Prof: Okay guys, i need a flash drive to put a copy of your next project.

Me: *pulls out a flash drive and sho-..*

Prof: except you, I dont trust you.

Boss: Are you almost done with that project?
Me: *closing Google search of "dogs in top hats"* I need more time

Before and after wannacry, lol

Client: "You literally did what I asked you to do."
Me: ...
Client: "I need you to do it differently."
Me: ಠ_ಠ

Client: I dont want you to rush. Okay?
Me: Okay sir.
Client: But I need it tomorrow.

Whaaaaaaat????

Customer: I need a program that can do this.
Me: Okay. We can do this. But we recommend you a gui.
Customer: Oh I don‘t need a gui. We have Windows.
Me: you will need a gui. Here you are a dummy programme without a gui. Try it out. Find out yourself.
Customer: I trust you. Dummy is fine. But it’s not ready yet, right?
Me: It’s just a dummy to show you what it means, having ni gui for that.
Customer: all fine i need this programme. Go ahead.
Me codes and silently makes one build with gui... ;) xou know what comes:
Me: here you are your programme.
Customer: how to use it? It is cryptic. A black window opens. I cannot click. The manual is full of text i habve to type. I don’t understand!?
Me: you need a gui.
Customer: Oh. I thought since windows 3.11 everything has one...
Me: pay me bucks I make you the gui.
C: meh. Okay here you are bucks.
Me: take this
C: wow so fast. This is cool. Take my money.

This sort of cognitive dissonance I will never understand. In first case ignoring my hints. In second recognizing my hints were true. But in third forgetting own stupidness and paying me extra-extra for what you ignored? Ethically I hated you so much for ignoring me, that I took your money, but you could have gotten me blaming me not selling you a gui... :D

Have a nice weekend

Teacher :"Git is useless, you don't need it"
Me: -.-
The next day
Me: "thank God I used it"

Boss throwing up a huge source code that I didn't see before.

Boss: Hey, this is an app from a contractor to do XYZ.

Me: Oh, okay.. so?

Boss: You will continue the code and the maintenance now. How much time do you need to implement X feature?

Me: I need to see the code first, can't say nothing now.

Boss: ok I need estimation now.

Me: *getting nervous* I need to see the fuckening code first. if you want estimation now I would say one year..

Boss: what?

Me: what?

"We need you to build a feature on our website to stop people taking screenshots. I can use the print screen key and then easily print out our website design. You need to make the site design harder to copy".

This is an extract from a recent client email I received. To say I'm in shock is an understatement.

I just installed Arch on my laptop. Therefore as of the rules, i need to adress this fact to you.

At work

Me: I need to check something or your pc, with you account

Girl with PC: I wont give you my password

Me: I already have your password

Girl with PC: .....

Manager: This button is too dark, you need to lighten it. Have you no sense of design?

Dev: …

Dev: Hows this for an adjustment?

Manager: Wayyyyy too light now, jesus you need glasses if you think that’s good.

Dev: …

Dev: How about now?

Manager: It’s close, make it just a little more dark. God why does this have to take so long, do I have to hold your hand through this entire process!

Dev: …

Dev: There that good?

Manager: Yes that’s perfect! Send me a PR immediately so I can approve, we need to get this out ASAP, it’s critical!!

Dev: I can’t.

Manager: ????

Dev: There’s no diff, you had me gradually adjust the colour back to exactly what it was originally.

Manager: THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE IT LOOKS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME LIKE THIS, I HAVE A MEETING I NEED TO GET OFF TO BUT WE WILL BE HAVING WORDS LATER ABOUT THIS INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOUR.

Dev: …

A: you need to learn how to figure out stuff yourself.

B: how do i do that

Me and co-worker, working with firebase.

Co-worker: Hey man, I need the private key for the server.

Me: Why?

Co-worker: I need to put it in the client so that I can authenticate.

Me: No.

Co-worker: But this guide tells me ...

Me: No

Co-worker: ... that I need it to create tokens so I can log in.

Me: ... No.

Co-worker: But the guide..

Me: If the guide would ask you to kill yourself, would you?

Co-worker: No but..

*I walk over*

Me: This isn't even related to what we are doing. You can see it in the title.

Me: Did you read the title of this post?

Co-worker: No.

"You need a website, why not do it yourself?"
NO FUCK YOU WIX. I HAVE DONE IT MYSELF AND I BET YOU USE WEEBLYS WEBSITE BUILDER FOR YOUR OWN FUCKING HOME PAGE. YOU KNOW WHAT, I WILL DO IT MYSELF.

*opens code.org*

Windows: I need to update
Me: Fuck off I'm doing an assignment
Windows: Nah mate I need to update like right fucking now
Me: For fucks sake, go on then, but if you take longer than 30mins I'll delete you again
Windows: *Updating 25% done*
Windows: *Reboots*
*Grub rescue screen*
Me: Hello?
Windows: ...
Me: ...
Me: You fucking cunt

Uncle: I need a app for my company.

Me: Sure. What for?

Uncle: Managing my employees on the fly.

Me: So you need a backend, server cost around 20$ month.

Uncle: hmm ok I talk to you next time.

This happens literally with everyone that asks me for a App :/

Me: Hey, boss I need install linux in my work station I don't feel comfortable with windows.

Boss: You can install anything you want

Me:

Boss: "I need you to program tool-1, tool-2 and tool-3"
Me: *creates tool-1*
Boss: "Why did you make tool-1? I needed tool-3 done by now"

Maybe you should have told me that 🙃

Every dev job I see:

You need a billion years of experience, and must be able to fistfight Sauron

"I need your help, just a small fix"

Next thing you know, you are part of another team and harassed for deadlines.

