Bf: what you doing?
Me: coding
Bf: do you ever stop working?!
Me: I'm not 'working', I'm doing my own project.
Bf: but you do that at work. Why do you want to keep doing it?
Me: it's fun?

--- a few days later ---

Bf: what you doing?
Me: reading.
Bf: omg you're not coding! What are you reading?
Me: a book about coding
Bf: *faceplam*

GF: What are you doing there?
Dev: I've been trying to reproduce a bug for two hours now...
GF: You need two bugs the opposite sex, otherwise they won't reproduce.

From a sad true story.

My girlfriend saw me coding in XCode.
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Ahmm. Coding.
GF: *saw the colors in every line of code
GF: That's easy. You just need to follow the color pattern. Green, Blue, Red and Yellow.
Me:
Macbook:
XCode:
Charger:

BTW. She's a Preschool Teacher. Hahahaha

Stranger: "what are you doing?"
Me:"I'm developing a WPF app for a personal project"
Stranger:"So it's for Windows...I prefer Linux because...blah blah"
Me: -.-

Sometimes I feel like Linux users are the Vegans of the tech world...

* phone conversation with Dad*
Dad: What are you doing?
Me: Busy creating website.
Dad: So, if I type " www", will I be able to see it?
Me: *explaining website hosting and servers for 15mins straight*
Dad: Huh. You do learn something in college then.
Me:🤐

I was explaining to my mom how my company is in need of developers and how we'll need more of them in the future - to which she replied:

"oh... what are you going to do? You can't live without a job!"

- erm? What?

"Well - you're not smart like those guys. You'll probably get fired now."

- Wtf mom!? I'm a friggin lead dev and i've been a developer for like 10 years now!? 😳

*silence* "is that what you've been doing? I thought you just kept clicking on stuff"

(Me using the CMD in class)

Schoolmate: What are you doing?

Me: Using the CMD, it makes stuff really easier.

Schoolmate(loudly): *MY NAME* is hacking the schooooool.

Ignorant idiots now I am not allowed to use my laptop in class anymore.

Mom: what are you doing ?

Me: i'm installing daemons in my computer.

Mother: *sprays me with holy water

"Dad, where does the babies come from?"
"Well...err...um...do you have any other questions left?"
"What are you doing as a developer?"
🤔
"Ok...let's talk about babies..."

*me, coding at a pub*
*random dude walks up to me*
He: "what are you doing? Programming? What?"
Me: "yup. That's a horizontally and vertically scalable webservice, that's using amqp, rest APIs and encryption to schedule starting, stopping and autoscaling of a total of 90 heroku applications. This webinterface *showing* allows you to trigger starts and stops manually and monitor all processes."
He: "oh, so you are programming a Website? In HTML?"
Me: "euhm........ Yes."

I understand this dude had probably no clue what I was talking about.. Yet I am angry at him. Reducing more than 12k loc to HTML... Go fuck yourself.

*Interview*

Interviewer: We have an opening. Are you interested to work?

Me: What is that I'll be doing?

I: What technologies and languages do you know?

Me: I know Scala, Java, Spark, Angular, Typescript, blah blah. What is your tech stack?

I: Any experience working on frontend?

Me: Yes. But what do you use for it?

I: Can you work with databases?

Me: I can, on SQL based. What are yours?

I: Can you do big data processing?

Me: I know Spark, if that's what you are asking for. What is it that you actually do?

I: Any experience in cloud development?

Me: Yes. AWS? Azure? GCP?

I: Do you know CI CD?

Me: Excuse me.. I've been asking a lot of questions but you're not paying attention to what I'm asking. Can you please answer the questions I asked.

I: Yes. Go ahead.

Me: What will be my position?

I: A full stack developer.

Me: What technologies do you use in your project?

I: We use all the latest tech.

Me: Like?

I: All latest tech.

Me: You mentioned big data processing?

I: Yes. Processing data from DB and generating reports.

Me: what do you use for that?

I: Java.

Me: Are you planning to rebuild it using Spark or something and deploy in the cloud?

I: No we're not rebuilding it. Just some additions to the existing.

Me: Then what's with cloud? Why did you ask for that?

I: Just to know if you're familiar.

Me: So I'll be working with Java. Okay. What do you use for UI?

I: Flash

Me: 🙄

I sat for a couple of minutes contemplating life.

I: Are you willing to join?

Me: No. Not at all. Thankyou for the offer.

FOR FUCK SAKE ANDROID STUDIO!!! 5GB RAM WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!! I NEED THOSE VMs RUNNING AND USING 5GB IS NOT COOL AT ALL!!

The perfect example of misinformation appeared on a Dutch news site today.

It said that thousands of sites had the 'secure' *mark* due to running https but weren't actually secure because they were malicious.

Those cunts are mixing up the thing called a connection with fucking content/what happens on a site.

And those Russians are spreading fake information, right? You didn't even have examples of that and now you're doing it yourself.

Hey Mm...Morty. What are you doing?

Oh gee Rick, I’m just...you know...using Linux and telling the internet how that makes me better than them.

Morty, you rr...realize that it...it...doesn’t matter what OS you use Morty. Y...y...you’re still a piece of shit Morty. I can prove it...burp...mathematically Morty. In the grand scheme of the universe...y...y...you are a bubble sort algorithm surrounded by quick sorts Morty.

Oh gee Rick.

If you are copy pasting code from somewhere else, spend some time and effort to understand what that piece of code is actually doing, and how much of your requirement does it satisfy.

My parents my whole childhood:

What are you *** doing in front of that screen?!?!
Stop playing GAMES and go out and do something with your life!
You are WASTING your LIFE on ****!
You will NEVER get a job.

Today I am payed more than 20th times as my dad was payed in my age.
They finally stopped complaining.

