"We are looking for a GDPR expert to be hired in our company"

"I am an experienced data protection manager"

"Oh, fine! May you give us your phone number?"

"No"

"Your email address?"

"No"

"You're hired"

EDIT: devRant April Fools joke (2019)
-------------------------
Hey everyone!

Today, @trogus and I are very happy to announce a devRant feature that we’ve been working on for many months. After extensive time and money investment, it’s finally here! Introducing, pixelated avatars!

@trogus came up with this awesome idea about a year ago, but we couldn’t get it just right so we had to tons of work/research to make those pixelated avatars give the full sense of retro and ULTIMATE pixelation. We think everyone will appreciate how this effort turned out.

Anyway, let us know what you think, and we hope you enjoy!

p.s. here is @trogus’s avatar - the model we used to make sure the feature is perfect!

Client: we need you to give us access to the code ASAP. We don't like this black box approach.

Me: You have always had access to the code. It is here on this bitbucket repo and your usernames have admin access.

Client: We want the code moved to our GitHub before EOD.

I check out how to move repos over and it's fairly easy.

Me: just give me access to create a repo on your GitHub account and you can have the code moved over.

Client: Sorry it's late in the day and we stepped out to get drinks. (It was 2:30 pm). Not sure why you think there is a rush on this, we'll handle it first thing next week.

Me: WTF

I swear... The world don't give us enough credit for what we do.

IF YOU WRITE IN A FORUM ABOUT A PROBLEM AND YOU SOLVED THE PROBLEM, TELL US THE FUCKING SOLUTION YOU MORRON! YOU TOOK THE EFFORT TO JUST WRITE "I SOLVED THE PROBLEM" WITHOUT WRITING A WORD ON HOW THE FUCK YOU DID IT. DO YOU THINK I READ THIS FUCKING TOPIC FOR FUN? I AM ONLY INTERESTED IN THE SOLUTION, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU SOLVED IT OR NOT!!!

So at school the teacher gave us a MONTH to write a sorting algorithm in Java. I asked the teacher if that wasn't a little too much time.
Her answer:" I want to give the weaker people in class a chance."
Okay so far so good.

The day we had to turn in our code I asked around what algorithm others had choosen and if they had any problems with it.

Classmate A: "yeah we didn't know how to program it so we copied it from the internet and I modified it heavily."
Me *raised eyebrows*: "can you show me?"
Me: "but that's exactly the same like the first Google result?!"
A:"No look there , I added this line so that it works with my code"

That lying bitch just added bucketSort(myArr, maxVal);
In the main method.

Me"How is that heavily modifying?"
A:"Also I asked the teacher and she said it was OK to copy the method from the internet"

What the flying cunt is wrong with people. So you give us a month to copy and paste from the internet.
Yeah great teaching.
You are the reason why half the class can't program shit.

Thanks for nothing. 😒😒

First rant hope you enjoyed it.

My experience with Adobe...
(I recently moved to Canada)

Me: I want to give you money. (Tries to pay with Canadian card)

Adobe: Sorry, you have a US account, you must use a US card.

Me: Okay, what are my options to pay with my Canadian card?

Adobe: We have to delete your US account and create a Canadian one.

Me: Okay... Why can't you just switch the country from US to Canada on my account?

Adobe: *bullcrap response*

Me: Okay, delete it and transfer everything.

*Kicks me out of the chat.
*I log back in. Try to reconnect to customer service chat.

Adobe: AdobeID unable to participate in chat.

*I'm 30 minutes into this ordeal

Me: (to myself) I could literally torrent this program in 5 minutes 🤔

Lesson: if a company wants people to not torrent their software make it easier for a willing fucking customer to buy your software!

Since the chat doesn't work anymore, I called customer service and am still on hold.... 😤😤😤

Why does the internet have borders?

Two weeks ago:
customer - we need a small website, nothing special. Give us your cheapest option
*proceeds and give them the cheapeast offer, the accept and deploy their site*

Today:
I "notice" a spike in trafic, 20k request / second, and many sessions had 60-70 MB (big videos on the site) in size which cause the gateway to die and almost killed the entire hosting platform.

"Nothing special" turns out to be a website for a big campaign that they are currently running on TV, Radio, Paper and AdWord.

Me: we only got 40 minutes notice that we had to stay in late for a meeting with the USA team. Can we politely ask them to give us like a days notice in future? I can’t just stay late at any time, neither can the guys with kids to collect.

Manager: oh ok. I’m very sorry this has affected you. Here, let me explain why this is going to keep happening and you’ll need to deal with it.

We build a backup infrastructure at work to make sure that clients can restore their files and databases themselves when something gets fucked up.

We also have step by step tutorial on how to do this.

Every fucking day we get requests to restore backups.

Mostly used reason is "I'm a technical so I won't understand it".
With all due respect, if you don't understand this and keep asking without even trying, please don't host with us.
Because, if you did as I asked and actually read through the entire article, you would.
In case you're wondering, anytime one of us asks what part they don't understand, that question is simply ignored and they pushing for us restoring it anyways continues.

Sometimes they get angry and want to talk to someone higher up or start complaining that they're paying loads of money already and that it would just take us a second anyways.

If you would read the fucking tutorial/manual instead of trying to eat out your mother's badly shaved pussy and hopefully choke on it while you're at it, you wouldn't come asking us for it.
If you genuinely don't understand this article, feel free to ask but also provide us with cocksucking feedback.

Why do you think you have the right anyways to ask us to do it for free? We maintain the backup infrastructure which definitely isn't cheap but we do it so that you, pubic sniffing weazel, can do this shit on your fucking own.

You're entitled to ask us for help but not for asking us to restore your bullshit for free every freaking time.

Tip: give your parents some condoms. Because that way they hopefully won't reproduce again, we don't need more of you in this universe.

In our office, everyone is placed so that we have a wall behind us. Initially, there was enough room behind us so that we can walk just fine.

Everything was fine till our manager didn't start making us some random visits and standing behind us just looking at our screens and making us feel unpleasant.

So one day we moved the tables so there is almost no room behind us. And we are aligned in a row with no space between the tables. Now if the manager decided to do it again he would have to struggle his way behind us.

Few days passed by and our manager finally showed he saw what we did, didn't say anything. It was clear that he wasn't happy about it. He tried to lean himself over the monitors to take a look but that was just not so as "good" as standing behind us...

A time passed and one day when we came to work we saw the tables moved forward some 15-20cm just enough to be able to move behind. Almost immediately we pulled them back as they were before.

We moved back and forward already few times and are currently playing cat and mouse with our manager.

Noone is saying anything just the tables are moving every 2-3 days or so. Let's see who is going to give up first hahaha

##REAL STORY##
Friend: Hey there, I have a Java Exam after one hour and I have a question for you.

Me: Great ! How can I help

F: They will give us a problem and ask us to solve it by writing a Java code.

Me: Okay,

F: That's it.

Me: Good, so were's the question.

F: Come on, of course I want to know how to solve it.

Me: Absolute Silence.

Me: friendsList.removeAll();

Client: Sorry to bother you, but our developer team can not connect to your Web Service, can you help us?

Me: Of course, if you want, i can give you the code for that, i only need to know in what language are they developing.

Client: Sometimes they develop in spanish and sometimes on english...

Maybe i didn't ask the right question.

Sorry for my English.

Nobody:

LinkedIn: "Someone looked at your profile! IF YOU GIVE US FIFTY DOLLARS PER MONTH WE WILL TELL YOU WHO IT IS"

If. You. Don't. Contact. Us. With. A. Registered. Email. Address. Or. Phone. Number. Then. I'm. Not. Giving. You. Any. Information. Relating. To. 'your'. Account.

Oh you "don't agree" with that?

Guess what, never gonna give you up!

Oh, typo, that should've been: never gonna give a fuck!

No, seriously, I couldn't care less.

My company does estimates in two ways.

1. Sales person just throws a number out there, always short, and we panic code to make it happen before the client decides twice as long isn't worth it.

