My friend said this,

Roses are red,
The screen turned blue,
I'm not a programmer,
What the fuck do I do.

As a programmer, I'm outraged.

Pleb: "What's your job?"
Me: "I'm a programmer."
Pleb: "Great, because I have a problem with my pri..."
Me: "STOP! Last person who thought I was a printer support serf got strangled with the printer cable."
Pleb: "But it's a wireless printer."
Me: "Right, where's the power cord?"

Why do some female programmers place emphasis on their gender?

It's always: female programmer... Female web developer... Female android dev... Female Sysadmin... Etc

I mean, you don't see males saying "I'm a male programmer."

Female programmers aren't rare anymore. More and more of them are starting to program, so what's the point of emphasizing your gender?

For some reason, females think it's "special" to be a female programmer.

How does your gender relate to your skill?

Just because I'm a programmer doesn't mean I'm some nerd that watches anime, relishes in video games, and spends more time around computers than around girls!

Even though that's all true...

Person: What do you do for a living?

Programmer: I'm an etymologist

Person: What does that mean?

Programmer: I work with bugs

Architect: So, what's your dream bathroom?
Me: I'm a programmer.
Architect: Say no more!

Not a coding test, but:

Them: So you are interviewing for a programmer opening. Do you like programming?

Me: yes.

Them: do you make logos?

Me: ...I can...?

Them: good because you won't always be writing code here.

Me: I'm out.

I got my first job as a programmer... for a salary twice as big as we had at home for four people. I'm f***ing excited!

Wish me luck :)

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"

FUCK YOU SHITTY FUCKING DICK HEAD!!!.. I'M FUCKING TIRED OF YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT ABOUT "YOU'RE A PROGRAMMER... YOU MUST KNOW HOW TO USE PHOTOSHOP!"... OR "SUCH A SHITTY PROGRAMMER YOU ARE... DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO FIX MY COMPUTER"... OR "CAN YOU MAKE ME AN APP?... IT'S LIKE OTHER APP BUT BETTER, I CAN'T GIVE YOU MORE DETAILS BECAUSE IT'S CONFIDENCIAL, SO YOU GOT TO DO IT WHIT OUT KNOWING WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE TO DO"... GO TO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A TRUCK FULL OF DONKEYS FUCKING IDIOT!!!... STOP TALKING BULLSHIT AND GET AND FUCKING LIFE YOU ASSHOLE!!!... sorry about my english for those who read

The 2 states of a programmer:

1.- I'm the fucking master.

2.- I have no fucking idea what I'm doing.

* Can move from one to another quickly.

Classmate: Oh, are you programming? You know, I'm a really great programmer... You can practically call me a hacker, because of my skills. I can't brag much, because I'm too modest for that.

Me: Cool! What languages do you know?

Classmate: I know how to use scratch.

Me: ...

I'm a peaceful programmer.

A programmer is a magical creature that turns honey into code.

Don't judge me, I'm a teddy bear 🍯 🐻

1. I'm a programmer, that does not mean I know every possible programming language. Yes, I can build Android apps, standalone softwares, serverside frameworks. No, I do not know how to build frigging websites!

2. "You can build a website in 2 days, you're a programmer". Tell a single mechanic to build an entire car in 2 days or tell a civil engineer to build an entire building in 2 days and I'll build your website in 2 days.

AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!
Why does your family think that being a programmer means being a magician who can just pull any kind of software, hardware, app, website out of their hat?

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another.

A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?"

"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer."

"So? What's that got to do with anything?"

"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors".

Me: "I'm a programmer"

Others: talks about linux
Others: search algorithms!
Others: service infrastructure
Others: memory optimization
Others: encryption

Me: "I'm a front end web developer"

Others: complex services
Others: strong user form validation
Others: lazy loading
Others: SEO

Me: "fucking, I make shit look pretty alright"

Me: "Mom, dad, I'm a programmer"
*dad suddenly becomes sad, gives mom 50 bucks*

Hi, guys. My name is Brian and I'm a HTML programmer.

In high school, we had to choose between sports or computer science. I didn't like to play sports and now I'm a programmer.

I'm creating a website and I'm thinking: Wow, I use html, css, javacript and python, I'm awesome! Then I see what other people know: shit, I'm not awesome...
Programmer: the more you know, the more modest you become...

<person>: What do you do?
<me>: I'm a developer.
<person>: What?
<me>: A computer programmer.
<person>: **blank stare**
<me>: I work with computers.
<person>: Ohhh. You work with computers! There is something wrong with mine, will you look at it for me?
<me>: I don't do hardware.
<person>: **blank stare**
<me>: I don't fix computers.
<person>: What?
<me>: **walks away**

A programmer finds a frog and picks it up. To his astonishment, the frog speaks.
- "Kiss me and I'll turn into a princess."
The programmer puts it in his pocket and moves on. The ignored frog speaks again.
- "Kiss me and I'll turn into a princess. I'll even kiss you and let you hold my hand for a day."
Once again ignored, the frog ups the stakes.
- "Alright, turn me into a princess and I'll be your girlfriend for a week. You can even show me to your friends."
No response.
- "Seriously, guy, I'm hot. I'll have sex with you, I'll tell all your friends we did it and you were awesome, you can use me as a trophy to brag."
This prompted a response out of the programmer:
"Look, I'm a programmer, I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog, that's kinda cool."

I think I get a programmer high.

Like when I program, I get really into it, time is flying, I'm having fun problem solving, I am super focused, my brain is thinking super fast, and I have a hard time stopping.

Maybe similar to a runners high?

Rant::post

Cute girl: what do you do for work?
Me: I'm a programmer
Cute girl: Meaning?
Me: that I spend all my day seated in front of a computer doing computer programs
She: (waits 20s) hmm, so i forgot my Facebook pass...
Me: go to hell (leaves)

What the fuck, I just discovered that my father knows vi.

