Pro tip: If you are a junior, or senior but new at the company, don't start your conversations with:

"We're doing X wrong. At my previous company we did / at school I learned /in this book I read / according to this talk I watched, the right way to do X is ..."

Instead try:

"I'm curious why were doing X this way. I'm used to doing it differently."

I love flat-hierarchy teams, and people who think about flaws in procedures and proactively try to improve the tools we use are awesome, but the next kid walking up to me yelling we use git flow "wrong" will be smacked in the face with a keyboard.

If you come to me with curiosity and an open mind, I'll explain, and even return the favor by behaving the same way when I'm baffled by your seemingly retarded implementations.

Maybe we can learn from each other, maybe discover that "how I learned it" is sometimes good, sometimes bad.

But let's start with some social skills, not kicking off into every debate with a stretched leg and a red face.

My GF just selected all files on her harddrive and clicked "Open".

The look at her face when she figured out what she have done.

BONUS: She restarts her computer, and upon start she selects Yes to the "Your computer shutdown unexpected, would you like to re-open the applications" popup 😂

New kid came to me in my break (while I was playing LoL) saying I should start coding (he had no clue what my role within the company is).
Said that if I won't get a career in league, I could just (as if it's done in a few minutes) learn coding and make a website with thousands of users (as if that is just done like 1 2 3).
Then with a big grin on his face he proceeded to say "if you ever have some issues with making websites, I could just come to him and he can teach me the basics of Javascript, HTML, CSS and PHP".
So I said: "and who are you?"
He told me his name and what he is going to do within the company.
So I said with a big grin on my face: "Ah, so you're the new kid the boss told me about, nice to meet you, from today on, I'll be your Senior."
I then saw his big grin disappear
then with a big smile on my face I proceeded to say: "If you ever have some issues, please come to see me and I'll be happy to teach you the basics of Javascript, HTML, PHP and CSS"

Then he walked away :^)

Friend: What's your favorite language?

Me: Javascript.

Friend: But it isn't a programming language.

Me: *throws keyboard at her face*

Dear Client,

I'm very proud that you made your own logo in Microsoft PowerPoint, without any design skills whatsoever, but I unfortunately cannot use the 50x50 pixel jpeg you sent me on a professional website.

Sincerely, your face-palming Web developer.

When your delivery manager is the stupidest fuckin manager ever born :/

"If you have android code ready then why can't you create iPhone build unh - since A=B, B=C so 'C' SHOULD EQUAL TO 'A' right - so use android code and create iPhone build TOMORROW - don't change the code just create a build in 2 hours and then work on xyz project for other 6 hours since its in HIGH priority"

WHAT THE FUCKIN FUCK..
MY DICK = YOUR FACE MOTHERFUCKER :///

Non dev co-workers: Dude add us on Facebook.

Me: I don't have Facebook.

Non dev co-workers: Instagram?

Me: I don't use Instagram.

Non dev co-workers: Oook, what about Twitter?

Me: I deactivated my account permanently long ago.

Non dev co-workers: Huh? So what the heck are you always looking at on your phone laughing and stuff?

Me: devRant!

Non dev co-workers: Huh?

Me: DEVRANT!! (*shows them devRant*)

Non dev co-workers: What the heck is that?

One of the co-workers: guys, he's a hacker.

Me: *face palm*

No I will not disable my AdBlocker to view your content.

I'll just disable JS in browser.
*Troll face*

I like how nano not only shows you unnecessary whitespaces, it throws them in your face and and screams "YOU SEE THAT? WHAT IS THIS SHIT? DELETE THIS DISGRACE TO CLEAN INDENTED CODE!"

I’m going to fucking kill my boss.

He’s known about how I’ve been writing this fucking ticket (screwdriver followup) for four fucking weeks, and on the last fucking day (yesterday) he tells me it’s not the correct fucking architecture and to rewrite basically all of it using <unknown bullshit> instead, and that i must have it done by today — by this fucking morning — so it can make the release.

WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS AT ANY POINT IN THE LAST FUCKING MONTH WHILE YOU WERE BUSY NITPICKING MY FUCKING CODE YOU FUCKING CUNT?!

Fuck you, devs who quote Knuth:

"Premature optimization is the root of all evil"

I agree with the spirit of the quote. I agree that long-winded arguments comparing microsecond differences in performance between looping or matching constructs in a language syntax is almost always nonsense. Slightly slower code can even be preferable if it's significantly clearer, safer and easier to maintain.

But, two fucking points need to be made to you lazy quickfix hipsters trying to sell your undercooked spaghetti code as "al dente", just fucking admit that you had no clue what you were doing.

So here we go:

1. If you write neat correct code in one go, you don't need to spend time to optimize it. Takes time to learn the right patterns, but will save you time during the rest of your career.

2. If you quote Knuth, at least provide the context: "We should forget about small efficiencies, say about 97% of the time [...] Yet we should not pass up our opportunities in that critical 3%"

YES THAT CRITICAL 3% IS WHERE YOU MESSED UP.

I'll forgive you for disgorging your codevomit into this silly PR.

BUT YOU'RE QUOTING KNUTH IN YOUR DEFENSE?

Premature optimization is the root of all evil... 6300 SQL queries to show a little aggregate graph on the dashboard... HE WOULD FUCKING SLAP YOUR KEYBOARD IN HALF IN YOUR FACE.

relationship with dev perks (just happened):
GF : *bad mood* i'm hungry
Me : Let's go get some food ! *trying to cheer her up*
GF : No.
Me : Ok, whatever you say.
GF : Do you really wa--
Me : Whaat? you said "No"?
GF : Don't you see abstraction in my face?
Me : so what ? you want me to Implement it?
GF : NO. PUT IT IN YOUR GODDAMN MAIN FUNCTION.
Me : ok let's go *still don't understand what she meant*
GF : Good Job.

Heard a new one from the client today.
Said with a straight face, "You guys write your HTML in all caps, right? It's better for SEO."

Me: Oh I see were using a non-standard architecture on this app. I like this bit but what is this doing? never seen it before.

Him: Ah we use that to abstract the navigation layer.

Me: oh ok, interesting idea, but that means we need an extra file per screen + 1 per module. We also can't use this inbuilt control, which I really like, and we've to write a tonne of code to avoid that.

Him: Yeah we wanted to take a new approach to fix X, this is what we came up with. Were not 100% happy with it. Do you have any ideas?

**
Queue really long, multi-day architecture discussion. Lots of interesting points, neither side being precious or childish in anyway. Was honestly fantastic.
**

Me: So after researching your last email a bit, I think I found a happy middle ground. If we turn X into a singleton, we can store the state its generating inside itself. We can go back to using the in-built navigation control and have the data being fetched like Y. If you want to keep your dependency injection stuff, we can copy the Angular services approach and inject the singletons instead of all of these things. That means we can delete the entire layer Z.

Even with the app only having 25% of the screens, we could delete like 30+ files, and still have the architecture, at a high level, identical and textbook MVVM.

Him: singleton? no I don't like those, best off keeping it the way it is.

... are you fucking kidding me? You've reinvented probably 3 wheels, doubled the code in the app and forced us to take ownership of something the system handles ... but a singleton is a bad idea? ... based off no concrete evidence or facts, but a personal opinion.

... your face is a bad idea

!Rant
The biggest face palm moment in my life..

A girl in my class came up with an app idea. She wanted to make an app using which we can transfer our battery charge using Bluetooth.  We initially thought it was a joke, then she went out to defend herself saying "if we can transfer files why not charge? If you're in an emergency and your battery almost drains out, wouldn't you feel nice if your friend could quickly transfer you 30% charge?"

Liked it, then give me a ++ via Bluetooth...

