy my pc crashed otherwise you’d be gone
<Metanot> lol
<Elch> bitchchecker: Then try hacking me again… I still have the same IP: 127.0.0.1
<bitchchecker> you’re so stupid man
<bitchchecker> say buy buy
<Metanot> ah, [Please control your cussing] off
<bitchchecker> buy buy elch
bitchchecker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
bitchchecker (~java@euirc-9ff3c180.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
<bitchchecker> elch you son of a bitch
<Metanot> bitchchecker how old are you?
<Elch> What’s up bitchchecker?
<bitchchecker> you have a frie wal
<bitchchecker> fire wall
<Elch> maybe, i don’t know
<bitchchecker> i’m 26
<Metanot> such behaviour with 26?
<Elch> how did you find out that I have a firewall?
<Metanot> tststs this is not very nice missy
<bitchchecker> because your gay fire wall directed my turn off signal back to me
<bitchchecker> be a man turn that shit off
<Elch> cool, didn’t know this was possible.
<bitchchecker> thn my virus destroys your pc man
<Metanot> are you hacking yourselves?
<Elch> yes bitchchecker is trying to hack me
<Metanot> he bitchchecker if you’re a hacker you have to get around a firewall even i can do that
<bitchchecker> yes man i hack the elch but the sucker has a fire wall the
<Metanot> what firewall do you have?
<bitchchecker> like a girl
<Metanot> firewall is normal a normal hacker has to be able to get past it…you girl
<He> Bitch give yourself a jackson and chill you’re letting them provoce you and give those little girls new material all the time
<bitchchecker> turn the firewall off then i send you a virus [Please control your cussing]er
<Elch> Noo
<Metanot> he bitchchecker why turn it off, you should turn it off
<bitchchecker> you’re afraid
<bitchchecker> i don’t wanna hack like this if he hides like a girl behind a fire wall
<bitchchecker> elch turn off your shit wall!
<Metanot> i wanted to say something about this, do you know the definition of hacking??? if he turns of the firewall that’s an invitation and that has nothing to do with hacking
<bitchchecker> shut up
<Metanot> lol
<bitchchecker> my grandma surfs with fire wall
<bitchchecker> and you suckers think you’re cool and don’t dare going into the internet without a fire wall
<Elch> bitchchecker, a collegue showed me how to turn the firewall off. Now you can try again
<Metanot> bitchhacker can’t hack
<Black<TdV>> nice play on words
<bitchchecker> wort man
<Elch> bitchchecker: I’m still waiting for your attack!
<Metanot> how many times again he is no hacker
<bitchchecker> man do you want a virus
<bitchchecker> tell me your ip and it deletes your hard drive
<Metanot> lol ne give it up i’m a hacker myself and i know how hackers behave and i can tell you 100.00% you’re no hacker..30 -
Do not continue reading if you value your life.
Visual fucking studio 2015 installation. MOTHERFUCKER !!!
OK new project will only work on VS2015. Need to download it. OK, go to MS website. Project works with community edition. Fucking great. Download the installer. Run the installer. MOTHERFUCKER DON'T OPEN THE FUCKING BROWSER TO THANK ME, YOU FUCKING FUCK. Ok...Wait to download the packages. One fucking eternity later download completes. FUCKING GREAT. Proceed to package installation. After two fucking hours installation progress bar stays the same. Google "vs 2015 installation stuck windows 7". MOTHERFUCKING BACKGROUND PROCESS IS FUCKING STUCK AND INSTALLATION DOES NOT CONTINUE. FUCK YOU. I'VE LOST TWO HOURS. OK, stop the process. Installation gets cancelled. Run the installer again. STOP THANKING ME YOU PIECE OF SHIT :@ OK, check again all downloaded packages. All good. Continue with installation. Installation completes. MOTHERFUCKER WHY YOU WANT TO RESTART THE WHOLE SYSTEM ? FUCK YOUR WINDOWS UPDATES. Ok, restart and be done with it. SSD to the rescue. Try to set up the project.
MOTHERFUCKER I DIDN'T INSTALL THE C++ PACKAGES. WTF WERE YOU DOING ALL THAT TIME? OK, run installer again and install C++ packages. I SWEAR TO GOD MICROSOFT, IF YOU THANK ME ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME, YOU'RE GETTING HATE MAIL.
Ok, installation completes. It's coding time. NO BITCH. VS2015 silently crashes after splash screen. :@@@ Google wtf is wrong again, turns out the C++ packages fuck shit up. Ok, pass some arguments to devenv.exe to reset. Restart VS. Ok, seems to be working now. Make a test project. Fucking awesome. Close VS and get the project files from perforce.
OK, files downloaded. Open VS again....
VS: "You're my bitch, you won't code today. Run from console and pass some shitty reset parameters"
YOU FUCKING FUCK. GO FUCK YOURSELF UP YOUR FUCKING ARSE. Ok, pass the parameters from console. Run again. Same "you're my bitch message" :@ OK, run with administrator rights, opens like charm. Run without admin rights again, "you're my bitch message". :@@@@@
Restart system, VS2015 finally opens project normally. Build project, 6934 errors.... :@ I'M DONE ! IM GOING BACK TO LINUX PROJECT. FUCK YOU ALL.18 -
passionately making love on Friday morning.
Cellphone buzzes for WhatsApp notification, ignored.
Call ignored, SMS ignored, again call, ignored.
She : whose that bitch calling you?
Me : it's no one important.
She : Checks WhatsApp, message from CTO, server crashed.
Me : Umm, darling, I need to fix this.
It's been 2 days she hasn't answered my call after she left.15 -
My linkedin profile = ~7 years as an iOS developer. All of my job titles are "iOS Developer", "iOS Engineer" or "Mobile lead".
Recruiter: Hi, your profile looks great, I have a number of open roles matching your skills. Would you be free for a call to discuss your salary expectations, skills, what you are looking for etc.
Me: Hi, sorry I don't have time for a call right now, here are answers to your questions. Can you send me on any iOS job specs you have and i'll review. <answers>
Recruiter: Sorry I have no open iOS roles at this time.
Bitch ... ima find you and make you understand5 -
Da Fuck!?!
Yesterday I found some abnormal activity on my server, someone was trying to brute force my ssh as root since two days! Started raging and installed fail2ban (which automatically bans an IP if it fails to log X times and eventually sends me an email). Woke up this morning to find that a fucking Chinese guy/malware spent the whole night trying to brute Force me!
Fucking cunt! Don't you have any better to do!!
My key is a 32 characters long encrypted key, with the ban he can try 3 passwords /2 hours, good luck brute forcing it you bitch!
36 -
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
++111111110 on devrant. This is my moment to shine, my account completely blew up. I am the Elon Musk of devrant. I am the coolest bitch on this website, bow before me you peasants!
... wait, is this binary?7 -
Also a big “fuck you” to whoever decided under any circumstance holding the power button down on a computer case meant anything other than shut this mother fucker all the way down and try the fuck again.
Gahhh. When I hold the power button I don’t what you to sleep, I want you to die! I’m electronically smothering your bitch ass. When I’m holding down the power button to restart, the computer should feel like it’s being waterboarded! Like these may be it’s last moments on Earth if it doesn’t act right and get in compliance! No it’s not nap time, it’s time to shut up or shut down...forever!9 -
Alright wikipedia, i see that you're in a crisis, but I just send 5€ your way. That should not be the fucking signal to unleash popup hell on me. Fucking 4 out of 5 pages now come with that popup. "if rveryone woukd just send $2..."
BITCH I SEND YOU 5€, STOP DEEPTHROATING ME YOUR UNGRATEFUL COCK10 -
A girl I used to have a crush on suddenly contacted after 2 years because she still thinks of me as one of her "best friends", and was sorry that she "hurt" me. After a few minutes talking, I knew she just wanted to get her new website done... Go to hell you fucking bitch20
-
Me: I'm gonna write some code today. Try to push more commits in a single day than I did last week.
Github: You only get half a contribution tile today, bitch.
5 -
PM finds my prized stress ball and draws a face on it. When asked why she said "it looked depressed".
THATS THE LOGO YOU DUMB BITCH. PLEASE DON'T TOUCH MY SHIT
On the bright side... Good thing I have this stress ball to relieve my anger 😒
16 -
Talking to Best Buy customer support live chat trying to price match using friend’s laptop.
Typed in “<b>Hello</b>”
Oh cool.. it comes out as bold. Let’s get a scary as fuck screamer gif and img src it.
Me: *Posts picture*
Me: *Waits a few seconds*
Me: “Did you see that picture?”
Support: “No. Sir, could you tell me the item you want to price match?”
Me: “Okay hold on.”
Typed in “<script type=‘text/javascript’>window.alert(‘OOGA BOOGA BITCH’);</script>”
Me: “Did you see that?”
Friend: “Dude stop.”
I push my friend away since I’m on his Best Buy account.
Me: “Did you see a pop up?”
Support: “No.”
Me: “Okay okay hold on.”
You have left the chat.10 -
Just going to come out and say it.
If you wait until 4pm on a Friday to hit me up to fix your problems, you're a fucking gangrene twat.
I won't be taking care of your shit until Tuesday you dumb bitch.4 -
WHAT THE FLYING FUCK WINDOWS???
You change the icon for the multi desktop button... ok fine,
*clicks*
son of a bitch now contains Bing Ads
Fuck you Windows, and Fuck me for not being able to find a linux distro that will fucking boot after install correctly, and FUCK you acer for not having linux support.
28 -
When you stare at your syntactically correct but logically wrong code for hours but can't find that little bitch of an error.
And then you call up your colleague, and it doesn't take him 4.3seconds to spot it.
-___________________-5 -
1. Just because it sounds cool doesn't mean it is.
2. Automate all the things. If you can see everything from cli all the better.
3. If it isn't commited and pushed, it doesn't exist or won't after a hard drive burnout
4. Everything on your workstation should be quickly reproduceable or in a git repo.
5. Murphy is a bitch3 -
"I thought you were supposed to be good with computers"...
Yeah, let me just pull my fucking printer fixing degree out of my crusty asshole so you can bitch more about some other technology that I almost never use but assume I can just immediately fix just because I'm a dev
...mom2 -
Take my dollar. Take. My. Dollar.
TAKE MY DOLLAR. I WANT A DR PEPPER. THIS IS A GOOD DOLLAR. ACCEPT IT. YOU ARE MY MECHANICAL BITCH. I WISH TO EXCHANGE MONEY FOR GOODS. I WILL LITERAL-
Oh, okay. You took it. That's what I thought.4 -
Friend: I don’t need git. Git is for people like you who cant do good backup of their code
Me: Yeah, yeah, go do whatever you like...
2h later comes to me:
Friend: Can you make me repo and show how to use it...?
Me: What..? You drunk?
Friend: Naaah, no... My disk broke while ago...
Karma is a bitch :D6 -
WTF? I've been laid off more than a month ago, AND THIS EXTRA-STUPID ACCOUNTING BRAT TEXTS MY PERSONAL PHONE TO COMPLAIN THAT SOME REPORT IS BROKEN.
(she still works for my former company, if that wasn't clear)
Bitch, you fucks literally told me this shit wasn't my problem anymore. Seriously, where do they find those complete morons? Don't they know how "being sacked" works? Or how you cannot expect any work from someone who was sacked?!?
Especially some sheila that only has a job because it is literally illegal to use a pocket calculator instead of an "human" accountant.
Fuck, now I'm kinda happy I'm out of that nuthouse.23 -
LEARN THE FUCKING WORDS!
