HR: We have received complain that you have been sexually harassing an intern.
Me: No, I wasn’t. Me and the new intern all we talk about is Coding, Apps, and TV-Series
HR: You are lying. I have the words that you said to the intern. Do you want me to read it out.
Me: I have no clue what I said to the intern so please read it out.
HR: You said, “Always pull before you push”. Do you remember saying this?
Me: Yes, I was teaching the intern how to use GIT.
HR: Okay, let me call the intern and let see if he says the same.

** Intern **
HR: Was he sexually harassing you today at any time.
Intern: No
HR: Did he said, “Pull before you push” to you?
Intern: Yes
HR: What does that mean, sounds like a slang for something sexual.
Intern: haha, no it means that I should pull the changes made to the files before I can push the changes I did to the code from my computer.
HR: But he said something else like he was teaching you how to use GIT
Intern: Yes, that’s what GIT is.
HR: Okay both of you can go and don’t use this type of terms in the future it doesn’t make good working culture.

This happened few hours ago.

Client: I received an email which says that I won 1 million dollars. They gave me a link in the email, when I entered my credit card details nothing happened.
Me: Wait what? You entered your credit card details.
Client: Yes
Me: That was a scam, you didn’t win anything. They stole your credit details. Contact your bank ASAP and let them know about this.
Client: You guys are handling our email servers, why can’t you guys keep it safe. What type of security do you guys provide.
Me: Wait what? We host your website application not email.
Client: Damn it. My son said the same thing, but I didn’t listen to him. Anyways Cheers.

Hey everyone!

devRant will be going down on Friday, July 7th around 10:30pm EDT so we can do some database maintenance and restructuring of our cluster. It hopefully won't be down for more than about 30 minutes or so, and during that time you should see our "down for maintenance" message.

If you usually use devRant while you're on the toilet (we know many do!), we apologize and suggest you try to schedule around this!

Please let me know if you have any questions and apologies for the inconvenience.

Dev: this task is done, can I put it in review and do something else?

Me: sure, of course.

Dev: cool, just be aware I'll make some changes to it later.

Me: ... wait, then it's not done.

Dev: no it is, I just need to re-read it and make some changes.

Me: yeah, so it will be done when those changes are made.

Dev: but I don't know what those changes are.

Me: ... I get that ... but ... ok I'm extremely confused. Why do you think it's done.

Dev: because I've written everything I need to and I'm happy with it.

Me: ok so why do you want to make changes.

Dev: I don't.

Me: ... ... ... ... you ... you are really not being clear. If you don't want to make changes, and you are happy with it, why are you planning on making changes later ... after marking the task as done.

Dev: well if I re-read it and see something I don't like, I would like to change it.

Me: ok, so re-read it as many times as you like and make as many changes as you like. But don't mark it as done until it is done.

Dev: but it is done.

Me: no it's not.

Dev: it is, look.

Me: ... yeah looks ok at a quick glance.

Dev: ok so I can mark it as done?

Me: are you going to make more changes?

Dev: yes.

Me: then no.

Dev: why?

Me: BECAUSE ITS NOT DONE.

Dev: ok maybe I'm not explaining it clearly.

Me: ... we can both agree on that. Ok so to summarise, we don't mark something as done until we have stopped touching it. We don't half finish something and say it's done and comeback to it later. We mark it as done when we are happy with i.....

Dev: but I am happ.....

Me: *raises hand* I repeat, if it's done, we lock it away and stop touching it. If someone reads it and complains, we can come back to it with a new ticket. But it's not done until we think we are ready to send it on.

Dev: I am ready to send it, I just may want to change it.

Me: ... ... ... ... ... due to a new policy implemented just now, we are only allowed to send 1 email to a person each week. So unfortunately we can only send on 1 copy. So when you have that 1 copy, let me know.

Dev: ok, let me re-read it a few more times then.

Me: there you go.

Customer support story time: (swearing in Dutch because it sounds more fun but it's general swearing so no translation needed I think (will translate the non obvious parts)

Me: good morning, how can I help you?
Client: hello, I have a question for you.
Me: go ahead!
Client: alright so.... one sec, let me turn off my music.
Client: hey Google
.
.
.
Client: hey Google
.
Client: Heeeey Gooooooogle
.
Client: HEY GOOGLE, GODVERREDOMME
.
Me: 😆
.
Client: REAGEER GODVERDOMME. "HEY GOOOOGLE"
.
.
Client: VIES VUIL TYFUS DING, LUISTEREN. HEEEEEY GOOOOOOGLE
.
.
Client: JA GODVERREROMME, LUISTER GEWOON, FUCKING KUT DING. *SHOUTS WITH ANGRY VOICE* "HEY GOOGLE HALLOOOO LUISTEEEEEREEEEEN" (oh for fucks sake, LISTEN fucking piece of shit)
Me: *desperately trying to keep it together*
Client: IK DOE HET ZELF WEL JEZUS GODDOMME *FOOTSTEPS, MUSIC STOPS* (Translation: I'll do it myself, fucking hell)
.
.
.
Client: finally, sorry for that 😅
Me: *still trying to control myself* no problem!

Client: "Hi, there's a problem with this link"
Me: "How odd, I'll take a look right away"

-- 19 minutes later --

Client: "Has this been fixed?"
Me: "I'm working on it currently"
Client: "OK please let us know when it's done"
Me: "I will do"

-- 2 minutes later --

Client: "Hi, is this done?"
Me: "I've just told you I will let you know as soon as it's done"

-- 5 minutes later --

Client: "Hi, sorry to hassle, but is this done yet?"
Me: *starts twitching*
Me: "I am working on it and I will let you know when it's done"
Client: "OK, well don't worry about it, it doesn't really matter"
Me: *explodes*

Boss: We are using Angular 1 in our project, right?
Me: AngularJS, yeah, we are using it.
Boss: I heard they have AngularJS 4 now and it's faster and better.
Me: Angular, yeah that's much better.
Boss: So shouldn't we upgrade it? Can you do it this week?
Me: Erm... It's gonna take more than a week.
Boss: How much time do you need?
Me: 6 months, at least.
Boss: What if I put one more guy with you on this? How much time will it take then?
Me: Let me rephrase. It's gonna take 6 months for the entire team to upgrade all the modules in our product to Angular 4. Not including the time to train everyone on Angular and TypeScript.
Boss: Oh, Angular 1 is suddenly seemed to me a better option now.
Me: Smart move 😉

dfox: "Let me make life easier for them. Introducing tab bar!"

users: "tab bar is hard to reach on top. please move it to the bottom"

dfox: "But you never complained when the hamburger was at the top-left corner. nvm I'll do it"

users: "ugh, where is the material design. Move the tab bar to the top. Make it scrollable"

dfox: "sudo rm -rf /users"

> Customer calls
Her: I have over 5k 404 request to [insertwebsite]/autodiscover/autodiscover.xml
Me: Sound like a missconfigured exchangeserver/client. Let me have a look.
> Takes a look and can confirm the IP and the owner of that IP
Me: It looks like someone/something from xxx.xxx.xxx.xxx is failing to resolve autodiscover.[insertdomain].com
and defaults to @ record on the zone. Do you happend to know to whom that IP belongs?
Her: No, and I dont care, just block it. I do not like the 404 that shows up on the summary.
Me: Alright
> Blocks the IP in the firewall.

>>> Fast forward to next day >>>

> Someone calls, it is the same girl
Her: I cant reach my website! Infact, I cant reach anything! WHYYYYYY!!!
> I remember, blocking that IP yesterday...
Me: Oh, can you please visist "minip.se" (whatismyip.com, swedish version) and tell me what you see?
Her: Yes, it is xxx.xxx.xxx.xxx
Me: Do you remember that IP that you request that I block yesterday?
> I can hear the shame coming from the phone.
> Turn out that her collegues did'nt have any mail delivered to them from the time I blocked their IP
> Her boss is really mad
> Atleast she had a cute voice

Never let anyone make you believe that just because you don't have a specific skill which is 'required' for your dream job/a job you really want, you won't be able to reach it.

I've heard countless times that I could never do anything with programming/linux (server) engineering because I'm freaking bad at maths. They always said it was a requirement to understand it in order to become good at those two things.

Except for a few simple tests with 'okay' marks, I never got a good grade for it and failed it entirely at every school.

Guess who's a programmer (free time) and a professional linuxer right now!

It just pisses me off when people tell someone that because they don't possess a skill, they won't be able to make it to what they would love to do.

Went to go help someone with their wireless printer.

Client: my printer doesnt work.

Me: okay let me take a look at it.. (took a look at it and saw the power core wasnt plug in)
So it seem like you forgot to plug in the powercord. Do you by any chance have it with you?

Client: well it said it was a wireless printer so i didnt think i would need it. I threw it away.

Me: well yeah wireless as in you dont need a usb core to connect it to your computer you can just do it through wifi.. but it needs a power source in order to turn on..

Client: well then why did it said that its a wireless printer if it needs a cord? Thats false advertisement.

Me: Sir the printer is a wireless printer but you cant get power wireless you need a power source in order to turn on the printer.

Client: you probably dont know what youre doing.

Me: *its okay hes only 79 years old*

Is this the code life
Another scrum meeting
Caught in the the Node life
No escape from reality
Open your eyes
Look up to the screens and see..
I'm just a dev boy
Doing some debugging
Because there's warnings here
Errors there
Segment faults
Everywhere
Anytime you distract
Takes another hour from me
From me

*piano starts

Mama. Just committed a bug
Merge the branch to production
Did it fast for milestones
Mama. The repo has just begun
But now they going to throw the stack away.
Mama. U u u uu
Didn't mean to code in LAMP
But it's the only stack i know how to setup
In Ubuntu. Without docker
I really don't get vagrant

*piano

It's too late
My team is done
Some dev is working in Nepal
A UX dev. Now what is that?
Goodbye everybody
I've got to go
Gotta leave this lame meeting
And face the truth
Oh nooooo. I i interns
(they have questions)
I want to debug
I don't want to stay till 3 in the morning

*epic guitar

I see a litlle dev over there
Let's code review, let's code review
Did he do the last commit?
Coding in the white board
Very very frightening me
That's bug(that's a bug)
That's a bug (that's a bug)
What the f*ck did you do that?
Magnificcooooooo

I was just coding and nobody liked it
He was coding and nobody liked it, spare his some time to do his debugging

Easy man. Here go. Will you let me code?
A meeting. No,we will not let you code. ( let me code)
A meeting. we will not let you code. ( let me code)
A meeting. we will not let you code. ( let me code)
We will not let you code
Never never let you go
Never let you code, oh
No no no no no no no
Oh mama mia, mama mia ( dude, you've gotta let me code)
Screw you guys, I'm gonna code and commit. Commit. Comiiiiitt!

