My Friend: Dude our Linux Server is not working anymore!

Me: What? What did you do?

My friend: Nothing I swear!

Me: But you were last on it?

My friend: Yes. I just wanted to run a bash file and needed to give it permissions.

Me : WHAT DID YOU ENTER???!

My Friend: Chill man, just this command I found on the internet
chmod -R 600 /
chown -R root:root /

Me: WHY ARE YOU EVEN IN ROOT AND GOD DAMMIT WHY ARE YOU EVEN USING SOME RANDOM COMMAND FROM THE INTERNET. YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD NOT DO THIS OR JUST ASK!

My friend: Ok I did something wrong, how can I fix it?

Me: Did you make a backup or rsync of the server?

My friend: No. I just wanted to run this file.

Me: You holocausted the server. FUCK MY LIFE

My friend said this,

Roses are red,
The screen turned blue,
I'm not a programmer,
What the fuck do I do.

Friend: "What is devRant?"
Me: "A place where programmers tell jokes and complain."
Friend: "Why dont you just do that irl?"
Me: "Because we never test in production"

Friend: What is the easiest way to become a developer?

Me: Just buy an Android phone.

Friend: *deletes something from the internet*
"Thank god, now it's gone forever!"

Me: *Laughs in French*
"Hahahaha!"

Friend: "What?"

Me: "No, I'm pretty sure almost everything you put on the internet stays on the internet."

Friend: "ARE YOU STUPID??! The button says fucking DELETE. What else would it to do? Please use your brain for once."

Me: "You realize that text in the button is just a string right?"

Friend: *Looks confused*
"Stop trying to be such a smartass. Why would it be called 'delete' if it doesn't delete? Your logic make no sense whatsoever."

Me: *Makes quick simple app in order to prove my point*

App has 4 buttons:

-Play Music: Shows a picture of a dog

-Stop Music: Starts playing music video of Never gonna give you up

-Close App: Changes the interface to a random color

-Delete App: Pop up that says "The app has been deleted"

Friend: *Installs and tries the app*
"Dude! Did you even test your app before sending me?? Your buttons are broken as hell. None of them works. They all do things they're not supposed to do. How do you even call yourself a programmer? Sorry dude, nothing personal but this app sucks."

Me: *I need a new friend*
*sigh*

Friend : What happens after you get a girlfriend ?

Me :

Me: You know what my least favorite programming language is?
Friend: HTML?
Me: No that's not a programming language
Friend: ohh haha I forgot its like Pluto

I fucking love people like this.

Yesterday I met a 'friend' who I hadn't seen in a very long time. Just a guy I used to know tbh but let's call him Friend anyway. After a while in the conversation this happened...

*Friend doesn't know I have a degree in CS*

Friend: "WHAT?? YOU LIKE PROGRAMMING? NO WAY! ME TOO!"

Me: "THAT'S AWESOME! You've been programming for long?"

Friend: "A little over a year now. I know almost all languages now. C++, C#, Python, Java and HTML. Still a couple left to go. Once you're on the level I achieved programming becomes really, really easy. How long have you been programming?"

Me: "Almost a decade now"

Friend: "Damn dude you must know all languages by now I suppose?"

Me: "I've been mainly doing C++ so not really haha"

Friend: "I can always help when you're struggling with one language. C++ is pretty easy tbh. You should learn others too btw. HTML for example is pretty important because you can program websites with it"

Me: "Yeah... Thanks... So... What project are you working on right now?"

Friend: "I'm making a register page for my very own forum. The only problem I have is that PHP won't save the login details"

Me: "Hahaha I know the feeling. MySQL?"

Friend: "What?"

Me: "What do you use to save your data"

Friend: "Just a txt file. It's easier that way."

Me: "Hahaha true. Who needs safety right? *smiles*"

Friend: "Actually it's 100% safe because only I can see the txt file so other people can not hack other users."

Me: "Yes! That's great! Cya!"

Friend: "I'm working on a mmorpg too btw! I can learn you to make games if you want. Just call me. Here's my number"

Me: "Alright... Thanks... Bye!"

*Arrives at home*

*Deletes number*

I do not make this up.

I can understand that someone who isn't in the CS industry doesn't take it too seriously and gets hyped when their "Hello World" program works.
I'm fine with that.

The thing that really triggers me is big headed ass holes like this. Like how much more like a absolute dickhead could you possibly more act? Fucking hate people like that.

Friend: How much do you charge for a website?

Me: Depends, what do you need?

Friend: Just a basic website.

Me: I am going to need more details than that, is it static HTML site? Do you want to be able to add content yourself? Do you have hosting? Do you....

Friend: Dude, just give me a rough estimate.

Me: But...

Friend: It's for a friend, he has an idea for a business.

Me: ...fine...$100 million 👿

//Because making a website is just a push of a button to some people

(sensitive parts censored)

Friend: Hey, can you hack my (some website) account?
Me: Depends... What's your username?
Friend: (tells username)
Me: (clicks forgot password?)
Friend: I will give $10 if you do it. There is 2 factor authentication enabled.
Me: (silence) Ok.
Website: Please type the class number you were in in 4th grade.
Me: Hey, did you graduated BLAH elementary school?
Friend: Yeah.
Me: Ahh, I remember. You moved to BLAH elementary school in what grade?
Friend: 4
Me: Hmmm, I don't remember seeing you. What class were you in?
Friend: 5
Me: Well, I now remember. Stupid me. (smirks)
Friend: Haha. (continues to play games beside me)
Me: (Types in 8)
Website: We sent you a password to blah@example.com
Me: (uhh, heads to example.com and clicks forget password?)
Email: Please type the class number you were in in 4th grade.
Me: (wtf is this, types 8)
Email: Please type the teacher's name when you were in in 4th grade.
Me: What was the teacher's name?
Friend: Huh?
Me: When you were in 4th grade.
Friend: Ahh! John Smith.
Me: Ahh, he was strict, right?
Friend: Yeah (continues to play games again)
Me: (Types in John Smith)
Email: Set a new password.
Me: (Types "youaresostupid")
Email: Done!
Me: (copies PLAIN TEXT password from email, logs in to website)
Me: Da-da!
Friend: (gasps)
Me: Money plz~
Friend: Nope.
Me: (wtf, then remembers i changed his email password) Fine then.

=====================

1. There is 2 factor authentication enabled. : Got it?
2. The website sent plaintext password.
3. He is just pure idiot.
4. I didn't got the money.
5. I am now a h4x0r

I met one of my friend from my childhood he asked me what I do for a living.

I told him : "I am a full stack developer"

He : What does that mean? What you have to do in office?

Me: I write code for websites in very simple words.

He: Like facebook?

Me: yes, exactly.

He: So you work for windows?

Me: What makes you think that?

He: Aren't websites comes with the computer?

Me: I am so unfortunate to meet you.

Friend sees me learning React js.

Friend: "Why are you always studying? Your exams are over and you already have a job."

Me: "Because I don't know it and it looks interesting?"

Friend: "What a waste of time..."

I try to upskill myself and friend gives me shit.

He's the type of guy that would watch a 5min YouTube video on a topic and suddenly become an expert in it.

I believe that a day without new knowledge is a waste of a day.

Dont know if that's normal or I'm just weird. But I still stand by it.

Friend: Dude, css is so cool and amazing. I love it

Me: Erm ye, okay...

Friend: I think, im gonna make a css program to save data to database. That would make it even cooler!

Me: ye, okay. Wait what?! Hahahahaha

Friend: ??? Why u laughing

Friend: Hey, can you fix my laptop? The hard drive is almost full.

Me: (Looking through his folders) Maybe it's because of this. Why do you have 3000+ files in your downloads folder? Maybe I should delete some of this.

Friend: No no, please don't touch the downloads folder, I have some very important documents there.

Me: Why don't you move them to a separate folder then? You should organize the ones you actually need and delete the rest. This folder is a complete mess.

Friend: No no, the problem is not the downloads folder, there must be something else. Can't you just uninstall some programs to free up space?

Me: I could, but I don't know which ones you actually use.

Friend: What? You should know!! You studied computer science for this!!