I know that English isn't the native language of my country, but for fucks sake, if I'm telling you the right way to say/write it, remember it!
It's called ROM not ROOM
It's called Mod not Mood
Am I good with Custom ROM's? Yeah
Am I good with Custom Rooms? No, I'm not a fucking interior designer
Am I enjoying Moto Mods? Of course
Am I enjoying Moto Moods? Vruum Vruum bitch.16 -
My first IT interview, for a 1st Line Support job. I took 2 trains there and fully intended to make that journey every day until I could afford a car.
First interview question: "I've checked the train times from where you live, we have shift patterns which start at 7:30 but the earliest you can get here is 7:50, how would you get here on those early shifts?"
You bitch, you knew I wasn't going to get the fucking job and you still made me travel all the fucking way here.
I answered everything else fine but of course wasn't successful. They didn't even have the decency to let me know afterwards.3 -
import java.util.Exception;
try {
public class A {
public static void main(String args[]) {
new Exception();
}
}
}
catch(Exception e) {
System.out.println("Got you BITCH");
}
9 -
First day of work. I would think that the company would have prepared a bloody workstation for me but hey, didn't think much of it. Only spent about 15 fucking minutes finding the right computer to give me.
Next, I had to open visual studio 2013 to set up (I meditated the night before for this). It then gave the usual "This may take a few minutes" bullshit message. That message appeared at 0900. It is now 0930. 30 BLOODY FUCKING MINUTES!! At the 15th minute mark, I decided to check the computer's properties, wondering why it was taking its sweet ass time. I couldn't believe my bloody, fucking, god-given eyes. 4GB OF FUCKING RAM INSTALLED ON A FUCKING 32-BIT WIN7 OS! AND ONLY 2.99GB IS USABLE!! HOW DO THEY EXPECT ME TO DEVELOP WITH THAAAAAT???? CHROME TAKES UP LIKE ALL OF THAT!! &#;?@,×&@@&*×,×&;÷*÷, EID MWMALWMDNLWKSNSKSKDKKEMSKAKASLSMDBDNSNMSM
I SWEAR IF I DONT GET A CHANGE IN COMPUTERS, I WILL PUNCH A MOTHERFUCKING BITCH!11 -
I love when job postings are like, you will use THIS tool, and THIS is how it will be accomplished!!!! NO EXCEPTIONS!!!
bitch, i'm the senior engineer, I should be the one picking and choosing tools to match your needs, not you and HR pals!
no wonder your job offer still isnt' filled!
i'd love to ask these organizations why they chose such boomer technologies in the first place and why there is no effort to change to much more developer / user friendly tools.... just a red flag from the start11 -
Teacher: Who do you think you are, young man?
Me: I am DA GREATEST!
Teacher: -_- ... Says who?
Me: Google BITCH!
5 -
"You use a Mac. How cute. You must not know anything about computers, Apple fanboy. Windows is far superior."
"Unix, bitch. Fuck you."
#atleastuselinuxffs9 -
Windows you absolute bitch. No prompt, nothing. Just started updating in the middle of my unsaved homework.
31 -
Fucking precious fragile snowflake dick heads.
Some bot beats a contact form captcha and an email with "offensive" content gets into a mailbox, and they're immediately shouting to HR that we're not protecting them from it.
Bitch, we'll NEVER be able to shield your super special self from all the big nasty bad men on the net - GET THICKER SKIN YOU THUNDERCUNT
One more fucking whine like that, and I'm gonna get far more offensive than your fucking inbox8 -
What kind of cum gargling gerbil shelfer stores and transmits user passwords in plain text, as well as displays them in the clear, Everywhere!
This, alongside other numerous punishable by death, basic data and user handling flaws clearly indicate this fucking simpleton who is "more certified than you" clearly doesn't give a flying fuck about any kind of best practice that if the extra time was taken to implement, might not totally annihilate the company in lawsuits when several big companies gang up to shower rape us with lawsuits over data breaches.
Even better than that is the login fields don't even differentiate between uppercase or lowercase, I mean WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DO YOU SELF RIGHTEOUS IGNORANT CUNTS THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN IN THIS SCENARIO?13 -
*INCOMING CALL FROM MY NETWORK PROVIDER*
HI,
I'm calling from *my network provider* and I wanted to check if you would like to port to our network.
This happened 3 times in a day already. And now 4th time.
Me : Look man, I'm already on the same network and I don't need to port.
Guy : You should have told this to me in the beginning. You wasted my time in not doing that.
THIS CUM DRINKING PIECE OF SHIT PUNKASS BITCH MOTHERFUCKER COULDN'T DO A SIMPLE SEARCH ON HIS COMPUTER BEFORE GIVING ME A CALL AND THEN TELLS ME I WASTED HIS TIME.5 -
Client calls at 3AM, telling me an issue he reported which I told him was already solved in a new update hasn't been solved. He tells me that I'm lying because the issue is still there. The son of a bitch didn't even update the flicking app. Sincerely, fuck you.4
-
This is how y'all look when you bitch about programming languages in which your experience with it does not go beyond trivial hello world shit.
4 -
That bitch....
- Run a Win10 in a VM
- Have >20GB of free space on host
- W10 decides to download updates
- your host OS runs out of free space
- VM gets paused due to lack of free space
20GB for an update.. seriously..
seriously...
I mean..
Seriously....
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????
*eye twitching*14 -
[1 year ago]
Fren: Make me web design
Me: Sure credit me or pay me whatevs
[Literally makes a good web design, I could've uploaded on dribble or shit]
[Gives it to fren, takes full credit on his own]
Me:
9 -
User gives me a Mac to work on, States that it “only needs Microsoft office Mac installed”
Okay.
Boot up the laptop....
**Mac OS X utilities**
Hmmm, odd. Reboot.
**Mac OS X utilities**
You’ve got to be shitting me. Call user —
Her - “NO! It was working when I gave it to you, you fix it. I’m not paying to get my laptop returned broken. It was working when I gave it to you!”
Me - “I’m sorry, but it wasn’t. I literally turned it on and this is what it stated * read her the message*
Her - “I don’t believe you, you did something to my computer.”
YOU FUCK! THE FUCK I DID! YOU LITERALLY JUST HANDED ME THE GOD DAMN THING! Can I PLEASE curb stomp this bitch, please....12 -
OK. FUCK YOU REACT-ROUTER AND YOUR FUCKED UP "SHOULD BE STRAIGHT FORWARD" IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND DOCUMENTATION AND HALF BAKED EXAMPLES OF INCONSISTENT VERSIONS.
FUCK YOU WITH A TRUCK INSIDE YOUR BITCH ASS12 -
For fucks sake I'm getting tired of this company. We have an app that's been developed on a VERY tight budget with a team and it's nearly completed/basically done few fixes here and there. They keep going to meetings with clients and promising more than the fucking app does! BITCH IT TOOK 6 MONTHS OF DEV TIME IF YOU WANTED THOSE OTHER FEATURES WHY DIDN'T YOU PUT IT IN THERE SOME FUCKING TIME.
And now since I'm in charge of the remnants of whats left, they keep asking me to make demos of ridiculous new features to show to new clients. BUT THATS NOT WHAT THE FUCKING UP DOES AND WERE OUT OF BUDGET!!!
I explain this. Every fucking day. I'm told they understand. Then I'm asked to make a fucking glittery demo with some bullshit features we don't have YET FUCKING AGAIN. BITCH I WILL QUIT THIS SHIT!
IF I SPEND ALL MY TIME MAKING THE FUCKING DEMOS, I CANT FINISH THE MAIN APP YOU FUCKTARDS. STOP PROMISING SHIT WE DONT HAVE!9 -
Social media censorship is such a fucked up shithole of bullshit.
Ig thot models post their asses and tits on there about twice a week and it's not a big problem at all. Just turn a blind eye to that.
But God forbid you post something that is vaguely mean or anything political that isn't center to left, and that bitch is getting deleted for bullying or harassment.
I commented on this post and basically just said "your mom sounds like a bitch" but that got deleted for harassment. Is that really what harassment is? Well holy fuck I harass my friends like a few dozen times a day so I should probably get arrested.
Gotta love having speech censored under the umbrella of "pReVeNtiNg BuLlYiNg".
20 -
Iphone 7, with everything you already had minus a port,
➕ some extra dollars,
because it's Apple bitch.6 -
<Email thread>
Manager: Hey @iiii, please, create stories for {things that shall be done}. You will be responsible for that implementation next sprint.
Me: *procrastinating like a bitch*
**several hours later**
Dev from another team: Actually, we discussed that with {upper management guy} and it seems like those things are unapplicable for current project, so we'll send a letter to {client} to remove those requirements.
Manager: @iiii, don't create stories.
</Email thread>
Me: *welp, good thing I did exactly nothing so far*6 -
Try pair programming! I've never had an official pair programming session, but I'll be damned if my best code and quickest solutions didn't come from having a bitch session with my coworker. Just having to talk it out or having that second set of eyes can work wonders. Plus you have a built-in de-stressing outlet to help you sleep at night.3
-
Let's play a game.
Since using teams for the last two years I've been allowing MS to tap into my life story for work to produce some hilariously scary analytics on my work schedule.
For anyone interested:
https://myanalytics.microsoft.com
Now let's pull some data out and think about wtf is going on here.
Weekly average for "focus" vs "collaboration"
Now this is a % of time you have not being stuck in meetings, calls, ect, based on the pass 4 weeks of data.
I have a 93% collaboration vs 7% focus time - or leave me the fuck alone time.
That's literally 35 of my 38 working hours a week in some kind of call or dealing with emails 😅
Speaking of emails: what in the fuck am I supposed to do with 5,109 emails and 403 calls on teams in a month?
It's like I need a receptionist for this shit.
And on that note, im hitting the rum for the day 🥃🥃🥃4 -
You fucking son of a bitch!
First you make me do a project in two fucking months, and that's a fucking job-load for only one dev to deliver a SPA with payments and whatsoever.
Then you pushed me to accelerate deployment date and there I am, getting tired and using time I don't have.
But oh no, you prick, that wasn't enough, you had to do just one thing. YOU HAD TO DO ONE FUCKING THING!
What's that? Oh, sorry, I thought I overheard that you wanted to accept online payments but YOU'RE NOT FUCKING SIGNED UP, YOUR BUSSINESS IS NOT LEGAL UNTIL YOU REGISTER IT.
Motherfucker, I can't do anything, you better fucking register your bussiness if you want this to work the way it's supposed to do. -
I got a callback for mobile app development, I told them I had only worked in Android. When I got to the actual interview, "ok, your Resume and all is fine and all, but we are actually looking for an iOS developer" I stood up and walked out. I mean what in the name of holy fucking hell were you thinking you miserable son of a bitch.3
-
I don't know who you are but I will find you and I will install linux in your pc
Fuck off bitch
My bios is password protected9 -
Every fucking time, I apply for a role that suits, NOT SOME SUPER SENIOR ROLE THAT REQUIRES HUGE FUCKING EXPERIENCE, I get an email "After careful consideration, we've decided not to move on" BITCH YOU HAVENT EVEN MENTIONED WHAT YOU HAVE "CAREFULLY" CONSIDERED, I HAVENT APPLIED FOR SOME SPECIAL SPACE SCIENTIST POSITION YA CUNT.10
-
You know the anxiety that is caused by having your boss breathing down your neck as you fix something?
.....