OR

2. The devs are told to give an estimate before having a chance to find out all the requirements, THEN ARE TOLD THEY ESTIMATED TOO HIGH AND TO LOWER THE NUMBER!

FUCK THE ESTIMATING!!! GIVE US TIME AND ACCEPT OUR ESTIMATES!! SALES PEOPLE DONT HAVE TO STAY UP IF WE NEED TO CRAM!!

Me: Whats the deadline?

Client: Asap

Me: And when are we getting paid?

Client: 30 days after you give us the invoice ☺

Agency: "Why don't you do more free work for us? When you do that we can give you better jobs for money?"

Me: "so if I do free work for you, I get to do paid work as a reward? ..you know that I am a freelancer, not your employee, don't you?"

*agencysulking*

devRant is really cool for us students because it gives us an insight into the real world of developers, something which a lot of schools simply don't give you. I would recommend anyone studying software or hardware (be it at school or in spare time) to get involved.

Thanks @dfox and @trogus

Just who the fuck from apple thought its a good idea to make the FUCKING SCROLL BAR overlap, the FUCKING PROPERTY ARROWS, everytime i accidentaly hover over it? I cant change shit! I have to wait few seconds every time i accidentaly hover over the scrollbar so i can be able to FUCKING CHANGE the value!

Dear Apple Inc,

Fix your shit! We're paying 100$ a year for what? More bugs and toruture? I didnt sign up for this bullshit! Give us back some real quality products, or just buy the company Jetbrains and let them build the IDE for you instead.

Client: Once this app hits the market I'll give each of you $500!
Us: *screams of surprise*
Client: Hong kong Dollars
Us:.....

Better than nothing amirite? :p

Not a rant, just awesomeness:
At my company our CTO organizes a meeting every month that gives us devs a chance to present new technologies to each other, offer advice about workflows and give feedback about current situations. This allows us to constantly improve.
Thanks boss!

***Interviewing potential sys admins so us devs don't have to build everything and run everything***

Coworker: Do you know how to use cron and cron jobs?

Candidate: Yes I'm familiar with setting up users and permissions.

Me: 😳

Coworker: 😳

Boss: We will give you a call have a good day.

If you had just admitted you didn't know but we thought you could learn we might have been open to teaching you but brazenly acting like you know something when you don't is dangerous if you're running a multi thousand user production system.

Dear uni, please don’t give us an ISO of a custom virtual machine that we are required to use, and then lock us into an account without admin or sudo privileges. It’s our VM, running on our own computers, with our own data. Wtf. I can’t even install a fucking text editor.

I imagine those researcher must be like : "Would you give us your password? It's for a research project"

We can't use a db so they give us a xlsx with this in one cell

=IF(AND(B4=D2;BJ4=E2);{B4:BK29};IF(AND(B4=D2;BH4=E2);{B4:BI29};IF(AND(B4=D2;BF4=E2);{B4:BG29};IF(AND(B4=D2;BD4=E2);

...
some others if
...

{L4:E29};0))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

My team was sharing an API key to our company's microservice containing all our customer data.

I say "was" because one team member accidentally published the key online so the security team disabled our key and won't give us a new one.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry

All bankers are fuckers, fuckin assholes.

I went to bank today.
Gave my card to swipe and he gave me the machine to enter my pin
I entered it
But then it wasn't the actual PIN
Transaction failed

He retried it, but now he didn't give me the machine to enter the PIN, he asked me (whaaat...)
I denied to reveal my PIN
He asked me again and again I still denied.
At last that asshole cancelled the transaction.
And told me to write the deposit slip
Why should I write the slip when I have the card.
Whats wrong with that guy
Why should I give my PIN to him

These assholes come to work at 10 and leave at 3 and their pride is at the peak. They live on our money and showing superiority on us.

I hate them.

Mobile app crashed a lot after latest release. Everyone called for a meeting to discuss the issue and find resolutions.

Engineering lead for backend team: well part of our problem is we haven’t had time to test everything fully. Maybe product could give us a list of all the features that can’t go down and we’ll prioritize those for testing?

Product: ... ... ... all of them?

Me: laughing hysterically while on mute

Just got my first IT job (I'm 19 y/o)
I am a C# programming teacher now :D for teens aged 15-18
I like it but I've had the chance to give the first lecture and there's this kid
Who is constantly interrupting
"Excuse me, programming is boring, when will you tell us how to break passwords"
"Excuse me, I have this neighbour I don't like, how do I put his printer on fire using code?"
"Excuse me, so we now know what classes are but can you tell us how to run fork bomb on system startup?"
afohsdofhidsfoidfsg
I suppose the kid will be becoming famous here over time

Also, out of rant, what do you wish your lecturers said to you when you were just getting started?

Reasons I hate the US

1. It's fucking 2 in the morning there and folks are checking their Slack when they wake up for pee breaks or done after their sex sessions.

Nearly 90% of the team is on and off checking Slack.

2. Culture fucks have only 10 holidays and hence they align rest of the world to their calendar and only give 10 holidays. India, Europe, and entire world can easily get 15 holidays per year outside their leave quota.

What a cluster fuck of a country it is.

A client obsessed with *security* won’t give us access to the server that hosts the website we built.

Code release involves building templates, compressing the changed files into a zip folder, and emailing them to the client with instructions on where the changed files go

It was fucking weird when our teacher in web programming class told to make a PHP page but he forgot to give us root access to Apache server and most importantly more than half of the class didn't know what the fuck a web server was and what is Apache.
Rest in peace college degree.

We want a web site.

We're going to want lots of interactive content, which we'll define later.

You need to develop the whole thing in 2 weeks.

We'll give you all the details after you tell us exactly how much it will cost.

One of our internal customers to my team: "We need this new feature to be implemented as soon as possible! It's super urgent!! Work on it asap!! PEOPLE ARE DYING!!"

Us: "Ok, we'll prioritize this feature and deliver it as soon as we can"

Them: "Is it ready yet?"

Them: "Is it ready yet?"

Them: "Is it ready yet?"

Them: "Is it ready yet?"

... One month later ...

Them: "Is it ready yet?"

Us: "We're done! We implemented everything as promised! Please give us your credentials so that we can whitelist you and you can start using the new service"

Them: "Okay, we will get back to you"

... Two months have passed since then and still not a single word from them. I'm starting to wonder: are they still alive? 🤔

Product manager: build us a recently viewed and bookmark feature!

Younger-Me: But every browser already has a bookmark feature and a recently viewed (history) feature and its much better implemented with much less overhead.

Product manager: I don't care. Give me this feature, you are supposed to do as i say and bow.

Younger-Me: I'll take it as a challenge.

--- two weeks after feature is deployed ---

Product Manager: 😁 See! Many users are using the feature we built *shows me messages from subscribed customers*

Me: 😨 I'll never underestimate user's stupidity again.

apple: give us more money plz

I want to cry.

To start, some of you know that I live in Reunion Island.
But there are a week ago, the SAFE cable is broken (one of the two cables that give us internet access), due to that, my ISP reduced a lot the connection speed.

Yesterday, I downloaded some packages in my Ubuntu computer. I left it download during the night.

So, today I was checking if it was done.

"6 926 kB downloaded in 5h 30m 9s (349 B/s)"

But it isn't the worst. I got a many "timed out" when downloading the dependencies.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Client: "Dear Mr. I still have not received the final version yet. I had planned to send it out to my customers at the end of the week."
-------

Me (1st answer I did not give):
"Ok. I accept your statement as true, since I did not send you anything. Furthermore I respect your wish."

Me (2nd answer I did not give):
"Well I am sorry. Before today you did not once mention that there was a deadline. ASAP is not how I do things. Please do your project management."

Me (answer I gave): "Dear Client, due to a huge demand for our services we are forced to prioritise. We are doing our best to complete the project as fast as possible. Please understand however that we can not reschedule with 3 days notice. Because of technical requirements the product can be send on Friday next week. Please let us know if this works out for you. - Kind regards. Me. "

-__-""""

This may give us some hint of which one will fall down first.