You know what? Fuck this shit. We spend most of our life locked down in a school, we are being told facts, tested and stressed for many years with the only hope to get out as soon as possible.
Failing is something that keeps you there indefinitely.
Parents keep pushing on kids to achieve the best and get good grades to have a job.
Then something happens.
You get out of school and what happens?
You start working.
A.k.a modern slavery...
Employers thinks that since you are young they are doing YOU a favor if they decided to hire you.
So you find yourself having to do the same tasks everyone is doing, perhaps you are even fully capable of managing them and get the shit done but guess what!!
You are paid the minimum.
You barely make enough to pay off your rent which keeps you locked away from Holidays abroad, from that huge cake you desperately want.
And guess what! Try to raise your voice and you'll get fired in a Matter of seconds, replaced with someone else which accepts any condition.
You dream of a house, a family and a car but you can't even eat healthy with that salary.
So you are forced to buy cheap and low quality food from the same store again and again till you had enough and spend some days with that horrible feeling...
Calling you to get a job interview feels like they are doing you a favor, they always try to give the minimum possible and expect you to work in a serious manner and respect their deadlines.
Colleagues earn a lot more even though they aren't doing anything different from you.
For the first year you won't have any holiday, let alone traveling or anything different from just staying home for 3 days straight.

Banks won't give you a loan because your job doesn't pay off
The day that your car is broken you struggle to eat the whole month.

On top of that, taxes. Because they aren't taking away enough.

I don't want to live this life, I don't want to become a modern slave and work 8-17 everyday for the rest of my life and retire with a shitty retirement pension that won't probably grant me anything again.

I had enough of this shit.
I don't want to go back to work and pretend to do what I am supposed to do with a smile on my face knowing that I am just a number and that no matter how skilled I am I can always get replaced with N number of people for a lower salary of mine.

I am tired
I dream of a life that I won't ever reach this way.

Today I looked up houses prices and felt like shit.
I will never in my entire life be able to afford something so expensive, let alone buying furnitures and what is needed or what I like.

I dream of having my place, my dog and my family but apparently I am asking too much.

How is this even fair in 2018/2019?

I... I am... Speechless.
I wonder how many people out there are in the same situation or even worse and I can't even wrap my mind around that.

This is just modern slavery.

My boss makes a shit load of money from young people that can't complain because they are threatened and will eventually be replaced...

This is my rant.

What are you doing with 2KB of ram?
1969: NASA - "We just put some guys on the moon and got them back to Earth safely."

2018: Me - "I'm just struggling to run a 10 line Java program that prints the answer to an addition problem to the console."

Just because Facebook/Google/Apple are doing something, it doesn't mean it's the future of technology.

No, we're not going to throw out large parts our perfectly good tech stack just because you liked their latest blog post.

If you wanted to always play "follow the shiny thing", you should have become a jeweller. Please learn what independent thought is and how to apply it, the results might surprise you!

Me: Push... peek... push.... Pop...
Husband: What are you doing?

These fresh new college grads...calling themselves Full Stack Developers...
Ask them to consume a web service and I get a blank look...ask them to create a REST service and they are like WTF are you talking...
Has it come to the point that people just keep throwing around terms without understanding the inherent philosophy or idea behind them or is it like it's just to show that they are the "COOL" kids...with no actual idea of what the fuck they are doing ???

Dad: What are you doing with your life?

Me: Enjoying it. Can you say the same?

My dad degrades me for my programming because he's from 'that generation.' Fuck him, Imma do what I enjoy, cause I'm damn well sure I don't want to end up like him.

I got assigned approximately 20 tasks, all are high priority.

Coworker got assigned 2 tasks, (“like fix button sizes and padding”, “localisation “)

He completed.

I got questioned: “are you sure you are a senior developer? Are you doing your work at all? If your coworker can finish low priority tasks in a day , why you as a senior can’t? “

Me :”if you have the ability to see , please tell me how many tasks I have that are in high priority.”

“Exactly, I need you to complete it now , I expect more from you as a senior. “

Me: “why not you tell me which tasks are higher priority? Because can’t be all are urgent. If everything is urgent , nothing is urgent.”

“Stop giving excuses, be a team player.”

Me :” how is it making excuses for asking urgencies of the tasks?”

“Hahaha you called yourself a senior. What a joke”

Me:”likewise, you called yourself a Project manager yet can’t manage. What a joke indeed.”

Personal projects are the best.

Coming home after work.
Cooking diner and cleanup, dishwash stuff.
Giving some attention to partner.
Exercise, because you have been sitting all day.
And then the one hour that is left before you need to sleep. You fire up the project just to realize that you forgot what you have been doing. And start browsing devrant instead.

Great day. let's try again tomorrow.

Her: What are you doing over there?
Me: I'm working on cryptographic hash functions
Her: is that really homework?
Me: yes, come look with your two eyes.
Her: ...
Me: crazy stuff, no?
Her: I imagine computer science is really just a lot of boxes and arrows.
Me: *flashback to UML, ERD diagrams, and logic diagrams*
Me: you are not wrong.

!rant

My girlfriend sat on my lap the other day when I was helping a friend of mine with some assembly code. She look at the code an said

What are you doing?

I explained the code and said that is the lowest you can get before machine code. She didn't run away in fear....

This is a great sign...

Manager: As you all know I called this meeting to discuss what we will do with all of the extra resources if we are done early. I was thinking a start a new ap—

Dev: We are not going to be done early. There are two weeks left and we are way behind schedule.

Manager: Don’t be so pessimistic! You never know when or how fast tickets will be completed.

Dev: Yes I do…I’m the one doing them

Me, doing ui design: 'hm, i feel like jumping into machine learning right now'

Me, writing a ml chatbot: 'but what if i extend flutter with my old custom android components'

Me, porting java components to dart: 'hold on, p5js has vectors, i could make a physical simulation'

Me to me: 'why are you like this'

Me: doing light browsing.
CPU Fan: increases frequency like crazy.
Me: opens task manager.
Windows 10: 60% cpu usage.
Me: sort processes by cpu usage; sum does not match.
Me: closes iTunes update window.
CPU usage: drops to less than 10%.

The update had already finished and the CPU usage was 60%!!!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, APPLE?

Me: So what you are doing in the IT field?
Him: I am hacking bank websites.
Me: OK, that's cool. It is good in free time. What is your actual job?
Him: I am seriously hacking the bank Web site!
Me: Trust me, if you seriously doing that you will never ever mentioned it...
Him: No, I am doing it legally... The bank hiring me to try to hack the website...
Me: OK, you mean that you are cyber security tester?
Him: That is almost the same...
Me: So you are tester?
Him: I am hacking bank's websites...
Me:....

So here I am... thinking to myself how does this kid not know about the shift key?