WELL I DON'T
SIT DOWN MOTHERFUCKER AND WATCH THIS SHIT
I fucking invite this micromanaging fuckery. Come on dude get closer and check this shit out. Countless hours perfecting my sweet skills, lemme show them to you and make yo dumbass feel inadequate AF
dude was literally looking as i saved the day over some fuckery that happened while i was taking care of alllll the other motherfucking support tickets.
Dude even said wow.
I said "i am in this bitch what's up?"
Guarantee mfkers won't fuck with you if you show them how much of a fucking boss you are.
*doesn't drop mic
*smashes guitar instead8 -
FOR FUCK SAKE APPLE! HOW THE HELL ARE YOU STILL IN THIS WORLD!
Was creating a signed file of the app to upload to their store and while XCode (that bitch!) was working on it, Slack, and Postman crashed!
Do I need to say why or you already knew it is because XCode ate all the RAM -.-7 -
This is more of a wishful thinking scenario......but language/tech stack/whatever bashing.
Look, I get it, we like development, we would not be here if we didn't like it. But as my good friend @Stuxnet has mentioned in the past, making this a personality trait is fucking retarded, lame, small, and overall pathetic. I agree with this sentiment 100%
Because of this a lot of people have form some sort of elitist viewpoint concerning the technologies that people use, be it Java, C#, C++, Rust, PHP, JS, whatever, the same circle jerk of bashing on shit just seems completely fucking retarded. I am hoping for a new mentality being that most of us are younger, even if you are a 50+ year old developer, maturity should give you a different perspective, but alas, immaturity and a bitchy attitude carried throughout years of self dick sucking implications would render this null.
I could not give two fucks if the dude next to me is coding his shit in whatever as long as best practices are followed, proper documentation is enforced, results are being brought to our customers(which regardless of how much you try to convince us, none of your customers are fucking elite level) and happiness is ensured, then so fucking be it.
Gripes bitches and complaints are understandable, I dislike a couple of things about my favorite tools, and often wish certain features be involved in my particular tech stacks, does this make stuff bad? no, does it make me or anyone else less of a developer,? no so why give a fuck? bitch when shit bites you in the ass when someone does not know what the fuck they are doing with a language that permits writing bullshit. Which to be honest ALL of them fucking allow. Not one is saved from this. But NOT knowing how to work a solution, or NOT understanding a tech stack does not give you AUTOMATIC FULL insight on how x technology operates, thinking as such is so fucking arrogant and annoying.
But I am getting tired of looking at posts from Timmy, a 18 year old "dev" from whothefuckcares bitch about shit when they have never even made a fucking penny out of their "development" endeavors just because they read some dickhead's opinion on the internet regarding x tech stack and believes that adopting their bullshit troll ass virgin ideas makes them l337.
Get your own fucking opinion on things, be aggressive and stand fucking straight, maybe get some fucking pussy(or dick, whatever) and for fucks's sake learn to interact with other fucking human beings, take a fucking run, play games, break out from your whinny bitch ass shell, talk to that person that intimidates you, take a run, do yoga, martial arts anything that would break you out from being such a small little bitch.
Just fucking do something that keeps you from shitting on people 24/7 365/ a year.
We used to bitch about incompetent managers, shit bosses, fucking ludicrous assignments. Retarded shit that some other dev did, etc, etc. Seems like every other fucking retard getting into this community starts with stupid ass JS/PHP/Python/Java/C#/ whatever jokes and you idiots keep upvoting that shit. Makes those n00bs gain credability. Fuck me shit is so pathetic.
basically, make dev rant great again.
No fuck off and have a beer, or tea or whatever y'all drink.13 -
Fuck you and your bullshit Teams meetings.
I hope you die a painful and slow death while your servers burst in flames and you hang yourselves.
You schedule 4 of them, then bitch about how developers aren’t getting any work done.
Maybe if you didn’t suffocate them with your bullshit meetings they would.
I am looking forward for the contract to expire or in this project so I can finally get some peace.
Fuck your stupid meetings. You deserve to be arrested and shot by the Gestapo (or KGB, whichever you find more evil).
17 -
Client: But why is it so expensive to host a website? I mean you could host Wordpress on a cheap like 10$/month webspace, right?
Inner me: Bitch, you have a fucked up Symfony 2.1 website that only runs on PHP 5.3 plus a Wordpress site, with a lot of updates not done, plus you have a huge traffic at peak times, like once a week
Me: Well you know, the services you are running require a lot of resources...3 -
This dude that i been helping on his project for free wants me to travel to his city(which is in a different country) to discuss the project and what's missing lmao hahahahahahahahahahahahaha yeah right.
Wondering how he managed to text with his head so far up his ass.
Fucking idiot.
Suuuure thing buddy, guess i will be paying for all my expenses as well using the money you have not given me? Fuck you think this is? If i agreed to help out it was to help one of your developers who so happen to be my boy and even he knows u is full of shit
Think this is my first rodeo? Bitch asked me to send him the project and i fucking denied it and he didn't like it. Said the code is his lmfao not ze fuck is not. No contract? Bitch your ass can come on over to Texas and demand it. Damn sure your dumbass is going to dislike demanding shit looking down the barrel of a .45
Fucking idiot2 -
I'm beyond pissed as of now. hostgator, FUCK YOU.
YOUR GODDAMN PORTAL IS DOWN. PORTAL.HOSTGATOR.COM IS DOWN.
PLEASE HOSTGATOR, STOP BEING A BIGGER BITCH THAN MY LARGE FEMALE DOG.
end of rant, a hosting company should really be able to keep THEIR OWN FUCKING WEBSITE UP.5 -
Walking down the street today eating this amazing croissant and sipping iced coffee when I run into this old lady and she was like “hey how are you?” And I was like “good thanks want some of this croissant it’s absolutely delicious” and she was like “No thanks, I want to tell you that those who eat alone, die alone”…
Like wow the audacity of this bitch. Get your old wrinkly latex skin with blotches lookin ass outta my face before you die alone today hoe.
Don’t take no shit from nobody - treat yourself like you the shit.27 -
Had my pure PHP web app rejected on a market platform because I didn't use a framework..
BITCH IT WORKS PERFECTLY WITHOUT A FUCKING FRAMEWORK, IF YOU WOULD HAVE TESTED IT YOU WOULD HAVE SEEN THAT!22 -
YOU FUCKING FUCK PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT XCODE I FUCKING WISH YOU DISAPPEAR FROM THIS FUCKED UP WORLD!
What I did:
1. Scroll right on "Magic Mouse"
2. Profit! (XCode crash!)5 -
People that post shit like "if you believe/support x, then unfollow me" are some extremely conceited and childish morons.
For starters, surrounding yourself with only people who think just like you will make you extremely close minded, which is ironic as fuck because in my experience these people believe x and bitch at y for being close minded whenever they're just as guilty as y.
Secondly is your head that far up your own ass that you can't accept that people aren't gonna be like a flock of sheep and all believe one thing? That's the great thing about us: we're given the opportunity to have our own opinion but these retards don't like whenever people exercise that right. It's tragic how retarded some people actually are.30 -
Ladies and gentlemen.
Back in 2009 when I started coding, some dickhead told me to not learn Vim because professional developers normally use IDEs for shit instead of text editors.
Being the kind of person that I am, I shrugged him off as the cocksucker that he was and decided to learn Vim anyway.
Fast forward to 2015 up to 2018
I
Use
That
Bitch
Religiously
At work. For fucking everything since it is what you have when you ssh into a server and lemme tell ya this:
I you guys thought being a Vim master ain't dropping no one's panties....boy u wrong af.
And nano is fine too, but why settle for less when you can be a complete vim black wizard?38 -
Dear XCode I hope you fucking burn in hell you piece of shit! can't do anything without that shit either indexing, or freezing, or crashing!
FUCK YOU BITCH!9 -
Sorry bitch raised her voice at me because “it’s ITs job to change a lightbulb!” BITCH! I will shove that fucking lightbulb down your throat.... and I’ll make damn sure it busts so you NEVER raise your annoying fucking voice at me again.13
-
My bitch ass employer won't allow work from home saying unless government enforces it, he can't allow it and reason he is giving is that wE wOn't be AbLE tO communicAtE via SkyPE?
I am so pissed that such people. Everyone citizen has non serious attitude that they saying things like "Nothing gonna happen", "Chill, you are panic way to much about the Corona virus", while number of cases are increasing exponentially here too!
WTF,
I have realized that people don't understand something unless it happens to them.
This is shit.
As rational beings, we should be taking drastic measures while we can but NO!
Fuck You!13 -
Major update went good through the IT side.
Somehow on a different department, some moron botched up what he had to do (he has a technical role, but he is no programmer or analyst or anything like that and even though he is an admin (with big fucking quotes) no one here would call him so.
He fucks his shit up, and the DBA and myself have to go and fix it. Fine, whatever.
Why am I ranting? Because this bitch sent an email tagging half the board and every other VP stating that it was I.T's fault this happened. Somehow, she had forgotten that she had tagged me into that email since she tagged the Web Developer section email.
I did not give two flying fucks and in front of everyone called them out on what actually happened. I was polite and used some very non-directed "bitch it was you" comments. But it pissed me off that she did that shit behind I.T's back.
Everyone in that email replied saying thank you.....except for her.
I will slap a hoe, I swear.13 -
Thank you windows update and Lenovo for trying to update my bios and failing in the process.
Now this computer that doesn’t even show bios. Fucking bitch ass pieces of shit.
Stay the fuck away from my bios windows, you shit eating trash of an os.12 -
You dumb bitch. I will get to your fucking low level ticket when I’m done doing more important shit. How do you have a job if you don’t know how to use fucking excel?! GOOGLE IT you fuck!
-
Called in on a Saturday... I’d rather have my underwear ride up for the rest of my life than having to deal with your bitch ass not knowing how to run a FUCKING computer.
No, I promise it’s working fine you dense fuck. You just don’t know how to fucking run it. Perhaps instead of calling me in, why not ask your other coworkers how to preform the task that you’re failing to learn.
And the shit thing is, I’ve explained this so many fucking times. It’s not my fault you won’t retain the mother fucking information you cheeky bastard.
STOP FUCKING CALLING ME! - who the fuck even gave you my personal number you fuck!5 -
Worst part: being everyone else's Search Bitch. Seriously, how the hell do you have a job in the tech industry when you can't use a fucking search engine, whether it's Google, a builtin search facility or, hell, scrolling down the goddamn page?3
-
When someone says that Node.js cannot become enterprise standard like Java. Bitch what the fuck is Netflix, Yahoo, WalMart and PayPal using. Fuck you!17
-
That annoying co-worker that asks you each and everything about programming and when you tell them, they be like "Oh I already knew that"
WTF Bitch!3 -
!dev rant about social media 🤡 s like this one.
I hate when people seek for a reason to bitch on social media. This tweet for example.
1) I went to a small high school (small compared to a lot) and we still had a personal management class and this was covered.
2) Who the fuck uses checks still.
3) It's addition and subtraction, not brain surgery.
4) if you actually cared, Google it. There's a shit ton of information on balancing a check book out there.
5) You're probably in debt due to a shitty lifestyle combined with terrible money management, but keep playing victim. It's never your fault.
But of course she doesn't care. It's another case of someone wanting a reason to bitch and moan on social media. Get a hobby you clown.
28 -
Nothing pisses me off more than a manager that keeps demanding shit but when you ask for support they deny it from you. well guess what? two can play this game, bitch.2
-
Eclipse, you lousy shit bitch of an ass hole - yeah I went there.
