They said I needed to keep my commit messages "PG13".

What they failed to realize is every PG13 movie is allowed 1 instance of "fuck".

A client wants to make a Pokemon GO type of game.. In two months.. (before the hype ended, they said)

Working with a team of interns, pointed out a bunch of unit tests are failing, they said they would take care of it.

10 mins later they opened a pull request to delete the tests that were failing.

fml, fml, fml, fml ... and ... oh yeah fml

Just watched a video where someone (in relation to the new mass surveillance law in the netherlands) asked people on the street if they had something to hide.

Everyone said no.

"Could you get your phone and show me around?"

Everyone said yes.

"May I take a look at your messages/pictures/browsing history?"

Suddenly 80 percent said no.

"But you said you had nothing to hide!"

"I'm going to take that back."

They said ducks can help...

There will be flying cars by 2018 they said.

Git makes it easy to search through historical changes they said. Git is amazing when working in teams they said.

It sure is.

If your coworkers do not commit every time they burp or fart, do not use "🚀" or "✨" or "fix" as a commit message, and do not push all their shitty experimental broken branches without cleaning up.

I'm surprised there are no piles of fecal matter behind their desk chairs.

Use windows, they said...

!rant

My shirt said "why do developers wear glasses... Because they can't c#" and this girl said she didn't understand my shirt, she asked what C-hashtag meant and wanted me to explain it 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

A client called me today saying their custom website I built for them is down. It just shows a 403 error now. They said they just wanted to update the prices. I asked what changes they made before it crashed. She said, "I couldn't figure out how to change the prices, so I just installed Wordpress, and now it doesn't work!" They completely deleted the entire website using cPanel and replaced it with a partially installed Wordpress.🤦

They had no 'close/cancel' option so i gave them my email and said, hey, sign me up

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".

The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".

The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

PROBLEM: A tickets' company came to us last autumn. They said they have severe performance problems and asked us to help.
SOLUTION: covid and quarantines. All events have been ceased, noone's buying any tickets any more. Performance problems are no more. FIXED.

PROBLEM: Another company came to us recently. They said they have severe performance problems with their huge databases and asked us to help.
SOLUTION: a few days of heavy rain and their datacenter was flooded. along with the backup servers. No more data, no more performance problems with large databases. FIXED

Solving problems genie style!

Who's next?

Use a Mac they said.
No annoying update they said.

My gf tried to charge the pendrive, coz the pc said device not recognized.
How they do this ???

My boss said something genius today: "understanding client's wishes is like writing a regexp for everything they say"😂

“Start your own company” they said
“It will be fun” they said
“You’ll be your own boss” they said
Idiots forgot to mention how hard it would be. Late nights, early mornings. Client searching...

It’s all good though, locked down three well paying clients today. Drinks on me 😎

I work for my university's IT Helpdesk, I asked a customer what browser they were using and they said WiFi.... How do these people have six-figure jobs?!

Work from home they said

DataBase not approved, just use spreadsheet they said...

65487456456 errors later...

Many litres of blood later...
866 brackets just for the closing
528 ifs

When i said i'll deliver a feature by end of the day, they thought it after 5. But what i really mean is 11.59pm

Read the documentation they said. It would be easy they said!

Once upon a time there was a dev.
The dev had a resume that said he could dev.
We called the dev, he sounded intelligent.
We hired the dev, who was a bit green, on a three month probationary period.
The dev did very little.
When asked, we said he contributed to discussions, but seemed unclear about what to do, and maybe they could keep him as an intern if they wanted to have him at all.
They hired him. As a full time dev.
6 months later, that dev was shocked to find we could log into the servers with a privileged account.
We (his team mates) were sad.
We asked him to fix a few prod errors.
A little while later he said "Done!"
We then had to walk him through how to actually fix them, not just add a couple pieces of info to the table.
We were sad, again.
We asked him to fix some prod errors again.
We had to walk him through the process again
We expressed concerns to our superiors about his abilities because he was all theory, no hands on ability
They promoted him
We were sad
A few of us said "Fuck you guys, I'm going home"
They said OK
Now that guy is the only one that "knows" that code base
I get calls sometimes asking me questions.
I told them to pay me a consultant fee.
They said no
I said no
They called again
I laughed at them

Listen to the people who know when you ask them questions.
Listen to the people who know when they tell you there is a problem
Don't be like that company

No question is stupid they said!!

My friend works in retail I.T, they clients said the computers were a bit dusty from the stores.

i can feel the asthma attack coming.

Holy shit I got the job/internship!!!

WTFFFLBLBLBLBLAK

They even said that after reading my code samples they knew they could use someone like me 😍😍 biggest compliment I have gotten since 3 years at least. Selfworth restored 👍

I was on leave for 15 days. They asked someone else to do this job(a minor change, they said) and Oh boy, December is not going to be easy. This is gonna be worst end of a year for me.

