Guy: "We just can't finish this in 1 month!"

Boss: "Yeah you can, I'll hire more people."

Guy: "... You know, a woman can deliver a baby in 9 months but 9 women can't deliver a baby in 1 month."

The moment an other team couldn't deliver for a deadline. CEO came to me, gave me 50 bucks told me to get a pizza and some hash and just work the night and deliver the damn app. So I did. Got a week holiday for free in return. One of the best guys I worked for.

How to ignore it and deliver your project :D

So my USB DVD drive needs more power than a normal USB port can deliver.
Normal Person: I'll bring it back to the store and get a diffrent one.

Me:

Who Is Who

➡ A Project Manager is the one who thinks 9 women🙍 can deliver a baby in 1 month.👶

➡ An Onsite Coordinator is the one who thinks 1 woman can deliver 9 babies in 1 month.👶

➡ A Developer is the one who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver 1 baby.🙇

➡ A Marketing Manager is the one who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and women are available.👷

➡ A Client is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a baby.👶

➡ A Tester is the one who always tells his wife that this is not the right baby. 🚶

Don't be shy.. Comment which 'who' are you..😂

when you only have 1 day to deliver the project ...

Client asks for redesign to look more like XYZ site.

I deliver a redesign to look more like XYZ site.

Client wants the site to look more like his old site. But different. Gives extensive instructions on how to design his website to his liking.

At some point, I think I'll be owing him money for his design/dev services, not the other way around.

What is it with these people?

We have new scrum master. First meeting together.

Project owner:
- I would give them time to wensday (2 days away) days to do migration
Manager:
- delivery is in Tuesday. can we have two teams to work on it so it will be done twice as fast?
Scrum Master:
- do you really think that if you get 9 women pregnant they would deliver you baby in a month?

Client's logic (stolen from the Facebook page "I love programming")

Just an observation. Researched this a bit and found out that usually people only thank dfox when posting swag thanks posts.

Just wanted to demand some justice for mr trogus who is the designer of said swag and give due appreciation!

Lets @trogus some to deliver the appreciation.

Eventually a self-driving car will deliver a dead person to their destination.

When i said i'll deliver a feature by end of the day, they thought it after 5. But what i really mean is 11.59pm

Under promise over deliver

When your school project team fails to deliver 3 times in a row because of their incompetency and they're the sole reason for your failing grades

My boss is technically my coworker.
I screamed my lungs out after it became clear that he didn't give a shit about employees that bring him money. After snatching all funds from a finished project on time, failing to deliver on the promise about bonuses (it's what I used to motivate employees to deliver the project on time), refusing to buy a new chair to replace the one held together by scotch tape and careful balancing, I decided to quit with maximum damage.

I screamed so that everybody would hear it. That encouraged another guy to get in with quitting, and within 1 month most of the team had quit, leaving the boss with a risk of lawsuits for prepaid contacts not delivered.

Knowing that piece of shit, he probably recovered and is treating other people badly, but at least every single person from the team experienced the biggest jump in careers straight after that.

Just last month we finished a big project for a client. The company had their lawyers make a contract to transfer ownership for the website to them.

One of the requirements was to deliver all code in a word file. And just that. In the whole contract was not a word about transfering the production environment to their servers. Or supplying a working version. The files and database. No just the word file.

As of today still wondering what they where planning to do with a word file with hunderds of pages of code.

Offcourse we deliverd a working version to their servers. But why are there people making decisions about things they understand nothing at all.

I wonder how would devRant send the mail with my MAC address? The hard way by tracking down my system having having the MAC address and deliver it to me?? 😂😂

DevRant is being unaware that we all are devs here 😂

"It is not UNIX’s job to stop you from shooting your foot. If you so choose to do so, then it is UNIX’s job to deliver Mr. Bullet to Mr Foot in the most efficient way it knows." - Terry Lambert

Always deliver the goods.

Even if who you work for are idiots, and the product is useless. You never know who will see what you've done.

- I did a six-month underpaid project for ShittyCompany.

- Strived to write it nice and clean with unit tests and good(barely) documentation.

- Got a call up a year later from a consultancy company who integrated with the application I wrote. Now I work for them, and it's as close to my dream job as I could hope for.

CHILD: But how can Santa deliver toys to every little boy and girl on his list in one night?
MEH: (laughs) It's quite simple. The items on Santa's list are called blocks, and each block in his "blockchain" typically contains a hash pointer, a timestamp, and transaction data...

You know what I realized we should always say no for demo driven application development.

We should always ask for enough time do a proper development and if its not enough, shouldn’t write a single line.

Because once we deliver a working demo. Its release ready for them because its FUCKING WORKING..

And trying to explain why this is just a demo and cant be put to production is even bigger pain in the ass than saying no in the beginning.

LESSON LEARNED .

Based loosely on the popular "git" command, I am happy to announce my new product, "hit"!

Essentially, hit hooks into "git blame" and automatically slaps the shit out of whoever wrote this garbage.

It uses SOHTTP (Slap Over HTTP) to deliver a nice firm wallop to any subpar script kiddie that had the audacity to come up with this bullshit.

Careful, the user is not immune to the effects

Start-up: hires 3 junior devs to save money.

Start-up: expects things to get done faster-- BUT-- Start-up keeps adding things to the TO-DO list and backlog-- i.e. it's all relative!!

Start-up: gets angry at 3 junior devs why they can't deliver when they keep adding tasks and ask we fall behind.

Dev team: "Seriously? You hire more devs to finish tasks faster, but you keep adding more than are being finiahed-- obviously it's gonna take longer now regardless"

Git --pull life together

"Debugging's actaully all about finding the bug, about understanding why the bug was there to begin with, about knowing that it's existence was no accident.It came to you to deliver a message."

-Elliot, Mr. Robot

Manager: how is the progress, can we deliver it by next week?
SACH: i am having trouble with MYSQL server.
Manager: if yours is not working, take someone elses, i will talk to them
SACH: 😐

Recipe: "baked developer"

you will need:

- 1 day = 1 story point
- 10SP per sprint
- every team member must deliver all the SPs.