So I spent several hours today trying to get eclipse to:
1) just fucking launch without erroring out and crashing
2) actually work with a reasonable dark theme. (Yea right)
But no you hunk of shit, both of these seems nearly impossible for you. And just when I get you to work, the stupid fucking lack of syntax highlighting is just dreadful as fuck. If I didn’t have to use it for Salesforce development I sure as hell wouldn’t. -
One of my biggest pet peeves is when I see people say shit like "fix it now" when a bug pops up.
Like bitch go fix it since you're such a fucking intelligent individual. You can't? Well then, shut the fuck up and let them fix it. They're human too, ya know2 -
!dev && rant
> be me
> headphones on
> hands packed with shopping bags
Some old bitch neighbor that I can't stand: oh hi!
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU MAKING ME TAKE OFF MY HEADPHONES FOR!?
Seriously. When someone has his hands stuffed with groceries and has headphones on, maybe they don't want to stop, put their bags down, take their headphones off and say no more than another hi. Like not even anything else, just hi and walk away! What's the fucking point!? Making me pause and waste time just for the hell of it? Thank you old bitch.9 -
My lead developer has a tendency of saying "that movie fucking sucks" every time I mention a movie.
From Saturday to Sunday, I have seen ready player one a total of 6 times. If tomorrow I mention it and he says that it sucked I am gonna go ahead and Texas bitch slap him across the face with the power of Spielberg.
There is only so much trolling I can take my dudes. And I really fucking enjoyed the movie.
If you haven't seen it then please go ahead!!!20 -
My first rant...
Every time a coworker asks for an enhancement, the request is followed by "it should be easy to implement".
1) If you think it's easy, then you obviously know the code better than me, right?
2) The idea of the enhancement may be easy, but you don't think about how a small change can have a cascading effect throughout the entire process... and potentially in a catastrophic way.
Happens every time. Maybe I'm just bitch eating crackers at this point, but it annoys me when people analyze something they have no idea how to write themselves.5 -
Just watching NCIS.
Abby: I just checked the j and the f key for fingerprints, because you lay your fingers there, when you think about what to do.
Me: Bitch, I'm a gamer, I lay my fingers on LShift,A,W,D,Space.4 -
I really despise the non-tech sluts who think their only job is to hold meetings and "talk". "Do you wannaa taalk about iiit?" Fuck you bitch you're not my therapist.2
-
Fucking hate it when the moment I sleep, the "spaceX is live" notification awakens me and after 15 minutes of waiting, that bitch says "the plan rescheduled for next week". Don't you really know your fucking rocket has problems 10 minutes before takeoff? really? shit, Now I have to read some idiot rants to sleep again. Fuck my life.4
-
Did I tell you that X third party system needed to be updated due to that pos using flash? Yes
Did you bitch about budget constraints and finding workarounds and stuff like that? Also Yes
Did I mention that X system was crucial for people and that we were not going to be able to do anything about it if we did not allocate the time to modify that before it happened? Also Yes
Did I mentioned this on multiple occasions? Yes
Was my team also pulled out from working on the alternative before this happened? Yes
Did I send multiple emails about this, talks, meetings and documentation of me saying all of the above? You betcha
Oh well 🤡6 -
Yay, my raspberry pi and it's projects are now on php7
Damn, Apache was the real pain in the ass with this migration, # ae2enmod php7.2 apparently is for it to decide if it will respect my sudo'n decisions😂5 -
Got feedback after job interview #33:
Yeah we don’t think you have enough corporate experience...
YOU COULD HAVE READ THAT IN MY RESUME BITCH! STILL YOU SPEND MY FUCKING TIME AND GAS!3 -
When you are trying to be supportive to a colleague but he sees your act as condescension on your part. BITCH I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU, BUT UNFORTUNATELY I HAVE TO WORK WITH YOU SO PLEASE KNOW THE BARE MINIMUMS TO DO THE TASK. Also he complained to others that he was offended . He was tryna learn react before knowing es6 and nodejs , doesn't know asynchronous and was strongly suggesting that our whole fucking team move to React and I just suggested some topics to look to. I carried his ass once , and seems like now will have to carry it once more :(
-
I was working for a client on a simple landing page. After struggling for days with the text-flow of one paragraph and trying one CSS property after another I finally realized it.
He sent me the texts in PDF format and I just copied them. What I did not know is that all the spaces in the text were non breaking spaces wich of course did not wrap like I expected.
Heureka. You bloody bitch. Never imagined having such a fucking issue in web development...2 -
That moment you receive an email: your CI build is failing.
Ok. What went wrong?
Three new commits that do not seem to alter anything related to the failure.
*reverts commits and tries again*
Still failing.
WTF?!
*restarts previous builds*
They now fail too.
FUCK! BASTARD! Are you kidding me?
*investigates*
Turns out that repo of dependency changed and is not compatible anymore.
Argh! Son of bitch! -
Dear Microsoft, stop pushing me to update to Windows 11.
I still haven’t changed my mind and I won’t change it even if you ask me for the 6th time.
Just stop being an annoying bitch, please!
Also, one button is completely enough. You don’t need to make me click 3 or more buttons in different places just to remove your Win 11 messages which you keep slamming into my face.4 -
The moment when they recommend you WordPress over Laravel just because it has better SEO.
Bitch, I write my own SEO. I'm not only on the first page I am the top result. Bet you didn't expect that.1 -
Apparently DELETE and... most of the HTTP verbs are disabled by default in IIS (ASP/ MVC/ Microsoft server software)
Am I wrong in saying that's fucking bullshit?!
Why make an HTTP serving environment with a massive array of tools to help you do everything you need in the web environment... And then DISABLE some of the web protocol??? What???
Not even the obscure verbs. DELETE. Is microsoft the type of bitch to delete using a GET request?? I bet the send passwords as get parameters.8 -
Client: We need to deploy some Windows 2003 servers.
Us: Sure thing, Mr. Client. Your money is more important than the security and stability of our systems.
What we should have said: Sure, but you need to stop in our office, put your dick in a vice and we'll take turns cranking that bitch closed until you agree to use something more modern.4 -
Dear Panicked Managers,
We are behind. We all know we are behind, and I would love to spend 10 hours fixing our shit.
Instead, your shit riddled brains decided that WAY too many demos, with practice demos, are the correct move! We are wasting 8 hours a week, per person working on them! That means we lose a day of development, but you are not moving deadlines and still complaining about the amount of throughput!
In those 8 hours a week, we could all build the new features, and you could throw an orgy, do lots of cocaine, beat hookers to death, do whatever CEOs do! Instead, you call us to all gather around and listen to you bitch that shit isn't getting done...
Sincerely,
Pissed Off3 -
I REALLY HATE IIS. IT IS THE STUPIDEST FUCKING PLATFORM. FUCK. WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY FUCKING ERROR LOGS YOU STUPID PIECE OF FUCKING CRAP. FUCKING KILL ME YOU STUPID SERVER ASS BITCH CUNT2
-
So I spent the last two days wondering WTF I did wrong, because my Laptop (Debian STABLE mind you...) would only boot in read-only mode and therefore only TTY (which btw sucks donkey-balls on a 4k screen (see image for visualization)) but on the earlier Kernel 4.9.0-7, everything was dandy.
So apparently laptop-mode-tools managed to fuck shit up in a way yet unknown, but as soon as I yeeted that bitch off my harddrive, everything was working flawlessly again...
6 -
Putty, you son of a bitch. Why do you call the logging option "All session output" if you don't include binary zeros in the output? Zeros don't count as "all" or what?
Then call the option "All session output without zeros", that would have saved me some time and prevented handing out false data.6 -
Just developer things...
Debugging mode be like: dunno where you are or how you work bitch... But Imma gonna find ya
-
!dev
That moment when u buy an extra SSD so you can have windows to play some random MMOs with your friends and that bitch tries to sneak your Linux's boot priority.
No Windows, u're just here to play some games. No u can't boot everytime. Only linux can do that. Thank's but I don't even want a browser on you, I already have all the .exe files I need.2 -
I am going to post cryptic ass shit on y'alls shit that gives over a fake sense of me knowing what I am talking about in terms of faking my credentials from working on big companies and having tons of knowledge of software development in an effort to convince you all in of my credentials to get massive upvotes by making you all think I am intellectually and technologically superior to you in multiple senses! I will use a thesaurus for this btw! not my general day to day speech! after all, it will give my fake ideals of credibility more success and acceptance! remember! i worked for all companies starving kids in different parts of the world did! nothing but my word for it!
Some people really need to consider the shit they read online from people that have been caught bullshitting all the time.
9/10 your shit is good enough, stop letting phonies make you feel inadecuate over their supposed success in this works ffs16 -
When I was in high school Facebook was just coming out and it was...
- a way for the cool kids to exclude anyone they didn’t like from a visible social circle.
When I was in university Facebook was taking over the world and it was...
- a place for your mom to embarrass you and your racist aunt/uncle to make uncomfortable racist comments.
Today Facebook is...
- a serious threat to society itself. A direct threat to truth and the enemy of the press.
And yet most of these weak-minded, short-term dopamine addicts are still sucking Facebook’s flaccid cock.
———
To loosely quote iceberg slim...
A real pimp can eye a bitch and gauge right away how much mileage she has...
“That hoe is good for 500 fucks”
Once the mileage runs out the bitch gets strung out and you gotta let her go.
I wonder how many more likes these dopamine-driven Facebook hoes have left in them? I wonder?
Ps. Yes, Facebook is a pimp and every time you look at it you are a hoe. You give up the preverbal pussy to them, they sell your pussy to the ticks (advertisers) and then you get fucked, getting just enough dopamine so that your fine with them selling your pussy for profit.
8 -
Anyone that stands in the middle of an open space building and talks loudly is an absolute cunt.
Nobody wants to hear you bitch about your problems, so kindly shut the fuck up. K thanks2 -
CoolFuckingStoryBob
So I found a job that fit my stack perfectly
I phoned the CEO and we had a mini phone interview, it was easy
And the next day I had an offline interview
It was fast as fuck. I answered all of the questions, showed my projects and we were done in 30 mins, pretty good huh
So the CEO tells me to wait a week
It's strange but ok
The week passes, and you guess what
"We can't hire you, you psychological portrait does not fit in our team..."
I'm like bitch, what the fuck
I had declined other offer cuz I though there was no reason not to hire me
Also this is a small company tho, I should've saw it coming 😐15 -
!dev
WTF YOUTUBE, WTFFFFFFF!!!!!!
YOU PIECE OF SHIT MONEY HUNGRY SOULLESS CORPORATE CUNT OF A COMPANY.
I already hated all your shitty algorithms and your way of giving the middle finger to creators I love.
You want to be a trend following bitch and have "Stories" on users feeds, fine.
WHY THE FUCKING SON OF A CUNTIFICENT BITCH ARE YOU RECOMMENDING ME CHANNELS I KNOW NOTHING OF!!!!!!
Look at this shit... the fact that I am living in Brazil does not mean I give two fucks about youtubers here, I barely know the language.
I'M SUBSCRIBED TO 20 PEOPLE. IF THEY HAVE FUCKING STORIES, SHOW ME THEIRS. IF THEY DON'T, DON'T SHOW ME ANYTHINGGGGGGG.
7 -
So a month after being rejected for a position because it is was the holiday season and the cogs were turning slowly...
Fucking bitch (ceo of corp) contacts me and invites me for another talk
Look lady, I landed another job while you didn't want me at that timeframe and your cogs needed oil... Tough loss ain't it lol 😳🙈9 -
I just want to make it clear for all the PMs out there...
If you don't put it in a fucking ticket, or don't mention a feature you want in a ticket, I will not do the work or forget put something into a feature.