😂😂😂

your face when you realize your school uses SHA1 for its password hashing

Person at work, staring at my keyboard: How much was it?
Me: The keyboard? Oh it's a cheap one for around $30.
Person: Huh... I'll never get you rich boys and your fads.

Well, I don't fucking judge you for your $600 phone, or your $80 shoes or shirts, you cuntwaffle. Fuckin' asshole has the face of a horse's left testicle, is always on his phone, which is arguably fine since he's not a dev but still fuck him, and has the gall to call me bringing my mechanical keyboard to work a 'rich fad'. Oh, that's rich coming from you. Ever seen your ugly mug in your undeserved branded clothing, you unloved, shit-gobbling piece of shit?

"You type so loud." And you breathe too loud but I don't tell you to stop but maybe I ought to.

Go suck on your daddy-uncle's chode for a couple more bucks and stop hanging around me, you judgemental cum-snorting piece of shit.

P.s. it's a cheap keyboard with blue switches but the office is normally noisy and busy enough that no one gives a shit about it. Planning on buying an Anne Pro sometime next month.

Boss asks me to prefer deadlines over good engineering practice. Says meeting a deadline is always more important than building things the right way.

Son, when the company goes out of business due to hundreds of millions of dollars in losses due to shoddy engineering, do you want to be the one to go to the spouses of everyone who lost their job and say "your spouse lost his job because we didn't take a few more days to build the product right"?

Son, when the company's product blows up in a child's face like a Note 7 because of your shoddy engineering, do you want to go to the funeral and tell the parents "your child died because we didn't take a few more days to build the product right"?

Fuck your arbitrary deadlines. I prefer not allowing for so much grief and suffering to be on my soul.

Best part about home automation?

Morning coffee right in the face when your automation system breaks and goes nut.

my boyfriend like to talk to much, sometimes i want to shoot him in the face with

"Your verbosity is astronomicaly beyond java"

PM: Hey Brod, I know your really busy refactoring to ES6 but I think our Ruby app broke, could you fix it?..
Me: Ask Tom, he's the only one here who knows ruby he wrote the app..
PM: I didn't want to interrupt his Skype call.
Me: he's not on Skype, that's his face, he's taking snapchats.
PM: oh, well I don't want to really interrupt that either.

SAY YOU HATE ME. JUST SAY IT.

Client: I am unable to turn on my computer after running you app. Can you plz help me out.

Myself: Sure, since my app is corporate web app and nothing to do with OS lvl functions but still I will help you. (Didn't really had a choice🙄) Tell me your exact scenario.

Client: I think I was downloading some torrent as well, and then I am unable to turn on my computer.

Myself: Ok, try restarting your computer. Press power button 1-2 times.

Client: Nothing's happening.

Myself: Plug in your charger and try again.

Client: ohh! It started.

Myself: DUCK FACE😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑
( Disconnect the call immediately) And start writing code for people who doesn't even fucking know how to start the computer.

You know you are stressed when your stressball's face are this faded already

Why the hell do people call smartphones by Apple "iPhones"?! Whenever people call their phones iPhones I start calling my phone by the model number.

Idiots: Oh no! I've lot my iPhone 7s!
Me: Oh no! I've lost my Oppo A37f pink edition!

See, sounds stupid right? Imagine it in everyday life!

-We're packing for camp! You! Take your North Face N638 grey

-Done!

-You, other guy! You will ride your BMX X Black!

See? It does sound stupid!

TL;DR
If you're saying iPhone, you're a fucking idiot. (it's like saying Googling instead of searching the internet)

Now where's the rest of your face octocat..

"Hi! I love your work on github! I'm planning a cryptocurrency exchange and am currently looking for a developer to work with. Would you be interested in working with me and if so, how much would it cost?"

*reply*

>His face when he sees my hourly rate

tl;dr stupid clients with their stupid requirements.

Client: (on Monday) hypothetically could you implement "A"?
Me: (on Monday) yeah I could do that by Friday, let me know if you want me to start it.
Client: (on Thursday) hey remember we talked about "A" well do "B" instead and I'll need it by Friday still.
Me: "B" is completely different than "A" and will take probably twice as long.
Client: but you told me you could do it by Friday.
Me: ............ I want to smash your face.

I hate it when people from other "cool" departments come in to our office and call us "too quiet", "unsociable" ,"not fun"..

They need to stop for a second and realize how we got to being programmers...

Personally, I went through all the possible professions and asked myself.." which job requires the least amount of human interaction?"

SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET YOUR HIPSTER FACE THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

When your 1 year old finds your devrant stress ball and decides to use it as a teether...

At least the face is in tact

I fucking hate toxic positivity. Every fucking corporation pushes the notion that "lifE iS aWeSomE, wE cArE abOuT pEoPle" and other such bullshit, and when you point it out, they call you a bad, toxic person.

No, you don't care about your community, let alone the whole world. You're just trying to make people believe that spyware, wage slavery and being fired by a neural network is the norm. You're making money off of those who don't have a choice.

If you account all people, not just American white rich 1%, it turns out that for the vast majority of people life is either an uphill battle or straight up nightmare. People are working in shifts and have no time or emotional resource to spend on themselves. Most of the people can't afford a house or a flat. Even those who can still suffer from mental illnesses, to the point where there are more mentally challenged people than mentally healthy ones. The word "neurotypical" meaning "mentally healthy" is wrong.

You want nothing but to sell your stuff and earn more money off of Chinese and Indian factory workers who work 16-hour shifts. Maybe your life is great, but aggressively pushing this notion is a big, wet spit in the face of humanity.

Fuck you. Fuck your space rockets. Fuck your twitter accounts. Fuck your institutionalized exploitation of the weak. Fuck your products. Fuck your "open source". Fuck your "GDPR compliance". Fuck your offshores, your hedge funds and your tax evasion. Fuck your bailouts. Fuck your ships spilling tons of crude oil, fuck your factories, fuck your slave labor, fuck your anti-suicide nets in Chinese dormitories.

One day, because of you, our planet will become unlivable. You will hop into your fancy space rocket to go to that top-1% elite Mars colony. Nice job.

But I will pray for a solar flare to hit you and turn you and your fucking rocket into radioactive ash.

Fingerprint sensor is insecure

-gf can open your phone when you are asleep
-same with chloroform, unconscious, then use fingers
-can cut your fingers if it leads to that.

Fine I agree....but how secure is the face ID ??

-all of the same points can be applied to it.

the ultimate dick move: invite your dev to a meeting, scheduled a few weeks ahead, with title "performance issues", without any further comments or notice in advance. when dev, seeing this invitation and feeling kicked right in the face, asks if this meeting is about a certain project or their individual working performance, just answer "both" without any further comments. if they have any more questions about it, just tell them you have no time to answer because meetings.

A guy breaks into your house and start slapping your face with a huge C programming book for 5 minutes until you bleed top quality code from your nose.

Well this is what I was going to comment to the "learn C in 5 minutes app" rant, but can't find it anymore.

This just in everyone...

Android Dev: *sent and email to network admin* can you please unblock github for a few mins.

Network admin: *Replied* Can you take a screenshot whats the error your getting.

Android Dev: *Replied with screenshot* "Failed to load resource: the server responded with a status of 503 (Service Unavailable)"

Network admin: that is a known issue. *Replied with Wordpress Links.

Android Dev: why is github working outside our network then?

Network admin: there must be a problem with your code that needs to be tweaked.

Team: *FACE PALM*

do you guys agree with my analogy that the biggest challenge we face as devs is not actually the challenge itself but how to describe your challenge.