Sigh....

Use regex, they said. It's better, they said.

Found this on Facebook.

I received a ticket today that said

"The customer can access the app fine if they're at their home, but when they occasionally go to the desert they can't access the app"

You can't make this stuff up.

Someone please kill me.

and they say programmers don't have a sense of humor. the company said to buy some motivational posters for the meeting room. this is what we came up with.

It was for a job interview, I wouldn't specify what the challenge is but they said I could use any language I want; I chose Python. They said I failed the coding interview because it was not Java.

It will be fun they said...it's a trap!

Linux is great they said
Linux works well they said
Linux is totally awesome they said

- - -
4 live cds
(Ubuntu, mint, Debian, Antergos)
3 wouldn’t boot beyond splash screens or even into setup.

no fucking keyboard
No fucking wifi
No fucking trackpad

Now I’m sitting here with Antergos, with a USB keyboard, USB mouse and an ethernet cable plugged into my laptop 🤷‍♂️

Good news... I think I might be getting through the hard parts

4+ years ago, in an interview, I was asked if I was familiar with keeping backups of my code on Google Drive.

When I asked them to explain what that is, they said that after a deployment, they make a ZIP file of the project and keep it on Google Drive.

When I asked about using GitHub/BitBucket they said they don't know what that is and neither do they intend on using it.

So yeah .....

CSS is not important they said. I see senior devs spending more time adjusting a button than setting up an API.

Built a popular App they said.

Scrum they said.

Credit from imgur

Use java they said
It will be fun they said

Confluence is good they said
Confluence is awesome they said
Confluence is cloud based and fucking great...

Confluence is starting to lag like it's the 1990's and my keyboard strokes are taking seconds, literal seconds to catch up..

KEYBOARD LAG!! in 2020!!! fuck this JS bullshit.

We've built a web app and now a client wants a VPN acces to the database of web app. When asked why, they said they want to occasionally pull some data out. 😱

We said no, and this is what they wrote:
"We’ve got live VPN access to every other web database we work with – why is this different?"

Well because maybe we know that we can build you an export of whatever you want, prepare you API calls for getting data to your CRM, but hell I'm not giving you access to the production DB.

Teamwork they said..lol someone fucked the whole repository.

Grow your skill they said.
Learn CSS3 they said.
Make the product compatible with IE8 they said.

A faster, better YouTube they said, 'YouTube needs permissions to Contacts, Location, SMS, Microphone, Device ID and information', they said. :/

I'm good with a slower, worse YouTube.

My mom has a new IPad.
it took my mother and sister 4 hours to make an apple ID.

I offered to help, but they said they wanted to do it themselves

So, i opened my sister's laptop and opened google, i googled: "How to setup an apple ID". left the laptop near them, and hoped they notice it, and they did.

Come to a festival they said.. .. It'll be fun they said.. Here I'm ranting and reading machine learning algorithms under a tree, while others party. Omg.

When you almost finished a cool project and then they said: we can put it on hold...

Work at a start-up they said. It will be fun they said.
It's awesome, the learning curve is unbelievable.
But your personal life? Destroyed.
Weekends? Sleeping more than 6-7 hours a day? Forget about it.

Why the hell can't PMs understand "it's complicated" without asking for an explanation? EVERY time any dev has said that and they ask why, guess what follows?

Technical jargon they don't get.

Do they think we're lazy and trying to wiggle out of work? Do they not trust us? Do they think explaining it to them will somehow provide some insight that will make it less complicated?

Argh

A fucking shit happened.

I finished coding the front-end design of the website and pushed it to the PM and Boss to review. After 5 days, they came back and said that they made mistake. They gave me the wrong sitemap and design. 23rd June is the deadline, I hope they extend the deadline.

Use Linux desktop they said.
It'll be fun they said.
So much to configure.
Such fun.

18 hours later and hibernation, Bluetooth, Sound and Nvidia Optimus still not working after countless modprobes and config changes.

Hello again, Windows. You make me feel safe.

I'll just stick to Linux on servers and nothing more.

Just found another forum message from someone that doesn't understand Java and JavaScript. They said JavaScript is the code that Java runs....I thought we fixed these people.

"Start at 4am" .. they said
"Nothing will go wrong" .. they said

WELL YOUR COFFEE MACHINE IS BROKEN AND THE MAINTENANCE GUYS GET HERE AT 7 😡

Work with blueprints, they said. It's easy, they said...

2-3 hours top they said..

"Whenever a user creates their account, they get an email with their password. We also get a copy of said email which makes it easy to troubleshoot any issues when they ring us." -- I was so tempted to hand in my resignation on the spot...

Handwritting fonts bring back warm memories of that one time in school where they said we should write some delphi code with a pen. Good times

Learn React they said
It will be easy they said...:/

PS: No offence, I'm a react dev

They said, try new unit tests...

