Conversation with my Boss

B: Are u a hacker?
M: No
B: We need a hacker?
M: Why?
B: Because X department wants to do a hackathon.

Our CTO has been told, this morning by management, that our development department is "too quiet" and that it's spoiling "the atmosphere" of the office space.

So we've ordered mechanical keyboards.

Any devs from CIA's Frankfurt department here? I can't remember if I shut my TV off before I left home, can you check?
KTHXBYE

Non-dev buddy: Dude I'm gonna report you to the tech department what are you hacking??
Me:

Dev confession.
Everybody in my department thinks I am a genius programmer.
I am just a better googler who knows how to apply things.

Phoney call from MS:
- We at Microsoft have detected an issue with your PC.
- Oh, I only have a Mac.
- But that is fine, I will transfer you to the Mac department...

I once brought my Kali Linux laptop to school. (Because normal had dead battery, waiting for shipping)

MFW someone from the IT department is called in to fix teachers projector and he sees I still have the default dragon wallpaper on it.
MFW when recognises it it's Kali.
MFW he calls the police and my laptop gets taken away because 'its dangerous' and I get questioned in school.

The police came back a week later to check my laptop again. 'uhh we gotta check the logs'.

IF I WANTED IT TO BE DANGEROUS YOU'D BE FIXING A LOT MORE THAN JUST THE FUCKING PROJECTOR!

Also, wuddup devrant!

My first job was a statistical program that i wrote during a trainee at a local IT department.
My boss liked it and told me I could keep the sources and the copyright.
Then he made some phone calls and helped me to find my first clients.

Since that time I am working on the same program.
I founded a software company and have a good life now.

My old boss retired some years ago, but some of the team are still there.
From time to time I visit the department having a coffee with old friends.

That trainee was nearly 30 years ago.

when you have no QA department
- via CodeHumor

How HR department reads your resume vs how a programmer reads your resume 😂

1 - Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2 - Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3- Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.

4 - Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5 - Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

6 - Users find 137 new bugs.

7 - Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

8 - Entire testing department gets fired.

9 - Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

10 - New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He raises the programming team's salary to redo the program from scratch.

11 - Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

12 - fml

Our software department is the only department where swearing in loud voices is allowed .

Says a lot about our department :D

Debugging while the marketing department promotes the product!

I got called into a "personal development" meeting with the department lead, apparently my vocal and innovative cursing during coding/debugging is disruptive to the entire floor.

Our scrum master is called ScrumBag in our department xD

IT department created a risk assessment system and asked us to fill out the form.

I found that the form is vulnerable to XSS and possibly SQL injection so I told them and their response was:

"Oh, shit. Please don't tell anyone!"

Of course, it never get fixed :/

FBI: FUCK!! We just lost our connection to all those civilian routers we were monitoring
FBI IT Department: Did you try turning them off and back on?
FBI:

Not so much screaming as staring in disbelief, mumbling profanity in his direction...

When my department lead said "I don't think this unit testing hype or code reviews make much sense, it's more efficient to just make a checklist and test the application yourself"

This was the QA department of an aerospace company, we wrote NDT software to do image recognition on xrays of alloy welds and micrometer laser measurements on fuel tank surfaces. Software which is quite mission critical, a single misrecognized welding fault could literally cost up to half a billion dollars — not to mention that it's a very sabotage & espionage sensitive industry.

After raising some hell he was replaced though.

Today I was 25 years old, asking for a raise or a opportunity to reach the next level of my career.

My department manager simply said:
"I'm sorry, but in terms of salary you have already reached the end of your career."

Bye then :)

My dad at my age: Running a whole department in the navy

Me at my age: Panicking because the company let me have my own project

"We don't need to invest in security - noone is going to hack us anyway" == "We don't need a fire department in our city - fire is not going to start here anyway"

We don't need to invest in security - everything is public anyway" == "We don't need a fire department in our city - our buildings are made out of straws anyway"

-- my thoughts after seing a line in client's spec: "sensitive data is transferred via a secure tcp channel (https) and all the public data is transferred via an unencrypted tcp (http) channel"

Customer is always right.....

Committed to sustainable productivity..

Misunderstanding between the IT Department Staff member and the Finance Department Staff member in one of the establishments...

User: Hi, our printer is not working.

IT Service: What is wrong with it?

User: The mouse is jammed.

IT Service: Mouse? Are you sure it’s a printer, as they don’t come with a mouse?

User: Do you think I’m stupid? I’m telling you it’s the printer!

IT Service: I'm telling you, it can’t be the printer! They don’t have a mouse!

User: Oh really?... Mmmmm... I’ll send you a picture.

Scroll down...
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The customer is always right.
Listen to him/her and believe what he/she says.

Don’t jump into conclusions!

I accidently spammed my own server from my other server, which caused fail2ban to go bananas.
Fail2ban sent ALOT of emails to my hostingproviders abuse department and they due to the amount of emails they got suspended my server.

I can't blame them :)

Someone replied to the Christmas party invitation using REPLY ALL... his family personal details sent to hundreds of people. Wait, it gets even worse: he works in the SECURITY DEPARTMENT.

Found this at my school in the broadcasting department. It makes me mad on many levels

I think someone in the finance department had to create an ad

Testing Department be like

From the director of the department within a large investment bank: "We will be looking into converting all Java code to Cobol because it is easier to work with".

Needless to say I started looking for a new job that night.

Did someone call the IT Department?!

I work for my highschool's IT department (the money I earn goes directly towards my tuition), here is a picture of my workstation. It's a Lenovo ThinkCentre, it has an Intel i5-6500 vPro, 4GB of RAM and runs Debian 9.4.

The head of the software department of a company I did an internship at once said:

'the stereotype that programmers sit in a dark room all day with empty pizza boxes on their desks is wrong. They are very social and communicate a lot'

Me: yeah, for sure ...

Mgr: Do a talk about that library you're using.

Me: Sure but I'm just learning about it now maybe when I have a better understanding of it.