Now for every sprint slap on 20+ hours of mandatory meetings, mix with 2-5 days of ad-hoc tasks, which must be addressed, because they are blocking the release/other teams/prod, and make sure all the devs try not to spill no matter what, and you get a perfectly burned out team.

Brittle/crispy on the outside, mashed/soft on the inside

enjoy!

So, more people = more effective?

Let's see how you can deliver a baby with 9 women with only 1 month

P. S:Good luck with that!!

That moment when your project managers think hiring 3 new developers will deliver their project 3x faster.

Having a boss who thinks he is an artist, designer, programmer, manager, salesman, pr manager, devops engineer and every project lead at the same time, never trusted anyone and reassigned tasks twice a day regardless of what you were working on right now. He was also unable to explain what he wanted or to set any meaningful goals. He also told customers we/he could do everything. One time, when we never made an app before, he accepted to deliver an iOS app within 1 week. ONE WEEK. THATS FIVE DAYS.

You know the feeling when you deliver exactly what the requirement was and there were no more iterations and changes to those requirements after that??

No..?? Me neither..

Project manager(noun) - an individual who believes nine women can deliver a baby in one month .

Most coders think debugging software is about fixing a mistake. But that’s bullshit. Debugging is actually all about finding the bug, about understanding why the bug was there to begin with. About knowing that its existence was no accident. It came to you, to deliver a message, like an unconscious bubble floating to the surface, popping with a revelation you’ve secretly known all along.
-Mr Robot

PM asked us to skip the unit test and just deliver untested application to SIT environment due too tight timeline. But when there are defects raised by tested, PM asked why got bugs and asked us to fix them immediately while we have to develop other new features at the same time.

It happened 2 nights ago.
We had a whatsapp project for the distributed application programming class, my project mate and me were coding for 2 weeks whole day to finish it, especially with the end-to-end encryption feature that teacher asked, till 2 nights ago the project was trash, the private chat wasn't working and and nothing else is done we had only the UI, we was really doomed especially we had 1 more day to deliver the software, and we decided to deliver the project as a trash and get marks from the UI and the presentation.....
Till the night before deadline at 8 pm
I wanted to try fix some interface pictures and to make it better......
The next thing it was 6 am and the project is full working..
When I told my project mate he was not believing, I had to swear multiple times fot him and hat to go and show him the project by the eye.
We delivered the prohect and got 22/25 😁😁😁
It was incredible I didn't believe my self at first place.
Sory for the long story 😓.

If your only experience is Uni, don't put skills down as 'Advanced' on your damn CV

Lower expectations, deliver results

Who the fuck had the idea to deliver the driver for an external optical drive on a DVD?!

Hell no!

Always under promise and over deliver

Product owner: "I want these 6 epics delivered in 12 months"
Me: "can't to that with 2 devs, need more"
PO: "how many?"
Me: "can't say, you haven't spec'd them"
PO: "how do you know 2 devs can't deliver them?"
Me: "educated fucking estimations you fucktrumpet - at least 2 of them look like 6 month projects for 2 devs, so you need to pay for more resource!"

Overheard my boss speaking at the pantry.
He tells the sales to promote to potential buyers that our product will only take 2 days to setup but actually the dev team has been alloted 2 weeks.

How the in fuck could we deliver 2 weeks worth of effort in 2 days!? WTF boss. Fuck you, and your double chin. I am tired of your shit.

When your boss removed you from the team because he found a better developer that can deliver a task faster than you. Then after a week, he asked you for help and if you want to work for him again because the developer that he replaced to your position can't solve their problem.

Definition: project manager.

A person who believes nine women can deliver a baby in one month...

Best co-worker? One of my team who was cut from the same cloth. I could ask him to do anything without giving a how-to. I could then carry on with my work knowing he would deliver on time and at least as good as I would have done. We've been mates ever since.

Everything is a fucking priority.

According to the management, everything should be done yesterday already.

Gave me a single designer and developer while asking asking me to deliver long term and short term initiatives at the same time.

Morons.

Been assigned to the team by management.

Management and I both know team members are junior/early-medium levels.

Management expects outcome.

After few weeks I clearly communicated that these engineers are unreliable. I can grow and coach them, but outcomes can't be guaranteed.

I was told it's my responsibility to deliver outcome anyway.

I was told they know it's unfair - but if whole team fails, it's on me to fix everything.

And most importantly: of course IT IS NOT MANAGEMENT FAULT OF ASSEMBLING TEAM OF WEAK ENGINEERS.

... placing me there should fix it "somehow"

- hire a new Dev.
- not burnout this year
- work less, deliver more
- start a open source side project and make it production ready

Stand up... Walk away...

The Coding Gods will deliver the answer to you when you are ready to receive it.

Client : We need this feature

Team lead : Sure, we will deliver this to you in 3 days.

Meanwhile Teamlead forgets to work on it or assign it to anyone in the team while he was surrounded by many other tasks.

Client on 2nd day morning : What's the progress on that feature?

Teamlead to Client: It's going fine, we will deliver it to you on time.

Meanwhile, Teamlead to a junior developer in the team (on 2nd day afternoon): We have this priority feature where we need to finish it in one day and deliver it tomorrow!

Junior Dev to Teamlead : This is too much of work to complete it in 1 day, it atleast needs 3 days!

Teamlead to Junior dev : I don't care, can't talk, busy, just complete the work and deal with the client, bye.

And the Junior dev continues to struggle where he is unknown of the fact that the task actually was of 3 days but just because the Teamlead forgot to do the task and also to assign the task early, he is in trouble!

Worst part of being a dev?

THERE'S A NEW FREAKIN FRAMEWORK EVERYDAY.

Where are we supposed to get time to learn everything the job applications require? And even worst, have 2 years of experience with the thing?

And how about when developing a responsive dynamic website? If you are crazy, like me, and you are the kind of dev that always wants to deliver something great, customized to the needs of your client, and that doesn't smell bootstrappy, you probably can't stand too when people ask you about time guesstimates. Especially when you are the ONLY DEV in your company.

Also, our gear is EXPENSIVE.

Sorry, I guess I'm stressed... Had to bring some work home, due to the bosses deciding to deliver a project one week early to the client, without consulting me first.