A bosses son started working with us today. Found out at 5pm I'm now expected to give him a lift to and from work each day because he doesn't drive. This is a boss who easily earns 5 times my wage and isn't offering anything in return. He doesn't even live close or on the way.

Shit just got legal

There's the lead dev, I'll call him John. John is not from the US, Europe, or any of those developed countries. The rest of management are from developed countries.

John found himself in the US for personal reasons, on a non-work visa, and his visa will expire soon. In the meantime, management found an opportunity to raise capital in the US, and they want John to be there because it'll look better in the presentation.

John: Oh but that's a month after my visa expires. You'll have to provide me a work visa.

Management was uncomfortable, because we're not registered in the US. and coz they don't wanna spend money.

The French: Don't worry, the US allows you to come in for 3 months without a visa.

The other management seemed to agree with the French. John had to explain that, no, only very few privileged countries have that right, and for the rest the US border is very, very hard to cross, and the visa process takes months. Most US embassies abroad have a year-long waitlist, though you can pay a (hefty) extra fee for it to be expedited. Fucking management was seriously surprised by this.

The Canadian: Don't worry, I own have an apartment in the East Coast. I could give you the keys and you could stay there for this month until the presentation.

So management wants John to stay in the US illegally for a month because they don't wanna pay for a work visa and the expedition fee.

The last startup I worked at didn't give us the WiFi password because they "didn't want people to get distracted by unnecessarily using internet on their phones". Little did they know that making a hotspot from a laptop is totally a thing...

Just now saw an email from Support after I asked them to run some cleanup commands on 4 servers.

Support: u need to give us an automated job for this.

WELL FUCK YOU, Y DON'T YOU JUST DO IT URSELF.

I JUST SPENT 2HRS INVESTIGATING A PROD ISSUE WHICH GOT ESCALATED CUZ UR A BUNCH OF USELESS INCOMPETENT MONKEYS... THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS HELP... AND WHAT I HOPE WOULD BE YOU BUILD UR OWN TOOL... BEING SUPPORT UR SUPPOSED TO HELP ME REDUCE MY WORK NOT INCREASE IT

Made the mistake of mentioning ISO27001 security standard near management.

- "What?? Why don't we have that certificate?! Why are you not thinking about this?"
- "We don't need it."
- "Of course we do! we must have the highest standards!! Lets hire some lawyers and security consultants to help us get certified!"

A week later:
"Ok, turns out we don't need it."

Satan give me strength...

Once, at school, last year, we had to present a C# project that, upon clicking a button, took words from a .txt file and showed them in an alphabetical listBox...

Since the file they gave us was so long that we had to wait a minute or so to get the listBox full, I implemented a progressBar which popped up on the button, and upon clicking it, the progressBar advanced for every word it loaded, until, upon finishing, it would have disappear leaving again the button, and the listBox would have been loaded.

Apparently, this choice alone – even if it had next to nothing to do with the exercise – was enough to give me a solid 9 out of 10, because our professors never explained us about progressBars and I used that completely on my own... I tend to do things like this in class, where I explore what my tools could give me.

So long story short, I ended up having the best vote in class for that, and I was so happy and motivated :D

Moral of the story: if you can, always try to learn something new about your tools and your programming language, on your own, because apparently it gives you advantage towards others, at least in school. Or even if you're not in school, it could still be something cool to learn that might be helpful in the future, for your projects or your job's projects.
The more you know, the better!

During a meeting with the client

Client: I don't care how long it takes to complete the app, I want the app to be polished and give the users the best experience!
Us: Got it.
*Later that day*
Client: *wants to implement a new feature in the app*
Us: It'll take us a day or two.
Client: That long?! I need to get it to the market ASAP!
Us:.......

:D

Other: "You know the app you're going to develop for us?"

Me: "Yes."

Other: "Can you give me access to it so I can take some screenshots for writing the guidance?"

Me: "Err.. Well not really as it doesn't actually exist yet..."

Why do I have to deal with such people.

I, my dev friend and a non dev friend were having a deep Philosophical chat
NDF - while we are here on earth, we should give something back to the mankind
DF - Yeah man! (sarcastically pointing at me) But this guy never gives anything to anybody
Me - Oh I have contributed a lot to the mankind. You should check my github profile.

Needless to say two of us burst out laughing while one was giving blank stare.

My customer service girl just told me that she gonna charge $20 to a client. The client bought one of our web development packages and requested us to create LinkedIn, Google+, Twitter and Instagram account so he can put those on his restaurant website.

Don't be surprised if I became millionaire around 2020.

// $20 can give us like 5 KFC meals here.

Best part of being a Dev us that we are basically wizards.

Now stay with me on this. At our command is the ability to think a solution to a problem and only using our minds and some gestures we can create entire worlds (games) .

We can create software and devices that can literally allow people to walk again.

We can connect people who are not even on the same planet as us (Sace Station) and have full conversations with them.

I don't know, there are limits to what we can do but give us some time and we can keep pushing them further and further.

Horrible interview story:
I was interviewed in a meeting room along with 2 other applicants at the same time. Our CVs were read to us in front of each other, and the questions were asked game show style where the fastest one answers.
It was terribly unprofessional and a huge red flag.
They wanted to give me a starting salary of 1000$.
Thankfully, I got accepted in another much better company before making a possibly huge mistake.

I really am grateful to be a software engineer.

Being a software engineer here in my country really is wonderful. We're very short on software engineering and IT professionals, so we could quite easily make 2 to 4, even 5 times average salary, and most of us don't even have to worry about getting fired because we can quite easily get a new job in a matter of weeks.

I'm really, really grateful. And I intend to give back to the community by enabling those without access to formal education in IT to learn a bit about software engineering by sharing my knowledge freely in my blog. I hope I can keep consistent in this. Wish me luck!

Why its so hard to understand that - not always... - frontend devs will give you a sweet ui with medium back end and back end devs are gonna give you a medium ui with sweet back end?

Why can't we just do what nature made us good for and work in collaboration?

Fuck

Broken app is broken again. This app is broken so often and so hard, I'm struggling to give a damn.

These fuckers need to take their shitty project, code and managers especially, and launch them into Mars

They blame us and everyone else for their shit and I'm done with it. I need to sleep and not have these fools call me at all fucking hours.

What kind of polite answer should I give to a client who visited us on Friday afternoon (29 Dec) and expected us to present him the finished website on Monday (1 Jan)?

// 1st Jan is public holiday and we made ourselves clear to every client that our office is closed on both Saturday and Sunday

The girl I'm talking to right now (not officially dating), I met because I knew web dev. I've mentioned the story before a couple times, so I'll just give a TL;DR

She has a graphic design class with my friend. The class was doing basic web development and had no idea what they were doing. I decided to go in there to help out some. Started talking to her, now everything's fun.

Here's a picture of us from Friday (you can only see my face tho, not hers). We were just being cute, as ya do.

Facebook be like,
"We have a TOR-Hidden-Service, but you have to give us your phone-number and a picture of your face, if you want to use your account for more than two days."

So this is how they "teach" us in school...As a part time dev I was completely shocked when I saw this in our materials. What do you think? Should I drop the teachers tables to give him a lesson?

Our internship and placement tests start from 30th and this is message we got from our coordinators.
😤
(We do have WiFi on campus and in labs ,idk why they aren't letting us use that!!)

They are asking use to use the DONGLES ! who the hell has those, these days !
Uni's response to this : if you can't get your own internet source,then don't give the test. (Translation : we don't give a single flying fuck)

Got my self a Jiofi ,I hope it would work fine.

BUT !!!!!!!!
Often our phones catch no network in the labs ! And if they do,the internet speed is slow.

The tests will go GREAT ! 🙃

To all product managers: either give us a set of features and ask for a time frame, or give us a time frame and ask what can be developed. You can't dictate both!