Write that bitch up if you want it done.2 -
Everybody is criticizing Microsoft for leaving too much legacy code in Windows, etc., but let me tell you that I prefer 100% that and have lifetime backward compatibility than having to deal with Google bullshit.
Google sucks ass.
It's one of the most dev unfriendly company on this planet (along with Facebook).
You can't fucking change BASIC stuff in Android SDK every fucking version.
You just can't!
You can't use a system of "PERMISSIONS" each developer has to set in its application and each user has to accept during the installation, that a few versions later become USELESS... because "Hmmm… no, It's not enough, let's make a new privileged permission that makes the old one fucking worthless".
YOU FUCKING, TOXIC, BASTARDS.
It's my app, my code, my device, my fucking conditions. If I want to install viruses on my device, I should be able to do it.
I shouldn't have to call fucking Sundar fucking Pichai fucking CEO of fucking GOOGLE.
USERS != BABIES.
DEVS != CRIMINALS
We are the reason you have a fucking job, fucking food on your fucking table.
I want a fucking GOD_MODE permission in the next SDK, assholes!
You can't REMOVE fucking "Android.OS.getSerial()" making it only for system apps.
It's not sensible data… and if It's in your opinion, you've already created a "android.permission.READ_PHONE_STATE", so what else do you want, fucking asshole?
Right, you want to introduce "android.permission.READ_PRIVILIGED_PHONE_STATE" to make obsolete the other one, son of a bitch!
I don't fucking use you're garbage Google Play Store, no worries! I won't upload my app on your servers, bitch!
They've created a monopoly in the industrial space (PDAs) and they keep making fucking wrong decisions every single year.
My job is already stressful, why you can't just stop making it worse? fml8 -
this.isrant = true
Visual studio YOU BITCH!
2 hours of struggling to enable VT-X for docker but never seeming to be enabled when I boot back from the BIOS, turns out the motherfucking IDE sneakily enables hyper-v when I install Windows phone SDK, which I apparently need for xamarin. Well Microsoft? GO FUCK YOURSELF. I ONLY USE YOU FOR THE SUPPORT! I hate Microsoft and it's sneaky background shit that I don't know about and would probably freak out about if I did. I'm swapping to Ubuntu with MSSQL and MonoDevelop ASAP4 -
It is fucking written in rules that SLA would be given post the discussion.
AFTER THE MOTHERFUCKING DISCUSSION.
Bitch can't read a simple English statement.
And in the SLA column, it is clearly mentioned that one must state the DATE. This idiot mentions the entire fucking Quarter.
How fucking dumb you can be to not read the basics mentioned for your own and others ease of functioning.
Indians are illiterate morons. I apologise to the entire world today on behalf of these fragmented cauliflowers.
To whoever this means, I am sorry that you have to deal with these retarded brains.
Also, the task was supposed to be done by others and not the blabbering bitch. She takes up random unwated shit and then cribs to our manager that she is overloaded and Floyd isn't helping.
When I help, she complains that I am overstepping.
Go fuck yourself you mongoose.9 -
When our company (past employer) got acquired by another company and everyone got to have a meeting where you got a black or blue envelope. One indicated you were being let go, the other indicated you were being offered an "opportunity" if you would relocate to NJ. What was an awesome company -- they destroyed the soul of it in one day.
Oh well their CEO got let go after a US Congressional investigation earlier this year. Karma, bitch! -
Not entirely dev related, but...
I'm getting tired of (electrical, mechanical) engineers complaining about HW limitations like "oh this board only has 12 KB of flash memory" or "I can't make this thing move smoother because my CPU is only 16 MHz" Bitch, you can spend $500 on 3 servo motors, but you can't afford to pay extra $5 to get a board with better specs to control them?7 -
MOCHA YOU FUCKING BITCH, THERE IS A DONE() CALLBACK BEING CALLED IN THIS TEST, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM??? I WILL RAPE YOUR FUCKING SOURCE CODE. But really mocha test, why u no work so we can both move on with our lives 😣😦😞7
-
Wisdom tooth is trying to burst through my fucking gum, but it's still less annoying than a friend I have who:
- Constantly posts shitty 'inspiring' quotes on his facebook and tags everyone on his friendlist in 'em.
- Watches motivational speakers and constantly links you up to them.
- Tells you to 'aim higher' or to 'look for a job in a bigger company' or I won't achieve 'the success'.
..bitch, what kind of success have you achieved to tell me what to do with my god damn life?4 -
4 yrs ago, had a bitch colleague who came to me with a problem she encounter with her code, so I looked at it then asked her "...it worked yesterday-what happened? "
- and she snap at me "...then my fault ?! We figure it out together..."
I went home after that. Reason is :-
1. I didn't touch your code
2. If you wanted me to check my codes and see if it was my fault - then please say so.
3. If you are trying to make your problem my problem, don't snap at me bitch.2 -
I have never seen a more ass backwads debugger than the one in Automation Studio. Shits desinged to only debug the cyclical part of a program. Bitch! I need to debug the init part! You worthless pile of freshly minted horse shit!
-
You have master the art of thinking when you overcome biases.
Which one is your favourite?
A few I like are:
- Survivorship bias
- Hindsight bias
- Familiarity/Mere exposure effect
- Dunning Kruger (well ofc.)
- Confirmation bias
- Self serving (for that ungrateful bitch)
- Sunk cost fallacy18 -
YouTubers that beg you to like and subscribe. "SmASh tHaT LiKE buTTon and DoN'T FOrgEt to SubSCRIbe." Maybe focus on creating good and consistent content rather than whining like a little bitch about how I should subscribe to your channel, and I'll consider if it's worth subscribing to your content.
I just9 -
Okay, I think I am losing it, how do you explain a distributed computing VM has to somehow execute code on some hardware at a point to a customer that is clearly a big ass bullshit eater/buzzword bitch?
Because if I can't, I may buy a plane ticket for Canada and an axe, and that is not for cutting lumber11 -
Notification pops up at the bottom of the screen... it is an email from a Project Manager.
2 seconds later...
Project Manager via messaging app: "Hey, I've sent you an email"
fuck off bitch... I know that already, it is 20fucking19... notifications are reliable and they work. I don't need a human toast notification to tell me about the other notification that i just received.5 -
Client: This feature is already present in one of my other projects, you just need to copy paste it.
Me: Ohh, I will have a look at it :)
What I felt: Nothing in code works with 'just copy paste!! Bitch.
AND YOU ARE THE 100TH PERSON TELLING ME THAT, SO...... YOU HAVE DIE!
-
Is it just me, or are there any other devs, that just can't get going with python?
Every time, I try to do something, that is supposed to be simple, the language be like, "Bitch, hold on. I know I'm supposed to be the most simple language there is, but here I am again, to fuck you over. Your welcome.".
According to my friends, its actually just me.11 -
seconds into 2019
I see one incompetent fucker asking to eval in Node.js..
A FUCKING FETCH OF A NPM MODULES IN CDNJS
you know what's the reason?
node_modules
Fucking kill me unless you're some dumb bitch who uses npm modules like some braindead motherfucker who doesn't know what a number is, node_modules takes only an average of 3.6MB
Compared to RubyGems who takes 40+
Or Pip
Seriously stop this. I wanna hang myself because my 2019 put me in a shit mood1 -
Me: actually trying to finish a project for once (I’m REALLY close)
People that bitch I never finish one: You should make [Enter this idea], or why don’t you just take a break from that and work on another or this one4 -
You can type your code like an angry bitch as if you are gonna smash the fucking keyboard. I can live with that. But please don't knock on the desk every so often. That's just pointless and annoying.3
-
I usually come on here to bitch and whine but this time I want to sing the praises of WebStorm / The intellij family of software.
Never change. continue to be amazing and absolute chock full of customisable features. Thank you.7 -
FUCK YOU YOU SHITTY COCK SUCKING BITCH MOTHERFUCKER.
GO DIE IN A HOLE THEN GET RAPED IN HELL. I REALLY HATE THIS SHIT.
FUCK OFF GOOGLE.
12 -
A fellow ranter is with me in the sense that making ultra thin designs is bullshit.
If you complain about weight on your equipment you are a little pansy... really.
And yes, I know what it is to carry a fuckload of weight. I had to march with a rucksack going on 60lbs(27-28kg approx) combat gear totalling somewhere between 30lbs(about 13-14kg) and an m240g weighted at 25lbs or 11-12kg and would love every miserable minute of it(the rucksack was a bitch though, you try jumping at the floor with that bad bitch on your back and you will know pain) aaaaall while feeling the glorious fucking heat of 45+ degree(Celsius) weather
If anyone comes bitching at me about how much their laptops are heavy I would recommend going into a corner store and buying a gallon of manTHEfuckUp and just gulping that bitch in. Don't even take breaks in between and drink that shit down cuz your lousy wimpy ass needs it.
**salutes
**shoots 2 rounds at the sky
**marches away
**shoots again cuz yo ass needs it because you got scared with the first 2 rounds6 -
I hate the new android update. Cause my phone is even more Google, than it was before. Since I like some services they offer I wouldn't complain. But they are going way to far... For instance I now have a Google keyboard and it is actually pretty good in suggesting words, but sometimes it just autocorrects my text and swaps words I wrote.
Like:
'Hey, you don't know as good what you wanted to write as I do. Let me correct that for you!'
Just let me type my own thoughts, you smart bitch of a software. And also fuck you.5 -
BITCH THE APPLICATION WORKS PERFECTLY FINE!!! ITS NOT MY FAULT THE DATA YOU GAVE ME WAS FUCKED UP LIKE YOUR BLOODY FUCKING FACE YOU SHIT HEAD COMPUTER ILLITERATE IN THIS DAY AND AGE SON OF A BITCH1
-
You know what's fun? When your client insists you use an agile process with a delivery at the end of each sprint, then proceeds to bitch at each release at the features that weren't implemented yet. The thing isn't even slated to be done until 4Q 2018 and is on schedule/early. Glad I am not on that team . . . yet.
-
In my case, low motivation is usually caused by askholes who bitch about broken AF code, which ALWAYS turns out to be theirs, infected with their own idiocy.
Definition: ASKHOLE
- A Person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.
Pretending I'm in back-to-back meetings & general avoidance (when possible) seems to work. -
!devrant
Dear discord.
Instead of having a login button that takes me to "claim your account", how about you let me actually fucking LOGIN with my motherfucking account I already signed up with?
This is like basic-bitch UX feedback.
How the fuck did you fucking incompetents fuck up this bad?
God damn if I ain't done with bad fucking UX.
It's 2020. Could you motherfuckers idk, do your actual fucking jobs? Or are you all busy over at discord home office looking at cat memes and fisting each others prolapsed cunts like a bunch of fucking jackasses?
Jesus fucking christ it's like I woke up in fucking clown world, where every company thats successful is run by people more incompetent than me. Fix your fucking shit discord.11 -
Bloody bitch. Asks me to analyze pretty big schema and write my concerns. Sits with me for 30 minutes, gets the details and sends a mail to the lead and claims 12 fucking hours of work. It's me who did all the work bitch not you. I am supposed to report to her.1
-
"Can you teach us how to do x? If not, how much would you charge for doing it yourself?"
Bitch, my time is valuable, if I teach you, I'm gonna charge you anyway... -
You will think you are having a bad day, until you come on devRant and read so real shit happening to people.
And, I honestly do find most of the rants here to be fucking hilarious.