Me: "Ok we're going to test see if you have sudo access. Please enter your password, now"
Student: ~stares at the black terminal box and begins pressing the caps lock key. The light doesn't display~
Student: "Um... what? Do I need to enter a new password?"
Me: "No"
Continues to click the caps-lock button and waiting for a light to appear on the keyboard. It doesn't. He continues clicking.
Me: "You need to press the shift button"
Him: "What???"
Me: "You need to press the shift button"
Him: "Um.. I don't understand"
Him: Presses shift button, nothing happens. Goes back to pressing caps lock button.
Me: "Your password has a capital letter in it right?"
Him: "Um... yeah."
Me: "Press the shift button to capitalize your letters."
Him: "I don't understand... Do I need to enter a new password?"
Me: "No... you need to press and hold the shift key to get a capital letter"
Him: "................................ ............................................ . . . . . .. .. .. .. .. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . ...................... . . . . . . . Oh..."
Him: "Presses and holds the shift button with his thumb and then presses the Z key."
Me: ~What in the hell are you doing?~ 🤦
Me: "Perfect it looks like you are a part of the sudoers list."
Me: "You can take you computer back."
Me: ~Do you fucking use the caps lock key to capitalize all the first letters in your sentences? Please tell me you don't!~

I found this in classroom: CIA, what are you doing?😂 (It's a small microphone)

I get serious anxiety when someone is doing something on a computer and I know that the way they are doing it is the slowest way possible.

Me:(kills the CTRL +S buttons saving something)
Boss: what are you doing ?
Me: nothing much, saving a document.
Boss: is that the best way to save it?
Me: no, it got saved the very first time, the rest is to convince my heart I saved it.

Boss: ... ... ... fair enough.

Goddamit Apple fanboys... I saw 5 tents infront of the Apple Store in Zürich switzerland today, I MEAN WTF ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE? SPENDING AT LEAST 1000 CHF (around the Same in USD) FOR A FUCKING PHONE WHICH IS FROM APPLE!? WTF?! WHY? WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF ALL THIS NONSENSE?! EXPLAIN THIS BULLFUCK TO ME!!

> Last year of study
> I see a new face
> Maybe new friend?
> He asked me what am I doing in live
> Front-end my friend :)
> So you are not real programmer :O
> Wtf with these people
> Should I kill him?

while we were in the car...

mom: so what are u doing in your new job? you code in java?
me: no, i code in javascript, html, css and php..
mom: so thats java. how nice.
me: no, its javaSCRIPT.
mom: theyre still the same.
me: java and javascript are not the same
mom: but most people use java so why dont u just do it in java?
me: thats what ive been asking myself too in the past few weeks, why did i even accept this job

What are you doing?

Me: Coding

Cool can you make a virtual fidget spinner

Me :You have cancer

Skype, on my laptop, updated the other day. It was like: 'Oh hey we're downloading skype for windows 10!', and I was like 'oh yeah? cool! ... wait, I'm not on Windows 10 WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING NO WAIT NO STOP'

And now it doesn't work. Yay!

$ npm audit

> found 19 vulnerabilities (10 low, 5 moderate, 3 high, 1 critical)

$ npm audit fix

> fixed 0 of 19 vulnerabilities in 11987 scanned packages

> (use `npm audit fix --force` to install breaking changes; or do it by hand)

$ npm audit fix --force

> npm WARN using --force I sure hope you know what you are doing.

Me too, buddy. Me too.

Google! What the fuck are you doing with your design?!

Just updated my chromebook and what the fuck is this ui!

A : "what the funk is wrong with git ! why there are conflict!!"
Y: "let me see, hmm .. just press ctrl + disc.."
A : "what are you doing ?"
Y : "discard! they are gone. now you can try again in different branch"
A : "I didn't commit !! this my work of two weeks!!!"
Y : " ..... "
Y : *sneak away*

Welcome to backend development, when only felow programmers know what you are doing, and fucking frontend guys get all the credit.

😑😑😑

Week 26 advice - you all probably know this but good to refresh!

Eat healthily

Sleep well

Document clearly

Annotate your code

Use version control properly

Keep yourself in check with project management tools

Your peers are your friends... And competition.

As much as your boss is an idiot respect them and your life will be easier.

With great power comes great responsibility; don't touch that keyboard until you think through what you are doing chances are your first idea is not the best.

Don't write quick fixes and say you will go back to clean it up later on when you have time. That time will never come.

* online meeting *

Why are ya'll muted? We can't have a conversation if you're all muted. Just unmute yourselves.

* someone had a lot of background noise *

Huh? What's happening? What's that noise? I think someone is in a very noisy place. You know what? Just mute yourselves until you want to talk.

THATS WHAT WE WERE DOING YOU PRICK

Red: Says the example does not use client library.
Blue: Uses client library.

Oh Google, what are you doing?

Me - I want to work on Java.
Boss - you are working on Java right?
Me - no, just Angular JS
Boss - yes it's the same right... Angular Js, JavaScript, java

Me - (hmmmm, what if I had just said angular, would he assume I was doing geometry?)

Git, Bitcoin, actually getting paid for writing PySnek.. What the fuck is this doing in my feed?
1. How the fuck are Git and Bitcoin related?
2. What the fuck makes you think that open source and getting paid don't usually go together, as if that makes your product unique?
3. What kind of drugs did this marketing cunt take to make this promotion, because I want some!

4. What kind of braindead idiot am I for not including the fucking picture before hitting submit?!

Me during my last performance review: So I did this, and that, which has this impact, and that impact
Some dude from the higher echelon: what you achieved is nice, but you need to contribute outside of your team too. No promotion for you!

Me during this performance review: ok, so here's what I did and its impact, and also here's my contribution to the company outside of my team
Some dude from the higher echelon: wow why are you doing all that? You need to delegate more. No promotion for you!

I love corporate life!

If you have an e-commerce site and you don't let me sort the products based on price, what the fuck are you doing?

Holy fuck Microsoft I love what you are doing to Github. Where's the catch?

Are you a mango in Siberia?

Mangos seeds don't grow in Siberia. But if they are moved to a warmer climate they grow to be the King of fruits.

Do not beat yourself up if you are not doing good at one organization in one role. Analyze what is the problem and if it requires a change of team/organization, roles..just do it!

Friend : What are you doing?
Me :

Yea #deletefacebook is fine and all but what about putting fucking Like-Buttons all over the goddamn web. Care about that, would ya?!? You're not any bit better than zuckerfuck if you are doing this on your site!