He's not a programmer.

Why, God, why I'm only able to use nano... What did I do wrong...

I'm a programmer and an aspiring cyber security specialist. Yesterday, after I gave a presentation about smart bulb hacking, I heard through a coworker that a cyber security company is interested in talking to me. Yay!

My father just told me that I'm not a good programmer, because there are kids out there, who are younger than me and know more programming languages.

Besides the fact that the number of programming languages one knows has nothing to do with programming skills, I just said: "I wanna see that kid.", because I already knew his answer.

"Well, I never said there are many of these kids."

*facepalm*

I am a hobby programmer. I just got rejected by the biggest crush of my life. I guess I'm stuck with my stupid wothless fucking life writing code. How fucking exciting....

It's a funny story. When at the gym I usually wear t-shirts with tech companies logos, from companies I've worked at. This guy comes to me and asks if I'm a programmer. Turns out he's also a programmer and we began chatting every time we were at the gym at the same time. Some months later he joined the company I work at and we're now colleagues. He's a pretty cool dude.

Relatives: What does he do as a job?
Mom: He's an informatician, he tinkers with computers
Me: No, I'm a programmer.
Relatives: Is it computer related?
Me: Yes, but..
Relative: Sounds like an informatician to me.

I'm so tempted to say that I butcher animals, but I'm afraid they'll think I'm a veterinarian.

Sometimes I feel I'm an app developer, a web developer, a sysadmin, an ethical hacker and a programmer who's comfortable in several languages. At other times, I feel like I just know how to use the internet.

I was a good programmer.

My teachers always impressed by work..
I was like coming up on my own solutions not from books. Never remembered any algo but still the one who solve mostly every problems

Well then..

joined companies after college.

I thought I will learn so many new things..

Yes i learned but I'm feeling like I'm losing the spirit of problem solving

I'm just doing same thing, same logic, making similar kind of application with just little difference.

Nothing is like i'm making something new... All I'm doing is using predefined java and android method..

To create some predefined designs and working.

Fucking similar client requirements.

Seems like time to quit job and dedicate myself toward research

I know it's a boring rant... I'm just fucking
*frustrated*

For some
Hope hope = new Hope() ;

An actual quote from a kid in my English Class:

"Because I'm a programmer, everything I make has to be perfect, cause that's what it's like when you work with code".

I hate when this happens:

Me: "I'm a programmer."
Other Guy: "Seriously? Can you fix my printer?"

"You're a programmer right? Can you fix my laptop?"
"Sure, lemme take a look but can't guarantee much since I'm not that familiar with windows"
"But you said you were a programmer?!"

Seriously, I haven't worked with windows properly in like seven FUCKING years!?! Being a programmer doesn't automatically mean that you know all operating systems 😡

I'm a PHP programmer and it hurts my heart whenever I see a lot of developers attack/hate PHP.

Why do they hate PHP that much? 😞

Maybe if I get a "world's #0 programmer" coffee cup people will think I'm under qualified to hack their Facebook...

I just told a colleague of mine, and worst programmer i got to know, to call me the alchemist.
Because I'm the one turning his shit to gold

Just like basketball player need good shoes, programmer deserve a better keyboard.

Definitely not show off. Just wanna say I'm a big fun of Cherry MX mechanical keyboard.

If I tell normal people I'm a computer programmer, I always get asked to fix something hardware related.

If I tell normal people I'm a software engineer, I get a "that's awesome" and don't get asked to fix anything. I'm sticking with this option.

I'm a programmer, I don't have life

Friend brings over a Windows 8 all in one laptop.
Friend: Can you fix my laptop
Me: I'm a programmer
Friend: I thought you worked with computers.
Me: I do... but I'm not tech support
Friend: Please?
Me: (reluctantly) Fine.
*many hours later after attempting to get the PC to boot from a USB. WHY DOES THIS PC NOT HAVE A KEY TO ENTER THE GOD DAMNED BOOT MENU AND HAS NO BOOT ORDER SELECTION?????!*
Friend: Have you fixed it?
Me: No
Friend: You suck at computers
Me: ....

Never spoke to him again.

My team member just rewrote all of my code and it looks beautiful and it works but and now i feel like I'm a terrible programmer :'(

So this is Reddit with a slick design specifically for complaining about how life as a programmer is annoying some of the time? I'm in.

When I started my job a year ago, I felt impostor syndrome. Now I think everyone around me is a fucking moron and I'm an elite programmer.

Am I just an asshole, or has my journey with this company expired?

Mom: Go outside a play.
Me: One I finish a couple more lines..
Mom: Get your #ss of the damn computer and go outside! BTW, I'm a 11 year old coder/programmer if you were wondering..

Wonder if I'll ever feel like a real programmer in web dev surrounded with C++ gurus that eat, sleep, and breathe memory allocation and optimization algorithms. I'm just over here like... You can go to this link and a pretty red box moves around on the screen

I'm a self taught "code enthusiast" (don't think of myself as a programmer just yet). I love to play around with simple code, but I could never get into a "serious" project cause in my mind, to be a programmer you need to know every single line of code and not rely on the internet.
The fact that I got into programming at 23 doesn't help cause I also feel like a parent learning to use a piece of modern technology(even tho I'm tech savvy).
Anyone got any advice?

How to take being a programmer
"Haha Windows is bad"
"Php more like phpepsi"
"When you were 12 I was coding in basic"
"I'm not like other programmers"
"Stack overflow comes to me for help"
"I don't use an ide because word 2007 has all the functionality I need"

Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly a good programmer, or if I can just google things better than the average bear.

CTO: I'm a programmer now *smug* (I'm just like you guys, but paid much better)

Tech leads:???