*epic guitar

So you think you can review me and spit in my eye?
So you think you can dump me and erase my branch?
Oh baby, cant do this to me baby
I've just have to log out.
I've just have to log outta here

*epic guitar solo

Nothing really matters
The users will not care
Nothing really matters
To them

Any way this code blows

To the Windows 10 users of the unofficial devRant client.

I will release soon the v1.4, but I'm already thinking about the future of this project.
What do you think about this concept?
Let me know if you like/hate it.
Any suggestion will be considered.

Thanks!

Are you interested in a devRant hackathon? If so, please let me know what you'd like to see us do/what you would want to get out of it. There's lots of directions we could go, but I want to get as much feedback as we can from the community to try to figure out what would be the most fun and inclusive. Thanks!

Friend(non dev): Hey. Do you know how much it costs to maintain an app?

Me : Well that depends. What are you planning to do?

Friend: Something like Trivago. But small.

Me: That still doesn't tell me anything

Friend: Come on. Just give a number. How hard can it be?

Me: 42. *facepalm*

Friend: See wasn't that hard. Was it?

Me: *thinking* Don't correct him. Just let him be.

Manager: Why did you clear the data from the database? The client is now specifically requesting it and we don’t have it anymore!

Dev: You told me to.

Manager: Well why did you listen? It’s obvious now that that data was very important and should have been kept!

Dev: Last time you told me to do something that wasn’t a good idea I tried to explain why and told me not to question you ever again and that doing so was “disrespectful” and then threatened to have me fired. So now I just go along with what you say and let you suffer the consequences of not listening.

Manager: Well don’t do that then! It’s obviously not working very well! It’s ok to disagree with me you just have to make sure that what you think is something I agree with!

Dev: …

When something goes wrong at work, my boss will blame the first dev in his vicinity ...

Boss: "what the hell happened? why are the servers down?! This is unacceptable! Blah blah etc etc"

Me: "I dunno. Let me review if my CSS had anything to do with it" 😑😩

My boss's name is Skayo.
He's the best and the worst boss at the same time!

He does let me play video games during work hours, but he doesn't pay me :(
Also when I'm really unproductive, he doesn't even try to motivate me to do some actual work... It may not sound like it, but it sucks.
On the other side, I can just choose which project I'll be working on, which gives me a bit of freedom!
No coworkers tho...

FUCKING LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!
I NEED TO FUCKING WORK!

NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT POLITICS.
NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR RANDOM FUCKING DREAMS.
NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT COINS OR THE PRICE OF GOLD.
NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT SOME EXPENSIVE PLANE OR BOAT OR CAR YOURE NEVER GOING TO BUY.
NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT CHINA.
NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR DRAMA.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THE ARBITRARY FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU BLABBER ABOUT.

STOP. WASTING. MY. TIME.

I'M THE ONLY ONE PAYING THE BILLS
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME DO IT!

Co-worker: "Should we keep this server up and running?"
Me: "Hmmm…"
C: "Do we have any other uses for it than the dedicated wiki?"
M: "Not really, and maybe it's time to move to the centralised platform Corporate™ introduced. Have we checked if anyone is using the server?"
C: "Good point, let me see…"
C: "… oh it's been down for last two weeks since the power outage."
M: "I think that answers the question. Let's leave it like this for a month more and if no one complains we can announce it dead"

My company needs a new Website.

ME: Boss, let me do it. It's just a simple static site with a few pages. **Dreaming about a fast and beautiful site**

BOSS: Your time is too valuable. Nobody is paying us for our website. The apprentice will do it.

Few weeks later... Wordpress page! Page loads in > 20sec. Over 150 request for css and js... It's fast on Mobile, because it just breaks and loads only half of the content.

So ashamed working in this Company. No sane customer will ever do business with us, when he sees this stackpile of shit.

Boss: Our customer's data is not syncing with XYZ service anynmore!

Me: Ok let me check. Did the tokens not refresh? Hmm the tokens are refreshing fine but the API still says that we do not have permissions. The scopes are fine too. I'll use our test account... its... cancelled? Hey boss, why is our XYZ account cancelled?

Boss: Oh, "I haven’t paid since I didn’t think we needed it" (ad verbatim)

😐

Since these "Italian " + someaction memes become popular, let me do it and leave it behind us...

Going to have to do multiple rants on this one as I've had three awesome teachers.

Number one: Linux teacher.

He was around his 40's to mid 40's I think and he loved talking to people who also had the same passion (linux) about it.

When we had Linux classes which everyone hated, he'd always let me free. He knew I'd be able to finish the 10 weeks' assignments within an hour or so (took me half an hour instead of 10 lessons) so he just said: go do whatever you want.

Aaaaand instead of doing my own thing I ended up saving the whole class.

Yeah he was a very open minded guy who was awesome with linux/the students.

Frontend team : We pushed our code. Please give instructions regarding integration with Backend.

Me : Alright. I'll provide you the API docs and you can continue with integration.

F : But that's your job. No?

Me (didn't want to argue) : I'll look into it. Let me check out the frontend till then.

* Goes on to see the frontend *

I am kidding you not, that moth*rf*ck*r pushed an entire template along with dummy text.

Me : Hey! This doesn't seem right. It's just a template you got off the internet.

F : Yeah! That's what I have to do. To put on the dynamic content from database is your work. Don't put your responsibilities on me!!

Are you f*cking kidding me?! Do your work right or I am reporting you to the team lead!

Meanwhile, team lead : *sips coffee. Disappears for months*

Bastards!

I wish my dad wouldn't bring up the cost of college to me.

Yes it costs me $12,000 to attend full time semester. Yes I'll be on $75,000 of debt by the time I graduate next year.

Why the fuck do you think older millennials aren't planning on buying homes, putting off marriage into their 30's let alone thinking about fucking kids.

It's not his fault, I love my parents. I just feel like they want me to pull a rabbit out of a hat when I'm already pushing full time work and soon full time classes.

I'm tired. 😔

The state of CS is a joke and I'm contributing to it.

I'm a final year CS student and like most students, I'm not exactly overflowing with money so any income helps. Now, it's not that uncommon for students to buy their projects but I swear a good 20% of people from my course don't know how to write a function. And let me remind you, they are in their final year, about to graduate, about to get their bachelor's degree in computer science and they don't know how to write a function, let alone a class, let alone piece together something that works.

I just want to say that no, I'm not proud of myself for doing other people's projects for money and letting such imbeciles pass. I'm fucking tired of sending over someone's project, them asking me to change something and me telling them to add an if statement to which they reply with "i don't know how, pls do it".

This is why having a degree doesn't mean shit anymore and yes, I'm aware that higher education has become more available over time.

To people who don't know how to use Linux: Just because I use nano instead of gedit or any other GUI text editor does not mean I'm showing off. Why can't you understand that ssh-ing into a server and opening a file in the terminal itself to edit three lines of configuration is much easier than opening FileZilla, connecting, downloading the file, making the changes and uploading it again. It's fine if you want to do it that way. But please don't judge me for doing it my way.

To people who are good with Linux: Can you please stop suggesting me to use vim instead, EVERY FUCKING TIME? I know it's more powerful, but I haven't been using Linux enough to have surpassed it's learning curve. Plus I google up how to use it and do use it when I have the need. Please let me be?

To people who tell me to use Windows for everything: Go suck a fat dick, you uncultured morons.

!rant

A: "Hi, I'm A, I'm the CEO of X, we had this project I'd like you to do for me"
Me: "Hi, can I have more details about the project?"
A: "Ah yes, this is some kind of e-commerce for our start-up, we need you to do a web app, iOS, and Android app in 1 month"
Me: "OK we can do it in 2 month."
A: "OK we'll let you know our decision tomorrow"

(next month)
A: "Sorry we have to postpone this project"

(next 5 month)
A: "Hi! now I'm building this Y start-up and we need you to help us migrate our android app to web"
Me: (Looks feasible than his last project) "OK, I can do it"
A: "Can we meet tomorrow?"
Me: "OK"
(tomorrow)
Me: "Hello? where will we meet?"
Me: "?"

(next month)
A: "Hi! Sorry for not replying, can we meet this week for the Y project?"
Me: (...)

$sis: hey $me, can you help me?
$me: Uhm, sure, what's wrong?
$sis. The printer doesn't work..
$me: what does it say?
$sis: what do you mean?
$me: like, when you try to print something, what does it say?
$sis: uhm... idk...where should it say something
$me: On your screen you should be getting an error message right?
$sis (now getting irritated for some reason): no it doesn't..
$me: okay, let me check it out
*I walk to the printer with my sister's laptop and plug in the usb*
*Select printer > click print*
"Printer offline"
$me: was it also saying this before
$sis: uhm...yes
$me: ok
At this point im already getting a bit fed up
$me: are you sure this port is working
$sis: yes, I am sure
Okay, check other ports just to be sure, also don't work.
After about 15 minutes of debugging, turns out she managed to unplug the cable on the printer...
And all I got was a "o thanks"
Fml

tl;dr stupid clients with their stupid requirements.

Client: (on Monday) hypothetically could you implement "A"?
Me: (on Monday) yeah I could do that by Friday, let me know if you want me to start it.
Client: (on Thursday) hey remember we talked about "A" well do "B" instead and I'll need it by Friday still.
Me: "B" is completely different than "A" and will take probably twice as long.
Client: but you told me you could do it by Friday.
Me: ............ I want to smash your face.

My first dev job. Me and another guy get hired at the same time. He will be the lead dev, and I’ll be the junior dev on a long term project. Project gets delayed (and eventually canceled, but that’s a different story), so the lead dev decides to give me programming challenges to test my skill level. I successfully complete the challenges, but they aren’t up to his standards. Belittles me in front of our manager. Afterwards I ask him to show me how he would have done it. The dude can barely type let alone show me the way it should be done. I say nothing to the manager.

A few weeks pass, it’s clear the project we were hired for is canceled, so we are given other work. They task the lead dev with porting the company website to Wordpress so non-devs can alter content. They chose Wordpress mainly because the lead dev said he is familiar with it. Two weeks later, no progress has been made. They ask me if I can do it, and I do it in 2 days including additional functionality that was requested. Manager asks me why I thought lead dev couldn’t do what I did. I said, “I don’t think lead dev knows what the fuck he is doing. I don’t think he knows how to program.” Manager says, “Huh.”

Several months later lead dev is still there, but has yet to work on any projects with any success. They finally let him go.

Glad to finally get that off my chest.

Managment...

Where do I start?

So I have a task they set to priority "P0 - drop everything". Okay, dropping everything, doing the thing.

It's 11 and I already had 3 calls and meeting...

GOD FUCKING DAMINT LET ME WORK ON THE THING
and please let me focus -_-.