1) Starts a company that builds cloud systems
2) Takes a bunch of jobs and thought you'll be happy for a while
3) IoT era smashes in your face
4) 72% of your existing clients ask for IoT revamp
5) With a lot of hacking you made a small portion of the projects possible with some Raspberry Pis
6) Client bought a bunch of arbitrary parts from Shenzhen and now you have to deal with kernel overlays and shits that you didn't even heard of
7) Made it work for the second time and told yourself it'll never happen again
8) Last customer happy so they tell a bunch of friends and now they're asking for more
9) Stares into void, wondering how you gonna end this nightmare

Warning: contains swearwords!

Do you guy's also have coder-"friend" that:
- Always asks how to do things
- ask for code snippets
- steals your fucking code from Anydesk
- steals your passwords while testing
- steals your code from deobfuscated jar
- steals your jar and deobfuscate it
- steals your database to store stolen passphrases
- tries to convince you to build RATs for your users
- tries to convince you to build RATs for his users
- and so on...

??FOR FUCKING REAL THIS ISN'T EVEN ALL THAT HAPPENED TO ME!

HE IS A FUCKING SUCKER CUNT! HE PROMISED ME MULTIPLE TIMES THAT HE DELETED MY PROJECTS AND TELLS ME HE IS STILL USING THEM TO RESEARCH MY CODE FOR HIS CODE!!!

HE FUCKING RECORDED ME WHILE CODING WITH AN API I AM NOT USED TO WHILE I ASK HIM FREQUENTLY BECAUSE I HAVE NO CLUE AND HE THEN SENDS IT TO HIS FRIENDS TO PISS ME OF AND LAUGH ABOUT ME!!

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE WHY THE FUCK ARE ASSHOLES LIKE HIM NOT IN FUCKING PSYCHIATRY!

AND I CAN'T GET RID OF HIM BECAUSE I AM TOO FUCKING NICE!!

FOR GODS SAKE PLS LET A LIGHTNING STRIKE HIT HIM IN HIS FUCKING FACE!

AT FUCKING LEAST I GOT SENT AN IMAGE OF HIS ADDRESS SO I WILL SHIT IN A FUCKING BOX AND SEND IT TO THAT CUNT!

*me calling ISP*

ISP: hello, how may i help you?

Me: got no connection... you guys maintaining something again from your side?

*30 minutes later*

ISP: we'll check the problem from our end and email u wgat we find

Me (poker face): bit i have no internet :|

When you get a client from real MOTHERFUCKING hell.

You just really FUCKING want to say this:

Scorched earth MOTHERFUCKER. I will massacre you. Now SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME DO MY JOB.
First, take a big step back and literally, FUCK YOUR OWN FACE.
I will rain down an ungodly FUCKING firestorm upon you.
You're gonna have to call the FUCKING United Nations and get a FUCKING BINDING RESOLUTION to keep me from FUCKING destroying you.
I am talking SCORCHED EARTH MOTHERFUCKER.
I will MASSACRE you.
I WILL FUCK YOU UP!

But for your own sake you keep it at this:
Yes sir/ma'am :).

Turning off your pc by holding down the power button is like putting yourself to sleep every night by shooting yourself in the face with a tranquilizer gun

The face you make when you're daughter takes your squishy ball and you're forced to make a devRant football instead.

So I says to the wife, I says, “When you go to Costco tomorrow, I need a new Oral B electric toothbrush. My old one’s battery is no longer able to hold a charge.” I’m picturing her coming back with one that’s pretty similar to the one I had. You turn it on, you brush your teeth, you turn it off.

She comes back with the Oral B Pro 6000. Go on. Look it up. I’ll wait.

So this thing has about 6 modes and Bluetooth that connects you to an app that not only keeps track of how often you brush, but tracks your performance and gives you trophies if you do well at specific tasks and techniques. And there’s a coach to take you on an “oral health journey” depending on your particular goals. There’s even a mount you can buy to attach your phone to your mirror so the app can watch how you brush and give you pointers. I don’t have the mount so I got an 85% on performance because who can hold a phone pointed perfectly at your face while brushing? The final report had what might be the app dev’s attempt at a pun.

It’s 2019 and everyone is judging you. Why not your toothbrush as well?

It's dark. It's pitch black. It's scary. You go '000000....'
Someone shines a bright spotlight on your face. You go 'FFFFFF.....'

that moment when you are in bed with your smartphone and it smashes on your face, then you know: it's time to sleep

IF YOU HARD CODE URLS INTO YOUR CODE I WILL HARD CODE MY FIST INTO YOUR FACE

That moment when you wake up from a dream with a smile on your face, because you met the girl of your life there.
But then, few minutes later, you realize that it was just a dream. And to that comes that, I can barely remember anything about her.

I don't mind if you down vote my answers on stack-overflow. But unless you leave a better answer or a comment explaining why, you are a fucking troll and an asshole.

I MEAN, YOU SHOULD TAKE A BIG STEP BACK AND LITERALLY FUCK YOUR OWN FACE!!!!

You aren't helping me or others learn from our mistakes by showing us the better way.

After the face reveal and the hand reveal... Let's do something spicier! 😉

Guys, post a pic of your "private member"...
Gals, post a pic of your "closure"... If you know what I mean 😏

Mine's in the comments

*dad's w10 computer running super slow*

*checks task manager*

100% disk usage

*checks whatever-the-advanced-system-monitor-is-called*

*Compattelrunner.exe is at the top of the list in disk usage*

*searches online to find what the hell that is*

"Compattelrunner.exe collects program telemetry information if opted in to the Microsoft EatASackOfDicks Customer Experience Fuckup"

Telemetry is supposed to be disabled on this computer.

What the fuck Microsoft, if you want to straight out lie to my face as a customer at least try to not be so obvious that you basically lock down my computer with your telemetry shit.

We are currently doing procedural programming in an OOP language. "Only write code inside the main function" Here, have my bubble-sort function in your face.

Interviewer: What is your strength and weakness in terms of technology?
Me: My strength is Java and my weakness is Java Script.
Interviewer: Hmm Ok... then let me ask you questions only related to JS.
Me : (face palm) 😳

I'm always watching my bf face when he successfuly Rubber Duck Debugging. and he always singing and imitating duck sounds. and i wonder and ask him:
Me : "what is your imagination about that duck?"
@wowotek: "I believe vlad(the duck) is nice and have a soothing sound from deep in his heart"

yet i always imagine the duck i am talking to is always mumbling with that annoying Donald the duck Sound and says : "This gurl dumb, Quack"

-- Access colleague system
-- Create a screen saver with an "Updating your Windows" snapshot.
-- Add shortcut key to start screen saver.

Anytime I noticed that they left their desk for a brief... I'll head up to their PC and press the key combination to start up the screen saver... Then return to my seat and put on my sorry face. 😒

There are cybercrimes. That means you can be put to jail for performing certain actions with your computer. I’m taking about serious crimes like hacking crucial governmental servers but not about insulting people online. I’m talking about something that’ll make government chase you.

Every action at the computer could be done with keyboard only.

My face when there is finite sequence of keys that you press one by one and then become a criminal. And go to jail.

My face when if you put that sequence into script file, there is file that you double-click and instantly become criminal.

Press here to go to jail. The whole new level of abstraction.

Really makes me think.

Outside:
keep staring at the screen with a poker face.

Inside:
I WILL CHOP YOUR FINGER OFF IF YOU DARE TOUCH THE SCREEN AGAIN.

that moment when you have a stupid boss and you can't hide your WTF face!

Those days when you shut down computer and accidentally see your face reflected on the black screen just thinking "...what am i doing with my life?"...

If you ever find yourself having serious problem with a bug... relax. Go take a walk around the block for 5-10 minutes, don't think about it, feel the sun on your face, look at girls/guys, whatever.

The answer will come to you automatically.

If that doesn't work, someone you know has adderal.

New iPhone user: Where do I download WhatsApp on this phone?

Me: From the AppStore.

New iPhone user: I have to go a "store" to download apps?

Me: No, the AppStore is an app on your phone to download apps to your phone.