Me: First of all, there is not a single class in the whole 4 years of university called "How to uninstall programs and free up space on 128GB hard drives of shitty €400 computers". Second of all, I don't know why you were expecting me to find a magic button on your laptop that immediately frees up all the space in a hard drive without actually deleting anything. That's not how computers work, you know.

Friend: Hey if you didn't want to help me you could have said so in the first place.

Me: FML

My friend: OMG OMG OMG My laptop is dead!
Me: What do you mean it's dead? It doesn't even turn on?
My friend: Nooo, it does nothing?
Me: Are you sure it's plugged in?
My friend: Yesss
Me: You sure?
My friend: Yess, it's actually plugged into a multiple socket thingy...
Me: And that thing is plugged in to the wall..?
My friend: Well duh!
Me: And did you turn the switch on?
My friend: Of course I....oh, wait!! Never mind!!!!!
Me: >:/

Me being a good collegue teaching my friend basic C++ for upcoming exam and trying my best not tore my friend apart.

Crime scene: university's library, today, 1PM.

Me: Create a new class, just type 'class' and hit TAB
Him: I'm trying to but it pastes some code
Me: That's the point of hitting TAB.. now that we are finished, include it in your main file, the one with main entry point
Him: I have no such thing
Me: Look for main function
Him: There's none, what is it called?
Me: ...main
Him: Yeah, what is it called?
Me: ..main, the name is main
Him: I get it, but what is it called?
Me: 'MAIN' FOR GODS SAKE, THE NAME IS 'MAIN' *points towards my code*..
Him: Oh, okay, I get it now
Me: Ok, let's compile
*Error pops on his screen*
Him: You know what, I don't think you can really program.. *closes laptop and walks away*.

FML

Long time no see Friend:- "hey dude what do you do for a living"

Me:- "I suffer in silence"

Ltnsf:- " but what exactly do you do"

Me:-"I stare at a rectangular space hoping to find enlightenment"

Teaching a friend C:

"Thanks for giving me all the... ahem. Pointers."

Waits 2 Minutes

"But like seriously what is a pointer again?"

girl friend: What kind of stripper would you want for a Bachelorette party?!?

me: no stripper...

girl friend: like a coding stripper?

me: what?

girl friend: he'd come out and be like, one zero one one zero one...

me: I love that you think I code in binary hahaha

girl friend: like the matrix!

me:
*pauses*
*contemplates explaining what binary is*
yes, like the matrix

:D

Me : You should try this app, its great!
Friend: What is about?
Me : A place where programmers and developers tell jokes and complain to each other
Friend : But you can do that i real life too
Me : But now you don't have to leave your computer to do that

Friend(non dev): Hey. Do you know how much it costs to maintain an app?

Me : Well that depends. What are you planning to do?

Friend: Something like Trivago. But small.

Me: That still doesn't tell me anything

Friend: Come on. Just give a number. How hard can it be?

Me: 42. *facepalm*

Friend: See wasn't that hard. Was it?

Me: *thinking* Don't correct him. Just let him be.

Friend: what do you do for living?

Me: I am a developer, software engineer.

Friend: Lucky you! you have a comfortable work, always in your desk.

Me inside: *he doesn't have a clue about developer​s struggling* *dying inside*

im a programmer.

Moms : Son, please fix my phone
Me : what the...
Moms : Cmon ur the IT guy right?

Dad : My laptop must be broken, can u fix it ?
Me : i can't..
Dad : ur degree is useless
Me : ....

Friend : hi, ur the IT guy right ? can u help me ?
Me : Sure ...
Friend : please hack my BF facebook account..
Me : *face Palm.

I need to hide myself, my computer, programming skills and computer knowledge from people. Then only, I will be safe..

Friend: Heeey, you're good with computers right?

Me: No! 😑

Friend: Come-on bro. I know you are.

Me: What do you want?

Friend: I want you to check and book flights for me for country X.

Me: Are you ok? How does this have anything to do with someone being good with computers and stuff?

Friend: Haha, see? You're good with computers. *starts laughing. Anyway, since you're good, you can find the best prices. I know you know how to search sites and how to find things online.

Me: WTF?!?!!! All, you have to do is type in your search. If you don't like the results, you simply refine it.

Friend: See, all this tech stuff I'm not really good at it.

Me: But you're good at searching for other things online, right? Do the same for your flights.

*Picks my laptop and walks away.
How can a young man not be able to search for flights online but knows how to use several gadgets. Nonsense.

Me 3 years ago watching someone use git on terminal: woaah is he a hacker???

Me now: *types git status, press enter* *repeat 3 times*
Non Programmer friend: cool! are you hacking?
Me: Nope. Just forgot what I was trying to do

I'm still remembering that one time a friend of mine asked me to pass him the WiFi-cable.

I know, that sounds like a cliche, but it's getting better...

We are both information and communication engineering students...

I told him to think about what he just said and after some seconds of thinking he responded with "Oh yea, I forgot that my laptop doesn't have a WiFi Jack..."

He's passing most exams with distinction btw...

Me (to friend): So all your information these days is stored in the cloud.

Friend: Yeah I know that's crazy, huh!?

Me: Yeah!

Friend: I wonder if there's any disruption of the data when planes fly through.

Me: What do you mean?

Friend: Like when a cloud breaks when a plane move through it since we store our data in the precipitation layer. Nikola Tesla would be so proud.

Me: Uh... The fuck?

Me (thinking to myself): maybe he's just joking...

Always makes me laugh that if you don’t have a Mac you clearly aren’t a proper web developer to most people 😂 (I used to use Mac but switched)

Me: *Pulls out my windows laptop to do some web development work*

Friend: How can you use that to develop with, you’re supposed to use a Mac everyone knows that. What do you even code in?

Me: I write everything in word and then transfer it to a Mac to test as obviously the internet only works on Mac.

Friend: oh right .. that makes sense, probably easier just to buy a Mac though isn’t it?

Me: ....

Time to get a new friend 😩

I told a friend of who i knew for about 8-9 years that i like her more than friends and may be attracted to her or have a crush on her (i have always just discarded people or decided that i dont need many in my life so in telling her, i already assumed a negative reaction and a lost friend so i would be happy with any answer). Turns out, she has had a crush on me for years and i am so confused on what to do because i knew her such a long time..

On the plus side, it was bothering me and telling her made me at ease and so productive at work and got so much done :D - its been an okay week if i must say so myself

Friend: Do you think you could make an app that does X?

Me: Yes but I'm not an app developer so haven't had much experience with app design so might take a while

Also friend: What sort of programmer are you? It's basic shit

My friends don't seem to understand that the programming loop for game development (Mostly background asset management) and app development is like trying to ask why a bull and a bull frog won't breed...Yes they both have bull in the name but they are 2 fucking different cunting things...

So I was browsing devrant and a friend asked what all languages do I know? I said, python, c, c++
He looked at me like 😐
Took me a moment to realise he was asking languages not programming languages 😅

Windows tells me to „contact the network administrator“.
I yell at the machine: „I AM THE ADMINISTRATOR!!!1!“

Why is Microsoft doing this? Instead of telling me what exactly went wrong, the come up with messages like
“Something happened”
“This is not possible”
“Error 0x2342133723”
“Do you want to ask a Friend?”

I really hope the authors of those error messages will burn in hell for that!

What is a friend?

I'm gonna be honest with you guys.

I need a friend. A real friend. And I'm looking for one (or many) among you.

Is any of you interested in being my friend?

I know, it sounds weird. My inner self bully is bringing to mind many adjectives for saying that: faggot, weak, snowflake, gay, pussy, clingy, demanding.

I know. But I'm at the edge of 30 and I think it's better if I cut the shit and just be very clear about the type of friend I'm looking for.

I need people that will be there when the shit gets tough.

I can joke with you,
I can laugh my ass off with you,
I can passionately argue about what's the better programming language.

But most importantly, I can be there when you're depressed, when you want to punch your boss in the face, when you're griefing a loved one that is gone.

And that exactly what I'm looking in a friend.

I used to have friends in life, but a variety of circumstances caused some distance: commitments, personality changes, physical distance, or just a feeling that they don't give two shits about me.