CTO: I coded python hello world this weekend (I'm a multi talented genius)

I HOPED I WOULDN'T BE BALD AS MY DAD BUT AT THIS RATE I WILL BE HAIRLESS FROM TEARING IT OUT ON MY BLOODY OWN

I got hired for cleaning up a 2 year project of rushed spaghetti code , where they previously only had 1 programmer aND HE WROTE 37 THOUSAND LINES OF CODE!

OH WE NEED A NEW FEATURE?! LEMME JUST RESEARCH THIS COMMENT-LESS CRAP FOR MULTIPLE MILLENIA BEFORE I CAN GRASP WHAT THE FLYING FRICKIN FRIDGE CODE DOES

To top it off, I've about ONE MONTH LEFT BEFORE BETA RELEASE TO FIX THE CODE!

I'm super grateful for this job as it's my first programming job BUT I'M GONNA SET THE REPOSITORY ON FIRE SOON AAAAHHHHHH

HOW CAN YOU, THE PREVIOUS PROGRAMMER, WORK IN THIS ENVIRONMENT WHERE MOSTLY ALL FILES ARE +2000 ROWS OF UNDOCUMENTED CODE

OH AND JUST GOT A MESSAGE FROM THE PREVIOUS PROGRAMMER:
"You can just remove the unused code and refractor it some, izi"

IZI MY SHITTY POOP CAR
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Now with that out of the way, how would you recommend handling a stressful release deadline?

Me: "I'm a programmer."
Them: "Oh! You work in IT!"
Me: "Kind of, except it takes years to mast the craft."
Then:: "Oh! You work in IT!"

I'm a shit programmer

I'm 29 and I assumed that by this point I'd be successful some way or another, either by being financially abundant or technically complex.

I am not, just mildly accomplished instead.

Here'a list of thing I consider challenges that I have:
* I tend to tunnel vision ideas that are terrible or execute them poorly because of said tunnel vision.
* I don't hone my skills, I usually consider my potentials the same as my actuals, as if I achieved everything already, probably product of ny huge ego.
* I communicate poorly with my boss, I sidetrack into thing he didn't ask
* I'm a mess when it comes to reading documentation online, I have the attention span of a fucking fish.
* I work alone, I have 0 networking status or skills.
* I take huge amounts of time to finish my side projects
* Of all the side projects I started I only finished one, the ones that I couldn't finish usually bevame insabely stressful things, so much and so many that I questioned myself many times if I should be a programmer or not.
* I have little discipline or organization, if I work in more than one thing at a time, i get really anxious and stressed.

I am not saying I'm not competent, I think I am (I'm looking at you imaginary scary recruiter googling this online), I'm just not really proud of myself

Every single group chat I'm in has started talking about multiple things at once and I'm always SOOOOOOOO tempted to make a comment about multithreading but then I remember that nobody else will find it funny. I NEED MORE PROGRAMMER FRIENDS.

I'm been hacking together software for the last year or so now and I've never considered myself to be a good programmer.

Today however I had to implement an A* search from scratch and with only the knowledge of how the algorithm should function I put together some code that looked correct.

I went to run my code expecting one of the typical "Index out of bound", "null reference", "something has not be initialised" BUT I was shocked to find that the code worked flawlessly.

I went into a weird state of shock and disbelief. I'm not naturally gifted at this stuff, so it was just really hard for me to accept that I might actually be getting better to the point where I might be able to say "I am a programmer"

Does anyone else get bad imposter syndrome?

I'm the only programmer in the company. Sometimes it's exhausting doing everything. I'm currently working on 3 iOS apps, a web app, building out the APIs and managing the databases at the same time.

Full fucking stack. Every day.

"Hey I am a programmer too! I can code anything, I bet I'm better than you!"
-
"Huh, that sounds cool! What languages do you like to write your programs in?"
-
............ "English"

🤦🏻‍♂🤦🏻‍♂
True story by the way, some guy I just met did this. I was not sure how to react. Should I laugh? Should I cry? Should I kill myself? Should I kill him?

I just saw this picture on the product page of a Thunderbolt dock. I'm not sure what this guy is doing, but no programmer of the world would mirror his laptop screen on two full size screens. Just no!

Is it just me? I hate feeling like I'm too old (35) to begin a tech career. I love programming, but get the sense that I missed the boat on learning enough to be a "successful" programmer. I'm crazy to think everyone getting hired in this field is younger, right?

I've been a programmer for years now. I've slowly been getting promotions and I'm a senior developer at a large company.

to anyone I look as if I am an extremely good programmer however I constantly feel out of place. I feel like I am way worse at coding than my co-workers and people underneath me but I keep getting complimented on it.

I feel like a fake.

does anyone else feel this?

Friend: hey can you make me a website?

Me: sure, what is it for?

Friend: 'whatever the site is for'

Me: Ok, what are the different tabs you want for the navigation bar?

Friend: Ummm... Idk yet

Me: Ok... So do you have an idea what you want the website to look like?

Friend: Ummm just make it look pretty

Me:

So... I was watching this ad of this University offering a software course... Can you notice something weird about the code? Hahaha
The subtitles say: "I'm a Programmer"

Hey DevRant!
I've been lurking for a few weeks now, and it bothered me that I couldn't like/dislike posts, so I finally decided to make an account. :D

I am currently a programming student, I'm in my third year. I started learning with C# but later I switched to Python, PHP and HTML5.

There's still many things I want to learn, this is just the beginning of my long, stressful yet rewarding life as a programmer. (:

They: "if you hang out with successful people a lot, you'll be successful too"

Me: *Joins devRant* "hey guys! how long before I'm a successful programmer?"

So I'm still a student in college.

I'm always in the library either writing code, or studying math (huge nerd).

People talk with each other, talk with girls, laugh with girls, and I'm just doing my thing.. alone.