Manager: What the heck are you guys doing? Pair programming?! That would halve the team productivity!!!

We:

Manager: Alright, Let's do a "quick" four hours meeting. Everyone in the company MUST attend!

We:

I don't know about you, but our fellow Indian colleagues doing YouTube videos explaining programming concepts and whatnot have got me through college and many of my projects.
Cheers for the Indian superheroes in our line of work! Keep doing what you're doing, you are making the world a better place.

My coworker passed in February and recently LinkedIn generated her automated 30th work anniversary post. Tons of people commented "congrats." I commented "rip 💔" and after my comment people kept commenting "congrats." Your LinkedIn connections do not know or care if you are alive or dead. Everyone's just doing what the algorithm wants. It's dystopian.

Could you put a backdoor on the software so i can see what my employees are doing ? Don't worry I'll pay you more.

Yeahhhh buddy I'm out, give me my card back.

What the fuck im going back to my open source safespace.

With the new Dutch mass surveillance law comming soon, I am interested to know what you are doing with it?

Nothing?
VPN?
Something else?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I don't live in the Netherlands?

Are you a complete passive aggressive twat?

Are you 100% completely unable to stand up for yourself outside of the safety that a computer screen provides?

Are you a male and capable of only doing things that would take you in the absolute complete opposite direction of a vagina?

Are you a female and an insufferable twat?

Do you think that people's likes and dislikes are no better than yours?

Is your opinion better than anyone else's?

THEN BEING A DEVELOPER AND BEING IN DEVRANT IS JJJJJJJJUST WHAT YOU NEED!

Here in our community, the more full of shit that you are! the farther you will go up in popularity! Insufferable opinionated and biased assholes that could not throw a punch if their lives depended on it is LITERALLY WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT!!

lmao, I swear man, some of y'all are just too full of shit.

Cortana! What the hell are you doing in Skype for Linux?!

Avoiding bad companies starts at the job interview. Remember that the job interview is not only for them to evaluate you, but also the other way around. Make sure to ask a lot of questions. What are they doing, how are they working, what help is there if you get stuck, are they doing code reviews, what will you be doing etc.

The job interview is the opportunity for you to get an inside view of the company. Don’t just accept any job because you are desperate. Luckily qualifies devs are much needed in companies.

Also, make sure to go to multiple job interviews so you can see the differences. I think it can be difficult to avoid in the beginning, but as you get more experience, you can sort of tell whether it’s a good or bad company at the job interview.

Though sometimes you are just unlucky. In that situation: leave. It is so good damn easy to get a job in this field.

(Instant Message)
Client: Are you there?
Me: Yes speak please.
(Why don't you just leave the message? It's not like having a phone call…)
Client: The contract is ready. I'll send it to you.
(Waited for an akaward 10 minute…)
Client: ???Can you receive it???
(Omg are you doing SSL handshake or what? Just send the file!)
Me: Yes I can pleasre send it to me thank you so much.

So after promoting Flutter to the clients (for whom cross plateform solution are perfect match) for almost a year, today I finally got the first ever Flutter App contract. I believ e time for Flutter is really coming. Wish me luck!

It's my 2nd week into my new job. I asked people what they think they are doing.

The summary:

Senior dev: we fix bugs
Junior dev: we write code
Intern: we create the future

It depends how you look at it. They are all called software engineer or developer.

I'm someone who' s productive so I get things done earlier than expected, so then I get time to rest. However, when the managers see me resting, they always think that I'm "not doing my job" or "idle" or "doing nothing" so they always ask me "what are you doing?" or "you've got things to do?".
From now on I will just pretend that every f*cking easy task is worth 1 week to do.

Me: Dad, what are you doing with my facebook account

Dad: Just seeing your news feed son

Me: you don't know my password

Dad: Yes...you just logged in one of my phishing pages.

Me: But when did you learn these things?...you don't even know how to send a mail

Dad: Go, drink some gelusil son

So I'm installing Ubuntu 18.04 iso (downloaded via Mobile Data) from an SD card through a USB adapter, (on an HDD)

What are you guys doing with your lives?

Me *setting up some coding environments via the terminal in Ubuntu Budgie*

Some random person next to me: Sorry to interrupt, but what you're doing looks very fascinating. What is it?

Me *tries to explain it as simple as possible*

Person: I didn't know you could do that on Windows! What version are you running?

Me *explains about Linux, dies inside*

Person: but why don't you just use Windows? This sounds too complicated

*friend calls after me, have to leave, saved*

Inappropriate experience at work? Here is another one:

The IS department manager 'John' bought a blowgun and was shooting at a box down the cubical farm hallway. Only a little annoying to hear him puff on the tube, but then someone walked out their cube and almost got hit.
Dev: "Dammit John! What the hell are you doing?!"
John: "Maybe you should pay the hell attention to where you're going. You heard what I was doing. Don't be a baby, those darts wouldn't have hurt you anyway."

I've attached a pic of what the darts looked like.

It's a new semester and the introductory class for a General Ed is going on.
Prof: What do you want to be when you are done with engineering?
Me: I'd like to be in the security domain but I'm still not sure.
Prof: Then why are you doing Computer Science? You can just get a job as a security personnel.
FML.

So, there's something I really don't understand.
Everyone here is complaining about Windows and that it "always BSODs".
I've only seen 4 Bluescreens in the entire time I used Windows. That is over 7 years.
So, what are you doing to your computer to cause so many Bluescreens?

Vendor: We are very professional and follow best practices, we know what we are doing. You should trust us.

Also Vendor 5 mins later: DB passwords, API keys and SSH keys in repo. AWS Access Keys shared in screenshots in email.

Me: 😭

How many times, like a broken record, do I have to tell the managment team that the "what's new" text is 500 characters max for the google play store? How many times? Surely it's more than 5 times, since I've already told them 5 times! I'll report back in when it's 10 times, although by then I may have bashed my head against the wall so many times that I'll be dead, and finally freed from these clowns.

Recruiter: Hi! I'm a recruiter, and you have a position similar to jobs I'm trying to fill. What are you doing at your current company right now?

Me: Uhm. Working?

Recruiter: Oh! What would make a good candidate for positions like yours?

Me: Uhm. A dedicated employee?

INTERNET EXPLODER AND M$ OS 7 WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU LITTLE PIECE OF CTHULHU SHIT

What are you doing there duck?