One week later.

Mgr: I booked a department wide mandatory lunch and learn this Friday for your presentation.

I told a joke at work today.

It's so good that I've been called to the HR department. I assume they want to hear it too.

Dear recruiters,
if you are looking for

- Java,Python, PHP
- React,Angular
- PostgreSQL, Redis, MongoDB
- AWS, S3, EC2, ECS, EKS
- *nix system administration
- Git and CI with TDD
- Docker, Kubernetes

That's not a Full Stack Developer
That’s an entire IT department

Yours truly #stolen

We had a priority 1 incident (= the complete basis of our business is at risk, nobody can work anymore). The reason: at least 50 fax machines didn't work anymore ...

You're laughing? Well, in the department next to us, they still use dot matrix printers.

Guuuyyyssss

In my recent rant I told that I will go to an programming challange (or so) in Bonn, Germany.

Today my boss told me I can go if I present the competition to all other bosses in our department + I will be a participant in the "innovation section" of our department. YESS FUCKING YESSSSSSS

I could get fucking promoted jeeeeeeeeeeeee

So the Marketing department want me single handed recreate an app exactly like Alipay in 2 days? WTF? I told him that this is impossible ... he told me to "Use Template." He said he can even use wordpress to do it .

The problem is they need android app and ios , (nnon-webview)

And it is official: I am not a project manager anymore.

My Boss has just created a new Automation department of which I am the only employee. So, now, I am an Automation Engineer.

More tools, maybe code and almost no contact with clients anymore. But I am gong to miss a few of them. :)

The computer science department at my university is located in the basement. I know I'm supposed to get real world experience, but what a sick joke! /s

It's really fascinating how managers can act surprised over a critical prod issue especially after the whole dev department warned them repeatedly.

I'm going to make 4 statements of which only 3 are true. You tell me in the comments which 3 are true.

1. At my job in the marketing department, I manage our Facebook ads campaign where we spend hundreds of thousands of dollars in advertising.

2. MIS department inexplicably blocked the marketing dept from the Facebook domain altogether near the end of the day.

3. They also block Dropbox although we still have to manage all the distribution of digital video and commercials to our tv advertisers.

4. I work in a technically progressive environment that understands how things work online.

That moment when you build a really cool webapp in under 2 hours for another department, you send the link to the head of the dept, and he replies few minutes later with just a link to a youtube MV... Tina Turner's 'Simply the Best' 😄😄

TL;DR Setup computer for new guy @ office, he got mad about software he was missing that we weren't told he needed, so he complained to the director above our department and got us in trouble.

I work for a small company, in which the I.S. Department is 8 people (Manager Included). We do everything from setting up computers and fixing printer problems to writing custom software for in-house use. Kind of a "Renaissance Department" if you will.

So a few weeks ago we were asked to set up a computer for a brand new user, meaning he would need email setup, a domain account, etc. We were also given a (very) small list of programs he would need to do his job. No problemo, took me 30 minutes, and he was good to go.

Last week I met the guy because he was training at the general office and his training computer lacked a few tools. Since I was called to remedy that situation, I introduced myself, told him if he ever had any problems to let me know and I would get him fixed up.

Now today, 5/5/2017, 15 seconds after walking into the door of the department, I am pulled aside by my boss and asked if I setup up the new guys desktop, to which I proudly replied yes. Come to find out the (very) small list of tools we were told he needed was incomplete, so he was missing stuff (how the fuck were we supposed to know that). So what does the new fuck do? HE COMPLAINS TO A DIRECTOR ABOVE OUR DEPARTMENT SAYING THE IT GUYS DIDN'T SETUP HIS COMPUTER PROPERLY! Like holy shit dude, why not send me a fucking email like you did before telling me you needed stuff? I would have GLADLY fucking helped. Now I hope your computer catches on fire. Or you get fired. I'll take either one.

I started a job as a developer on Monday for a large retail company. There was no computer available for me because of the IT department but I'm told it will arrive later in the day. It doesn't.
On Tuesday I get told that the PC is coming and later in the day a keyboard, mouse, monitor stand and two monitors arrive but no computer.
Today, Wednesday, I get into work and find that I now have a PC. Woo! I load windows, log into my user account with my new user and pass and go to install VSCode only to find that I don't have admin privileges and can't install almost anything. I'm told that IT will add me to the admin user group soon(tm). I wait. All day. They don't do what they are supposed to do despite us pushing them to do it.
I hope that tomorrow I can actually dev, but at least I've been paid three days wage for doing nothing lol

Anyone have any shitty IT department stories?

I'm so pissed today .... As someone decides to drop the entire database and the backups intentionally because he is jealous of my department doing better .

While I was coding and accidentally punch against the wall and this happened

Fun drinking game:

Take a shot every time the support department contacts a developer over a previously answered question.

when you work for a place that has plain text passwords in the db. lol
I asked head of department if he knew what salting/hashing passwords was and he said no.... is this real life?

So our IT-department decided it was a good idea to block all outgoing ports at my school. Resulted in no internet for a day. Then they fixed that and the mail part but I still can't connect to any of my servers with SSH :/

When you're newly assigned to one of the most FUCKED UP team in the department and your manager said that ALL LEAVE REQUESTS from your team are AUTOMATIC DISAPPROVED for March until i see significant progress, hayyyy...poker face. I really don't know what to feel right know.

Our IT department is almost as bad as apple

User: The app is crashing! Fix this immediately. We can’t do our jobs without it!!

Dev: Patch applied, can you confirm it is now working on your end?

User: EXCUSE ME?! THAT IS NOT OUR RESPONSIBILITY! WE ARE WAY TOO BUSY, ASK SOME OTHER DEPARTMENT TO DO THAT OR DO IT YOURSELF!