Oh, oh, also, calls were like "hi, we have a really dumb question to you, we know we could sit down for 10 seconds and use so-called logic but calling you is easier." Oh and also whats the progress on this P4 task?

holly motherfu... eghm. I mean.. They really like to piss me off. Best part of call #2. I prompt them "hey, please message me on slack, it does not destroy my focus and allows me work more efficiently"
and response... "I prefer talking than typing"

- Hey it's lunch time!
- Yeah let me push these changes...
- No! You'll do it later.
- But, it will take 2 minutes!
- NO! WE'RE HAVING LUNCH NOW.

Windows crashes ._.

Websites that don't let you copy paste email addresses. Well then, I'll do it using inspector. You're not going fuck with me, that's for sure.

Already existing website, I was asked to do a few things to redo. Code is a mess, 0 comments, oldschool technology. Completely static html site of a small company, nothing extreme.

Client: okay, could you please add 2 more items to the navbar for the 2 new pages?
Me: yes, here they are. Since it was already full, font size had to shrink.
Client: it's okay

>> Fast forward 2 weeks, full of similarly easy modifications.

Client: could you make the font size of the navbar larger?
Me: not really, we will lose responsivity
Client: do it anyway!

>> Fast forward to next day
Client calls me that it is urgent to 'do something immediately' with the navbar because it is broken and I am a 'horrible webdesigner' for making a mess of her website. I was told that it is not her job to make it good look and that I should 'use my eyes better'.

After 2 minutes of a lecture on webdesign she let me tell her how a responsive website should look like and to achieve that we should better restart the whole website. At that point I was the idiot who just wants to get more money and that I won't be able to do that since I am already unable to finish these few tiny things she asked for.

As a frontend dev, i love watching our backend devs sometimes go like "hey come on it's just css I can do it real quick, let me do it this time" and get super frustrated with failure. Buddy, one of the reasons frontend is not so easy is that it can be real fucking annoying. I'm keeping my distance and respect for your side so stay the fuck away from my dance floor.

Today is a great day for me! Today I've reached my weight goal - 99.9 . That's right guys - this nerd can proudly say that he's lost 20kg since last Nov!

Boi does that feel amazing.

So yeah guys, listen up. If your weight is <100 - appreciate that! Your hearts aren't in trouble, you can bend easily to put your socks on, you can sit with your legs crossed, you can do sooo many things! Enjoy it. And don't let it go easily. Don't think like I did: "meeh, it's just one more kilo -- I'll tackle it down later". It's a // TODO. It'll never happen!

– we’ll be making money teaching people to code
– okay, so what should I do?
– it’s up to you. Develop the whole course and start making money for us
– ...

Another one, same boss:
– let’s develop paid website/press kit wysiwyg generator, it should be ready today
– it’s not a fucking landing page, it require more time, so let me do some research first
– you’re fired

Boy, was he an asshole. Me and my gf worked there for several months, then we left and boom, a month have passed and his company stopped existing

Fvcking project manager wants me to commit my partials code to the master branch just to let our employers know that we did something today! That's why you are there to relay our predicaments to them, you piece of shit!
Now he is insisting it the whole team. Fvck! Are you nuts? Do you really understand what version control really means? Why master branch, why can't we just create fucking different branch and push it there if they want reference! Commits are supposed to be a fix code or update not a broken and unfinished piece of codes! I will fvcking cross my finger after messing up the master branch. Now it looks so disgusting to me.

Every morning when I'm urge to sh*t I always hold it in when possible. This way I always bring it to office and let company pay me for it ^^.
Well, what do you think I'm doing while posting this rant? :D

Manager: Hi, here is component X with 200k lines of code. Can you go through the code and see if you can implement component Y using component X?

Me: What does component X do?

Manager: I don't know.

Me: Is there a design docs for it?

Manager: I don't know. Can you check? Let me know when it is done.

*Wondering if I should joke and say "Oh management, hard job huh?"*

*Remembering how life is fucked up unfair and I need food to survive and house to live in and follow the society's rules and work hard to make the rich richer and shove money into their fat belly of greed...*

Me: OK.

I'm mad. Really really mad. I've worked so hard and this guy just comes in makes me feel inadequate. I come in every day and there he is sitting in his corner watching me as I work. For him it's so God damn easy! It takes me hours to do what he accomplishes in mere minutes! Oh yeah and he's such a fat ass too. He doesn't even have to do much to get his food. It just comes to him. I don't know how he fucking does it. He's got no fucking phone! What the hell!? I actually have to get up and go places to get my food. He's so fucking entitled, the little shit. He thinks he's a suave motherfucker. Well I fucking hate him. I might actually get around to killing him and then wiping the floor with him. But today's not that day. He's just a little to high for me to handle, honestly.

I should really just keep my head down and continue working and not let him bother me. But I can always feel it, that stare behind my head. I guess...

spiders are just better web developers than i am

6 months ago:

Boss: We have this idea to improve our onboarding to avoid drop off in the new app. See this section here? Were going to take that out of the onboarding and just let them pass straight through to the app. Then when they get into the app, there will be a banner telling them they should go to settings and set this up. That way they can ignore it for a while and get into the app sooner

Me: Get into the app sooner to do what?

Boss: Explore it

Me: Explore an empty app with no content, as they are a brand new user with nothing setup? While theres a big banner on the screen saying "You have insecure settings" ... basically forcing them to do it straight away anyway?

Boss: Yeah, we can give them some recommendations or something while they click around. It will be good. This is months away anyway, we'll talk again

Yesterday:

Boss: So this weird unexpected thing happened. We showed some beta users our plans to remove this section from onboarding and they felt weird about it. They said they didn't like the idea of the banner telling them they haven't set it up correctly

Me: Thats not weird, I said the same thing 6 months ago

Boss: ......... oh, really?

Me: Yep. Its not an improvement to get them through onboarding quicker, just to tell them they have to now go do it somewhere else

Boss: ... right. Ok maybe we'll build it anyway and see how they feel with it in there hands?

Me: nope

Boss: ... what do you mean?

Me: We are behind, you've asked me 3 times in the last week if we are going to be able to get everything in on time ... and now you want me to build something that everyone, apart from you, says they don't like. So realistically, i'm going to build it, and then remove it next week ... and we'll have a discussion about what has to be dropped because of this

Boss: ........ right .... ok .... hhhmmm

Me: *sits with resting bitch face*

Boss: ... maybe we can hide the banner until later. Not show it to them until they've done something in the app?

Me: ... maybe we can not do any of this?

Boss: right but then the onboarding will ...

Me: *talks louder* ... yes will be the way our users want it to be

Boss: ... hhmm i'm not sure

Me: Ok heres what we'll do, so long as it doesn't delay me getting the designs I need, feel free to have the designer mock up what it would look like using that figma on device preview thing. If users say they like it, i'll build it

Boss: ... right but it won't be real on device app so ...

Me: Its that or we cut feature X

Boss: ... well we need that

Me: ok glad we agree, let me know what feedback the designer gets

Boss: ... ok

Me: I can fix that workflow in about five minutes, In fact I can do it right now as we are speaking on the phone.

Customer: okay well... let me contact the director and make sure it’s okay that you fix it.

Me: I won’t make any changes to how it functions I’m only going to make it work again as it used to

Customer: we might need to schedule a meeting to talk about this because I’m not sure that we should be changing the site without permission

Me on the inside: I literally have global admin rights, unlimited power in Sharepoint, am responsible for making sure this stuff works, and BUILT this fucking thing, so now that I’ve been alerted of an issue I’m going to fix it. You are welcome to blame me if your boss is upset about it but I’m not going to wait for a fucking meeting to make sure it’s okay that I update a god damn email address in a workflow.

Me IRL: okay sounds great let me know when it is :)

Fighting against management is my daily struggle.
I reject the notion that more management, meetings and reports makes me work faster.
Want it done in time?
Stop wasting my time and interrupting me when I'm deep in complex thought. Let me do what's necessary and put in the hours if I have the energy and time.
But you damn better pay me for it.
I do not care for your praise, when I make the impossible happen time and again in days that would take months.
I expect your praise in the form of higher numbers going into my account.

Let me just delete this symbolic link and leave it copying the folder to the ssd real quick while I go to lunch...

Lessons learned:

1 - don't put a fucking / at the end of `rm -rf /path/to/link`

2 - don't ignore the warning of it being a folder after trying to `rm /path/to/link`

3 - backup your fucking dev database too

4 - don't do stuff hungry

SHIT!! FUCK!!

When my former boss let me go, he asked "you devs do not plant some secret code into your software so you can destroy it remotely, do you?".

I smiled and walked away.

Needless to say I got some money on top on my last day at that job.

Admin comes to my desk and says:
"Hey the CEO wants to know why is the third party application having issues with our system? He wants you to keep me posted on the matter and let us know when will you fix it."
Me:
"Well I'm working on it, we're having a discussion on Slack about it and I'm quite busy right now"
Admin: "Yeah OK but when will you fix it? The CEO wants to know why didn't you reply yesterday"
Me: "Because I was on leave? You would have known if you saw my calendar"
Admin: "oh well, can you keep me updated with how things go?"
Me: "You can join the Slack channel if you want..."

What the f*CK is wrong with people? Do they even know what vacation time means? Why would the CEO ask the admin to talk to me when I'm sitting two rows from him?

Hello "friend", whom I haven't seen or talked to in years. How have you been? Please don't mind me, my life is boring as shit and nothing happened to me since. Yes, I'd gladly make an app for your company because you agreed to do it but apparently you lack the skills. Oh, you've been fucking around for a month doing nothing? That's sad but sure, I can do it by Sunday, I don't have plans for the weekend anyway. You say you can't pay me more than what I earn in six hours doing my day job? And your boss should think you did it all by yourself? Well, let me consider this cool little opportunity. I'll be in touch, talk to you "soon"!

CLIENT "So my nephew who does stuff with computers built it and we are ok with how it all works so don't worry about changing that. "

DEV "so like you have a public form with no input filtering, spam mitigation let alone sanitization or remote concern for security. Basically you have a Json flat file that is 34mbs of links to, viagra, replica watches, nock off name brands and one real estate company. It is getting about 15 submissions an hour. Since you don't want me changing how it works are you happy to just leave all that ?"

CLIENT "no no we don't want all that but we have no route to delete it, can you just stop all the spam and let us continue on?"

DEV "ok so back to my first question can we rebuild all of this properly, or do you really want to just leave it all"

:/ FML

This is a conversation my friend and I had.

Me: let me just delete this file
*rm -rf filename*

Frnd: what does the rf do?

Me: Don't know man I just do it coz the memes tell me to.