Am I the perfect friend? Not at all. I have a temper and am quite opinionated about my tools, but most of the times I try to be a not-asshole.

I might get angry and be very honest when I don't like something, but it would be very weird for me to turn my back on a friend.

It is impossible for someone to be friends with and to like everyone. But the least I can do is just give anyone a chance.

I think friendships are just things that take time and grow if there is enough care put into them.

Here's my discord chirptune#1829, so if you add me, please let me know your username here.

I think it'd be cool to have like a brotherhood on discord or slack of people looking out for each other (jesus christ, that sounds corny as fuck)

Not to rob people from devrant, I just think that the board style can't fulfill deeper social needs imo, that's all.

friend: so how are we gonna do this project together? download, edit then upload to google drive again. thats the fastest way.

me: how about git?

friend: what?

me: ill just create a repository and create branches before we merge it with master. no need to go through that process of downloading and uploading multiple times

friend: not sure... what... that.. is.....

me: oh we have a looooong way to go, ill guess ill have to teach u git right from the beginning

!rant

*Just got a package delivered, didn't check yet*
Friend: who sends you stuff from from the USA?
I (excited as fuck): uh it must be my
DevRant
Duck
Delivery.
Friend: your what?
I explain, he walks away not giving a fuck.

But I don't care what he thinks, i love my new devDucks. Oh and special thanks to @dfox for the autograph. Well technically you just signed the customs declaration, but an autograph none the less.

Friend: i need to do a game for my final project, can you help me out?
Me: sure, what language?
Friend: english
Me: ...

This is why my bro is my bro.

I'm in shit with money and rent, so my mate gave me £10 for food and offered me a desktop (I had to sell my laptop) so I can make a bit more money doing software development.

Humanity may be an overall pile of steaming dog cum, but there are some great people in the world

A friend showed me his concept of what he thinks would be a fun design for a devrant t-shirt

Trying to explain my job to friend who don't know computers.

Friend: So what do you do?
Me: Well they call me a "DevOps Engineer", but really I am just a Release or Automation Engineer.
Friend: What is that?
Me: Well I assist developers build and deploy their code as well as write code to automated the whole process and build the virtual servers.
Friend: So you like program?
Me: Kinda...
Friend: Dude can you write an app for me, got some ideas!
Me: (blinks) no.

That moment when a friend brags about how a family member works at google (he trying to be cool and all the other guys being amazed) and when you ask what actually does at google you find out he's a janitor.

Friend: what do you want to be in future?

Me: A programmer. It sounds fun.

15 years later...

!rant

My girlfriend sat on my lap the other day when I was helping a friend of mine with some assembly code. She look at the code an said

What are you doing?

I explained the code and said that is the lowest you can get before machine code. She didn't run away in fear....

This is a great sign...

Was working on a style.css file in school. One of my friend approached me and said what is that?
I said, CSS!

*silence*

Custom Sexy Styles?

*facepalm*

Friend: I don’t need git. Git is for people like you who cant do good backup of their code
Me: Yeah, yeah, go do whatever you like...

2h later comes to me:

Friend: Can you make me repo and show how to use it...?
Me: What..? You drunk?
Friend: Naaah, no... My disk broke while ago...

Karma is a bitch :D

Im one of the people who got laid off due to covid19. I was hoping to find work at the same salary my previous job paid me at the very least. A friend of mine pointed out the fact that since i've been in the industry a while that I could ask for a lot more than what I made. I didn't believe him, but since my wife agreed, I've been asking for double my previous salary. I actually got a job that met my ask. I'm glad to say that after being afraid I was getting in over my head, I can actually do this. Glad my friend told me my worth and I hope others have friends that can do the same for them.

So last year in highschool, everybody had to make a website project with stores and stuff. Everybody was in groups and you could plan your time on you own, working in class or at home.

So my friend spent hours at home designing his website for his group, and to be honest, it looked amazing.
There was only one problem, all files were located on a server which was accessible by all groups without the teacher even being able to know who had accessed which file.

There was this one group which just spent their time in class playing stupid browser games, 3 people in a group, one of them looking at kpop and puppy's for what seemed like to be hours at a time.

Well to get to the point, about 1-2 days before deadline, they noticed they hadn't done shit.
SO THOSE FUCKING BASTARDS JUST COPIED ALL THE FUCKING CODE MY FRIEND HAD MADE.

AT PRESENTATION TIME THEIR "PROJECT" CAME UP FIRST AND MY FRIEND WAS TO ME LIKE "OH NO THOSE FUCKERS DIDN'T JUST COPY MY WHOLE WEBSITE".
ANYWAYS, THEY CLAIMED MY FRIEND HAD COPIED THEM AND GOT AWAY WITH IT!!! (They got an A on the Project, my friend got a C because the teacher thought he copy pasted the design.)

I spoke to diz dude who copied the code, we knew who it was, because the others in the group probably dont even know what the copy and paste keys were.

He laughed at me and said, "C'mon, it's not a big deal.."

IF YOU ARE TOO INCOMPETENT TO WRITE A SINGLE CODE OF LINE, THEN DONT FUCKING STEAL SHIT FROM OTHERS WHO PUT IN HOURS OF WORK, AND MESS UP THEIR GRADE. TAKE YOUR FUCKING F AND LEAVE THE CLASS!!!

*Friend after a date*
Friend : Bro what according to you is a perfect date?

Me :DD/MM/YYYY....
Everything else is just confusing.

Friend:😒

Friend : What about a place where you can share images ?
Me : Instagram !
Friend : chatting ?
Me : whatsapp, messenger, etc
Friend : file sharing
Me : Dropbox
Friend : sharing videos ?
Me : youtube
Friend : mail with all above features
Me : google
Friend : I hate my life

Had this conversation with a friend a while ago (not dev related). He convinced me to start working on a design! (detail: he doesn't know me well, know him through a best friend but I consider him a friend)

Friend: *shows new tattoo* what ya think?
Me: awesome man! I still idk maybe want a tattoo too...
Friend: ohhh! What of?
Me: uhm well... my favourite music genre... uhm...
Friend: what's up with your doubts?
Me: well.... everyone always tells me not to tattoo anything relating to music because musical taste cab change easily...
Friend: may I guess the genre?
Me: yeah sure :)
Friend: hardstyle, maybe raw hardstyle/rawstyle?
Me: yup!
Friend: well why wouldn't you get a tattoo of it?!
Me: well, I mean what if my taste changes?
Friend: dude. do you have the slightest clue how fucking happy/energetic you look when you hear that music?! It'd be hard to imagine you losing your love for that genre! And if then, then what? That genre has gotten you through the darkest places, most difficult times and has pretty much made you into the person you are right now, even if you'd change factories genres, it'd be a reminder of how you beat getting bullied and became the person you are now!
Me: yeah.... but everyone keeps telling me that its not a good ide..'
Friend: fuck them. You love this music to the fucking point, you told me earlier that you'd like to start producing it!
Fuck those people. If you'd like it, go get that fucking tattoo!

I love that guy!

Anyone into electronic music production here? I could use some tips 😅

Story from my friend who I drank a beer with yesterday:

His manager has balls bigger than elefants.. Hiring a group of anarcho kinda pentest / hacker fucks from a freelance portal from Serbia... Who found quite some shit in their internal systems.

You should think twice about paying them late and especially paying them only half the amount. Even though "they wouldn't sue them anyway".

Sure, they won't.

But take a smart guess what they did.

Fuckin idiot manager.

So making a website for my best friend who soon to be my girlfriend.. I sort of had this idea where I'm going to ask her out and the links are the letters that I wrote to her when we first met. Cheesy I know but give me your thoughts and opinion. #noobwork. About it. Or what should I add or take away.. kinda nervous.

Friend ask me,
Friend: are all developers single?
Me: of course not
Friend: you sure?
Me: yep
Friend: then why you single?
Me: because i am a developer
Friend: what?
Me: nah im just joking, when i find the girl that can understand my code i know she's the one.
Friend: I hope theres someone that can understand that.