I am a windows user but just wanted to say arch linux .. it just sounds nice

hey, I'm going to arch linux for a bit

what are you doing? I'm arching linux

hey, stop arching with my linux

btw, is it pronounced ark or arch?

Person: What are you doing for living?
Me: I am a software engineer.
P: what does that mean?
M: we build applications and websites. basically
P: like what?
M: I don't have an example now, but when you open your computer and navigate to a website, we build similar things..
P: ahhaaah, so you make computers
M: no no, *open Facebook on my phone* see this is an application, we made applications that run on devices.
P: so make phones, that's cool
M: nooo!
P: so you do nothing !
M: yes 🙄

*My friend was piling up her food in a bbq place*

Me: What are you doing?
Her: I'm trying to beat my old stacking record.
Me: Be careful not to get a stack overflow!

. . .I'll see myself out.

Co-worker: Why are you deleting this piece of code?

Me: It's deprecated and it can be made in a better way. Don't worry, I know what I'm doing

Also me: OH SHIT THE ENTIRE PROJECT IT'S RUINED

Daily scrum
Today, the Scrumpy Master was not here, so I leaded the daily scrum meeting,
rephrasing the 3 standards questions a little bit: the results where amazing.
Here my questions in case somebody want to use them:
- What the fuck did you do on Friday?
- What the fuck do you think you are doing today?
- What is your fucking problem?

We managed to keep the meeting very short and after the meeting everybody was sooooo concentrated I couldn't believe it.

Beeep Beeeeeep 7:00 o'clock. Shit. I was dreaming. Must wake up and go to work.
Scrum master will be there too.

Boss: "do you have a minute?"
Me: "sure"
Boss: "I have this problem, can you just stop doing whatever you are doing and fix it for me?"
Me internally: *no I don't, what I'm doing right now is fixing another one of your problems for which you've interrupted other work already"
Me: "Yeah sure, gimme some time"

Can't afford to fail my internship and I don't want a shitty work environment which I why I don't speak my mind...
But man this is tiring...

Me to gf: hey hun look what I built! (Shows off new project)

Gf: (sees video playing in background) oh that's so cool! Did you do that? (Points at video)

Me: no, but look at this! (Shows off feature)

Gf: oh... well that's great hun, I'm so happy you are doing what you love

I'm sick to death of hiring people from other companies and explaining GitFlow and why its useful (what are you people doing?).

Then watching them doing it wrong, pointing out its easier to use something like sourcetree. Which leads to "... well see, the terminal is just more efficient, tools like sourcetree are bloated".

Ok fair enough, well heres the deal i'll make with you, while using your "efficient tool", stop breaking our workflow and i'm fine for you to keep using it. Otherwise, stop being a dick and be a team player.

Tools don't matter. Use what is comfortable and don't listen to all the brand, OS, editor and tabs/spaces crap. They all do the job and you will find the right ones once you really understand what you are doing. "Tools can be just a way to procrastinate". If you become tool agnostic you can do the job no matter the environment.

Tough days are standard are they not?

A good ritual is forcing yourself outside and get some fresh air, don’t have a single thought of what it is you were doing and just destress.

I also find punching something therapeutic aswell so there’s always that option 😅

Me: so, what are you doing as a developer?
Him: I am full-stack developer, basically ROR...
Me:...! Sorry, do you mean R&D, research and development? Or you mean Aroura DB?
Hi: no man, I am expert in ROR! You can not call your self developer in our days without knowing the on demand technologies!
Me:... Sorry dude, can you please tell me what is ROR, I don't want to lose my title as a developer!!!?
Him: OK, we call Ruby On Rails as ROR.
Me: ~¢°¤”©°$®”«

SQL Rule 1. Always assume there are external processes that might affect your data. (for instance, triggers).
SQL Rule 2. In Denormalised data, never execute logic on dependant table values, always copy from the parent.
SQL Rule 3. When Denormalised data schemas are created the DBA knows what they are doing.
SQL Rule 3.1. If DBA knows what they is doing then according to Rule 1 there is no problem with adding in some triggers to maintain data clones as they are created.
SQL Rule 4. If you don't like or agree with triggers, deal with it. They are a first class tool in a first class RDBMS. In a multi-app or service environment there may be many other external processes massaging your data
SQL Rule 5. If all previous rules are not broken and the system has been running efficiently for many years DO NOT complain that there are triggers in the database that are doing and have been doing the same process that you just butchered (by violating Rule 1 and 2) in your makeshift "hello world, look what I can do from my phone" angular BS when the rest of the users are still relying on the existing runtime app.
SQL Rule 6. If you turn my triggers off, you sure as hell better turn them back on!

Please fucking think about what you are doing it before doing it

So I was wondering, what is you guys' 'goal' in the long run? What do you really want to be able to do or what do you really want to achieve in 5 to 10 years? Are you working primarily for an income or are there more prominent reasons for doing what you do?

I'm in my last years of university and have a job at a software development company, not because I need the money but because of all the amazing technologies I come in touch with and the amazing things I learn, mostly about servers and devops tools.

I currently have 2 goals in mind: Creating an .io game together with a frontend developer and setting up a kubernetes cluster and using it. I personally consider kubernetes an end-game thing when it comes to running apps and am experimenting with it on three servers that I got from school.

So I was wondering, what ahout you? 😀

Has anyone ever taken on a project where you dont know what you are getting yourself into, and then start it and going down the rabbit hole of docs and then at some point ask yourself "what the f u c k am i doing?"

Listening to a song 500 times on repeat because it will take to long to stop what you are doing and hunt for a new playlist/station....

I like to joke around when I am working. I understand that it's not everyone's cup of tea, but ffs you should be able to laugh at really complex problems in stressful situations. How else can you remain sane writing thousands of lines of code just for an e-commerce site or so someone can post even more cat pictures on the Internet.

If you can't laugh and enjoy what you are doing, you might want to rethink what you are doing with your life.

Websites: Let me slide in a little piece of data in your browser for your convenience so that you don't have to enter your password every time you come back. We even have a great name for it - Cookie!

EU - WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO OUR COMPUTERS, HOW DARE YOU MAKE OUR LIVES BETTER WITHOUT LETTING US KNOW FIRST.