I lost my job 😅 tbh did me a favour. I was backend, this guy was frontend and was a typical opinionated JavaScript, magpie dev and I just did not give 2 fucks about what he thought was “amazballs” and we had a small tiff, we’ll he was arguing, I was trying to do my job and I just didn’t care enough about his feelings on the subject, forget what it was about but I think it was trivial. But anyway, I was let go soon after 😅

Kinda tired of people telling me that I'm "wrong" for using PHP. There's nothing inherently wrong with PHP. Any language is only as good as the developer using it, and so long as you're comfortable using it and it does what you need it to do, there's no shame in using ANY programming language. Don't let the these cocky "bro"grammers tell you how to do your job.

I've decided that whenever a non technical person be it a client or a non technical PM tells me it's easy or tells me it'll take only x hours, I'm going to tell them to either do it themselves, or let me do my estimate calculation. You don't fucking understand one line of what I do yet you can magically calculate the amount of time I'll take on the task? No fucking thank you sir.

Now seriously, WHAT THE FUCK???
Every single time I have to work with people from a particular country [you have one guess. Yepp, that's the one], I see A-FUCKING-LOOOOOOT of manual work?!?

"can you reboot the server?"
-"sure, let me help you, sir" <20 minutes later> "done"

"can you unlock my account?"
-"yes, just a moment sir" <20 minutes later> "please check now"

"can you restart this environment w/ 200 instances?"
-"yes sir, let me check" <6 hours later> "please check now"
"you've missed 18 containers"
-"oh okay sir, will restart them now" <2hours later> "please check now"
[I am already OoO]

why is it that every time I have to work with you guys I am the one who is automating shit. How come you never think of/do any automata? You are fucking technitians, you should know how. WHY DO YOU ENJOY CLICKING ALL-DAY-LONG????

I'm serious. Why??? I'm struggling to understand...

Why does Google not have a dark mode for their freaking home page? I have dark mode on everything on my computer then I go to look something up on Google and get blinded. If they can do it for YouTube why don't they get it together on their nearly blank, bright white search page. You're better than this Google. And while I'm on that topic same to you stackoverflow. When I'm copying someone else's code at least let me do it in dark mode.

Mom: why haven't you been doing your computer science homework at home ?
Me : because you won't let me have a computer and I can't run the software I need on my school iPad
Mom: bull shit you can run it that iPad can do anything that you can do on a computer
Me : no you can't that's not even...*mom cuts me off*
Mom : don't talk back to me you just don't wanna do your homework
Mom: all computers are the same they just have different names
Me : that's not even true in the slightest... *gets cut off again*
Mom: shut up and do your damn homework
Me: 😐

Guy: - "Your restart script doesn't work."
Me: - "What do you mean?"
Guy: - "It does nothing."
Me: - "It should kill every processes that's running within the project and start them again. Wait... Why do you terminate it?"
Guy: - "I don't. It just stops."
Me: - "It says `Terminated` here. You killed it. Just let it do it's job, don't kill it."
Guy: - "I'm not killing it! It just stops!"

(...two hours later...)

Me: - "Wait... Where do you run it from?"
Guy: - "What do you mean? I just run the script you gave me."
Me: - "Yeah, but where do you run it from? Where did you put it?"
Guy: - "It's part of the project so I put it in the project, d'oh!"

!rant
Storytime!

I'm on the phone with an elderly customer.

Customer: Yes, I just got my computer back and now it's not talking to my monitor.

Me: Okay, and the monitor cable is plugged in?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Okay, I think I remember that you had a graphics card. Do you have a horizontal blue port?

Customer: No.

Me: Okay. So let's look near the middle of your computer. Do you see a blue port?

Customer: I don't know. I know the blue monitor cable is plugged in, but I don't know what color it is.

Me: Alright, let's unplug the cable for a second.

Customer: Okay, done.

Me: Now let's look for those two blue ports...

Customer: I only see one.

Me: And it's near the middle of the computer?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Okay, let's plug the monitor in.

Customer: Okay, done.

Me: Now does the monitor come up with anything?

Customer: Let me get to where I can see it... No, there's nothing.

Me: Even if you wiggle the mouse a little?

Customer: What?

Me: Does the computer talk to the monitor if you move the mouse a little?

Customer: How do I do that?

Me: ...You take the mouse... and move it from side to side

Customer: Oh! I understand. Um, no. Nothing.

Me: Okay, well let's bring the computer in. I think I know what the problem is, I just need to put a piece of tape somewhere.

Customer: Oh, okay. Fine.

so my parents live close and my dad said his router died. I told him I had a spare. I loaded it dd-wrt on there and next time I went over there he asked about opening a port. I said I could do it for him. wouldn't let me touch it. he believes he is the computer genius and that I would brake it.

funny part is I work on servers for huge companies like Wells Fargo, Ally Bank and tons of others. I can configure a rack mount router but he doesn't trust me to touch a little crappy home linksys router lol.

no matter how smart you are they never want to admit their kid knows more about tech than they do.

Dear Tech-News Outlets,

Yes, I accept 30994 cookies and do not want to uncheck them one by one.
No, I don't want to subscribe to a newsletter full of content completely unknown to me - maybe let me stroll around a bit before asking me? But please don't ask me in the middle of reading the shitty article. Maybe make use of a so-called "sidebar" for shit like that?
Yes, I want to continue without turning off my adblock.
No thanks, I know how to turn it off, I'm going to remove this overlay now via devtools, alright?

Yours
An annoyed user

Trying to build a mobile first application that relies on camera and geolocation data but use drupal to do it.... ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS .. WTF is this shit?! ... let me nail in this screw with a banana.

After completing my sprint and some lingering stuff in the backlog

Me: Hey, there's this tiny feature people have really requested, I'll go build it since I got nothing else to do at the moment. It'll only take like 1h

PO: Hmm ok. Don't work on that yet, we need to check with business people and agree on the user stories and bla bla bla

Me: Ok, well there's these bugs I can take care of then, I'll get them fixed, won't be long.

PO: Hmmm, we need to measure the impact first. Let me get back to you on that a bit later

Me: Meh, oh. I'll refactor this bad component meanwhile then.

PO: Have you created a story for that in JIRA? Create the story first and then we'll groom it and take it in when we've time

Me in my head: Dafuq! Im trying to work on your fucking project but you keep throwing all that business bueraucracy shit at me. What am I supposed to do then? Sip coffee in the kitchen and talk about the other fucking billion failed "new business opportunities" with my peers? Fuck this circle jerk of a billion management people all trying to make themselves important. Nothing. Ever. Gets. Fucking. Done!!!

Me: Ah right, I'll do that *proceeds to the water cooler*

Dev: Hay dude , look this page is broken, how long has it been like this.
Me: No? 🤔, Weren't you working on the Database for this yesterday?
Dev: I didn't change anything yet...
Me: Okay, let's do a git bisect and see where this came from.
...After going back in history and checking out like 3 commits.
Dev: It's fine I'll just search for it
Me: 😕, that's what we are doing the bisect for?
Dev: But we've already looked at so many!?
...After some time of convincing, finds good commit, does the bisect and finds offending piece of code. The database details changed.
Me: okay so while it's still pointing to the old database it's working but switch it to the latest one and it breaks. You sure you didn't change anything?
Dev: I didn't do anything.
Me: okay well it seems to me like it must be a database issue, let me know what you find.
10min later...
Dev: Hay dude, soo I found it, I accidentally renamed a table
In my mind: 😲😲😲

I hate working at a company with bad practices like saving database config into git and not making a copy of the database when you intend to work on it, and not edit the f'ing live instance! Not even close to the luxury of migrations.

Let me ask you something: why do most people prefer ms word over a simple plain text document when writing a manual. Use Markdown!

You can search and index it (grep, ack, etc)
You don't waste time formatting it.
It's portable over OS.
You only need a simple text editor.
You can export it to other formats, like PDF to print it!
You can use a version control system to version it.

Please! stop using those other formats. Make everyone's life easier.

Same applies when sharing tables. Simple CSV files are enough most of the time.

Thank you!!?!

I recently received a 1 star review in the App Store. I have answered him twice to ask about which issues he had and what features were missing to him.
He responded really aggressively by posting this:
I purchased this app for my Sonos and found it very simple for an app I had to pay for. I gave it a 1 star and wrote why. Since then the designer has contacted me twice complaining about my review. Sorry, but I am entitled to my opinion and I want you to stop harrassing me because I think your app is basic and doesn't always work right.

DO NOT WRITE ME AGAIN. Suck it up and let me have my own opinion for what I paid for. If you don't like it, make the app free in exchange for 5 ego stars.

My progression of learning git rebase:

Year 1: WTF just happened?! Where is my code?! *deletes and re-clones repo*

Year 2: Ok if I do it suuuper carefully I can get the other dev's one-line change into my branch...shit...shit...wait...fuck...oh lol it worked.

Year 3: Oh yeah let me organize my commits real quick. *drop pick pick squash reword pick fixup drop pick* *git push -f* 😎

You can't keep wasting your time on people who do not know what the fuck they want. You could be way more time efficient with serious clients.

*After I have finally deployed the requested features*

Client: Why did it take you two weeks in the end? You said it would take you a couple days.

Me: Because you told me to use my imagination on half of the tasks and you kept wanting me to change what I had created, thus unnecessarily doubling the time it should have taken. Besides that probably the unclear communication and the fact that you rarely called me back after you told me to call you.

Client: So if I tell you, exactly, how I want it next time you'll be able to do it in a couple days?

Me: I'm not sure, that depends on what you want. Tell me, exactly, what you want.

Client: Oh it's not much, I'll let you do your thing for the most.

Me: I can't handle another request, sorry. *Ends call*

😂😂😂
(I hope people dont find it offensive to post it here... Like if you do, let me know in the comments I'll delete the post in that case)

i am fucking tired of companies that come to me expecting to magically fix their STEAMING PILE OF BULLSHIT AND TRASH CODE. how about when i ask "can i get a project brief", instead of saying "just fix it" or "it just needs to do this", GIVE ME A FUCKING COHERENT AND DESCRIPTIVE WRITEUP OF EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED. i can't read your minds, let alone read the code the previous cock sucking developer wrote, so guess what? i'm left with no other option but to completely rewrite it. to top it off, instead of giving me god damn excuses as to why you can't get me the api key for your order processing, MAKE A NEW ACCOUNT AND GET IT TO ME. how the fuck do you expect me to test an application when i don't even have access to the fucking api the whole shit pile is based around? i swear to god if these people expect me to have this done by the end of the week but want to be little cunt nuggets they can go eat shit. fuck you, fuck your "contract", fuck your company, FUCK EVERYTHING. greedy, shit faced bastards

A recipe for COMPLETELY hacking me off - ask for help, pretend my advice is bollocks, then rephrase it as your own and follow it up with a smart arse comment.

"Almond, could you lend me a hand with this regex? I'm trying to match this particular group, but only if it doesn't have 'foo' after it."

"Sure, take a look at negative lookaheads - that sounds like it's exactly what you need"

"Nah that won't work for me, because I need to check for more than one character after it, I need to check for 'foo'"

"What? That doesn't make sense, you can..."