I'm also reasonably attractive and super thin, and so girls also look at me alot (which scares me).

So people think I'm this super mysterious programmer guy that always has headphones on and is doing God knows what... Probably also awkward and super shy (which really is the case)..

Then out of nowhere, I'm laughing, smiling and having a blast because of something I read on devRant..

My cheeks hurt from because I try to keep the laughs in, and then when I can't take anymore I get out from library just to be able to laugh :D ...

Anyone else in a similar situation? Can you relate?

you know i'm a programmer now. we learned html at school.
- quote every tech kid from highschool

Does anyone else ever feel like they're too stupid to be a good programmer? Like some of the people here are very very intelligent. Meanwhile, I'm over here making a fucking 8% on a calculus exam. I just feel like I'm way too stupid to actually be good at this.

Whenever I see a programmer or hacker coding in a movie, I pause the movie and see if I can understand what the code is trying to do. If I can't understand it, I feel sad the rest of the day thinking I'm not a good enough programmer.

Me to designer: "I did the research and this just isn't possible to implement, I'm sorry"

What I actually mean: "There's a couple of ways I could implement that feature, but all of them require me to do sketchy things that destroy my integrity as a programmer."

Interviewer called me useless for reason that I am a self taught programmer and don't have a degree. She told me that I will have no future. Because self taught are just useless who who try to fit in the club.

This personally offend me so much. Yes, I'm self taught. At least I have a heart of learning rather than being arrogant ....

So I came back to my hometown for Chinese New Year (or Lunar New Year), the first thing I was asked by my parents was "Can you fix the landline?" 🙃🙃🙃

I'm a depressed programmer.

I'm 0x1E years old today!
And my friends reply to this: "is this a programmer joke?"

Why are people on StackOverflow so fucking harsh? I'm a newbie programmer so I'm sorry if I didn't word my question to your specific liking, but you don't have to down vote it because you don't like it or you feel it's beneath you. Maybe give some pointers (without jumping down my throat) so that I'll get better instead of getting me closer to being banned from asking questions. I see other questions that I think suck, but no down votes!

I dream of meeting a programmer girl. I'm starting to think only programmers understand me, and therefore yadda yadda

Friends' Boss: You're one of the programmers, right?
Friend: Yes sir.
Boss: I need you to fix this layout problem for me.
Friend: But sir, I'm a back end programmer, I hardly know anything about style stuff...
Boss: You're a programmer, you'll figure it out.

That's not how it works, that's not how any of this works.

What's the best keyboard (type/model) for a programmer in your opinion, based on your experience?

I always used the keyboards included with the PC, never thought much about that, but now I would like to invest in something better.
I found a lot of articles on internet, but each one says different things, so I'm sure the devRant community is more reliable.

Thanks in advance!

Below the one I'm using write now.

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another.

 A lady walking by notices him and says

"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."

Person: So what do you do?

Me: I'm a programmer

Person: So you're good with computers? You know mines been having this problem...

Me: *Kicking them in the shin and running is always an option*

I spent 5 years as sole programmer on a Doom 3 total conversion. Joined the team as a shitty C programmer that didn't know C++, and just hit the books and got rid of the social life. The successful part is that we actually finished it.

It's just a game mod and my fist foray onto a new language, and current project will hopefully soon replace it as my biggest & best show of skill, but I'm still proud of it.

Boss left. Now I'm the only c# developer left to maintain 137 projects at this company. I woke up to a flood of emails with 3 requests and 2 applications breaking because he was a shitty programmer and didn't understand layering and design patterns and unit testing. Fucking dear God help.

More of a question than a rant. What to do regarding programming.

I'm self taught, php, c, c#, and I make stupid little programs that make my life easier as a sys admin.

I want to ask, how do I take things further? Where I'm from, it's really hard to get a job as a programmer without 5 years experience and knowledge in 5 other languages.

Do I try and make bigger apps to showcase myself and hope someone finds me, or what do I do in this instance. I'm not a fully fledged coder, but I'm comfortable and if I don't know something i learn it pretty quickly.

Is there a way that you get a job, even as a junior? Or is it pure luck?

I'm gonna be a good programmer someday. Bet on it

I guess I'm not the only one who sometimes code in my dreams while sleeping. Maybe it's because working as a programmer is like a dream come true.

Don't talk to me I'm a programmer!

First, I'll kill you
make you leave all your children
Then I'll chop off your HEAD
now you're a zombie
I'll thread all your limbs back together
you can never REST
because I'm a master of all slaves
this is a test
And if I'm finally done with you
I'll leave you for garbage collection
Hello World!
Don't talk to me

You will know your 2 year old dev team is messed up when the 'best programmer of the bunch' does a line like:

boolean check = ...some logic...;
if(check == true) {...

:/ and I'm going to be leading this team..

I'm a junior ASP.NET programmer who just graduated and currently undergoing a trainee program bootcamp by my company. Got any Visual Studio tips or extensions I should use? (I know some of you hate vs but still)

More like a confession it is
I'm a newbie programmer
Just by scrolling the feed and reading the comments here i've learnt much more than i could from books
so turns out devRant is a great community!

I'm a programmer, but I won't fix your computer! This would be like asking a musician to fix your radio.

It's my 19th birthday today! I've had a good year as a programmer, my best yet actually. A year ago I never would have thought about coding a browser but now I'm building up to it with smaller projects like programs that communicate to each other from other computers, more advance gui, c language and wrapping c with python. I never thought I'd get to this but I'm only getting better and I thank this community for being here supporting me. Honestly I cant wait for this year and I cant wait to post more :)

-I'm a programmer.
=how many languages do you have?
-html and css
=....
-....

Was fired after 3 months. My boss said "how did you even pass engineering school?!"

I'm not a skilled programmer... and never will be!