Still, luckily for me, all this bullshit can't take my love of coding away.

Embarrassing moment:

Needed to deliver apk urgent urgently​ for push notification testing. I was unable to receive push token. Code is right in every way. Couldn't figured out in 15min. Lead comes to my seat and asks what's issue. And hey suddenly I figured it out. It was my wifi closed.. Bullshit 😬😠

So you give the project to someone else, overlooking me. They fail to deliver and now you're going to reassign it to me to fix and deliver? #sloppyseconds

Client asks for website and budget very low and wants a form with dB. Think WordPress site is a solution. Build site.
Deliver site.
Client's IT team unable to deploy on server. They blame me for bad "code".
I have to go to their office and help them deploy on local machine using WAMP.
2 days and 100s of calls later, website installed on test server. Works fine.
All is well

PSA:
Next time you plan on changing all your model names from "xxxxx" to "xxxxxModel", under a minor version bump so that everyones CI breaks, in order to deliver no benefit whatsoever ..... don't

I think I'm falling in love. With TDD.

I used to be very skeptic about it. You know, the usual reasons: it takes longer to deliver, constant "flow" interruptions, etc, etc. But ever since I've tried it I'm nothing but happy about my choice :)

I'm moving forward, I'm not making any regressions, I'm no longer afraid to make any changes in my code as I know tests will show what exactly I break,.. And most importanty, I have all use-cases with corner-cases defined and "explained" in the code... No more do I have to search in Confluence for how this exact scenario should behave. Everything is here. Everything's in the tests.

It's amazing!

Yeah, it DOES take longer to deliver so if you're hardcore Agile living by "Ship it as soon as it compiles" TDD might be too slow. But if you prefer knowing when your code is covering all the use cases w/o any errors -- TDD is the way.

Fuck all managers who expects us to deliver a completely new feature before the holidays when in reality it would take thrice the time left until everyone is on vacation. Fuck them all with a cactus.

Boss quoted Yoda today, to my answer to if I would be able to deliver today a freaking huge project I've been working on, 14 days before the rescheduled deadline I was given, just because the client is pissed with them.

Client wants to deliver August 1st. Bust our butts to make the deadline. Changes the entire layout on July 29th and still expected 8/1 release. Blames us for missing the deadline.

Getting tired of certain co-workers under-delivering. They commit an entire release to one feature and my team plans our release expecting we'll be able to use his changes by the end and then on the last day of development he decides more testing is needed and it won't be finished until next release. Come on, man!

Boss reasoning: 9 woman can deliver a baby in one month.

My response: 9 man cum in your mother pussy and she delivered you in one month too.

welp, I said that just in my mind of course 🤐

Isn't it disturbing that all major operating systems disrespect the computer's ability to do things? Everyone is becoming a walled garden, and people are increasingly developing and limited languages that consume more resources than they deliver value. Today VisualStudio on a corei7 is less performant than a Delphi 5 running on a Pentium 166mhz.

Much of its processing, energy and carbon emissions are used to display ads that "interest you".

Well, thank you *BSDs, Linux (except Ubuntu) and Illumos, for continuing to respect my computer's capabilities.

I'm studying Software Engineering. Fuck me, right?

Next week I have 3 exams, and I have to deliver the implementation of a Red&Black Tree and a AVL Tree (+ GUI in Swing) by Wednesday. Oh, and also, 5 small systems in C.

I don't know how the FUCK will I survive, but I will.

Aren't the spirits of the two mottos the same?

"72-10 don't mean a thing without the ring!"
&
"It's null till you ship it."

We had all hands on developer meeting. There were 2 interesting bullet points:
- deliver fast
- make quality applications

I mean, these two points are not correlated 🙈

Got this in my mail, so I placed a bid to deliver for $10 in 24 hours. Wish I could insert a smaller amount.

Client:
We want you to use the code you used 3 years ago to deliver a similar feature for a different company and then it means we can do this properly because you can just copy and paste it for our needs.. we can pay you a few dollars but we really know what we need so the cost should be very small.

Me:
What the fuck.

I have some how managed to put my self in a Software Architect role with a salary of a Junior developer, My team, who are even more junior as a swath of fresh grads are looking up to me to design this project. I am doubting my abilities and am worried I am going to under deliver, how am I ever going to learn this. Stressed.

"As a leader, you should lead by example and work every day, every hour, give 150% for the dream of the company! We are detecting that people aren't giving everything to us, so you should be harder on everyone else to ensure we can deliver!
Also, your 1:1 meetings with the team should be on the Sundays to avoid spending company time on feedbacks. There is no time to feedback if you need to deliver things!"

Fuck right off with that. Will beatings continue until morale improves? Maybe seniority will arise from the gashes of the lashes on the interns.

Got a client who Always delays payment (~2weeks) and is rude and ignores me after I deliver. As a freelancer and Student I rely on the money and on my time. So I will deliver tomorrow the next project, guy promised he will pay on monday, but I count with weeks again. I have developed a locking mechanism so I can lock the whole Software from my Cloud in case he wont pay on time. What do you guys think?

Asking to deliver a project in a week which should have all the functionalities of Airbnb. Best part is to do that with 200$ budget 😡😡😡

Was told I need to code so it will be ie8 compatible. I guess there going to want me to get out my feather and ink and saddle up the horse to deliver info as well.

We are soo sorry we missed you last Saturday night a bit before eleven.
We will try again to deliver your parcel, another day (or night).

Maybe. Maybe not.

Management : We need to deliver this by September!!!

Meanwhile every dev took 2-3 weeks of vacation in August.

My manager from Germany says, "We have a saying in Germany. If you buy cheap, you buy twice. We must adapt it as, If you deliver fast, you must deliver twice". Scenario, faulty code delivery without checking the need of adoption work items.

IT Definitions of Designations

Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.

HR Manager is a person who thinks that...a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months

We are the 31, it is 00:54, I have a full specification to deliver on the 1rst at 00:00, and there is only half of it done.

Wish me luck for my doc New Year Eve

For the past two years, I worked my balls off to deliver a project that eventually went live months ago.

But boss announced that no bonus is going to be paid because project got delayed.