(also pay us €10000000 k bye)

Ransomware: Haha, pay me now or say goodbye
Me: Hey, What are you doing on my Pentium?
RW: Whaaat? Fuck man you are a disgrace. Here take some $2000 and now I be off.

my hero....

Why mac lovers compare their Mac pro or Mac air with a 300$ windows laptop? Can't you compare it with the same price tag windows laptop?
Because what you are doing is like comparing a Mercedes S500 to Toyota corolla!

I took a Computer ethics class some time ago, and at some point, we talked about honesty in Computer Science.

There was one thing that bothered me that we never had the chance to touch on, but how do I know that the button I'm clicking is doing what I want it to do?

I mean seriously there is really nothing that is stopping someone from making fake buttons that pretend to do what they say they are doing. I might be uninstalling something on my computer, but can I "really" trust that the software was "completely" removed?

As a developer I always strive for honesty, but that doesn't mean other people are.

How do you guys deal with this?

That sinking feeling of horror when you are helping a student with a problem in their assignment only to see major logic errors that prove they dont actually understand what they are doing. * drinks wiskey in prep for marking *

When your mum asks what you are doing and you say "studying Python" n she be like, go n study what will you do reading about snakes....

P.s. had to explain her about this language

Exhibit B of Google's inability to code:

One of the most starred Android repositories on Github adds rounded corners to ImageView. That's it.

Sometimes you really wonder what Google's engineers are doing :P

Casual chat with a girl in Facebook.
Me : Hey, What are u doing these days?
She : I'm completed a IT course.
Me : hmm... Interesting, What are the languages you have learnt at the IT course.
She : I learned English
Me : (Close the Chat,
Blocked her,
Shuts down the PC)

(Yes, Yes, This is a true story.)

I have a server. I want to filter connections to that server so only people on my work network can access the server. A quick search yielded my public IP address.

"Is this static?" I asked IT. "Do we have static IP address?"

"What do you mean? What do you need that for? You better know EXACTLY what you are doing before we release that information to you!!!! This needs to go to my manager. My manager is demanding to know why you want that information - we are having Network Engineering look into this request, someone will be in touch to find out more."

I have now been waiting for 3 hours. I think I will just go ahead and assume my IP is not going to change...

Rails gems are like heroine. Addicting as fuck and dangerous when you stop using them.

Just the other day I was explaining user accounts explanations to a coworker when he asked me "what if for some reason you cannot use that package"

My brain froze for a minute trying to remember how would one go about doing that without devise.

Dangerous man.

Rock up at work 10:30.

"What are you doing out your wanking chariot this early?"

"Aye, was there a fire where you live or something?"

Good thing I have flexitime!

Registering a new account for microsoft teams:
`Your password cannot contain a space, &# characters combination, or the following characters: < >`

Are they storing the passwords in plain text? Are they not sanitizing the input? Why the fuck would they care if I put motherfucking emojis in my password? What the fuck are you doing to the passwords, Microsoft? TELL ME.

That feeling when you have something else to open instead of freaking Facebook, to find what your friends are doing.

Being smart but not applying yourself is the same as being stupid.
I've been having a rough semester , as I sat around and played video games for the first few weeks.
Ever since I stopped gaming I started doing more code stuff, and getting things done.
In hindsight, I probably shouldve stopped gaming when the semester started.
What are your guys experience with this? What stratergies do you use for time management?

Favourite API.
That's a hard one.
I guess it's a toss up between Salesforce APis and Cloudflare.

Both are straight forward and work within minutes of getting started, and both are well documented to the point, you only need a basic understanding of what you are doing or trying to manipulate to get it up and running.

If only AWS could do the same 😅

Ok so for the first time (doing web dev since a few years) I got this customer who insists to work via TeamViewer on the phone with me doing css edits live. It's a mess and extremely stressful. I told him I don't work like that and today I officially put a stop in this. He's saying that all the other developers are working for him in the same way and that by doing 4 hours sessions of live css edits by the pixel they save time.

Guys, what the fuck are you doing?

//computer class at school doing html

classmate:"Hey can you help me? that img isnt showing."

me:"Yeah of course" *look at screen and see a single line if code without spaces or anything*
"What are you doing? Why do you write everything in one line?"

classmate:"Ohh you can write it over multiple lines?"

me:"...."

At that time we worked with html for around 2 weeks

Default arch user with a friend:
What are you doing?
Gimme a sec... Just fixing a thing..

YouMod - Easy Moderation for your YouTube Channel!

We are building a website to allow big YouTubers to add other moderators who help you with your YouTube Channel.
Set Permissions, see what they are doing, and much more!

Do not wave you phone around during a video interview. Don't turn it upside down. Don't put keep your hand near it -- I am not interested in your finger nails. Don't pace around. Don't look like a YouTuber that has no idea what they are doing on a video conference.

That is all.

I brought my laptop and stuff to school the other day, it was my final period before school was over and it was more "do what you want" kind of thing. So I was playing with my terminal (since I have Linux) and one of the students came up to me and asked "What are you playing? Is that a game?", luckily I wasn't in that pissy mood so I just tried my best to explain to him what I was doing.

load average: 348.58, 293.64, 179.93

Um, wat?
1) What are you doing little server?!
2) How could you possibly find the time to tell me that?!

You know what really pisses me off?

Arrogant/Condescending people doing rookie mistakes.

If you are like that but delivers I suck it up and let it go, but if you don't? Lol... Be ready for the shitstorm.

This Book....

Before doing any systems programming you should definitely read this book... most people think they know what they are doing but in fact they are completely clueless and the worst part is you don’t realize how clueless you are... you don’t know what you don’t know nor do you know how much you really don’t know.. a most people are part of this group, including myself lol.

Computers are much more than a bunch of CPUs, buses and peripherals. (Embedded folks realize this). But this goes beyond embedded this is a systems book, on architecture of computers in general.

Learning only java and the java/C# python and the others SDK/Api and spending your life with horse blinders for what’s going on below only sets you up for failure in the future, and when you that point it’s gonna be a shocker. Could be tomorrow could be 20 years from now, but most people with those horseblinders get to that point and have that “experience” no avoiding the inevitable lol.

I really enjoyed this book in their quantitative approach to teaching the subject. Especially understanding parallelism and multi core systems.

This is the most terrifying & horribly beautiful code ever.

:(){ :|:& };:

*please don't try running it if you don't know what you are doing.