Dev: …

Finally it was my turn to receive a call from the now infamous Indian "Windows Technical Support Department" from a spoofed out of service 1-888-425-6866 number. My wife and I are on vacation we had just gotten back from the beach and she was taking a shower so I had all the time in the world to play along with them. It is too long to type out but it was extremely entertaining especially the bits that happened after I finally informed them that I own a Mac. The final thing he told me on the phone before hanging up was to go fuck my sister and I felt I must have performed well to deserve that.

The moment then the computer science department emails your password in clear text

Building products for a government department? Here's free advice: don't.

😣

A while back our whole team was really frustrated with the marketing department.

In retaliation we made a new branch for our project called marketing-bs, which was used for all of marketing feature requests.

It's the little wins that keep us going.

My department is focused solely on web development. Of course we are part of the major portion of I.T

The entire I.T department got acknowledged for a very important piece of software. That I wrote.
The ceremony in which we were being recognized did not listed MY department, no, they listed the ENTIRETY of I.T.

Thing is, if this product was not delivered, then I was told that the blame would be MINE (I am speaking as the head of my department) but apparently if it succeeded (which it did) it is to be attributed to people that were not even involved in the project.

My employees tried calming me down when I got upset, one of them stated that it was not even our department's effort, but mine alone. And yes, I was the one that developed the solution. By myself, with complete testing, staging, the whole works. Everything, developed by me. BUT my employees held the entire department down while I was behind close doors developing this solution.
I was fucking upset, more so because my director sent an email thanking the entire I.T department for this "win"
I asked him through or messaging service if he could point out to me who else was involved, since I did not know of anyone else that did absolutely anything in this process other than myself and my guys.

Maybe the output of my program was parsed by another I.T department and something happened from it, maybe the money generated by the application (obscene amounts of it btw) were used to add more to the infrastructure etc, who knows, but as far as I know, you cannot say "if this fails it is on you" just for them to later on thank people that were not involved in the project.

This is why I would gladly move on to a different field. I don't want to be patted on the back constantly, I know how fucking good I am at what I do. But if I do something amazing I do not want to see those efforts being given to someone else.

The dev world is usually a thankless industry, but if thanks are given, then I want the sole credit.

If I am winning or loosing I want the whole fucking credit and you can be any more gangstah than that.

So far 9 people left because of that newly hired COO ( check my previous rants ), 4 from digital department including the manager

Enjoy making the company bankrupt asshole !!!

As a contractor I was head of my department, just been offered a full time job as intern of that department.. FML

What the F**K? Why Marketing department always think they know better than IT Department? They always tell us "What so difficult to do this thing? You guys must have templates and change a few things!"

Let me give you some insight here, that this guy is the guy who buy website templates from programmers, change things and upload the site to Bluehost or Wordpress, That's all he do.

Our Software Archictect, colleagues and I personally went from "What the f***?" to "Are you f**king Kidding Me? "

Sometimes I just want to tell him this "Hey you mother f**ker, based on your f**king statement , why would you need programmers then? You guys can just buy the templates and change things".....

F**k you Marketing Department!

!rant
We just offered two other women jobs at where I work....
Half the department is going to be female!!
:)
.... Shoot how do you talk to girls again it's been so long

Most fun I had as a dev?

I'd say it was when the whole it department decided to have an Easter egg competition xD the DBA's never did find out why one of our apps kept creating dummy users called LEEEEEROY JENKINS

One of my best achievements in development xD

Where I work we develop drivers and command-line software for embedded systems. The contracts we have with our customers tend to be in the £100k-£500k range and are usually completed in 6 - 9 months; our team is made up of 20 developers. You would think that it would be worthwhile investing in the department. But no, instead we have to deal with >10 year old build servers on their last legs; limited numbers of development boards with wires soldered on so that we can keep up with new board revisions; no room for R&D into new products; and to top it all off, not one of the executives has a laptop on par with the placement students in the next department. It's like the company is trying to kill the department, we've seen our staffing dwindle with no new graduate (or higher) positions being made available in the last 3 years while we've lost at least 5 people to other places. I just don't get it!

Company is laying me off in less than a month. Thousands of others as well. Our whole department is going away but not the work. Yet I still have to meet a deadline that is just days before they stop paying me. My motivation to do this work is in the toilet.

Inappropriate experience at work? All very old experiences, this is one of many:

The IS department manager 'John' would poke is butt in a cubicle, fart, walk away laughing and/or say "That'll wake you up".

know what pisses me the fuck off? when the manager of another department jumps over me and goes straight to the head of my department for a request that they want from MY department.

Currently, there are 2 stupid bitches that insist on doing this fuckery. One of them keeps getting owned by our DBA since for whatever reason she sends her requests to me, just for the DBA to remind her that I ain't giving her access to shit and bla bla

The other is the head of the human resources department. It goes like this: sends wrong data, task gets delayed cuz we have to sort her shit, gets impatient, bitches at head of department and his boss about us taking long(bitch 3 hours ain't long and your shit ain't critical) just for me to reply back with images and LOOK FUCKTARD YOU MESS THIS UP red arrows showing how what she did was wrong and I had to fix it for her.

Sends a reply back only to me saying thanks, ah no pendeja, I will forward aaaaaaall of that shit to everyone else, tried throwing me under the bus? well now ima do it to you.

And fuck those 3 applications you requested, have fun adding shit manually through spreadsheets and then go eat shit and die.

Head of department: Do we have license key for ubuntu os on our systems?

Lab assistant: Yess!!

Everyone else: No!!! It is open source

*awkward silence*

HOD leaves without saying a word after that

😂😂😂

Positive internship update :)
I have asked the store department chief if I can stop working with heavy objects.
He said "of course".

I will just do light tasks. I am fine with that :)

The freaking furniture people didn't complete things on time and our business development department is still not finished. The freaking reception desk is not there yet.

Here I am going to my new office on Saturday morning. Not to code but to monitor those guys to get things done by today.

Head of IT department asked me to configure Apache from phpmyadmin. There occured 5 seconds of silence after he said that.