Its not even my fault that project got delayed because customer cannot confirm requirements and keep changing.

All of my assigned tasks were also met on time, if not earlier.

Always under-promise and over-deliver when you're dealing with non-techie clients. Always.

Client: we want X.
Dev: Quote for X.
Client: We only want to pay x.
Dev: Requote for x.
Client: approved x.
Dev: Deliver x.
Client: where is X we asked for X.

... perspective of project scope matters.

Client: "When can you deliver this feature, so we can move on?"

Me: "Well, by the end of the week could be feasible."

Client: "Perfect!"

Me at the end of the week: "It is finished."

Client: "Thanks!"
Client proceeds to not use the feature for over 3 months.

- Be me
- Been in a new job for 2 months
- Was excited because of 50% salary increase and better position

- Have a new team of 6 devs including me. All new guy
- Market crash
- Top management demands a trim down to all divisions
- Will be left to 3 devs next month

- All the while being asked to
- Deliver a shopify like marketplace from end to end
- Deliver integration with partners for data inventory tracking
- All within 2 months

- Furious when target is not met
- Demands a micro management to every single person on the team on what their day to day schedule
- Demands everybody to live by hustle culture and ready to work non stop even nights or weekend

- Be me
- Been working non stop for at least a month
- Sacrificed weekends and holidays

Beginning to think that maybe the money and position isn't worth the hassle

!rant

Hey guys!!! just signed up... but have been coming here everyday for the last few weeks.. it feels awsome to be here guys... :D
Gotta deliver part of a project tomorrow, soo... back to coding

Best xp : dev on new tech

Worst xp : being pressured to deliver something out of that new tech over a very short period

I had to buy a mobile printer for my company for an "emergency" for a demo. I sent my boss 3 prices and he just said "go get it, we'll pay you back." After I deliver the features my boss says "Just take it back and demand a refund" this made me feel like such a douche with the supplier, plus I had to pay a 15% handling fee.

I'm fucking tired. We have to deliver everything quickly and perfectly to a bunch of hienas that don't care how we do our job and won't stop complaining about us to our bosses, even though we do what they ask. we're not being given the proper tools to work and other teams in the company are a pain to work with, cause they'd rather sabotage us instead of cooperate. I'm fucking sick of this job

Luv this fake email I received yesterday, didn't know Microsoft used DPD to deliver their emails lol!!!

You probably know the "marshmellow experiment": have one marshmellow now, or delay the gratification by some time, then get two. What the experiment is supposed to measure is something like intelligence or impulse control.

Hot take: what it also measures, and much more so when it comes to reality, is trust. If I don't trust the other side to be both able and willing to deliver on the promise later, I will rather secure the smaller reward right now.

Holy shit did Google become fucking useless

Today I spent a good hour looking to buy replacement / low-light lenses for my googles, and all I got were stores from US, or small stores that don't deliver across the Europe. When I gave up and opened Bing, the first result was the exact product I was looking for, from the brand's official EU store. I'm seriously considering switching to Bing now...

My only nemesis are sales people.
* They try to sell the impossible to the customer.
* They think even the biggest change takes only some minutes to implement, and tests do not even exist.
* They promise to deliver an app within half the time which means we have to cut out animations or some tests to deliver when due.
* They often get a commission (sometimes not as part of profit but revenue!) for calling their pals and asking them if they wanna buy something new (some say they also take the risk, but they don't, the company does).

There may be exceptions, but my perceived ratio between good and bad sales is about 1/20.
Now I am in a very small company with only one sales guy. Guess what, he is a good one! I hope he stays forever.

Dear customer, disregarding the bullshit your agency has dumped into Figma, I hereby deliver a clean, minimalist, and usable website without carousel sliders, chatbots, call-to-action teasers for newsletter signup, and muted auto-play videos consuming your end users' bandwidth.

One day you will understand and be grateful, too!

!rant

Upper management finally caved in to the endless change requests from business and explicitly made the following statement:

"We won't overpromise and under-deliver. With that, we are reducing the committed scope of development work per sprint, but will continue to deliver the same final deliverables by the delivery dates"

So all our compressed project timetables just got uncompressed, and we finally have the breathing room we've been begging for since 2017. Any change requests from business will be (finally) backlogged.

On the other hand, the number of projects have increased to fill out the new extra dev time, but at least we're now less stressed at work. Priorities!

I've been working on a proof of concept for my thesis for a few days and the async query calls drove me nuts for quite a while. I finally managed to deliver all query results asynchronously while still very much relying on a strong architectural design pattern. I am filled with caffeine, joy and a sense of pride and accomplishment.

Oxford Dicktionary: A Project Manager is simply a person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

PM: "Please try to prioritize this request that we made last Friday at 5pm over all your other high priority stuff we know you're busy and we should have requested this 3 months ago... but now we need to deliver next week and well we need it"

5 minutes later "When can you deliver that?"
Another 5 minutes later "Sorry can you give me that delivery date? We REALLY need it"

Well maybe if you leave me in peace and I can concentrate on my job rather than answering silly requests I can make up an idea of how much time I need to deliver... but of course I'm just a code monkey, I press some randome keys and the magic happens.

Went to IIT Bombay techfest. This is my favourite product. It's built to deliver you beer while you are enjoying in pool.

I guess I've just got the ideal dev job. Working from home, with nice people in my team and enough time to deliver quality work.

Tomorrow is friday and I have to deliver five big releases for two projects, because they were scheduled this week. And afterwards I'm gone for vacation.

And I don't care the slightest little bit.

Worked on a team where every single sprint planning was a useless meeting because we were expected to deliver everything in the backlog every sprint. So what are we really planning?

"Getting me up to speed" apparently consists in a 20 minute-long demo on a project I've never heard of with a technology I don't know.

Then I'm supposed to deliver the v2 of that piece of work in a timely manner 😰

CW:"We need this."
ME:"It'll take me some time to do. When do we need it by."
CW:"Yesterday."
ME:"Awesome, that's my favorite day to deliver."

End user when criticizing a developer for 'taking long' to create something of value from scratch:
(4 hours later): "What's taking you so damn long? Are you retarded?"