Our client is so stupid that they are currently paying for 9 devs to sit on their asses doing basically nothing just so they can guarantee that said devs will be available just in case they need something changed at the last minute.

Talking to someone for minutes straight and realizing they didnt understand anything youve said

I never said they were many

Merge the data tables they said....it should be a simple join they said....

"LeT's uSe gRaPhQL!" They said.

"It EliMinAtEs cOmpLeX aNd vErBoSe REST coDe!" they said.

Me sitting here for hours waiting for the backend team to fix major regressions every time they push the smallest "updates" to staging... 🤡

Call me a boomer but I can't help but feeling graphQL makes things MORE complex than REST... either that or the backend devs have no idea what they are doing

Attend all the meetings, they said. They're super important, they said. You'll get more code done if we hyper-report on progress they said. The bugs are piling up and we need to have even more meetings, they said.

STOP SAYING THINGS AT ME AND LET ME FUCKING CODE YOU INSUFFERABLE CUNTS.

Eclipse is buggy they said.
Install NetBeans instead they said.
So this is the first impression :D

Was in a meeting today with a team I just joined, I asked what they used to write tests.. they said they don't write tests because no one would see them..

This is crazy right?

An old company contacted me, seemed remorseful and said I probably didn't want to work there again but kept pushing. Eventually he said a high salary and I figured ok they had easy projects and the overpaying would beat the underpaying they did while I was there, right?

The new lead dev at the place took a month to give me work, tried to pressure me by saying she was going to tell management they are behind because of me, and then progressively stopped assigning tickets to me and assign-then-reassign them from me according to my schedule/predictions I revealed during the daily stand-ups. Why hire me at all. Then they said they changed their business direction at 3 months and let me go. What a waste of everyone's time.

Comment your code, they said

Company upper management was asked of any plans for supporting businesses in the metaverse.

They said they want to focus on bussiness in the real world.

Absolute chads.

Use Meaningful variable names, they said.

Parents finally interested in what I do so they watch me do it

Mom: are you messing with me, what's with all the words? Where's the 1's and 0's, I thought you said it was just like the matrix

Me:...
...
...
I said only in the same way that there's computers

Before I learned how to code and people said that you should print hello world I thought they really meant hook it up to a printer and print it on paper

I am watching a video from Google I/O when they said "Ok Google", and my phone turned on (though saying "Your voice was not recognized")

My friend said this to me. Few days back someone told him that they had downloaded an app to increase RAM on their phone but the phone was still lagging. 🐵

At lunch, someone asked a question about our Sunday Hack-a-thon. Our PO said it was a "Smack-a-thon." I told her, "No, don't make stupid names. Let's call things what they are. It's Management Failure Sunday." Manager was sitting across the table when I said it.

2nd interview today for a job. I thought it went well but I could tell one guy did not like me. They said they were done after 20 minutes. They told the recruiter I was not senior enough. I have been a dev since 2001. I answered all of their tech questions. Really frustrating.

Make a simple contact form they said.

Let's go to the arcade they said. Let's play this game they said. Game.exe stopped working Windows said.

There are people who say that devRant stickers arive when you forgot about it. They came earlier then expected (that's what she said)

Thanks @dfox and @trogus

Have children and build a house. You will forget what you enjoyed doing in your free time. Because you will not have any more!

P. S. I could have attached my github activity graph instead, but that is even more embarrassing 😭

I hate when idiots make assumptions without basis. My company so higher up idiots decided not to use Python. I said why they said it’s not scalable. I asked have anyone of you ever wrote micro service which can handle millions request every hours? Have you ever wrote service in Python? Have you ever worked on Python? Architect said but Python doesn’t have type support? I said there is use Python3. He said I want to validate my request payload. I told have you tried form and decorators. I told, I have 8 years experience. I worked in every language and I one has advantage over others depending on situation. Then they said, but we want only Java as finding resources is easy. I said have you checked git Python overtook Java in case resources, you are outdated. I don’t want to leave company but even after so many argument these idiots just dropping Python and because of that I am loosing so many good resources.

I hate recruitment agencies. Had a conversation, i said no thanks. They phone back they next day and tell me i need to let them know if i want to go forward with the job then get angry with me as i tell them no again. WTF?!?!!

Let's do photorealism they said,
It'll look beautiful they said,
...
...
...
NO!
Fuck it, we're going with low poly. I'm not rendering one fucking tree, for three god damn hours!
(That's presuming that it doesn't crash during that period)

And yes I know it doesn't actually look that photorealistic, but hey, give me a break I just started. Plus I don't even wanna know how long it would take to render if it was done to look really fancy.

gaaaaah! Outlook, you suck!

"Let's use Word as a rendering engine!" they said...

Well. Screw you M$, screeeew you!