Friend - Could you develop a Website for me ?
Me - What exactly for?
Friend - (Explains what he wants) and the name of the site should be eventsomethingmanagement.com
Me - oh for that you'd have to buy the domain name, and host your site there
Friend - I thought you'd do all of that
Me - Seriously? NO
Friend - I thought you were an engineer
Me - :|

My first rant, so pls don't blame me?. 🙈. No just kidding, but now the Story. A friend told me that he want to start hacking. But I know that he can't prog or use a PC. But I asked: "Can u program?" He: Yeah, of course!?". *Me wondering as fuck* Me: Where do u learned that?" He: "Watched YouTube Videos!" Me: "OK?, and what language du u want to use, and IDE?" He answered: "Language Arduino, and IDE what is that?". *Me facepalming and asking myself what dafuq was he watching and why is he trying to do things like that*

::python coding::

Friend: "so I have to press tab when I want to code inside a function, right?"

Me (Busy): "yea yea, whenever you enter a new scope. Indentation is important in python..."

Friend: "what's a scope?"

#$ cowsay "dafaq"

Me: "bruh, what you doin in Computer Engineering?"

You know how it is when all your friends know you as the "computer guy".

Friend: Yo, I need this small script for school, can you do it for me?

Me: I don't really...

Friend: Come on, pretty please.

Me: See I...

Friend: I'll pay you good for this.

Me: Oh... What language does it have to be in, Python? JavaScript? Ruby? Perl? I don't know it but it shouldn't be too hard, I can learn it. Bash? Not a fan but it's quite easy. So what is it?

...

Friend: Visual Basic

Me: oh...

This was last week. 2017. A couple of days before 2018. Some schools still teach VB. Not even VB .NET.

(He had about 200 good reasons so I did it anyway. But boy, has that been a chore)

Hi I am new here!
My friend told me that devRant has a great community, he told me to post here and see what happens...

My friend asks me, and what did you get for christmas?
me: I've gotten SO MUCH FUCKING MONEY that I bought a second 3D Printer...
and you?
My Friend: 5 Bucks... I spent them immediatly! 3 Bucks for a chair and 2 for a Rope!

We were laughing our asses of 5 minutes strait...

Interviewer: One last thing, hope you are not married.

She: No, but how is that relevant?

Interviewer: Well because this job involves a lot of traveling you see...

She: Makes sense Sir. Also, I have a lawyer friend, in case you need any help...

Interviewer: What help?

She: Help with filing for your divorce Sir, as this job involves a lot of traveling...

> Last year of study
> I see a new face
> Maybe new friend?
> He asked me what am I doing in live
> Front-end my friend :)
> So you are not real programmer :O
> Wtf with these people
> Should I kill him?

So my friend started this job as a junior software developer at minimum wage and sent me this. You should've figured out what 'ben' means.

Friend: "if it's a CLOUD server... What happens to all that data when it rains? I don't think that's too secure.🤔"

Me:"..."

"..."

"I can't"

Had a friend who was forced to document his own code. He gave up after an hour of trying to figure out what methods 'somethingsomething()' and 'somethingsomething2()' did...

Once a friend came to me asking for help building an app, I asked him what his idea was and he said, "It's an app that builds apps! Think about it, people could just tell it what kind of app they want and it could build anything for them automatically! Can you believe no one has done this?"

Me : For the last time, I am not a window cleaner!
Old Friend : Oh, so what do you do ?
Me: I work at IT.
Old Friend : With computers and stuff ?
Me : YES.
Old Friend : Woah like with apple computers ?
Me : Nah, I work with Windows.

Pun intended.

CEO - So... We'll have a new side project, it's a small thing, I spoke with a guy, he needs just a small thing...
Me - Ok....... So, what do you need me for?
CEO - Not much, this guy started a project but wants your help on a small part, and you already did something similar for us, so it should be fast, just copy and paste and change a little bit. You probably know better than me.
Me - *Sigh* ... So `friend`, what do you need from me?
Friend - So, I made a crawler that is storing some information on a local file, I just need to add multiprocessing and multithreading, a producer-consumer system with a queue so I can automatically add new links every now and then, a failback system, so when a process doesn't finish, it should be re-queued and crawled later, store all the information on a database cluster (that is not set up), [......]
Me - And when is this supposed to be up and running?
Friend - Your CEO told me you could do this by the weekend. Can we finish this by Friday?
Me - *facepalm* FML

best friend works at a gym, and he always remind me to exercise.

him: bro when was the last time you workout?
me: every fucking day.
him: what?
me: I am a programmer bro, everyday is brain day.

Did anyone feel like IT is the thing in college not a lot of people really cared about?

Friend 1: "im going for chem engineering"

Everyone: *applaudes*

Friend 2: "im going for medicine"

Everyone: *applaudes*

Me: "im going for IT!"

Everyone: "uh, what about you Friend 4? What did you take?"

...

And i dont just mean it socially, the university doesnt pay much attention to us until they need something fixed or needs us to make something more convinient for them.

I have a friend in college who had made a GitHub a few years ago, and populated it pretty well. Turns out he never actually looked through what he added to his commits. Every repo had a copy of his GitHub login in plaintext.

Friend: hey can you make me a website?

Me: sure, what is it for?

Friend: 'whatever the site is for'

Me: Ok, what are the different tabs you want for the navigation bar?

Friend: Ummm... Idk yet

Me: Ok... So do you have an idea what you want the website to look like?

Friend: Ummm just make it look pretty

Me:

A long time ago I went to my first web developer interview intending to bluff my way in. A friend working there told me that they used (the infamous) Dreamweaver. So, in the interview, when they asked me what did I used to develop, with all the confidence I could gather I said: "Windriver".
Got the job 'cause the dude (interviewer) knew less than me.

I learned a valuable lesson today about the life of a manager. I’m not a manager, but I am a senior level dev.

Today I was told there wasn’t room on the new team for 1 person, and I had pick that last team member. I had to choose between a friend who really isn’t cut out to be a dev and a non friend who is a better dev.

I talked through my reasoning and ultimately chose to put the friends job in jeopardy. They told me that I had solid leadership traits for being able to separate my emotions from my decision making. But I felt like a piece of shit.

I cried back at my desk. The friend doesn’t know yet and I can’t tell them. Is this what execs feel when they have to let people go?

-Friend of mine telling me this nugget-

At my previous job, we were porting a UNIX system to Windows NT using Microsoft VC++. A colleague of mine, that was in the process of porting his portion of the code, came to me, looking really upset.

Colleague: "Hey! I hate these Microsoft guys! What a rotten compiler! It only accepts 16,384 local variables in a function!"

I stopped telling people what I do for a living because everyone or their friend needs a website.

Worst of 2020?

Well, I've learnt never to do free / voluntary work.

Been spending many weekends helping out a former friend, mostlyby creating APIs, sites, managing servers & scripting.

Now that I have a girlfriend, my weekends are spent mostly with her.

He got really mad, said he doesn't want to waste time.

Then went to *pay* someone else to continue what I've been doing...

This is a conversation my friend and I had.

Me: let me just delete this file
*rm -rf filename*

Frnd: what does the rf do?

Me: Don't know man I just do it coz the memes tell me to.

Back at highschool me and a friend were transferring movies from one USB to another, and my friend left some movies on the computer.

IT guys walks in and confronts us about the movies, where we thought we'd get in trouble, guess what he says next...

Hey guys I see you have some movies, well if you want you can copy some of the movies from my collection! LOL

Talked to long time friend a while back.
I think he freelances now and does some kind of web design stuff.

He said, he hates java, and I asked what he hates about it:

" Those stupid variable types, I only use VAR in PHP to get around that stupid stuff. And what is this Oop anyway?".

😵 Dude? The fuck?

a friend asks...

Friend: Hey I have this website and I'm having a problem, can you help me?
Me: surre what is it?
Friend: So I have this WordPress plugin..
Me (interrupts): Sorry I can't help you, your site is doomed

My friend told me stories about his colleague who's always against him.

One time, during their management meeting, that colleague suggested that they should have a suggestion box in the office.

So my friend proposed that they use Google forms. He presented how Google forms work and the majority got really impressed(except the colleague).