Oh I don't know, maybe I have to make sure that tests in my code run well, maybe I have to evaluate everything to meet the custom satisfactions of the user for his ever-so-custom requirements and I also have to make sure I discard what they don't like? And maybe it takes time to deliver a quality product, and so on?
Or would you prefer I deliver an untested product that I didn't bother to think about and I haven't bothered to make sure it matches with their requirements?

What end users don't understand is the involvement in a quality product.

My new favourite quote...

"I can't be the only one worried about the deadline"

By boss speakign ot my team who is expected to deliver 6-8 months worth of work in 5 weeks time...

Too bad he does not know he IS the only one worried, when you going to miss a deadline by that much when you never agreed to it in the first place, have not seen a single API and the scope is still actively changing and lets not forget we have no DevOps yet...
why the fuck would you worry...

Soo...

What happens when self driving cars are used to deliver drugs (you know drug trafficing)

That moment when you have to deliver a project and you get dragged to a smashing full moon beach party. Well...bring on the vodka. Life is life.

who pops open a 500ml can of energy drink at 01:00 am because we have 3 websites to deliver on Thursday? We do 😎

The best part of being a dev is that no matter how long you take to solve a problem, you know that even after a whole night of solving issues it will be worth the effort because you will deliver a functional product and there is no best feeling.

*client comes to us "please take care of our app, it's ugly and the previous devs made it all buggy, especially the Android version"
*we write code, analyze bugs, fix them, QA them
*we deliver a preview
*client only looks at the iOS app, doesn't give a flying fuck to the Android app

Another unrealistic deadline from our non-software developer PM.
He agreed to client upon delivery of a complete system consisting of 4 micro-services in Node and 4 front-end Angular application integrated with each micro-service accordingly.

Project Delivery date is December 31. I have told him It is impossible to deliver complete solution on December 31.
Now he wants me & my team to come to office even on weekends.
What an idiot !

When you deliver that feature after the deadline and the client doesn't care anymore.

Client: Hey guys! Let us start a bunch of projects that are all dependent on each other and expect them to deliver those on time.

Me: WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

There was a project discussed and the agreed deadline was 4 months. And the next morning we got an email that we need to deliver that in a week with absolutely no change in requirements.

Colleague: We need to deliver it today so let's hardcode some values in the code to make it work
Me: Ok you do it. I don't even want to see it!

Overhearing your boss pitch the application you're currently working on to a client as an effort to save them from leaving, only to also hear him list features that were never discussed as part of the application launch.

Big thanks to any dev who tries hard to deliver, also Merry Christmas peeps!

Mary Christmas to all of you and remember not to connect to production when you’re drunk.

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen

-Management puts unrealistic deadline as usual-

_Tries his best but fails to deliver on time_

*Puts a clearly visible bug in code*

~Tester finds it and creates a issue~

*Solves the issue, wraps up the remaining things and closes the issue*

**Wakes up from dream, cuz he is the tester as well**

When you've been busting your balls and finished a ton of work and somebody who can't deliver 1% of your work implies you don't work hard enough... Grrrrrrrr!!!!

!dev :(

I am cleaning, disinfecting, bagging and sealing produce and deliver it in survival packs so people don't need to get out of their houses.

The country is in total lockdown, people are strongly encouraged to stay at home.
Bars, social activities and whatnot are closed.

Only excuse to be outside is to be buying groceries or going to the hospital.
Supermarkets only allow 1 person per household, so.

My classmate had a really shitty computer and all of the sudden it crashed and holy shit she panicked so much because she was supposed to deliver an apparently really important task and shit and then she decided to buy a fucking macbook pro and she doesnt know shit about it. And now she is so cocky that she cant shut the fuck up abou tit

I need some advice here... This will be a long one, please bear with me.

First, some background:
I'm a senior level developer working in a company that primarily doesn't produce software like most fast paced companies. Lots of legacy code, old processes, etc. It's very slow and bureaucratic to say the least, and much of the management and lead engineering talent subscribes to the very old school way of managing projects (commit up front, fixed budget, deliver or else...), but they let us use agile to run our team, so long as we meet our commitments (!!). We are also largely populated by people who aren't really software engineers but who do software work, so being one myself I'm actually a fish out of water... Our lead engineer is one of these people who doesn't understand software engineering and is very types when it comes to managing a project.

That being said, we have this project we've been working for a while and we've been churning on it for the better part of two years - with multiple changes in mediocre contribution to development along the way (mainly due to development talent being hard to secure from other projects). The application hasn't really been given the chance to have its core architecture developed to be really robust and elegant, in favor of "just making things work" in order to satisfy fake deliverables to give the customer.

This has led us to have to settle for a rickety architecture and sloppy technical debt that we can't take the time to properly fix because it doesn't (in the mind of the lead engineer - who isn't a software engineer mind you) deliver visible value. He's constantly changing his mind on what he wants to see working and functional, he zones out during sprint planning, tries to work stories not on the sprint backlog on the side, and doesn't let our product owner do her job. He's holding us to commitments we made in January and he's not listening when the team says we don't think we can deliver on what's left by the end of the year. He thinks it's reasonable to expect us to deliver and he's brushing us off.

We have a functional product now, but it's not very useful yet and still has some usability issues. It's still missing features, which we're being put under pressure to get implemented (even half-assed) by the end of the year.

TL;DR
Should I stand up for what I know is the right way to write software and push for something more stable sometime next year or settle for a "patch job" that we *might* deliver that will most definitely be buggy and be harder to maintain going forward? I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle in trying to write good quality code in lieu of faster results and I just can't get behind settling for crap just because.

Fuck PL/SQL. Fuck Oracle. They're so big they can afford to deliver the most user-unfriendly experience i've ever seen.

Best: finishing 20+ tasks in one day... felt like I had no tasks on my list
Worst: I had to deliver twice the size the next day

How my day went.

Project Manager: We need deliverable X.

Me: That's not listed.

PM: But we need it. Other PM says what you provided isn't enough.

Me: Too bad. I was not told to deliver it.

PM2: We need deliverable X.

Me: Look at the requirements. It is not there. I'm not providing it.

PM2: We need it. Let me ask PM3.