When the head of a department thinks migrating an old system to a new system is "just a copy and paste job"

Lads, this DDoS attack on DYN is must be getting pretty bad, the Department of Homeland security just launched an emergency investigation into the source and apparently Amazon has started being interrupted

Department wants us to give feedback on teachers. They ask so many times but they dont consider our feedback at all.
So I got frustrated and wrote a script to automate this process. 😅
Now I won't worry even if they ask 1000 times also. I'll just press f5 😂

My department boss

Boss: Explain to me what your working on.
Me: Just this thing in JavaScript.
Boss: Whats JavaScript ?

SMH...

Ticket from legal department: implement GDPR recommendation, log customer consent, separate checkboxes to opt-in to T&C and newsletter

Ticket from marketing department: small print T&C on sign-up, remove "conversion killer" checkbox

This is why we need a product owner

Goals for the next 100 weeks eh?
- Teach my 8yo and 11yo to be awesome java coders
- Take my 2yo to her first day at school
- Grow my department in work to over 40 people worldwide
- Start and finish my Masters degree in Big Data*
- Speak at 5 major international conferences (1000+ ppl)

My mother lives and works overseas, and she'd complain about her IT department all the time.
Wish I could get work permit to work there, but I'd have to serve in 'their' military for 2 years...

Yeah, totally makes sense. Nope.

Today, the security department stopped our new project and told us to work on the last project instead because of a top-secret security flaw.

Problem is, they are not allowed to tell us what the problem is. FML

Apple macbook engineering department hard at work:

1) Some app freezes
2) Then the Touch-bar freezes
3) I hit cmd+alt+esc to force close it
4) Touch bar is frozen so esc won’t work
5) *confused noises*

They just... stopped paying me...

(Ended up recovering the money after going through the Department of Labor, but damn)

Every company HR department in the 90s: "Don't talk about any sexual topic at work. It could be construed or misconstrued as sexual harassment. Keep all communications business-focused only."

Every company HR department now: "Here's a 20-page PowerPoint describing where diverse individuals of a kaleidoscope of gender spectrums put their genitals in the privacy of their own bedrooms...or out in the street in parades...or, just wherever. Don't like it? We'll be discussing your departure from the company soon."

Starting to develop a feature that may eventually render a department in our company redundant. Wish me luck

When Team Lead of Design (HTML) department wins PROGRAMMER OF THE YEAR award annual award of your organization :|

And Sr Tester wins GEEK OF THE YEAR :|

No personal vendetta but what the fuck :/

When company preaches for a great product, but keeps staffing up the marketing department.

Company President: No one needs to worry about losing their job due to COVID. We’re an essential business and won’t be effected.

48 hours later

IT Director: There have been severe budget cuts and we are letting go of the two highest salaried employees from every department. You are no longer employed.

Wearing neck ties wears me out.

I seriously don't see the point of IT department having to wear ties...

My grandmother think I'm a hacker and i can hack banks, police and state department systems.

Her friends think I can start WWIII while i can hack military systems (think nuclear weapons) ...

I feel bad for them.

Our main server that stores everything and that everyone uses has been down for about an hour now. It's okay though I get paid by the hour. Plus, I'm working remotely today.

Probably doesn't help that we let other people other than the IT department mess with what we put on the server.

At my holiday job, I had to call the IT department about a printing issue. They solved it very quickly. Fucking magicians man, how they did it? No fucking clue!

Short rant.

My company isn't doing well because of the pandemic. I and several of my well deserving colleagues have not only been put on hold for promotions we were promised, but we will be taking a pay cut department wide.

THEN we get introduced to not one, but TWO new contractors we will now be working with. Additions to my department. Because we have "headcount".

I'm absolutely livid. Someone please explain how we have the money to pay for contractors (senior level) yet we don't have the money to promote or properly pay our existing folk.?? My department is extremely domain knowledge heavy, so I see little to no value in ADDING outside folks, especially when projects are getting cut.

Some IT person is walking to the marketing department coffee machine because one on IT is broken.

While waiting for his coffee he yells:
I want a enormous rack!

All the women instantly hide, and one guy say. “You cannot say that here!”

IT guy looks surprised and wondering what he said wrong....

Give students opportunities to create beyond the course requirements. Think hackathons, clubs, department projects, etc. So many cs majors don’t do anything beyond schoolwork.

My university IT department fucking sucks. Nothing ever works, 90% of the website links 404 or just straight up are broken af

Toilets in the computer science department.
Hard working students

PMs thinking they actually work in the technology department...

Never NEVER accept friend request from other area.

A guy from the sales department sent me 10 messages through Facebook to give priority to him because he is my friend.

S**k it Manolo.

"The Fire Department has traditionally considered architecture a priority only when it’s burning down. " - Justin Davidson

Guess EA has a new intern in the emails department

I have more devices to test than my QA department. As a web developer.

The reporting department had a freak out because they couldn’t print to PDFs. Whole reporting nightmare and on fire.
Turns out it was printer unplugged a thousand miles away where someone fifteen years ago put a check in to ensure that a specific printer was connected before allowing physical print jobs.

> Old job does away with working from home
> Half the department of ~100 quits within 3 weeks

It's almost as if IT people want to work from home 🤔🤔🤔

Startup companies be like "we are hiring full stack developer"

Full Stack Developer = the entire IT department 😏

My department bought a new monitoring monitor because the old one was broken.

Actually it wasn't, someone just unplugged the power cabel. *facepalm*

So, we're using Gantt charts, because management wants to see progress in the department...

I don't know yet how I feel about this!

after a month suffering through a shitty project requested by shitty people, with a shitty data source given by an even shittier department than ours, i finally can see the end of the line... just so they can tell me there'll be a part 2

When they announce a new feature in a video that goes live today, but the feature isn't build yet. It isn't build yet because they never told the IT department that it should go live today. So now I'm stuck hotfixing it.