I HATE SVN! >:v v:< >:v v:< :@

I used to use git for my personal code repositories and for my work. In the office I moved on, they use Subversion. I’ve been using it for months, but it’s a pain in the ass :/

We use TortoiseSVN to pull code repositories, and the AnhkSVN for Visual Studio Plugin. It works fine until two or more of us have to work at the same code project at the same time.

Last week we had a very VERY urgent code to release. We had 4 days to finish it (from thursday to sunday, tests included). We had few changes to do, but the problem was that, when one dev commited something, my changes disappeared, and viceversa. The worst part was that my partners and I had to re-work a lot of bugs that we had already fixed! >:v

This is not the first time this happens :/

The worst thing is that we cannot change our repository system because we don’t have time :(

Is there any advice you, SVN users, can give us?

A client literally just told us "I don't wanna be telling you what I want / require / need. I just want you to give me the best you got."

Like wtf.

The worst thing is they've got but loads of money so we really have to take them serious. They were born rich and probably had a servant as a child who did everything for them without them asking to, and they'll continue to get away with it because they'll continue to be rich and there'll be people like us trying to kiss their ass for some of that money. I hate myself for doing it. They want a system to basically spy on their customers, and I'm a huge advocate of privacy, but I'll still do it for the money. Fuck this world.

In Russian, the difference between "there is an entire legion of us" and "I don't give a fuck" is one whitespace.

Нас рать / насрать

After having to use Git and Bitbucket for over 2 semestres, my teachers decided to give us a Git tutorial where the whole class had to work in the same class. This was the result.

We made a simple SMS application - when there is alert in a building, SMS is sent to specific range of numbers, based on the alert type. After a month we received invoice of approx. 10K € from the client, my colleague was supposed to pay
.
.
.
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.
.
.
.
.
.
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After checking the logs and running tests on module, we found out it was not our fault, client then told us he played with SIM-card while module was sending SMS and somehow he managed to fu*k up. I still don't get it, partially.. Mobile service provider doesn't give a sh!t about sending tons of SMS/hour? No warning, nothing..

Ahh.. Clients, right?

This week actually. We had an Innovation Week. I was tired of waiting for the company's collaboration tech team to give us some kind of virtual whiteboard system (they also won't let us use things like Google Hangouts or Microsoft One Note, etc...so they make remote collaboration and planning almost impossible)

Anyways long story aside I proposed we make a virtual whiteboard we could host internally as a web app using STOMP over Websocket. They said "there's no way you can finish that in a week". I did.

And it came out great. It even supports pressure sensitivity and different brush textures. Everyone loves it and teams are like...wow we could use this member facing too. Had like 5 people around my desk connected to it drawing dicks for like 30 minutes. Then our boss joined remotely and saw the dicks. They laughed their ass off.

tldr; was told there was no way I would complete an ambitious innovation project...completed it with style. Damn I am good.

asked the team to give us their API docs, they gave us the whole fuckin source code. in a zip file...
im outa here!! 😕

our neighbor has very fast Wi-Fi (~200 MBPS) . but, he didn't tell us the password and we don't know where to ask

sis : You said that you are a programmer right?
me : Of course!
sis : So why don't you do your job?
me : Create an app?
sis : No! hack his Wi-Fi
me : *Hacked the Wi-Fi and give her the password*

another day, mom's phone got crazy,

mom: Allen! Come and fix this phone
me : *After looking at the phone*
me : It is the screen saver I installed earlier

but why people think that programmers are "Computer gods" ?

"As a leader, you should lead by example and work every day, every hour, give 150% for the dream of the company! We are detecting that people aren't giving everything to us, so you should be harder on everyone else to ensure we can deliver!
Also, your 1:1 meetings with the team should be on the Sundays to avoid spending company time on feedbacks. There is no time to feedback if you need to deliver things!"

Fuck right off with that. Will beatings continue until morale improves? Maybe seniority will arise from the gashes of the lashes on the interns.

Department wants us to give feedback on teachers. They ask so many times but they dont consider our feedback at all.
So I got frustrated and wrote a script to automate this process. 😅
Now I won't worry even if they ask 1000 times also. I'll just press f5 😂

Well I met my wife and decided my current profession wasn't going to give us the life I wanted for us. So since I did IT communications in the Army, I decided to look into that field, buy I knew I didn't want to do networking; I hated it in the Army. I read about programming I saw that I could learn some for free online before I chose that as a career. I did the website courses on Codacademy and thought it was a lot of fun! So I enrolled in It's software program, got 1 quarter away from an AAS in software development, then while I was on my honeymoon, they shut all the schools down and filed bankruptcy. Now I've started all over and community college to eventually get a BA in computer science.

Dear developers who create an electron based app... Yes it's easy to make custom titlebars but please... Please please please give us the option to use the system default title bars... Looking at you itch!

(Also stop assuming everyone uses windows and use the minimise > maximise > close to the right of the window, not everyone does)

We act like a start-up and use agile practices.... Now we need you to give us a date for all these features.

"due to the amount of applicants, we can't respond to every applicant email"

let me translate the manager-speak for you: "due to us being stuck-up douchebags, we feel as though our company is more valuable than literally the 2 minutes of time it takes to write a yes or no email, so we'd rather keep you hanging and never give you feedback. oh yeah we're also not professional at all"

god why the FUCK am i even applying for jobs, each place is more shittier and toxic than the next

Bought an ebook that turned out to be a .DRM file
...that only worked with that publisher's Android app
......that only works with Android versions < 6.0 (I use Android 9)
Tried it anyway, which among incompatibility issues, was raising a certificate error. I contacted the publisher about it
..."sorry, the author did not give us permission to sell this. You can have your money back"

What
Why are you even advertising it on your website as a publisher then??

As a developer, I'm fed up with companies that expect us to work miracles in impossible timelines. We're not wizards, we're not magicians, we're not even superheroes. We're human beings who need time to develop quality software.

It's frustrating to be given a project with a deadline that's completely unrealistic. It's even more frustrating when the same company that gave us the deadline is unwilling to give us the resources we need to meet it.

And let's not forget about the endless meetings, emails, and phone calls that eat up our valuable time. We need to code, not attend endless meetings that never seem to accomplish anything.

And don't get me started on the non-technical people who think they know more about coding than we do. Just because you know how to use Microsoft Excel doesn't make you an expert on software development.

It's time for companies to start treating developers with the respect we deserve. We're not just code monkeys, we're skilled professionals who can create amazing things when given the right tools and resources. So stop treating us like we're disposable and start investing in us. Trust me, it will pay off in the long run.

CEO: This project is of critical importance to us - anything you need at all to help make it happen swiftly, let us know and my team will be on it.

Hey, could you give us IntelliJ ultimate licences?

THAT IS A RIDICULOUS REQUEST DON'T YOU KNOW EVERY PENNY COUNTS HERE

Online applications are so much worse than the classic snail mail ones, because some companies just don't seem to give a single fuck about the quality of their application application (hehe).

This results in such joyous things like:

• "Allowed file types: doc, docx, pdf, jpg, zip"
• "Max filesize 3mb"
• "One of your files does not meet the requirements" (doesn't tell you which)
• "Upload timed out, please try again"
• 403 forbidden
• "Your account does not have the necessary permissions to upload more than 4 files at once"
• clicking the submit button leads to a 404
• "Please explain why you want to work for us." 500 character limit
• Google forms

Finally got a job I see myself staying in more than 2 years :) A boss that give us time to write / read blog posts.
Flexible work life.
Working with all the new stuff like dotnet core, docker :)

Our current programming teacher actually being able to teach us good practices and give us constructive criticism on our code.

Some idiots ripped off our work and code that was open sourced and wrote a paper on it and got it published from some cheap publisher. Even for me to some benefit of doubt or consider that probably they worked on advancing our research….they didn’t even give us any credits!

Heights of shamelessness!

FYI, we already had an IEEE paper published!

I don’t mind if you guys have any suggestions on how I can get back at them. I don’t think a rant is going to calm me down for what they have done.