I know and understand that these are real frustrations people are going through; but bitch, can I laugh if I find your rant funny? And use some symbols too?10 -
Yesterday
Me : Hey, I'd like to do a pull request, but there's something that might not help, you think you can help me solving it before I finish that task ?
Worker : *no response at all*
Today
Worker, by mail : Hey could you do a pull request ?
Me : ... 凸(⊙▂⊙✖ ) thanks for answering my question, edgy bitch1 -
Weekly status reports. BITCH, I'M TOO BUSY WORKING TO TELL YOU WHAT I DID THIS WEEK.
Mine are also almost always the same:
"fixed broken thing"
"worked on reports for broken thing"
"helped new teammates fix broken thing"
ISSUES REQUIRING ATTENTION:
"my connection is still shit, like i warned would happen before I moved"
"need workstation already connected to network to reduce connection problems"
These don't help the people who need to be micromanaged, and they just piss off those of us who don't.5 -
"Aww yeah, Bootstrap 4 is coming!"
Shut up bitch! I started 2 years back with web development when I was a noob and since then you are coming.1 -
I told you it'll never work. If one .50BMG bullet is enough to destroy the entire tube thing, we have a deal-breaker. Not to mention large vacuum chambers are a bitch to maintain.
9 -
Fuck you Eclipse! Fuck you OSGi! It is only you that pisses me off like that! You filthy piece o' shit!
Fuck.
FYI: Please stop pretending you cannot find org.eclipse out of a sudden. I know that it's there and you know that too! Why? Because you found it like 30 minutes ago before my break and nothing changed since then!!
Son of bitch! -
Fuck Ajax and it's stupid fucking side effects. A language should not have inherent side effects. "Oh, you like responsiveness?! How about I just remove all your events after a post?! How about that for responsive design ya lil bitch!"3
-
Left the desk to look something to eat in the fridge. Returned 5 mins later to find my laptop restarted all by itself.
Microsoft, you evil bitch.2 -
YAML files are one of the worst type I have ever seen until now. Fuck that shit. And fuck that indentation.3
-
Facebook don’t give a single fuck if you have a million years of experience, you’re going to fucking solve the “algorithm” shit —while they still admit you won’t remember much about it.
The HR guy was damn straight about it: you have to practice a lot.
Bitch, I’m out.10 -
Bug raised: "Please investigate these CRTICAL issues immediately, the system is not working properly"
Translation: "We're too stupid to use our own system, the system that we created the specification for. Please re-educate us and explain that these are not actually issues (immediately). But we're gonna CC every motherfucker in the company so they KNOW you fucked up and the pressure is on you to fix it, bitch! Huehuehuehue"3 -
!!rant
Types of elitists in the computer science area I REALLY HATE:
* Linux kernel developers: if they hear anything that's not linux you will be prosecuted
* functional programing developers (haskell, scheme, etc): they will bitch slap you if you even dare to mention php or javascript5 -
When you go to Windows from Linux after long time and Windows fucks you up by its freaking updates. The whole time waiting, I felt Windows was indirectly saying, "You left me for someone else and now you want me back? Suffer bitch!4
-
That would be Sony.
Mainly because the of PlayStation 4. I mean what kind of company blocks the access to third party’s account so you can use it only on their console (the Fortnite situation). That’s literally saying “we own you, bitch”. Even Apple doesn’t do that kind of crap.
Fuck Sony and their PlayStation. I’m sticking with Xbox. Yes, it doesn’t have as many of exclusives. Yes, it’s made by Microsoft - the same company which made Windows 10. But fuck Sony even more than them.2 -
Modem issues kept going on.
Started complaining to them again and requesting they send one of their proper modems.
Service: "Unfortunately it is not possible to request a different modem"
Me (tho *slightly* more polite): "I don't care, you guys caused this issue by sending us a shitty modem, so you guys are now to send me a proper modem, period. I'm done with having unstable internet because <ISP> doesn't want to admit their modems are flawed by design and deliver proper ones."
Service: "I have good news! We can swap out your modem for the one you requested"
Sometimes, you just have to bitch hard enough. -
!dev !rant
I'm looking for recipe to try and make as I'm a bit too bored and my school life is being a bitch. Can anyone recommend me their favorite recipe?
And yes, I'm bold to assume you guys can cook20 -
It would be great if you didn't change your changes after I implement them you fucking inconstant bitch...2
-
-Had low battery so I put the phone on power saver mode (decreases brightness) and manually lowered it to minimum as well
-Went out
-Couldn't see shit
-Thought something is wrong with my phone
-Reset it completely
-Now the screen is fine
-The light blinked in my brain and I realized I'm an idiot
WHAT ANDROID PENDEJA MADE THIS EVEN POSSIBLE TO BE DONE YOU SON OF A BITCH1 -
You sure you don't like doing other things and really want to work here?
Very well, my advice is this: Use the library restrooms, they get cleaned every 2 hours, if you use the one here in our building make sure you go before the D man or else it will be unbearable.
Have fun bitch4 -
Pm: we need to add a feature to the app, how long will it take you?
Me: what is this "feature"?
Pm: we still polishing the idea, how long will it take you to add a feature to the app?
Me: bitch wtf? Get back to work!! -
I fucking hate SO ! No sense of gratitude at all.. :/ Fucking arrogant fucker's ..One thing I've realised during answering question's in SO..It's like a bitch ! You should bang and throw it,shouldn't think about loving it.10
-
School's principle: *is being unclear of what is asked*
Me: *asks lots of questions to try to understand*
SP: *keeps being unclear*
Me: *think I understand, I'll do something that will match with what I'm supposed to do*
-- 2 days before due date --
SP: omg stop it's not that at all
Me: wait wtf you told me that 3 months ago
SP: yOu uNdersdtoOd wHat yOu WaNtEd, tHat'S a ProBlEm yOu rEaLLy nEed To fiX
HOW ABOUT YOU GO AND DIE SOMEWHERE YOU SON OF A BITCH
Now I have until monday to write 30 fucking pages of something that keeps making no fucking sense. FUCK !2 -
I love when devs bitch about the size of PRs on a very standard sized one. They're all related changes that can't be broken up. Do you want the app to be broken between PRs? He spent more time bitching about the size of the diff and telling me how he does it better instead of just reviewing the code. A tip or an ask is one thing, this was a wall of text.
Oh and he still didn't approve the PR, which I know he looked at, and didn't leave any blocking comments.4 -
!rant
Guys, Im curious, what you would say about situation if you are in need of some quite simple tool and you write it but becouse you need it today, not tommorow, you just dont give a heck about all the fancy stuff and (lets say for php) you start to write all in 2-3 files like you was back beginner?
Or you just nope out of situation?
Do you refactor that when you bored just becouse this cant be on my disk, noone can see this abomination?
Or you delete after usage (only to relaize 5 minutes latter you need it back :P )
Im curious your opinion.
PS.
nope, if you came to bitch about any of opinions even opinion "well, i wouldnt give a fuck and just not do it", go away and get lost.
E: typo12 -
Update: for those of you who know cougar woman/ my self proclaimed "work mom" in my previous posts (bitch who keeps stealing my lunch), yesterday she really tipped me over the edge. So I'm fucking hauling ass on my sprint work because I had to take over another team member's tasks (because he "doesn't have time" for it being prod support but all I see him doing is shitposting at his desk) and someone from another team asked the cougar a question about something. she comes up to me all demanding like "HEY you, you got the worksapce open?"
I was like um... no I don't. I'm working on the other application.
and then she's like "Look at my laptop and show him". Okay bitch let me just drop everything I'm doing to help a random person. The fact that she commanded me instead of just asking me pissed me off. Not even a single sign of "please". I'm tired of her truly. She is a snake. Even to her friend on our team. Every time he's out she's like "hey where is _____? huh why isn't he here??? hmmm" in an instigating way to remind everyone that he might've taken off for no reason. When I was too sick to volunteer at an event she organized in the morning on Saturday, she asked me the following Monday, "oh did you drink too much? lmao. a spiteful, grudge holding bitch for sure2 -
Client breaks website and i’m the one trying to fix things. For two unplanned hours i’ve been trying to help and instead of a thank you i get a thanks for nothing message. I’m not responding to this client next time. Fuckn bitch2
-
Stop writing motherfucking state management libraries every week that are supposed to "take the pain out" of redux. Fuck this. If you find redux hard, I don't think we should work together. Shit, there are so many difficult concepts regarding web development, but redux? Redux is hard? Fuck you, stupid bitch!3
-
Question; if you've got a team member who's been phoning it in during the last few sprints and their inattention causes extra work for others, what do you do?
- Have a private word directly one to one.
- Say nothing but bitch amongst yourselves
- Complain to the team lead
- Call them out during a daily standup and tell them they're producing shit.
Any opinions?3 -
- You know, I have been showed proofs that there are half days where you almost pushed anything, if nothing, you haven't been productive these days
First off, bitch, I'd like to see you try to make something useful from Drupal.
Second, apologizes but you can't commit nervous breakdowns. Can't say I haven't try.1 -
Fuck DuckDuckGo!
Is this is what you "privacy savyy" like to get? Irrelevant content. WTF?! Such a waste of time. I'm selling my soul back to Google. Fuck your opinion.21 -
WTF Is wrong with Kotlin! Every fucking time I upgrade its Android Studio plugin i receive loads of errors about: Type mismatch: inferred type is FragmentActivity? but FragmentActivity was expected
for fucks sake bitch! Why the hell you keep on switching from optional to non optional on every fucking update, my commit history is full of this type of fixes -_-5 -
No matter how much fancy stuff you use, next flashy framework to abuse, or whatever shitty js you produce
css will haunt you ...
and fuck you. horribly.3 -
Dear bluetooth headset,
I know your battery is low, thanks for the notice. I have 1 hour work left, after that you will get your charge. I also know you underestimate your own power and can do more than an hour on reserve.
So suck it up and stop being a whiny bitch blaring your damn "battery low"-beeps into my ears. It's way too loud and beeping every 10 seconds will only strain your power reserves and my nerves.
Yours sincerely,
dev134 -
lotta jealous 🤡 trolls on this platform...
funniest thing to me is they think they are so smart they are hiding their trollishness.... but it couldn't be more obvious 😂😂😂😂
bitch, i told you, i am muad'dhib
i see through all
i've even forseen this post and its replys10 -
Aubergine, oukome, taupe… wtf man. Just call colors old fashioned names, you know? Red, blue, green, yellow? Bitch13
-
when you have coded the sun the moon and the stars. but the motherfucker still wants a universe engraved on a fucking ice cube. AND YOU'LL DO IT ANYWAY. CAUSE YOUR HIS FUCKING BITCH. YOU GUCKING GUCK!2
-
var manual = '.... use chrome...';
User: "Hey this thing is broken, can you fix it?"
Me: "Works just fine for me, what browser are you using?"
User: "Edge, why?"
..... god I hate browsers.... rtfm bitch.. make my life easier please?...
Sometimes I wish I only did back end work...9 -
I had a challenge this week. I had to develop a business site in less then 5 days. I’m pretty happy with the result especially since i estimated multiple weeks for a site like this.
Ofcourse the manager had to come over and complain and bitch about alignments of elements. I’m sorry dude but with this kind of abnormal time pressure you don’t have the right to complain. Period.4 -
Wk88 i basically see "I'm a beta that belittles myself, because everybody else seems to be so much better than me.."
While I certainly know how it feels, that mantra & mindset will lead to void or null.
It's a self-fulfilling prophecy and life's a bitch that'll keep ya down if you let it.
It's gonna be rough, but ye gotta stop calling yourself inadequate and start working on honing your skills.