HOW!? Just HOW THE FUUUCK??!

Did anybody ever try to put a cinnamon desktop onto a ubuntu server version?? 'Cause this is simply fucked up!

Just add the ppa they said. Just run
$ apt-get install cinnamon
they said!

APT-GET YOUR FUCKING HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES!

ARRRGGGH. *table-flip*

Buy a macbook they said, it will be stable they said.

Stable my ass !

"Our code is systematic", they said.

Everyone said I'm crazy when I said "2 + 2 is 22"...
Little did they know..

"We need your data to improve our services" they said. "It will be anonymous" they said.

Building a page for a company on the side, they said payment after page is delivered. I said they'd get a finished build, they were okay with it. I also added a couple random errors that will break the site after a month... Am I a terrible person? :3
I will remove the errors after I get paid, of course. :p

Found that out that one of our company's internal API (I hope it's only internal) is exposing some personal data. After finally getting the right people involved they said they'd fix it 'immediately'.

5 days later I check and now there is more personal data exposed...which includes personal security questions and the hashed answers to said questions.

And of course they are using a secure hashing mechanism...right? Wrong. md5, no salt

Sigh...

Better gradle they said.
Builds faster they said...
There is a difference between faster and less slower.

My girlfriend said "Go to the store and buy a carton of milk and if they have eggs, get six."
I came back with 6 cartons of milk. She asked "why in the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"

"They had eggs"

You can learn Css in one day they said, its easy they said

Management said "we are agile"...now they ordered us to do changes in production server in daylight...I'm seriously think said FRAGILE...

I get rejected just for my beard, they don't like it.. and they're so idiot so they have prejudgments that any man with beard could be linked to terrorism. They literally said that I was the best fit to the post..

But, I am not changing who I am for them..

Match twice, order once, they said. It always works, they said.

They fucked up the project deadline again. I received 5 days to finish up the web-based application without any brief and design. When I asked for it they said it's easy I can just Google for similar app and make it.

What?

Microsoft are you serious! You are installing a major update that will take a while, specifying that it will restart my computer many times without even asking if I want to proceed with it now or later! I don't have my charger ! What would happen if It goes out of battery! Damn you Microsoft !! Isn't there any good OS or what! Windows is sometimes buggy ! Linux distros don't make use of GPU! And I don't even talk about Mac.. God damnit we're on year 2017 and made so many astonishing work and still there is no fully operational and good OS! 😬😬😬

I took this contract and made the suggestion that we backup to the cloud and create a private repo on GIT. Client said no, local should be fine, they don't want someone stealing their code. I said okay fine.
AC just went out in the server room and they apparently had a leak from the AC to the power supply which they happened to put on top of the rack servers and switches. I'm surprised that place didn't catch fire, might be to early to call it.
All this on a Friday and we were 2 weeks away from launch party.
Not my fault, I clearly said we backup to cloud and use GIT on private repo.

Being a Programmer:

My mom said:
"Honey, please go to the market and buy 1 bottle of milk. If they have eggs, bring 6"

I came back with 6 bottles of milk.

She said: "Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?"

BECAUSE THEY HAD EGGS!!!!

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".

The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".

The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

#ProgrammersLogic

UPS maintenance today in server room...they said nothing is gonna happen..30 minutes later massive blackout and some servers refuse to start...welp there goes my fukin weekend

I got in trouble for refactoring code to be modular. They said “thats too complicated the maintenance team”.

Said coworker produced a kludge of copy pasted code so the dumb ass maintenance team could understand it.

tldr; interfaces and abstract classes are too advanced for our employees so make the codebase shitty on purpose.

"Upgrade our biggest project from Angular 5 to Angular 6", they said.

"Just a few tweaks and everything will be fine", they said.

And now here I am, stuck in the office trying to fix basically everything. And tomorrow is my birthday.

After designing the new server architecture for our software and the security to go with it, the boss decides we should ask our provider’s solutions architects to see if it is okay, they came back and said it all looks good apart from one part which my manager did and I always said was bad practice.

My teammate just said they don't know what OOP is 🙃

Let's make a WPF apllication... They said.
Let's add a ScrollViewer... They said.
Let's put a DataGrid inside the ScrollViewer... They said.
Let's disable scrollwheel on the DataGrid... They said.
Let's add a UserControl to a ColumnTemplate in the DataGrid... They said.
Let'a put a ComboBox with a custom template inside the UserControl... They said.

Now let's hope nobody tries to use the scrollwheel on the ComboBox.

Now I have to convince somebody that it's pretty much impossible to enable scrollwheel on the ComboBox.

Do things in JS they said, it'll be easier they said...

(After a few WTF's i found the problem, arr.map passes more parameters to parseInt than just the strings. It also passes an array index that gets interpreted as radix)

I found a vulnerability in a famous financial institute site. So I asked their customer care over email, how can I report it?