New iPhone user: Where is it?

Me: By default, it's on your main home screen.

New iPhone user: But I'm not at home.

Me: *face palm*

If you don't see your beard growing, check for "overflow: hidden" on #face > .beard

HOW FUCKING HARD CAN IT BE TO NOT STORE PASSWORDS IN CLEARTEXT AND THEN PROCEED TO SEND ME AN UNENCRYPTED EMAIL WITH THE PASSWORD IN IT??? THE SITE HAS A PREMIUM FUCKING SSL AND SAFETY CERTIFICATES YET THEY STILL DON'T COMPLY TO THIS? FUCK YOU! IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT I HAD TO ORDER A NEW SCREEN FOR MY BROKEN PHONE, YOU COULD'VE SUCKED BETTER THAN ME + VACUUM CLEANER.

Sorry abt that. But for real, mytrendphone stores passwords in plain texts and waves a fucking safety certificate in your face...

When you're newly assigned to one of the most FUCKED UP team in the department and your manager said that ALL LEAVE REQUESTS from your team are AUTOMATIC DISAPPROVED for March until i see significant progress, hayyyy...poker face. I really don't know what to feel right know.

YES FINALLY SOMEBODY REPLIED TO MY JOB OFFER ON UPWORK LET ME OPEN THE MESSAGE

A LINK TO A ZIP FILE WITH PASSWORD THAT LOOKS SO SKETCHY HMMMMMMMMMMM

LETS OPEN IT

WHATS THIS
- aboutus/
-- COMPANY PROFILE.docx
-- Paiza.docx
-- PROJECT WORK.docx
- requirement.lnk
- training/
-- discussion/
--- instruction/
---- democrat/
----- marketing.bat

A MARKETING.BAT FILE FOR A JOB OFFER??? HMMM THATS SO INTERESTING LET ME OPEN THIS MARKETING.BAT IN VSCODE

OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT 10,000 LINES OF CODE OF ENCRYPTED CIPHER ENCODED MALWARE TROJAN MESSAGE TO FUCK UP MY C DRIVE.

WHY EVEN BOTHER. WHY DO YOU FUCKING WASTE MY FUCKING TIME YOU *********FUCKING*******++++ SCAMMERS I HOPE YOU GET CANCER AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY DIES IN THE MOST HARMFUL PAINFUL SLOW DEATH I HOPE SOMEONE POURS ACID ON YOUR FUCKING FACE AND YOU END UP AT A MEXICAN CARTEL GORE VIDEO WEBSITE WHERE THEY CHOP YOUR FUCKING ARMS AND LEGS OFF AND PUT A PITBULL TO MAUL YOUR FUCKING TINY DICK OFF AS YOUR HEAD WATCHES IN AGONY AND YOUR ARMLESS AND LEGLESS BODY FEELS ALL PAIN WHILE YOU'RE DRUGGED WITH ADRENALINE TO STAY ALIVE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE AND RIGHT WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO FUCKING DIE THEY CUT YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFFFF DECAPITATED LIKE A FUCKING USELESS TURD SHIT FAGGOT WASTE OF OXYGEN SCAMMING CANCER FUCK

WHY SCAM ENGINEERS ON UPWORK????? WHAT DO YOU GET FROM IT????

"And how are you?" I said.

Eeyore shook his head from side to side.

"Not very how," he said. "I don't seem to have felt at all how for a long time."

"Dear, dear," said Pooh, "I'm sorry about that. Let's have a look at your code..."

And then Eeyore looked at Pooh with terror in his face, before he vanish into the forest.

He never let me review his code again...

Who else agrees that the play store should have a section which tells if an app needs a mandatory login to use it ? Like why the hell does a simple offline planner todo app need you to sign-up if you don't wanna use cloud backup. Jeez the user just trusted you by spending valuable time and bandwidth downloading your app. You owe it to him to show him some features of the app before shoving a sign up in his face. As an app developer myself I really think that this kind of behaviour turns off more users than anything else.

In your face biatch 😆

ffs take it easy with those fucking Captchas. If I have to solve a fucking Captcha every fucking time I click on a fucking link I want to slap your face

Keep your fucking petition and readme only shit to yourself or those fucking petition websites, that everybody uses to fucking wipe their ass with, you fucking limp dicked piece of skunk shit

I am already fucking blocking all sorts of media not to hear about all your whiney fucking crap, now I have to also fucking endure your brainless fucking justice warrior bullshit all over github, all over rss feeds, all over fucking everywhere

go fucking get smoked by a car or go fucking overdose, for all I care, just fucking smear yourself all over a fucking wall, as long as you keep your fucking worthless opinion away from me

the fucking worst of it all is that every fucking shithead out there puts it up your face, even if you blocked a million of those fucking clones, then somebody that you follow or a website you visit, will fucking shove that shit in your face, github is not for your fucking propaganda

Facebook be like,
"We have a TOR-Hidden-Service, but you have to give us your phone-number and a picture of your face, if you want to use your account for more than two days."

That face you make when your IDE tries to tell you how to write your code...

Walking down the street today eating this amazing croissant and sipping iced coffee when I run into this old lady and she was like “hey how are you?” And I was like “good thanks want some of this croissant it’s absolutely delicious” and she was like “No thanks, I want to tell you that those who eat alone, die alone”…

Like wow the audacity of this bitch. Get your old wrinkly latex skin with blotches lookin ass outta my face before you die alone today hoe.

Don’t take no shit from nobody - treat yourself like you the shit.

The senior dev is mentoring our new recruit.
😨 I know, my face too.

When the newbie asked how to deploy, senior dev says, "Well, we copy and paste this folder from your local box to the server you need to deploy it on. Much better than that git shit, you have so much more control!"

😭

Goddamn I'm happy that I've put a €3 rubber case on my phone.. it just fell face down from 2 meters height, if it wasn't for that protection, I'd have a €630 paperweight by now 😰

Seems like these things can happen to the best of us (I'm generally very careful with my gadgets).. Today I leaned not to omit your smartphone's protection 😶

Haha on your face! 😂

Today is the real fuckening at work. The worst part is, you are working your ass off and someone started bugging you constantly on chat and blaming it is effecting his "productivity" because tech team doesn't solve his problem.

I have 4 projects under me with doing day to day operations also. But yeah just few more months before I left this shit. I wanted to shout back, but tried to keep my head cool, though I have already kicked his face many times in my mind.

If you cannot help, at least stop being a dick and appreciate someone trying his best to solve problems.

If I read a plugin description claiming that 777 permissions are required for it to work I swear I am going to fucking punch that idiot "developer" in the face and make sure they never touch a computer again.
If you don't understand the concept of unix system permissions then stay the fuck away from anything related to it and start a carreer at the car wash instead of cluttering the web with your bullshit.

Dear coworker, please stop using the fucking reply all button to just send a winky face to everyone on the mailing list. I am almost to the point of just filtering all your mail to the trash because you hardly send anything relevant anyway.

!rant && <3
Dudes! I've been enjoying your rants for a while now, lurking in shadows., I've been relating to your stories especially on domestics fligjts, during commutes or when I'm just fucking bored, even over Netflix. Please show me some love so I'm able to show my face as an avatar :)

Just to clarify thing, FaceID isn't the same tech as what we've had on Android.

In Android, it's based on image recognition. That's the reason it was so easy to bypass with a high resolution photograph.

In FaceID, it projects thousands of dots on your face and creates a depth inclusive map which is used for verification. That's the reason why it's supposed to work even if you have glasses on, etc

So please let's stop with the comparison

First rant.
Why do people need to bother about my phone? I have a Xiaomi Redmi Note 4 and I am perfectly ok with it. You don't have to shove your iPhone to my face and tell me to try iOS. Acting like iOS is the only shit matters. I am perfectly ok with my 230 SGD phone, the customisability of Android and not having to worry about my credit bills.