Being called into a meeting where you get fired for an argument you had with your CTO. But the CTO left 6 months ago and the sales department are suspiciously low on deals in the pipeline...

Shame really, I loved that job and the Dev team was great, shame the directors were bastards.

Soooo might turn into the lead developer of the web services of 2 fucking schools with the manpower of 2 for which one of us ain't even a developer all because HR put my lead developer in the hospital and he might be so fucking fed up that he may not come back to work.

Fuck
Human
Resources

Holy fuck man.....I was already a lead mobile developer before and i fucking hated every minute of it and the pay raise ain't even gonna be worth it for the ammount of shit that i am going to be required to do.

Fuck this, fingers crossed man I really want my boy to come back cuz I don't wanna deal with this bullshit.

I seriously never thought i would be in this position and by heavens i have been in some shit before.

Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

Fingers crossed my boy gets better man fr.

Back when SharePoint was still foreign to me, and I didn't know the pain of administrating it, I had the idea that files were copied to my local machine. I saw no need to preserve backups from before I started, especially since they already existed on the server, so I got rid of them.

Also hooked up to SharePoint was an email handler. Whenever a case was created or deleted, an email went out to the entire department. Guess what happened when I deleted 250,000 records?

Fortunately, SharePoint has a recycle bin. Unfortunately, restoring those files generated another 250,000 emails. To the whole department.

I bought many donuts to appease the crowd baying for my blood.

Trying to hire entire IT department but you have a budget for a single person.

!rant

Super awesome day today.

1. Got up early to do a risky production deploy and it worked!
2. Three PRs approved before lunch.
3. Got some time to continue learning scala.
4. Coffee and cupcakes with some refugees and discussed work as a software engineer.
5. Tried virtual reality for the first time. Really fun.
6. Helped prepare our goals for this quarter and present them to the department.
7. Department meeting had free local craft beer and pretzels.
8. Went bouldering after work and flashed a 6c.
9. Curled up with my wife watching Netflix.

I really love my life sometimes.

The colleagues who do testing in my department collectively call their assert function 'ass()'

University wants a final year major project which should give an output as a research paper published in some conference or journal. All seems great. Department rejected all web app related projects because it's too generic.. Still makes sense..
And then suddenly, department asks where are customer requirements, where is ER diagram, where are Selenium tests??????
And they still expect a research paper to be published....
Why do they don't understand the difference between software development and research works.. !!!!!!

Most awkward video conference call?

Our department is in a 'virtual' book club, reading The Unicorn Project, and I asked..
Me: "So what similarities have you seen with the Phoenix project and projects we work on here?"
Dale: "Ha ha..sooo many. The biggest is the disconnect of managers with no clue of what goes on."
<Vice president of our department also in the book club>
VP: "Really? Dale, I'd like to know more about this."
<awkward silence with blank stares all around>
DBA: "Come on Dale...spill the beans. Got the VP right there."
Dale: "Um...nope...not going there...nope"
<Dale's screen goes black>
VP: "OK, so when Maxine asks ..."

When testing and deployment are not two different things for the computer centre department of my college(This is the website to authenticate college students to let them use the internet)

Once in a while I feel like Big Head on Silicon Valley when he was at Hooli. Guess it is not the worst thing. Maybe they will promote me to the moonshot department.
Maybe some day I will get his type of buyout.

My favorite is when they just don’t come in one day (don’t give notice, just see ya!). If that happens more than once in a few month period, that tells you more about the department than the individuals.

So two guys at the company I work for just quitted, We were 4 in the "dev" department, 2 front end and 2 back end, now we're just 1 front and 1 back, should I try to get a raise?? I've been working steady for 8 months now.

PM : Develop this new feature. Client needs it tomorrow. And be sure it works perfectly well.
Dev : haha how can it work without bug if it's developed in a day ?

Poor dev got transferred to support department :(

Figured I'd post for some advice here and see if anybody has had previous experience or success with a situation like this.

My team is generally comprised of full-stack developers completing front-end custom work on sites, writing back-end tools, and fixing broken sites. We are a rapid-response DEV team, and we typically turn around any custom requests in less than 5 days and fix any broken sites on the same day as they were reported. We manage almost 15,000 sites across multiple countries, and deal with very large corporations that many of you interact with every day (I'm trying to be cryptic here hahaha.) There are 16 of us on our team, and we are the only DEV team within our department of 500+ people. We are also the only DEV team taking requests from these 500+ people. The way the department works, we are the final say on whether a specific piece of custom work will get completed or not, and we are the go-to people when anybody has a question about our system infrastructure or if our system can accommodate a request, along with how to fix any broken pieces of our platform. We typically get about 150 requests per day. Lately, the entire team has become unhappy with our compensation for the work we do. We're quite underpaid, and they keep giving us more responsibilities without any sort of extra compensation. We've discovered that there are a large amount of non-developers below us that are getting paid more than we are. We've found that we get paid about $15,000 less than a comparable DEV team in a different department (let's call that team DEV_2,) just because of which department our team exists within, and how our department defined our job back when this position was created a few years ago. Ever since the position was created, our team's responsibilities have exponentially increased. We believe that there is absolutely no reason that an entry-level position below us should get paid just as much, or even more in some cases, than a developer. Of course, we're not asking to pay them less. Instead, we've decided that we're going to bring this up with our manager and schedule a meeting with him, our Department Director, and Human Resources, and voice that we believe that we should be on the same payscale as the comparable DEV_2 in the other department.

To be a good developer on our team, you need to not only have coding expertise, but also an encyclopedic knowledge of what you can do within our platform without any coding. You need this knowledge so you can pass it along to any people in positions below you, in case they didn't know that something could be done without custom code.

We're going to argue that if it weren't for our team, the company would be losing millions of dollars in clients, because people wouldn't have anybody to go to for platform infrastructure questions, broken websites, or custom work. Instead, they would need to send these requests to the DEV_2 team, which currently take about 6 months to turnaround requests. Like I said, we are a rapid-response DEV team, and these particular clients think that a 5 day turnaround time is ridiculous. If they had to wait 6 months for their request to be completed, they would cancel their contracts.