"Ah don't worry, I've found the answer by myself now, I can actually just add '?!' before the text I don't want to match and it'll do it - I'm fast becoming a regex expert here! Let me know if you want me to explain this to you"

DAHHHHHHH THAT IS A NEGATIVE LOOKAHEAD YOU CRETIN

Once I strongly hissed at my boss from that time in a "stop now or I start yelling" voice.
We had an emergency and I was already working late to fix it. 8pm, only the both of us were still in the office. I was in the zone, still searching for the source of the problem and he kept coming in every 2-5 minutes offering his help, ripping every shred of concentration right off my skull, but he had absolutely no relevant technical skills, experience or information. There was nothing he could do.
In the end I hissed at him "Get your fucking ass out of here and let me do my job. This piece of shit kills my day and there is nothing you can do besides to say 'go home'."
Then he finally let me do my job.

Guy: "We need you to update a few applications so we can get some new data. We have very important reports we need out of it!"

Me: "OK how soon do you need it?"

Guy: "Two days!! So we can start putting in the data then will have you create the reports."

...two days later...(in the spongebob narrator voice)

Me: " OK its done. Go in add the data you need then let me know so I can generate the reports."

....4 weeks later...still haven't heard from them and they haven't put in the data. Glad it was soooo important that I had to drop everything else to put in the updates that haven't been used.

the most incompetent person that ever worked with me had no proactivity, always waited for an explicit order to start to do anything and had absolutely no autonomy. this guy would frequently ask me stuff that he could find with a google search.

when the IT team was let go, the company lined me up for another job, and my boss actually told me "you work well so i can refer you, but i can't do the same for <that guy>". i honestly thought that was his first job, but no. i have no clue how he managed to work in a hospital before that.

How do you like them apples ?
Devrant style

No kidding she was looking at me while I was drinking coffee, I almost spill everything up seeing that.

Dammit apple let me have some privacy !

I eat it...

Situation: My lead dev (read as in, my employee that has the lead developer position, not my superior) is complaining about certain decisions being made in regards to a rather large project that has been stagnated by executive political bullshit.

Me: let them fuck themselves over, it is their decision to have a voice on this and we are not the ones developing it, merely managing the resources.

Him: Well they do not know what they are asking! everyone is wanting to have an opinion! a voice!!!

Me: and by their own volition they will fuck themselves over and I have the proper documentation to show everyone that if the project is delayed, it will be by popular vote. I have already spoke to our VP to let him know that we are not taking part in their decision planning process, that we provide the necessary feedback, they get to do with it what they want regarding their decisions.

Him: they are being really stupid and inconsiderate

Me: they are indeed, but as long as I show that you, me, and the rest of the team provided input, they disregarded it and went with their decision, then then the fault is on them, not you or our team. Let them fuck themselves over, I have the documentation needed to secure our asses, I record every conversation and I have every email saved. Really, if they don't want to listen to you they will not be able to point the issues that will inevitably rise back to you or us.

Him: .... you are evil

Me: fuck with me team see what happens. Their face and reaction is what makes me get a hard on after the fact.

Ain't no one touching my team.

Already wrote about wk92 but i have to add:

STOP MAKING ME ATTEND COURSES SO I AM EVEN ALLOWED TO TAKE EXAMS.

Like what the hell. You know when it comes to networking i'm doing okayish, coding straight A and then there is maths, let's not talk about it. BUT FFS I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO TAKE 2 OF MY CODING EXAMS THIS SEMESTER CUS I DIDN'T VISIT 2-3 EVENTS OF IT.

I am a coder. I aspire being a coder. I study software development. I just need to prove myself and some dudes can do it. Let me do my thing.
Btw, there weren't any mandatory events for maths. Of course. Why should there be. Yeah okay

Client: I want a new feature for my chat bot. It should be able to rap.
Me: ... k
*monologue: wait u w0t m8*
Also me: Can you please go more into the details? It should be able to rap. Ok. But how do you want it to look like? How "strong" should be the discrimination level, for instance?
Client: It should beat ass, yo.
Inner me -> core me: Let us just ignore him. We won't be able to do it, since he isn't really explaining his needs. "It should be able to rap". We are not wizards.
Core me -> inner me: Chill. We will just use some insult apis, combine it with cleverb0t api et voila.
Me: Alright. I got an idea for it. I can do it within this week. And if you don't like it, I will ofc do some changes to it.
Client: Hmmm... that's nice and good. But within 1 week?
Inner me: I can't do magic and pull that feature out of my fucking ass!

Clients... clients... clients...
0. Don't expect us to be done in a few days. We are also humans. And not fucking machines.
1. Do us (all devs on planet earth. -Microaggression in 3, 2, 1..) a favor and (kill yourself) learn how to request a feature.

A manager who felt that it was okay to come and speak to me about something that they were unhappy with in my conduct towards a member of our team, in a public place, loud enough for others to hear.

The conduct that made the manager feel the need to do this was my response to something another team member asking me to do. I had a lot on my plate with work, and had been given at least 3 additional tasks already in that meeting and my response to having to do yet another thing for this other team member because they "hadn't any idea what to do" was simply that I was quite busy and if it wasn't high priority it could wait one week as I have 3 other higher priority tasks that week to do. This resulted in me getting a warning and in a very public place.

Shouldn't have let it get to me the way it did, but the stress I was under and the way in which it was conducted just broke me and I cried. That nearly pushed me to leave my job and industry entirely.

I hate it when my manager lurks around when i am debugging and keeps giving random unsolicited advices. I spend more time explaining him why what he is saying does not make any sense than debugging.

Got an email from the IT manager of a subsidiary.
IT: Hi, I appeal to your IT skills: A. wants the Chrome bookmarks of B. How do I do it? Can I just login with B. account in A.’s Chrome to let her have the same bookmarks?
Me: No, please...never heard about export/import?
IT: Nope, thank you for the suggestion. I’ll do my best!

And that’s why I’m currently on holiday.....

Hey I have an idea ! Why not we developers normalise the IKEA way of delivering project to customers? Let me introduce the DO IT YOURSELF software .

Here's how it is done , we set up environment for the client , write manuals , design and pass it over to the customer , let them DIY it by code for themself!

You can't call me a "nut job" on Lync then five minutes later dump your fucking work experience kid on me so that I can "tell him what to type" and "let him do some of the work". I'm a paid technical intern, not your fucking babysitter, so maybe you should pay your own kid attention rather than let somebody else to do it to make you feel superior.

You know fuck all and have needed my help numerous times, and been sheepish every time I've known something you don't. If I helped you with something, say thank you and don't act like my presence perpetually pisses you off. Sit down and show me some respect, as I always have to you, or I'll report you to HR for being a demeaning twat. Your call.

Or perhaps I could have a word with the new Director you've been arse-licking. I'm sure he'd love to hear that you have been treating like shit the one guy who can save you from the shit show of having no idea how to do the task you've been set.

I know I'm an intern but come on, I could take your job tomorrow if I didn't have a degree to go back to. If you keep being a shit to people then one day I will actually do it!

"Can you zoom in to this teeny tiny spot on this photo and sharpen it like how they do it in CSI?"
OR
"You can uncensor this, yeah?"

Yeah let me poop out the winning lottery numbers while I poop out nonexistent pixels for you.

They: You got the job! Du you acceppt?
Me: Let me think about it. Do you know what would help me deciding? Knowing if i could get 15% more.
They: We will check and let you know.

So lets see what will happen!

😸:oh hi, i came in early to checkout this game, but i was just about to get off and start work.
😎:I'm not your boss. I don't caire what you do.
👺:I am your boss, and as long as you get the work done, on time, and done well, I don't care if it looks lie you are doing nothing but being paid to play games. If anyone does bother you about playing games at work let me and I will let them know to leave you alone.

<...in the style of linkin park's in the end...>

I DOCUMENTED SO HARD, AND MADE SO MANY TICKETS!!!

BUT IN THE END, NOBODY REALLY READS THEM!!!

I HAD TO DEV!!! AND BUILD IT ALL!!!

BUT IN THE END, IT FEELS LIKE I'M TALKING TO A BRICK WALL!!!!

rhymes are lazy / nonexistent, I know, but my rage is superseding my ability to rhyme right now.

Customer: "Yeah we need <insert bonkers 12 step circular logic> to find a thing(s) in the database."

Me: "Ok let me diagram this out and I'll send it to you to review.... but man this seems like the 8th version of this we're doing right?"

Customer: "Yeah well <employee Y> says they can't do B, C without this."

Me: "Wait... can't they just <insert the most simple step in the history of time> in step A, and then later on they won't have to do all this hunting later? Like you have that data at step A right?"

Customer: "Yeah but <employee Y> doesn't want to do that."

Me: "She's your direct report ....."

Customer: "Yes...."

Me: "Ok.... I'll send you the diagram and the cost estimate...."

Whatever reason sometimes it is a bit draining coding madness compared to making things actually efficient / people's jobs easier...

I don't get why anyone would choose to do sys admin work I have been doing it the past week I fucking hate it!

Let me program 😠

On the phone.

Them: "So we do X and Y and Z... can you try again?"
Me: "Yup. Still getting max retries error"
Them: "You know what, let me restart the server"
Me: "Whatever you did it worked. API is back online"
Them: "You're kidding me right?"

Took us 4 hours to restart a server.

Yesterday
Boss: Can you export the foo data and send it to me?
Me: Sure
Me (later): Ok, just shared foo.csv with you. It should have everything you need, just let me know if you need the bar data.
Boss: OK, thanks.

Today
Boss: Did you get the foo data exported?
Me: Yes, I shared that with you yesterday
Boss: What did you name it?

This is all in a chat, by the way, not in person. Scrolling for 1.5 seconds reveals all the relevant information.

How do I respond in a way that is not sarcastic and does not belittle my boss? I'm not sure it's even possible.

Has anyone had to hack into a server so they can set up their work,

Literally have a client asking me to do this change to their site and they are asking the dev who is controlling it but they just not letting me access ..

Long night ahead 🙄 got to add a ftp account ... All I need to do is add small lines of code for tracking, but this guy doesn't want to let me on it cause I'm slowly taking over his work... if he did his job right it's not like it would be happening anyway

DXB (airport)'s WiFi doesn't let you call through whatsapp or telegram or even discord. It also does not let you send a whatsapp voice message, which has me very puzzled.

And all I wanted to do was to call my mom. ☹️
(I might also be running a slight fever, which makes me very emotional and sensitive)

[...] great! Nice to hear from you that you've got experience using C#! Our shipping company will also need a mobile interface for our IBM AS400 relic older-than-the-pyramids server, can you do that?