Client: "I need you to implement a feature which does x"
Me: "We can it do like this, I can do it in Y hours."
Client: "Perfect do it"

Me: "Here you go have a look and if you give your ok I'll implement it on production."
Client:"That is not what I need. I need Z"
Me: "Well then you should have said Z and not x. But I can do Z if you want me to."
Client:"Do it it is urgent!!!!111"

Me: "All done here you go."
Client: "That works like what I said what I need, but I meant more like xZ."
Me: "Ok, you know I have to charge you for all this, do you?"
Client: "What why? It isn't the feature I wanted!!11 Do it right and I'll pay you for the right one!"

Me: "It might not be what you wanted but it is exactly what you specified to me. I'll send you the bill and will not continue working for you. Good luck finding someone who is willing to do unpaid work for you."

I am so done with that kind of client.

You know you're tired when you try to open a div like "div()"

I need sleep.....

Boss: I need it done by tonight! Or you are fired!

* turns to laptop *

$> sl

* cries as the train passes :') *

Friend: Hi! Can you create a car rental website for me?
Me: hmmm... yeah, we need to define some..
Friend: I will pay you in beer! 😉
Me: We need to define how you want to die.

Why some people try to ignore the fact that programming is a fucking job?

LoL (I wanted to write only LoL for this rant but you need to write atleast 6 characters, ....oh I think now it's sufficient)

# Day 0:

Me: "Hey boss, I want to let you know that I need this kind of information from the customer for these features, otherwise I cannot finish the project's milestone in two weeks."

Boss: "OK, just continue as far as you can get. We have to get this finished."

Me: "Well, I cannot go any further for these tickets. I need that input. Shall we leave them in todo?"

Boss: "OK."

# Day 7:

Boss: "Whe didn't you start on these tickets in todo?

Me: "As I have told you, I need some information."

Boss: "We gotta get this out of the door!"

Me: "Yes, if we want to meet the deadline, we should. Yet I cannot guess the feature. Also, let me create a column: `to clarify` and move that ticket there. As I have said: I need that information. You have to contact the customer about it and get their feedback.

Boss: "OK."

# Day 13:

Boss: "Why isn't this project finished? There are still tickets open."

Me: "You never provided the information I asked you about."

Boss: "I want an explanation not an excuses."

Me o_O: "This is the explanation. I was asking you on multiple occasions about the required feedback. You never provided it. See the columns name? It's called `to clarify`. We created it last time together. That clarification never happened even though I told you that I need it. I cannot do magic. I can only implement features, and while I can sometimes make intelligent guesses to their use cases, I rather implement their actual ones than my fictional ones.

Boss: "You should have told me."

Me: ಠ_ಠ

I just learned a new word that many of you could need:

Fubar - Fucked up beyond all recognition

Technical Founder at today's meeting: "All of you guys have work-life balance. It shouldn't be like that. We need act like a startup. You guys need to work really hard. This guy (pointing at me) once worked 10 hours each day, where I worked 16 hours. We really need to move fast."

I'll just leave this words here.

When you start a project...

What you should think about :
- What does it do?
- How should I make it?
- What should I need?

What EVERY SINGLE OF YOU think about :
- What should I call it?
- Do I need a logo?
- Lemme sketch some design features. Maybe Material Design looks nice.

(lol)

Me: hey I have a major issue I need to discuss. Would you be free tomorrow at any of these times: A, B or C?

Him: Yes

Me: ... ... ... ok I’ve a new issue I need to discuss with you right now!

HR: why you want to work with us.

Me inside: you stupid, because you need my skills and I need your stupid money, stop reading articles about stupid interview questions.

Me: because I love to work on such amazing environment, and I really love the technology you're using.

Them: We really need you to fill out this sheet today with estimated release dates.

Me: I really need you to respond to any of the emails I’ve sent over the past week, asking questions about what these tickets mean.

Boss: Hey squares, I need one of you to select a new volume control, if you spot anything let me know.
Me: Say no more

I got this one from my senior PM, You...go to your seat and get me a software...that would create other Softwares for me...so that I don't need to have explain every time I need something to be built...to people like you...i will use that and build for my own. I told him...Sir you can use an IDE.

"Do you know the HTML? I need an email template"

Nah, the website just fucking magically made itself, it was amazing.

Docs: If you get a 500 error [...] you may need to run chmod -R 777 storage[...]
I: wait *reads again*
Doc:s chmod -R 777
I: 😲
Docs: 777
I: rm -rf ./

Dev: Hey, I need you to see something.
Client: ok
Dev: this is the models of those reports you need
Client: ok, wait, what is that number? This is wrong, we can't...
Dev: hey, calm down, this is not the production, it's just fake database!
Client: ah, ok.
(5 minutes of explantion)
Dev: so, what do you think?
Client: just one point, that data is very very wrong, we need to change this ASAP!

During a random meeting for a project:

PM: We'll need you to learn Go for this project. It says you know python in your job skills, so it should be easy.
Me: Uh, hiiii. I'm in security, not development. Can't help you, I really shouldn't even be here.
PM: I think Go has security built-in, does that help?
Me: ... I don't know, you need a developer.
PM: Do you know any Go people?
Me: I think that's something you should know.
- Silence enters the room -
PM: Yes perhaps, but you don't know anyone?

Fucking wat?