I used to work on a production management team, whose job was, among other things, safeguarding access to production. Dev teams would send us requests all the time to, "run a quick SQL script."

Invariably, the SQL would include, "SELECT * FROM db_config."

We would push the tickets back, and the devs would call us, enraged. I learned pretty quickly that they didn't have any real interest in dev, test, or staging environments, and just wanted to do everything in prod, and see if it works.

But they would give up their protests pretty fast when I offered to let them speak to a manager when they were upset I wouldn't run their SQL.

Got yelled at because super important feature for a client was two days overdue.
The kicker is that they never even talked to IT about the feature let alone give us a decent spec/assignment.

So I guess my most unrealistic deadline was the day before yesterday...

Head of HR for a company I’ve never heard of has hounded me for days on Cord.io.
I’ve kept fobbing her off and showing disinterest but she kept on about how they’re so interested in talking to me because they need people with my experience. Blah blah.

I finally give in and arrange a call.

First question she asks is “So why do you want to work for us ?”

Wait, what ????
You came to me! I’ve never even heard of this tin shed company.

Day 2 in ComSci class (following my last rant)
"Okay, so! All of the schoolwork and homework will be done on paper and pen, submit and I will grade it. Only once, no second chance"

Okay. Okay. This went over my head. What are you gonna do? OCR the code into the compiler, compile it and run to see if we fucked up to give us an F? What are you, god? Here's a brilliant idea, teach them Assembly! Guaranteed error to give us Fs! FUCK YOU

!rant

Just wanted to share this beautiful development miracle. Hello Games has proved to us that it's never the end, and you can always come back to fix your mistakes as long as you don't give up on yourself. Follow your dreams motherfuckers :D

I'm currently working in a web application project with multiple environments for testing, and we need to give support to all browsers.
So when a 'defect' is iddentifyed by someone, we make sure we know all the previous constraints to solve it quicker.

One of these days, this "tester" comes to us:

Tester: There is a deffect in this X screen.
IT: Ok. Can you tell me what browser you were using in the test?

Tester: The same as you. "H T T P : / / localhost:8080"

:D

Working at my company for one year with two old 20 inch monitors. My boss asked my what would improve my productivity. I said give me two fucking huge and nice monitors. I got the approval that he ordered for all of us new monitors.

One of the support guys told me the we will get the monitors today. Yeah but that was two weeks ago..

Now all of us are only taking about new monitors.. kinda funny that you can get excited for hardware so easy. Love the IT <3

We are a web developer team of 4 people. The system we manage is huge because it's a huge organization.

We use php.

Requirements grow rapidly and debugging became a nightmare. So we decided to move from procedural to OOP to ease it a bit.

And we have this one guy in our team (joined recently) who doesn't understand the benefits of following OOP. He is the one who manages most side projects among us too.

We have tried hard to convince him and now we have almost given up.

So I am asking you guys, please give me some ideas of how we could convince him to learn and follow OOP.

Ordered a Raspberry pi.
Excited to work on it.
Also ordered heat sink with it so as to make it 24/7

Till now I've thought to use as a cached DNS server+VPN client [and from it I'll share the incoming college WiFi to LAN (yes my college is finally getting WiFi for us in hostels)]+mopidy server with iris client

Give some more ideas.
Also, will the RPi be aple to work 24/7 without burning up if heat sink is installed?

This.

Not the worst but almost all of us (including me) handle strings like fucking morons.

If the input doesn't need to be an exact match we use a explicit comparison operator, when the input should explicitly match we do a loose comparison operator.

I'll format the crap out of a number, convert it, validate decimal places, check for float rounding hell, give it a absolute value and return it correctly formatted for the users locale but half the time I forget to trim their input. 🤦‍♂

Like I said - just a tad fucking moronic isn't it?

I finally heard a retarded question on a job interview. I thought they were just jokes.. I was wrong!
What kind of a question is "how would your friends describe you?"..
They'd say I'm fucking awesome, did you expect a different answer?
Or when I gave them a referral, my previous boss, and they asked me what would he say about me.. well fuck me sideways, I have no idea.

And one of the last ones, "tell us your three top qualities that would make us hire you". What kind of information does such a question even give them? Are they testing me how well I can lie? Because I can't, and others that can lie will give a better answer, regardless of the reality.

And they were even taking notes after these questions.

Other than that, nice company. I really want to start working there soon.

Reading a Ray Wenderlich book to try give RxSwift a go. Book is well written and going well. But I’m grinding my teeth at the fact all the code samples use 2 space indentation. Despite the fact apples standard is 4 ... and you know tabs would let us decide.

I know it’s a small thing, but it’s really pissing me off

You ever can't figure out how to do something elegantly during the day, end up with a weird hack. But then when you are home and are lying on the couch browsing memes the perfect solution pops into your head?

Companies should give us thinking couches where you can slack off waiting for the idea.

Alright, so I am going to start doing dev streams
twitch.tv/retraxa
I am going to stream with @ewpratten at some point tonight. Were gonna be working on robot code and my personal website. I have literally 0 reputation on Twitch so if this doesn't work out I can't really loose. If y'all wanna stop by and give us some stuff to converse about, cool articles or extreme politics and our belief systems go ahead.

My college teaches us perl now😑

Being in a college whose curriculum is 10 years old is fucking sick.

I mean really 10 fuckin years old.. Dude this is computer science field, shit changes so fast here, new languages, new standards, new frameworks and these guys don't give shit about that.

Wasting so much of my time attending these shit classes because i have to maintain 75% attendance in every subject or else i wont be allowed to write an exam.

FML

There was a workshop about git in our university and I was the teacher.
After teaching main concept of version control and git commands I was talking about open source community and github repository. First I should notice /pul/ in my language means money.
When I was talking about pulling changes from repository one of the student raised his hand and ask me "Why they would give us money?"
After seconds of silence I had feeling between laughing and crying

Companies! For the love of your peoples sanity give the developers of all ages worthwhile machines. If you send us to clients to develop iOS apps, send macs also 😤

I just overestimated the fuck out of some tasks because I knew the client would come back last minute and cut the deadline in half.

2 days later they do just that, luckily I overestimated the work so now it's all good.

The annoying thing is that they keep doing this, but since I work for an agency I have no power to drop this client since they give us a lot of work, so that sucks

*Goes to record a video and upload a demo video*

Hmmmm.. internet is being slow... Let's do a speed test

*Realises our speeds have been caped out to a max of 256kbps*

Why... Why... Yes I understand it should be limited so it's not 'data for free' but at least give us 1mbps so things are actually doable but limited rather than just usable as long as all you want to do is Google something slowly -,-

Our company wants us to fill out monthly surveys to tell managers how happy we our at work and to give them feedback. The survey will not be anonymous as they asked us to self identify.

Also the company is small (just over 100 people) and over 1/3rd of staff have been fired over the past year.

Yeahhhhh, how about no

*client comes to us "please take care of our app, it's ugly and the previous devs made it all buggy, especially the Android version"
*we write code, analyze bugs, fix them, QA them
*we deliver a preview
*client only looks at the iOS app, doesn't give a flying fuck to the Android app

Refactoring! Refactoring! REFACTORING!

This is one of “those desk books” that you gotta have imo. Personally I love giving names to categories of things, helps us better recognize patterns if we can classify them.

Software can always be improved, this book give you a good majority of the most common refactorings it’s like a recipe book almost.. shows you the code smell... give you the detailed recipes to fix it. Great to have in code reviews.

Doesn’t matter that this book is in JavaScript the concepts and ideas are the big pictures in this book.

Classic “one of those” books.

>Free Cloud Services

> You need to pay at least 1$ for internet

Yeah, if you have a fuckton of donation money, at least give us the fucking internet connection for free you yellowcircle twats

Student here.

For those who got a degree in CS or similar, what is some advice you can offer to a sophomore in school?