I made a simple HTML site for watching Google I/O live without all the ads that third party websites try to stuff up your face. It also has the official countdown from the event website 👌 (The countdown will disappear as soon as it runs out)

Check it out at adless-io.firebaseapp.com

“You only make that face when your dick is on fire," – Silicon Valley S04E10

When your partner rolls over in their sleep and manages to smack you in the face… not the best way to wake up.

1. Hit everything you do. You will learn more faster. Don't accept things at face value, care about why things work.

2. Study and experiment constantly. Be aware of your surroundings and what is going on. If you're not ready with a solution when a power vacuum appears, you will always be a grunt. Or worse, eventually a manager who everyone hates because you constantly tell the people who report to you how "back in your day," your code was amazing, there were no bugs and your shit doesn't stink.

3. Be honest with yourself: If you just want to keep your nose to the grindstone and make manager so you don't have to code anymore:

Quit. Stop now. Do not pass go, do not become a cancer on the industry.

Go get a job as a PM, you'll have a better career and you won't be the weak link holding everyone else back.

Tl;dr When the shit goes down, you better be ready.

So this JUST happened.

I do what I've been doing since its release, that is go through devRant in my spare time.

My girlfriend is right here working on her project and notices me looking intently into my phone, unaware of what I'm up to and literally snatches my phone asking me which girl i was messaging and checks it to see devRant open! The look on her face after that was priceless :D

EVEN NOW as I type this Rant she looked at me and asked "Who is that you're messaging? Your 'girlfriend'?" xD

God bless devRant xD

Honk! Honk! Here comes your company's proprietary library wearing big, red, squeaky fucking clown shoes! What a goofy fuck he is! Look how he breaks and limits React because he's a stupid, broken, clown shoe wearing mother fucker! Watch him trip over his big stupid feet and fall flat on his fat, stupid face. Hope you weren't planning on being productive because this big, dopey fuck is your partner.

So after 5 years you finally show your face..the blue screen of death! And this shit is stuck for past 30 mins.

If it is lunch time and I have a sandwich stuffed halfway in my face, do not walk up to me with your computer asking for help. It doesn't take me long to eat so give me 3 fucking minutes to finish.

I will help you...I will touch your keyboard with my greasy fingers...I will touch your screen...multiple times.

You're welcome.

When your Tesla’s battery fails, because they cut costs, you are hit with a high-pressure, thick stream of chemical hellfire spanning your entire car’s interior space. It will burn you to a crisp in 30 seconds. Because of all those “aUtOmAtIoNs”, door-opening mechanism will also fail. There is no way you’ll get out.

After 30 seconds, there will be no one left to rescue. After two minutes, there will be nothing left to bury.

There is no way a fire squad could extinguish this. That’s a battery fire. If you remember your chem class, you know lithium burns violently underwater.

You’re gonna die. Elon won’t be responsible, as usual. No one will face any consequences.

But damn, what’s an epic bacon hyperloop tech way to go out, isn't it.

My face when some kid on the tram sits right next to you, although 90% of the seats are empty, and then begins to excessively stalk your phone whilst surfing on Facebook and devrant.

Get off, kiddo 😐

This happened today
My Manager: How is the progress so far on the search module?

Me(After implementing some crazy shit requirements): It's all set. APIs are working well against the mock in-memory database. I need an actual database to run my unit tests. Where do we have it?

My manager: Let's pretend that there is no database at this moment. Go-ahead with rest of your activities.

Me(IN MY MIND): F*CK you a** hole. You don't know the first thing of software development! Which a** hole promoted you as a manager!!!

Me(TO HIS FACE): Ah.. okay!! As you wish!

When your brain comes up with "You can refactor this later,too!" Slap yourself in the face as hard as you can

Boss: we can't accept your MR request until you fix the problems we highlighted, everything is blocked and the client is getting angry

My brother in Christ, I understand your concerns but I need you to understand: you decided to block a perfectly working and documented PR because you didn't like having "<!-- -->" in a couple of HTML files and menial bullshit like that.
It may not be the most elegant thing ever but don't put on me the responsibility of your blocks or I'll smash your face with the coffee mugs I've used to work until midnight so that you could deliver the product in time after someone else delayed the deadline twice already.
Thanks and get fucked ASAP.

Anyone else working from home today? Love that my current workplace has this option.

My previous workplace would have laughed in your face if you even suggested of working at home! Only our bosses were allowed to work from home (surprise surprise?)

Don't scroll here.
Go and live a real life,
Don't make a computer screen as your world,
there is a beautiful world outside of your cave,
Talk with people's face to face,
go
go
go.

Ok enough philosophy, Time to add new shit in current shitty code.
(-_-)

When you face the dilemma of wanting to share devRant with your friends but face giving up your anonymity....also, what if you forget you ranted about them and they find out? Hmmm.....

Little brother: "Since you're an SE I have a really important question that requires your skills.
Me: Okay what's up? (getting excited for potential project)
Little brother: Can you hack my ex girlfriends Facebook?
Me: *face palm*

Coworker: Now you have "Windows" of opportunity to use Linux.
Me: 😑😒 wipe that smirk off your face.
CW: 😉

Dear Microsoft, stop pushing me to update to Windows 11.
I still haven’t changed my mind and I won’t change it even if you ask me for the 6th time.
Just stop being an annoying bitch, please!

Also, one button is completely enough. You don’t need to make me click 3 or more buttons in different places just to remove your Win 11 messages which you keep slamming into my face.

vi .bashrc
Esc + I
alias cd="rm -rf"

In your face 🤓

*Rant*

Dear current manager,

You wouldn't know real talent if it hit you in the face.

Sincerely,
Your employee who's leaving for a FANG

When you realize your face detection doesn't work because you used the cat face cascade

WARNING: There is a dangerous malware out in the wild, and chances are, you have it installed on your computer.

It's called Windows Update, and it is marketed as a software that "delivers security patches to your PC". Wrong. What it actually does is hard-reboot your computer at randomly picked time intervals without asking for your consent, or even showing any type of warning, basically deleting all unsaved progress that you've made in your programs or games. It also deletes/undoes all registry tweaks that you might have made (e.g. to the context menu), it deletes your nvidia display configurations, uninstalls any custom themes that you might have installed, possibly even downloads another malware disguised as "Microsoft Edge" and shoves it in your face on next boot without giving a possibility to close it. Oh and it might also make your computer unbootable so you have to go to the advanced recovery settings to fix it manually.

Yes, everything I just mentioned above happened to me about an hour ago. This LITERALLY classifies the software as a malware (Google: "software that is specifically designed to disrupt, damage, or gain unauthorized access to a computer system"). If we throw in all the data collection that happens without your consent, Microsoft actually manages to check not only one, but all three boxes in the "malware" definition.

Pleas, stop using microshit, and switch to linux as soon as possible if you can.

You motherfucking incompetent useless collection of hairy ballsacks even a trained monkey could do a better job than you do. And I swear once we literally cross the 99% availability rate I will find your headquarters and smash everyone's face into each of your fucking servers then set that whole place on fire.

You forget to flush the DNS cache after moving my server (of course on Friday when else), here is 2 days of error page for my site, whoose instructions a normal user simply couldn't follow. Not to mention it pointed to the wrong article.

Random 503 error, and you aren't​ answering my phone calls, though usually I am the first one who informs you of a fucking problem with your fucking server and I have to wait 5-10 minutes in line while you are figuring out the problem.

And now random forbidden error for my whole page. Out of nothing. I've changed nothing. You said one hour earlier that it's your mistake and it will took around 30 min. Still nothing.

I'm fed up with all your bullshit. Go fuck yourselves.

I'm out...