Not to mention the general loss of knowledge if the members of our team went to a different department, which would be catastrophic for our current department. Believe me, this department could not function without this DEV team. If we all went on vacation for a week, the place would be on fire by the time we got back, and many clients would be lost.

Do any of you have any experience with a situation like this, and if so, how did it turn out? Thank you!

I'm working on a banking app (Android) and I thought: "This is a bank. An important one. They will surely have a good IT department! It will be a joy to work with them"...

Never have I been so wrong!

I was told by my manager that I should smile more and should always say hi when i meet someone from other department，because that would effect my probation review？！！

Told department lead several of us devs are considering quitting due to low wage and insane workload.
Result: Team spirit questionaires and team building gathering.
No extra pay and now even less time to get work done.

the kind of issues our it department have

FML, I am the most senior member of my department, everyone have a questions for me, everyone need input from me, everyone cannot exist for an hour without my input. Including my manager who picks my brain on the things that he tries to research. Send help..

Just because my title has "Web" in it, doesn't mean I signed up to solve all your marketing analytics issues - there's a whole department for that stuff! 😡

When your workstation has 32Go of ram but run 32-bits Os and applications, because a legacy app that a department somewhere doesn't work otherwise.

My marketing department everyday while we try to keep the titanic floating

BOSS: We need to renew ourself.
ME: What do you think to implement a video game department?
BOSS: Go immediately in the server room

Oh, boy, prepare for the shit to fly at your face at light speed. Here it comes!

Been working for 6 weeks at this new company now. But at a department that has nothing to do with the job in my contract. Went to the boss and asked how long I have to do this the first week and he said "It will be 4-8 weeks. After this (department A) you'll be placed in department B". I was like "Ok".

6 weeks pass by and there's no sound from him. Went to his office and complained that something slowly needs to happen (changewise). He agreed and I went back to work.

Few hours pass by and my coworker gets a call from him that I will be working at department C from now on with no more information (such as end date) given. My coworker told me that and I asked if he didn't tell my coworker about the end date or any change of plans regarding department B. My coworker didn't know anything.

After the work ended I went to the boss again to ask him why there was this sudden change that he could have told me before in today's meeting or if this sudden change will interfere with our old plan. Instead he passive aggressively told me that he already told me that I will be placed at department B in 2 weeks.

No shit, Sherlock. I already fucking knew that you told me that. I just wanted to know if this sudden change changed our old agreement.

This company is so fucking unorganized. Jesus!

Managed to keep the IT department happy... made friends there, getting amazing stuffs at request right at my desk

Not really dev but: Starting in a new job this August, I'm going to be honest and say I'll miss the warm days of lunching outside the university's beautiful Informatics department.

Got my first task today while still being under training (large worldwide corporation - OMS department) and I'm practically drowning! Oh you wonderful devs give me strength!

The IT department at my school doesn't know anything on Ubuntu or even Linux for that matter.
I asked them how I could connect to the WiFi on Ubuntu, cause I couldn't connect and they just said there was nothing they could do.
After that I spend two days to figure out how to connect and finally I got it working.
Next time I don't ask if they can help. I just ask for the settings and do it myself...

At our workplace we clean our offices ourselves, and I don't have a problem with that. My boss asked me to clean the very dusty server room because I'm the only girl in the IT department. I feel somewhat discriminated as a woman in tech. Would it be wrong for me to refuse.

If any lecturer in my department discovers you are very fast in typing, the lecturer will turn you to a typing slave.

Lecturer: Just type, I will give you something

( 2 weeks later nothing )

Lecturer sees you in class, he ignores you.

(After graduation)

Lecturer sees you
Lecturer: Congratulations Mr. ***. The department is going to miss your fast typing, but i might call you on occasions to type for me. Will you come

Me: Sure Sir
MY MIND: STUPID FUCKING OLD FAG ASSHOLE, I HOPE YOU DIE A SORROWFUL DEATH, GREEDY FUCKING BASTARDS, AM NOT YOUR SLAVE, I WILL BLACKLIST YOUR NUMBER. BASTARD

Another department doesn't pass along the files mine needs until 3 days after they were supposed to and us reminding them 3 days in a row

Lead of that same department writes an email saying we promised a week turn around on our side and the files have been in house for a week so they're expecting finalization to be done today for ALL the files : |

Welp me and my manager speed run things and get half done today and we'll finish the other half Monday. If they really wanted all of them we wouldn't have gotten access so late to do our part

Me: * gets into work in a surprisingly good mood for a Monday *

Coworker: " hey so you know that shared folder that a LOT of our stuff is on as well as a LOT of stuff in the entire IT department is on? Yeah it's gone."

Me * leaves work *

Our it department 😁

There will always be an idiot in a IT department that will ruin your Saturday, by adding a few more network restrictions for no freaking reason, breaking everything else.

My best dev experience this year was the success of my company intern app at work, where I am employeed since last December beside my studies.
The company founder, the CEO, the head of department and the marketing department all like my app and in January it will be deployed to all company phones 😀
Whish me luck that there won't be any serious bugs 😅

it's so quiet here in the IT department when my boss isn't here to distract me

I used a test user account to make live payment transaction with test wallet money on production, accounting department just called... I think I'm in hot waters!

When a national organization leaves the administrator password on a tool that manages the entire IT Department to the default password.
Also when said default password is publicly documented, known by all trained administrators of this tool, and said tool is exposed to the Internet.

Our software is terrible and I'm pretty sure our department is fucked but at least I like the people I work with.

Ok, a customer came to us saying he had a product that is just randomly rebooting. It sure must be a software issue.

I got the task and worked my way through ~10k lines of assembly code (8085 processor on board) Weeks go by, i tested every single god damn funktion they had, analyzed every vector they put in, finding NOTHING...