They said: "remove your cookies" 🤦

'Get a smart device', they said.
'Unlimited media experience, internet powered!' they said.

What they didn't say, most of the apps are just webpages with an expiration date.

Clients having conversations in their own head then claiming you were there when they said (imagined) it.

Finally got a call for an interview and they asked if I had any experience with front-end frameworks. I said yeah and they said that that's great since their client needs a UI/UX guy and said they'd get back to me in 2 days.

I got a call from the said client half an hour later who goes, "Hello! I am PersonX from CompanyA and we've got your resume and would like to hire you as a Laravel developer!"

Buddy... it says right there on the top that I'm a front-end developer and you were even checking out my LinkedIn... fuckin' fucktard.

Waiting for a answer, of the University i applied for (master degree) is like:

I need to check my mails
*5 minutes later*
I need to check my mails

They said, they will answer between 15th july and 1th september..

Am I allowed to use an API from the government that they do not have publicly documented or explicitly said anyone can use BUT don't have any authentication on it?

Go is fast they said, Go is lightweight they said.

package main

import "fmt"

func main() {
var nums []int
for i := 10; i > 0; i++ {
nums = append(nums, i)
i--
}
fmt.Println(nums)
}

# htop
| PID | USER | VIRT | %CPU | %MEM
| 12048 | root | 16.9g | 101.3 | 94.2

WTF is eating my resources to hell and.... oh... oh im a dickhead!

Just had a company meeting. Basicly the company blamed all devs that they are losing money. Is it normal? It's my first workplace so I simply don't know. It felt bad, they low key threatened to firing lowest performing people. And said they will look at everyone's performance individually and eveluate if they are earning money from each person.

I started working for a company something around 1-2 months ago, they said because I don't have any experience with their stack, my salary will be lower than other team members. I said there is no problem and started my work. My first task was refactoring codes that their experienced programmers have wrote. My second task was extracting data layer from views. (They use Laravel and MVC architecture and they get data directly in views, not controllers). So, by end of the month when I talked with my boss I said I should get more money because I was better than your experienced programmers. He refused my request so I said I will not work with your team anymore :)
Anyway, never accept a job if you know you deserve more money than what they say will give you.

P.S: Sorry for my bad English. English is not my native language

Just connect to the WiFi they said.
LOL

This is fucking rediculous.

A client wanted me to make them a image download resistant galary.
They said they had seen some other site that is "impossible" to download pictures from. This just is not true, they were overlaying transparent images over the images.

Two days after I do that, set up everything on their server, and disable hotlinking in their CloudFlare, without being contacted at all, I've received a not-as-described PayPal dispute.

They said someone downloaded their picture and that I said it would be impossible.

How is this possible? The fuck PayPal? I'm going to lose this damn dispute which was gonna pay half of my rent.

Most horrific interview process I had gone through was by the CMMI level 5 company.

They had asked common Java questions & then after an interview they had not called back.

Suddenly, after a year I had got a call from them, I had barely remembered that past interview & still they had reminded me about the same.

Then they had said that that I got selected & offered me 10% less salary than I demanded a year back.

When I had asked why I had been offered less salary than even my current salary?

Then they had said they were CMMI level 5 company, so based on that in my next job after joining their company, I could demand more salary.

I had said them that I will reply after a year & had cut the call.

I think I did the correct thing 😎.

Get a programming career, they said. The more experience you get, the more people will want to hire you, they said. Well, I'm finding the inverse to be true. Everyone wants a 20-something who knows 100+ programming languages (none of them well) and who'll sleep at the office and kiss butt all day vs. a guy who has a few gray hairs but has seen some things and knows where the bodies are buried.

FINALLY after 48 hours coding. 1000 lines of algorythms ....

Managed to sync video playback on 30 Machines, didnt go to work "sick".

All this for a side project.
Doesnt possibly work they said....

I just had a WordPress interview on Hangout and got rejected and the interviewer said I build very basic projects.
That's why he can't select me.

What kind of projects do they want??

Worst pun of the year contender, a colleague said to a node Dev...
"These Node Devs are all the same... They think they node it all"

5th best business school of the world they said

The client said they don't want the old news to be imported to the new website.

After launch the client said that the news has not been imported over to the new website and they won't pay until everything is completed.

So am busy copying and pasting contents and images.

I want to fuck myself!

Recently found a weirdest job in IT company.
The job description said you just don't need to know anything, but sometimes say some phrases like: "Who made this code, and I hate when it isn't made with framework" sitting in front of a laptop.
Someone is looking for fake programmer. I was astonished.
They said they have about four devs sitting in office and nobody believed then it is no problem, so they posted this to find couple of fake devs. Glasses and ugly sweaters is a must...

Why do some people have to be so self-centered?