The education I have gotten so far for a Software Engineering degree seems like it isn't enough. So far, I only know C++ and front end web development. Besides the little tiny projects they give us, they do not teach us how the field works.

One of my most lingering questions of all is.. what technologies should I know before interning and/or job hunting?!?! There are dozens of languages for everything; I'm lost. I feel the pain for developers in the future who have to catch up on technologies.

I have heard that learning C++ will make it easier to learn other languages. I won't know until I start another language (too busy working in the summers).

What regrets do you have? What do you wish you could've known while studying as a student or self-teaching yourself?

Best dev experience of 2017:

Being able to support my family with my work.

Knowing that all of us have health, vision, and dental insurance solely because of me.

Finally being able to give back to those who have helped me over the years.

Mary Christmas to all of you and remember not to connect to production when you’re drunk.

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen

I contacted the creators of Nova Launcher because I want the full version. They have both an google play upgrade as an input code upgrade.

Since I dont have any google service anywhere I contacted them to ask how to get such a code because I dont have any google service. This was their reply:
"You would need to purchase the app via the Google Play Store, then once you have, email us a copy of the receipt and the email you used to purchase the app with, then we can give you a Direct License to use since you don't have Google Play Services."

How do I buy it if I dont have any fucking google service?

teamLeader: We can't release because your change doesn't work, it breaks on the machine ABC123
iHateForALiving: I diagnosed the issue and I still don't know what's related to. BUT I'm 100% sure it's not related to my change, or anything that has changed in the last 24 months. Anyway we can take a look at this, just give me admin credentials for this machine.
teamLeader: no we can't.
iHateForALiving: ... Wait what? How am I supposed to reproduce the issue? Why can't I access the machine?
teamLeader: It's in use by the testers.
iHateForALiving: What for?
teamLeader: ... Educational purposes!

They report some issue on some particular machine, then refuse to give us access to said machine to reproduce the issue because they have "educational purposes", me and God know fuck kind of education I have in mind for this circus but as soon as I get my hands on them they'll get a hint.

The client doesn't want to give me her PIN code from GoDaddy but I need it to make changes for her.

She told me that GoDaddy's Customer Support told her she can't give her PIN to anyone. I understand that. I told her what to do but she still wants me to do it.

She came up with the idea of teleconference between me, her and GoDaddy (is that even possible?). We live in two different countries.

She could just do it by herself (as I told her what and how to do) or give me the PIN... Nope, she thinks that it's my business to make things up.

Boss wants me to carry on this because she's difficult and may make us bad PR even if she's not right. He doesn't want a shitstorm to handle.

We made few projects for her in the past, she gave us access to all her WordPresses, FTPs, backups, authinfo codes etc but still doesn't trust us. She always thinks dozen times before she gave us some data.

And she's not even a business client. She runs a few blogs about her hobbies. She doesn't make money from them. It's not a big deal but she treats it like a treasure.

It's not easy to be gentle and kind :)

I'm currently 2 months into a 6 month project for a large automotive client. After being derailed onto a different project a week after I started, I'm back onto the project I was hired for. I asked my manager today for some data from the client so I could move forward. He said "well, we haven't won the contract yet, so they're unwilling to give us the data at this point." Talk about being blindsided.

Finally, I finally managed to grade this year using my own project. We're going to make a personal project that will give us enough to reach the next year. It's so much better than doing those shitty school-forced projects...

Many people asked me this.

Every programming language is made of another, and because of it is the lowest level language every language is made of it. So what does assembly made of?
...

When you buy a vacuum cleaner they give you instructions to how to use it. When processor producer creates a processor they give an instruction to how to use it. Assembly programming language is nothing but an instruction that processor producer gave us.

Our team talking with a Mr. KnowItAll...

Mr. KIA: What concerns me about this huge system transference is that the devs won't give us the JS scripts files decompiled.
Mr. KIA again: I'm also concerned about Win XP end of support...

Us seeing each other: WTF is going on?!? Where are the hidden funny cameras...

A tip:
If you wanna pretend you know it all...you'll fail...

A humble dev never get humilliated

Hey Code-tards,

We're announcing a new update to our software `FUCK YOU` to include a new 'feature' no one asked and would give a FLYING FUCK about, but we were sitting on our MOTHERFUCKING ASSES and had to justify our salaries somehow.

So this new feature really just makes your life horrible by taking away or breaking all useful features you were PERFECTLY HAPPY with before, but FUCK YOU if you aren't happy with it and don't throw half of your salary our way every month.

Remember our library you were perfectly OK with, that u integrated in your codebase? DEPRECATED from this second onwards. WHY? BECAUSE FUCK YOU ! That's WHY.

Oh yeah, and one last thing before we make your life a living hellhole, give us your SSN, credit card(s) and mortgage payments to us, you money-hungry CUNT. Haven't you heard the phrase already? YOU WILL OWN NOTHING AND YOU WILL BE HAPPY.

There should be a basic qualification for getting certified as a trainer or a teacher.

This one dude is trying to give us knowledge about advanced C++ and I shit you not, he thinks the best way to engage with the audience is just read monotonously off a PowerPoint and saying "am I right?" in 5 minute intervals.

Can't wait for this day to get over and then finally I am free ffs

The level of desire to give my boss a positive klap right now is too damned high.

Cunt flies us across the country to work 4-5 hours of unpaid overtime every day for a week to fix his Royal fuck up, some of my guys decide they gonna take the later uber into work cuz we gonna grab a run or an extra hours sleep cuz we fucking tired after a 13 hour day and this is the shit we get:

No wonder they call it Slaapstad 😜 - guys, no later than 8am at the office please so we can make a collective start.

Client: Can I see an update of the work?

Me: Mails the client the first update has been published.

Me: Mails the client the second update has been published.

Client: Can I see an update of the work?

Me: Did you see the last e-mails I sent this morning?

Client: *crickets*

Yet another client that expects we do cheap and fast work, mails us daily he wants to see updates, and constantly requests new features... but can't be bothered to give us the feedback we need for those features, or even read his e-mail.

Next week we'll get an angry mail that the features aren't exactly what he expected, mark my words.

Founder: Are you sure you want to join this startup?

Candidate: 100% sure Sir

Founder: Startups are risky, what if we shut down next month?

Candidate: Sir, I will do whatever it takes to not let that happen

Founder: That’s what I was looking for. You can join at 90% salary cut. That will give us 2 months more runway

Client just said to me "we'll give you a 'speed' payment to deliver the website faster, you just charge us what you think is right". WTF!

Blank cheque time... :)

Our parent company wouldn’t give us DB login credentials to a customer server outside our territory... we tried the default username and password and it worked...

So they give us a stress ball if a rant gets that many "upvotes". I find that really stressful, waiting and waiting.. And never get there. In the end of the day we are stressed af and with no stress ball 😂.
But hey, who da hell get stressed for this little? We devs are already stress free...

Don't you hate those startup clients who just don't understand "please give us all your requirements as early as possible" and keep making revisions even after product is released? *cries in the corner*

The computer lags, windows 8 lags, vagrant lags, chrome lags, phpstorm lags, EVERY-FUCKING-THINGS LAGS.

When you got hired

HR: please come to us if there's any problems related work so that we can give a solution.

After years of working you send a mail with you problems, it's been months. Still no reply! And try to avoid conversation regarding that problem.

@dfox
Please. Please please please!
Give us a setting to toggle "Mute notifs for this rant" by default.
I toggle it off on every post I comment on x.x

I work with content. More specifically I work on content migration and improvement.

We connect to many platforms and pull and push documents into it. This one time we had to connect to some outrageously expensive (6 figures) system which we obviously couldn't afford to buy just for testing. The client wouldn't give us a testing server either.

My literal warning: "We need a testing server because we're gonna push it until it breaks. Then we know the limit." Client: "nah it will be fine." Us: "I promise you the server will go down..." Client: "It's a stable system. You can test in your own folder on our server"

10 minutes later we had an angry client because the server crashed due to overload.