Meanwhile the hardware department analyzed and tested some possible culprits on the product for me. I had NO idea what the problem could be...

Then hardware department said: oh, they forgot a resistor on the FUCKIN RESET PIN OF THE PROCESSOR!!!!!

fml...

what's your expirience with business intelligence / data science? Do your company has a own department for it?
If so how does it affect you?

I love the speed and lack of bugs in Sublime, especially when dealing with large files but its so shit in the themes department imo.

Once you offer tech support to one person, you become the IT department to all people.

When I was a high school, I did an internship at IT department for a local "center for student guidance".

The IT department consisted of one guy that started to automate everything the first year he worked there. He ended up being low on work and got flak from people above him for not working enough. He threw all his scripts away and the bosses/managers were happy he worked more... But his work was of course slower with more mistakes.

Also, he had an excel sheet of everyone username + password. The excel file was secured with a password. When he went to the coffee machine, he never locked his computer nor the spreadsheet.

Hey guys and girls,

follow up rant on my apprenticeship situation. I talked to Jo (my trainer). I told him I need more supervision and either someone who teaches me the stuff I need to know to meet the requirements from Hugo (my department mananger) or some further education. Because otherwise I'm not able to write producion ready code. (Keep in mind: I'm a fucking trainee who started their apprenticeship 6 months ago!)
Jo is more than happy to help me and make sure I'll get everything i need. Sadly he has to speak with Hugo and get his ok.
Hugo thinks 2 das of school/week is enough training. (Regardless of the fact that we don't even learn the same languages there we use in our projects.) I told him that way I won't be able to finish my projects.
I hope he reconsiders. How should I learn if nobody's there to teach me? (My collegues are to occupied fixing bugs and implementing new features/ don't know the languages either.)

If Hugo keeps this mindset I have to contact the IHK (a german institution which keeps an eye on apprenticeships).

The marketing department must be run by wild butthurt fucking monkeys... Bloody idiots do you even know the word " controll"?! It's a simple fucking thing instead of wasting fucking 2,5hrs of my time which could been put on.. oh I donno more productive work?!?

(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻

Fuck sake.. 2 numbers... 2 numbers on almost every fucking article was wrong and you couldn't even check these in the fucking program BEFORE asking me to fix the images for these and upload? No I had to upload everything only to later noticed that you cunts gave the wrong numbers .... Butthurt wienerschnitzel 🖕

Our support department got this the other day. We host their email and only provide support for that lol

p.s. thanks @nblackburn for catching me forgetting to attach my image 😅

Our pm is awesome always keeps things on track, gives suggestions and stuff but she got assigned to a different department. Now we have no idea what to work on. Feeling lost.

Email from a department mgr regarding a sharepoint site we inherited (lots of custom javascript, XLS, etc, stuff we didn't write)

Dan: "The department filter isn't showing up when I select the 'Logistics and Support' department. Was this caused by the changes you guys made? Its causing a major disruption in our processes and need it fixed ASAP."
Me: "Those changes went out almost two months ago and all the filters were working fine, at least that is what you told me when you tested it."
Dan: "I thought so, but its not working. It has probably been broken ever since you made those changes so I filed a corrective action ticket against your department for not following the documented deployment and testing processes"
Me: "Really? We've been over this. Its your department that is responsible for that sharepoint site. Previous developers hacked javacript together to make it all work, but I'm sure its something simple."
Dan: "Great. I'll start putting together a root-cause analysis to determine which of your processes we need to address."

Start looking at the javascript and found the issue..

if (dept === "Logistics & Support") {
$('deptFilter').show();
}
else {
$('deptFilter').hide();
}

Me: 'Found the issue. Did you rename the logistics department?'
Dan: 'No'
Me: 'To show or hide the filter, the code was looking for "Logistics & Support", someone changed the title to "Logistics and Support"'
Dan: "Well...I guess I did that yesterday...but I didn't change the name, just that stupid character. That shouldn't make any difference."
Me: "I can fix that right now. Are you going to need more information for your root cause analysis?"
Dan: "No, I think we're good. Thanks."

woah woah woah, hello, based department?

How our MIS/IT department handles problems...

Once upon a time a long time ago, a C level suit opened ransomware from an email with a link in it via Dropbox.

Two years in, even the marketing department, who are all using iMacs for digital media creation, inbound marketing, and website development, and alsohave more common sense than the lowly Excel minions, are still blocked from using Dropbox.

Thank god for Socks5 Proxying and an SSH tunnel to our web server. ;) I can has all the things.

Head of department is building a bitcoin rig with my manager friday afternoon in his office using tools from the IT one month after degrading me publicly and giving me an official warning in writing to respect working hours so cutting me off from my bonuses and promotions.

The business is prioritizing error reporting for issues we are aware of over actually fixing the bugs. Isn't that kind of like installing smoke detectors in a house that's already on fire instead of calling the fire department?

Client doesn't trust SendGrid. They're having their IT department deploy their own SMTP servers. This should be interesting.

The heart of every software company is the development department.

Without it:
- The sellers would have nothing to sell
- Testers won't have anything to test
- Technical support wouldn't have anything to install

College. The head Prof of the IT department tries to open a site without even looking at the networking icon, which says disconnected, meaning that the Ethernet cable was unplugged. Tries to refresh a couple of times.

Goes off to find a lab assistant.
Assistant comes is, plugs in the cable.

Any hospital manager can manage ten IT departments simultaneously, any IT manager can’t even manage his own emails, let alone one department. Change my mind.

Been spending the afternoon working with our IT department helping them use the webpage they supposedly designed so they can help me with a separate issue. Turns out they were using IE...

The 'farewell great manager Jim' party on Monday.

The [insert name of a department] Christmas party on Wednesday, which you shouldn't miss because they want the company to be more integrated.

The [insert name of your department] Christmas party on Friday, which is separate from the other party because they want the company to be more inte... wait.