I'm a junior programmer at a small company with mostly web dev. I had a C# project and before the deadline I granted access to the project repository one of my boss/senior coder. Several hours later I got an email with the whole project zipped and a note: I made some modifications, check it out.

Why someone doesn't want to use some kind of version control system?

I don't think I'm the only one who has this problem as a programmer and a father.

Whenever my friend messages me to debug his code or to correct the errors, I google the line with the error, open the first result and copy and send the solution to him.

Now he thinks I'm a badass programmer😂

So here I am in class with just two weeks of knowledge in coding and this douchebag level 300 comes in like, 'Hey i'm a hacker and mid tier programmer and i can see you struggling with your basic code can i be of help?'... so I'm like, 'yh man. I'm a transfer biology student and i don't know a sh*t about coding but i have managed to buid a fine website of just two pages but i would also like to try hacking but first what programming languages do you know?' Guess what......the lil f*cker said HTML. I mean I may not know much but i know that can and will never be a programming language.

Not exactly wrong there. I got started at 10 with odds and ends for fun.

Took a semester of it in college before switching because the compiler and I didn't get along.

Only to pick it back up via self-study 10 years later because the programmer who came on board for a side project never showed up and I wanted to keep things moving.

10 years later still, I'm now running a web design shop full time.

For once I'm actually relieved Stackoverflow is down, when I opened this page I immediately started reading the code out of habit - for a few seconds I was like "holyshit what the fuck have you gotten yourself into this time!? I was googling syntax...".

The only reason I looked up in the end to realize I'm a few sandwiches short of a picnic is that after a few seconds the color scheme made my eyes bleed and I wanted to know wtf was going on with the font. I think I've had enough internet for one day...

HTTP/1.1 420 "Error: Programmer is too stoned to repsond."

Being a programmer for a while now it always irritates me to try to explain what I'm working on to friends and family. I forget what I knew before I developed. I'm always like "I made the strings in the database- oh I mean the words...well they're actually more like strings of letters- well anyway I made a code to sanitize the user input- I mean make it so it is secure before uhhh saving." I spend so much time watering what I'm saying down I forget what I'm talking about

It's not even funny. It'd be funny if one single person in my family or friend group understood what I meant to some degree.

Declined a job offer with a startup, partly because of imposter syndrome. Applied for position as programmer, showed up for interview and got cold feet when it turned out they actually wanted/needed a senior programmer/chief technology officer and offered me the position after having asked me no technical questions, seen none of my code or previous projects.

Still, it was a job that paid money... And I'm still jobless two months later :(

We're gonna make t-shirts connected with smart advertisements on it. I heard you are a programmer, I'll only need a web site and mobile app. If it work I may pay you. But you know it's seems quite easy I'm note sure you'll need money for that.

My friends have to understand that I'm a programmer not a computer fixer. Fuck all this bullshit

I'm embarrassed to say I'm a php programmer. Time to learn a new language. No offense to any php lovers out there. All love ❤

Another chapter in the life of a novice programmer:

I work a lot with PHP and Laravel, but I feel I'm ready for different challenges. I spent all of last week searching online and getting advice on what language I should focus on next. My two first options were Java and C... So naturally I ended up choosing Python :P

At least I'm certain now and already started studying and wow, I think I made the right choice!

how to drive a programmer insane

hook the RTC so it ticks backwards

*you think i'm joking but this shit really happened, look up "Virus.DOS.BackTime"*

Yes, i'm a programmer
No, I do not install windows and drivers
No, I don't know what is the best laptop for you
No, I don't know why your internet is lagy
I'm sorry, I'm just a programmer

Met a girl on tinder
She asked - what do you do?
I said - I'm a programmer
She said -
Sorry I don't date nerds :(

My brother, who is a programmer too, throwed the big java book at me and said: Read this and you'll have a job. So I read it and got a job. I'm a practical learner, so I just picked up the basics from the book. OOP and all that I learned while working. It was like a decently payed apprentice position. But I was my own teacher.

story time

I'm a C++ programmer and they have given me CSS, Javascript, Java, PHP and C# vacancies.. because I'm a programmer and they think I can do the rest.. YES I can.. NO i don't want to

One day I was invited at the recruitment office. had a talk for like 30 minutes.. where after they said yeah we have a game dev company for you.. then they said which one... Yes that Is indeed in this city... their SALES division not their DEV devision!

One day I came to a recruitment office 30min travel time.. and in the conversation it was me who talked about 30 minutes that recruiters don't understand the difference between javascript and C++. .. they asked me If I knew MySql.. for a backend job..

How can recruiters be THIS stupid.

Fuck this shit.. I don't fucking know shit about using Facebook or Google+... I'm a fucking programmer, just because I work with computers I don't have to know how you're supposed to go about making your fucking Facebook page...damn this gets on my nerves.

When I say "I'm a programmer", Please, don't ask me to install windows for you. It it isn't my full time job.

This kid on the tape is me. I'm not even two years old there and I'm already messing around with wires.

Five minutes later on that tape I figured out how to turn the vacuum cleaner on and tried to tie it to the cassette deck.

No wonder why I'm a programmer now 😂

I'M A PROGRAMMER,

I CAN'T FIX IDIOTS

I've always felt like a world class programmer after printing a hello world message on screen until now.
People are continuously ranting some technical shit that's completely above my head on devrant.
Fuck you for downing my morale
PS: I'm still in love with it!^_^

Oh no internet?

Hmm...I'm no longer a programmer then.

But I will be as soon as I can talk with my friend Google!

First week of work.

Coder comes to me and says: "have you cut your nails?".

The designer says "i think you should paint yours nails" to start programming

... i thought for a while so i c# them. True Story...

i'm a female programmer btw...