PM3: We need deliverable X.

Me: No. It's not listed. And here's why it's not even applicable.

PM3: Oh....ok

Novice seeking advice, how do you indie/solo dev guys manage your time and productivity to stay clear on what to prioritize and deliver faster ?

I finally got my new Smartphone after going there personally to the courier

Seriously the couriers were lazy piece of shits and they can't even deliver to my address when it's perfectly valid.

Like couriers from my local PO and from Lazada/Taobao can even get to my house, what the fuck

Leave the house for 30 fucking minutes and the courier attempts to deliver my new notebook just then---after four days in transit. And, of course, they don't deliver at the weekend.

I swear the guy was camped outside my house waiting to fuck me over.

Most incompetent worker?

I had this coworker who doesn’t do jack shit in the morning shift (10am - 12nn).
Taking long breaks, like staying at cafeteria and chatting. Always on company IM talking about gossips. Reading manga online and shit.

I wouldn’t be complaining about that if this coworker can deliver. But no! Only has to do 1 module, it took almost a month for this person to finish. Always doing overtime without an ounce of progress. Siphoning the budget of the project. Everyone on our team were doing overtime trying to deliver function after function, modules after modules. Every other parts were finished except this person’s task. Took over it, done for a week. Told my project leader, transfer this person or you’ll see other core members leaving.
Person got transferred. Everyone felt like they had a massive load off their shoulder.

When there are employers that assign you a "test" (low payment) to prove your skills and after you successfully deliver it, he wants to "test" you on another assignment...

I spent 4 days working on a new feature of our program. A real pain in the ass! Even did a few hours of overtime.

This morning I go to my boss to tell him about a performance problem I was trying really hard to solve, but couldn't still totally remove...

His answer: "Don't bother with that! Our client is not going to use it. They simply forgot to remove it from their request. So we are going to deliver it so they will have to pay us!"

FFFFFUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!

Happy birthday to my self. Away from my family and friends, alone in the city alone in the office pushing keys on keyboard to deliver the project.

It's been very difficult year for me, both physically and mentally.

I hope next year will be better than this.

Fuck you 2019.

PS: birthday and end year selfish.

I would say my biggest insecurity is not getting (enough) useful straightforward feedback from my boss about how I work.
I have a tendency to take a bit longer than others, but deliver code that rarely has to be fixed.
Some of it may appear overengineered but it really isn't... I just like it clean and not hacky.
There are times my boss seems like telling me subconciously that I take too long for my stuff, but then again, he is really happy when we deliver a big thing to a customer and it just works, without any bugs or negative feedback.
It sometimes drives me nuts. 😅

No matter how much I try my boss keeps trying to shove future or unsolicited features on every fucking current sprint as if we weren't delayed already...

Wtf dude? We get paid by delivery, let's just fucking deliver what they expect by each deadline and move on...

Was in a meeting with the execs and the boss singles me out and asks me where is this functionality at. I told him the dev working on it will have it ready today. He goes no no no this needs to happen now. I am speechless have no idea how to tell him this employees are working very hard and is doing the very best with the limited time we had. I personally was up at midnight coding to deliver on time. That was the start of my bad day ... crap just pilled on :/

Most coders think debugging software is about fixing a mistake, but that’s bullshit. Debugging’s actually all about finding the bug, about understanding why the bug was there to begin with, about knowing that its existence was no accident. It came to you to deliver a message, like an unconscious bubble floating to the surface, popping with a revelation you’ve secretly known all along.

-Mr Robot

Client just said to me "we'll give you a 'speed' payment to deliver the website faster, you just charge us what you think is right". WTF!

Blank cheque time... :)

Giving up expectations of people.

People don't know what the fuck they want, so what made me think they could actually deliver anything? Idk, but it doesn't matter now, my life has been easier since I stopped caring.

A client asks me to produce a Release note when publishing a new version, which is more than fair ask, I shall deliver.

Then he asks me questions on the version's feature which are clearly described in the release note, with examples, showing he did not bother to read it..............

...

I've always heard about the "if one woman can deliver a baby in 9 months, 9 can do it in a month" situation people got in. But my bos just quoted that to me since we are stuck on deadlines.

My laptop is so bad it can't even run chrome auditing and deliver accurate results... :(

So I am working on a cloud app, Angular on the frontend and NestJS with heavy AWS dependency at the backend. I took my time to learn the stack and I have a couple of years of experience with each piece involved.
Since I am a Level 1 developer, management thought (and I felt same way) it would be nice for me to work with a couple of Level 3 devs.

Well, they hired Level 3 devs:
- a senior Java developer who never touched AWS, any kind of frontend or Typescript
- a senior c++ dev with the same “never touched” as above

And guess what? I have to train them both in Angular, Typescript etc. Kinda defeats the whole purpose of L3, “they will help you to deliver stuff fast”, and adds load on me (I am already a shared resource on 3 teams).
Oh, and yeah, management already promised to release the app by the end of the year and so far I am the only capable and functional developer on the team who has to deliver everything.

I had so much hope for new hiring cycle lol

My companies policy , you do your work better and you will do the work of everything other fucker who is not able to deliver in time .

😠😠

I made 60 lines of modern, clean, multi threaded, optimized python3 code to deliver data from GIT to IBM ClearCase, on old Windows VM, hundreds of files (CC is file-based version control, every file has it's own change)

This calls for sauna today to definitely get rid of this dirt :)

And they said devops is all around docker nowadays :)

I hate giving estimates, especially for projects when you hardly know the codebase. But yet everybody expects you to deliver everything and everything on time.
Just get off my back maybe then I can actually finish something.

Thank you for listening. <3

Good morning, can you imagine why my mailserver can't deliver mails to some email-addresses? For example I can't sent mails to Hotmail, Freenet, Yahoo, Outlook and see more...

i had to deliver roughly 250 gb of data. after two days he received it. on a hard drive. by parcel service.
sending it online it would have been done by the next but two weeks. what a brave new world. (still better that uruguay)

Just realized my next comback to PM:
No, we can't deliver yet, we need further testing before we are ready. I mean we don't want to end up in a situation similar to exploding batteries right?