Long time no rant.

Rant::beginRant();

How do people who are, I think, supposed to have a knowledge of what the fuck they're doing, keep their work without knowing what the fuck they're doing?
You're telling me that you have been hired as a "full-stack developer", yet you can't build a motherfucking Vue page over SSH (not even talking about automated deployment, just the most bare bones approach)? You don't know how to deploy a Laravel project? You don't know that Linux server paths are case sensitive? You can't read the log files?!

Rant::commitRant();

PM: I’m not asking what you were doing, I’m asking what was done
me: losers are asking, champions go and do it. This is what I did. The only thing I hear from you is questions. Meanwhile leaders are always a part of the answer. With that loser mentality, you’re never gonna be an MVP.

I’m a neural network powered parrot with a supercar brain. No matter the business guru speak BS you throw my way, I’m gonna wipe the floor with you in your own game. You have no chance. You’re that mediocre type of person who buys a rolex, the same one Gary V has, with the hope it would fix your self-confidence. The only thing I see in your eyes is your shattered ego.

Installed windows 10 in a virtual machine, fresh install no updates.

"Windows, what are you playing at we both know you are lying, how many updates do you have?"

"A few..."

"Away and install them NOW so that you don't reboot on me when I'm doing something important, ok?"

Remember, windows update rules should be like bathroom breaks on a long car journey, everyone goes before you leave and only when you stop for gas

"what are you doing today?"
"try leveling"
"in wow legion?"
"no, devrant"
xD

I'm reading (deciphering) the clients notes for modifications to their app and explaining to my PM what they want. At one point, he stopped me and said "How the fuck are you doing that? I don't understand how you can make those connections. Brilliant." 😂

'nother "teacher" story here.

Little background knowledge: I'm repeating the things he told us about at home and try to learn them by myself. I use the newest Visual studio and .NET framework version.
In school we have pretty old PC's and even older .NET framework. But let this insanity begin...

As normally i entered my classroom a little late (I have a dangerous habit of ignoring my alarms) and sat down on my chair. We were only 3 people including me at that moment so everything was pretty chill. I ask him what our task was and something along these lines occurred:
Me: what's our task?
Teacher: you remember your shopping list program? I want a textbox in it next to the listview and I want it to show every listview item
Me: that doesn't make sense
Teacher: yadda yadda just do it
Me: kaaaaay, anything else?
Teacher: actually yes! Please use inheritance.
Me: *baffeld* that doesn't make any sense at all. We have 5 different fruits; you tell me i should make a class per fruit!?
Teacher: yes of course! This is how professionals do it all the time. Please give them a distinct attribute, too.
Me: *angry* I'm. Not. Gonna. Do. This. This is total bullshit and also really bad coding style. I'm not going to teach myself something that doesn't make sense at all.
(Note: i know how inheritance works and he knows that too)
Teacher: You have to do it, you won't be prepared for final exams otherwise!
Me: leave my exam prep to me. I won't do this.
Teacher: *grumbles* fine

Later that very same lesson i got a .NET compatibility error. I couldn't work because I wasn't allowed to change anything on the installation nor to install a newer framework. So basically he told me I should've used 'sharpdevelopment' (which is not able to do windows Forms, but hey who cares) and this would not have happened. I was so furious at that moment i just took all my stuff, told him that I work 'from a place where i got decent software and space to think' and left the room.

Why did this person decide to become a programming teacher?

Thanksgiving dinner:
"What are you doing these days"
"I'm a programmer"
"Ah"
*Cold silence*
"... Who watched football"
mfw

Mom: What are you doing ??
Me: Just fixing up a few bugs I encountered yesterday..
Mom: Good .. That means you are doing nothing .. Go fill up the damn water bottles ..
Me: -_- !

>you can order Devrant stickers for free
>but you're not doing that
>'Man, why? That stickers are cool!'
>I know they are cool, but I'm here not for stickers, I'm here for funny community
That's what I think.

Working in a organization that hire people that don't know what they doing and can't ask a question correctly...

HELP WE'RE GETTING AN ERROR IN OUR CODE WHILE TRYING TO GET DATA FROM YOUR DB... PLZ FIX IT

WTF IS NOT WORKING, WHAT ARE YOU QUERYING, WHAT IS THE ERROR?

**Sends a SQL query but with ? for all the parameters**

WTF..... U PPL ARE IDIOTS.... CAN'T EVEN ASK A QUESTION CORRECTLY OR PROVIDE NECESSARY INFORMATION... CLEARLY YOU HAVE NO IDEA WTF UR DOING..

EVEN GOD CAN'T HELP YOU...

Developer: we are going o have to do it this way because it's the only way I can get it to work.

Other developer: what are you on about that's a easy thing to do you should not be doing it that way you idiot are you thick or something! do it this way the correct blah blah way, "let me show you moron (says out loud to everyone in the office) to show how superior and awesome they are"......

Two hours later, "yes we will have to do it your way in the end, my way doesn't work"

I fucking told you that 2 hours ago. Some people just don't believe lol #timewasted

When company gave me a SSH I am a noob I have a filezilla what I do is delete all temp files and clear log files
Because the log file size goes 1gb After next day all are looking weird
Senior developer:wtf are you doing yesterday
Me: delete all the tmp files and log files 😂😂

!dev

I just fucking hate people that have 10 years without talking to me and write me to ask for a favor.
Starting like: hey man how are you doing? Like you give a fuck about the shithole I'm at, just tell me what a fuck do you want and let me go back to my life.

my boss:
*doesn't assign any tasks to me*
*doesn't check what I'm doing in days, sometimes weeks*
also my boss:
"what are you working on?"
"i thought you were going to work on that other thing"

im starting to get manageophobic

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.

If it weren't for poor documentation I'd be retired by now.

We didn't all write your library. In fact, only you did. So, some helpful documentation would really help us all out. Can't believe the number of times I need to read source code to figure out what the hell you are doing.

You can't keep doing this! You can't keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay! You need to be better!'
...
You are all the things that are wrong with you. It's not the alcohol or the drugs or any of the shitty things that happened to you in your career or when you were a kid, it's you! Alright? It's you. ...Fuck, man. What else is there to say?'

Company uses Trello to track bugs and features the devs are doing.

End of the week the PM: "So what bugs and features did you work on this week?"