I'm not yet a programmer, I'm still learning. But is it normal to get so frustrated when I can't find a solution to something and start feeling totally useless?
It's funny because after a sleep I sit down again and usually fix the problem

* Got a date *
She : I'm a programmer.
Me : wow that's great! Which language do ya prefer to code?
SHE : HTML .

* And that's where I ran away *

"yeah I'm a programmer"
"Great! Can you fix my laptop?"

Not quite a rant... more of a question.

So, I'm almost 40 years old. I have a lot of work experience in varying fields, much of it in low-level management.

Truth is I've ALWAYS wanted to be a programmer.

I recently got into a somewhat competitive training program
where I'm learning to write Java, and will subsequently learn Android development. It's fairly in-depth, so it will take 10 moths to complete. My ultimate goal it's to work as a mobile dev at a great company, making products people love. Ambitious, I know.

My question is: Am I a fool for attempting to get into this field at this age? I'm starting to panic a little. I'm not sure if I'm wasting my time, or if 40 is too old to be the "newbie".

Thoughts?

Boss: oh so you are working on that unrealistic 3week project ? Let me also assign you some completely unrelated office work.
Me: But I'm a programmer, researching other companies and contacting them looking for new projects is not part of my job descrip...
Boss: oh don't worry I'm sure you'll do great!
Me: that's not what I'm sayi...
Boss: ok I have to go now, have it ready by tomorrow!
Me:(crying internally)...ok.

There are always three questions i get asked when i tell people I'm a programmer:

Can you take a look at my phone/laptop/pc etc...?

Can you hack?

Whats the green stuff from matrix?

Conference call with customer:

Me: You want your customers to see orders that YOU cancelled on them? Are you sure about that? Won't that upset some of them?

Customer: Nope we want that.

Me: Uh ok....

-weeks later-

Customer: OMG OUR CUSTOMERS CAN SEE ORDERS WE CANCELLED!!!

ʅ͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡(Ɵ۝Ө)ʃ͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡

Like bro, I'm just the programmer but sometimes we understand things ..... stop and listen for a moment...

Friend: what do you do?
Me: I'm a programmer
Friend: could you fix my computer ?
Me: Kill Me(Thinks).

There are two programmer mindsets:
1) I have no idea what I'm doing
2) I am a god

My first manager : "You will never be a programmer! Network guys don't know shit."

That was after working as a MCSE for 2 years (that was for NT4... fuck I'm getting old) for this asshat and maintaining their servers and fixing their crappy sql.

Worked and studied my ass off... now I manage a team of 40 developers... and I still love coding!

I just got my first developer job woohoo :)

I told some friend of a friend that I'm gonna be a programmer, and he responded with: "Oh, you mean, like, computer stuff?"

😑

Now I feel bad for calling myself a programmer as a highschooler after seeing so many people shitting on the younger people. Goddammit I picked up programming because I thought it was cool and fun not because I want money or shit. I'm not the retard kiddies that overstate my ability. I like coding, I just like coding.

Now I wanna quit.

In the future, when someone asks me what I do for a living, I'll answer
-"I'm a programmer" [1 sec pause] "I'm not a printer mechanic".

A couple of weeks ago I went to an interview where I was asked the following questions back to back: "What would you do if you were the prime minister?" && "What would you do if you were the attorney general of the United Nations".
Needless to say, I wasn't prepared for that...

First time posting here. I'm a programmer with Python as a main. Currently exploring both Java and C++, trying to move past the basics and into more advanced content.

I look forward to posting and interacting with others on this site.

Oh you're a real programmer because you use pointers.... Big man you are. Meanwhile I'm at home because I use a garbage collector and don't have any memory bugs.

I live in a small town and work remotely. When I tell people, (even young ones) I'm a programmer/web developer they think I install programs or make simple sites. I try to explain to them that I make the things but it perplexes them. Maybe because they think all apps are made by hi tech wizards and not average joes like myself working for average companies. Any of you other countryfolk have similar experiences?

So I decided to help my Mom's Mom setup an Amazon Fire TV. Now I've been here for about 3 - 4 hours and I'm setting up 2 Fire Tv's, A Router, Writting down passwords, setting up an Amazon account with Prime and fixing her computer.. 😤😢

So my girlfriend was Gavin wifi problems and she calls me to fix it with vague description of what's happening (not even enough to google).
"But I'm a programmer?"
"And?"
"That's networking, they're quite different"
"It's computer stuff it can't be that different"

while reading rebecca & brain's book on object oriented software. I realised that the programmer is a special kind of person. the complexity he can handle, the struggle to implement a system, from input to output, satellite control, AI, robotics, heck, even the planning required for a simple android app, the complexity is overwhelming at first, then you get your jotter and break it down into parts, and you drive yourself to the edge of sanity figuring out an algorithm, then you go over that edge implementing it, but oh that great super hero feeling when you finally get something to work exactly as specified, I'm not sure people in other professions can understand the satisfaction. I'm very young in the whole programmer world, but I'm growing fast, I'm just really grateful programming found me, I mean, can you think of something else you'lld rather do? yeah, me neither.

So I'm not one to show off something buuuuuuut, I'm a programmer and can barely draw a straight line let alone do pixel art, but I decided fuck it; let's try again and considering the left figure was the first compared to the right being the 10th, I'd say that's not to fucking bad :-D

I've been working as a programmer for 16 years now, and would say I'm not inexperienced, so it's frustrating to feel like a noob after months at a new company when they have poor internal documentation, hundreds of repos with default readme, pretty much no use of docker, sub standard equipment and use their own weird software for deployment. It's hard to meet expectations under these conditions.

Already have it.
CNC operator.
I wanted to be cnc programmer but for now I'll have to work with the machines.
And I love it...
Making steel pieces with a 0.01mm precision...
Preparing the tools...
Operating the machine...
That's why I'm doing my own... For over 3 years (no money to finish yet hehe).
Also, got unemployed so I made a 3D drawing formation.
Now I can design, program and machine a full mold.
To bad company owners in my country (Portugal) like slave work... And I'm not accepting jobs for the minimum wage or I would be employed already.