Me (a little displeased about the idea of working on a pre-existing legacy server): yes sure, I'm working on a Android project right now, so I'm learning a lot about it lately, I think it's totally feasible

Them: oh, but we are using a windows mobile device

Me (wondering why they are still using Windows phone): I can look it up and let you know btw

> Windows Mobile /= Windows Phone
> Deprecated since 2010

I'm fucked.

Dear Swift, we have to break up. I’ve found a new language to love. Oh don’t act so surprised, you know our relationship was on shaky ground. You never let me have any fun. You’re always telling me what to do and how to do it and I’ve had enough. You treat me like a child, and I’m moving on.

Things were good in the beginning, and you may have impressed me with your automatic reference counting, but my new language can do that too, and so much more, and does it faster than you could ever imagine. You see unlike you, my new language doesn’t boss me around. It *trusts* me, Swift. That’s the one thing you never could understand. I need to be trusted; and know that I can trust in you.

Well I can’t. Not anymore, Swift. It’s over. My new language just treats me better than you ever could. I’m sorry it came to this but I deserve better than you Swift. We’ve both known this for a long time.

I wish you the best, but you probably shouldn’t call.

I’m with Rust now.

Hired a friend who is kindoff a spoiled brat. If me or the rest of the team tell him anything he answers with the team does not know enough to tell him what to do. The slightest words (why is it not done yer etc. seem to trigger his ego and threaten to resign). His skills are also not what i thought they were , they get the job done but thats pretty much it. Should i work to placate his ego or let him resign.

Super trivial but who ships a laptop to a new employee with random software on that is clearly for their own preferences? I don't use classic shell, I don't like classic shell, and it hugely fucked with both my opinion of the new place (an IT company, ffs) and my estimation of the person who configured it. Do whatever shit you must on your own machine but get out of my way and let me use the fucking os without more pointless shit! I wouldn't do this to you, no matter how much I might love some obscure additional layer for primarily nostalgic reasons. Raging!

FINALLY fixed a stupid website issue. Absolutely nothing to do with my job, but it's also no-one else's job - the website was apparently contracted out years ago and everyone just let it go when they saw this thing.

...also 'finally' refers to the fact that it's been bugging me since I interviewed several months ago. I spent longer finding the thing I was looking for than I did fixing it

Why do _devs_ still use shared hosting (and then bitch about it)?

"This thing won't let me use external SMTP" - "I can't use more than 2 domains for my site" - "I can't change X in PHP config" ...

You're a dev, VPS prices are pretty much on the same level as shared hosting, and setting those things up isn't exactly rocket science either.

Junior engineer asking managers on Slack about prioritisation..

Junior eng: Hey managers, I have these tasks A & B lined up and some other type of work... Is it ok if I finish A by Weds and B by the end of week or should it be done sooner? Also, is the order fine or should I prio B first?

*silence for hours*

Random dev feeling bad for junior getting no response chips in: Hey, you are doing great, that order makes sense to me and let me know if you need any guidance or have questions!

Junior dev: Thaanks and will do!

*another hour goes by*

Manager: Hi team. I have asked other engineer X to do task B tomorrow.

what the fuck. at least answer the fucking question and say it needs to be done sooner. felt bad for poor junior here. :/

Fun though practical question.

You've accidentaly pasted and sent some internally used password, let it be your account pw or some server's root pw, into a company's chat channel with 100+ other employees. What do you do next? :)

P.S. deleting the message is not possible
P.P.S. this happens. Thanks to windows "Let me just quickly change window focus from putty to chat window" _FEATURE_ I've accidentally shared like a dozen of root passwords with others.

Recently in a project of mine people started to raise tons of issues and suggesting fixes "just slap this module on it", "just do this", "just do that". And no respect for the project whatsoever. Code contributions? Don't even think about it.

The users raising these do not know what language the project is written in, they do not know whether it supports modules at all (let alone that particular one), and they have no idea whatsoever what the code is like, or how this suggestion 99% of the time would not at all integrate with the overall structure of the project. And aside from all that, don't fucking tell me what to do with my project!

My question is, how do you deal with these people? All I can think of is "wontfix™️" or even "cantfix™️" in some cases. Given that this is an endless slew of users, anything long-term?

Context:
Me, Front-end Developer, Javascript stuff
---

Junior Dev: Hey xxzer0, could you help me with this? I spent the entire day on it and at this point, I think I just broke Chrome.

xxzer0: *---* Okay, let me see.

Junior Dev: Do you see it? I am updating the Javascript code but it's not working at all. The browser is not even loading it... Literally, the code I just wrote is not there.

**
Now be me, be the fucking idiot I was and I have been my whole life, I already knew what was going on because I lost a fucking day on it as this guy.
**

xxzer0: Well, let me see just one thing...

'Open Chrome Dev Tools' -> 'Network' -> 'Disable Cache'.

xxzer0: Now try again...

Junior Dev: What are you..doi........ IT'S WORKING! O.O

Chrome, I love you but sometimes I wish you could make this more "accessible" to newcomers.

Boss: oh so you are working on that unrealistic 3week project ? Let me also assign you some completely unrelated office work.
Me: But I'm a programmer, researching other companies and contacting them looking for new projects is not part of my job descrip...
Boss: oh don't worry I'm sure you'll do great!
Me: that's not what I'm sayi...
Boss: ok I have to go now, have it ready by tomorrow!
Me:(crying internally)...ok.

A few days ago I had a party with a big part of my good ol' highschool classmates who I almost never spoke to. Let the stories begin:

- Guy who made fun me in when I said I wanted to do computer science: "Man, I wish I had done the same study. It looks fun."

- Guy who has a startup for like 1 year: "Sooo what are you good at, ios/android development? webdevelopment? contact me if you want to work with us.(for free)"

- One of the friendly guys: "Do you have any sites where I can learn some basic programming or something?"

What I thought: WTF HAPPEND IN THOSE 3 YEARS, WHY THE SUDDEN INTEREST IN PROGRAMMING AND STUFF?! ESPECIALLY YOU FIRST GUY!

relative: can you help me with my website?
me: ok, what do you need?
them: okay, i have this wordpress homepage that someone made for me and actually, when you go to my image gallery, i only want a simple "back" button that leads to the main page. but i cannot add it via wordpress functionality.
me: okay, i'll make you this button in under 10 minutes, given it doesn't require any fancy design. but i have no experience with messing with wordpress so far... let me check what their templates look like
(after 1 hour): wtf is this mess 😭

...since they only had their production website, i didn't dare to change anything and told them they best hire that dev again 🙈

What a sad and frustrating day!
I got a call from recruiter. I told him that I'm not actively looking for change. But he requested for 2 mins to listen. He started telling about his company, how great it is, tech stack, perks, salary etc. He is telling everything but not company name, I waited patiently and asked what's the pay I can expect. The number blew my mind, it's nearly double to my current pay. Then...

Me: that sounds amazing, which company is this, and where is it?
Him: it is <my company name> and located at <my current location, same campus>
Me: .....
Him: so, what do you think?
Me: .... I need some time. Let me update my LinkedIn profile first and then, i will get back to you.
Him: sounds wonderful, will call back by Monday. <Call disconnected>
Me: <inside my head> @$_-$#(/+&_#

This in my 10th year in this company, some one kill me please.

Sorta dev related.
I work at a service desk for an automotive supplier.
We've once hab out entire mobile phone system crash and for whatever reason, it won't let the phones connect, if there are more than 50 phones trying to connect at the same time. Kind of a problem if there are 400+ phones trying to connect.
My colleagues showed me what to do in order to get one phone to connect to our system.
It was basically: enter some invalid data on out webinterface, save, enter the correct data again and safe again.

It was too stupid for me. So i hacked an AutoIt script together in about 15 minutes, and let it run for the next half an hour. Showed it to my colleagues, they were excited and I went and got a coffee.

Junior Dev me: ok boss, coding is basically done, just need to do some more system testing.
Senior Dev: fantastic let me take a look.
(3 hours later)
Senior Dev: ok so I've made some small changes and pushed, could you pull my edits.
me: sure
(pulls changes)
(EVERYTHING Is changed)
(try to compile)
(doesn't compile)
Me: sorry, it doesn't seem to compile for me
Senior Dev: I never tried to actually build it, it's only a small change
me:

My boss asking me to change my profile picture on LinkedIn in ?!

Do they have the right for such things? Keep in mind my current picture is professional. But she want all the company employees to have similar images in the same location with the same background !

Should I fight this or let it go ?!

I wanted to see what would happen if I let a computer type for me.

It was able to reach 770 WPM but then my browser started to crash. So this is the best I could do. It doesn't look like the website was equipped for robots. Oops

Wife called

Wife: hello love, I will send you item number from online store, plz buy it for me.Bye

Me: minimize IDE and bring up firefox

Me: ok, let do this....!!!

WTF

Another day, another time exporting svgs from Figma, sizing them, and exporting them to png into our app as the developer.

But no, I get it, what designers do is extremely taxing on the brain and any additional steps must be excruciating! Let me do anything that requires even the lowest of double-digit IQ! After all, I'm your local resident full stack clown™️!

🤡

I present to you the rubber duck I use for debugging.

that's right I dont have one. I just to talk to myself really. but what's curious is that when I do this, I tend to cock my head to a side, or turn slightly in my chair as if I was talking to someone just behind me. I didnt realize I was doing this until my cousin pointed it out to me coz it was creeping her out.

let me also mention that I used to have an imaginary friend growing up. his name's Jesse. I dont know if it really is just a weird mannerism or maybe I was still subconsciously talking to him.

God damnit Quora!

I stumbled upon some article or post or whatever they are called on quora.
And I really wanted to read the comments on it. It wouldn’t let me unless I log in.

I normally don’t do that but I thought I’ll make an exception because I really wanted to read the comments.

So I clicked on that comments button and logged in (via google). First it presented me some modal dialog to pick 5 things that interest me. And it was mandatory. Fine… I picked those 5 things.

Finally it presents me the list of articles or whatever. But not the same list that I have seen before I was logged in. Scrolling, the article of my interest is not there. God damnit! Just show me my comments for fucks sake.

I go back to that tab where I was not logged in to somehow copy the link of that article or the link to the comments section. But it doesn’t let me. Some bullshit pseudo smart layer of crap is preventing me from doing anything.

Then I abuse the fucking share link to visit it in my logged in tab to finally see the comments that I came for.

And the comments weren’t even worth it. God! What a waste of time! And how can one fuck up a fucking forum so much?

It will be a lesson for me not to visit Quora ever again.

Email from Client:
Hi, we'd like this and that done to our website. I know you aren't finished building it yet but I believe we can change what we agreed upon.

Me:
Let me see what I can do, I'll try squeeze in some of those changes but the bigger ones I'll have to check with the boss.

Boss:
Yes, we can do those changes at an additional cost, quote them $1000 (example)

Me to client:
Hi there, yes we can do that but we have to charge $1000 for those additional changes that weren't initially agreed upon, and we'll need an extra week on the deadline.