Naturally the colleague is against him, he said "this is not what I had in mind". He wanted to have an actual box and people write suggestions on paper and drop it in(suggesting the ancient way).

Every meeting, the colleague complains a lot, and my friend provides techy and convenient solutions.

This rant goes to my best friend.

Fuck you!

You do not fucking argue with people for doing what they like! So what if I want to use linux? What fucking problem does that make? Am I now a hacker fanboy for wanting to use a terminal instead of fucking pointing and clicking on shit like a monkey? Am I not allowed to want my privacy and free open-source? What? I shouldn't browse internet without getting my personal info stolen? Oh, they're tracking criminals? Then why don't you install a camera in your fucking living room so you can help them out? And don't fucking get me started on why I don't want to use Windows 10.

Fuck fucking fuck fuck. I know he's a good friend but this fucking shit gets my blood boiling.

I told a Friend I haven't spoken to in a while that I was a programmer. He said "what does that mean? So you choose the programmes we get too see on the TV?" with complete seriousness.

I was working with this "friend" in a supposedly "partnership" way. He was handling the customer getting all the info for the product and doing all the communication.

fRiEnD: So I talked with the customer, the website will be delivered on 10th of June.

Me: yOu &%@!ing WhAt?!

*he didn't ask before if it would have been possible

There are 2 node js apps floating around the city...built by me for intranet apps used in a logistics company.

I legit asked a friend if it has been replaced and he said no, that they keep on running like a fucking beast causing no issues whatsoever.

Fascinating. I was legit expecting it to crash a while ago.

Guess mern stacks do scale if you know what you is doing.

Write your unit tests people.

Beginning Open Beta testing for a chatbot in a thursday

Friend: What the fuck are these inputs?

Me: just filter them out

Friend: Good fucking lord I was right to disable unsupervised learning

Me:Now you know

When you and your colleagues fight over code intending whether it should be a tab or ''x'' spaces.
My reply: It doesn't matter what you use!! It's like eating with either a fork or spoon, as long as you eat, dammit!!
My friend:

Feels like I found value of "NAN"
i.e, finding non-ranter dev @ devrant!
"Write no rant
Comment no rant
++(view) all rant "
@Ghored
I guess he should be given a badge or something!
Never able to achieve that stage of satisfaction,
Bsod in windows,
Grub rescue for Linux,
Gradle build problem for android,
404 errors,
What not ?
Yet I really feel like today , I met a ironical legend of dev community!
A full bow to you my friend

!dev - cybersecurity related.

This is a semi hypothetical situation. I walked into this ad today and I know I'd have a conversation like this about this ad but I didn't this time, I had convo's like this, though.

*le me walking through the city centre with a friend*
*advertisement about a hearing aid which can be updated through remote connection (satellite according to the ad) pops up on screen*

Friend: Ohh that looks usefu.....
Me: Oh damn, what protocol would that use?
Does it use an encrypted connection?
How'd the receiving end parse the incoming data?
What kinda authentication might the receiving end use?
Friend: wha..........
Me: What system would the hearing aid have?
Would it be easy to gain RCE (Remote Code Execution) to that system through the satellite connection and is this managed centrally?
Could you do mitm's maybe?
What data encoding would the transmissions/applications use?
Friend: nevermind.... ._________.

Cybersecurity mindset much...!

I am angry. Do you know why? It's a rhetorical question, because you don't know why I am angry, which is why I'm going to tell you why I'm so. I Followed my friend, " Jane Doe" ( you don't need to know her actual name) to this store in my town. Then these 14-15 years old girls came up to me, and started asking me about my braces. "Where'd you get it?
" How much did it cost ?"
I get these questions like almost every single, and it's annoying. 😒
This one question got me angry. "What 'if' her braces are fake?" A girl said whispering to her friend.
Fake??? My braces are realer than you could ever be, jealous bitch. I said that in my mind, I don't have the guts to say it out loud, besides these girls look like they could tear me to pieces, and I wanted no conflict. I walked away as soon as my friend got her stuffs from the store.
My friend couldn't help but to tease me that I'm a doormat. I guess she's right. 🤔☹😤😟😖

Hello devs, me and a friend want to do a little experiment. We want to install some kinda tracking software on his android phone to monitor everything he does for a few weeks to see what data/metadata his phone sends to what servers etc. Problem, we can't seem to find an app (free) which does this... Any recommendations?

Scenario 1
Friend 1:"Hey, you're good at computers right?"
Me:"Erm yup."
Friend 1:"Can you hack Instagram? I've lost my password."
Me:"Oh My God."

Scenario 2
Me looking at a friend's unity C# code
Me:"You know there's an enter key right? Why is your code horizontal not vertical?"
(Means that after a semi-colon he continues his code)
Friend 2:"I like to read my code in horizontal, that feels natural to me"
Me:"What ever, as long as it works. But why do you have so many if function inside another if function?"
Friend 2:"Cuz I want the player to do this while moving"
Me:".........."

So a friend says @trogus has a similar with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, what do you think?

Credits: Hexical Labs WebSite

So I went with a friend to a printing company today and asked this gem: "so , will you print the white too?"

Before he answered I realized my momentary retardness and said: "wtf, what a stupid question."

I think I need some rest 😂😂

I feel lonely on my way back to home. I am a bit depressed while listening to the song "Alone" by Alan Walker. Because I code alone all day and I am single. There is a shop in my neighbourhood. It has its light turned on this night, perhaps just to increase its exposure. But, there is something so shiny that caught my attention. It is a smiling duck. I don't know what the duck is doing right there. I havent seen it before. But the shop is closed now.
At this moment, I realize it could be my friend when I don't have a friend.

A friend of mine who works in tech support at a college gets this call. The guy on the other end (a college professor) asks how to open an application on his computer.

Tech Support: "There should be an icon on your desktop."

He then hears this strange rustling noise over the phone.....
Tech Support: "What are you doing?"

Professor: "You said to look on my desktop."

Tech Support: "Ummm, hang on. I'll be there in a few minutes."

I recently recognized voting buttons are (++) and (--), then shared my friend near me but he didn't get anything. I explained what do they mean.

Thanks devRant, a lawyer started to learn programming 😁

Friend: "Do you know how to disarm a bomb?"
Me: "Like what, a Note 7?"

My friend didn't know what a gif was. When he wanted to add one to his PowerPoint, he went to Google images and searched "short movies"

What??
What the hell Yahoo?
Yahoo considering Ads a key feature for the peroformance of the mail box !

And who the hell is still using Yahoo anyway !

(Sent by friend)

My friend is a 1st time programmer. When we learned about tabs vs spaces in our mandatory beginners c++ class, the friend said "what, you can use spaces?" and I said "yes, of course, like this!" and demonstrated it. The friends reply, without knowing about the controversy, made my day:

*silence*
"well, thats dumb"

*My friend was piling up her food in a bbq place*

Me: What are you doing?
Her: I'm trying to beat my old stacking record.
Me: Be careful not to get a stack overflow!

. . .I'll see myself out.

Approximately 15 years ago, at school, I had one friend that learned to code in Delphi. One day he came to me and said:
Dude! I made a program that creates a 2GB file!!! (15 years ago 2GB were a lot of memory)
- What is in this file? - I asked.
- Nothing! It's just 2GB!!!
- It's fucking AWESOME!!!

Me: there it is, app is complete and work correctly
Friend: What is this 5 warnings?
Me: It's nothing just ignore them
Friend: If you are a true developer fix these warnings
Me: (after 5 hours) compile..... 14 Error, 😡 fuck you I want my warnings back

Being a programmer for a while now it always irritates me to try to explain what I'm working on to friends and family. I forget what I knew before I developed. I'm always like "I made the strings in the database- oh I mean the words...well they're actually more like strings of letters- well anyway I made a code to sanitize the user input- I mean make it so it is secure before uhhh saving." I spend so much time watering what I'm saying down I forget what I'm talking about

It's not even funny. It'd be funny if one single person in my family or friend group understood what I meant to some degree.