If only there was a platform that we could track all these things... 🤦‍♂️

P.M (calm) : You are not taking ownership of your works as others. You are only just doing it .

Me (concentrating face) : Inside -> I am fucking underpaid for a long and a month delay in salary. What the fuck are you expecting . You are saying this when you are about to give me a rise ?

What are you doing crashing on me Windows?

All I was doing was running a flight simulation, compiling a build, and doing a regex search over 6 directories. Try to open one little document and it all goes to hell.

Surely you can handle that Windows?

Apparently not.

The moment when even the devil on your shoulder says: "What the fuck are you doing?"

Me: Hey, I looked into the bug, *explain what it was, how I fixed it, when it will be pushed etc.*

Boss: *calls immediately* How are you doing with the bug?

Me: ... I sent you a message?

y'know it's nice to know that no matter what happens, some things in life never change. even if you want them to.

like no matter who you are, or what you're doing, SELinux will always be there to ruin your life....

People here working your own business or side hustle:

1) How long have you been doing it?

2) What kind of tech stack do you use in your product(s)?

3) Are you happy with your business endeavor or has the grass become greener elsewhere?

4) What is the most important thing you have learned from it that you wish you knew when you began?

When trying to write a piece of code, but lose the overview of what the f* you are doing, so you start completely over again

Just because you have no idea what you are doing does not make you an artist.

So can we please treat software development as engineering?

I get that in software there are a lot of unknowns and you won't always find best practices, especially if you want to be a pioneer on the bleeding edge.

Yet maybe that issue you were trying to solve with your hackish -- I mean artfully -- solution is a lack of understanding of the basic technology?

If you want to do art, try poetry.

You know when you work with an incompetent team or organization? No one
knows what they are doing and there is no competent leadership to set high standards and
people are making their own bullshit up? Yeah? That's my current workplace.

The worst people are the ones who play it off like they know what they are doing. You read a few things online cool. That don't mean you need to set up a mission critical server. Why would you take 2 ssds put them in raid 1 then partition it for c, e, and d drive then set a backup to image c partition to d?

It sucks to realize that none of ur work leaders appreciate the efforts you and ur team are doing even though they don't give u the necessary materials to do ur job.

Lesson: no matter what u do, theres always gonna be ungratefuls out there.

I spent the whole day on git conflicts, I know it happens sometimes. But I do feel like a slow programmer, the boss even said so by comparing me to someone who has 15 years experience by saying I produce less lines of code than than him ( I have 5 years of experience).

So everyday, I have this nagging thoughts; "you are too slow, you can't even program, what are you doing, do something else this isn't for you etc" .

And then when I solve the problem "You are the best, you know everything etc"

A constant battle between self-destructive and positive thoughts.

Rant

Wtf are you taking man?
You’re supposed to be an experienced engineer but what the fuck are you doing leaking null pointer exceptions everywhere you go?

Just 1 more month. Good thing my manager isn’t renewing your contract.

Fuck!!!!

Manager: "are you doing this obscure process that I laid out months ago with no plan or follow through?"

Me: "no, my other 3 managers said they didn't see any value in it, not sure how to keep everyone happy"

Manager: "that's not what we want! You need start doing this obscure process now!"

We have 20 engineers total in my company and I have 4 managers. Office Space was a documentary.

When you're programming teacher manages to make the lessons so boring and long winded that every student with the slightest interest in programming loses it 😰

Shit, loads to do, but I have man flu. I can't concentrate for more than a few minutes. I've decided to abandon all hope of doing anything today. Daytime TV, how shit you are, sometimes shit is exactly what I need.

My five cents. People who actually don’t _know_ anything have a tendency to speak a lot of what they have been doing and are doing and what they are going to do. That is what they do. They talk a lot and can’t wait to get into the next meeting. To talk.

I’ve been at it for 16 years and I can spot this behaviour a mile away.

It’s the silent guys and girls you want! Quiet. And competent. Because, they know they have nothing to prove.

*sends email to ops manager to explain nuget & git (yes, he is THAT guy)

*his reply "what's nuget?"

Ooooooooh! Why don't you open Google and do a fucking search you amazingly stupid twat!!! In what fucking era do you live in? What the fuck are you doing at work everyday, besides complaining about how time consuming your useless mundane tasks are? Take some of your undeserved salary and go educate yourself, you useless sack of shit! FUCK!

*meanwhile... Little grin on my face. *Shift+delete email.

Apple! What are you doing!

Anyone using Robotic Process Automation (RPA)---such as UIPath---in their work? If so, can you share what you are doing with it and how you feel about it?

And how does RPA differ from Automator on macOS, if at all?

I like our daily stand-ups, but our team only does it when our scrum master is present, if he takes a day off, no one cares about it
I think it's healthy for scrum teams to have that every day

What do you guys think? Are you also doing scrum? How bug is your team?

I was hired with the promise of being able to grow by doing as a software developer. After one year of reminding them almost once a week that I wasn't being able to do any development, but put in a position where I was somehow a Product Owner, today we had a meeting where I was suggested as a PO for real for next year. Funnily enough, our manager laughed and said that he knew I didn't want that. But still... no other name came up.

Sometimes, even if you are capable of doing something and doing it right, if that's not what you want to do, you should do it wrong. Otherwise, if there is the need for someone to do that thing you hate but can do, you will end up being the one that does it.

PO my balls...

I love our industry but it’s filled with way too many tech grifters, fakes and waste men pretending to know what they’re doing. A lot of whom low key hate coding and the people that do it, wish they were as good and those people yet lack the self awareness and humility to see where they fall short and actually learn the technology.

Even if you see the industry as just a way to make some money, learn how to code and if you can’t do that then learn to appreciate the process. Stop talking as if you know what you are doing while embarrassing yourself and coming off as a dunce and condescending to those that do.

I'm actually excited for this school year, since now I'm taking my programming class. (I'm taking HTML, CSS and JavaScript)

I've thought of the perfect analogy for people who constantly interrupt us while we are coding.

It's like you're a mechanic and you are working on a complex engine. You're focused on what you're doing, your hands are filthy, and you're just about to fit the part in that you've been trying to fit in for the past hour.

Someone comes along and asks you to help them open a pickle jar in the middle of your work. So you have to stop what you're doing, wash your hands, and then help them open the jar. By the time you're done your focus has completely shifted, you lost all momentum, and your progress comes to a comple