I'm not sure if I'm annoyed or amused :p

Why are banks so absolutely archaic and stupid when it comes to tech? I work in a Services based company and currently engaged with a very famous bank to build accounting software for Mutual Funds. The day to day stupidity of this client is driving me absolutely crazy.

They couldn't give us proper requirements, and my company was stupid enough to kickoff the project without official sign off. Not only did they change the requirements, but they added a shit ton MORE features, and essentially bullied us into completing it all in the same timeline. Their attitude is pathetic, they shit talk our dev team, they make us build the worst possible UX, and then complain that it's not looking good and not working well. They have absolutely no idea about any of the technical stuff and think that software is a magic box that will give them what they want.

I swear I have a lot of examples but I'm so angry right now that my words are fumbling and I can't think straight. Stand up is in 45 minutes and I'm just dreading it. Idk how to tell everything, it's just... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

So management wants this:
As soon as a customer reports a bug, management wants to have an "emergency button" to let their inexperienced hands make production fall back to the last stable version, without having to pass through IT and wait for them to fix it. If the server catches a 500 error, this process should be done automatically. All because they don't want to give us more time writing more thorough tests...

"Scientists discover the world that exists; engineers create the world that never was"

I've come to love this quote. We, the engineers, are shaping the world. We have the tools, knowhow and expertise to move mountains.

I said it before years ago and I'll say it again: all the other roles are meant to assist us, not the other way around. We don't work for managers, sales dept., bosses. They can't do shit without us. Why do we need them? To buy us toys, to sell our creations and suggest us how to shape our creations to make a better sell.

Quit slaving if you feel you are a professional. Quit bending over to sales' and mgmt nonsense timelines and demands. Hear them out, consider their concerns and give them YOUR estimates and approaches.

WE are the power of creation. THEY work for us. Not the other way around.

Does not apply to juniors. They are still learning their way around

I've found this tutorial on getting a google free android phone (tl;dr: lineageos, fdroid&yalp, etc.)

It probably isn't news for most of us in here, however a handy beginner friendly guide to give to friends and relatives.

The downside: it's in german.

A new currency is emerging in our industry. It is called "blame".
Who is to blame if we don't meet the deadline?
Who is to blame if the rushed release has x bugs?
Who is to blame if nightly build breaks, because our CI-Server is an old hunk of junk and "management" didn't approve the upgrade?
Our customer blames the delay in HIS infrastructure on us, because our system requirements are too high.

Blame blame blame. This currency is the new idol of our management team. Everyone gets blamed. They manage their "blame" ledgers instead of approving the tools we need or give us reasonable deadlines. Why Lord, oh why are there SO MANY MORONS in managment? You know what, dear "managers"? FUCK YOU., FUCK YOU SO HARD YOUR MOM WON'T RECOGNIZE YOU. YOU COULDN'T POUR PISS OUT OF A BOOT WITH INSTRUCTIONS ON THE HEEL.

Not a rant, thought I'd share this here.
My 2 bestfriends and I are web developers and the three of us work for different companies and reside in different cities. So, I got these today and decided to fly over next month to where my bestfriends are currently residing to personally give them devrant stickers :)

Thanks devRant for this! You guys rock!

Just dropping into say love you 😘

Also to remind you that the only things companies are the most productive at is destroying the moral compass of a nation and producing millions of fucking morons with a sense of greed, incessantly arrogant behavior, and unbacked sense of accomplishment. The only way to make it to the top is to be a ruthless, soul sucking demon who couldn’t care less about anyone else’s feelings and health. Your coworkers don’t give a single fuck about you.

Also, Sid show us your titties 🅱️itchhhhhh

Don't forget to give the developers the opportunity to innovate. Nobody wants to sit and type out the same structures day after day. That's not why we got into this job. We like solving problems. In my current team we set aside some time every sprint to spend on individual innovation. Super useful as it gives us the chance to break out from the standard chugging of the backlog and spend some time trying to solve some of the trickier problems and bringing improvements back to the product that we discovered by messing around with stuff. If you are reading this and you are in charge of a development team, try this out for a sprint or 2.

"The advice I like to give young artists, or really anybody who’ll listen to me, is not to wait around for inspiration. Inspiration is for amateurs; the rest of us just show up and get to work." - Chuck Close

I will literally give half a million us dollars to anyone who programms an AI that can study and pass exams for me and that in a manner that I will get away with. Help!

I prefer to pay in bitcoin.

On the low, every time someone on here gives a suggestion on how to better the app, @dfox and @trogus are probably thinking "give us a break!"

This semester, we have a lecture called IT Security by a guy, who absolutely know his subject.
Nevertheless, he wanted to show us that sha256 is broken by an existing collision. (Google that, fellow ranters!)
There are two pdf files by google researchers, that show the caption „SHAttered“ both on different backgrounds, although they give the same SHA-hash.
He then tried to share us these two files by moodle and wondered, why he uploaded the same file twice.
Guess what happened? The moodle backend checks new uploaded files for their ... hash ... and then decides, weather to upload or the file is already existing. So, it did just a new symlink to the old file.
Ironic, that an exercise, that should show us sha collision failures on sha collision 😃

Can we please make a Over Engineered Section....

This happened a couple of weeks ago...
Hey platform engineer team, we need a environment spun up, it's a static site, THATS IT!

PE Team response.. okay give us a 2 weeks we need to write some terraform, update some terraform module, need you to sign your life away as the aws account owner, then use this internal application to spin up a static site, then customize the yml file to use nuxt, then we will need you to use this other internal tool to push to prod...

ME: ITS a static site... all I need is a s3 bucket, cloudfront, and circleci

I have had it with the new pm for my project. We've had to literally write down rules for him to follow on how we want to run our project.
- we always go over time on standup because he's asking everyone specific questions about each ticket we're working on instead of just letting us give our updates. Wrote a rule for not doing that.
- he gets overly excited to get things done to the point that he's approved a PR himself and merged a production release during off hours.
- we're a team of 3 devs but he has 7 big items he wants us to work on concurrently.
- we use jira to keep track of things but he insists on us updating a spread sheet that he made as well. We just straight up told him no but he'll bring it 3 times every week.
- he wants us to write a report of our daily progress in our jira ticket before we give the same updates on standup
- every time I give him an estimate, he tells the clients it's a promise we'll get it done by x date.
- he never pushes back and says yes to everything
- oh here's a funny one, he's "reviewed" my code several times

Idk what to do here anymore. We've literally talked to him about all of these issues. He'll change for a few days and go back to doing whatever he does.

I really do wish that Apple would put some more effort into their update screen.

Just having a progress bar that crawls along at an agonising pace isn't useful, in fact it makes the process feel longer than it is.

Give us some feedback as to what is going on, even Windows and Linux managed that.

Gamemaker studio 2's 2019 roadmap just got released.. Still no Linux IDE (FFS) but it only took them how many years to realise that not every developer is a malicious cunt and give us the ability to disable to sandbox file system?!

I swear they add and change stuff that is so trivial instead of focusing on the engines major problems and absent features, eg. Can't use SVG graphics, the need to be exported in flash (SWF) because you know, makes sense?

>Be me.
>Apprentice dev, first real programming job.
>Excited to start work.
>Contract comes through.
>About what I expected, i.e. we own everything you make while working here.
>Sign and send the signed pages back.
>Next day...

>READ THESE 5 20 PAGE PDF BOOKLETS, DO PENSIONS, SIGN 3 DOCUMENTS, LET US LOOK UP YOUR DICK PICS AND EVERYTHING ELSE, GIVE US YOUR PASSPORT, AND SEND BACK THE ENTIRE CONTRACT.

>...ok.

Don't bug your backend engineers please ... just give us what we really want!

i often put my headset/earphone on to avoid nonsense from other people.

ffs, give us a break and let us code in peace

sophisticated spam >>>
My name is Susan W. Alphonsus, I am a US military Soldier currently in Iraq. I have an important information to share with you, If i receive your response ,i will give you details of the information.