They asked for my help with a logo. I said I will help even without any charges. I know they don't want to spend money. And that's why I frankly said I can help free. But then they said they will feel bad then and ask for my quotation. Ok, I sent.

They said "Sorry it is too high, can you give 60% discount?" Ok, sure.

Then they asked if they can get it in 4 days. Ok, I said.

Then they said they changed the name just now.

At least give me a fucking ounce of respect.

Use a mac they said.
.
.
.
It will perform well they said.

My mom asked me to speed up her PC's startup process. I looked into it and and probably found the problem: G Data.

I told her she has to delete it, there is windows defender anyways (and virus scanners are just snake oil). She refused and said: But I bought it from the local IT shop. They said it is the best.

I said: Yeah because they cannot sell windows defender...

She still argued that she paid for it and wants to keep it.

That was were I said: then enjoy your slow startups.

She also said she feels more secure with it. 🙄

I would not even be able to work with that PC! Its not old at all, but the permanent scanning comes at a high cost and probably does not help much.

But she trusts that local it store guy more than me apparently.

Fuck me Doom: Eternal is brilliant. People said what they liked and disliked about Doom 2016 and they just listened. Imagine that!

they said :@@@

WTF is wrong with these Govt websites...!!!

Trying to login
"Password is incorrect"
Clicked on reset password,
Now guess what happened next...

They said,

.
ENTER YOUR CURRENT PASSWORD!!!

Family moves abroad.
Has trouble with internet. They called the internet company who sent a repair guy to their house.

Since they couldn't understand what the repair guy said, they have me on FaceTime to talk to the repair guy.

Our IT-Class project: Mathematics trainer in Java
Day 1 (was monday)

TL;DR we didn't save.

So we formed groups and I landed in the UI team with, let's call him Mage and let's call her Goth.

We had an eclipse project folder on our desktop (they said it only works when put on desktop) Btw they didn't even want to use a cloud or something (I wish we'd use git and I'd finally learn it). We should take the changes by USB from computer to computer.

So me, Mage an Goth are making a basic GUI for this Mathematic-Training App. We use this thing from Eclipse but I forgot the name. It has not enough functionality on surface and I hate things that break complex things up to ease things but leave away so much.

So after a productive hour of building a GUI and centering shit by calculating the top and bottom distance and use margins (hurts me really but Mage was designing, Goth intensively calculating on paper), the bell rings.

Mage wants to save the project on my USB-Stick and bamm💥
A black screen.
I don't know how it happened but it sure had something to do with the USB-port looking like you fucked it with a way to huge🍆. It looked damn broken.

So because we have a nice App called HD-Guard, which fucking wipes the desktop on startup and resets all but the documents/images/videos/music folder —

It's all's gone. Today is day 2 of this project so let's see how today turns out.

"The client is complaining that the data takes a long time to load."
Me, after investigating: "Does the client really need [not an exaggeration, actual figures] 130,000 rows of data?"
"I will show them these stats but they said they need it"

Sent a cv to a company because facebook threw their ad at my face and i said why not. They emailed me that they would call me today. I dont have a phone. Its not fucking 2007. Call me on matrix or telegram or even skype ffs.

In school, for the last project of the year
Had to show it to the teachers in charge
When I entered in the room they said my name and looked at me with a big smile
The usually took 15min per project, but they looked at mine for ~35min
One teacher was testing and the other one was writing
Everytime the second one was asking about a feature the other one said "perfect"
I was so proud of me 😁

Someone saw my work and asked how I used this api, and I was like "oh ok you just do this this and this" and they were really lost and asked me if I could teach them. So I asked if they programmed and they said no. *inhales* *sigh*

My Unicorns 🦄.

If you look at the picture you will see more than one and there is a funny story behind them. About three years ago I was talking about a new project and I wanted to call it the Magic API, however I work for a religious organization and they said that it would be a problem to call it that. So I said what the hell how about unicorn? They said that would probably be okay. Then I saw that Microsoft had unicorn tags for their developers so it has been my thing ever since then.

So Unicorns it is. 🦄

Relax, they said. Eat some turkey, spend time with family.
What do I do? Work on a personal project.

ft. my grandma's house

It finally comes! <enki/>'s invitation code for "the 5-minute daily workout to level up your dev skills" they said.

They said a "t2.medium DB Instance" was enough for three production systems...

"We have a nice documentation you can use to get this up and running"

>half the bloody variables used in said documentation are never even mentioned how they are defined

Nice.

Use Mac they said
it is the best out there they said 😒
Happened to me when upgraded to osx 10.11

Amazon's AWS support sent me an email about a request to support that I sent to billing, saying they sent it to billing. They then said they couldn't help.

I just need them to stop billing me for things I no longer use!

Just finished writing some code.
Got one error.
"Alright" I said, "almost done!"
*fixes the error*
"2589 errors"
I guess someone up there really hates me...