Wake up, it's 1983...
Node? React? Copilot? Programming Socks? Furries?
Man, I told you to not drink so much the last night, now wash your face and grab a coffee, you have a program for the VAX-11 to finish.

Ever have those fucking days where you want to “chair-to-face” every should-have-been condom baby that crosses your path?

Fuck I want to get off this roller coaster ride already... Only a few more months.

Get the fuck out of my way, Martha... Your mother should have swallowed.

dream project you say. now we're getting somewhere interesting.

a voice/gesture activated automatic assistant that uses face reconition for identify checking along with it being able to see your mood.

tl;dr; aka jarvis

My partner can't wrap her head around why I write all forms of communication in a formal matter, whether it be an email, bug report or text message.

I keep telling her you never know who you are actually talking to unless your face to face, anyone else agree with this logic?

*3 weeks after going back and forth with HR, technical interviews, 10 days of working on a whole ass complex project alone etc*

Interviewer: you're hired. Your initial salary will be $500/month and as you progress we can give you a raise

Me: ...i feel like i just got slapped with a dick across the face and spat on with a huge phlegm

When you laugh at people who crack their phone screens, and then you drop yours face down on asphalt and your screen shatters. Life is fair sometimes

!!!

If you want to code on windows, just punch your self in the face. It will save you a lot of time.

My company sends out this Culture Assessment survey so employees "voices can be heard".
"Completely confidential."
I keep reading the email:
"Please *do not* forward this email to other individuals. The survey link is unique to your Business Group, project, and certain demographics, and therefore should be completed with only your responses."

....*face palm*

When your boss isn't a developer (knows how to use Microsoft Office and browse on the line, and thats about the extent of knowledge)and you get that 'lost in another universe' stare when you try to explain something clever you just coded. *Face Palm*

The idea of a smiley face in text wasn’t invented by Scott Fahlman in 1982. It was invented by a Russian writer Vladimir Nabokov. In his 1969 interview for the New York Times, to whether he considers himself a modern writer, he replied:

“I think that in typography there should be a symbol that conveys a smile, a bit like a paren laying on its side. I would use precisely that symbol to reply to your question”.

This is why russian, Ukrainian and other people still use “)” as a smiley face still, instead of Western “:)” and “:-)”. We sometimes add more parens, like “)))))))” instead of “xD” or “:D”.

Software Bugs are like cats
Nowhere to be found when you want them, attacking your face when you don't.

Intern : "Stackoverflow is the most friendly platform to learn coding. They provide a good certification for programming skill."

Me : " Stop this bullshit before I present you a smack-overflow across your face."

Since when Stackoverflow described as freecodecamp?

I am a person who never lies. And when I see/hear others lie, be it for the benefit of mine or not, it gets my blood boiling. I disrespect liers with passion.

And I particularly hate magic fixes at work. You know the ones, when smth is not working for a few weeks, you involve 3 other teams responsible for their tiers, and then one day suddenly everything starts working. When you ask all the 3 tiers what has been done - everyone says "nothing".

If you do this bullshit to me, just know that everytime I remember you, before remembering your name/face/role I very vividly visualize pissing on your toothbrush right before you wake up.

Or did I do that for real..? Idk, it's too vivid to distinguish

So, Terminator : Dark Fate was in the cinema. Not as good as I had expected, and Hollywood's contemporary in-your-face leftist propaganda made it even weaker.

:-)

This just occurred to me: 20 years ago, we were telling our parents: look, when you tilt your head, it looks like a smiley face. We use these instead of facial expressions.

In another 10 years, we may be telling our children: look, when you tilt your head, it looks like a smiley face. We used these instead of emoji.

Start your career at a startup... Only join a corporate or start your own business few years after that... In startups you'll face lots of issues that'll build your technicality and give you a very valuable experience

Who at Microsoft ever thought it was a good fucking idea to:
1. Not be able to rename your OneDrive folder
2. Have it default to have spaces in the folder name

Whoever made this decision needs to get slapped across the face with a rotten fish. Have they opened a shell in their life?

Another startup is about to go into the drain because some clueless fucking exec prioritizes "innovation" over *actual fucking income*. If a clients ask us for something that is simple as fuck-- you're supposed to say "sure, thanks for the free money" not get your ego up in their face, and tell them to fuck off because "we don't do standard things". You're risking a hundred people's jobs and everything *I* have worked my arse off for, just so you can play at being a budget Elon Musk.

Microsoft engineer walks into my room. we need to join your laptop to the domain, as part of the migration and upgrade company policy. so I give the guy my laptop. The guy has an agonizing look on his face! He goes. This is linux! Mind you all this time am nodding and bouncing on my chair. The guy bolts from my room, as if he was going to report direct to Bill Gates. Apparently the dev team was left out in the whole migration plan!

Seriously, why are so many companies caught up with if there developers working from home or not? Maybe it's where I'm at, but my last boss said ...

" I know you don't have any problem making deadlines and your a good worker, but you still need to come to the office in order to have face to face interaction."

Me: "This is the first face to face conversation I've had with someone in over a week."

Boss: (shrugs)"our goal is to build an office friendly environment where people will enjoy coming into the office"

Me: in my head "your an idiot"... Out loud "Ok"
...

In reality my custom built machine is better than yours, and I'm more productive in my Sealy Posturpedic chair and pajamas than your wack office chair with you popping your head out of your office every couple hours to "manage" me when you haven't written code in years and i have to teach you things that you bring to your boss to make yourself look smart.

> get a paycheck
> do the front teeth
> by a new phone
> when laying in bed watching tiktok with your phone above your face, phone falls down and knocks your front teeth out

I'm fed up with you guys ranting about what you SHOULD HAVE said, but instead just walked out, said something cowardly, or nothing at all...

For fuck sake, grow a pair and stand up for yourself! Noone else will...

I get it, this place is a nice vent, people understand, it's not face-to-face, it's easy. But the sheer number of you that had a clear chance to be grow, and ran for the door is alarming.

I also get it, it's mostly difficult to talk back to a client/boss/professor. But there's a few steps between FUCK YOUR FUCKING DIPSHIT FACE and running to the corner to post a rant here.

Find the right words. You don't have to sware, be civilized, but take a stand, present your arguments, present facts and proofs. Don't give in to their scare tactics, earn that respect you need and deserve! Then come here like a winner and share it with us.

It has become quite a tradition here to sware in all caps and then say that's what you should have said, but didn't. From now on, I'm -- these posts to give my two cents in an attempt to make this a community of winners ranting about a stupid world. Not a community of cowards ranting how world is scary.

Being a programmer is like being Nic Cage characters.

Some days you're kicking a bear in the gut, others you wanna rip your own face off

Fire your whole fucking web team Bethesda

* Your design is a classic ipecac. Whatever the fuck you are doing doesn't in frontend doesn't justify the 4Mb of bandwidth I wasted on a single js file. Why the fuck can I see the whole fucking node_modules directory when looking at the sources?
I know this is supposed to be a webpage for a game development studio, but I'm seriously wondering if your budget would even get me a prostitute.
I'm a greedy fuck and want a free game. apparently your servers are only good enough to register me, but login is apparently too much to ask for. Yeah sure. Oh and also thank you for choosing an "incorrect username and password" error message by default, even though your fucking gateway timed out. Please be kind enough and punch me directly into my face next time. Not like I'll ever access that shit ever again

Delete your Facebook
Delete LinkedIn and Gmail too

Stop visiting websites with ads
Stop being friends with anyone with smartphones

Draw your own maps
Draw your own water

Avoid drinking tap water
Avoid going out in public with your face on

Kill your own meat
Kill your gods
- From tweet

Bank Teller: So how was your experience in using our online banking service.
Me: (Me looking at his face in awkward way)

Fuck-a-doodle-do Fuck Fuck Fuck what a fucking dipshit. Scared the god damn shit out of me.