Freak yeah!!! Just installed my first SSL Certificate on my Ubuntu Server!!!!! 🤘🏾🤘🏾🤘🏾🤘🏾🤘🏾 First time I had my IT friend do it. I thought about contacting him again, but then thought, what the hell, let's give 'er a shot. 2 days and a whole lot of anger and frustration later https:// is a green light!!! 😝😝😝😝😝😝😝

*At a dorm gathering*

Me: I think I’m gonna head back to my room, I don’t know what to do here

Friend: Come on, meet people! Socialize!

Me: *sighs* Fine

You know you’re a nerd when...

hey buddy mate pal friend bro nacho

IF YOU FINISH A TASK NOT ASSIGNED TO YOU THEN FUCKING ASSIGN IT TO YOURSELF SO WE DONT WAIT FOR SOMEONE TO DO WHAT YOUVE ALREADY DONE

Oh god, I was like 13 and just found out about RPG Maker 2000. I got a pirated copy from a friend because ive got no internet at that time. I remember, my first project was with a friend of mine and dayum, we were so dumb and unknowing.

Once we wanted to implement a counter of how many fights a player had.
The problem was, we only knew about switches (boolean variables) and so we started to implement boolean variables like these:

hadOneFight
hadTwoFights
hadThreeFight
and so on, as something like a counter.
We took this to 50 before I asked my friend if this is the right way of doing this.

He answered: "thats probably the reason, why games are so big nowadays" (he just installed morrowind at home...)

Then at one day, I reached the point I didnt knew what I should do next in this project, so I looked around at all the other functions we never even tried and I found something called "variables".
Those where the "real" variables like string and int and wow, suddenly the possibilities where endless. I told him about variables at telephone and what we could do now, but that just got him somehow frustrated so he told me, that he wants to leave this programming thing

Friend found a crappy netbook and asked me to set it up... With Windows 10... I'd normally tell him to boil his head, but he's a good friend.

So I told him Lubuntu or similar would be a lot better because it's got 1GB DDR2 and a Celeron. Nope, adamant on Windows.

I give in, get him a license key and install it. As I expected, it ran like shit. I showed him, he gave in and said I can install Linux.

Went for Lubuntu, he hates it and doesn't want it.

He called a pawn shop and asked how much it'd be. They said it needs Windows (?!?).

Guess what he's just asked me. Gormless twat.

A friend sent me this saying that this has windows on it, I put it in my computer to show him that it doesn't work
Now my PC doesn't power on
I mean WTF
WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW

Hired a friend who is kindoff a spoiled brat. If me or the rest of the team tell him anything he answers with the team does not know enough to tell him what to do. The slightest words (why is it not done yer etc. seem to trigger his ego and threaten to resign). His skills are also not what i thought they were , they get the job done but thats pretty much it. Should i work to placate his ego or let him resign.

I see a lot of people with shitty interactions with recruiters, but I have the chance to work with one to get into what I want to do (net ops incident response) if I call this recruiter.

Backstory: friend applied for a position, got offered this morning (not going through a recruiter) AS recruiter called him for another position within same company. Friend explained situation, but said someone (me) might call recruiter to talk.

Job would increase salary by minimum of 25% and is much closer to what I want to do. Even if I'm still on call, it's a larger team and I'm interested in the stuff.

How do I not get screwed by recruiter? And am I am ass for applying when I know it's < 1 year and I'd be leaving my team down 2 people (so at half capacity)? And do I care?

I friend of mine was looking for an internship. I asked him what he wanted to do, he said frontend. I said do you know JavaScript. He said that's a long name I like to just call it Java.

Trying to teach a friend Rails

Friend: what is a migration

Me: file that alters the database etc.

Friend: what is a migration

My non-programmer friend (a mechanical engineer) has better pay doing what she loves.

I have lower pay, clocking more hours, and stress, doing a subject that I don't like.

Should I change profession?
: /

Well, everytime I build a pc for a friend I'll always end up telling myself "this is the last time". Not bc I have a problem with building pc's, I love it, but its the "free of charge" 24/7 IT-support my non techy (techii?) friends expects from me after the build is done I hate.

So here's the deal.
A week ago I built a brand new pc for a friend, as usual (bc he's a good friend) I told him that my "fee" would be a couple of beers and the train ticket up. So I got there, built the pc and we hooked it up to his monitor. About 5sec in to windows the screen went black. My friend started to panic, and I started to check if all the components and cables were hooked up right (tho I've done this a couple of times, shit can happen) but found nothing was wrong.
I had to take the train home, cause it got late AF and I live in another city, but I told him to try another cable. Felt bad AF for not being able to help him.
Flash forward 2 days, my friend started messaging me late in the evening, complaining about how he had tried everything and ultimately had to leave the pc at an (as he called it) "proffesional" who charged him 100$.
I felt even guiltier about that one, asked him if he tried to change the hdmi, but he said that's in The hands of this guy now.
Two days later this PC God gave him an answer.
Guess What he told him?
CHANGE THE ***** HDMI CABLE.
Well, shit..
Afterwards he wanted help installing drivers over fb-messenger.
I love my friends, but man why do I do this to myself.

Friend: i have an idea
Me: what is it?
Friend: uber is not yet here, lets do the app exactly like uber only for the city, can you do that like in one month?
Me: uber is a billion dollar company with several and the best engineers in the world
Friend: so what, just copy the exact same idea, of course the money comes when the app is done
Me: sure... ill call you in a month. (delete conversation)

Friend learning typescript: JavaScript is easy, you do exactly opposite of what you did in java. Typescript is a half baked mess.

Breaking news!
An anomaly in human communications was discovered!! It appears that when a person asks a tech oriented friend "can you help me with my computer?" And receives a positive response, what he actually hears is "yes, I agree to be your slave for any technical issue you have from now and until the end of time"!
Scientists are investigating...

Surprisingly frequently in my city, a few weeks ago for example I was in the pub discussing reactjs with a friend of mine from uni and a random bloke cut in with "there was nothing wrong with jquery" (he had a massive grin on his face, so he knew what he said). Spent the rest of the night talking with him and his son who were both consultant developers.

Fun night 🤣

Not myself but friend of mine. Early 2000s working at a large university. Top notch office PCs for the time, best internet connection in the country.

He discovers this "Bittorrent" program. Meh, just another file sharing thing... but who cares, it's 2003-ish so everyone downloads shit from the internet.

Installs it on his office PC, because its university so no one cares.

Friday afternoon, he starts download of his favourite music album (some hard to get live version or something), then goes off into the weekend, computer is left running as always.

Download is finished after an hour or so, then his Bittorrent client starts seeding. Lots of people want this album. Bittorrent adapts to bandwith and when your connection is good you get upvoted in the network and everyone is connecting to you.

Monday comes, my friend arrives back at his desk, bit late because he slept in and its university so no one cares.

Suddenly realises many missed calls on his desk phone. Calls back, it's from the IT department.

Friend: "You have called me? What can I do for you?"
IT Guy (screaming): "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??? YOUR PC IS CAUSING 50% OF THE UNIVERSITY'S INTERNET TRAFFIC.!!!!"
Friend: "Whops."
IT Guy (hysterical): "WHATEVER YOU ARE RUNNING STOP IT NOW!!!!"

Friend: *stops Bittorrend client, enjoys his favourite album*

Lucky him, it's a university, so in the end no one cared.

"I want to be irresistible to women" wished the man to the genie.
The genie snaps his fingers and the man turns into a box of chocolates.

And that, my friend, explains the difference between a programmer's intention and what he writes in his program.

Friend: what do you do?
Me: I'm a programmer
Friend: could you fix my computer ?
Me: Kill Me(Thinks).

Two C strings walk into a bar.
The bartender asks "What can I get ya?"
The first string says "I'll have a gin and tonic."
The second string thinks for a minute, then says "I'll take a tequila sunriseJF()#$JF(#)$(@J#()$@#())!*FNIN!OBN134ufh1ui34hf9813f8h8384h981h3984h5F!##@"
The first string apologizes, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated."

“Overhearing powers of the Fullstack dev”

We have an internal control panel (BEEP) to manage our dev Tomcat instances. The other day, with one of my muggle friend, I was trying to restart an instance. There’s a checkbox to clean the host tmp files and directories, ingeniously named as - Purge cache.