I'M NOT HELPDESK. I CAN'T FIX YOUR BROWSER OPTIONS. I LOVE YOU TO FUCKING PIECES BECAUSE YOU STOP THE INCREDIBLY FUCKING STUPID CALLS, BUT I CAN'T HELP YOU and now I feel like a prick. Call your boss and make him do his fucking job. Please. I don't want to scream at you. I need you in my life...

"I need these permissions that J has"

J has those permissions because he worked on a different team that was granted those, you do not.

"I need it"

No

"I need it"

Its not within my power to allow you access, you have to talk with R and M.

"Okay well guess what I'm gonna escalate this up thr chain and its gonna come down on you"

*sigh* what do i do when i literally have no authority to give someone something and am clearly doing my jobb right, but someone thinks they can get me... idk... in trouble? Threaten me??? Logic, meet the window

"I need you to reduce the budget on this project you have already delivered."
- Actual client.

What the duck man? I need answers, not you popping your eyes over my bad code!

~March 7~
Boss: Hey cory, guess what, you will not take control of the servers anymore so you can focus on your real job, the company hire someone to do it
Me: Great, finally i can just program, thanks for the news boss

~Yesterday~
Boss: Hey cory, guess what, the person the company hired needs help to migrate some servers so you need to help him on weekend
Me: Well, it's ok i can do the job

~Today~
Director: Hey mr cory, we need you to help jonny on weekend
Me: Fine boss, i will be on weekend
Director: That's the attitude we need in the company, I do not know how much time you need but we're going to pay you 24 extra hours
Me inside ~every went better than expected~ 🤷‍♂️

Product owner: "I want these 6 epics delivered in 12 months"
Me: "can't to that with 2 devs, need more"
PO: "how many?"
Me: "can't say, you haven't spec'd them"
PO: "how do you know 2 devs can't deliver them?"
Me: "educated fucking estimations you fucktrumpet - at least 2 of them look like 6 month projects for 2 devs, so you need to pay for more resource!"

Are you shitting me?

IT'S LITERALLY A FUCKING WEBAPP, WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK DO I NEED TO BE RUNNING MACOS OR WINDOWS

Anybody else work dual screen and every once in a while thinks, you know what, I need a third screen!

IT Requests:

"I need (insert vague IT related need), because otherwise we can't do our job."

- What have you been doing up until now?

Interviewer: we need you to work overtime.
Dev: ok.
I: but we dont pay overtime work.
D:(so you want me to work for free?)
D:OK.

That moment you realise you’re on holidays and you’re still fucking working 🤦‍♂️

I think I need a raise for this shit,

I need you now more than ever Santa.

"There were a lot of complaints about missing grades" well, yes. That's what happens when you make me grade all 60 submissions every week while I work 10-12 hours a day at my other job, on average.

When Google recruits, I guess they don't need to ask you anything, since they are already tracking your every move.

Boss: "is it done yet?"

Me: "I've been telling everyone we have a problem and I need all hands on deck. I've already analyzed the issue and explained it to you and the options but YOU PEOPLE NEED TO DECIDE or I decide and probably break things along the way..."

Why does everyone ignore me when I need help but are ok asking me when they need help?

/(ò.ó)┛彡┻━┻

Lodash is the new JQuery.

"How do I sum two numbers?"
"Uhm... dude, I think you are gonna need Lodash"

Boss: I need you guys to give me an estimate on how long this project will take.

Team: We've put a lot of thought into this, and we think we can get it done in 2 months.

Boss: I need it next week.

I love the reactions I get when I shout across the room, "Will, you need to Pull!"

Interviewer: Sell me this pen
He: Hey do you want to buy this pen ?
Interviewer: No
He: You might need it to write stuff
Interviewer: No, I don't need it.
He: Ok, no problem.. Bye
Interviewer: What are you trying to do?
He: Trying to be a part of a company that doesn't sell stuff to people they don't need or want ..
Interviewer:
He:
Interviewer: Please give my pen back..

Dev: I need you to do X

IT: Ok we will do Y

Dev: I don’t want Y I want X

IT: Well you’ll need to go through the change request process then since you have just modified your requirements.

Dev: …

Dear Product Owners,

If you tell me how I need to architect my software again I'm going to ask you to provide a network topology of the architecture you want me to build.

I'll also need you to request the new servers, work with the ops teams to setup credentials, provision the NAT, register the domains and document the routes that the proxy will need to use.

then I'll need you to hook the repo up to our non-existent pipeline so that I can make sure I won't do all that testing I already can't do.

I hope you're paying attention, because that framework you told me I needed to use is going to be a pain to setup correctly.

after you're done with that, please attach any documentation you shit out to the ticket you never created.

Enragedly yours,
Looking for a new job

PS: get fucked

Task estimated for 2 days
*Half day later*
🤡 : Have you done it?
Me : No, I told you it would take 2 days

*Day later*
🤡 : Have you done it? Do you need any help?

Fuck you dickhead. If you don't like how I'm doing things, just fucking do them yourself. Or how about you give me some specifications, designs, a consistent database model? No? Fine, then don't fucking complain when I make do with what I have.

ALRIGHT sorry SwiftKey I love you but not if you do this to me... I need a new keyboard any recommendations? (android)

(also the accuracy is quite bad as of late...)

> You need to make this small change, it won't cause any problem I swear

The small change:

Somewhere in a lonely break room
There's a guy starting to realize that eternal hell has been unleashed unto him.
It's two a.m.