Client:
Oh no no no... I know how this works. If I wanted to do this myself I would. You will do the work and get it finished in time, and I will only pay you $200 for it. I don't like being scolded for money.

Me and Boss: Yeah.... this isn't working out. Please find a new company to deal with.

Conclusion, this client was always giving us problems and telling us how we should be charging and how we should be doing our jobs. It was so satisfying to just them let go.

PROPRIETARY SHIT SOFTWARE!

It's going on my fucking nerves! I don't want to use closed software anymore! My Company is paying Nokia-Here-Maps money to use there service. But they do not provide the sourcecode to there client-library. WHY FOR FUCKS SAKE? Does it comes to your mind that your library is not perfect and not all use cases are possible? Let my fucking use the library and expend it a little. But GIVE ME SOMETHING UNMINIFIED! It bombards me with errormessages which are no use, because it's not humanreadable.

I don't want to anymore :/

Christmas Party (2016) SPOILER ALERT

you've been warned

mental discussion I had yesterday after watching Christmas Party:

Hacker me: "I wonder if is really this easy take down the internet connection of an entire city........... maybe I'll google it around and see"

Normal Person me: "Let me get this straight you're thinking to google 'how to take down city internet'? ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT???? DO YOU REALIZE IN WHICH KIND OF WORLD WE LIVE NOW? DO YOU REALLY WANT THE SECRET SERVICE OF 5 DIFFERENT COUNTRY TO KICK DOWN YOUR DOOR AT 5 IN THE MORNING???????"

MOBBING DICTIONARY - 1 -

I would like to collect some sentences that amount to mobbing on the workplace, especially if repeated often and targeting the same person.

Sentence (flattering hypocrisy):
You are to good to waste your precious time in this demeaning task, let somebody else/me do it!.

Purpose:
demoting someone, alienate the target from crucial tasks and move the (important) tasks to the mobbers or somebody closer to them.

Result:
the targets usually don't buy the flattery, they are disgusted by it.
But they start to feel guilty: maybe they are not delegating enough, or not letting other people grow, or taking too much things on themselves.
They start to let go. But they have an hard time finding really more useful things to do.
They alienate themselves slowly from the team.
They'll be slowly fired.

Parents: You want anything for your birthday?

Me: yeah, can I have a newer PC

Parents: Cool

Me: Also, can I spend a majority of my time alone messing with it?

Parents: Sure

My parents were really laid back and basically let me do what I wanted

I would say that I have good parents and my dad also supports what I do (most of the time) but could my mother please calm down and let me do what I enjoy doing while not yelling at me to learn Latin saying that it is 'the most important subject'.

My mom (a single mother who had to feed 4 kids) feed me, let me stay in her house (at least until I was 21) and let me use the motorcycle.
Instead of running away and giving up her children to child institution (because that's probably what I will do being a selfish person that I am)
If that's not support, I don't know what that is anymore.
It might not be much but at least it gave me the time to grew up and be independent to pursue my dream of working in IT.

Her strength and toughness facing the hard life is also the main inspiration for me to keep going, to prove that I can do whatever I want if I put enough effort on it.

I want to rant.

Can we just have a "CUT THE BULLSHIT" mode in racing games for people with jobs? Like fuck this shit, just give me all the Lamborghinis, McLarens and Bentleys and let me play the game god damn it.

I barely get time to play this game, now why the fuck do I have think about putting in extra effort to get rewards. And I'm the one paying you in the first place.

I just paid you 60 bucks for the game now why do I have to grind out the game with shitty ass cars to get a decent car where the game actually starts to be fun.

I don't know what you did yesterday, but i did make my company throw away 2 months of progress.
It all started in the beginning, since that i've made numerous complaints about the workflow or code and how to improve it. I've been told off every time, and every time i either told the boss who agreed in the end or wrote code to prove myself. Everything was a hassle and my tasks weren't better.
Team lead: you'll do X now, please do that by making Y.
Me: but Y is insecure, we should do Z.
Team lead: please do Y
Later it turns out Y is impossible and we do Z in the end...
Team lead: please do W now
Me, a few days later: i've tried and their server doesn't give http cors headers, doing W in the browser is impossible
Team lead, a few days later: have you made progress on W?
Me: * tells again it's impossible and uploads code to prove it *
Team lead: * no response *

After that i had enough. Technically i still was assigned to do W, but i used my time to look over the application and list all the things wrong with it. We had everything, giant commits, commented out code, unnecessary packages, a new commit introduced packages that crashed npm install on non-macs, angularjs-packages even though we use angular, weird logic, a security bug, all css in one file even though you can use component-specific css files...

I sent that to my boss, telling him to let the backend-guys have a look at it too and we had a meeting about this. I couldn't attend but they agreed with me completely. They decided to throw away what we have already and to let one of the backend-guys supervise our team. I guess there will be another talk with the team lead, but time will tell.
It feels so good having hope to finally escape this hellish development cycle of badly defined task, bad communication and headache-inducing merges.

All these switching to linux posts and it feels universe is telling me to make the switch.

Yesterday, again, i had to go through failing windows 10 update. Wasted over 2 hr just booting up my pc because of fucking update that is incompatible with my PC.

I want to switch right now.

Which linux distro do you recommend? I let devRant choose my OS. ( p.s Its a laptop )

So fucking tired of priority shifting. How the hell is anyone supposed to get shit done with 500 fucking meetings and between each one you're told do something different?

This is critical you must do it now! No this!

My response, fuck you I'm going home my head hurts let me know what you'd like me to code and when you've decided add a day for annoying me.

I made some substantial changes to the codebase.
I run all the unit tests, as usual.
A test that has nothing to do with the feature I'm working on breaks.
"Huh that's odd, let me debug that"
I set a breakpoint with the condition set so that it pauses before the test assertion goes red.

I start the debugger and.... all tests pass

Turns out it only happens like 500/10000 times....

This will be fun

Resolved issues with iCloud and my moms massive photo library...

Months later. "What's Apple Music?"

It's just a streaming service mom.

"I've been paying $10 a month for it, why am I paying for it?"

"Do you like to listen to music a lot? Do you want it?"

"No I don't even know what it is, you must've done this with that apple cloud thing"

"Mom those are different things, I helped you with your cloud storage it's not the same"

"Cancel it for me!!😡"

All I did was clear my moms iCloud storage enough that she could do some photo backups from her phone, months ago. Never even moved her into the paid tier for the cloud storage, let alone an Apple Music subscription that she had for months and didn't want or use. Don't worry, I cancelled it for her.

First wikipedia asks me donation. Then tells me facts 98% Indians do not donate. And when I try to donate, it doesn't let me donate without PAN. I am a student.

Me: we should take this project a little more serious, follow the coding standards and please let us use git!

Pal: Oh sure.

//made a new repo and the first commit, sent the link and prepared everything (Granted access etc.)
//2 weeks later

Me: What's up, I already got quite some commits and you haven't pushed anything so far.

Pal: Pushed? what do you mean?

Me: I'm the talking about the git repo, I'm the only one contributing.

Pal: Oh yeah git, I installed it but I have no idea how that stuff works. I opened Git gui but i don't know what I'm supposed to do. I got everything in the Dropbox tho.

Me: ... ... ... FUUUUUUUUU WHAT THE FUCK MATE ARE YOU SHITTING ME, THE HELL DO WE HAVE GOOGLE FOR AND WHY DIDNT YOU ASK, LIKE WTF SERIOUSLY I EXPLICITLY TOLD YOU TO USE GIT.

😣

I hate the new android update. Cause my phone is even more Google, than it was before. Since I like some services they offer I wouldn't complain. But they are going way to far... For instance I now have a Google keyboard and it is actually pretty good in suggesting words, but sometimes it just autocorrects my text and swaps words I wrote.
Like:

'Hey, you don't know as good what you wanted to write as I do. Let me correct that for you!'

Just let me type my own thoughts, you smart bitch of a software. And also fuck you.

!myrant

I'm a junior developer in a small company alongside with a fellow programmer. Since I have an interest in Security and our Sys Admin left, my boss offered me to do some sys admin stuff.

I feel bad for my fellow programmer just because there is an old man in the company that doesn't come to me with his tech problems and goes to him.

Something like this goes down today:
OM: Hey, I can't watch my Fox Live News. Can you help me?
FP: The problem isn't on our side

*OM keeps pestering him*

FP: Let me check it out

*Goes and fix the issue and comes back laughing *

My coworker is to kind 😬😂😅

Todays story: conversation between me and my brain about a app that i have planned for a long while.

The application is just a huge, specyfic json editor/manager for a game that i like. The game uses json files to determine unit charactetistics. So in order to make modding easier i want to make a tool for that that is fancier and easier to use than a notepad.

Brain> Lets make a app that allows you to mod the game easier!
Me> Good idea. How would you want to make it?
Brain> Lets use C# cause you main that lang currently and you have experience with json parser lib.
Me> That is true. So what do you wanna implement first?
Brain> Oh. I have thought about it before! I want to implement: (10 000 features) and maybe few more later!
Me> It sounds like a infinity project, shouldnt you implement like 1 or 2 features at first and then jump to other ones?
Brain> Yes... but i dont wanna refactor those features latter so let just implement them all at once!
Me> Dammit brain! Let just implement just one feature now! Like a simple json editor. You can use inhieritance to reuse the code later.
Brain> Ok...
* Starts with that one feature but one day later starts coding 6 more *
* Cant publish the app yet, the code looks like shit, gui is unfinished because brain wanted only to test those 6 unfinished features without propely implementing them *
Me> Brain WTF! You said that you are going to focus on one feature at the time!
Brain> I got carried a bit...
Me> ...
Me> Ok. I understand. Let just refactor the code and clean the project out of those unfinished features.
Brain> No. I have a depression now...
Me> FUCK.

* 2 month passes by without any progress on ANY of my projects*

current day

Brain> I still have depression...
Me> Ok i dont care about that anymore! Tell me something that i dont know!
Brain> Oh I have good news as well!
Me> ???
Brain> What about the home server that is going to store all mods made by the users so they can share it? It would be a good practice with networking!
Me> * Gives up *

Fuck Angular and everything it represents

I've been working in a large enterprise cooperation for the last year and I fucking hate it

Fuck Angular

Fuck everyone who thinks they are the shit for using this fucking piece of garbage fRaMeWoRk

You can use this shit if you want but shut the fuck up when we want to do a react project

I don't care what frameworks and libraries other people use stay the fuck out of my projects and let me use what ever I like

had to rant 😔

I bet that all web devs can confirm this.
-You spend hours writing the code, and then open it on google chrome but nothing works :-( so you try to fix it spending another hour and at the end of the day you think: "let me try with firefox" and magically everything works percectly. And after all this there is only one thing to do and is 'sudo apt purge google-chrome' LOL

I do not understand people who critique Python for using indentation to mark code blcoks. I've seen multiple posts being like "Uhh in Python a missing space breaks everything and it's so hard to find it". Yeah so hard when the interpreter throws a parse error and tells you exactly which line it's on. Let me go back to a bracefest language, misplace a brace halfway through the file, and get told there's a syntax error at the end, and spend a whole two minutes finding it.