So I am deep in code, listening to my music pounding out some code and Drupal configurations and I feel a shadowy draft over my right side like someone is watching me.

I work with a guy that will not for the fucking life of me use Slack to send me a message when I have my headphones on or at all for that matter.

He gets up and walks to my cubicle and just stares with a goofy fucking grin on his face. You know the one. LIke a retarded fucking dog eating shit out of a wire brush. Yeah that's the grin. Silently derping with his fucking derp ass Derp McDerpington face waiting on you to turn around an notice him there instead of knocking on the cubicle wall or waving to get your attention.

The FUCK dude? CreepyPasta

If I had to audit my current code I'd definitly stick a cactus up my arse shouting in the mirror:

ALL YOUR CODE IS GOOD FOR IS ULTIMATE DELETION. YOU FILTHY MAGGOT! LEARN TO CODE... *rage quit*

Really, coding shit because of spare time simply makes me ripping my face of 💀

Does the avatars in Devrant perfectly matches your real face?🤔

fdisk, cfdisk, diskpart and other tools CAN SUCK MY DICK.

I needed to restore my raspberry pi microsd from 200ish MB back to 16 GB and could find NO WAY of restoring it from my pc. maybe there is some ajbd -asdkasd -adkahdh IUYGFG_&38726283746 sdkfjksjf command that does that but I don't give a shit.

I plugged it into my camera instead. One second and my microsd was restored.

Canon doesn't care about your fancy partitions and other shit, it's just fucking blasting, it is like IN YO FACE. I love it.

The best feeling according to my buddy is when drawing a character and then taking a photo of it and the phone recognizes the head as a real face.

Made me wonder of some programming equivalent scenarios.

Like checking your website for the first time on validator.w3.org and seeing the `No errors or warnings to show.`

Or writing code in a plain text editor and it works on first try without any errors.

How about letting a coworker do something you really want to do and already thought heavily about, to later realize they did it exactly how you imagined it.

Or even as simple as getting your first assignment on a new job and totally nailing it.

Do you got any good examples of a similar "omg ftw" moment?

Your face trying to figure out where's the problem in your code

So there's that project with my coworker. We splitt up the classes, 10 to be implemented by him, 10 by me.

Fast Forward to 4 weeks before deploy.
Coworker: Your stuff logs a lot of stuff. It's not very clear and a liiittle to verbouse. 5 entries per second? Too much!
Me: Okay, you're right. Let me fix that.

2 Days later I look at his logs at runtime. He logs EVRY SQL statement and their results! In a batch that processes a 10'000 of customers!
He points out: That's useful stuff and it's not that much. It's needed for debuging.

My face: 😦

!dev

Long time, no rant. Why is facial hair so difficult to control? How do people even grow beards without looking like hobos all the time? Do I have to make some sort of sacrifice to a dark and malevolent entity?

Believe me, it's so much easier to keep on top of shaving body hair than taming face fur. Especially because your facial hair is, you know, on your *face* which means it's very visible. You can't hide it if you mess up. Unless you decide that wearing a balaclava is a good idea when going outside, like when going grocery shopping. Generally that isn't received too well though.

My friend works for my favorite company Apple, his boss ranted Apple is about giving options.

I figured out some missing options in my iPhone X
Need to listen music: sorry can't plug in a headphone we removed that option 😉
Other phones have option to unlock through face or finger print (oops we removed one option)
No option to take a photo in 16:9 aspect ratio (4:3 only)
No option to change themes or layout to personalize your phone

Any positive thoughts on this option statement? If I missed some option examples 😅

Debugging, an art of detecting a crime which you may have done back in time with an urge to puch your own face after discovery.

So for the past 3 weeks I have been reporting that the development on X tickets has been completed and are deployed for testing.

Testers, fuck it we are not testing.
BA: yeah ok.

So nobody is testing.

And this Friday evening BA panics, starts emailing everybody, we need those items tested blah blah..

Now he is calling the testers over the weekend for testing 😂

And adds few more changes to requirements. (WTF)

Says:- He will also be testing over the weekend.

IT team :- Systems won't be working due scheduled maintenance. 😂😂 In your face BA

IT people best timing ever🤘

Hope he learns some prioritizing.

Not rant. Just a pathetic mumbling.

When you live your life hiding your true face, when you live your life keeping quiet because you don't wanna burden the loved ones, when you live your life giving others first priority...

Can you even say that you are living your life?

So, you are telling me that I should motivate myself? For working in a dead end job with no scope of promotion, no imminent raise, ever changing job requirements, layoffs, empty cubicles, zero SDLC process in place, no oversight from upper management, it is somehow my fault for me being late to work everyday?

One of these days, I'm going to fling my resignation paper at your face and drop the mic!

Man, Fuck you son!

Pet Peeve... If you are a creator, you are largely doing technical content, and the channel is not about your personality. Then I don't want to see your stupid face. I want to see technical info like text, graphics and block diagrams. I don't exactly know why this bothers me, but it does.

BITCH THE APPLICATION WORKS PERFECTLY FINE!!! ITS NOT MY FAULT THE DATA YOU GAVE ME WAS FUCKED UP LIKE YOUR BLOODY FUCKING FACE YOU SHIT HEAD COMPUTER ILLITERATE IN THIS DAY AND AGE SON OF A BITCH

Food and Programmers life:
Spaghetti —> My Code
Pizza —> We are spending the night working in the office
Power Drinks —> delivery date is tomorrow morning
Candy —> extra task
Coffee —> bug massage
Water —> wash your face, we have meetings in five minutes
Truffle —> fu** BlockChain
KitKat —> upgrade your phone please
Lollipop —> one more time please
Marshmallow —> do you like some Nougat?

If you don't know what clearing cache does to the state of the fatherfucking app then why do you fucking clear it? It fucking breaks the flow. Your maggot-infested ass is then coming up with his own explanation why you cleared the fucking cache. If you don't even have a cunt of an idea why we use the app's local storage, why do you fucking do it? You neanderthal rotten piece of sun-baked shit.

Hey, the app was taking to much time to send the request, so I cleared the app data. Now I have to login again and start over. Maybe check your fucking internet connection?

Fuck you. Fuck your cunt of a face. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCKING FUCK YOU.

!rant

Pro tip: if you wear a full face mask with a BiPap, do not start puking in your sleep.

Glad my body apparently decided to nope the hell out as soon as I started aspirating, but it was still a singularly unpleasant experience I hope never to repeat.

Thankful to still be alive.

YouTube is trying hard to shove their video suggestions into my face.

Video suggestions are on the watch page, inside the video player after playback, and even inside the embedded video player when paused.

Sorry, YouTube, I am not interested in your suggestions before I have even finished watching the current video!

typescript, I HATE you!

ME: Trying to extend Subject and override Subject.subscribe(PartialObserver<T>)

ME: export class MySubject<T> extends Subject<T> {
subscribe(obs?:PartialObserver<T>): Subscription {
return super.subscribe(obs);
}
}

ME: compile
TS: Compilation error! No such method to override!

ME: load the app -- ERROR

ME: recompile
TS: Compilation error! No such method to override!

ME: load the app -- works perfectly

:confusedjackie:

Make up your mind! So is that class compileable or not???
If not -- how the fuck does it work then???
If yes -- why the fuck do you yell in my face with all those errors???

"Programming is like magic!"... Magic that doesn’t work some of the time and laughs in your face while you try to find out why.

It's like a stab into your fucken heart when your coding competition entry gets rated "you did everything perfect! :) But it's not enough for the top 3. :(" with multiple minus points across different requirements bUT NO GOSH DARN EXPLANATION WHAT I DID WRONG. I PARTICIPATED TO TEST MYSELF AND LEARN SOMETHING, NOT GET PUNCHED IN THE FUCKEN FACE FOR NO REASON FFS MAN.