Just wanted to take a moment to say that I'm really impressed with devrant. I'm not the most talented programmer, and it just blows my mind how one/two devs can build this entire platform from scratch on their free time. I wouldn't even know where to start.

I'm a happy programmer. My thing works.

ASCII art studio. Running in Linux console using c++ and ncurses. Mouse compatible.

CW tech demo 2 coming soon... Interactive tech demo this time!

So, I'm feeling a real programmer right now XD
Tired af and with a bug to fix.......
How's your day?

I don't like others to know that i'm a programmer. Do you agree or why shall they know? It just changes their opinion on you.

I'm sorry but Laravel is for brainless programmers who wants to be spoon feed all the time.

Laravel is maybe fast to develop and easy to understand but its only because it is poorly designed/written.

That damn Eloquent, if misuse by ignorant or amateur programmer, will definitely bring a disaster to the whole system.

I know it's not recommended to write git commit messages in past tense, but it makes more sense to me to use it. Maybe I'll change as I grow and learn more in the programmer world, but as for now, I'm going to be a rebel and ignore convention😎

I'm thinking of tattooing "reload the fucking debug-config you giant moron" on both of my arms and giving away all my long-sleeved shirts to charity to help me become a better programmer.

I'm a programmer who is still learning, and I've been having some nasty impostor syndrome lately. How do you deal with it? And does anyone know some websites with good programming tests/quizzes? I want to see how much I know.

(also first rant yay)

Two states of a developer every day:

• Fuck this job. I hate everyone and everything. My code sucks. It's not working. Why did I choose this career?! I am so miserable.

• It works! I'm a programmer god. Oh my goodness I'm smarter than everybody.

Had a really slow Android programmer at my last job.
It took him over two weeks to add a slider to a screen, the boss comes over and asks why he isn't finished. The coder responded: I'm sorry! I'm bad at using the keyboard!

He got fired a while after and later we found out that he had only been copy+pasting code from websites.

!myrant

I'm a junior developer in a small company alongside with a fellow programmer. Since I have an interest in Security and our Sys Admin left, my boss offered me to do some sys admin stuff.

I feel bad for my fellow programmer just because there is an old man in the company that doesn't come to me with his tech problems and goes to him.

Something like this goes down today:
OM: Hey, I can't watch my Fox Live News. Can you help me?
FP: The problem isn't on our side

*OM keeps pestering him*

FP: Let me check it out

*Goes and fix the issue and comes back laughing *

My coworker is to kind 😬😂😅

Thanksgiving dinner:
"What are you doing these days"
"I'm a programmer"
"Ah"
*Cold silence*
"... Who watched football"
mfw

I'm a programmer, but not a magician.

My GF is also a programmer. But we rarely talk about coding stuff.

Everything is fine with just one problem.

When I have a good focus on whatever I'm doing, I have trouble giving attention to other things and people around me. When doing Programming especially.

So I often feel bad that I couldn't give her enough care and time.

Working for a company with solid procedures really makes me appreciate how important they are. Knowing someone will be scanning through my pull request made me *really think* about appropriate layout and commenting. Before I could submit any old code and the other programmer wouldn't give a monkeys.

I guess that's a poor reflection on my performance but, I'm working on it

"You're a programmer, dammit!" Damian Conway

I'm at a seminar given by Conway right now, so much stuff I wish I had heard before about how to be more productive and how to stay "in the zone" while programming without distractions. If any of you ever gets a chance of following one of his seminars (he also wrote books), it's highly recommended.

This girl asked should she call me, I told her baby just wait, I'm a programmer I'll call you

My first day of my internship. I was confident in my abilities to develop, but wow. I was totally put in place after the first day. I realized that I didn't know as much as I thought. Almost wanted to change career paths. I'm thankful for that day because it really made me push on and become a better person and programmer!

I have this idea for a story, but I lack graphic talent. It's always frustrated me that I can't bring the ideas in my head out in to visual form, but the programmer in me knows how to be descriptive enough.

Thanks to AI I genuinely think I might be able to make my story as a visual novel. Here's one of the first successful renders of a scene.

This might just work. I'm excited...

How'd I know if I'm a good programmer or just good at googling.

Damn life.
Life is very hard.
Social relationships are very difficult.
I am so lonely.
Not friendship.
Not a girlfriend.
All I have is my laptop.
My only companion is a laptop.
The only person sitting on my feet is my laptop.

Well, I'm a programmer, so what?
What kind of person am I?
What is the purpose of my creation?

How to spot the difference between a tech enthusiast and an actual Programmer/Engineer in 2019?

Tech Enthusiast: I'm really excited about the New X, it's going to be the fastest machine in the market. It's got gimmick feature A, gimmick feature B, actual feature A ......

Programmer/Engineer: So I bought this 8-year-old Thinkpad from eBay yesterday, wifi isn't working but I could just buy an off-market wifi card and fix it. Might also replace the old HDD with a new SSD. Would probably start using it as my daily driver once it's fixed.

So how does one become a freelance programmer? I'm thinking of becoming a hobo drifter, but I would like to keep my car.

You know that I'm pretty young for a programmer(as I said the other time) and instead of working on my website I'm dragged to macy's

I want to die -_-

Can't wait to get a dev girlfriend,
make her my {World},
then start learning new languages even the weird ones so that I can do
~Hello {Her Name}~

Tl;dr: I'm a shitty PHP programmer, but even a shittier JS programmer.