It's two a.m.
The boss has gone
I'm sitting here waitin'
This desktop's slow
I am getting tired of fixin' all my coworkers' problems
Yeah there's a bug on the loose
Errors in the code
This is unreadable
Rubber ducky can't help
I cannot debug, my whole life spins into a frenzy

Help I'm slippin' into the programming zone
Git push to the prod
Set up a repo
My hard drive just crashed
All my code is gone
Where am I to go
Now that I've broke my distro
Soon you will come to know
When you need Stack Overflow
Soon you will come to know
When you need Stack Overflow

I'm falling down a spiral
Solution unkown
Disgusting legacy, ugly code
Can't get no connection
Can't get through to commit

Well the night weights heavy
On my confused mind
Where's the error on this line
When the CEO comes
He knows damn well
To keep his distance
And he says

Help I'm slippin' into the programming zone
Git push to the prod
Set up a repo
My hard drive just crashed
All my code is gone
Where am I to go
Now that I've broke my distro
Soon you will come to know
When you need Stack Overflow
Soon you will come to know
When you need Stack Overflow
When you need Stack Overflow

When you need Stack Overflow, a ha
When you need Stack Overflow
When you need Stack Overflow, a ha
When you need Stack Overflow

When you need Stack Overflow, a ha
When you need Stack Overflow
When you need Stack Overflow, a ha
When you need Stack Overflow

Manager: "If you need me, just @ me"
Me: "Can you look at this right now?"
Manager: "Sorry I'm at a tennis match, I'll be 30mins"
3 hours later
Manager: "Do you still need me?"

...

Me: "A device died. Playbook says we have to flash it and lose all data on it, but we could go to the vendor for a solution if their fast enough. I just need you to make the call to deviate"
Manager: "Uggghhh" (goes offline for 2 hours)

Wtf man?!

Interviewer: Do you use object-oriented methodology?
Me: (Do I need to elaborate it if I say yes?) Usually I do.
Interviewer: Em. I see.
#End of story.

HR: you didn’t write in your job experience that you know kubernetes and we need people who know it.

Me: I wrote k8s

HR: What’s that ?

…
Do you know docker ?
Do you know what docker is ?
Do you use cloud ?
Can you read and write ?
Are you able to open the door with your left hand ?
What if we cut your hands and tell you to open the doors, how would you do that ?
What are your salary expectations?
Do you have questions, I can’t answer but I can forward them. Ask question, ask question, questions are important.
What is minimal wage you will agree to work ?
You wrote you worked with xy, are you comfortable with yx ?
We have fast hiring process consisting of 10 interviews, 5 coding assessments, 3 talks and finally you will meet the team and they will decide if you fit.
Why do you want to work … here ?
Why you want to work ?
How dare you want to work ?
Just find work, we’re happy you’re looking for it.
What databases you know ?
Do you know nosql databases ?
We need someone that knows a,b,c,d….x,y,z cause we use 1,2,3 … 9,10.
We need someone more senior in this technology cause we have more junior people.
Are you comfortable with big data?
We need someone who spoke on conference cause that’s how we validate that people can speak.
I see you haven’t used xy for a while ( have 5 years experience with xy ) we need someone who is more expert in xy.
How many years of experience you have in yz ??? (you need to guess how many we want cause we look for a fortune teller )

Not much changed in job hunting, taking my time to prepare to leetcode questions about graphs to get a job in which they will tell me to move button 1px to the left.

Need to make up some stories about how I was bad person at work and my boss was angry and told me to be better so I become better and we lived happy ever after. How I argued with coworkers but now I’m not arguing cause I can explain. How bad I was before and how good I am now. Cause you need to be a better person if you want to work in our happy creepy company.

Because you know… the tree of DOOM… The DOMs day.

update of after i got fired: after the fuck developers company llc was left with no developers, there was a girl there that i didn't mention earlier because as i said: the story is more complex. she came there with good intentions but after she knew the cruel nature of fuck and shit she became notoriously mad, we're still in contact with her so it's nice to hear from her some of the gags that happen there, one of which my really intelligent ex-boss the wordpress DEVELOPER himself told her to finish one of the projects i was working on, and a friend of mine who is infamous of his coding shenanigans left it in my hands before he left as well a couple of months prior (well he was fed up before us, and when i told him to stay with us he said "dude just listen to the motherfucker's voice, i can't do this anymore", my lovely ex-boss has this equally lovely screechy high pitched voice that caused me tinnitus), it's an asp.net project, uses web forms, and a lot of apis, the database is sql server, standard shit but there's no original creation script and i fucked up the only existing database which was in a local computer he used to like calling a SERVER, now to the point: this girl is not a developer, she was however working as a reporter?? kind of like jaspersoft the human or sap crystal woman and she claims that she's pretty good at it, and she's a genuinely good person who was dragged to hell just because she wanted to be close to her daddy (she was working in a different city with more than double the salary she's given now), but she's rich and her dada convinced her to come. she's currently learning java ee on her own so she'd probably leave in the next two months, in her resume she wrote that she know php, well i know php you know php we all know php (the syntax) kind of like mr. shit who passed the sololearn php CERTIFICATE and couldn't stop telling his boss and his boss a.k.a my ex-boss goes "sweet!". going back to the punchline of this rant: she told us that he came to her and asked her to finish the project with php.

Today,

My "big boss" call me because I take too much time to develop a website. She thinks all I need to do is drag n drop. Why the f*ck do you need to hire me if it's only drag n drop you "super smart ass licker"? Man, this old people need some update about technology.

Btw, the "drag n drop" idea came from Dreamweaver YouTube tutorial.

Guy: "We need you to update a few applications so we can get some new data. We have very important reports we need out of it!"

Me: "OK how soon do you need it?"