No great feat happens over night, it takes practice and dedication.1 -
I just hate Comcast. All I want is a static IP to host a server on BUT NOOOO COMCAST BE LIKE BITCH YOU GOTTA BUY OUR ENTERPRISE PLAN FOR SOME RIDICULOUS AMOUNT FOR A STATIC IP4
-
Fuck being asked every time if I fix computers, Bitch I code in them!
It's like being asked: do you fix cars? No? But if work using your car, how come you don't know how to fix them?2 -
I really like coding for scientific purposes. It unites my big passions (natural sciences/engineering/coding). And I like the feeling of empowering someone to do research. BUT BESIDES DEALING WITH DUMB FEATURE REQUESTS, THERE IS NO WORSE PAIN THAN HEARING PHD CANDIDATES FUCKING SAY RETARDED STUFF. HOW DID YOU EVEN WON THE SCHOLARSHIP FOR THE PHD YOU DENSE SON OF A BITCH (NICE JOB ACADEMIC ENVIRONMENT BTW). YOU LACK KNOWLEDGE OF HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL EVEN ON YOUR OWN SUBJECT. THE BEST RESEARCH YOU CAN PROVIDE TO THIS WORLD IS THE FLUID DYNAMICS OF AIR WHILE YOU JUMP OFF A SKYSCRAPER MOTHERFUCKER.
-
If you write an editor or input field, and do not respect our Ctrl+Backspace expectations, I will turkey-slap yo ass, bitch.
-
So a friend / batch-mate in our accelerator asked me if I was okay with installing a monitoring software for a client our startups are collaborating for. And the said client was ranting how I've been appearing offline to him since morning...
Bitch I'm already letting you monitor my shit from morning to night, I don't need your French ass snooping around what I'm doing outside of office hours.
Fucker. -
Hey, blonde bitch.
How about you leave the UX design to someone that can get the printer to do double sided first try. Okay?3 -
Why the fuck does it happen every god damn time???!!!?!??!! Oh look the 5(0) year old designer created an Armageddon (layout) and went on holiday but that's okay cause it has been already approved by our sweet project manager WITHOUT SHOWING IT TO THE DEV TEAM FIRST. Fucking this fucking fuck fuck! FUCK. You deal with this idiots, i fucking QUIT bitch bye.4
-
Starting to get into intricacies of javascript.
Question was: when and why do you bind your functions?
Farking hell， no wonder people bitch about javascript.3 -
I don’t give a single fuck about your status. I don’t care if you are the CEO, CTO, President, etc… I will tell you when you are wrong. And if you try to fire me, I’ll come to your house and kill your family bitch12
-
Programming is like getting a crush.
When you couldn't turn her on, you never figure out why.
Even if you did it, you still cannot believe why it could succeed all in a sudden.
The first time you did a unit test
is when you asked if she is okay
for a date; step by step,
In order not to break.
First, ask if she is free; Then, if she really need to eat,
she said OK there.
But, finally she didn't turn up
Integration test failed.
She was such a bitch. -
Finishing up the last few edits on the WordPress site from hell, client is here to see the finished product, senior dev looks over at me "so are the registration/login forms and sign out button working correctly again?"
Me: "yeah I'm just checking one thing first-SON OF A BITCH"
senior: "that does not instill confidence that the forms are working"
Wasn't a big deal, forgot to close a div and, well you know how that works -
That I'm responsible enough for people to just entrust shit to me and irresponsible enough to fuck up very important things for very stupid and easily avoidable reasons. Rarely enough to not happen a lot, but serious enough fuck-ups that it can't be considered inconsequential.
And when I tell people not to trust me with shit without supervision they refuse to believe me and think I'm just being self-deprecating. Bitch I'd accidentally let you die if that was a responsibility of mine, I have no brain, only butterflies.1 -
Computer! I live in a state of constant mental exhaustion. What does this mean?
*BEEP-BOOP*. IT MEANS YOU'RE STRESSED, BITCH.
Interesting. How do I get rid of this... "stress" you speak of?
*BEEP-BOOP*. GO OUT, BITCH. SEE NATURE, BITCH. CONNECT WITH HUMAN BEINGS, BITCH.
Oh, fuck no, that's just not going to happen. Any other tips?
*BEEP-BOOP*. STOP USING DRUGS, BITCH. YOU DRINK TOO MUCH COFFEE, BITCH.
Well, fuck me, I can't do that either; guess I'll just take this with me to the grave. Thanks anyway, computer.
*BEEP-BOOP*. YOU'RE WELCOME, BITCH. YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, BITCH.
Yes, I hope as much. The sooner the better.5 -
Me: "Ok, downloaded the (windows) iso, now I need to create a bootable usb"
* Pulls out 4Gb usb drive *
Father: "That iso won't fit on that one"
M: "Oh yeah right, do you have one for me"
F: "Sure"
* hands over 64Gb usb drive *
M: "thanks"
* Checks content *
* "Backups 15" directory and other old files *
"Guess I can use that"
* dds iso on usb drive *
dd: "done"
M: * Reboots *
Pc: "Nani the fuck is that supposed to be"
M: * searches online for solutions, tries out 2 different ones, one being provided by microsoft *
P: "lol no"
F: * comes in *
"Is it working?"
M: "Nah, windows a bitch"
F: "ok, can you copy me some files on the usb in the meantime?"
M: "Sure..."
{ How did he know that the drive is currently empty? }
* copies files onto stick *
F: * sees empty usb drive*
"Did you delete the contents on the usb?"
M: "Kinda, that happens when you create a bootable usb drive"
F: "..."
M: "Why do you ask, was the something important on the drive?"
F: "Idk, doesn't matter anyways now, since the contents are gone"
Btw, it still doesn't boot from the usb drive. Windows 10 iso is a bitch.7 -
!dev (?)
Why does my teacher think it's reasonable to give an assignment for writing a scientific article about quantum computing in the first semester of CS? Like really? I just got out of fucking high school you bitch, all math I know is basic linear algebra. Thankfully I'm a nerd that likes computers so I got the basis of classical computing covered, I can only imagine how my classmates that never touched a computer are holding up.7 -
If you don’t like to deal with lots of idiots and assholes before you find some decent project and coworkers.
If you don’t mind that half of people you work with have ‘God complex’ and other half want to tell you that it’s easy.
If you got yourself prepared that lots of managers will try to fuck you and treat you like shit in front of your coworkers.
Lots of things that you write would end up in trash cause of wrongly defined requirements.
There is high chance that at the end you will write some excel glue code.
If you are not naive materialistic bitch or you have not strong will to change jobs and don’t give a fuck about past until you find a dream company everyone is writing about in HR job descriptions.
Good Luck.2 -
Summary of My Experience With Recruiters
1. They do everything until they get a phone talk. They also go cold turkey if they don’t have what you want, no politeness if you are not useful to them.
2. They are OK with your highball salary range at first
3. Once they got that you are hireable, they show their true nature
3a. Trying to lower my forever salary expectation to guarantee an offer and their one time bonus
3b. They scare you implying I would be fired from job anyways, if I don’t like some aspects of the current job
3c. They call you multiple times a week with no scheduling beforehand
3d. They lecture me on why salary shouldn’t be a big reason for job change(bitch don’t even…)
3e. They say shit like I want you to get this job(dude, you say that to every job seeker)
I will add more if I remember. What are your other bad experiences4 -
This bitch im dealing with thinks I care about updating her site.. I don't. If you try to get my mates dad fired for bullshit 😒 I won't give a shit about your project.
Yes it's not professional... But quite frankly. I don't care. I have more important work -
There is a particular power move when you take someone's shit code, refactor it to make it faster, safer and more readable and then request a review from them on your PR. "See how I dunked on you, bitch. This is what superiority is about." And at the same time you can be perfectly polite with "oh you know this part of the code well, I wouldn't want to break anything there" with the "bitch" just strongly implied.3
-
Oh yeah, I'm totally an "expert".
It means I only have a vague idea of what I'm talking about, but I'll talk louder than you to make everyone feel that I know more than you.
It means that if you question me, I'm totally flipping out and call you a bitch.
And your opinion definitely doesn't matter, because well, if it did, you'd be expert wouldn't you?4 -
FUCK YOU MyThemeShop FUCK YOU with your shitty licensing solution. I'm just trying to develop a fucking wordpress site on my own fucking local computer. Why TF will you not allow me to fucking sign into my own account. all it fucking does is infinitely load and it does not do fucking anything. you advertise 24/7 support but it takes your fucking bitch ass support team over 10 hours to reply to my dead fucking simple email. ALSO why the fuck can I not change what domain my theme goes to from the online panel. I'm trying to fucking use ngrok and now i cant because it is by domain and not by site. FUCK YOU AND YOUR LAME ASS FUCKING COMPANY GIVE ME MY FUCKING MONEY BACK RIGHT NOW YOU FUCKING BITCH.7
-
So I’m writing this random number generator app just because so many apps charge you for this simple thing and posted my progress somewhere else. And this guy just commented: you can do it in python in 2 lines
Bitch, I know… the whole point is to not open python whenever needed and save my settings so I can use them later
God damn10 -
I genuinely have respect for people and their professions.
But . . . why the fuck are IT Support generally hard to deal with.
I don't fucking have access to a Service and I damn need access. Support immediately without checking says: no you do have access go to xyz find the service click on it bla bla bla.
Bitch, you think I didn't try all that and just felt like having a conversation with you?
wtf5 -
I read this post somewhere where this son of a bitch created 4 5 accounts, then submitted fake PRs across those accounts to each other during Hacktoberfest.
People like these are fucking losers absolutely destroying the credibility of a event like Hacktoberfest.
People like them would sell of their own fucking soul for a T shirt
Do you agree?3 -
How was I able to fix this bullshit report generator task?
Simple bitch. I am that fucking good. Matter of fact. I am more than good. Sit the fuck down and listen.
That fucktard you have over there acting as a faculty member teaching kids about code and security? Blame that bitch for the horrible code that was NOT working since he wrote that with absolute disdain for software engineering and without taste or finesse.
Yeah I was able to troubleshoot his monster of an app. His ass is the reason why people hate php, giving the lang and community a bad name and shit.
Pleased to meet you btw.
I am Alex. Your new rockstar.
To my manager: i got it babe don't worry. I'll be your huckleberry.
I am out.1 -
Started playing Skryim again. Playing a pretty big modpack with some really cool mods called: Lost Legacy. It has alternate skills like Pugilist and Unarmored. I can literally punch a bitch with a one shot to death. For some reason this is very satisfying. I wonder what level of my psyche this appeals to. Probably something really animalistic.
These two skills meld really well with playing a mage with no armor. Unarmored skill actually levels faster if you cast an armor spell. So it benefits mages. I also don't have to fumble with weapons with Pugilist.
I had to add Sofia as my follower. Her wit while I punch people to death just fits. I feel like my character is a grumpy old mage that just goes berserk and kills people with his bare hands when upset. Do not disturb my circles, bitch!
I like to name my characters with phonetic names that might mean something else. On the surface it looks like an RPGish character name. But contains another meaning, often vulgar. This character is no different. I have named him: "Rehkuuf". An old Breton bitch of a magic user. Whose only care is learning and acquiring power. I imagine this character doing anything to this cause. Definitely a ends justifies the means kind of person. I am thinking of making him notorious in at least one hold. Not sure which one. So every time I return to the hold I have to kill every guard. Punch a bitch time!
One goal I just thought of: Punch a dragon to death.1 -
what the mothetfucking fucked fuck of a fucking shit is going on man!!!!?!