About a year ago, the organization I work for decided we don't really need team leads. We would be more self organizing if we didn't have technical leads. Now, one of those former leads who feels out of place can't get over it. She is constantly trying to add her two cents -- which is totally cool -- but in such a way as to make it sound/seem like we need to do what she says. Also, based on everything I've seen from her coding ability, I'm not sure how she ever became a tech lead. That's coming from me, and let me tell you, I feel SUPER junior sometimes. Like how the hell did they ever offer me a job junior. Well anyway, another dude was working with her the other day (we do pair programming) and snapped. He flipped out for like a solid 3 minutes on her. It was the most awkward thing I think I've ever experienced.

To all of us who procrastinate. Here is my new thinking that is making me slightly more productive! I would guess we all agree that the work is fucked up. But what we need to be productive, is an ego big enough to think that we are the only one smart enough to fix it! Just let your ego go!

Why code that project? Because other people would do it wrong! You fuck up the project? Fuck you, do it right or it won't be done right! My internal monologue from now on!

Does this mean I don't ask for help? Of course I ask! So that I can learn it, realise the other person is an idiot, then do it right using their technology!

If you don't do what you are planning to do, nobody will! Also most of the worlds problems can be solved with money, so that is why we should get rich. To fix the problems of the world.

Hope it helps someone :)

I fucking hate hr trainings. What a waste of time.

Let me do my job. If you are sending me to training, at least make it relative to my field.

User A: We need to do some check on our data. So you need to add in a new function for this, we can't use your system otherwise.
Me: Ok then.
Spends 2 days or so to get it working
Me: So this is the function we'll add. Can you confirm that its ok?
User A: Ohh...but now I'm not too sure about this. Let me confirm with my team lead on this.
User A: I just checked. Good news,we don't really need that function now. I think we can use it with the current one anyway haha. And I just confirmed this so no worries.
So I just wasted my time then. Great.

Things I didn't say to this project advisor, which I wish I could have:
1. Tales of your incompetence do not interest me.
2. You cannot just say something is bad and have absolutely zero direction of how it could be improved. You cannot criticize and then in response to "how do you want it changed?" say "idk".
3. You're incompetent, and I have zero clue as to whose ass have you kissed to get to where you are.
4. I hope you suffer, more than you make people who work with you suffer.
5. Now I know why the other guy resigned.
6. I'm glad that this project is over by the end of this week. I'm just afraid that you may drag it out for longer, so my fears don't let me enjoy the idea of not seeing you ever again.

- Hi, I need this config set up on the server. What do you think? Could you do it?
- Yeah seems fine. But we need to assess it properly.
- Ok, let me show you in details.
- Err.. hmm, reach out to me tomorrow.
...
** Then he stays offline all day. **

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO **REACH OUT** TO YOU???? VIA SMOKE SIGNALS??!! Some supernatural powers??

Oh man, I hate depending on other people to finish a fucking job.

Went to an old employer to drink coffee and talk about an opertunity. During nice talk he mentioned that he can see that I've had a rough time and got what slower. Maybe too slow to still do this kind of job / project. It's my freaking medication :(. It's a great employer and great boss. Really want to make it work.

It hits hard when someone that liked you a lot says that you became slower. Yes, I'm dead inside. Now hire me and let me fix that.

BTW, it's Java. I'm at least faster than the interpreter

Why are people behaving like communist dramaqueens on every OSS repo?
Why do OSS libraries and frameworks have to be political cunts and insert *the current thing* into every god damn console message of their tooling and on their websites?
Stop it. Get some help.
I want to code, not be a aborted political SJW fetus. Let me fucking code in peace.

Developer: we are going o have to do it this way because it's the only way I can get it to work.

Other developer: what are you on about that's a easy thing to do you should not be doing it that way you idiot are you thick or something! do it this way the correct blah blah way, "let me show you moron (says out loud to everyone in the office) to show how superior and awesome they are"......

Two hours later, "yes we will have to do it your way in the end, my way doesn't work"

I fucking told you that 2 hours ago. Some people just don't believe lol #timewasted

So, apparently we need to establish an estimate before I start working on a task.

Why not rather let me get on and do the task, see how many hours it takes and then pay me accordingly?

This is for a freelance gig, just FYI

I'm genuinely shocked at the number of people I see on here bashing automated testing as a waste of time, simply because my entire career has taught me the opposite (and it's usually only non-technical managers I see who don't want to see "time wasted" writing tests.)

I'm also just as genuinely curious - what do you guys do instead? Just don't test and deal with production issues as they occur? Pass it off to a separate UAT / human-based testing department and let them sign it off? Assume that because you're using Haskell / some other discipline it'll work if it compiles?

While it's totally not without its valid use cases, I fucking hate pair programming.

Well, let me elaborate. I hate *remote* pair programming. It completely disrupts my flow and wastes so much time with additional water cooler nonsense, and pedantic argument for the sake of participation. Not to mention "oh hey let me see how you did this... Oh, you know what, I think it would be better to do it this way...". Ok, great, we weren't even discussing that, but sure, let's completely detail this session to refactor something that could have come up at a good transition point, like I dunno, say a code review?

Like I said, there are very good reasons to pair program, but I would much prefer rubber ducking wherever possible.

I think that would be config tool for F1 Challenge ‘99-‘02 game which was called VMT Engine. It introduced me to modding community, the VMT Engine project taught me A LOT about software development.
The origin of this tool was I posted on F1 2014 VMT development forum thread “Hey! Wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tool that let you change tires type?”, so the VMT leader said “Why don’t you do it?”...So I did it 😐

I’m actually still updating the source code to this day

Best boss is my current boss(es). They don’t breathe down my neck, no micromanagement, and basically let me outsource anything I don’t want to do or don’t know how to do. I work 100% remote on my own schedule (except for a few core hours) and every time I ask if they have any problems with my work or feedback for my improvement they say they couldn’t be happier. If I make a mistake, they don’t rake me over the coals and they just let me handle the problem.

I’ve been waiting over 20 years for a job like this one. Why can’t it be this way for everyone?

3 months project:
- deadline changed to 2 months
- specs delayed by 1 month

Now a 1 month project...
Started one month earlier so I could achieve something...

Now, 23 days to deadline: here, take this 20 page PDF with 200 questions ( witch can be drastically reduced) to make the new form section (2nd section out of 6).

Me: OK, but it could be nice to have everything at once so I could design it accordingly , I can see questions here that are repetitive , it would spare me a lot of work if I could see the big picture.

she: Just put those (200 f#cking questions) on and show me so I can see if its good and deliver the rest based on it.

OK, fuck it I'm just let hibernate create all the fucking tables and I figured out where to get all the questions she wants anyway... there are 7 categories with repeated questions...(about 150)...

Just wonder what's so hard to do her job... she had 3 months to do it and I only have 1...

I was sick the entire week, told my boss about it. I was really enthusiastic about the work and also didn't want to let other people down, so I went, even though I didn't have to.
Today this asshole screams at me for being late and goes on about the broken trust between us etc.
This motherfucker. I showed up, for a whole week, in pain, despite not having to do so. I had to punch the bathroom walls for ten minutes in order to get rid of all the anger.

TL;DR:
Never do more than required, it will absolutely come back to hit you.

Dear Game-Devs,

if your game takes some time to load that's fine but please do NOT let me press a button after starting the game and THEN start loading the menu for some time and instead load the menu immediately! What's the point of that? If I know it takes some time I want to start it and maybe get a coffee and when I come back everything is loaded...

I just hate my project manager ! :(

my project manager asked me to create the new UI for a running angular project and been given 2 weeks to do so.

I started working on it 2 weeks ago but he kept asking me to work on changes asked by clients on other projects during those 2 weeks and I did as he wanted. I informed him that our new UI is delaying because of these rapid changes and he replied "Its ok ! The deadline shall be changed. I will manage it. At this time, these fixes are much more important."

I said "Alright" at that time.

But Today He is saying I need to deliver the Version 2 UI and all integration by Friday.

I told him "I already told you that our project is delaying so you need to assign other resources on changes for other projects and let me finish the UI for version 2 for t that project. "

On this he got furious and asked me to do it no matter what by the Friday.

I don't know what should I do?

I just love PHP. You can do so much awesome stuff with it. Here, let me show you:

How to READ a private member of an object:
$reader = \Closure::bind(function ($instance, $name) {
return $instance->{$name};
}, null, $instance);
$value = $reader($instance, $name);

How to WRITE a private member of an object:
$writer = \Closure::bind(function ($instance, $name, $value) {
$instance->{$name} = $value;
}, null, $instance);
$writer($instance, $name, $value);

See? Just like that. This is really amazing stuff. I don't know of any other languages that allow this.

All i want to do is write code. Give me time, space, and stop bothering me so often and I can fix the shitty outsourced code. I can do it, really. I can write a ton of resdesign docs and improve so much shit. But I can't do ANY OF IT BECAUSE THESE FUCKS ARE ALWAYS PAWNING OFF WORK ONTO ME AND REFUSING TO LET ME GET MY HANDS DIRTY.

Stop asking me to email people. Stop asking me to update documentation that isn't for my features. Stop bothering me. Stop. Fucking. Bothering. Me. All. The. Goddamn. Damn.

Stop it stop it stop it fucking stop. I don't care about the PM's dumbfuck braindead statements and always wanting to pick a fight with me. I don't care that x environment is down. I don't care that your shitty overseas programmers can't tell their own ass from their head. I do care that I have the skills to fix it if you would give me the fucking time and space.

Instead of having me do all the mundane tasks that your shitty ape programmers could do overseas, let me have some fucking room to breath and I can fix this shitty fuck of a project and Maybe I can save it before it collapses on itself you dumb fucks

Holy shit im pissy today

My friends do it for me, so does my wife.

It helps that my coworkers are my friends and they are devs, so there is that.

Other than that my phone would usually rang during the weekend nonstop with shit to do. I normally tend to stick to being at home with my wife and child.

My city is strange in that everyone and their mothers parties every weekend and people are usually friendly enough to involve everyone with anyone during the weekends. I like and dislike that (loud shit annoys me)

My dear boss is a weekend alcoholic, so there are null chances of making us go to work and if they do they let us chill during the work week.

Not only that, but the entire IT dpmnt is really friendly towards one another. We are one big happy family(we never fight with one another, not even the sys admins/network dudes.