Guy: "Two days!! So we can start putting in the data then will have you create the reports."

...two days later...(in the spongebob narrator voice)

Me: " OK its done. Go in add the data you need then let me know so I can generate the reports."

....4 weeks later...still haven't heard from them and they haven't put in the data. Glad it was soooo important that I had to drop everything else to put in the updates that haven't been used.

PM: We don't need a spec. We'll figure it out as we go.
Me: O_O.... So what do you need the system to do?.....
PM: ( gives vague requirements)

4 weeks later I still no clue what they need.

"I’m gonna send you the fax now but I need the sheet back, okay?"

Yesterday with my boss:

Hey boss, can I work from home tomorrow?

Boss: No, I need you in the office, we need to discuss some things together.

....He didn't come to the office today, he just made me come to train the newcomer LOL.

Ubuntu One decided I am a bot and won't let me log in. Well, fuck you! I don't need you anymore.

To register for Facebook's hacker cup.

Fuck you 1:
I need a Facebook account

Fuck you 2:
I need to enter my address and phone number mandatorily. Because they'll send me a t shirt if I win one. It's not like anyone would not win a t shirt or not want one right? So fucking slurp away at all their privacy data any way.

Here's my address for you facebook

No 666, fuck you street, privacypolis, fuckington offville.

I need 10++ to build my avatar . Thank you so muchhh

Worst thing I heard today: you can't do this in Javascript... you need at least jQuery

"An error has occurred. Please try again."

WELL WHAT THE FUCK IS THE ERROR? WHY CANT YOU TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO TO FIX THE ERROR YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT.

I shouldn't need to submit a form 23 fucking times, changing field values each time, because of an uninformative fucking error message.

Pickup line of the day
"I need you like chrome needs RAM!"

No, brain. I don't need to know Python.

Shut up, you already know Ruby, PHP, and a fuckton of front-end tech, you don't need to --

Do you remember the 3 projects that we aren't working on anymore because we have the PS4 and Assassin's Creed?

I already have a job, moron! It sounds fun, but we...

What am I doing on codecademy?

We're gonna make t-shirts connected with smart advertisements on it. I heard you are a programmer, I'll only need a web site and mobile app. If it work I may pay you. But you know it's seems quite easy I'm note sure you'll need money for that.

I need help hacking a Facebook account? Can you help me?

*Unfriended instantly*

Do you ever feel like the world around you is falling apart and the more you try to grasp onto something, that piece brakes off as well? I need change...

Yay! (What do you mean I need 6 characters!)

All i need to start working:
Grunt
Chrome
Atom
Emmet
Creative Cloud
And a iMac

And you?

*working in android with manager who doesn't know android*

Me:"we need to establish different intents for x and y to get the job done"

Manager:"i dont need you deciding what I intend to do"

.... thats not what I meant by intent

“I need one fullstack engineer”

“Ok, what exactly do you need?”

“Javascript, Nodejs, C/C++, CUDA, Andible, RabbitMQ. Oh, and I need him/her now until end of February”

Don’t we all just love these kind of discussions?

PM: "Please try to prioritize this request that we made last Friday at 5pm over all your other high priority stuff we know you're busy and we should have requested this 3 months ago... but now we need to deliver next week and well we need it"

5 minutes later "When can you deliver that?"
Another 5 minutes later "Sorry can you give me that delivery date? We REALLY need it"

Well maybe if you leave me in peace and I can concentrate on my job rather than answering silly requests I can make up an idea of how much time I need to deliver... but of course I'm just a code monkey, I press some randome keys and the magic happens.

A new head of operations joins a small company.
— Okay guys, I’m planning for the long run. I need 500 warehouses across the country — we might need that capacity. We will build them rather than renting them — Amazon does the same thing, so we should too. We also need our own shipping fleet — FedEx has that too, so it’s a battle-tested approach. We might need that capacity. We need a future-proof solution.
— Uh… That’s kind of dumb. Are you kidding me?

A new head of engineering joins a small company.
— Okay guys, I’m planning for the long run. I need an AWS cluster running Kubernetes deploying microservices built with Docker. We might need autoscaling. Frontend should be Next.js + TypeScript — everyone does that now, plus we can develop a React Native app more easily if need be. We need a future-proof solution.
— Wow! That’s what I call a good manager. You really know what you’re talking about. You’re promoted!

In standup I talked about how I am blocked on two tasks and what I need from the people who can unblock them.

Business Analyst who runs the standup/acts as some type of scrum master thing then asks me what I need to unblock the tasks.

I JUST FUCKING TOLD YOU, HOLY SHIT.

Cunt: hey i need you do to Thing
Me: sure, send me the details
C: yep! How long do you think it will take you to finish it?
Me: yes

I guess you only need one of this after a long week.

You came to me with a problem, and I have the solution. I'm working with you to achieve a goal not for you.
I don't need you, you need me.

I've been using the above statement for a little over two years. Has been working pretty well. Might not apply to or help everyone but it sure helps me.

-Client: I have a problem.My pc says I need a snake to run this program.
-IT guy: Please sir,tell exactly what it says.
-Client: You need Python to run this program.
-IT guy: *hits his head on the keyboard

When client said 'I need simple site' you got to prepare for lots of hard work.

My desk is organized for me. I know where everything is. You don't need to understand my desk because you don't sit at it for 8 hours a day.

Reading the Facebook PHP SDK documentation today to make a custom feed on a site. The documentation tells you how to do absolutely everything. Which is great in theory, but means you have loads to read to find the small bit you need.

Turns out I didn't need the SDK after all. Used simple curl request instead.