Innocent Me (to my muggle friend): bro would Purge cache delete the application log files?

__(Fullstack dev overhearing us)__

Muggle friend: Purge ca... (gets interrupted my the Fullstack dev)

Fullstack dev: so the thing is ... it’s like ... (gotta be consistent with the opening) what “npm purge” does is it deletes the files which are not being used.

Confused Muggle friend: bro it’s a BEEP option to clean the tmp dirs.

Fullstack dev: oh I thought you guys were talking about “npm purge”

Angry muggle friend: then WHY THE FUCK did you answer if you didn’t know [...] the fuck we were talking about.

Calm fullstack dev: FYI. Might help you someday.

Deeply-hurt Me: (what the fuck is “npm purge”). Hey man do you mean “npm prune”? Because they don’t have an npm purge. And what do you mean by “it deletes the files which are not being used”?

Confident Fullstack dev: NO

Me: (cries in npm)

More to come!

Helped a friend who's currently learning programming in Java
Looked at the slides used to teach them and apparently the teacher explains the "static" keyword as "can be accessed from any function of the class"... Which... Isn't at all what static does
At that point they hadn't started with actual OOP stuff, so I kind of get why they didn't explain what it really does, but why the fuck did they just put down a completely wrong definition?! Instead of just saying "yeah you'll just need that keyword for now, I'll explain it later"

I tried to look for ParrotSec on Google because a friend of mine told me about it and instead of typing in what I should I typed, I was off by one key and had actually typed in "ParrotSex".

Default arch user with a friend:
What are you doing?
Gimme a sec... Just fixing a thing..

Friend: I'm making a benchmark programm for CPUs. Wanna help me?
Me: Yeah sure, what language are you using?
Friend: Java.

For our business we are paying the highest plan the ISP provides (240 mbps) but we get 110 kb/s. Wtf!! You write them, they answer “give your address”, done, “we doesn’t see any problems”, calls a friend that also uses Telenet, “do you have problems”, “yes, no internet”. What de F*** is wrong?? It’s nearly a month like that!! They really need to do something!!

A friend just asked me if I can convert a pdf to an image file.
Me: yes sure (easier to do than to ask why)
Me: What format do you want it in JPG or PNG?
Friend: yes
Me: ...

Sometimes it's easier to just do it than to start asking and teaching people how to use computers...

Well, I have a friend working on a major bank in my city. Yesterday we went for a coffee when he told me that the wifi connection that the costumers can use is the same as the network they work in. Like, are you fucking me? Do they know what security means? Jesus Wallace, wake up!
And they have a fucking "web security guy" working there. Doing what? Installing ccleaner on pcs? This shit gets me mad. And that's why I don't trust banks.

Was writing a functional test in AdonisJS that queries an API endpoint with data and my test stays red with a dainty `expected 500 to equal 200` assertion failure.

In frustration, I yelled "What must I fuchen do to get my 500 to become a 200". Then my dev friend, an absolute fuchen genius tells me, "Subtract 300." I hope the prat stays debugging his code for a week!!

I went to a friend to help him learn angular. I asked him to show me his code, he opened sublime text, the code was all white ...
- aren't you using a TS plugin ?!
- what is that ?
- since when are you coding like this ?
- more than a week ...
I installed the plugin, than showed him VSCode.
Hi bought me a beer later c:

Friend who also works in tech industry, forwards me a video which explains how Google tracks is users via smartphones. Further calls me and explains it passionately. I'm like ..... wtf. Living under a rock or what🙄

!rant

We were talking about Kafka's "metamorphosis" and a friend said "what if the parents were programmers and did not want to have a bug in the family?"

I worked really hard to make this girl my friend at work. We go for morning breaks around from 10:00 AM – 10:30 AM.

And then this new guy joined the company sitting close to me and we become friends. This new guy finds my girl friend really awesome and they are getting closer everyday and they are leaving me behind now and separates me with almost all the conversations during morning break meet.

Today, during the morning break. My girl friend said that I have changed and don't talk to her much like I used to. Way back when we met I really clearly told her that I have anxiety and social disorder so please bare with me and she told me that she will be there for me as a good friend.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm going to lose a good friend really soon.

Wisdom tooth is trying to burst through my fucking gum, but it's still less annoying than a friend I have who:
- Constantly posts shitty 'inspiring' quotes on his facebook and tags everyone on his friendlist in 'em.
- Watches motivational speakers and constantly links you up to them.
- Tells you to 'aim higher' or to 'look for a job in a bigger company' or I won't achieve 'the success'.

..bitch, what kind of success have you achieved to tell me what to do with my god damn life?

Start-up life.

Learning to code but must do website.

Must learn illustrator....

Can`t even select a fucking circle without it becoming a splatterod non sensical shapes.

Been at it for 2 weeks.

Boss/friend like. Hey i know its the holidays but lets catch up to see what youve done....

Me. Well... I can fuck up circles ;)

Yesterday I found a Fridge on Amazin which you plug into your USB Port. I really liked the product so I told my friend about it. Unfortunately she doesnt know shit about tech😂. First I had to explain what a fucking USB Port is!!! A USB Port!After an hour of explaining she thought that the fridge is for cooling a USB Port. FML😂😂

<feature-request>

What if we could 'share' a rant with another ranter (friend)? Then they would get a notif.

I could of course tag that person but that would create so much spam on a rant.

</feature-request>

A very nice restaurant in a Vegas casino at 3am.

A friend and I were working on a project after defcon, and we got hungry. It's Vegas, so we have no clue what time it is except for our laptop clocks. And who cares anyways. Time is irrelevant in Vegas. So we got a table at a steak place at Caesars palace. And just dropped our laptops on the table and kept coding.

my friend was bragging how he could program a game on his TI-84 calculator
it was just a (buggy) random number game
I told him good job, I program a bit, too
he said "yeah? what do u do?"
I said "I made two apps"
he walked away
I thanked god

Yesterday me and my friend started a project. I set a github repo and said him to "If you make something with code just commit the changes to github so I can see what you did". After a while he said "I've commited something". And I checked what he did. There was 3 commits and they were exactly like that;

Commit 1. Test
Commit 2. Test 2
Commit 3. I wrote something

Then I said "please explain what you did when you commit changes". And he said "why we just upload the codes to the cloud it's more easier".

Today project is ended. Uploading codes to the cloud...

I have a coder friend...
Here's a translated conversation. (read original one followed)
She: Watcha doin?
Me: Foolishness.
She: Means what are you making?
Me: A fool.

Original--
She: Kya kar rahe ho?
Me: Chutiyapa
She: Matlab kya bana rahe ho?
Me: Chutiya :/

Have you ever been interrupted because a marketing workmate had a friend on the phone who needed advice on a WordPress hosting, and wanted your advice right now?

Because I have.

When we had a massive server failure and our production environment was down.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people nowadays.

!dev

This has been an eventful week I guess. Not a happy week, however.

A friend of mine passed last Thursday. We weren't too close, but we were still friends, and he was very close to a couple other friends of mine. He'd always had health issues, but he was only 19. He hadn't been out of high school for a full year.

Then I just found out today that another friend of mine got arrested for shooting and killing someone this past weekend. I don't know many details about what happened, mutual friends are saying it was self-defense. He's never seemed like the kind of person that would just murder someone, but shit happens.

Hello devRant fellows, I have a question for those who avoid Google products...

What are your main motivation behind the decision of not using any (or almost any) Google product?

Respectful-for-everyone analogy:
Google is meat, you are a vegan and your non-vegan friend asked you why to start being vegan?

I'm going to highlight the word -friend- because I'm looking for constructive, argumentative, educational and respectful answers.

When I still in college one of my friend called me
Friend : you major is CS right?
Me: yeah
Friend : I want to buy a new PC
Me : cool
Friend :just to check with you what is the price for a 512M memory?
Me : ......

Today i was trying to solve a problem on my graphs algorithm (find the shortest path) but i was not able to do almost anything, so i asked for help to a friend.

He started to try to help me, but after a long reasoning we both stopped to understand what we were doing.