I remember our PM/GM used to give us a website name and one line of website description, then he disappears to attend meeting outside the company. His phone is switched off most of the times and he doesn't reply to messages or emails.
2 days later, which is our fixed deadline for a website, he comes and says why the website is not up yet!

Note: One developer for one website and the developer has to design, write content and code frontend & backend.

University switched to Office 365. Just realized they implemented "Focused" inbox mode that auto filters messages microsoft deems less important. It filtered 3 important emails from last week. Just give us back the ability to make our own rules and filters again!!

Everyday I get on my train, get off and go into the office, get some coffee, and sit down at my desk.

Everyday, all of us take a Blue Pill, and focus in on this world they give us. We don't consider this a part of our life. Brushing our teeth, flossing, making breakfast, sleeping .. those are also not our life.

Life are all the other things outside of the routine.

But we spend more time in our routine. We spend more time in our loops than outside of them.

Brushing your teeth, making coffee, coding at work, eating, sleeping: these things are your life.

All those other things, they're the escape from it.

Background: Process issue in the plant that the workers said was a software problem. I’m a Software Dev Manager

Exec: This is broken and it is a software problem. We just noticed it this week.

Me: Couldn’t have been us, relevant code was changed this time last year. Sounds like a process issue.

Exec: Can you give me an exact date it was changed last year?

Me: (Seriously, WTF?... checks git...) It was changed on December 2nd, 2016. Couldn’t have been us.

Exec: Can you detail that change for us?

Me: (GTFO) No, not my problem, stop trying to make it my problem.

VirusTotal's API could do with a make over.

Though it is quite nice actually, you're able to provide them with a hash of a file and (provided they've scanned it) VT is able to tell you what up to 60 different virus scanners thinks about the file (and how many scanners that has an opinion about it). Now if there's an error, like the file not having been scanned or the hash being incomplete, it give you some JSON back where there will be an error message that tells you the error and an error code of 0.. wait wh

Although since it's an API they also need give us plebs whose only got access to an API key that limits us to 4 requests pr minutes. Naturally when you try to do another request within a minute of your limit the response you get is absolutely nothing what so ever. "" Naturally.

And of course the same response should be given when the API key you provide isn't valid. Who needs errors amiright?

No wonder JSON.parse kept throwing exceptions

Client wants something that makes no sense in UX land. We tell them that it makes no sense. Client doesn't listen, tells us to do it anyway.

We do it anyway. Client has doubts about a small detail of the implementation. And asks us what our advice would be.

My advice would be that you start listening to the professionals. How am I supposed to give "advice" on a detail of something I disagree with in general?

Her: "I'm going to cut off one of my hands."

Me: "I recommend you do not do that."

Her? "Would you cut off the left or the right hand? I can't decide."

Me, saying: "I have no preference in this."

Me, thinking: "You should cut off your fucking ears, you're obviously not using them."

We all talk about the little things that screw us for days. Here is mine.

The same program with 4 executables pointing to bat files that all run differently. The executables to launch this program are in different places. 3 of the 4 are broken but give all appearances that they are functional. The one that works is buried in another directory that has 3 executables of the same type. Take your pick.

Short story, a 5 day problem solved by double-clicking the right icon.

All this suffering in hope of a free US trip.

It was a horrible day today..

By afternoon, my eyes were stressed and my head was feeling like exploding and i had this rage against everything. I guess my BP was rising. I think this work life is taking a toll on my health.

I felt guilty doing this to myself.

As a cherry on top, on my 1 hr commute back to home, the only available seat in the bus was beside a drunk guy. I didn't give a fuck about that and choose to take that seat. He was blabbering, singing and falling off from the seat often. Everyone staring at me for daring enough to sit beside him, probably thinking I'm crazy. I'm just glad he didn't became violent, i would have lost my control otherwise.

I think I'm not made for working for other people's ideas.

But this job will decrease likelihood of my US visa application getting rejected.

I'm planning to resign from my 9 to night work life after coming back from this upcoming US trip.

The other day I was thinking about how much more truck drivers in the US can sometimes earn delivering the goods that are sold on the e-commerce websites I build than I earn building said websites.

Plus, they get to see way more of the country than I do as a coder.

Seriously thinking that before I retire I might have to give being a truck driver a go.

What the FUCK im fixing integrations on some dumbass's API. Biz wants this in prod on monday. It's fucking saturday. Anyway

Me: why did you give us a 200 even if its an error
Them: thats normal
Me: If it's an error it shouldnt be 200
Them: its a 200 because the api params are correct but differ in value so its not an http error but an api error

lmao

If any of you have been following my last few rants, you'll know I've been working on a project with a particularly difficult client, trying to meet wholly unrealistic deadlines with only one other developer.

The situation has reached the climax. The client had a call with our project manager and boss on Monday to discuss things. Despite them still not having paid a single bill since October, they've demanded the release date be moved to the 6th April. Apparently we'd agreed to release on this date, despite making no such promises, the (optimistic) deadline we were working towards has always been, since it was set about 2 weeks ago, the 16th April.

Apparently AWS migration won't take as long as we think it will, because the designers that do the CSS for this project say so, despite knowing nothing about the architecture of the requirements of the system once live (like if backups are required and what of).

The bottom line is that client is ending development with us the day after the project goes live to give it to their own in-house team. If they want us to work more after the date, they have to buy blocks of days.

To make things better, a large part of new functionality relies on an external API we can't even begin to do learning tests with, let alone integrate due to back-office errors on their end. They've had since Friday to give us our token, yet here we are.

Something tells me my holidays booked for for the first week of April are going by the wayside.

I want to get your take on an icebreaker I was subjected to recently. For a 9 a.m. Monday morning training last week, the facilitator opened with, “Tell us your name, your team, how long you’ve been with the company, and a ‘scar story’. Pick a scar on your body and tell us how you got it. If you prefer not to talk about a physical scar, you can tell us about an emotional scar.” I am not joking.

As we went around the room, there were lots of blood and guts stories (gross) but people also shared really traumatizing tales, like an infant daughter being diagnosed with leukemia. The whole thing took 30 minutes of a 90-minute session. I was very turned off by the activity in the moment and even more so later after reflecting a bit.

Besides this one being in very bad taste, I find myself turned off by icebreakers in general. They feel forced and never seem to give you a useful introduction to your colleagues. I’m wondering if your readers have ever participated in an icebreaker they think was particularly effective or are these just a reality of office life we need to endure?

And here I was thinking I would finally give in and buy a Macbook Pro... Anyone got recommendations? Apple messed up for us developers...

So I'm studying at a university where everyone who studies electronics has to do the same "internship" where we have to program some microcontroller.
For most of us it is the first time programming with pointers and working with the register (C++). But the institute who does this shitty internship manages to FUCK up the class description and even the classes and methods they give you.

In the class description there are methods missing so you have no idea what they want you to do with that method and then they write stuff in the class description that aren't in the class and you don't need. For fucks sake how can you fuck up such a simple task.

And then their shitty template is wrong. If you expect your students to do well please for fucks sake make sure you give your students the correct classes and descriptions. Many students won't fucking know what is wrong because the never programmed in C++. The best part is that they are doing this "internship" for more than 5 years.

Non-dev

I'm really sad to see what's going on in the world right now, particularly America.

Millions of jobs are just, gone, automated away, or turned into shitty contract positions. This leaves us with huge unemployment, so people then are forced to participate in a race to the bottom for the shitty contract jobs.

Ridesharing now classifies its employees as contractors. Who does this help? The companies of course, cause they dont need to give anyone benefits or even minimum wage.

And then since these guys are contractors, restaurants and stuff end up eliminating their drivers since they can't compete with the lean mean ridesharing machine.

Soon most "essential" work is just going to be poor people begging for tips from their work because the companies count them as contractors and dont give them benefits or enough to live on.

Fuck this shit. I'm so glad I'm a dev and mostly shielded from this, for now. But it's upsetting to think of what the world will be like in 20 years as this continues.