Objective-C is an awful programming language that nobody should ever use for anything.
Also you dont know how important unit tests are until you have to deliver an enterprise level application without them.
Biggest one Ive learned recently, managers will promise you the earth to keep you around as long as possible, and they will go back on every promise and call it a "change in priority"

Crawling out of my shell and taking control of my own work. Colleagues were surprised because I'm a very quiet person.

Sales can promise all they want, I decide when we're done. Taking the time to train my peers and learning from them. Communicating with everyone in a way to get things done. Get involved with other departments to see if processes can be optimized. Manage the customer's expectations (under-promise, over-deliver) Taking over this damn company to be more efficient!

How to conduct yourself in a job interview
Simple test"Write a for loop".
First, write some nonsense bullshit for twenty minutes. Then, when you realize time is up, pass to the next question. After write more nonsense bullshit in SQL and jQuery, it's time to breath fast and panic.
Deliver your exam.
Pack your stuff and go to a cave where nobody ever will find you, cry the next three years and commit to a life of self punishment, shame and tears.
That's how you nail a job interview, suckers.

Just a random thought.. instead of sending stickers (or the stress ball for that matter) from USA to someone in India, why can't there be distributed 3D printing services spread across the globe, so that it's just a matter of delegating the delivery to local deliver services in the country/city? Sounds like an idea? 🤔

my first job is in a brand-new team, all team mate other than the manager are new grads from colleges. we r so engaged and dedicated our efforts to deliver something. and one day one of our team mate decided to resign due to family issues, we try our best throw him a farewell party, it is so emotional. now I have worked in a couple of teams, the spirit could not found after then.

Last Thursday, project owner insisted that the module I was working on to be ready for testing this Monday(though the supposed deadline is next week).
Went to work on a day off to deliver it as requested. Monday came. Monday went. No testing started. Project owner was on leave.
Now he's asking if we can start with the testing.
Hope I have laser beam eyes so I can toast him. -_-

I promised to deliver a project in 10 days.....it's due end of day on Monday, I have worked through me entire weekend from morning to evening...i was happy to be done....then a fucking bug came out of freaking nowhere and pushed a broom stick up my ass....am now heading to sleep feeling violated hoping to pull a comeback from where the stick was pushed in

So us Aussies are about to literally be forced into using NBN soon (for people who aren't Aussies, NBN would be worse than using a log of shit as your ethernet cable) and having all ADSL connections cut off... Fan fucking tastic!

They can barely keep the NBN up and running for one day and can barely deliver promised speeds but nooooooooooooooooooooo, everyone must fucking use it...

I'm starting to get bored at work. Every fucking day is the same. I receive a design. I code that design ( aka I'm modifying the framework developed by me ). I deliver the frontend. I think that anyone with no programming experience can do my work now.

slacked off on friday on something i had to deliver. did it today in about two hours just to get done with it. motivation is weird

"we're gonna start doing WordPress for a lot more customers, to deliver faster. Not debatable. "

Fuck that shit, I'm off to another employer.

Fuck start ups with large projects with no continous integration setup on git... and very many junior devs including the CTO(Not even a googling guru).... for fucks sake we cant deliver spaghettis as iF we are coding a restauRANT... fuck this shit load of a project....

So when are all of you going to admit that React.js is useless? It's awful and miserable and doesn't do anything it promises to.

It's not faster to write code, it's not cleaner, it's not easier, it's just a ton of boilerplate and it can't even handle simple animations.

If Facebook didn't create it, everyone would think it's ridiculous and stupid.. Because it is.

Stop trying to be cool and just fucking deliver fucking business value.

I hate infrastructure prima-donnas. "Prove the thing you haven't built yet won't use too many resources!"
Seriously, buddy, get a real job. Provisioning hardware is a software problem now. Help or get out of the way so we can deliver.

We had to finish a student project, our project leader had done some work on the project before and his algorithm to detect an event was complete bullcrap.
I took it in my hands to rewrite the algorithm with the risk that it doesn‘t work and i hadn‘t done any work i could show, which would result in a bad grade.

Luckily my algorithm worked better in orders of magnitude and we managed to deliver on time

Have a issue to deliver today, Xcode start to act weird...

Ok let's just quit Xcode and open again...

"Xcode can't be opened while updating"

Fuck no! Who gave you permission for that, stop! Stop!

Hmm.... boss won't like this

Most difficult part is to work with company where all senior admins are from sales. They never f*cking idea about developers problems.

Just give time to end user customer before 3 month schedule. and now thinking, we can do 3 months working in 4 days.

The sales people think nine women can deliver a baby in just One month. just pushing me to hire new developers.

Is it OK to bludgeon the noisy, moaning, constantly negative 'devs' sitting opposite (and who deliver nothing) with my chair?

Working in the government debugging usually starts with “have you tried it in IE? If yes, try it in something else. If no, try it in IE.”

Oh 2024 please deliver us from this hellscape which the heathens before me have wrought.

I saved my uni work onto a floppy disk (2001) and walked a mile into university library to print it. When I got there and put it into the computer it had corrupted and the disk was unreadable! Luckily I had a back up on my computer so had to walk the mile back, saved again onto two different floppy disks this time and walked the mile back. This time I managed to print it and deliver the work 5 minutes before the deadline.

If I ever get asked to write code in C for a contract again. I am going to use the llvm C++ to C compiler. Then deliver the machine generated C code to them.

Rant

I was given a project to lead and develop with 2 other team members by the co-founder, I was told that I will need to deliver an initial demo within 30 days, 20 days in the project and I was told yesterday that they need a final release ready within the next 10 days !! Not just that but the co founder decided to assign one of my team members to another project!!!

I've worked today till 4am.

Guess who's working from home in the morning!

Everyone around me is running like crazy to deliver a project on time (the day after tomorrow) and I am sitting quietly trying to reply an e-mail of my project manager in french...

Wasting time of 20+ developers to deliver a 'how to use a bug reporting system', coz:
- you've only 2 newembers in team, and
- just to have a bi-weekly meeting.
Is not productive, motivating and wise by any means.

Combined $$$/hr amount here is quite an important metric.

About 2/3 weeks ago had to deliver a college project where we were supposed to create a snake multilayer game on win32 API.