-Are you programmer?
-maybe?
-can you do something for me?
-can I?
-I need you to hack this Face..
-Not again...

A couple of days ago I needed a RS232 to USB adaptor.
Went to a store:
Me: Do yo have any RS232 to USB adaptor?
Him: Only to USB-C
Me: Ok... Now I just need a USB -> USB-C adaptor
Him: But what kind of TV do you want to connect?
Me: Wait. WHAT?
Him: Yea, you want a VGA to USB? Why do you need that?
Me: No, RS232, I don't need VGA...
Him: Ah... ok, no... we don't have any...

(Funny story... almost the same happened in 3 stores in a row....)
fml

Fucking recruiters. When you say "multiple languages" and I ask for clarification, saying "multiple languages and you need to know object oriented design" again doesn't clarify things one bit

Woah Google, not fair!
Right when I need to learn for my exams, you release Golang 1.12.

How long can you code continuously without any break? Occasionally I can code for hours but usually I need frequent little breaks. :/

I have 2695 unit tests in current project.

Most of them are useless but you still need to maitain them....

NO, YOU ABSOLUTE DISGUSTING GREMLIN OF A JS HTTP CLIENT, I DON'T WANT YOU TO "JsOn.StRiNgiFy" MY PAYLOAD OR DOING ANY WEIRD SHIT

I NEED TO SEND THIS THING EXACTLY AS IT'S WRITTEN, STOP TRYING TO GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO I'M A DEV WITH SOME 7 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE WRITING CODE, I'M SENDING A STRING CUZ I NEED TO SEND A STRING

So I'm tasked with rewriting the old software my employer uses to track basically anything in his company. They want to stick quite close to the old workflow as much as possible, I get that.

"Why exactly do you need access to the system? No you don't need to look at it just recreate the flow. I'll give you the sql structure is that OK? Oh and this won't take long, you can copy from the old code can't you? Wait why do you need access to the code? No. "

🙄

Me: "Here is the new feature you asked for. You can select from the dropdown and if it's "Other" you can put the details in the text field next to it"

Them: "I need to add options to the dropdown"

Me: "If you need something added to the dropdown, just let me know and we can get it added, but we need to control that field"

Them: "It won't be necessary to communicate with you to add something to the dropdown"

Me: "Yes. It will be"

how would you spell the sound of a fart? I really need this for commenting a block of code in PHP

Post on Craigslist: Need simple website. No coding, HTML and CSS only. Send price and examples.
Me: I need you to answer 4 questions before I can send a price.
Them: I really like your work, but if you cant give me a price without me answering any questions then you arent a good fit.

Yeah.... I feel for the guy that picks this one up.

I dont need DuckDuckGo,
I dont need any VPN
I dont need all of this "Internet Privacy Service" BULLSHIT which my ISP wants me to use,
I DONT NEED ANY OF THIS FUCKING SHIT!
AND I DONT WANT IT EITHER!
I HAVE MY OWN PI HOLE!
AND THATS FUCKING ENOUGH FOR WHAT I NEED! STOP TELLING ME ABOUT ALL THIS "We are clearly not logging your shit" WHILE YOU DO!!
Because I have my own shit!

Thx

Why do you want to work for this company?
I'm broke and i need a placement for Uni next year

Tuesday**

PM: can we have this site hosted by Friday..?
Me: I'll try but I need all the information about their organization

Wednesday**

PM: *sends half of the info I need

Thursday**
PM: how far have you gone..? I want us to host tomorrow
Me: I still don't have all the information I need

I need help understanding GitHub culture. How many stars do you say is equal to 1000 Instagram likes?

Why is it that companies feel the need to ask, “Why do you wanna work here?” Or “What made you apply?”

Ah, idk, just spitballing here, you’re hiring and I’m unemployed.

I need money, and I heard you pay ppl to do work for you. 🤷🏾‍♂️

I have bills to pay and u have the money to satisfy that need.

Good enough or should I keep going?? 🙄

I have noticed that even here there are people who need this explained to them, so here you go, you're welcome.

Why the fuck do Synaptic touchpad drivers suck so much? Seriously, it already crashed my laptop...
And it likes to reverse scroll direction randomly, which is really annoying.

Ok guys. I have a very important question to ask you.
I need your help. How do you explain to your girlfriend/boyfriend that you are a developer so you need to spend a lot of time on your computer? My new girlfriend does not want to understand.
Thanks guys.

Bought a s8 only to fucking hate it again. FUCKING Bixby i dont fucking need you. FUCK you Samsung. I want Google fucking Assistant you piece of shit.

Dear team leader, If you tell me „I need to review this merge request before merging”, then make sure you are able to allocate time to do this.

If you need MORE THAN A WEEK to even start, then maybe your delegation skills are nonexistent.

5 years ago , when I started coding and problem solving things , my IT teacher said "you need to be patient, to learn coding"
Nowadays I found out why you need to be patient.
To deal with stupid clients ..!!!!

Reasons I'm glad I'm out of freelance:

I want you to rebuild my website but you need to do it here in front of me so if it breaks later, I can fix it.

Lucky shit: no need to clean ass/toilet

Lucky call: Boss/Client asks you immediately after you say Hello if you were ill, and leaves you alone

Today I had both!

Hard times are coming....

I am working as a freelance for some company, and yesterday my boss just put my pay and work on hold til next week when he is available.

So now I have a free week, with no money.

Fuck.