FUCK YOU BOOTSTRAP!!!!!
on codepen i just deleted the bootstrap build in, but i had a cdn link in header... i tried different links now and other stuff BUT MY SITE LOOKS NOW UGLY AS SHIT AND I DONT GET OLD SITE BACK FUFUUUUUUUUUJUUUUU
.. spent so many hours in it i was so proud
FUCK YOU SON OF A MOTHRRFUCKING BOOTSTRAP BITCH😠😠😠😠😠1 -
How one's inner and outer behaviour would be, when you boss is bullshitting you ?
Outer me : oh is it, wow you are knowledgeable person.
Inner me: fuck you bitch, get the fuck out. You lame sob..!!!3 -
SO's accepted answers being "no dont do what you want to do, use this corporate™-certified library instead, we ALLLLL use it too"
Like bitch if I wanna kill myself with a knife, tell me which vein to cut, dont recommend me a gun, I dont want it. ffs.9 -
Windows updates is a huge bitch.
Gotta do some tests on a code, it's already past 5 pm, bit in a rush. But windows updates said no.
Huge fuck you!3 -
remember android devs....
The difference between <view> and <View> is enough to make you kill yourself.
and even more if you have used <view> as a divider in your fucking recycler view.
Son of the mother fucking bitch i spend last 2 hrs trying to understand where my age old ,rock-solid , tried and tested code fucked up...
And when i saw the asshole bitch view, i was like wtf am i doing with my life? ;"""( -
Me: Baby, I'll do anything you want.
She: I want to exit Vim. Please hel......*me interrupting in between*
Me: Except that, bitch.1 -
How much of an asshole you have to be to say the poster doesn't know PHP and bitch about "security problems" in an answer to a clearly newbie question about forms and redirection on Quora?2
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You ever have someone who you'd set to QA for a group project, and then find out that - rather than setting up automated testing and writing code that can be run at different times in the development cycle - they just did it by hand, running through the program and deciding that the result they got was good enough?
Imma smack a bitch, then write this shit in their stead.2 -
in BASH you cannot reassign associative arrays (i.e. string:string maps) to other variables.
If you have created an array as variable "arr", doing
```
declare -A arr2
arr2=${arr}
```
will not give you var2 as a usable assoc array. It will kind of transform it into an indexed array
In fact working with assoc arrays in shell is a bitch.3 -
Hey JS/Node combo. Get your shit together as I'm really pissed of when I see shit like this. This is why I keep myself distant from everything even remotely connected to you but this time I really want to do web extension.
3 -
When you import a project into a fresh install of Android Studio and the bitch has a gazillion things to install.
You might as well take a good nap if you've got shit internet 😒 -
Project got in after months of the people requesting knowing the project needed to ve in a web form.
They didn't let my department know till right fucking now with only two weeks for launch time.
Yeh its a simple formz yeh I can do it, yeh you do own me a bottle or Knov Creek and a steak after this you son of a bitch, i got other shit to do1 -
I have an army of skeletons following me around. So why can't I hold all these fucking chipped gems.
Let me tell you, I have never been so glad to get the Horadric Cube. My stash was full of the shit, had to offload to a fucking mule. ATMA for life bitch.
And Duriel, I'm coming for that ass.3 -
I'm pretty sure we don't need to use brackets and semicolons anymore. Newer versions of gcc bitch when you mess up tabs, which shouldn't matter in C/C++ because of brackets/semicolons, so why require the tabs and newlines?
On the flipside, if we're requiring tabulation and newlines nowadays, why use brackets and semicolons? Just Python it up and you won't have issues where you mess up and add/omit a semicolon/bracket and break EVERYTHING!
"It's so you can write it all on one line"
I have yet to meet anyone that masochistic.6 -
"I gotta go, ttyl".
Is a text sentence that infuriates me a lot when someone texts it in a group chat, which to me sounds like the person is saying,
"Hey I've got important things to do and I've gotta go while you all can keep wasting your life away in front of this phone typing and chatting waaa waaa waaa waaa"..
Like bitch, you wanna go just go. Don't announce it thinking it makes a difference.11 -
online surveillance? bitch, given how often you post on instagram, if I wanna know where you've been and what you were up to, I'll just check your stories.1
-
Dealing with government bureaucracy today. Prepare for pure anger.
First of all, what fucking dipshit site does testing and maintenance in production without letting users know? Bitch I'm getting an invalid date error when I use your own stupid date selector and I had to waste the office lady's time asking about it because you couldn't be arsed to either test your shit properly or actually take it down if it's broken. Who made that stupid ass decision and why the fuck did nobody question it. Fuck you.3 -
"How about we don't do it this way because I have undone what you did and have redone it in a stupid way and if we have to do it the correct way we'll have to undo MY work, so let's just keep it like it is, ok?"
Really? And one of your arguments is "because it's working now", bitch it was working before, you just didn't read my code.
I'll give you the benefit of the doubt though, I don't think you did this on purpose, you were tired yesterday, I get it. But still, could've talked to me before deleting all my code.
I'm not that mad though, I got paid the same and still found a nice pattern I can use on my own future projects, it just won't be used at work. -
Fuck you Figma, you don't even have dark mode, working with menus is fucking annoying, and your UI sucks. I'm going back to Sketch for now, see you later bitch.1
-
So i was told to make a code to iliterate through some categories from web... And then boss added subcetagories... And sub subcategories... And after a while a sub sub sub sub categories... Code was piling up and boss says "dont worry, you can do it"... So i ended up with a loop within a loop within a loop within a loop... About half a milion combinations... HOW DID YOU BECAME A BOSS WITHOUT LEARNING TO DO MATH BITCH?!2
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Oh come the fuck on.
I’m trying to build a SwiftUI app and I can’t decrypt a video while it’s buffering using DisptchQueue? Wtf do you mean “UI must live on the main queue?” I AM running it on the main queue and it fucking crashes!!!
Please, if anybody knows how to use DispatchQueues correctly in Swift, HIT ME UP! I NEED SERIOUS HELP IN THIS BITCH -
why this fucking nvidia has to come up with its lady drama, ffs mf fragile egoistic gpu.
Fucking EGLStream. Also fuck GBM API, nothing works. shitfuck shit.
There's no way I can have a multi gpu hotswapping with wayland?? are you retardedly crazy bitch ass nvidia. I am tired of this shit.
Why do I have to rely on some other platform? I paid for what? fuciking nothing. This is absurdly fucking trash2 -
Okay chrome debugger extension in vs code where the fuck is my page. Why the hell cant I see it you hateful son of a bitch.
-
Fucking translation service!! (Wordreference)
This morning I got the usual gdpr thingy and I thought "ok let's have a look what this translation service is doing"
You damn bitch that fucking list contains dozens and dozens of rows and I have to fucking manually disable them one by one.
What the hell, did you hire a monkey to code this stuff you utterly incompetent company? I'm never gonna you this thing again
4 -
No it’s ok you can power trip on me that’s fine, it’s just now your delivery is going to be months late. So who’s fault is it really?
Fuck you - fight me bitch. -
I'll fucking kill you bitch who the fuck made you the system administrator of this fucking college? The fuckery you do... god damn some students know more than you and you should agree to this fact. The previous sysadmin was knowledgeable and you are just a fucking worker in the finance department. You fucking dare not call yourself a sysadmin when you can't even read the fucking docs provided by the G Suite. At least you didn't make the mail server yourself otherwise god knows what the shit you'd have spread around.
FUCK YOU12 -
Just burning right through the years of our lives aren’t we ? Same bitch
Same studies
Same unfinished work
Same jack assess
Same bots
I wish people hadn’t gone out of their way to make me feel they were full of shit at points
Liars lying requires some real annoying thoughts to determine if they’re lying 100% of the time or just deceiving because they know you think that6 -
I had my meeting hijacked by two managers yesterday. One just bitched about a problem I couldn't solve. The other came in, uninvited, and bitched at the first manager for pretty much the same problem lol. Isn't it their only job to be good at communicating? Then why do they suck at it more than 200 kindergarteners playing the fucking telephone game?!? And the second manager was like, "I don't understand your jargon, just fix this." Bitch, I don't think you understand english!
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SQL Developer imports. Fucking SQL Developer imports!
"insert failed for rows 800-899"
y u no tell which row specifically and why, you goddamn hateful son of a bitch!?!?! -
"well why don't you walk around outside more often if you're so fat" bitch i got college to do and during what few hours I can spare it's usually raining or way too fucking windy. I get 5 hours a week off on average, excluding sleep time.15
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Me yesterday: finally weekend is coming, I'll start the research for this cool app idea that I want to make for a side project
Me today: Suma1l you magnificent son of a bitch, that blademail surprise... (I'm watching Dota vods on bed while eating snack endlessly) -
Trying to start working in Webstorm... And you have the audacity to whine that "vim has a steep learning curve" bitch please....1
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Ok why tf are some apps that just generate random number need in app purchase? Bitch please?
You know what, I’m gonna write one, and I’m gonna make it free, tell me what features are needed, what I have in mind is: random number between, random N numbers between, random N numbers between without repetition, random from list with and without repetition, what else? Let me know.6 -
me: i dont like this [game/movie/product]
idiots on internet: "iF yOu DoNt LiKe it Then Don'T ..."
bitch i already paid for it5 -
I cannot take this anymore ... The picture on desktop and mobile is not crop equally ....... Please next time I receive that i kill myself. Im so tired of this shit
-
What do you think about that bitch? In french we call it "the whipping father" and as the name says, he's a twat. Let me see how you like your piece of coal when I make you swallow it you fucking cunt. Nobody whip me without my consent.
17 -
swear to god i'm going to say it after listening to some silly stupid z bitch go on and on about her bizniz when she's short and white and tiny and an idiot working for someone else...
gonna snarl 'listen you shredded chomo whore, just because I'm not catching herpes from you doesnt mean you can act like a bitch, you want someone to order something, get better merchandise you worthless bitch!'2 -
When you lost almost three hours to get an unsupported version of the qmk firmware (for mechanical keyboards) compiled, but got chickened out of installing it for fear it would break the only keyboard you have ($100+ and a bitch to get shipped in the country)
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So half of the Internet is down again.
Jfc Cloudflare, you just gonna let Russia, China, and Skynet fuck with you like that?
Bitch ass. -
When you have a service that makes you a £1000 a month that you become completely obsessed with in the assumption you will be making £10,000 a month in 40 years time if you keep going you invest your life into it and ridiculous amounts of time because it's yours and your not making someone else rich and building their dream just someone's bitch. Even tho you can make £400 a day contracting.
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“Well sir I know for real that you spend 100s of dollars in our store a week on food and the like but I’m a fucking bitch that needs to tell you that if you get one of millions of cups we dispense and millions we throw away that has hot water but no bean carcasses with a little of the milk that is going to spoil and some sugar packets that I’ll have to charge you ! No real reason because 99% of my customers by my overpriced Java beans which you do as well most of the last decade and well the rest of our supplies likely have an element of waste and spoilage that you’re just deducting from etc and who cares anyway really but yeah I thought I’d be a bitch today, maybe I want fucked in my face so I can claim by willingly being a bitch I should be able to hurt my intended victim class which I already did just because you punished me for doing so in the past and saying things just to add some more stress go your day?”
HAND OVER THE FUCKING CUP OF HOT WATER INFANTILE MONSTER DRONE GIVING CUSTOMERS EXCUSES TO BE DICKS TO ANYONE IN A LOW PAID POSITION WHO IS MAKING MONEY THAT SHOULD BE OURS !
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