After a while, i've decided to run the code totally random and... it worked! And that's not all, it worked better than we were trying to do!

What a lucky shot😎
(Sorry if there are some errors, english isn't my first language)

Finally fixed a bug that's been bugging me for weeks, but now friend wants to commit suicide. What a world we live in.

My friend wants me to post a question on SO coz he cannot as he is currently banned from asking too many questions(dats what he says). Moreover, the question he wants me to ask was already asked by him a month ago. He wants me to ask again as he didn't find a.solution.

!dev

I went on a date over two weeks ago. It seemed to go well, but the next week she called me and said she wasn't interested, giving reasons why.

I was disappointed but responded as friendly and responsibly as possible. It was the first time a girl had said no to me, so it hurt.

While it hurt to be rejected, I also felt relief because her reasons prevented us from continuing down a path of mismatched expectations.

The next day, I told a close friend about the outcome of the date because he knew of my interest in the girl. We talked and laughed about it like a missed train on a rainy day.

Just last night, my friend told me he met with the girl, and I was shocked. He said he didn't know why she had said no and wanted to talk to her to try to change her mind.

I was angry because I felt this was a dumb move. He said he was only trying to help because he thought she was a good match for me.

I had already closed that chapter and moved on, so I told my friend I didn't care what they discussed and that I had seen her missed call on my phone. If she calls me again, I won't pretend everything is okay and will let her know that I never sent my friend to convince her further.

He told me to pick up her call and hear her out, but I personally find it disturbing if someone needs to be convinced by a friend to get a positive response.

Yes. I was disappointed by the rejection, but I respected her decision. I was frustrated by my friend's actions, but I will stick to my decision and not pretend everything is okay if she contacts me again.

She just sent a text now! oh my f*cking friend…

My friend: I think you two would really get along, once she heard you were a programmer, she really wanted to meet you.

Me: Sweet, OK, so you said she's pretty much in the same field as me, what does she do?

Friend: Oh she's in IT

Me: Nope.

Friend: What, why?

Me: Cute but , in terms you'll understand, you just don't try to arrange a member of the football team with the waterboy.

Friend asked me how to start a node server. I gave her starter code and told her to do “npm init” then “npm install” ur modules. This is what she did

Me: *Showing the "You ! Count" image from devRant to a friend*
Friend: Haha! Nice one!
Me: You should install devRant, the image is from there
Friend: What is devRant?
Me: It's like Twitter, but only for programmers
Friend: No thanks, I don't like Twitter

I have failed you, master!

>Be me
>Decided to annoy a friend somehow
>???
>Found a VBScript on the Internet
>VBScript runs, waits for 30 minutes, and then ejects the disc drive every 5 minutes
>Sneakily hide and execute the VBScript on friend's laptop before class
>*Patiently waits*
>It begins
>Friend casually closes the disc tray the first time
>See him gradually get annoyed and descend into madness before I tell him what in tarnation is happening
>Such fun

(This conversation is going in WhatsApp)

So a friend of mine asks me if i can build an app for a restaurant to place orders etc.

Me: “Sure, can i have his/her phone number to get in touch with them?”

Friend: “uhmm.. i’d prefer that the communication goes via myself. So what do you want to ask to them?”

Me: “i think that it’ll be easier if i can discuss their wishes and the costs directly with them. Don’t you think?”

He did not answered my question yet.

My question is to you guys; is it wise to take a project from someone that i don’t even know..? Probably my friend is willing to earn some money by raising the price that i ask.
Would you take this project?
Tips-/advices please.

Thanks.

So I was playing with Gboard and decided to do a thing only with it's autosuggestions. This was a part of what I wrote with it "my friend says PHP4 I will throw it out of my system"

We can now conclude Google isn't as bad as we thought it was.

I completed my 4 pull requests for hacktoberfest and guess what all of them got approved. Yayyy!!

So these are the issues which I fixed in hacktoberfest2019.

1. Fixed readme of imba
2. Fixed the script of devTea
3. Added screenshots for the same (2)
4. Helped a friend with a blockchain script.

Thanks a lot!! @devTea, for giving me the chance.

Convo with me an my friend today (i purposefully left out my opinions and reactions):

Friend: i want to learn c#

Me: sounds good, but I'd go java if i were you

F: yeah but i want to do unity

M: sounds good, but I'd go with unreal engine if I were you

F: what language is unreal engine?

M: C++, but if you want to make apps, go with unity

F: yeah I want to make an android app

M: sounds good, but I'd try out renderscript if I were you

F: yeah I've used that before

M: oh really? What does it do?

F: I don't know

M: its for gpgpu because android game devs needed better performance

F: yeah I've used that

M: what does gpgpu stand for?

F: umm… i know what gpu stands for

M: okay dude, you didn't use it

F: yes I did, I made a cypher

M: dude, you didn't use it

F: yes I did!

M: what does gpgpu stand for?

F: *left*

*five minutes later*

M: *checks phone*

M: *sees text from friend*

Text from friend: dude it was general purpose gpu

Friend: "what is it, you love so much about being a developer?"
Me: "The feeling & satisfaction of writing something better & prettier than my past self."
Friend: "Oh. You sound like a Manga writer, I understand about as much about their mind as yours.."
Me: "Yeaah.. Can't argue there.. Can I? *chuckles*"

I am here on devRant now for a while. Althought, reading amy of your stories and taking care of websites is not what I usualy tend to do, I started doing it as a favour for a friend of a friend.
Baaad bad decission :-(

"pls, dis is urgnt! uplood dis pics asap on page"
*mail notification*
*face palm 1* because who sends pictures by mail these days ... I like my 50MiB Inbox, dont spam it with garbage!
*opening mail - lists attachments: 1 file, ~900KiB* ok whats happening now?
*facepalm 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9* (10 if there still would be a face to palm on)

the person seriously send me the pictures in an attachment, within a pdf document that was created with MS Word.
No - Just NO!

I should have known better ... sooo much better :(

So my friend told me that he recommended me to be a new Creative Engineer.
-Oh shit, sweet, what are the requirements?
-I don't really understand that kind of stuff man, just look it up, here' the link
*Hmmm*

-Html,
*ok*
-Css,
*mhmm*
-Javascript
*sure*
etc etc...
and,
Actionscript
...
Excuse me?

Who the FUCK use actionscript nowadays ???

A friend of mine wants to start learn HTML/CSS/JS and ask me where to start.
Since I started to write them more than 10 years ago, I have no clue where to start, what good ressources are today and so on.

Therefore: what would you recommend, I recommend her?

Once I told a good friend that I will make a website for his business. I do all IT stuff he only has to do the content. Halfway done with the site I asked if he has written anything. He had not. Then a week later I asked again. He had nothing. So I sat down with him and helped him write what he does and why people should go to him. Then I told him to ask a mutual photographer friend to take pictures for him. A week went by when I asked him if he has contacted the guy. He had not. Then I was like: "Dude! If you are not willing to put any effort into making this happen then why the hell should I?"

In the end he didn't do anything. And that's the story of my friend never getting a free website.
The End.

!rant
I was getting headaches from looking at the comp screen all day, but what can you do when it's your job? A friend told me about these glasses you can buy specifically for people at a comp 8+ hrs a day. I gave in and bought a pair, and now, no more headaches! Thank you Gunnar glasses! 👓 😃

Fun happy story I thought I'd share with you guys:

I applied to a big tech company for a SWE internship. I was talking with one of my classmate that was usually landing big internship

Friend: good look with your interview, I know people that got it and their salary is x $/h
Me: *getting hype for that huge salary and preparing for the interview*

A few week later, after I was told that they did not have a place for me:

[...]
Friend: What ? No it wasn't x$/h I told you they pay, it's (x-10) $/h...

I guess I misunderstood him the first time.. anyways x $ was really a high salary for an intern position

But then, I got a call from the company, saying that they found a place for me at another location but they will pay for relocation and the salary is actually (x+5) $/h

Me telling my friend,
Friend: wth this is impossible
*le friend proceed to send his resume to this company*

😂
PS: for other students out there: don't be afraid to send resumes to big company, they are most likely looking for passionate people like you !