Come to the new year's party, they said.
It'll be fun, they said.
We'll leave you alone, they never said.

I said I know how to quit from Vi in the job interview but they didn't accept anyway. People have no respect for true knowledge in these days.

So many S3 rants. Go to cloud they said..

Hah, a SaaS platform approached me about my open source project. They said, "let's collaborate". After getting into it they said, would you mind replacing xyz in your library with our platform?

Me: Replacing?

I won't go through the rest of the convo since it reveals too much. But damn nice way to stamp out competition. Just kill all the open source frameworks that provide alternatives to your product.

I noticed this morning that someone switched the keys around on my keyboard. I asked my coworkers about it and they said they did that as a prank went I was out on vacation. That was the first week of August and I just noticed...

Oh come on... they said the new website will be launched on 18 december because the old one will go down. So I was checking the result...

404

Please fix this one tiny bug they said. Don’t touch everything, it works, sans the bug, they said. Should take a day or two they said. Please don’t do anything drastic, they said.

Well....

The entire environment is fucked. The current commit for that repo is fucked, and the previous one was just an empty Xcode project. How the fuck can I debug something that isn’t even running? The machine it was built on by the previous engineer that left the company had multiple Xcode projects for the same thing and all of it refused to compile. What?! How the hell it got released to the wild and being used by hundreds of clients is still beyond my comprehension. Adding insult to injury, I eventually discovered there were memory leaks up the wazoo. Great!

So, please for the love of fucking God, leave a working repo for your colleagues before you decide to jump ship!

The company who said i passed the interview and got the job is not sending me email from hiring department to schedule interview. They said they gonna do it. But the recruiter told me they have a high demand of interviews so i guess they dont have time to reply to me back and hire me officially? Im still waiting its been a few days.

Or is this a slow sign of these shitfucks pulling back and will ghost me or reject me for no fucking reason even after telling me i passed and got the job but now they changed their minds for no reason?

Mgmt decided to start making technical documentation, which was nice. Then they said we have to do it in German because apparently everyone in the world speaks German.

Competitive world they said, this kid is ambitious.

Am currently at a jamboree where one kid said he was really good at maths. Then another younger kid asked him what 12 + 12. The first kid then said 24 to which the second kid laughed and said "twelvetwelve". Then the small kid promptly ran away yelling "catch me catch me".

They really do say the darnest things, but concatenation was unexpected :v

People here in the Netherlands where unhappy with Facebook's data leak...
So they "organized" that they would delete their facebook yesterday evening at 20:00.
A lot of people on my list said they would delete their account.
In reality, only 3 of them deleted/deactivated their account :^)

And I have a feeling that those 3 will come back rather soon when they realize they get bored without :^)

COBOL is fun they said.

But writing codes + calculating every space is sooo f*cking hard.

But I'm enjoying it tho.

I've been teaching the new interns. Some are progressing really nicely and understanding the caveats and concepts of the frameworks, but others are a big pain in the kernel

I sent them some code outlining what they would do, filled with `// TODO`'s. Every day I would ask them if they had any questions and they just said they were having some progress. At the end of the week, they say "the code that you sent me doesn't work. I ran it and it didn't do what you said it would do." Well that was your job! My bad for having high expectations I guess

...and they said AWS never goes down. Well developers this is a good time to sleep or catch up on tv-series. Enjoy!

"How about the specs on the new macbook pro they just announced!" - said no one since 2013

They said: hey, we need to hire a guy to work directly with you and help with your everyday tasks.
They didn't say that he will be in a different country.

We are not ready, I won't sign on this shit I said!

Release on Friday, what could go wrong? All unit tests passed they said!

It's Tuesday and shit is still broken!

FML

I’ve been tasked with finding an experienced Project Manager for ‘a sensible cost’ - no specific budget amount shared.
That sounds like “we want the best, but want to pay very little” right?
It’s a massive project, they said “you developed this, did all the documentation and research, you can PM it right?”
“Can’t we just start making progress and adapt as we go?” They asked.
Sure I said (thinking Agile), but they said I just need to get on with it and let them know when finished! So no stakeholder interaction... this is not going to end well...

Last night i had to write sms center for a panel for my client
I was awake till 5 am 😧 why you ask ?
They had a restful api and also a webservice but neither was complete 😑
And the documents of it was f*#$& worst
They had UserName as parameter but the actual one was userName 😑😐 thats not just it they had more
Also they missed some parameters for some functions 😑
They had parameters for Count and instead of int they said its a Bool and on the description it said 1-100
Im so frustrated

Things might be looking up for me.

Saw an opening in a huge company for a dev position. They might consider me, just biding to see what is said.

That being said, today I deal with a user complaining that their app wasn't working. They moaned that exit should rather be close. The text. I raced 60km because you told me it was crucial. Fuck you.