- Hi, I need this config set up on the server. What do you think? Could you do it?
- Yeah seems fine. But we need to assess it properly.
- Ok, let me show you in details.
- Err.. hmm, reach out to me tomorrow.
...
** Then he stays offline all day. **

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO **REACH OUT** TO YOU???? VIA SMOKE SIGNALS??!! Some supernatural powers??

Oh man, I hate depending on other people to finish a fucking job.

So you may have noticed that I'm making a way to create devRant Webhooks (see last rant), but now I need you help:

What Webhooks would/could you need?
What does it do?
What additional fields does it need (for example for specific tags)?
What data does it send?

Thanks in advance!

that moment when you want to code but don't have anything to work on... I need more programming friends

Definitely 'ditto' this is one of the best tool for every programmer.

It's a multi clipboard-history where you can store more then one item. You never need to think: 'what's last thing in my clipboard. Do I still need it?'

That moment when you simply can't find a solution to a specific dev problem and you urgently need to finish your code..... I know the feeling.

Roses are red

Boost I need you

You do so much I cannot breath

You fucking need to be hacked around every time I have to compile you for a different compiler or VS version getyourshittogheter fucking hell it makes me hate you

Client: I need you to fix my website
Me: Okay, can you send me your existing website files for me to fix.
Client: here is the screenshot
Me: -_-

😔this weekend should be fun, I... I need to... well you see... I need to create a woocommerce site despite my better judgments and opinions on the subject.

God, if you are listening.. well reading, please have mercy on my soul.

Need urgent change for the site, it takes 5 minutes I guess, no more than an hour anyway.

Can you do it during your break? Thank you

Anyone use AutoHotKeys?

If you do, what are some scripts you use daily?

I also plan to create some of my own scripts and I need suggestions

Just quickly add this column to live, bro. What? What do you mean you need to write a "proper" migration? It's just a simple extra column I need!

when you need two things to work: the 1st works and the 2nd doesn't and then you fix the 2nd thing but the 1st stops working...this was not a negotiation! I need both things to work!

Work in the morning and here we are devRant, we have to quit doing this to ourselves. We need to take a break. I'm sorry, but you have consumed my life. The chuckles, feed refreshes, and +1s will be but treasured moments I have with you. Wait.. Who am I kidding? I need you! Don't leave, I'll stay with you forever.

I can tell everything I need to know about you by looking at where you put your curly brackets.

How the fuck do you do a performance review?

For me, we need to do self assessments.

Part of it is what I do well, part of it is what i need to improve.

No idea what to put, since I feel like I'm awful at everything lol.

Advertisment:

I need Alfred. I need Jarvis.

You don't need to call me Sir.

DAMNIT JUPYTER. Kernel stop dying on me when I need you. I thought this was a mutual loving relationship.

Ah demonstration day. The day when everything that does not need to break, will break. The day when you give birth to the nastiest "temporary" quick fixes. I need a smoke and a coffee, gonna be a long day.

Every single time I try and watch a coding related video on YouTube at the start I hear

'You need a website? Why not do it yourself..'

And I always respond with a sarcastic,

'Uh..why don't you go fuck yourself'

If you know...you know..

::This app says you need at least 3GB RAM.

::> delete everything there, I don't need anything.

:: uaaaaa.... you can't (long pause... ) do that.

::> I don't need anything from the laptop, delete everything and make the app run.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (he had 2GB ram)

Installing a software on Linux can be such a pain sometimes....
This software needs a dependency, which needs another, which in turn needs another......

I mean if you already know you need it, go install it yourself. Why do I need to do everything manually?

And no. A simple apt get install won't work. You need a third party dependency which adds the package to the repository and some other stuff before you can do anything.

Why? Just why?

That feeling when you find a library in GitHub that does everything you need but you see it hasn't been updated in more than two years... Just in case I answered a few issues, I hope I helped someone

No I don't know the specs for the project, why I hear you ask? Because instead of a bloody quote and planning this project was planned in a fucking email chain...

I got handed over a project that has hundreds of lines of commented codes, some dating back to 2013. I am then told not to delete those as we "might need them". WHAT DO YOU NEED A 4 YEAR OLD COMMENTED CODE FOR???

F++ you! You never here when I need you. You force me to sleep when I want to code. You force me to code when I want beer. I hate you, time!

Python: I heard you like importing stuff explicitly, so I made sure you had to import every mother-fucking thing you need. Even the things that you obviously need and couldn't possibly do anything without.
What's that? You want more import statements than actual code? Look no further than Python, my friend. At least it scales, amirite?

Me 🤗"Since you know the domain far better than me, can I ask you to help me understand if I managed to cover all the edge cases with these UNIT TESTS?
😒" no no no, you don't need to check for those cases, you already do that in your code"
🤗 "I'm sorry, I must have explained myself badly. I have written these UNIT TESTS exactly to ... TEST if those CHECKS in my code work and what I need is you to tell me if there are additional cases ..."
😫"but you don't need to!!! You already have that logic in your code"
😐😵☠ 🦍💊🔫🔪"you know what? I'm gonna give them a second look. Thanks"
And then I moonwalked out of the room

I need to sleep, can you please add “Disconnect from DevRant at bedtime” in the next release!?

Just heard about Malbolge and I just need to ask...why???
How border do you need to be to make something like this? And why?
I mean I heard about brainfuck , small and huh? before, but this is some next level shit

When you have friends that have no idea how to use a computer.

Dave: Dude, I need some RAM

Nathan: Ram? You need a goat?

Dave: Sigh, Back to square one...