The hackathon on Saturday and Sunday, because coding all night for free to create buzz around the company's name is always fun.

The team meeting where the product manager presents all the shinny new things they're thinking about presenting to the client while our deadline is still a couple of weeks away. "And the engineering team knows exactly what to do, right?" Yeah, sure, if you say so.

When a lovely gentleman from across the sea calls me and says
"hello I am from the computer department, there seems to be a problem with your pc"

me:"what department is that again?"

Him:"The computer department"

me:"Could you also tell me what that loud samba music is in the background?"

I went to an interview yesterday and the director of IT department asked me what are the differences between mobile applications and web applications... Seriously what kind of questions is this??

Colleague from technical department asks if I can make Turkish language available in our software.
I say "Sure, but I need Turkish translations first."
Colleague then asks me if I can implement Russian version as English instead, but using Russian.
"Uhm, what?! I mean ... what?!"

You know it's a damn good day at work when you show up and they tell you to go break into the sheriff's department computers.

The sounds coming from the support department remind me of a bunch of high schoolers:

Crying, Yelling, and Bitching about everything under the sun.

If you hate your job so much, GTFO 🤔

Tuesdays I'm allocated to the support department to deal with client bugs and feature requests for craptastic wordpress sites..

And that's how I discovered devrant.

When your boss calls for a meeting with the whole IT department because he is too worried about losing face by lecturing the guy who talked back to him.

MFW we learn the SolarWinds hack would allow remote code to be run at the Department of Energy.

I started reading “The Phoenix Project” by Gene Kim. And in the first chapter itself two people from the IT department get fired, and the author is forced to takeover the CIO position. Damn, now I’m shook. Is Tech really that much under appreciated and management that much hostile ?

A while ago I ranted about my laptop at work which was unable to install a Windows update. After several attempts I have the laptop to our IT department, but they also weren’t be able to install these update. So it seems that I order a new laptop this year.

My department is being taken over by incompetent, unfriendly and micromanaging waterfall-loving managers. I am fucking leaving!

Latest bug from our testing Department.

They think it may be a database issue why they can't save 0.00 degrees

why is it everybody wants to hire a head of a department all the time

like that's just super weird to me

wouldn't it make more sense to hire someone into a lower position, have them learn from head of a department, then get promoted because you know they'll head the department to your standards then?

but most posts want you to already be head of a department... and it's like, I don't know your department. what the hell happened to the last head of department? why do so many people need heads of department? why the hell are they choosing to get them from outside the company?

somehow none of this makes any sense to me
like I'm literally just so confused why people hire seniors and expect them to automatically know the way the company does things
it just literally doesn't make sense

promote your underlings? then hire more underlings to sus them out?
WHY ARE YOU HIRING SENIOR STAFF FROM OUTSIDE YOUR COMPANY, LITERALLY NOBODIES, AND GIVING THEM TONS OF AUTONOMY AND CONTROL OVER OTHERS IN YOUR COMPANY, THATS SO CONFUSING

worse yet I hear most people just lie when they apply so it's like... are you rotating irresponsible lying people through senior positions at your company over and over again, as they attrition your underlings and eventually get fired for incompetence?

WHAT IS THE STATE OF THIS ECOSYSTEM

Trust me this is not a coincident.... And only two people in the whole department know what this monster really did. Thank god i never had a professor like him.

I signed up for a trial of some time tracking software. Apparently the company that owns it is incredibly aggressive with their sales department. They sent me 10 emails within the first week (still sending even though I unsubscribed) and have started calling me every day. What have I gotten myself into.

Marketing department sometimes are so Fucking annoying in the context of they " just found out certain technology" and try to enforce us to implement.

For example recently this guys just found out firebase(Firestore thingy ) and keep asking us to implement into the app (E wallet app) which our software architect refuse to use firebase( I agree with him) because in the long run , the project will definitely get surprising prices in the invoice.

Also, our DBA had started to implement Apache Cassandra .....

So dear marketing department, why don't you guys shut up and let us do our job and let our software architect do his job? Fuck off!

The university's IT Department has asked to talk to me asap.

I dont if I should be worried or not!

Everyone is leaving the engineering department because they don’t feel appreciated and feel underpaid. While I’m feeling like it’s the best job I’ve ever had. I’m now the most tenured engineer on my team and I’ve not been here a year. All the stuff they are complaining about is fixable.

So marketing department what our team to create a payment gateway from scratch, and must use our own programming language...

Personally , create a programming language is good idea but is time consuming and buggy

I'm currently working as a full stack web developer.
Now to my situation. Me and my team partner are part of a bigger dev department. My department lead now wants to split his responsibility into smaller groups. All groups get a new lead out of the group of devs except mine... No let's put together web and hardware development. It's not like I already coordinate all web and app related stuff. But hey let's hire a new guy for this... Hopefully someone with the same knowledge of the web as my current lead... Like none...

Most of the faculty on my college's IT engineering department aren't exactly adept with Linux, despite the fact that 10/12 labs in our building run on Ubuntu.

Last week, a really great professor (who doesn't take any classes I can attend) from the Electronics and Communications department and I wrote some bash scripts to automate updates and so on, staying back after college until late evening to try to get the PCs updated.

We'll be trying to use SSH to update as many computers as we can remotely, and trying to learn to use Cron to automate the whole updating deal.
I'm learning this stuff on the side, since it's not on my syllabus at all, and the professor isn't even related to the departments that run the labs usually.

We're not getting anything for doing this, the head of my department (who has it in for me) has no idea about this, and nobody else is bothered enough to learn either.

Is it normal to work at a company that claims it has an R&D department (in which I work), but nobody actually does the 'R' part... like never?
I think I have potential in researching. What should I do?

The person hired to manage the Web Development department doesn't know anything about Web Development. Fuck this shit.

Legitimately thinking about having everyone in my department take the ejpt certification test followed by the Offensive Security examination, just because I think those are some legitimate skills to have for devs.