Use the CLI they said. It would be fun they said.

Applyed for internship for an American company in Japan. Email said I will interview with 3 people at most, 1h each, back to back, and everything will be in English.
But on the day they said I will interview with 4 people, and everything was in Japanese.
They said they will tell me the results within 2 weeks, but got rejected after 3 weeks.

Take responsibility for what you say guys...

Build a testbench they said, it'll be fun.

Guess who just reversed the direction of the pump.

Pumping into the reservoir from the reservoir isn't such a great idea.

😡

Just saw someone's first post and they said they have been a reader on here for a while and I was wondering how many users there are that have not posted anything

Marketing meeting. They don't care about programmers and they don't want you to talk but they would assume you have said yes to everything they asked for

Apparently, rooting can kill you, according to Nokia. Just fucking read the last bullet here, they really said this.

Finally got through a second interview with a company that won't abuse me(working late nights, early mornings, and weekends for months now) on Thursday! They even said I did a good job and they like me! Most intense waiting of my life for a call back!

Remember I've said I'm going to quit because of my wife got me a new job? Well I've quit yesterday, there's a chaos in the company, they don't wanna lemme leave, they are proposing many things, but it's too late though

Perfect understanding on what clients actually want based on what they said.

I got invited to take part in the "senior" games in my town. The person inviting me is in their 80s. They said people in their 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, and 90s will compete. I told them I am not yet 50. They were oh, okay. I said, I will tell Ed at work though. He could be in them!

Then I told Ed about this. He laughed. Then I said he could be in them. He told me to get out of his office, jokingly. I asked him if he was going to go to HR. He said yes. Then he said it was really funny I got invited.

Ed is great to work with.

♪
Linus said that it was open.
Linus said that it was GPL.
All could use it for whatever they like
And it was okay
♪

I asked for increasing my salary, she said they can allow me for overtime for getting more money like increasing my salary (They asks overtime everyday btw)

When I asked the client if they have an existing API with xml or json, they said that they will send me Excel xlsx per email.

I hate it when we are discussing a feature and they ask me "what do you think?" after they said how would they go about it and i mention that i would do it differently and think that my way may be longer now but can pay off in the long run and they decline it.

What i hate even more is that after some period they revesit their decision again and come to conclusion that my way is better and now we (i) need to rewrite it but without acknowledging that i said it then and was the best solution.

AMMA KILL SOMEBODY IN THIS BISH RIGHT TF NOW!!

Yesterday I had a conversation with a mobile app development company to make a clone of the current contacts app. 3 points from 10 mins conversations;

1. They offered me for a working prototype in just 35% of actual app development cost. They'll take 15 days to work on that. ( Me: "Do you mean the prototype that I created in 40 mins using invision and sent you its video recording?" after a little argument they agreed that they meant the same.)

2. They said they will have to embed the complete search engine in the app. (Really!! we never name searching in DB as "search engine")

3. They said they'll take approx 15 days in UI and UX. (Me: "will you change the designs I shared?" They: "It is our internal process, we can't give much detail on that")

Install linux they said.
Ok, granted. I still want to dual boot with my win10. So ok, mint live usb, boot, begin install, freezes mid way.

Ok, try++

Be nice, they said.
StackOverflow should be more welcoming, they said.
C00lHoker99 is a new contributor. Be nice, and check out our Code of Conduct, they said.
Oh, for fucks sake...
Nobody is going to be nice to drunk hobo that shits in the middle of the library.
Duplicate, no MCVE, bluntly offtopic and "do my job plz asap" questions doesn't deserve any niceness from community.
If you feel like SO isn't welcoming, that's certainly your fault.
And what now? Instead of answering good questions and being **nice to nice fellows** we are swimming in Pacific Crapocean. Nnnnnniiiiiicccceeee

Hmm... Okay crazy deadlines. We hacked together a really makeshift application to handle streaming content to end users. The proof of concept was demonstrated to a partner company on a Wednesday. They said they wanted it on Saturday. Our CTO agreed. We didn't sleep.

Use Xamarin, they said. It will be easy, they said. You will only need to write your UI once, they said. NOPE
Documentation is shit, I've been sitting here for the past hour and a half figuring out how to add an icon to a button in their shiny XAML thing for which they have NO DOCUMENTATION. THEY WANT YOU TO HOE IT OVER C# BUT THEY ONLY GIVE EXAMPLES IN C#. And now I'm trying to figure out where I can download the iOS UIBarButton icons, because you can't use native icons and fuck apple too, they don't want to give em to you.
What a hellhole.
All while my client is constantly spamming me in all ways, distracting me, marking issues as "supercritical" (which makes an alarm ring on my phone and is only meant for emergencies) and otherwise distracting the living daylight out of asking for screens of the UI.

AND I STILL PREFER IT OVER ANDROID STUDIO. Don't even get me started on that one.