I need help with learning .NET (C#) i need a project that is easy and that I can learn from. What did you guys do to learn .NET

You need 15 reputation to vote
You need 50 reputation to comment

——
I understand the need for strict moderation but sometimes stackoverflow just needs to chill for a bit.

I need motivation for programmin!
Could you guys recommend something like movie, documentary or anything!
Thanks!

dev: ugh we need to set and implement coding standards

same dev: no I don't need to follow what you just said, it's already clean and readable (it's not)

Some Devs need to be better about sharing info. Like, I don't want to play 20Qs just to learn how to configure a system I never used. You have job security, don't worry! Other people are allowed to know what ya know; you don't need to impress anyone!

I need a good coding playlist. Any good music you listen to while coding?

Do you need a degree to work as a developer? I would like feedback from professionals.

Thanks.

.. I.. need advice n help..
So, you see.. I want to change my life.. Where should I start?.

I am .net developer. Do you need any help?

Is there a particular brand of Rubber Duck you would recommend for C++? Lord knows I need it...

Anybody else work dual screen and every once in a while thinks.
You know want, I need a third screen!

Do you guys feel the need to put unnecessary tags on every rant. I do.

Typical Windows 10:
When you don't need to do something fast - I'm super fast OS, I have no bugs and I won't throw BSOD's
When you need to do something REALLY fast - Hey, I've got some updates, I'll be installing them during several eternities and I'll throw you some BSOD's cause I can
PS. In such cases I really want to install linux

When I need to ask my boss something...
Jesus... This guy explains you 3 HOURS long on why you need this cable and why you cant use another one, and he wants you to write it down... Every. Single. Word...

Favourite thing you worked on recently?
——
I’m working on server monitoring system. I found that I need to pay for most server monitor services, and ones that are free/open source didn’t sound like they fit my use case (b/c the server i need to monitor is shared,) so I basically said “f*<k it I’ll do it myself.” I find it fun to work on something that I feel the need to make.

How many times a day you have to install Java?

I mean, how many cups of coffee you need per day.

Do you distance yourself from people who calls, messages or email's you when they need help? I have few friends who are nice people but they remember me when they need some work to be done. They don't call me to meet for drink or hangout.

I need a framework that does http and websockets for C++. I have seen many that offer a crap load of stuff like widgets, Json, templates... I only need the protocols!

Do you guys have any experience in this?

Any Xamarin devs out there? I need to pick your brain for a few minutes if you don't mind.

Recruiter rant.
Me as a fresher.
Submit your resume?
I thought you went through it before you called me down.
Yes, but I will need a copy.
Don't you have it in your inbox.
(And I was rejected.)

DAILY LARAVEL PROBLEMS

I need to parse a JWT with some custom claims. There's a JWT library with Laravel; documentation really lacking, kinda hardcoded to work with Laravel but whatever; it's already installed, let's see what can I do with it.

It turns out I can't say something like "take this token, parse it, tell me it's valid". Let's see how that goes.
You need to build a parsing class with a manager, some auth stuff, a parser.
To build said manager you need a provider that implements a contract, a blacklist, a factory (of what?)
To build the factory (of what?) you need a claim factory and a payload validator
To build the claim factory you need a request
To build the blacklist you need a Storage
To build the storage you need a CacheContract
To build a CacheContract you need IDK it's a mess
To build the contract you need... IDK for real

WHY LARAVEL IS SHIT: 'cause only in this framework it seems reasonable to build this clusterfuck to parse a base64 encoded string, throw some json_decode and check a signature. And have it work only to authenticate a user.

Every time I updated API document, I ask you to comment

You said it looks fine

And when we start integration, you said this need to change

🤷‍♂️

Mom: Cool! I need a webshop!
Dad: hah OK, I still make more money then you though.
Little brother: MAKE ME A GAME!
Girlfriend: You only play ping-pong and drink coffee all day!

//Met an old friend
So I heard you're a programmer now. I need some help from you.

*write something on paper

HACK this fb account unless you are a big fat phony.

!rant
Did any of you decompiled 16 Bit DOS program?
I need some help.

Have you ever been in the situation "I need to leave this job, my health demands it... But I can't, I need money" ?
What did you do? 😢

I would freelance but I have no idea where to start to find clients...

I would also stop for a while to make a proper portfolio or GitHub profile, since I always worked for companies with code discretion, I have nothing to show to new employers 😕

Boss: How much longer do you think you need to finish feature X?
Me: At least 2 weeks.
...
Me the day after: Well, it seems that I didn't need so much time after all. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

dev1: where are all scrum masters?

dev2: WFH

dev1: can I do that?

dev2: yeah, but you need their approval first

The PM decides to know everything, until I ask them something. „oh this is too technical for me, go somewhere else for the answer“.

Excuse me? You know what they need but do you know why they need JUST LIKE THAT??!? Every project starts to feel like a fucking scam

"Can you make this quick change?"

"Yeah, but I'll need to change every page this thing is on and you told me this other project I'm working on is high-priority. Are you sure you want me to do this?" (Also this is a change you're capable of making yourself...)

"It shouldn't take too long, we need this done."

...if I thought it wouldn't take long, I wouldn't have brought it up.

Fuck you shitty clean swift architecture. I need to learn swift and mobile apps programming. As if that wasn't already hard enough I also need to understand clean swift. This shit feels like going in circles for the most basic stuff without any tangible benefits.

When I hear the words "You need network permission to access GitHub".

I just love sudo. You need to delete one stupid locked file that's not even locked, but the damn terminal isn't capable to check twice. When you delete the files recursively however, sudo loves you so much it takes the folder as its own, so... I need to remove another thing now! Sure! Why not!