Just to discover how to create a simple dialogue box with sliders and retrieve the values it took 1 entire day. Just handle a simple dialogue box!

And I found the solution on a forum post from the last millennium. Literally!

That's the kind of job you don't wish even to your worst enemies.

Dear PM: In the next couple weeks, I'm going to be taking sprint tasks on 4 teams instead of the usual 1 team. I'm concerned that I'll be too divided to deliver on any of them well.

Dear Dev: Should be fine, since you don't have to do those tasks all at the same time. It's like . . . you don't have to commute to the office and do your job at the same time.

There is this colleague working in my team so if I ask her to Todo something for me she will do it but will respond to my email just few minutes before sign off time (4:30pm). Next day during the standup meeting she will inform the manager that the task has completed and it's in my plate now. Since she responded to me just few minutes before signoff time I was not able to deliver the task that I was suppose todo on that day.

Conclusion:
Cross-Platform mobile development sucks.
I will spend more tie but deliver more elegant app

I'm a huge js fanboy who hates this library storm going on.. but ffs vue.js is awesome. I mean.. you .. just.. use it. You know? An oldschool script tag to include it and you're ready to go! And it's easy and it works beautiful. When did a js lib deliver that in the past 3 years.😁

Why are the teams that don't deliver shit always made up entirely of senior devs?

Hi. I would like a hamburger. Would you like cheese? No. I would like a hamburger with no cheese. Ok. Wait here 15 minutes and I'll give you a hamburger with cheese.

It's the same everywhere... image assets... project managers... node packages... almost every exchange I have - is with someone who isn't present and cannot deliver what they promise.

Huge thanks to the other people who follow through.

An UI guy which actually complimented my will to work with non-dev professions in order to deliver quality features.
Spoiler: I am willing because you are awesome and are not offended in me asking questions outside my area of competence in order to be sure what I do is what you want, so if you happen to read this post kudos on you M. , not on me :)

Some managers think if one woman can deliver a baby in 9 months, then two can deliver a baby in 4 and a half...

Have any of you ever lost your job because you couldn't meet a deadline? ( The reason being because you didn't have enough experience to fix an issue so you could deliver on time) How did you bounce back?

Many of you know twitch, now think of all the problems they have to tackle to serve livestreams to millions of users and sometimes deliver one livestream to tens of thousands of people around the world.

And this company always shows me the same FUCKING AD FOR THE SAME FUCKING AMAZON PRIME SHOW I DONT EVEN WANT TO WATCH. PLEASE LET AMAZON TELL YOU THAT METHOD HAD NO EFFECT AT ALL.

When you find out the 960 EVO M.2 SSD you rush delivered isn't supported on your motherboard so you have to return it and rush deliver an 850 EVO instead.

I promised to deliver a complete fucking customizable ERP in php on 30th of December based on some on existing database model made by some fucktard which creates a fucking new database for every new company. FML

I should see it coming by now... it happens every release. I’m so tired of the ‘but can’t you just build in this one more thing?’ meetings. If I tell them we can’t, they get mad. If I tell them we can and we don’t deliver, they get mad. So... you want the truth or do you want me to lie to you? Your choice!

Project Manager is a person who thinks that one woman can deliver 10 babies in 9 months.

There's a special place for this kind of people in hell for ya.

Why the fuck is every tech lead and manager obsessed with the idea of breaking down tasks?
It's true some tasks can be broken down into smaller ones. But there are situations where a task needs to be done by 1 person in X days. Breaking it down into 2-3 tasks so that "they can be done in parallel" actually requires more efforts among devs, introducing unnecessary complexity and more risks.
9 women cannot deliver a baby in 1 months ffs. I guess these people never learn.

Fucking project lead!!! I was told to make a configuration script i have no experience in scripting yet he expects me to deliver it the following day!!!

!rant

I've been working with Golang for a while now and I've come to love the generics they introduced. Making stuff type-safe is a bit of a hassle, but it pays off greatly.

One thing I had yet to consider though, is that functions are also a type, so that those could be made generic too.

func DoThing[F func(string) | func(int)](callback F) {...}

Now you can deliver both function types and I can differentiate them using a type switch.

Weird that sometimes my brain doesn't make that connection immediately...

I went to a meeting full of business senior management and IT senior management and proceeded to dress them down for treating me and my team like code monkeys. I was quite pointed in my criticism. Now, I'm just trying to deliver to minimize the blowback. I was right, but not my finest example of communication.

15h/day for at least one month.

Manager to someone: How long do you think it will take you to build this?

Someone: Erm... 6 months.

Manager: Fine, I'm pretty sure you can do it in 3 months.

I was invited/forced to join someone's team because he could not do it in 3 months. Neither did we, but we managed to deliver the project in 4 months.

The dickhead manager got a promotion, money prizes etc for burning us out. I can't stand this kind of managers.

Neither I or someone work for that guy anymore.

If a Dev tells you it would deliver something in X believe him, he's telling you the best he can.

I have decided to leave my fucking corporate job because of nonsense going on with the management fuckers. a high throughout distributed system with multiple components interacting together was asked to deliver in 2 fucking days starting from scratch.
I am asking for some tips regarding freelancer or remote job work. How do you guys find clients ? From where do I start ? I feel lost

Had a fun adventure this morning. Had to deliver some bags to some houses. Entered the addresses in Google Maps. Off we go. First house, no problem. Second house, and Google is taking me on a weird route, through some parking lots and stuff. Finally, it wants me to turn onto a bike trail. WTF? My Google maps is set for bike routes. Went a lot faster when I set it to car. No wonder there were so many bikes and the road seemed so narrow.

So we got back the test results and there is still some work todo on the project that should already been done.

We know we have planned you in for this other project but since we have to deliver them both, can you work on two project at the same time and finish those 20 storypoints in 2 hours?

Faaaaak offfffff

Every one of our sprint "planning" meetings.
We would sit and be told to estimate a bunch of defects we had never seen before. And then we wouldnt actually decide as a team what to commit to because it was assumed that we had to deliver everything in the backlog every sprint. This is what happens when you try to apply scrum to a maintenance team.