I made a whole image upload system which has an elaborate login/sign up facility, checks the dimensions of an image, it's size, checks if it's broken, compares it to previous uploads to prevent duplicates, take comments, sorts them per user and stores it efficiently in a db and accesses it using PDO, not mySQL, displays it as a gallery, and even lets the users transfer images amongst them.
But I can't make a simple shopping cart in js.

Why? Just, why?

Anyone else slightly annoyed by the recent uptick of "look at me cute and I'm a programmer" accounts on Instagram? NO YOU WRITE JAVASCRIPT AND RUN WHATS BASICALLY A LIFESTYLE INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT. SIT DOWN.

I just realized that i'm the 3rd programmer on the male side of my family to work for the same company the same job! Is this a programmer lineage? 😂😂

Maybe it's just cause I fucking hate the elitism in the engineering college and every engineer I've met, but why do devs want to be called engineers? I'm a programmer, a developer, a coder, fucking anything rather than an engineer.
I associate that word with know-nothing "book-smart" fuckwads who think they're better than everyone, even someone doing the same thing without their useless degree.

"Do you know OOP in Java?"
"No, I don't."
"How about POJO?"
"I dunno too."
"Okay, so what do you know?"
"Pascal."
"Then why do you call yourself a Java programmer, dude?"
"Cuz, I'm a programmer, and I'am a Javanese."
"Oh..."

I'm a hobby programmer and i don't hav any programming ideas! How do you all get programming ideas?

"Don't worry I used to be a programmer, I'm a cool project manager"

...Scariest words I've herd in a long time

Hello everyone ;)
i'm 19 yo and in past 3 years i tried to be a front-end developer and every time i start to learn, after few weeks i just give up. i feel so dumb and lazy and i don't like that and i decided to change my mind and my life. but sometimes i ask to myself "really do i want to be a programmer?! maybe i'm dumb for these kinda jobs"

*Screaming Internally* I'm really, REALLY, stressed.

We just entered the final sprint for the finishing of a major project. This is my first "Launch" type achievement since I started working as a programmer(I started almost exactly a year ago)

We have a lot of work done on the project, and it's very clearly near "Completion" but we all know a programmers job is never done.

But specifically I've been thinking about the code i've worked on. I've been at the burnt out phase of the development for a week now, I haven't been getting a lot done, and I can't help but stress that my code is going to be what breaks on launch day and i'm going to get canned or something...

It's not that i'm a bad programmer(at least I don't think) but more or less that I just have been so stressed I think I've made some mistakes, and I think it's going to blow up in my face, and I might lose my job over it.

How do you guys deal with work stress?

I use Google for anything I don't know ,
Does that mean I'm a bad programmer?
If so , if I memorize everything I googled once , will I be a good programmer ?
How do good programmers find the solution? Do they try everything ? Kinda brute force ?

I'm Programmer/Analyst in one of the hgh ranking BPO company here at Philippines.

I'm currently on a project, I'm on a team who's managing machines parts. The project is CATERPILLAR.

The biggest challenge here is if there is a outage on the system, the number of Severity 1 issues keeps coming like there's no tomorrow. And there's only 5 of us on Tier 2 which is managing this abends, errors, bugs in the system.

Is there a way on preventing this outage/connection error. Like HELLO IT IS A BIG COMPANY !!! HOW THE HELL THEY CAN'T EVEN MANAGE THEIR CONNECTION!!!!

Aren't u tired of machine learning, deep learning, IA, etc in news?

Everybody things that because I'm a programmer I should be updated about this things

Guys, how often do you feel inferior to your colleagues? I'm just thinking since I've just finished first year of uni, and although I got a solid top grade, I can't help but feel that every other person in the year is a much better programmer and it kinda makes me feel like a fraud. Anybody else in university/school feel like that?

some days are very frustrating , i had a task today in which client want a page where he can add bulk of car details on the same page.
now jquery fucked me.
I want to do something to release stress. Why do I get stuck at shitty problems sometimes ?
Damn I'm a noob programmer

My dream till I die is to be a programmer!! I'm still learning...

Wk33:

Best experience of 2016 is probably just realising I'm a pretty good programmer. I have a physics undergraduate degree and a 1 year masters in CS, I'm working on back end algorithm stuff so pretty mathsy at times, but I've found from working with others that I write good quality code. I've still got lots to learn but I've got a solid foundation, am reading, learning and coding outside of work.

Worst experience of 2016 is working with people for whom it's purely a day job, only about the money, get things done in whatever hacky way works.

So I've mentioned before that I'm pretty much the sole programmer for my robotics team. I'm on vacation for a week, and the other programmer has to take over.

Is it normal that, since I made the code work and wrote it almost all myself, I am fearful that she's gonna fuck it all up? I kind of want her to work on it slowly so I don't worry too much...

I'm fairly new (less than a year) to programming and I'm just wondering what everyone's thoughts are about this.

Is taking college math courses necessary to be a good programmer?

I am learning online and I'm worried I won't be a great programmer without all the math. The last course I took was Trig :/

Also add any suggestions you have. Thanks all!

!rant A guy is standing on the corner of the street! smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."

You guys ever have to explain whole project to another employee because you are the only one that know and worked on this project.
Worst thing is that guy is not even a programmer and I have to teach him c# first 😤 I'm soo angry

I'm not exactly a programmer right now but I'm trying my best to become one ASAP. Hats off to you guys. The toughest part is finding motivation and time.

PC setup upgrade

I'm making baby steps, at least I can boast of a very standard PC and write code in peace and use all that screen real estate to my advantage

looking back at two years ago when I was crying and begging my parents for just a core 2 duo laptop that I could learn programming with,

now I almost have all that is needed and an even stronger drive to push my limits and become a better programmer

yes, the kind of PC makes a lot of difference when writing code.

I'm still unemployed and relying on small side contracts but it's still a big step and a consolation for me when I consider the crap I have been through for years

I'm not stopping, higher we go