Encapsulate tasks
To abstract your case,
Full of the catharsis
And exceptions to face.

Didn't commit, oh wait,
More trouble? One reset.
We return and all hail
This programming mindset!

All of a sudden every engineer at my work is a biochemist and talking about how the world is ending due to the Coronavirus.

Shut up. Wash your hands. Wipe down your laptop keyboard. Don't lick your hands after touching a surface. Don't touch your face. Just be cautious.

Protip: proposing a "simple yet beautiful" login form on Bootsnip with absolutely no knowledge of Bootstrap whatsoever, making it not responsive and centering it with hardwritten margins (such as: 'margin-left: 170px'), AND THEN proudly display "theme developed by WhoGives AShit" at the bottom won't make you any publicity at best. At worst, I'm gonna travel to India and won't leave before I erased the code you wrote by smashing your face on the "erase" key.

Since it's a law to cover your face on all public transportation, with a modest fine if you fail to comply, suddenly everybody found their masks. (It was highly adviced before.)

I am here on devRant now for a while. Althought, reading amy of your stories and taking care of websites is not what I usualy tend to do, I started doing it as a favour for a friend of a friend.
Baaad bad decission :-(

"pls, dis is urgnt! uplood dis pics asap on page"
*mail notification*
*face palm 1* because who sends pictures by mail these days ... I like my 50MiB Inbox, dont spam it with garbage!
*opening mail - lists attachments: 1 file, ~900KiB* ok whats happening now?
*facepalm 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9* (10 if there still would be a face to palm on)

the person seriously send me the pictures in an attachment, within a pdf document that was created with MS Word.
No - Just NO!

I should have known better ... sooo much better :(

I read an article that says stress balls are far less effective for stress relief than punching your PM on the face.

They should have included a warning...

CTO: We can't keep getting egg on our face letting these simple mistakes through. We value your expertise, please speak up.
QA: This looks fucky, should it look this fucky?
*crickets*
Dev: That is dangerously fucky.
QA: Ticket time.
PM: Hey Dev, I know it's not your AOE, but I need to assign it, and you spoke on it so here's your ticket.
Dev: *dies inside*

Fucking frustrating piece of shit colleges. I’m fucking tired of losing face covering up your assess! Do your fucking job properly you mutherfuckin-piece-of-shit! Fucking full of excuses!! Own what you fucking do!!!

Your face when a whole new problem shows up.

Google wanted to be politically correct and gave faces different colors. But apparently using "black" or "asian" is a shame too so all of these emojies have same name.

This decision was very poor as it's hard to implement this duplicity in frontend so as always Devs choose easiest choice - just use the first one. And first one is always yellow...

Congrats on making whole lazy Dev world using your "correct" emojies enforcing only one face style.

Apple's idea of innovation - 2017: AR mapping your face to a poop emoji

Honestly, they shouldn't have bothered with this, and release something great next year.

When your customer calls you out and asks why "such and such" data wasn't copied over to the other two instances.

Then, thinking of course that it must be my fault: *research begins*

Reply to customer:
Your boss sent me an email that listed data points to *not* copy over, the item in question being one of them.

BAM!! ....developers: 1 customer: 0

Got some new coffee, Trung Nguyên from Vietnam. Now that's some in-your-face coffee! Strong and interesting taste, slight cocoa aftertaste. Only recommended for hardcore devs.

If your phone had taken photos of your face for your whole life without you knowing, would you watch a video that was automatically generated from the photos?

Best way to learn something new?

You keep repeating it wrongly until you are blue in the face, the whole world has gone red and the sweet release of death sounds favorable to your current dilemma.

Then, if you are lucky, you get it right out of the many many failed attempts.

But, what you have learned is far greater than getting it right once. You've learned many ways not to do it again.

P.M (calm) : You are not taking ownership of your works as others. You are only just doing it .

Me (concentrating face) : Inside -> I am fucking underpaid for a long and a month delay in salary. What the fuck are you expecting . You are saying this when you are about to give me a rise ?

With all this sexuality bullshit going on with devRant, it feels like covid all over again to me. We just rid of covid and now we face a couple of variants of it.
Keep your junk in your trunk and let the bullshit end

Some days I'm really not sure if I'm a developer or everybody's general problem solver because I'm an engineer and can think critically about your site configuration THAT YOU SHOULD BE ADMINISTERING YOURSELF!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

"Doesn't work, must be the dev."

Wrong. You misconfigured something and fucked it up. Figure it out yourself - actually read the error message right in front of your face - and don't waste my time.

Just started teaching my brother some programming. He is the type of guy that is always outside and almost never uses a computer.

So after teaching him a lot on dictionaries, ifs, etc. I ask him to make a dictionary app.

This is how he proceeds to name his variables:

var theOne = new Dictionary
var f***face = Console.ReadLine()

if (theOne.Contains(f***face)) {

var faffaf = Dictionary[f***face]
Console.Write(faffaf)

}

(Note this is simplified C#)

This is after I told him a few times that you should name your variables so others can understand what they are.

SHOCK CONTENT PROCEED WITH CAUTION

Star tattoos on knees means "I'll never be on my knees for cops", "I'll never do what cops say" in russian criminal culture. However, these tattoos are dangerous. Russian cops don't like them. If you're just arrived to a russian prison and they see the tattoos (and they see it), they tie your legs the way that makes you knees face the ground, then two cops hold you and drag you around the huge asphalt prison yard until there is no stars on your knees, only the naked kneecap bones or lack thereof.

I have to leave but it's psychologically hard because russia is the country that gaslighted and threatened me into becoming a slave. It's a stockholm syndrome and I want to break it.

Today has officially drained all the brain I didn't even have yesterday. Let's hope I get somewhere with this thing, or else all the brain I've wasted is going to be useless.

Also, fuck opencv's fisheye undistortion. Mofo, I don't have the camera params, how the fuck do you want me to give you your stupid kernel shit? Shut the fuck up from my face. Stupid hoebag.

... 😭😭😭😭😭

Just imagine sicknesses spreading through internet.

I mean real human sicknesses. Of course your laptop can’t generate aids, but hey, did you ever have a song stuck in your head, repeated infinitely? Memes, viral videos, modern pop music, it looks just like perfect delivery mechanisms.

Human brain is flawed and buggy, vulnerable to countless things like optical illusions, uncanny valley, nlp and others. It’s obvious that there is some audiovisual input sequence that may have arbitrary side effects.

We are towards invention of some precisely formed pieces of information that’ll damage your brain forever, maybe drive you insane so there’ll be no way back. Delivered via viral media straight to your brain, destroying it irreversibly.

Be ready to face the future.

WFH is nice, esp when you can spare a separate room for work at your house/apartment. VoIP is also not a problem, it's even better is several ways than the real thing, as you can chat with multiple people at the same time without dragging them off their desks. Even better - screen sharing sessions.

However, there's one thing I don't understand.Why would anyone do video calls? I mean.. why...? What's the point? If I'm on metered network I'll be charged extra only because I'll have to stream out my ugly face to people who don't want to see it and stream in all the other ugly faces I don't want to see. My voice will become laggy, I'll miss out on some details, and all that because of some completely unnecessary overhead.

So why would you want me to enable my webcam? And why do you feel the need to show your face to everyone else? Why is this necessary...?

"let's put an advert right next to the login/registration area so everyone can see the ads"

Thanks for reminding why I love adblock, how retarded you are and why you should never be allowed to touch ux/ui.

f your theory about users != customers.

Hope better ads standards slaps in your face, HARD

That moment when you're connected to a server to adapt a setting in the SSH service config and it errors into your face when you attempt to reload it.

Schrödinger's SHell 😰